Original subtitles

(cash register)

- And then he'll enter from over here,

and you're gonna wanna stand here,

probably a low angle, maybe an 85 millimeter I'd say.

And where'd the lady go?

- Here.

- Okay, sweetheart come here, sit.

What do you like to eat?

- Um, poached eggs.

- Scrambled looks better on camera.

Get her a scrambled eggs, wet.

Now, when he comes in, you're very surprised, okay?

- But I already know that he's--

- You're very surprised.

You never expected that a handsome important man like him

would come into your little diner of all places,

and he's gonna sit down next to you.

And you're gonna wanna get a two-shot of them

talking from here, and ...

No, no no, not yet!

Get her another one.

- You know what else I'm not gonna miss?

- Besides him? (laughs)

- Diner coffee.

- I know that's right.

- How hard is it to make a good cup?

You just grind the beans, pour the water over it.

It's not like it takes a genius to make a good cup.

- [Woman In Black] Right.

- Hey gang, what's for breakfast?

- Senator Kenny Weston!

- That's right, hey it's good to see you, folks.

Ooh, you got the sausage. That looks good!

Excuse me, ma'am, is this seat taken?

- [Woman With Red Hair] All yours, Senator.

- Well thank you.

Hey, don't mind me, folks.

I just dropped by for a little chow. (crowd laughs)

Well, hi there, Miss.

- Morning, what can I get you, Senator?

- Uh, let's see, well I will take the same

as this lovely lady's having.

Plus a cup of your most delicious coffee, please.

- Coming right up.

- Thank you.

And what is your name, sweetheart?

- I'm Betty Bauser.

- Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Betty.

Now is that B-O-W-S-E-R, like the dog?

- No, it's B-A-U-S-E-R.

- Oh yeah, of course.

You know, I once knew a Bob Brauer,

terrific tax lawyer out of Dallas.

I don't suppose you're any relation.

- No, I don't recall having any relatives--

- Don't listen to him, Betty.

- Oh, shit.

- He's a goddamn liar.

- Oh ...

- [Man With Mustache] He voted for it nine times!

- Oh, not again.

- [Man With Mustache] Nine times, you can look it up!

- [Betty] Shut up, Earl.

- My friend, if you would like to discuss this calmly,

I'd be glad to answer --

- He wants to take away our freedom, Betty.

That's how it all starts!

They check up on your background.

Then they roll in the tanks and the artillery.

Mark my words!

- Earl, I told you to shut up!

It's not bad enough I have to listen to you 23 years.

- Now, nobody's gonna take away your freedom, my friend.

In fact, I am a strong supporter of the Second Amendment.

- Like hell, you voted nine times!

- Sir, if I could talk to you

for a moment privately. - [Earl] I got nothing

to say to you.

Listen to me!

We're all gonna be slaves inside of a year!

- [Betty] Earl! - I'm gonna ask you to leave.

- They got giant lizard people

running the Federal Reserve.

I've seen pictures.

Get your goddamn reptile hands off of me!

- [Betty] Earl! Ohhh! (gasps)

- [Man in Brown] Okay folks, we're gonna move on from here.

It was very nice to meet everyone.

(laughing)

No cameras, no cameras please.

I said no cameras!

♪ Stay on message

♪ Project confidence

♪ Say that you think Washington is rotten

♪ Just look relaxed

♪ But if a questioner attacks

♪ Digress until the question is forgotten

♪ You gotta keep it short

♪ And make it snappy

♪ Repeat it over and over like a rhyme

♪ Ideas that once seemed dense

♪ Will feel like common sense

♪ When they've heard it over 1500 times

♪ But if they press you for a statement

♪ And you're not sure it's okay

♪ Remember

♪ You never get in trouble

♪ For something you don't say

(bouncy music)

(crickets and birds chirping)

♪ God bless the U.S.A.

♪ the land of the free

♪ That good and gracious promised land

♪ Where we live in harmony

♪ Harmony

♪ Land of the Pilgrim's pride

♪ Land where my fathers died

♪ From every mountainside

♪ This land's for you and me

- Nice, great job, everybody.

And just remember to enunciate a little bit more,

and don't forget to sing on the vowels, okay?

One more time.

♪ God bless the USA

♪ The land of the free

♪ Land of the free

♪ That good and gracious promised land

♪ Where we live in harmony

♪ Harmony

(dramatic music)

- Another in a series of humiliations

for GOP presidential hopeful Kenny Weston tonight,

as a heckler disrupts a routine photo op

in a small town diner.

Take a look at this exclusive video,

obtained by our news team.

