Original subtitles

Same sex marriages will hurt American birth rate and the economy...

I'll be right with you so sorry.

The government recently compared homosexuality...

- How is this? - It's great the color is good.

... Revolves around maternity leave. What about paternity leave?

At this time American companies have no legal obligation...

To give men any time off after the children are born.

However third world companies have recently doubled the time

Workers can take off for maternity and paternity leave.

new moms getting 16 weeks and new dads getting eight weeks.

Brett, excuse me but...

did new dads started lactating and I did not get the memo?

I have no idea .

So what's with the 8 weeks ?

The women are the ones who do all the work in the pregnancy

Why would men need 8 weeks off?

Oh my God, shut this bitch up!

... We started lactating too - Is that so?

Your jump shots improved.

Oh Linda!

One day you will die.

And we will take you and we will have your corpse ...

Burned at eighteen hundred degrees for approximately twenty minutes.

And then we will gather your remains and we will put them in a pretty vase.

Morbid.

Hey! Connie. - Greg?

The fucking babysitter just canceled!

My date is gonna be here in like 1hour and 45 minutes.

Would you please come over?

No, Connie today is our anniversary and Ken's in the shower right now.

Oh shit, goddamit!

Greg, please! I would not ask, but I'm just...

I'm in a jam here.

No! Connie we have reservations, we....

Wait.

Hi! - Hi! Hey!

I'm sorry. My house smells like the chicken market.

Oh dear

Alright how do I look? And nobody says fat.

- Good. - Astonishing.

- So who will you going out tonight? - My neighbor.

What's he like?

He's really nice and we're not that worried we're not interested in each other.

It's just a friendly neighbors kind of date. He is old.

Sexy but old.

- How old? - Seventy...?

- Connie! 70 years?! - I know!

He could be in the sixty and it would be nasty! All I know is he's got to be active because ...

He was in the FBI like 40 years ago.

The Federal Bureau of Narcotics?

You sure he's not just some age down druggie?

Oh honey! What is that? It came out?

You know what you need to do?

Put under your pillow so the Tooth fairy comes at night. Okay?

- Bye, Matt! - I'll leave you some money for that.

Matt still believes in the Tooth Fairy?

Tooth Fairy, Santa claus, all of them.

Thank you.

- One dollar? - Ciao. Don't worry about a thing.

You know it's ridiculous.

What?

My sister dating a septagenarian?

No, she fillling Matt's head with that stuff.

Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy?

Not to mention the fact that she's ripping the kid off.

I mean, why force him to believe in that stuff...

If then she's gonna make the Tooth Fairy out to be a cheap bastard?

Listen, I agree with you, that's why I gave him $ 5 dolars as opposed to one dolar.

- But.... - Nice work.

What should be for Mother Goose? Mother Goose is never perceived to be real.

- Whatever. - That's why they appear at night.

It's why adults had such a hard time separating themselves from myths and religion.

You know, they never learn to tell the differences between truth and fiction.

I believe in myths. - I know you do.

What you're saying is that if we have kids some day

You wouldn't want them to believe in Santa claus or Easter Bunny?

I don't know, I mean.

Look, maybe my reasoning will change with time.

Besides we said we wouldn't even talk about adoption for ten years.

I know and we've been together for four.

So check back with me in five and a half.

- I'm sorry about tonight. - No, don't be.

Matt is great and we're together. That's all that matters.

- I got you something. - You did?

- I did. - A present?

For me?

Greg...?

Scales of Justice cufflinks?

- Do you like it? - My Gosh, yes I love them!

All my clients are gonna be so jealous they gonna want to steal these.

Good.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- I got you something too. - Really?

It's In the bag there.

- You sneaked into my bag? - Maybe.

You're so sneaky, yeah it's one of my favorites things about you.

- Super Spy. - What is it?

A Rose Anne biography

Remember when we've been through the entire series?

We did not leave the bedroom for a week.

Dan!

Oh my God, four years... - I know... Makes you think.

FOUR YEARS BEFORE

It's hot out there.

- Yeah? - Yep.

You're up for a run?

What?

You said you thought you gained some weight, maybe we should go for a run.

I love how you waited for me to disrobe to say that but...

Come on, I'm getting chubby too, let's go for a run.

What's wrong with chubby? Now I'm chubby?

Here, look at this here, look at this.

This is going to check the mail, that's all that this is from.

It's 102 degrees outside and this is human.

Greg, come on we're just walked there, I mean

Look at us, all we ever do is watch movies and order in.

Baby it's so hot!

Let's turn back around and go get some lunch?

No momma.

Yes.

It was just from checking the mail.

No.

He got so fat.

Yeah.

No, I'm eating.

I love you.

I love you more, okay.

Okay, bye.

Okay.

Dan!

- Dan! - What?

What is the second part to this song?

"It's alarming how charming I feel."'

Okay.

It's alarming how charming I feel.

There's nothing to watch. - That's not true, you just passed by like...

five things that I would watch or I have watched and I love.

Like what?

Soapdish

- Never heard of it, who's in it? - Sally field!

The woman with the cookies?

Cookies ?!

The cookies with the red and white wrappers in the airport newstands.

- Airport newstands? - Yeah.

Like "Everything that you were saying is wrong" Gidget?

She won an Oscar! "You like me you really like me!"

She was the mom in Mrs Doubtfire.

I don't "werk" with the males, 'cause I used to be one.

What?

You're a masochistic.

Explain.

How do you even find the time...

For this little lovely and deceivable sexy kitten?

Why would you even want to after the picture you painted of him?

Is this the way you talk to your patients?

- No. -That is really good.

Thank you, but...

I'll tell you what's good for you.

A healthy dose of breaking it off.

Would you bring another glass?

The heart wants what it wants you know?

Sometimes you meet someone and you fall in love, and that's all that is to it.

Yeah, but you're not in love...

You're tortured. And not even in the good way.

But I'm sure the sex is great, right?

