Original subtitles

Christmas Eve

When you spend every waking moment in a hospital

it's hard to get into the spirit

Are you aware that you're in everyone's way?

Everyone's way?

Or your way? Think about it.

Think about it? I'll think about it.

Still, there are some traditions I enjoy

Like Nurse Tisdale's 9. 15 cup of coffee

- Carla, what time is it? - I don't know

but I'm guessing it's about 9.15ish.

This thing!

- Who put this up? - I did.

I drove round the whole city before my 5am shift,

just looking for that.

Trying to add a little cheer.

You will not ruin my Christmas. Not again.

Not this year.

I've only worked here for three months.

Things could be worse. I could be with Elliot doing my day in the free clinic

I understand that you took a cab here.

But I can't give you Vicodin because your teeth are itchy.

Dr Kelso?

I don't want to sound insensitive, but why don't these people have any money?

I don't know, sir, they probably waste it all on food.

I need you to precept a patient.

19-year-old with abdominal pain. She's eight months pregnant.

I'll let the family practice people handle it.

Wonderful idea, except I heard your smart-aleck remark

so why don't you keep your little pregnant girl?

lt'll be good practice since you'll probably end up in a female specialty.

What do you mean by that? I'm internal medicine.

Well, of course you are. But numbers don't lie

and most women end up in OB-G YN, family practice or paediatrics.

It's like a riptide, sweetheart, pulling and pulling,

and you can swim against the current all you want.

When Mr Stork comes a-calling, you won't think, ''I'm internal medicine.''

It's gonna be, ''Oh! Look at the baby!''

Sir, I have to say, I'm offended.

Oh, no. Now I have to go buy flowers to make it right.

Newbie, stay. What a good boy you are.

Dear God, Judy, how much product do you use?

None. It's like this when I wake up.

Quick tip, there, sports star.

When you're defensive about your feminine side, it makes you more girly.

- You want something? - Nobody likes a cranky punching bag.

And yes, it's about a patient. Pretty good friend of mine.

I guess that means he respects me a little

Randy, Jackie, what do you say?

This is the monkey I got to videotape the birth.

I hate him

But not as much as I hate moments like these

There's nothing I can do for him, but when I go in, the family'll look at me

like I've got some magical power to fix him

Hey, everybody!

I'm sorry, it's been two weeks, and your son shows no neurological improvement.

It was a miracle! First of all, the man was near dead. Then he comes out.

- You're ridiculous. - I'm telling you it was a miracle.

- It was not a miracle. - Yes, it was. Dude...

I envy Turk. To be that sure of something, to have that faith.

That doesn't mean I don't love busting him about it

You think God was responsible for his recovery?

That's fine. We all have our beliefs.

I carry around this tiny little Monopoly piece for good luck.

Did you compare my Lord and Saviour to a tiny top hat?

He did, I heard him, baby. Go get him.

Excuse me, Nurse Teresa. Have you ever read the Bible?

I started it. Then I skipped to the end and it ruined it for me.

That's it. Both of you to the window. Let's go. Right now.

''When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy.''

Matthew, 2:10.

Dude, that's just a Christmas tree in the park.

I understand what you're saying.

Please. You can't just jump back on my good side.

You see all of this right here?

And this?

And this?

Consider yourself cut off. Full love embargo, baby.

- That's not gonna last. - It will last.

- Yeah? - It's gonna last.

What if I came up to you, all tired, and I just... I had to yawn...?

Damn!

- How pathetic is that? - Do it again.

Please.

This is from last night. The Christmas tree over at Miller Park.

God, I love that tree. It's so beautiful, isn't it?

- I've been there almost... - Listen, Meredith.

You're pregnant. Pretty far along, actually.

What? That's not possible.

What am I supposed to do?

''Look at the baby!''

Babies aren't really my thing,

so I'm just gonna go get you someone else to talk to.

It's great to see you guys again. Really, all three of you.

What is it with friends wanting to be in your life?

Selfish is what it is.

I got Randy and Jackie in the divorce.

My God, his ex-wife The tension actually hurts

You have to break it Say something. Anything!

