Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:05,949
Oh... you're gonna regret that.
2
00:00:06,069 --> 00:00:07,236
Pigfoot was your favorite.
3
00:00:07,270 --> 00:00:08,537
He wasn't real, Burt.
4
00:00:08,571 --> 00:00:09,872
None of this stuff is real.
5
00:00:09,906 --> 00:00:12,007
Hey. We came
as fast as we could.
6
00:00:12,041 --> 00:00:15,010
Wait a minute, you're not
bleeding from your ear.
7
00:00:15,044 --> 00:00:16,912
Damn it. I was really excited
to either save your life
8
00:00:16,946 --> 00:00:18,380
or end it compassionately.
9
00:00:18,414 --> 00:00:20,782
I just said that
to get you over here.
10
00:00:20,817 --> 00:00:22,918
It's your mother--
I've never seen her like this.
11
00:00:25,345 --> 00:00:27,065
Oh, come on, Virginia, that's
your authentic
12
00:00:27,090 --> 00:00:28,290
Navajo dreamcatcher
13
00:00:28,324 --> 00:00:30,364
that we got at the Trail
of Tears Casino and Suites.
14
00:00:30,393 --> 00:00:32,861
I'm done with all this
make-believe stuff, Burt.
15
00:00:32,896 --> 00:00:34,296
How's a bunch of string
and feathers
16
00:00:34,297 --> 00:00:36,198
supposed to hold
thousands of dreams?
17
00:00:36,232 --> 00:00:38,734
And... who needs this telescope?
18
00:00:38,768 --> 00:00:40,402
There's no such thing as UFOs.
19
00:00:41,404 --> 00:00:42,938
Telescopes don't
just look at UFOs.
20
00:00:42,972 --> 00:00:44,932
They actually have a variety
of scientific uses...
21
00:00:44,941 --> 00:00:46,108
Oh, grow up.
22
00:00:46,142 --> 00:00:48,243
(crashing)
23
00:00:48,278 --> 00:00:49,411
What happened to you?
24
00:00:49,445 --> 00:00:50,646
BURT:
I'll tell you what happened.
25
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,281
That mermaidspecial on TV.
26
00:00:52,315 --> 00:00:54,950
I just saw a special
where actual scientists--
27
00:00:54,984 --> 00:00:56,985
Norwegian scientists--
28
00:00:57,020 --> 00:00:59,121
proved the existence
of mermaids.
29
00:00:59,155 --> 00:01:00,289
Do you know how many mermaids
30
00:01:00,323 --> 00:01:02,391
get caught in fishing nets
every year?
31
00:01:02,425 --> 00:01:03,926
None...
32
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:07,229
because mermaids, like actual
cans of dolphin-safe tuna...
33
00:01:07,263 --> 00:01:09,064
don't really exist.
34
00:01:09,098 --> 00:01:11,199
You're a mermaid
holocaust denier.
35
00:01:14,470 --> 00:01:16,939
Attention Howdy's shoppers.
36
00:01:16,973 --> 00:01:21,643
This store is selling mermaid
contaminated tuna fish.
37
00:01:21,678 --> 00:01:23,645
(screams)
38
00:01:24,981 --> 00:01:27,149
That show was a total
hoax, Virginia.
39
00:01:28,818 --> 00:01:29,918
But it was on that channel
40
00:01:29,953 --> 00:01:31,453
where you're supposed to
learn stuff.
41
00:01:31,487 --> 00:01:34,156
Plus, the narrator was British.
42
00:01:34,190 --> 00:01:36,825
Look at this. Ah!
43
00:01:36,859 --> 00:01:39,995
Jude Law and the network
apologized...
44
00:01:40,029 --> 00:01:41,630
saying, "We never
would've aired the film
45
00:01:41,631 --> 00:01:43,799
if we thought there were people
stupid enough to fall for it."
46
00:01:43,833 --> 00:01:45,467
Mm-mm.
47
00:01:45,501 --> 00:01:47,169
I've been burned too many times.
48
00:01:47,203 --> 00:01:49,271
I'm done believing
in anything magical:
49
00:01:49,305 --> 00:01:52,941
dreamcatchers, ghosts,
angels, Criss Angel.
50
00:01:52,976 --> 00:01:55,344
And definitely not Pigfoots.
51
00:01:56,746 --> 00:01:58,680
BURT:
Oh...
52
00:01:58,715 --> 00:02:00,449
Don't go throwin' ghosts
into all the nutty crap
53
00:02:00,483 --> 00:02:01,717
you used to believe in.
54
00:02:01,751 --> 00:02:02,818
Ghosts are real.
55
00:02:02,852 --> 00:02:05,620
I've got one
living in my closet.
56
00:02:05,655 --> 00:02:07,356
You people can believe
whatever you want.
57
00:02:07,390 --> 00:02:08,357
I'm done.
58
00:02:09,859 --> 00:02:12,160
Apparently she's also
stopped believing
59
00:02:12,195 --> 00:02:13,662
in cleaning up her own messes.
60
00:02:19,447 --> 00:02:24,926
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
61
00:02:25,274 --> 00:02:26,675
(sighs)
62
00:02:26,709 --> 00:02:27,876
What are you doing?
63
00:02:27,910 --> 00:02:30,012
Huh? Nothing.