But a healthy and equal relationship this is not.

You are clearly doing all the heavy lifting.

Gregory...

What you need from a man is an intellectual equal.

Not some junior sales associate...

Who knows all the defining characteristics of the washes of denim.

But if you're now interested in servicers level right now

I should be pursuing dermatology.

Hey, I resemble that remark.

Now it is serious.

You avoid the psychiatry rotation like the plague.

There's obviously no room for crazy and you know it.

And you wanna place in radiation and oncology

Because you have this Mother Teresa complex.

You love curing people but you can't cure this kid

of his narcissism, Greg. It's incurable.

-He might as well be mentally retarded. - You know, Ernie?

You might have avoided your psychiatry rotation too

If your very first patient on the rotation

Her problem was "I am the queen of Africa...

And I have the papers to prove it.

Followed by her shouting:

"You can't have my pussy!"

So I have this friend I'd like you to meet...

- Ernie... - What?

I appreciate your concern

But I'm very much with Alex for the moment.

You're very much tolerating Alex for the moment.

And besides all I said was,

I have a friend I'd like you to meet

Not that I have a friend that I necessarily want you to go out and fuck.

Just have a coffee and see what happens.

- Who is he? - His name is Ken.

He is a criminal defense attorney, he's very good looking and...

I just texted you his number like two minutes ago.

You were saying something...?

I shouldn't...

Look, I already talked you up to him you would only disappoint by backing up now.

I wouldn't be backing out I haven't made any plans with him so...

- There's not backing out. - Greg, listen.

I know you. You're not happy.

And besides I'd rather see you single than...

With someone who requires a trip to the diamond district

Just so you can translate his terms of endearment.

Okay, okay so talking isn't our strong point

You think?

You gonna be a MD!

This kid can't even pronounce the word anxiety.

Oh God...

Orchide no really, is orchide. - Guys, give me a break, okay?

- You guys just don't know him. - So really, what is it?

What is it? Wait...

What is the thing? Yeah he's pretty.

What is it?

Well he got a 8-pound dick.

Jesus, were you shop for a porn star?

- Why was the door locked? - I don't know, habit?

... having such a good time. I think that we should-

- Hey, Tad. - Hey.

What was he doing here?

Well, watching the Drags Race marathon.

Oh, yeah with the deadbolt locked.

Oh my God would you drop it? I said it was a mistake.

Okay.

Why did't you tell me he was coming over?

I figured it wouldn't matter.

Not matters? It matters, a lot Alex, I mean I...

Fuck... It's one thing to come home

Expecting to see your boyfriend and is another thing completely

Come home and see some guy that I barely know sitting on my couch

With his feet up on my furniture, eating my food.

Okay?

I own, all of the things in this apartment, and that includes the leftovers.

Okay.

Well, you know what?

If that's how you gonna play maybe I should just go home tonight.

Yeah, maybe you should.

- I wasn't being serious. - Maybe I was.

It's like really late and I'll probably wake my parents

- If I went home right now. - So why did you suggested?

Is this your way of scolding me like I'm your child?

I'm not scolding you but-

Fuck I hope this is a wake up call.

No, of course obviously I don't wanna to send you home at this hour but...

This is my place, okay?

And you can't just have people coming in without me knowing

And you can not lock me out in the middle of the night!

I did't lock you out! - You locked the deadbolt with someone else here!

You know what? I don't wanna stay here tonight.

You always get like this after hanging out with your friends.

Like what? How do I get?

You talk to me like you were better than me.

Alex, I don't think that I am better...

... Than you. - No?

I just think that we're different.

I think that we are too different.

- This isn't working. - Fucking, I knew it!

Alex- - What?

Come here let's talk about this, okay?

No come here. - Just sit down stop acting like a child.

Don't tell me I'm acting like a child, I'm not acting like a child!

No, you are behaving like a totaly mature adult.

I'll come tomorrow to pick up my shit.

You know, if that's convenient for you.

So Ernie told me you're a medical student.

Yes, I'm bad Ernie only told you that because I am...

Actually dropped out.

- You dropped out? - Yeah. I haven't told him that yet.

I...

I know that's kind of a loser thing to tell on the first date.

This is our first date?

I hoped this was our first date yes.

And I hoped that it's okay that I'm okay.

Hey you! My name is Greg, nice to meet you.

I made a big decision this week.

And I'm probably out of med school. I'm college drop out.

Sorry I'm a loser.

I hope I'm handsome enough.

You know, I think if you're feeling pulled in a different direction

Then you should listen to that.

What?

Just what I said, stick with your gut.

You know, instincts are underrated nowadays but....

You gotta listen to them.

Do you want to...

Break the news to my mom for me?

No, that is all to you.

Hey, what you're thinking about?

Nothing.

Everything you know.

How we got together and Sally field.

And how much I love fast food and hate white wine.

Lots, lots of things.

No, no, no, you know why.

I don't know why.

- No! No, we can't! - Yes, I'll be quiet.

- No! Don't - He's sleeping.

Don't start something you can not finish.

I always end... - And you can not finish this...

Because he's up there.

Just relax, relax.

I'll just kiss all of it, okay? - Like the French did.

What with a cigarette in your mouth?

- Baby, let me...? - No

- Let you what? - Come on I just want...

What? What do you want?

I want to...

Put myself inside you...?

Where did this come from? Born again Top?

I don't know, I'm feeling... adventurous, you know?

- Like a finger or two or...? - No I, like with my penis.

Wow! Okay, okay, alright.

- What? Okay? - Yeah okay.

You are gonna need to get some lubricantion.

Because the last thing that went up there was a colonoscopy.

When I was eight and before that a baby thermometer so...

I'm gonna need some lubrication.

- Happy anniversary. - Okay.

I'm sure Connie has some lube stashed here somewhere.

Oh, my god, okay.

Okay, I couldn't find any lube but I got some petroleum jelly.

- Did you get condom? - What?

- A condom. - For what?