Banana hammock!

Your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.

You should have seen him when he was a new intern.

''I. Don't. Want. To. Be. A. Doctor.''

You know, I think we all know that's just not true.

I'm assuming, since you already took everything else,

that you're here for my self-respect,

but there's bad news on that one, sweetcheeks.

I already gave it to your mom when she begged me to marry you.

I wouldn't have room for it, what with your testicles in my trophy case.

Holy cow.

Who's better? You got me by the short hairs.

See ya.

What do you hate most about the holidays?

- Wrapping presents. You? - My family.

I don't know how anyone can get in the spirit here.

Come on, guys. All the spirit you need is right here.

Can I get a amen?

Turk's always been good at rallying people

Congregation, I said, can I get a amen?

Amen!

'Tis the season of givin', y'all.

What better place to give than right here at Sacred Heart?

Lovest thou me, then feed my sheep!

Right here, at Sacred Heart, we are not only gonna feed his sheep...

...but we gonna clothe them.

- And we gonna bathe them. - Bathe them!

And we gonna cut 'em open.

Then we gonna stitch 'em right back together.

Because that is what Christmas....

...is all about.

That's right! Preach, preach!

What's the name of the song we're singing today?

Right, listen. I'm on call tonight.

But tomorrow morning, when I get home, we're going to Mass before work, OK?

OK, sweetie.

I don't wanna go to Mass in the stupid...

Candy!

I was trying to...

I know exactly what you're trying to do, but...

you're not gonna break my Christmas spirit. You can't.

Not ever. I'm the Holly Jolly Janitor.

Little girl. What do you want for Christmas...?

I know you must be busy. It's really nice of you to offer to do this.

It's no problem.

Childbirth has been so romanticised

I guess because if people knew the truth...

Congratulations! You're expecting

Your doctor will tell you everything you need to know

Hi, doctor

You'll fart, pee, puke and poop in front of ten complete strangers

who'll be staring intently at your vagina,

which, by the way, has an 80% chance of tearing.

You do it.

Still, no matter what the realities the end result is always the same

Look at the baby!

It's a bouncing baby boy.

Yet another soldier in the fight against Communism!

- Where's the girl that was in here? - I just make beds.

I got Meredith Fox's blood work. She's got HELLP syndrome.

She needs to deliver immediately so let's get...

What do you mean she just left?

Get me any contact numbers.

- Why did she leave? - Again. Bed-maker.

Newbie, I always punch the tabs out of my tapes

so there's no way they can be recorded over.

So please tell me you didn't use the tape that was already in the camera.

Banana hammock.

So, in other words, there is no permanent historical record

of the birth of my friend's baby?

Well, I think that the baby itself

would serve as proof that it was, you know...

...born.

You don't understand what you've done.

My ex-wife is gonna hold this over my head for so long

that I doubt I'll ever see the sun again.

And I liked the sun, Newbie. It made me hopeful.

Well, I was there.

I could certainly jot down some of my...

...feelings and impressions.

If he was really mad at me he would have stayed and yelled at me

Don't kid yourself I couldn't be any madder at you

No, do not do that again That's a bad Newbie

I can go home now. Maybe it's because Christmas is a hard time

or because too many families get together

but Christmas Eve, it's one of the worst nights of the year to be on call

I can't believe I'm wearing a suit at 6.30 in the morning.

If you ruin this for Turk, I'll hurt you.

Noted.

You better hurry up. Mass starts in 15 minutes.

- I'm not going. - Great. Can I go back to bed?

I'm kidding. I wanna get some of them church crackers.

No, I'm not going. Ever.

Baby, what happened?

Turk? Turk, come on...

Merry Christmas

You're overreacting.

A girl said, ''What am I gonna do?'' and I said, ''Babies aren't my thing.''

How could I be too hard on myself?

Just don't say ''Banana hammock''.

Look, I'm sure she'll turn up.

That's exactly what's gonna happen. She'll turn up, have a healthy baby

and nothing'll ever happen to either one of them.