64
00:02:30,046 --> 00:02:31,413
You're not trying to put
that stupid pigurine
65
00:02:31,447 --> 00:02:32,681
back together, are you?
66
00:02:32,715 --> 00:02:34,916
Well, I was hoping when
you cooled off,
67
00:02:34,951 --> 00:02:36,585
you might want it again.
68
00:02:36,619 --> 00:02:38,553
I tried to buy you one,
but it turns out they're not
69
00:02:38,588 --> 00:02:40,068
selling them anymore
'cause apparently
70
00:02:40,089 --> 00:02:42,057
they're made out of
(coughing) asbestos.
71
00:02:42,091 --> 00:02:44,192
I tried to fix it,
but it's impossible.
72
00:02:44,227 --> 00:02:46,895
Now I see why God never actually
made a pig Sasquatch--
73
00:02:46,929 --> 00:02:49,164
it's-it's very time-consuming.
74
00:02:49,198 --> 00:02:50,899
Don't bother trying to fix it.
75
00:02:50,933 --> 00:02:53,535
Pigurines are a ceramic lie.
76
00:02:53,569 --> 00:02:55,704
Pigs can't have careers.
77
00:02:55,738 --> 00:02:57,839
The truth is, they're just
bacon and footballs.
78
00:02:57,874 --> 00:02:59,041
End of story.
79
00:02:59,075 --> 00:03:01,343
I miss the woman who believed
pigs could be policeman
80
00:03:01,377 --> 00:03:03,578
or lawyers or pork-tologists.
81
00:03:03,613 --> 00:03:06,114
Well, she's gone.
(sighs)
82
00:03:06,149 --> 00:03:09,017
I used to think there was more
to life than being a maid...
83
00:03:09,052 --> 00:03:10,719
I was wrong.
84
00:03:10,753 --> 00:03:12,554
You scrub toilets
and then you die.
85
00:03:12,588 --> 00:03:14,790
Oh, come on, Virginia,
you're not just a maid anymore.
86
00:03:14,824 --> 00:03:16,691
(sighs)
You're a crew chief now.
87
00:03:16,726 --> 00:03:19,428
It's not just scrubbing toilets,
you do paperwork, too.
88
00:03:21,564 --> 00:03:24,266
My closet ghost
is getting feisty.
89
00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:25,534
He threw a lamp.
90
00:03:25,568 --> 00:03:27,069
(gasping): I can't,
I can't sleep in there.
91
00:03:27,103 --> 00:03:28,737
Maw Maw, there's no
such thing as ghosts.
92
00:03:28,771 --> 00:03:30,372
You probably just
knocked it over yourself.
93
00:03:30,406 --> 00:03:32,140
Did not.
94
00:03:32,175 --> 00:03:33,442
Dibs on the middle.
95
00:03:33,476 --> 00:03:34,910
Let's make a Maw Maw sandwich.
96
00:03:34,944 --> 00:03:36,912
No, Maw Maw. Just go
on back to your room.
97
00:03:36,946 --> 00:03:38,747
Will you take me?
I'm scared.
98
00:03:38,781 --> 00:03:40,982
Fine!
(groans)
99
00:03:41,017 --> 00:03:43,085
Sucker.
What? (sighs)
100
00:03:45,354 --> 00:03:46,922
If I start to scream...
101
00:03:46,956 --> 00:03:50,926
just slap me and tell
me the war's over.
102
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,894
This is ridiculous.
103
00:03:52,929 --> 00:03:55,831
I'm going to prove to you that
there's no such thing as ghosts.
104
00:03:55,865 --> 00:03:57,099
(snoring)
105
00:03:57,133 --> 00:03:59,601
Okay, so...
106
00:03:59,635 --> 00:04:02,170
the windows in there
are boarded up.
107
00:04:02,205 --> 00:04:05,474
This door is locked.
108
00:04:05,508 --> 00:04:08,176
And I'm putting powder down.
109
00:04:08,211 --> 00:04:11,413
So if anyone tries to go
in or out...
110
00:04:11,447 --> 00:04:12,948
there'll be footprints.
111
00:04:12,982 --> 00:04:16,685
So I challenge your ghost
to prove that it's here.
112
00:04:18,121 --> 00:04:20,755
But my guess is, that in the
morning when we wake up,
113
00:04:20,790 --> 00:04:23,225
everything's gonna be
exactly how I left it.
114
00:04:25,995 --> 00:04:28,096
(door closes)
115
00:04:28,131 --> 00:04:30,132
(birds chirping)
116
00:04:33,035 --> 00:04:34,302
There you go. See?
117
00:04:34,337 --> 00:04:36,338
Nothing's changed.
118
00:04:36,372 --> 00:04:37,873
Now you'll know how I felt
119
00:04:37,907 --> 00:04:40,308
when I was
dumb enough to believe.
120
00:04:40,343 --> 00:04:41,810
Who are you?
121
00:04:41,844 --> 00:04:44,613
Is this cocaine
on the floor up for grabs?
122
00:04:44,647 --> 00:04:47,682
Prepare to feel like
an idiot, Maw Maw.
123
00:04:51,001 --> 00:04:54,075
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
124
00:04:57,760 --> 00:04:59,127
Oh, my God.
125
00:04:59,162 --> 00:05:00,462
We have a ghost.