We're celebrating four years of monogamous bliss

I don't think we need a condom.

I think it gets messy. I don't want stuff get on you

Okay, but let's just this time...

Okay, but we have to...We have to do it somewhere else and ...

We have to get some towels, - Why? why

Because I don't want the couch to get- - Okay what about the floor?

Okay, alright.

I'll put this down here

To be nice and comfy. Okay.

Get this off. Get this off.

- Easy, easy, easy. - Okay.

You feel so good...

Was a good six minutes?

Six minutes? It was more like two.

Well...

When you got a dick in your ass time stand still.

Don't I know?

What is your fortune?

No adventures away beyond the horizon.

You gonna climb many mountains and be on top.

Again? Round two?

- Are you ready? - I'm in, okay.

I don't know about what the conversation was...

I just kept going in and out. I didn't know what he was talking anyway.

I was so distracted by...

the pendulum swings of his neck skin.

It kind of ... get to a point I just gave up.

So... no second date?

I'm guessing.

Thursdays and Mondays.

Oh, yeah of course we do.

Her name was Linda, she was a drunk pet.

She went to school but just couldn't rack up.

Majored in ornithology. Yes, that bird watching.

But she failed every test cause she ate them.

That is her thing to do, because she's a cat.

But then he went to Hollywood and married James cameron

How is it going there baby?

Swimmingly. What about you?

Honestly? I am ready for a break.

Yeah me too.

- Oh, yeah? - Hum, Hum

- One of these breaks? - Yeah, I think it's a good break.

I like these breaks.

No, don't get it. No, don't!

It might be the client, It might be the client, It might be the client.

I'm sorry.

Hello! This is Greg.

Shouldn't you have said are you sitting down first? Jesus!

No, no I'm in bed, I'm in bed sorry.

What happened?

- Oh! My God! - What?

Yeah, we'll...

We'll be there soon, like ten minutes, okay?

Yeah, love you.

That was Richard.

- Ernie had a stroke. - Oh my God!

- Hey baby. - Hey.

You okay?

Yeah, I just ... thinking about Ernie.

- Have you talked to him lately? - No, I feel like such an asshole.

Baby, don't... I mean.

After the time when you called over that his parents have turned you away. - True.

Max asleep already?

Yes, he's in bed thank you so much for being cool about this.

It's fine.

- You're all sweaty. - Yeah, I know, it's burning hot in here.

- Are you that hot? - No, I'm fine.

I can turn on the air a little bit to cool.

Thank you.

I didn't want to touch it because I know how cold that you can get.

Bed time for us too.

No, I have to finish this.

- Come to bed... - No.

- Yes. - No.

- Yes. - I can't, I can't.

I have to finish my work.

- Pay the bills. - Fine.

Okay, I will.

- Oh, my God! What the fuck! - I'm sorry.

- What the... - I'm sorry.

Get off of me!

Hey! I....

Why didn't you tell me that you were weren't well?

Sorry I just didn't think it was serious

It was so disgusting.

- I know. - Seriously I can't-

- Hello? - Hey. How you feeling?

Much better, better.

Well, did you have anything to eat today?

Yes, everything. I had everything to eat.

Okay, great.

So I guess we're officially out of groceries now.

Well, there might be some eggs with luck.

Or cans of tuna.

Okay, order in the drive through.

Can we get like Chinese food on top of the pizza?

- Hey this one looks good. - What?

Oh don't mind it's subtitled.

And guessing you're not in the mood to read a movie...

I've just take cheese off of the remote control

Now I'm not on the mood to read my movie?

Yeah I saw that.

How about a documentary?

I don't know... it's kind of boring to watch something that we've seen a million times before.

Like Lulas.

Baby, we've just watched that like three days ago.

Fine, watch what you wanna watch.

I'm not gonna be able to pay much attention my brain is fried.

- Hello Helene. - Hello Helene.

Oh, my God!

Seriously, if you roll around any harder I gonna be sick.

I'm sorry but I'm tossing and turning because I'm trying to keep from puking.

Again?

You know what? Tomorrow ...

You should really go see a doctor. - For indigestion?

This isn't indigestion, I ate the same things you ate and I'm not sick.

I don't have health insurance.

So what? Go Greg.

A general partition is gonna cost next to nothing.

Go and see Dr. Elliot she's great.

Plus she owes me a favor.

I've got her husband office last year, didn't I?

Just go to bed quietly.

Don't move.

- Hello Greg, I'm Dr. Elliot. - Hi Dr. Elliot, nice to meet you.

So what's been happening?

I've been dizzy, I get nauseous have recurring headaches...

Well, something is wrongs. Let's take a look, shall we?

You're fine, Greg.

Your tests came back fine.

Your blood test is fine, HIV is negative, You probably just got a flu bug.

Just gonna have to switch it out.

This is not the flu.

Of course it's the flu, throwing up is what happens when you have the flu.

Not only throwing up happens when you have the flu.

But a lot of other stuff also happens like

Sore throat, and aching muscles, and coughing.

And I don't have any of those, plus when was the last time both of

your feet went numb when you had the flu?

I'm sure Dr. Elliot knows what she's talking about.

What?

What?

- Am I fat? Am I hideous? - What? No!

I saw that you looked at me, I know that that's what you were thinking.

Baby, I wasn't even looking at you.

- You weren't? - No, I was ...

Looking at myself in the mirror, with my back turned to you much like it is now.

I just thought I saw you looking at me out of the corner of his eyes

Honey, I think you're sorrow.

You're starting to sound like every other husband on the face of the earth.

How is that?

You are so agreeable! "Yes, dear", "No dear"

You don't likethat about me? That I'm agreeable?

No I love that you're agreeable.

But I just wanna make sure that you're being sincere, okay?

Don't take this the wrong way, dear but ...

You're beginning to sound like any other wife in the face of the planet.

I thought you were the wife.

According to your chart, everything is normal.

No, everything is not normal.