I never really thought of faith as important

But without his, I don't know Turk kinda seems like he's fading away

I could use a little faith. I have to tell them I didn't tape a thing

You made some interesting choices with the camera, Orson.

- You didn't want any faces? - Excuse me?

I switched the tapes. Just go with it.

Here it comes, I see the head!

- What a gorgeous head of hair. - That's funny.

He was bald when he was in here a few minutes ago.

- Yeah, well... - We shaved the baby.

- You shaved the baby? - Shaved it.

Standard procedure. What with the recent outbreak of pre-natal lice.

Yep. Definitely.

Shave and haircut.

Two bits.

Really?

I'm not buying it.

You two are gonna go by the nursery and see baby Charlie?

- Absolutely. - Yes.

Charlie and his new haircut.

- Have we checked the other hospitals? - They haven't seen her, honey.

Dr Reid, isn't this your day off?

- It's that pregnant girl... - The one who went missing.

And now you're here, voluntarily,

hell bent on finding one of your little lost ducklings.

It's important you understand something. I'm not interested in babies.

I don't melt when I see them,

I don't have a yearning to make them my life's work.

I'm a doctor interested in my patients, male or female.

Right now, one of them needs help.

God! Do I know women.

I don't get it. Why are we on the roof?

I wanted to show you that no matter how ugly things can get down there,

there's still a lot of beauty up here.

Is that... gum or pigeon crap on my sneaker?

Come on, look around.

There's nobody here, no one can see us.

We could do whatever we wanted.

Like what?

How are you not getting this?

You mean have relations.

You wanna have relations right here on the roof.

The pebbles will make my ass look like a chocolate chocolate chip.

I can make you see God again, or at least call out his name.

Is this a joke to you?

No, I'm just trying to help you feel better.

- You don't know how I feel. - Well, then tell me.

I feel abandoned!

All my life, I've believed that God listens to our prayers,

and that he cares for us and that he watches over us.

Last night, so many people needed to be watched over.

How am I supposed to believe in someone that's gonna let innocent people suffer?

Answer me, please.

I can't.

Did you see baby Charlie yet?

Oh, yeah, I was just planning on doing that. Never.

You're such a special friend.

Gosh, Marjorie, aren't you sassy today?

Did Santa finally bring you that Y chromosome you always wanted?

- What's your problem, anyway? - For starters, I hate Christmas.

I don't like bambersnoodles, I loathe dinkerwallows,

I hate snagtumgopers,

I say, do you follow?

Do you think I'm a moron?

Don't answer that question. It's a trick, that's a trick.

Pre-natal lice?

You do realise that would be lice in the womb?

I've seen them, they're real and gross.

Maybe Dr Cox had pushed me too far Whatever it was, I told on him

Plus, he didn't even go see baby Charlie yet.

And then something amazing happened. They connected

And all the hatred they had for each other

was suddenly focused on me

Excuse me, Sally Sensitive, I don't remember asking you anything.

Your mom's aware she'll have to stop breast-feeding?

Good Jordan, good. Now work the body, under the ribs.

I'm not gonna see that baby either. Are you gonna tattle on me? Are you?

- I'm frightened. - Do you have a second?

- God, yes. - Run away.

I spoke to a 911 operator who got a call from a girl in labour,

but they lost the signal. I don't know what to do.

One of the worst things about this place

is how often you feel like there's no one to turn to

You'll be OK.

Babies are amazing

Especially the way they bring people together

So, baby Charlie is the bald one?

Yeah. He wouldn't be smiling so much if he knew how ugly his parents were.

- You're a sexy bitch. - Thanks.

I really think it's impossible to be unaffected

What up, little dawg?

A baby can stir something deep down inside you, you didn't know was there

Look at the baby!

They help you find something you thought you'd lost

How did you know she was here?

I don't know, I just knew.

I guess Turk was right after all

Miracles do happen

I think you just have to be willing to look for them

Merry Christmas, guys.

God bless us, every one.

Dude, you could not be a bigger dork.

You're so lame.

That was so cheesy.

Really? Cos I felt like it was... right.

Wait up!