126
00:05:00,496 --> 00:05:01,796
(rattling)
127
00:05:01,831 --> 00:05:04,065
It's making Maw Maw's
nightstand vibrate.
128
00:05:05,334 --> 00:05:07,702
(switch clicks, rattling stops)
129
00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:20,193
I'm sorry I ever doubted
you, dreamcatcher.
130
00:05:20,308 --> 00:05:22,576
I hope you catch dreams
as well as you caught fire.
131
00:05:22,611 --> 00:05:23,711
Speaking of fire...
132
00:05:23,745 --> 00:05:25,579
let's burn this house
before we're slaughtered
133
00:05:25,614 --> 00:05:27,148
in the night
by this angry poltergeist.
134
00:05:27,182 --> 00:05:29,216
Burt, it's obviously
a nice ghost.
135
00:05:29,251 --> 00:05:30,718
He made a smiley face.
136
00:05:30,752 --> 00:05:33,154
I've seen all five
Paranormal Activity movies.
137
00:05:33,188 --> 00:05:35,389
I promise you,
this does not end well for us.
138
00:05:35,424 --> 00:05:37,104
Did you say you wanted me
to believe again?
139
00:05:37,125 --> 00:05:38,793
Well now... I believe.
140
00:05:38,827 --> 00:05:39,927
Well, there's a big difference
141
00:05:39,961 --> 00:05:41,996
between mermaids and
angry vengeful phantoms.
142
00:05:42,030 --> 00:05:45,299
I feel like I could
take a mermaid... on land.
143
00:05:45,333 --> 00:05:47,535
In a bathtub,
it'd be anybody's game.
144
00:05:51,139 --> 00:05:52,740
Maw Maw,
145
00:05:52,774 --> 00:05:54,341
were you in the laundry room?
146
00:05:54,376 --> 00:05:55,810
I don't go in there;
147
00:05:55,844 --> 00:05:57,578
that TV only gets
the clothes channel.
148
00:05:57,612 --> 00:06:00,181
Burt, did you do the laundry?
149
00:06:00,215 --> 00:06:02,950
Not since the great
acid-wash disaster of '91.
150
00:06:02,984 --> 00:06:04,819
We got jeans...
(grunts)
151
00:06:04,853 --> 00:06:06,120
and we got acid.
152
00:06:06,154 --> 00:06:08,489
How hard can it be?
153
00:06:08,523 --> 00:06:10,257
(rattling)
154
00:06:10,292 --> 00:06:11,759
(loud bang)
155
00:06:11,793 --> 00:06:13,160
(rattling)
156
00:06:18,633 --> 00:06:19,800
Well, he's thorough.
157
00:06:19,835 --> 00:06:22,603
He even cleaned out
the pube catcher.
158
00:06:22,637 --> 00:06:24,038
You're winning me over, ghost!
159
00:06:24,072 --> 00:06:26,207
Whoever you are!
160
00:06:26,241 --> 00:06:27,775
We brought a bag of ice!
161
00:06:27,809 --> 00:06:29,310
Where's the thumb?!
Where's Burt's thumb?
162
00:06:29,344 --> 00:06:31,145
Good job getting here so fast.
163
00:06:31,179 --> 00:06:33,681
So... dad didn't
cut off his thumb
164
00:06:33,715 --> 00:06:35,316
testing out his new
mouse guillotine?
165
00:06:35,350 --> 00:06:37,284
No. We just wanted you
to get here as fast as possible
166
00:06:37,319 --> 00:06:38,652
before we made contact.
167
00:06:39,688 --> 00:06:40,988
What do you mean, "contact"?
168
00:06:41,022 --> 00:06:42,323
We have a ghost.
169
00:06:42,994 --> 00:06:44,634
We have a laundry-folding,
chair-stacking,
170
00:06:44,659 --> 00:06:46,060
lipstick-writing,
possibly friendly,
171
00:06:46,094 --> 00:06:47,862
possibly
Mr. Belvedere phantasm.
172
00:06:47,896 --> 00:06:50,798
And we hired a professional
to help us communicate with it.
173
00:06:50,832 --> 00:06:52,393
Well, this should be
as interesting as a
174
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,168
still twitching thumb
in a bucket of ice.
175
00:06:54,202 --> 00:06:55,336
Hey, Chances.
176
00:06:55,370 --> 00:06:56,504
You guys order a medium?
177
00:06:56,538 --> 00:06:57,671
Not a medium pizza.
178
00:06:57,706 --> 00:06:59,707
A medium to help us
talk to our ghost.
179
00:07:00,909 --> 00:07:02,042
Your card says you do that.
180
00:07:02,077 --> 00:07:03,644
That's an old business card.
181
00:07:03,678 --> 00:07:05,579
I also no longer do
videotape rentals
182
00:07:05,614 --> 00:07:07,348
or teach the Macarena.
183
00:07:07,382 --> 00:07:10,985
But I have branched out into
writing people's names
184
00:07:11,019 --> 00:07:12,353
on grains of rice.
185
00:07:12,387 --> 00:07:13,954
Here's my new business card.
186
00:07:15,557 --> 00:07:18,225
But I don't open the portal
into the spirit world anymore.
187
00:07:18,260 --> 00:07:19,994
It's too dangerous.
188
00:07:20,028 --> 00:07:21,695
Why? Possessions?