I got heartburn, cramps, almost constant nausea, swelling.

My feet are swelling inside my shoes right now, so.

- Any acne? - Yes, thank you for noticing.

He's also having a lot of mood swings.

- You're hungry all the time? - Yes. Okay.

Greg I'd like to recommend you seeing an specialist.

- An specialist? - What kind of specialist?

Well, you're not suffering from any illness.

So whatever it is, it's unusual. And what you said that means

Swelling, blossoming...

- It's if you were... - Becoming doctor Hulk?

It's if you were expecting a baby.

- Excuse me, what? - I know it sounds ridiculous.

But Greg what you are describing...

Is what I'd expect to hear from a woman who was four months pregnant.

And outside of that, you couldn't be in better shape.

So I don't think there's anything that I can do for you.

But I do want you to consult with this friend of mine.

I'd also like to put you on a strict diet.

Starting immediately.

What...? I was going...

It's still good.

Have you made the appointment with that especialist yet?

No, I...

Isn't it obvious that she just thinks that-

That's diet okay?

- Greg I'm serious. - Just think that I have

A weight problem, okay? - I am serious.

I'll go on the diet. I'll go on the diet

And then we'll see what happens. - Yes Yes.

You'll go on the diet and you're also making an appointment with the especialist , okay?

I'd throw myself out the window if anything ever happen to you.

You can't be that serious.

Doctor's Office

One possible reason for Dr. Elliot send me here?

I don't know.

There it is.

What it is?

Is that a ... tumor? - No, it's not a tumor.

This is closer to his abdominal cavity here.

Thank you.

- You two are sexually active? - Yes

Do you use protection?

No, not anymore, we've been together for a very long time.

Alright I need to make a phone call.

Would you two mind waiting in my office?

I wonder what he saw? Like, have you seen the look on his eyes?

- Dr. Elliot? Hi guys. - Oh my god is this serious?

You are pregnant.

What?

Okay, alright.

- Alright. - Greg?

You guys!!

Greg?

I'm gonna say this as plainly as I possibly can.

You have a human fetus growing withing your abdominal cavity.

Just as it would grow within a woman's uterus.

Your baby has fingernails.

Okay, guys, like that was, that was funny but...

You're welcomed to seek a second opinion or third in this case

We... We would encourage that.

Is this... I mean, could medication have caused this?

It has taken sleeping pills? Maybe we're elegible for legal recourse.

You should really look into this.

I've never seen a pill create a womb.

In fact I've never seen anything remotely like this. Neither does he.

Greg, at this point you are a medical miracle.

49 million years of evolution and I am the first man in the history of the world

To ever get pregnant! Why?! Why me ?! - Greg, please just try and relax.

Oh yes! Just try and relax with a baby inside of you!

Are you in Valium? Is that an option?

You know, technically you're the second. Don't forget about Thomas baby?

Except you know Greg was actually born a man so...

How could this happen? I could never do anything right...

That's your mother talking. - Is it?

Stop torturing yourself, you can't help it, is not your fault.

Of course it's my fault! I was the idiot that let him top!

- So now it's my fault? - Yes! Yes it's your fault!

You were the person that just had to have and you were so insistent...

That we have sex right there on Connie's living room floor!

Wait, what ?! You had sex in my house?

Oh yeah. Right there, next to the couch. - Greg stop please!

What the fuck! When? - When you were walking the neighbor!

Were in the neighbor...?

Oh my God! You guys had sex while you were babysitting?!

Where was Max?

We were very quite quiet, he was upstairs...

I don't have any health insurance! How anyone has a baby without health insurance?

Greg, we sign up. Come on I've been you to sign up.

What happens if it's deformed?

- Someone will find that charming. - That's not charming.

It could be a gold medal gymnastics. It could be a...

Or could bag groceries or could be addicted to black tar heroin...?

So... So what? Look, anything can happen, anything can happen?

Yes, I have a girl friend who is a personal incontinence consultant .

She takes orders for adult diapers over the phone.

Thank god for baby boomers.

What? I'm just agreeing with you.

Anything can happen.

My friend, she's married, she has a kid... in a therapy.

She's happy!

There are so many great little boy names...

Hank Fisher, Matt, everybody loves a Matt.

I can't be responsible for the way some kid's life turns out okay?

I can't.

That's what you're thinking? - Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

What...

What about our apartment? Like we don't have enough room?

- For what? - For a kid!

We barely have enough room for Linda and she is a cat so...

Okay, you're right.

Changes are gonna happen when we have a baby but...

I mean, who cares? We'll redecorate.

Don't you want this? Can't you feel it?

Yeah, I can feel it. Yeah, absolutely I can feel it...

I can feel it moving around, and kicking and sharpening its little fingernails

And sending emails and playing cards because it's living inside of me.

It's living inside of ME!

Baby, it is because you are a medical miracle!

I don't wanna be a medical miracle!

I DON'T WANT TO BE A MEDICAL MIRACLE!

I didn't even want to be a doctor!

That night, remember?

When you told me that you're gonna drop out of medical school...?

What did I say to you?

Said that if I was being pulled in a different direction

I should go with it. I should follow my instincts.

And what is this?

Sure, maybe it is more of a thrust than a pull

But baby, this is a different direction!

And my guts is telling me that this is what supposed to happen!

You bottom one night out of hundreds!

Okay, thousands and bam, you were pregnant!

- Don't you think that's amazing? - Yeah, lucky me...

I don't think there is anyone answer

It is multilayer ...

A man in Los Angeles, was the first pioneer

of this revolutionary social transformation

What is this?

An overweight gay man, apparently gave birth to a healthy baby girl

In a West Hollywood toilet last night.

What...?

I think the question on everyone's mind is: What caused this?

could be a random genetic strain that mutates among the male species?

perhaps there is some common food on the market

Some product which would further this on the males?

A sort of counter contraceptive pill?

Now members of the medical community like yourself

Are coming forward saying they see

Millions of men experiencing...