- ... pictures, get your (bleep) reptile hands off of me!

- [Betty] Earl! Ohhh! (gasps)

- Joining me now to help make sense of it all

are our distinguished panel of political experts.

Thank you all for being here.

To you first, Tom Tishkin.

Is it time to write the obituary on the Weston campaign?

- If not the obituary,

at least the do not resuscitate order.

- Good one, Tom.

Rolando Iglesias, your thoughts?

- Well look, the optics on this are absolutely terrible for --

- [Kenny] Well, shoot.

- [Man In Black] Not so fast.

- Not so fast?

We've been doing this for two years.

- That's because you haven't been stroking the base enough.

That heckler could have been a supporter.

- That heckler was a whack job.

- Maybe, but he represents a key demographic.

- (laughs) The delusional?

- Look, Kenny it's like I've been saying.

This is the perfect time to reboot and move right.

- Um, he has a voting record, remember?

- Right, he's a moderate inclusive Republican.

That's always been our brand.

- Well, I'm sorry, but your brand is boring.

People wanna feel something.

It's like Atwater said,

"Grab 'em by the balls and their votes will follow."

- Yeah, like that's really gonna help with the gender gap.

- Shh, I'm trying to think.

Yeah, I don't know, what do you think?

- Look, once you get the nomination,

you can take any lukewarm bullshit

middle of the road position you want.

But for now--

- No, he can't, it's all on YouTube.

- They'll flip-flop us.

- Alright, well maybe we

after we see how things go at the megachurch.

- The Megachurch cancelled.

- What?

- They heard about the diner,

but I was able to get us another church.

- Where?

- It's little off the beaten track,

but, the pastor's very excited to meet you.

- Oh, we should just cancel.

- You cancel that rally, you send up a white flag.

- Alright, alright, we'll do the church.

Just get it over with, alright?

(church organ music)

- Heavenly father, we are so blessed to have

Senator Kenny Weston and his distinguished colleagues

here with us today.

Please grant them good health and wisdom

as they seek the leadership of this great land.

Lord, we ask your help in guiding us to choose

the best steward of thy people,

the candidate best able to restore

and strengthen our American family.

For we know it true that a nation

is only as strong as its homes.

Father, we know that this election

may be the most important election

in our lifetime.

With so much at stake,

and so many things seem to be changing

in the wrong direction lately.

Help us protect this precious land.

In Jesus' name we pray, amen.

- [All] Amen.

- Well, Senator, I'm sure the people here are anxious

to ask you questions about important issues,

but before we do that

we have a special surprise for you.

- Oh, well I sure hope it doesn't involve eggs.

(congregation erupts in laughter)

- I promise, no eggs this time,

but in appreciation of your long service for our country

our congregation would like to offer you

a patriotic serenade written and composed,

if I may be able to boast just a little bit,

by my lovely daughter, Liberty,

who as a matter of fact wrote the whole thing

when she was all of 12 years old.

- Is that right?

- Oy vey.

- It's all you, honeybun.

(Country pop music)

- Okay.

♪ Well, they set out on the ocean

♪ Leaving misery behind

♪ They were searching for a purity

♪ Didn't know what they would find

♪ They just wanted to be faithful

♪ To be free and left alone

♪ So when they saw that Massachusetts rock

♪ They knew that they'd found home ♪

(applause and cheers)

Come on everybody, put your hands in the air!

♪ God bless the USA

♪ The land of the free

♪ Land of the free

♪ That good and gracious promised land

♪ Where we live in harmony

♪ Harmony

♪ Land of the Pilgrim's pride

♪ Land where my fathers died

♪ From every mountainside

♪ This land's for you and

♪ Me

(cheering and applause) (loud guitar solo)

- [Nikki] She's a stupid fundamentalist.

- Exactly.

And she's from a battleground state,

not to mention she's totally hot,

which seals the Bubba vote.

- Not to mention, you're a pig.

- Oh, sticks and stones.

- Alright, that's enough of that, you two.

- Kenny, I'm telling you, this is our once chance to win.

- What, American Idol?

- What about the issues?

What about our agenda?

Remember "The New Party of Lincoln?"

- Look, you can forget about your agenda

if we don't get that nomination.

And the only way we're gonna get it

is by splitting off the bible nuts or Tea Partiers.

- No way those people are gonna vote for Kenny.

- Yeah, but they might vote for Liberty.

- You still won't have enough delegates.

- Nobody does, so we force a second ballot.

- This is so corrupt.

- Oh, I'm sorry if I've offended your high moral standards.

- Alright, so Dick, if I'm getting what you're saying here,

we still got a chance to win this thing?