189
00:07:21,730 --> 00:07:22,897
Poltergeists? Demons?
190
00:07:22,931 --> 00:07:25,566
No, worse.
My dead grandma.
191
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:29,069
She was annoying
when she was alive...
192
00:07:29,104 --> 00:07:31,839
she's downright unbearable
as a spectral being.
193
00:07:31,873 --> 00:07:33,507
Please, Tyler,
we don't need much.
194
00:07:33,542 --> 00:07:35,109
We just want to know who
he is and what he wants.
195
00:07:35,143 --> 00:07:37,044
And I have so many
questions about Heaven.
196
00:07:37,078 --> 00:07:38,879
Like, how do they keep birds
from sneaking in there?
197
00:07:38,914 --> 00:07:40,714
If you guys are willing
to compensate me
198
00:07:40,749 --> 00:07:44,485
for three pizzas and
two cheesy breads... I'm in.
199
00:07:45,220 --> 00:07:47,555
So, that's gonna be...
200
00:07:47,589 --> 00:07:48,689
four bucks each.
201
00:07:48,723 --> 00:07:50,724
Did you drag us here
just to pay for pizza?
202
00:07:50,759 --> 00:07:53,260
No. We invited you here
to join us on our journey
203
00:07:53,295 --> 00:07:54,929
to the other side.
204
00:07:54,963 --> 00:07:57,244
By the way, tickets to the
other side are four bucks each.
205
00:07:58,099 --> 00:07:59,934
But it comes with
complimentary cheesy bread.
206
00:07:59,968 --> 00:08:02,236
(groans) I'm not sure
it was such a great idea
207
00:08:02,270 --> 00:08:05,205
to eat all this greasy pizza
before we hold hands.
208
00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:06,407
I don't know,
just wipe it on your shirt.
209
00:08:06,441 --> 00:08:07,875
That's what I do.
210
00:08:07,909 --> 00:08:09,743
Yep. Everyone can see that.
211
00:08:09,778 --> 00:08:12,112
And everyone can also see
where you caressed by boob.
212
00:08:13,081 --> 00:08:16,083
Shh, shh.
The portal's opening.
213
00:08:16,117 --> 00:08:18,886
I'm feeling the presence
of a spirit.
214
00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:22,323
Go ahead, ask him
whatever you want.
215
00:08:22,357 --> 00:08:25,426
Uh... I have a question
for the big guy.
216
00:08:25,460 --> 00:08:28,295
Hammerhead sharks,
duckbill platypuses--
217
00:08:28,330 --> 00:08:30,864
were you just throwing leftover
parts together at that point?
218
00:08:32,467 --> 00:08:34,101
Let me try.
219
00:08:34,135 --> 00:08:37,605
Hello... Mr. Spirit.
220
00:08:37,639 --> 00:08:40,107
Hello.
221
00:08:40,141 --> 00:08:41,809
I'm Virginia Chance.
222
00:08:41,843 --> 00:08:43,611
I live here.
223
00:08:43,645 --> 00:08:47,147
You already know that
from folding my underwear.
224
00:08:47,182 --> 00:08:50,451
Which, uh, thank you for that,
by the way.
225
00:08:50,485 --> 00:08:52,453
Are you always that friendly?
226
00:08:52,487 --> 00:08:55,322
I sense he is benevolent...
227
00:08:55,357 --> 00:08:57,591
and means you no harm.
228
00:08:57,626 --> 00:08:59,193
Who is he?
Where does he come from?
229
00:08:59,227 --> 00:09:01,862
(Virginia gasps)
(bones cracking)
230
00:09:01,896 --> 00:09:04,698
(falsetto):
Tyler...
231
00:09:04,733 --> 00:09:07,468
how many times I gotta tell you?
232
00:09:07,502 --> 00:09:09,136
Get a haircut.
233
00:09:09,170 --> 00:09:10,638
(whispering):
God, I think it's his grandma.
234
00:09:10,672 --> 00:09:13,340
Who you calling grandma,
Grandma?
235
00:09:13,375 --> 00:09:16,210
I remember from those
six Martin Lawrence movies,
236
00:09:16,244 --> 00:09:19,647
this is exactly what an old
black grandma sounds like.
237
00:09:19,681 --> 00:09:24,818
Tyler, I told you, quit hanging
around these crazy honkeys.
238
00:09:24,853 --> 00:09:27,788
(bones cracking, grunts)
239
00:09:27,822 --> 00:09:29,490
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
240
00:09:29,524 --> 00:09:31,492
Did she say anything bad?
241
00:09:31,526 --> 00:09:32,826
She's a bit of a racist.
242
00:09:32,861 --> 00:09:34,561
So, you definitely
felt our ghost?
243
00:09:34,596 --> 00:09:36,830
He was a good spirit, right?
244
00:09:36,865 --> 00:09:38,165
I mean, I'm sure you get this
all the time but
245
00:09:38,199 --> 00:09:40,534
when I go to Heaven will I be
anatomically correct?
246
00:09:40,568 --> 00:09:41,902
'Cause the angel I put on
the Christmas tree's
247
00:09:41,936 --> 00:09:43,504
got nothing going on
under his robe.
248
00:09:43,538 --> 00:09:47,141
No, it's not the Holy Ghost,
it's just a ghost.