It's on every channel.

... the very foundation of what it is to be a man

And what it is to be a woman...

What is wrong?

Nothing...

It's just that I...

You know I'm not religious or spiritual or any of that I just...

I can not help but feel let down by all of this.

Why?

Because I thought what we had between us was special, you know?

Something...

Giving meaning to our lives.

Yeah if you're talking about our unborn child.

Then there is something special between us.

I'm talking about the pregnancy that it even happened at all.

I mean...

I thought this was a miracle. It turns out that's a goddamn epidemic!

So...?

So?! We're not gonna matter, okay?

Our baby is not gonna matter.

We're just like everybody else. Anyone can make a baby.

Is that... Is that all you care about? The attention?

You just want people to come by and-

Greg, of course not. No I just... I thought we were the first.

We were like the Neil Armstrong of male on male conception.

One small step for a man

One giant fucking leap for mankind!

Well, with great hopes comes high disappointment.

I'm upset. Can't I be upset?

Sure, sure. You can be upset. Absolutely, but...

Frankly I'm excited that we won't have news cameras

Pointed at our door 24 hours a day.

Right.

Ken has been acting strange recently.

Well, men have been known to act strangely in pregnancy.

It's too different for them.

They're not actually going through it. - Yeah, I know, I know I'm through it.

Yeah, right, and now if you go throught it...

You have to.

You deal with it, and you'll never forget what your child mean to you.

Yeah, what my child means to me...

It's a completely fucking pain the ass.

No, your children are meaningful.

I don't talk a mere contribution to the world.

I have an appointment. I need to go check on my little contribution.

- Thanks for the insight. - You're welcome.

- Look at you. Need help? - No, I'm fine.

I would reel you in.

Are you here to pick up your wife?

No.

So I just been feeling a little hot lately.

In hot flashes, do you think that's possible?

You're not 32 years old!

Yeah, but the women in my family we all start things earlier.

I hit puberty at nine.

Hormones in chicken? Did you grew up eating a lot of fast food?

Excuse me? Do I look like I grew up eating a lot of Fast food?

I didn't mean anything by it I just-

You know what Doctor? I think we are done here.

Just forget about it. I appreciate your time.

Greg, I will see you now.

The baby will be due October 18th.

Okay. So what do we do on the due day?

Well it's a surgical procedure similar to a C- section.

Okay, doctor but I saw the guy on TV and he had his in a toilet.

Why do you have to cut me open? - Greg, this is so new.

To everyone, to medical professionals everywhere.

And frankly I'd like to play this safe.

I'm sorry I can't help it notice the hair on your hoodie...

- Do you have an animal? - Yeah, I got a cat.

No, no cats have worms and it could get the baby toxoplasmosis.

Linda doesn't have worms.

Well, a cat could suffocate the baby or claw the baby.

Fuck him! Don't let him make you think for one second that you need to get rid of that cat.

I'm not. I will not. But...

All that talk of let's cut the baby out...

- I don't know, it's a downer. - Don't listen him Greg...

Do what you want.

You saw that guy who gave birth in the toilet?

You think he exactly marked this way over there?

Doubtful.

Have the baby however you want, this is YOUR child!

Thank you.

Listen, I...

I'm sorry that I've been such an asshole since this pregnancy.

How's Ernie? How is he doing?

Hot mess.

He texted me last week and asked if I thought Oscar the Grouch writers...

For living in such a tight conditions. - Really?

His hall of questions had something to do with the Kate Blanchet being a half breed...

Well, I'm glad that this stroke has opened up Ernie's mind for the bigger picture.

Wow! It's quite the breakfast you got going here baby.

So you have your appetite back.

Yep. No more nausea.

No more insomnia.

I feel great.

- That's great. - Yeah.

Actually... I was thinking ...

That we might be able to fool around a little bit...

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

I bumped out against the oven handle earlier ...

And I think I got wood.

It's been too long, hasn't been? - Far too long.

I'm gonna find that spot that makes you growl...

You're not on top now.

Wait, wait, wait

- What? you're not ready? - No, no, no,

He moved.

Yeah it's generally what penises do when excited. - No, no the baby.

- Where are you going? - I should clean up the kitchen.

He's scared of this baby I can tell you, you can see when you look in his eyes.

He's afraid to grow up.

Connie

I don't know if I wanna have this baby.

Of course you do! This is a blessing.

People spend thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant.

Or paying for a surrogate or paying to buy a baby from China.

Look, I get it. I know that's hard.

- Have you heard of the Doulas? - No. Who is she?

Not a she. A Doula.

It's like a stress therapist.

They're there for the expecting mother during the pregnancy and then at birth.

- It may be worth looking into. - Yeah, that's fine.

But what about after the birth?

I just wanna make sure that this baby has a family.

Right.

We are going to need to get a new car. - What?

A new car, we gonna need one. - Why?

Because we have to fit a car sit into it and we need four seats.

- Yours has four seats. - And mine is also a piece of shit.

Greg, come on, you know I bought

That car for myself as a present when I graduated at law school .

I know you bought that car for yourself because you liked

Looking in the park lot as the hot lawyer.

Excuse me?

Listen, I know that this baby was unexpected and I know that ...

For the last if you even enjoyed the ride,

But I just think that- - Enjoy the ride?

That's what you think of me?

You know how hard I work. That's what you think?

I think that you don't look like someone who wants to become a father.

Okay, maybe I don't know how to be a dad, maybe I, maybe I...

Maybe I can't be a dad. Maybe I just don't wanna be a dad.

- There it is. - There what is?

The truth that we've been waiting for, you don't want this baby.

Maybe I don't Greg.

Maybe I'm scared.

Scared? Maybe I'm scared too. I'm scared too and...

And who was the one to talk me out of that? It was you.

You were the one. Because you said that it was gonna be a blessing, a new direction.

And that's so easy for you to say, that is so easy for you to say.