- Correct.

What do you say?

- 'Bout what?

- The girl as your surrogate.

- What do you mean?

For impotency stuff?

I don't need any ...

- No, your political surrogate.

- Oh.

Well she is very appealing

and people did seem to respond to her singing, so ...

Yeah, sure, why not?

Let's do it, that thing you said.

The suffragette.

- Surrogate.

- Right.

- So,

It doesn't matter whether we like it or not.

That's just the way God made us,

full of the dickens

and want things that aren't good for us.

Am I right about that?

(congregation murmurs approval)

But, just because I see it,

doesn't mean I gotta have it.

And just because I like it,

doesn't mean I gotta take it.

Now, don't think it's any easier for me

because I'm a preacher,

because I am a man of God.

Shoot.

I probably got more sins than all of you!

(laughter)

Now, I'm not trying to shock you.

I'm just telling you like it is.

Because if you don't face the truth, then what?

You're shrouded in a cloud of darkness.

That's what the Bible says.

(congregation mutters agreement)

Oh, the young people.

They say, "Reverend Smith,

"I like your preaching.

"I like your sermons.

"But why do you go on and on about sin?

"Why are you always so judgemental?"

And I say, "I'm not judging anybody.

"I'm just saying to them

"they can get clean!"

'Cause you see, God is a great cleanser.

He's like a spiritual washcloth.

He can wipe away your sins,

but you gotta put in the elbow grease!

I'm saying to you, church,

you got to get down on your hands and knees

and start scrubbin'!

(Congregation shouts approval)

(gospel piano music)

♪ Now when I was a young boy

♪ Upon my Momma's knee

♪ I used to steal some extra candy

♪ If I thought that she won't see

♪ But Momma caught me creeping and

♪ She knew that I had stole

♪ Said, "Boy you better rub a dub dub

♪ Bubble and scrub

♪ Deep down in your soul!"

♪ Bubble and scrub, bubble and scrub

♪ God will bless you double

♪ If you only take the trouble

♪ To get down on your knees with

♪ The good old Spic and Span

♪ Rub a dub dub, bubble and scrub

♪ Like only Jesus can!

♪ I used to be a drunkard

♪ Who stunk of beer and gin

♪ I'd wake up in the gutter

♪ Couldn't tell you where I've been

♪ But the good Lord put me in a washer

♪ And he spun me round and round

♪ Rub a dub dub, bubble and scrub

♪ Was lost but now I'm found!

♪ Oh yes you better bubble and scrub

♪ Oh yes you better scrub my children

♪ God will bless you double ♪ Ooh ooh

♪ If you only take the trouble

♪ To get down on your knees

♪ With the good old Spic and Span

♪ Rub a dub dub, bubble and scrub

♪ Like only Jesus can

♪ I used to play the ponies

♪ And bet on loaded dice

♪ I'd even stoop to Bingo

♪ So filthy was my vice

♪ But with my Savior's spot remover

♪ And a bleach of heavenly light

♪ Rub a dub dub, bubble and scrub

♪ My blackened soul is white!

♪ The Lord will cleanse you

♪ Deep down in your soul

♪ He'll wash and send you

♪ To your heavenly goal

♪ Well it's time to put the plunger

♪ To that funky bowl of Sin

♪ Flush it down with a joyful sound

♪ And let the sunshine in

(saloon piano music)

♪ (striptease music) I used to dance for money

♪ On a shiny pole of brass

♪ And if a gentleman tipped me big enough

♪ Well I'd show him

♪ Some of my

class!

♪ But a missionary found me

♪ And then he saved me from perdition

♪ It was a rub

♪ Dub

♪ Bubble and scrub

♪ He taught me his ...

♪ position.

♪ (sexy saxophone)

♪ Bubble and scrub (old-timey gospel music)

♪ Bubble and scrub

♪ God'll bless you double

♪ If you only take the trouble

♪ To get down on your knees

♪ With the good old Spic and Span

♪ Rub a dub dub, bubble and scrub

♪ Like only Jesus can

- Oh, good church, good church, good church!

Hallelujah!

Are there any announcements over there, Belva?

- Thank you Reverend.

- Uh huh.

(clears throat)

Friday is the last day (soft organ music)

to take your chance on winning that family trip

to the John The Baptist Water Park,

so make sure you see Esther after the service

to get your ticket.

And we have a special visitor again today,

Senator Kenny Weston.

(applause)

Senator, did you want to say a few words?

- Oh.

- No, thank you ma'am.

He's just here to worship humbly before God

and he does every Sunday.