249
00:09:47,175 --> 00:09:48,308
Oh...
Sorry, Burt.
250
00:09:48,343 --> 00:09:50,744
Now I gotta go home and
clear the history on my browser.
251
00:09:50,779 --> 00:09:52,746
Grandma will not be happy
if she finds out
252
00:09:52,781 --> 00:09:55,949
- I was looking at white women
on the computer. - Mm.
253
00:09:59,554 --> 00:10:01,522
(crickets chirping)
254
00:10:05,393 --> 00:10:07,928
(yawns)
255
00:10:09,597 --> 00:10:11,699
(sniffs)
256
00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:32,490
Oh, hey, Burt.
257
00:10:32,610 --> 00:10:33,888
You're out of fabric softener.
258
00:10:34,222 --> 00:10:35,823
Ow!
259
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:43,341
What the hell, Burt?
260
00:10:43,461 --> 00:10:44,619
You didn't have to hit me.
261
00:10:44,787 --> 00:10:45,987
Of course I had to hit you.
262
00:10:46,022 --> 00:10:47,455
You're a creepy stranger
in my house at night.
263
00:10:47,490 --> 00:10:49,557
You meet all the qualifications
of someone I should hit.
264
00:10:49,592 --> 00:10:50,926
What do you mean?
I'm not a stranger.
265
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,440
I'm the guy
who watches your sex tape.
266
00:10:52,461 --> 00:10:54,930
(yells) Hey! No-No-No.
I mean, I mean,
267
00:10:54,964 --> 00:10:57,432
my wife and I,
we found your sex tape.
268
00:10:57,466 --> 00:10:59,067
Don't you remember?
269
00:10:59,101 --> 00:11:01,937
You hid it in an old clown doll
which we ended up finding.
270
00:11:01,971 --> 00:11:05,073
My wife and I watched that tape
over and over again.
271
00:11:05,107 --> 00:11:07,275
Not for the sex, but because
seeing how you two related
272
00:11:07,310 --> 00:11:10,612
to each other really
helped out our marriage.
273
00:11:10,646 --> 00:11:12,347
Oh, yeah, I remember.
274
00:11:12,381 --> 00:11:13,682
So what the hell
are you doing in my house?
275
00:11:13,716 --> 00:11:15,250
Well, my wife and I
had an argument
276
00:11:15,284 --> 00:11:16,618
and I went a little
overboard and left.
277
00:11:16,652 --> 00:11:18,119
So I came to ask for your advice
278
00:11:18,154 --> 00:11:19,921
and... uh...
the door was unlocked.
279
00:11:19,956 --> 00:11:22,023
You weren't home,
I had to go to the bathroom.
280
00:11:22,058 --> 00:11:24,025
So I opened the wrong door,
found a closet,
281
00:11:24,060 --> 00:11:26,027
saw a hatch in the floor,
discovered a bomb shelter.
282
00:11:26,062 --> 00:11:27,395
It's pretty self-explanatory.
283
00:11:28,998 --> 00:11:30,131
We got a bomb shelter?
284
00:11:30,166 --> 00:11:33,601
(grunts, groans)
285
00:11:33,636 --> 00:11:35,804
No wonder we never
knew this existed.
286
00:11:35,838 --> 00:11:37,372
This is really small.
287
00:11:37,406 --> 00:11:38,673
I don't think Paw Paw
was planning
288
00:11:38,708 --> 00:11:40,108
to save the whole family.
(laughs)
289
00:11:40,142 --> 00:11:41,343
VIRGINIA (over vent):
Burt!
290
00:11:41,377 --> 00:11:43,511
Yeah, been down here
a couple weeks now.
291
00:11:43,546 --> 00:11:45,447
I can overhear everything
through this vent.
292
00:11:45,481 --> 00:11:47,983
VIRGINIA: Could you bring me a
glass of water, honey? Hmm, see?
293
00:11:48,017 --> 00:11:50,352
You guys are always
so sweet to each other.
294
00:11:50,386 --> 00:11:51,453
(scoffs) My wife and I,
295
00:11:51,487 --> 00:11:53,054
we don't communicate like that.
296
00:11:53,089 --> 00:11:54,456
That's why I stayed.
297
00:11:54,490 --> 00:11:56,691
I'm learning valuable stuff
from you guys.
298
00:11:56,726 --> 00:11:59,127
Like how to wash
my wife's underwear?
299
00:11:59,161 --> 00:12:00,495
Well, I felt like
I owed you guys,
300
00:12:00,529 --> 00:12:02,797
so I started doing stuff
around the house.
301
00:12:02,832 --> 00:12:05,367
Look, I will say the way you
starched my Foghat T-shirt
302
00:12:05,401 --> 00:12:07,202
is... otherworldly.
303
00:12:07,236 --> 00:12:08,803
But you can't just be
spying on us,
304
00:12:08,838 --> 00:12:10,305
and pretending to be a ghost.
305
00:12:10,339 --> 00:12:13,408
That wasn't my plan at first.
306
00:12:13,442 --> 00:12:16,911
Then I overheard
Virginia talking about
307
00:12:16,946 --> 00:12:19,047
losing her sense of wonder
and I wanted to help.
308
00:12:19,081 --> 00:12:20,348
That's why I stacked
the furniture.
309
00:12:20,383 --> 00:12:23,518
This is terrible.