When you are not you the person who has to carry it around, okay?

You're not the person who's gotten fat and is getting fatter every single second.

You're not the person who's gonna up shoes size and half

You're not the person who bumps up against kitchen appliances and gets horny.

And you're not the person whose hormones had turned the man into a 15 years old girl.

Yes nod your head, go ahead, nod your head.

But you...

I don't have the energy to hold you up okay?

I don't have the energy to be your rock when you didn't...

You just go.

- Go where? - Just go.

Okay. Really?

Fine.

That's what you want, Greg?

Is it?

Is this what you want?

I'll be sleeping at the office.

So, what I have here is my Doula bag. That I have for many years.

So if is okay with you I'lI show you the kind of things I carry in it.

That'd be great.

So this right here are hard candies.

And I really just carry this in case you

Wanna get a little sugar buzz during labor.

I don't know, just something to comfort you.

Let's see...

Well my swimming suit.

This is a water birth and I can get in it with you.

Plastic bag for my wet swimming suit.

- Nice to meet you! - It's nice to meet you.

Okay, so.... let's see here...

I have...

A pad. If it's those days of the month.

These right here, these are essential oils.

What are those for exactly?

You'll find out which aroma resonates with you.

A mirror.

If you want to see what's going on down there.

That sounds awful.

I have some... gum.

What... what is... that?

That's marijuana. Afterwards you are welcome to use some.

That is very kind of you. - Nice.

So did you brought anything that would be like... Hey this is helpful!

While you're pushing a human out of you?

Yes.

So, would you like one?

They're so good.

Good to see you.

Well, we usually have just a few meetings before the birth.

You know, to discuss things like your emotional needs,

Your mental condition, birth plan.

Just getting ready to push when it comes time to push.

Thomas that's the best thing that I've heard all day.

- Really? - Yeah.

- So you're set for October? - For the moment yeah.

Okay,then I guess that the only thing I will need to do is

Come by and check out your place whenever you'd like.

Just to access the conditions of your home.

The conditions of my home...

Mostly, it's an apartment but it's not sanctioned for anything.

I have a nice scream maker so

That's good, that's good. - Pretentious.

No, probably it's fine.

I would just need to make sure it's appropriate.

You know, no mould, clean air filters, planty of space.

- That sort of stuff. - Yeah.

No stacks of dirty dishes, I got it.

So? This is it.

- Wow! This is great. - Yeah, thank you, thank you.

I should probably check the boiler.

- Oh! Yeah this... - Back here?

Yeah, to the left.

Hot water is important.

We need a lot of hot water for the birth.

That's what I would go.

You'd neeed a lot space in your tub too.

Oh! Yeah.

I don't know about the tub I barely fit in it now.

What about your bed?

I still fit in it.

I know I meant what size is your bed?

Oh, it's a California King.

- It's perfect. - Yes

You can always purchase an inflatable portable pool.

- This is Ken? - Yeah.

- Handsome guy. - Yeah.

Where are you guys here?

Ken was deep sea fishing and

He thrown his harpoon and it popped out of the water so...

You're alright?

No, no.

Not alright.

I'm huge.

I'm like a brand new Greg and I...

I got this thing growing inside of me...

And my nipples are sore and my back hurts...

And my feet are swollen and I am constipated and I...

I haven't seen my dick... in weeks.

And you know, Ken is basically moved out.

Which I get, I don't blame him I don't blame him but...

He's not ready for this and I'm not ready for it either you know...

Sometimes I just can't help but thinking that I don't want this baby.

I've been drinking tap water.

Because I'd heard that it sometimes causes miscarriages in women what...

Or maybe you know it's just the single isolated incident in West Virginia.

I don't know, I followed so many news out some social medias.

And I'd just been looking for someone.

Anyone who is not a falling complete crazy that could...

Help me through this, through the delivery at least.

Because I'm 31 years old and I am a web designer who until very recently...

Did not have any health care and I'm...

I'm a top usually by the way and...

I just don't know how I'm gonna be a parent, how I'm gonna have a family...

My family is a complete train wreck, my mother is vain and self-absorbed.

And my father has never been in the picture and my half sister, Connie, she's...

She's wonderful actually, she's wonderful but has her own problems.

My best friend, Ernie...

He is basically in life long prison sentence for his...

Fucking psychotic christian fundamentalist parents.

And he is in a wheelchair right now by the way.

He is confined to one

And he has the mental capacity a preschool

Constantly tweeting about like sharp wigs

Or whether or not the Cookie Monster has an ants problem.

- I'm sorry. - It's okay.

Look...

I know that most of my responsibility happens at birth but...

Greg, looks like you're under

A considerable amount of stress and stress is not good for the baby.

And yes, in some areas either is tap water.

... But hey, why don't we do this...

Why don't we schedule an appointment each week from here on now?

That i's very nice of you, Thomas, but I can't afford that.

I just can't. So thank you, thank you, though.

It's what, it's what needs to be done.

And if you still want me to be your Doula, what I hope you do,

That's what we gonna do.

Okay.

Don't worry about the money.

God, I'm happy to help. So happy to help.

Hormones...

Well, today I thought I'd start off simple.

Okay.

After your outburst the other day.

I thought it would be a very good idea for you to get your feelings out.

Awesome.

- How do you feel? - Fat.

I feel fat like Marlon Brandon in The Island of Dr Monroe.

It's like I have a gravitational pull.

I have a solution, I think.

Have you ever seen that music video about Britney Spears Dear Diary?

No, I haven't.

Well, you gonna Dear Diary the shit out of this notebook.

A Dear diary, I'm fat and disgusting,

Dear diary, where my penis go?

And so and so forth, okay?

Okay.

- Oh you hated it! - Kind of.

It's merely a suggestion, this is all about you.

Hello?

Greg, hi. Brett Roberts from the Local News.

I just wanted to get back with you about schedule your interview.

Schedule? I didn't scheduled an interview.

Well, it must have been your partner, Ken.