310
00:12:23,552 --> 00:12:24,886
Virginia loves having a ghost.
311
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:26,154
If she finds out
all this is just you,
312
00:12:26,188 --> 00:12:27,689
she's going to be devastated.
313
00:12:27,723 --> 00:12:30,692
I'm sorry, Burt.
Once again, I go overboard,
314
00:12:30,726 --> 00:12:33,194
I create more problems
than I solve.
315
00:12:33,229 --> 00:12:34,329
Christy is right.
316
00:12:34,363 --> 00:12:36,398
Every time I find myself
317
00:12:36,432 --> 00:12:38,867
in a good situation,
I make it bad.
318
00:12:40,970 --> 00:12:42,337
That's it.
319
00:12:42,371 --> 00:12:44,072
What if we scare her?
320
00:12:45,197 --> 00:12:46,917
The only reason Virginia
likes you is 'cause
321
00:12:46,942 --> 00:12:48,043
she thinks you're
a friendly ghost.
322
00:12:48,077 --> 00:12:50,211
But what if
you were a bad ghost?
323
00:12:50,246 --> 00:12:51,546
Then she'd be happy you left,
324
00:12:51,580 --> 00:12:53,281
and she'd still
believe in magical stuff.
325
00:12:53,315 --> 00:12:54,949
Sure, I guess it's worth a try.
326
00:12:54,984 --> 00:12:56,918
Hey, you know what?
I could scare her in the shower.
327
00:12:56,952 --> 00:12:58,386
That's what they
always do in horror movies.
328
00:12:58,421 --> 00:12:59,954
I...
329
00:12:59,989 --> 00:13:02,390
think anything in the bathroom
crosses a line.
330
00:13:02,425 --> 00:13:04,192
Hey, Burt...
331
00:13:04,226 --> 00:13:06,895
I've watched your
sex tape thousands of times;
332
00:13:06,929 --> 00:13:08,430
nothin' I ain't seen before.
333
00:13:09,832 --> 00:13:11,533
(woman screaming on TV)
334
00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:12,834
(man growls)
335
00:13:14,670 --> 00:13:16,738
That's like in that movie,
Poltergeist.
336
00:13:16,772 --> 00:13:18,807
(clanging)
337
00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:20,608
Creepy...
338
00:13:23,612 --> 00:13:25,747
(woman laughing shrilly)
339
00:13:25,781 --> 00:13:27,582
(music box plays gentle melody)
340
00:13:27,616 --> 00:13:29,951
(whispering): Burt, Burt,
do you hear that?
341
00:13:29,985 --> 00:13:31,419
Where do you think
it's coming from?
342
00:13:31,454 --> 00:13:32,921
(shrill laughter continues)
343
00:13:32,955 --> 00:13:34,255
It's probably just the wind.
344
00:13:35,624 --> 00:13:37,625
(shrill laughter continues)
345
00:13:39,295 --> 00:13:41,696
(gentle melody plays)
(shrill laughter)
346
00:13:43,966 --> 00:13:45,934
Or it's the restless souls
347
00:13:45,968 --> 00:13:48,570
of the Native American children
buried beneath the house.
348
00:13:48,604 --> 00:13:49,771
(gasps)
349
00:13:49,805 --> 00:13:51,773
(laughing, burps)
350
00:13:51,807 --> 00:13:55,310
Oh, there's nothing scarier
than the burp of a dead child.
351
00:14:04,286 --> 00:14:06,287
(screaming)
352
00:14:09,458 --> 00:14:10,758
(laughing)
353
00:14:10,793 --> 00:14:13,128
(screaming)
354
00:14:13,162 --> 00:14:15,263
Oh, God.
Move it. Oh.
355
00:14:15,297 --> 00:14:17,699
(Maw Maw continues indistinctly)
356
00:14:20,302 --> 00:14:22,537
(musicox plays gentle melody)
357
00:14:25,307 --> 00:14:26,674
I'm scared. Aren't you scared?
358
00:14:26,709 --> 00:14:28,143
This is scary.
359
00:14:28,177 --> 00:14:29,911
I know. I don't care what
360
00:14:29,945 --> 00:14:31,446
Tyler thinks
about his grandma...
361
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,281
we're having an exorcism.
362
00:14:33,315 --> 00:14:34,682
(screaming)
363
00:14:45,060 --> 00:14:47,495
Oh, demented spirits
of the laundry,
364
00:14:47,530 --> 00:14:50,165
please forgive us for
unstacking your furniture.
365
00:14:50,199 --> 00:14:53,668
We needed a place to sit and
the armoire seemed precarious.
366
00:14:53,702 --> 00:14:55,103
(sporadic banging)
367
00:14:58,908 --> 00:15:00,208
He hears you.
368
00:15:00,242 --> 00:15:01,342
(gasps) It's working.
369
00:15:01,377 --> 00:15:02,677
Do you smell that?
(sniffs)
370
00:15:02,711 --> 00:15:04,045
(sniffs, snorts)
371
00:15:04,079 --> 00:15:05,046
The spirit is close.
372
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,147
(sniffs, groans)
373
00:15:06,182 --> 00:15:07,682
The spirit could use a shower.
374
00:15:07,716 --> 00:15:09,918
(groans, blows)
375
00:15:09,952 --> 00:15:12,387
(trembling): Man... I can't
believe this is working.