Apparently Ken called a few weeks ago and,

This is the first opportunity I have to get back with you, I'm so sorry.

Is this... Is this about my pregnancy?

Yes, it is! And congratulations by the way.

You might have won me over by saying my condolences, the way that I'm feeling right now.

Hello?

So I brought you two things that gonna improve your mood.

This is a test, a bag of essentials

Oh shit! No...

This is to watch Clueless.

- Whatever the edition... - That's a better test.

That's a test. - And...

There's this. Which one do you want?

- Dulce de Leche. - Nice. I'll have the strawberry.

Listen, did you actually...?

The essentials were just a joke, right? Like you didn't...?

Or did you actually intended to bring some essentials? - I did.

But I... I left it on my counter before I left.

No, it's good to like soak in absence...

- That's okay. - It's for...

Like most relaxation and stuff like that.

Yeah I have some.

How many births did you assisted on?

- Four. - So I'm your fifth.

Yes, well...

Technically...

Or the forth I guess. Depending on how you look at it.

One of my clients miscarried, so.

That's terrible, I'm so orry.

It's okay. She was...

I mean, she was...

It was not good but...

So what is you...

What is you do regularly, or what you wanna do regularly?

I like to be making music actually. - Yeah?

Yeah, I mean, that's what led me to Nashville, so...

Alright. - But since I don't have...

Anything too cling to just yet. Like your fortunate sister does.

I mostly do ... figure modeling

For Art classes.

Some of the colleges around town..?

Really?

Like... Like figure...?

Like... figure... like naked...?

- Naked? - Nude. They call it nude.

- I did not take you for an exhibitionist. - I'm not!

- It seems like you might be an exhibitionist. - I'm definitely not.

Really? Is it not uncomfortable?

The first or second time...

Yeah, yes, but I...

I don't know. I guess it grown on me. Like most things do.

Ew.

You know, just kept stick with it long enough.

But...

Some of the fucking poses they make me do? Suck!

Suck so bad! It's so uncomfortable!

And I start like...

Individually resenting each and every student in the class.

Because you know they're comfortable.

But I don't know after it passes,

It's pretty freeing. You should try it.

Belly and all. - That would be beautiful.

I just kinda zone out and...

I write songs in my head. And they can't really do that.

An attempt job or sling drinks.

Which I've tried before.

I can definitely see you raking the booze,

Behing a bar.

Yeah, I did it for a while.

But that is definitely something that did not grown on me.

I'm just really not that social actually.

Really? - Yeah.

And that's kind of what I like about the art classes.

Yes?

You don't have to talk to anybody, you know?

Just sort of... judge them on silently.

But you know, sometimes after classe I'll get up and walk around,

And look at people's sculptures and the drawings.

And chat a little bit, but inevitably I just kind of zone out and...

And I play music in my head, you know?

Unless I have a big ass cramp in my toe.

So what's your agenda?

In Pop music? - Yeah.

Sing a song that stuck.

So what kind of are you trying like... Are you trying about Britney or Adele?

You gave me pretty little kisses on my face

Your arms enlace me, we cuddle in the right place

In every time I look at you, you smile on like

You know what it do to me

It doen't hurt that you have the most perfect teeth

And when you hold my hand you sweep me off my feet

Because every time I'm around you, I can barely breathe

You see what you do to me

I won't forget you when you leave me

I know it's coming shortly

That I just have to let you know

It's what you do to me

It's what you do to me

I can barely breathe

It's what you do to me

It's what you do to me

It's what you do to me

I can barely breathe

It's what you do to me

It's what you do to me

Hello.

Hi Greg, Brett Roberts from the Local News please don't hang up.

I'll get it. - Thank you.

- Hi. - Hi.

Brett Roberts good to see you. - Nice to meet you.

I wanna go over a few bullet points first before we get started if that's okay.

Sure.

Is paternity leave, it's that an option for you?

No, no I'm self-employed.

Alright. Well, we'll just inscribe as unknow.

What are your plans for delivery?

Greg has decided to do a home birth.

And we gonna get an inflatable pool and do a water birth right here in the livingroom.

Okay.

Oh, my god Brett hit me up on Grindr!

When? When he was here or was after he left?

No! No, yuck! Not gonna happen.

Ages ago. Like before he was on TV.

Yes, but I doubt he remembers.

Although he did give me this weird look when he walked in did you see it?

He did, he did give you a low weird look. But did you two ever...?

Did you meet him after...? - No, no.

If memory serves he was apprehensive.

Oh, like he was cautious about meeting because he's still...

- Yes. -Yes.

His profile was Brett spelled backwards and...

And his profile pic was on that area between the neck and the nipples?

The memory does serves I guess...

Maybe he was new in town and went hunting, you know?

It was what you were doing? - No, no.

I feel like I only ever checked that stuff when I'm feeling lonely.

I get.

Hi.

Hi.

Ken this is Thomas he's my Doula.

Hi.

Yes, I just came by to drop stuff.

You can stay if you want... - No, no I can't. I have a meeting.

Nice to meet you.

Okay, Greg, today I want you to pick a room

Any room in the apartment.

Walk into it and find five things that you could live without.

Okay.

And then throw them away.

And what purpose does this serve?

Maybe it's just to feel a little less overwhelmed?

And I mean not in the I feel soft and life is too hard,

There's so much to it, kind of way I mean why do we have three lemon shakers by the way?

How did you know about the lemon shakers?

- A bunch. - Yeah.

- So you do know what I mean. - No I know, I know exactly what you mean.

My grandparents are...

They are... They were...

Richer than Ben Folds. Not as rich as the Kardashians.

They had an Antiques obsession anyway.

When they passed on...

I was left in their will so I know exactly what you're talking about.

- Nice. - Yuck.

-Who got the loop? - My sister, thank goodness.

She got the house and most of the stuff so.

Alright, I will purge.

I'm sorry you may not remember me completely but we've seen each other.