376
00:15:12,421 --> 00:15:13,688
I'm gonna be honest with you,
377
00:15:13,722 --> 00:15:15,657
I'm a little freaked out.
(gasps)
378
00:15:15,691 --> 00:15:17,559
(whispering): It's never
gone this well before.
379
00:15:17,593 --> 00:15:18,893
Tell him to leave.
Tell him to leave!
380
00:15:18,928 --> 00:15:20,128
Uh... leave!
381
00:15:21,397 --> 00:15:22,997
Ow! Damn it.
382
00:15:23,032 --> 00:15:24,032
(birds cawing)
383
00:15:24,066 --> 00:15:26,634
"Ow"? What kind
of a ghost says, "Ow"?
384
00:15:27,703 --> 00:15:30,004
Hey didn't say, "Ow."
He said, uh...
385
00:15:30,039 --> 00:15:33,908
"Out. I want to get out."
386
00:15:33,943 --> 00:15:37,078
Burt, are you okay?
(groaning)
387
00:15:37,112 --> 00:15:39,347
He-He's not Burt anymore.
388
00:15:39,381 --> 00:15:40,415
I think the ghost has
taken possession of him.
389
00:15:40,449 --> 00:15:41,616
(gasps)
Yeah-Yeah-Yeah.
390
00:15:41,650 --> 00:15:43,251
That's exactly what's happened.
391
00:15:43,285 --> 00:15:44,452
I am the ghost...
392
00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:47,422
and I am very, very real.
393
00:15:47,456 --> 00:15:50,458
(groaning)
(screaming)
394
00:15:51,727 --> 00:15:54,095
Way to go, Burt, put on a show.
395
00:15:54,129 --> 00:15:55,663
(groaning, gurgling)
396
00:15:57,266 --> 00:15:59,801
Do something! Do something!
(yells)
397
00:15:59,835 --> 00:16:02,103
Do you want your name
on a piece of rice?
398
00:16:02,137 --> 00:16:03,271
Get out...!
399
00:16:03,305 --> 00:16:05,073
Well, I'm out of ideas.
Better go.
400
00:16:05,107 --> 00:16:06,441
No! Don't go!
401
00:16:06,475 --> 00:16:09,210
Damn it, ghost,
give me back my husband!
402
00:16:09,245 --> 00:16:10,578
Okay...!
403
00:16:10,613 --> 00:16:13,014
(clangs)
404
00:16:14,483 --> 00:16:16,784
(sighs)
405
00:16:19,488 --> 00:16:20,955
Is that it?
Did the ghost leave?
406
00:16:20,990 --> 00:16:23,191
I think so.
(gasps)
407
00:16:29,465 --> 00:16:31,866
(sighs)
408
00:16:36,272 --> 00:16:39,173
I think I can hear
the spirit rushing out.
409
00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:46,447
Oh, yeah, now
I can hear it, too.
410
00:16:46,482 --> 00:16:49,117
Quick question: Where's
the water main shut off valve?
411
00:16:49,151 --> 00:16:51,786
Oh, my God!
412
00:16:51,820 --> 00:16:54,789
What is Jim the sex tape guy
doing in our house?!
413
00:16:55,991 --> 00:16:57,725
(eerie moaning)
414
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:06,901
I shut the water off.
415
00:17:06,935 --> 00:17:08,426
Problem solved.
416
00:17:08,546 --> 00:17:10,187
What a crazy adventure, huh?
417
00:17:10,496 --> 00:17:12,464
So... who wants
to watch RoboCop?
418
00:17:12,498 --> 00:17:16,101
I can't believe you lied
to me about pervy Jim!
419
00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:18,603
I'm sorry. It's just when
you broke your one-of-a-kind
420
00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:20,438
Sasquatch pigurine
it broke my heart.
421
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:22,474
And I hated that you
stopped believing in stuff.
422
00:17:22,508 --> 00:17:24,309
And I don't want Hope
to grow up in a world where
423
00:17:24,343 --> 00:17:27,145
she's told it's wrong to still
believe in UFOs and fairies
424
00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:28,613
and Siamese twins.
425
00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:30,515
JIM:
This is beautiful,
426
00:17:30,549 --> 00:17:32,350
the fact that you have a husband
who cares enough about you
427
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,519
to go out of his way
to make you believe in things.
428
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,354
That's the real magic.
429
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,490
Exactly.
I'm the real magic.
430
00:17:38,524 --> 00:17:42,460
I guess it was kind of sweet
of you in your own messed up,
431
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,829
twisted, misguided, warped...
432
00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:46,498
Yes, yes, I love you, too.
433
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,401
Oh!
434
00:17:49,435 --> 00:17:52,037
(groans) This is what Christy
and I need in our relationship.
435
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:54,239
(groans) You know, a real, true,
understanding of one another
436
00:17:54,273 --> 00:17:56,741
and a willingness...
to forgive.
437
00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:58,543
Hey, you know what? Hey...
438
00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:01,813
would you maybe be willing
to go to talk to her for me?
439
00:18:01,847 --> 00:18:03,348
I... don't know.
440
00:18:03,382 --> 00:18:05,350
But she respects your
relationship so much.
441
00:18:05,384 --> 00:18:07,252
We really wouldn't
know what to say.