- Greg! Oh my God! - Hi Alex!

- Hi! How are you? - I'm well, I'm well, how are you?

I'm ...

- I'm good... - Good.

- Are you ... Are you pregnant? - Yes, I'm pregnant.

Oh! my God! Who is the father?

Ken, Ken is.

- Wow! - Yeah.

That... You...

That... that lasted a long time.

- Yeah. - Good for you...

- Well, not that good for me now... - Oh, I'm sorry...

- That's okay. That's okay. What are you up to?

I... I don't know I'm ... A little of this, a little...

I'm sorry, is that a weird question to ask? I'm sorry.

- I didn't mean to pry. - No, I... I'm in school.

I'm taking night classes at the Art college Downtown.

- That's great! Congratulations! - Yeah I...

I mean...

I still don't know what I'll be when I grow up but it's a start I guess...

Sure.

And I never really had the drive you did.

Yes, my drive...

By the way, I dropped out of med school.

- So... why? You didn't...? - Yeah.

- Because of the baby? - Oh, no, no, no this happened way before the baby.

Way long.

What made you decide to quit?

You don't care about this. It's okay.

Yes I do. Of course I do!

Your future was always so important to you!

Well, things change.

You look great.

- You, you look great. - No I don't.

- Yes, you do. - No, I am fat.

You are pregnant.

That's true, Yes. Well, I'm pregnant.

Well...

Hey, do you... what are you doing right now? Do you wanna grab some coffee?

- Can you even drink coffee? - Oh no. Yeah. No. I can't.

But I can drink tea, I can have a tea.

Okay.

Great. Well, good, good. I'll tell you, it's so great to see you.

It was great seeing you too.

Alright I'll gonna check out my albums and then we head out, sounds good?

Yeah. Alright. I am so glad I run into you.

Yeah. It's so sweet, yeah, wow! Good.

BUY 3 USED ITEMS GET THE 4TH ONE FREE.

Hi.

I...

- Why are you here? - I just came by to say hi.

See how you were.

Impressing you .

I really missed you.

I really missed you too.

Hey, did you see the new car?

- It's yours? - Ours.

When I pulled in the front I saw a Volvo,

And that the lights were on inside I thought I was about to be a victim

Of middle-class, some middle-class crime.

You were right.

I'm sad to say you were right about everything.

I was... scared.

Scared and I...

I was so wrapped up in how it was gonna affect me that...

I acted like the big prick we both know I can be.

I wasn't even thinking about how you should be feeling.

And you deserve a lot better than that, Greg.

So I'm here to be better.

If you let me. I really wanna be better and...

I'm gonna be better.

You know the best news?

- What? - I'm really a father.

I'm so glad you're here!

Me too. I missed you. I missed you so much!

You know I've been eating like from snacks machine at work?

- Yeah? - So like two weeks that count.

That's number one, it's expensive.

Yeah, and they are loaded with salted peanuts, it's horrible!

- What? - I'm just...

I'm afraid I'm gonna crush the baby.

People have sex when they're pregnant all the time.

What if...if I just milked you?

I know that I look like a cow but that is another.

I want you to fuck me.

Listen to you born again bottom.

Alright.

Ken?

Ken? It's time.

-Time for what? - Time to get chicken out of the oven.

- Ken, it's time to have the baby! - What?!

Time to have the baby, Ken! - Okay, okay, okay.

Here we go. Alright.

I don't... I can walk. I can walk, I'm okay.

I can't believe this is happening.

Yeah...

I had a long time to get used to the idea.

Hello!

I've heard a baby is on the way!

PLEASE DO NOT DISTURB

Are you ready to come out? Are you ready to come out?

Today is the day.

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Okay, yeah, easy, easy

Yeah, I'm okay.

- Am I pretty? - You are beautiful.

Come over here. Over here, Greg.

Okay, Greg. You're doing well.

God! Shit!

Motherfucker!

Greg, I can see the head.

- What? What? - Is he coming?

You're almost there, sweetie. You're nearly there, okay?

- Okay, okay. - Now, you can push.

Come on.

According to medical experts,

Since the first man became pregnant,

An estimated fifty thousand babies worlwide have been born to men

Miraculously the number of C-sections

Have been unparalled with the number of natural births.

Suggesting that men's bodies have adapted,

Some point in the last twenty five thousand years.

And that men giving birth is just another bullet point

On the impressive timeline of homo sapiens evolution.

Today, the Republican Congress

Which includes six nearly pregnant legislators

Has rushed through a bill proposing that pregnant men

Been paid paternity leave

Which is expected to easily pass the house

Should be on the president's desk early next week.

Awaiting his signature.

English Subtitles: Pinky and the Brain

More after the credits

Today we are here with the new Nashville transplant,

All the way from sunny west Hollywood California.

Mr. Gino Ollie. He's recently had his third baby.

The first which was born in a toilet.

He just came out so unexpectedly. I was at the club T and I thought,

I had got some food poisoning from the crab leg,

I've had on a Chinese buffet earlier.

You had no idea at all you were pregnant. No signs, nothing.

No, no I mean, I'm a large girl, so...

And everything went smoothly after that, the baby was good and healthy?

What I mean, you know, he has some issues

But you know he alright, he run around,

He kinda talk sometimes.

And your second and third children they...?

Oh they're fine. Trey, Trey Trey, and Japanda.

- Lord, days are long. - Japanda?

- Beautiful, beautiful name. - Her daddy pick it.

Her daddy pick it.

We were at that japanese restaurant,

You know what I'm saying? He picked it right out Japanda.

- I loved it. - You sound very proud.

What about the father or fathers of these... babies?

Well, you know, they're fathers,

They're there. They're around. They're around.

So they're helping you take care of your children?

Their pay checks are helping me take care of my children.

So they're not raising your children...?

Well, you know, I mean... How... I don't mean,

What does raising children really mean anyway?

You know, I saying...

That's a good question Nashville what does raising children really mean?