442
00:18:07,286 --> 00:18:08,353
Yeah, you're right,
I should go.
443
00:18:08,387 --> 00:18:10,088
There's a load of delicates
in the wash
444
00:18:10,122 --> 00:18:11,723
and there's a...
cake in the oven
445
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:14,225
that should be taken out
in about 20 minutes.
446
00:18:16,128 --> 00:18:17,395
It's in the shape of a heart.
447
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:18,496
I'll get my coat.
448
00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:19,564
I'll get my keys.
449
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:24,202
So, you're just a strange man
450
00:18:24,236 --> 00:18:25,737
sneaking around
my bedroom at night?
451
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:28,940
Well, I guess I'm going to bed.
(laughs)
452
00:18:28,975 --> 00:18:31,242
By myself. No risk of pregnancy.
453
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:34,879
I'll never remember.
454
00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:36,448
You'll never forget.
455
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:44,389
(dog barking in distance)
456
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:52,530
Hey, uh...
I'm just gonna wait in the car.
457
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:54,065
You know, if she sees me
she'll probably freak out.
458
00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:57,302
So, will you just tell her
I really love her...
459
00:18:57,336 --> 00:18:59,871
and I'm really, really sorry
for going overboard.
460
00:18:59,905 --> 00:19:01,106
Got it.
461
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,608
(sighs)
462
00:19:03,642 --> 00:19:06,745
You know, for someone who
handled all our underwear,
463
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:07,912
secretly lived in our house
464
00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:09,781
and obsessively watched
our sex tape,
465
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,483
he's actually a sweet guy.
466
00:19:11,517 --> 00:19:12,951
But we're on the same page?
467
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:14,719
If he comes to our house again
we're calling the cops.
468
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:15,987
Oh, definitely.
(laughs)
469
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:17,822
(knocking)
470
00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:18,990
Oh, my God.
471
00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:20,125
Burt and Virginia,
472
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,459
what are you guys doing here?
473
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:23,228
Well, we spoke to Jim
474
00:19:23,262 --> 00:19:24,462
and there's something
we want to tell you.
475
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,631
(stutters) Is this some
kind of a sick joke?
476
00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:29,734
I know you guys haven't
been together for a while.
477
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:32,303
Yeah, because he died
two months ago.
478
00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:34,472
What?
479
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:37,308
We were on a
booze cruise to Cabo
480
00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:40,078
and he was drinking
Rum Runners by the gallon,
481
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:41,880
and he fell overboard.
482
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,617
(whispering):
Overboard.
483
00:19:45,651 --> 00:19:47,652
Overboard.
Overboard. Overboard.
484
00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:49,487
Overboard.
For going overboard.
485
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:52,490
Overboard. Overboard.
Overboard. Overboard.
486
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,159
Overboard. Overboard.
487
00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,596
So... what message
could you possibly have?
488
00:19:58,631 --> 00:19:59,898
Well...
489
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:04,436
We ran into him
at the drugstore...
490
00:20:04,470 --> 00:20:06,604
the day before the cruise.
491
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:09,307
While he was buying
seasickness medication.
492
00:20:09,341 --> 00:20:10,942
Right, Burt?
Yep.
493
00:20:10,976 --> 00:20:13,144
And... he said how...
494
00:20:13,179 --> 00:20:14,479
Excited he was
495
00:20:14,513 --> 00:20:15,847
about the cruise
496
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:19,417
and...
How much he loved you.
497
00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:21,719
Really?
498
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:30,028
Well, thank you.
That really means a lot.
499
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:32,030
Okay, so, now that
we know you're good,
500
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,224
we should probably get going.
501
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:34,899
Do you want to come in?
No.
502
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:36,534
No. No. You're a widow,
503
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:39,471
so you should probably
be alone right now.
504
00:20:39,505 --> 00:20:41,106
Okay.
505
00:20:42,374 --> 00:20:44,042
That was weird.
506
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:45,543
Virginia, look.
507
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:48,113
(bird caws)
508
00:20:59,024 --> 00:21:02,393
Okay, so, maybe he just jumped
off the boat so he could
509
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,362
fake his own death
and collect insurance money.
510
00:21:04,396 --> 00:21:05,430
But then why would he
live in our basement
511
00:21:05,464 --> 00:21:06,731
and fold our laundry,
512
00:21:06,765 --> 00:21:07,999
when he could be livin' it up
513
00:21:08,033 --> 00:21:09,567
on some beach in Wisconsin?
514
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:11,736
It makes perfect sense,
you guys, he's a ghost.
515
00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:13,238
You can't really prove that.
516
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:14,372
I don't need proof.
517
00:21:14,406 --> 00:21:16,574
It's called belief,
not fact, for a reason.
518
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,209
And I choose to believe.
519
00:21:18,244 --> 00:21:21,679
I am so happy to have my
open-minded, UFO believing,
520
00:21:21,714 --> 00:21:23,615
mermaid rights activist back.
521
00:21:23,649 --> 00:21:24,883
Now who wants cake?
522
00:21:24,917 --> 00:21:26,718
That may or may not
have been made by a ghost.
523
00:21:26,815 --> 00:21:33,603
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
524
00:21:33,731 --> 00:21:36,845
Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player
525
00:21:36,895 --> 00:21:41,445
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
37938
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