- Alright, then.

I know you're all gonna give Senator Weston and his team

a very warm welcome when you see them.

And don't forget, the ladies' Bible study

will not be meeting this Wednesday

owing to the problems with the downstairs plumbing.

And softball practice will be held on Wednesday,

7 p.m. at the high school, field number three.

- (laughs) And then the southern Baptist says,

"God, you didn't hear me.

"I said full of Grace, not full of grease!"

(laughing)

- Oh, that's a good one, Reverend.

- Daddy, that is so old and so corny.

- I know, but they're laughing aren't they?

- Oh, Reverend, I'd like to introduce you

to my campaign team.

This is my Chief Strategist, Dick Dinkler.

- [Reverend] What a pleasure to meet you, sir.

- Very pleased to meet you, Reverend.

I thought you gave a terrific sermon today.

Really thought provoking.

- Oh well, thank you.

- And this is my communications director,

Miss Nicole Levine.

- Well, good for you.

A director at such a young age.

You must be very good at what you do.

- Oh she is, outstanding.

- Levine, huh?

That means you're from the tribe of Levi,

the ministers of the ancient temple of Israel.

That means you and I have a lot in common.

In fact, I had the opportunity

to visit the Holy Land just last year.

Have you been there?

- I'm afraid I have not.

- Well, you gotta get there while you have the chance.

Makes you appreciate we Christians have to thank

our Jewish brethern for.

- Well, we did let you borrow some of our books.

(Liberty giggles)

- Oh, the Bible books.

Oh, that's a good one, Miss Levine.

You gotta keep her.

- Oh yeah, we'll never let go of Nicole.

You know, she started with us

when she was just a sophomore at Brandeis.

- Kenny, I have something to show you.

I don't think that, I wanna know--

- And who is this lovely lady?

- Well, this is my Campaign Manager,

Yolanda Jones.

- Who happens to be a very devout Christian.

- [Reverend] Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Jones.

- Ms., nice to meet you too, Reverend.

- Well, before you go,

would you all like to join us

for some coffee and fellowship?

Liberty has made some cupcakes.

- Of course we would.

- But there is something we would like to ask you first.

- You and Liberty here.

- [Reverend] Oh?

- Well, we were just so impressed

by your daughter's performance yesterday.

Somehow she just really managed

to capture the spirit of America.

- So we were wondering if she might consider joining us

on the campaign trail for a while?

- You, you want me to sing?

- Well yeah, sing, and be a ...

- We'd like you to be

a featured spokesperson for the campaign.

- I don't know.

Daddy, what do you think?

- Well, Senator Weston and his team

seem like nice people.

And you do say you're pro life?

- Absolutely.

I believe that life begins at inception.

- [Dick] Conception.

- (mumbles) Thing.

- There's one thing that concerns me

is that the girl hasn't been away from home very much

and I have heard of the activities that happen

on the campaign trail,

especially behind the scenes.

- Daddy.

I'm 24 years old.

I went to college.

- That's exactly why we would be assigning

Miss Levine to be Liberty's personal chaperone,

to make sure she's absolutely safe.

- Well, if that's the case,

then it's a done deal. (laughs)

If that's okay with you, Miss Liberty.

- Well, I guess if you--

- Terrific.

to Washington for a few days.

- Yep, gotta make some votes.

- But how about you pack up your things

and Levine, I mean, Nicole,

picks you up right here, day after tomorrow?

- Okay.

(Nikki clears throat)

- Now, who wants some cupcakes?

- Oh!

- Let's go!

- Okay.

- I made a bunch.

- A bunch?

- [Liberty] (giggles) Yeah.

- [Kenny] Maybe I'll eat two.

(bouncy music)

- We're thinking her colors

would be the traditional red, white, and blue,

with a special emphasis on white

to symbolize purity.

- [Kenny] I like it.

You got any pictures?

- Here is the concept poster

the focus groups responded to.

We're thinking a silo, maybe some grazing cattle.

- How about you put her on a wild mustang?

(laughing)

- Nice.

Yeah, catchy slogan, too.

- Now are you sure you want to quote

a famous bisexual?

- [Dick] What?

- Well, you know that's Walt Whitman, don't you?

- Whatever, these people don't read poetry.

- If they can read at all.

- (scolding) Nikki.

- And on the bumper stickers,

we're thinking just, "I sing America."

- Perfect.

- Great, I'll get them working on the first spot.

Wait till you see the t-shirts.

♪ Ooh yeah (electric dance music)

- I can't believe he made me her babysitter.

- She seems perfectly competent.

I'm sure you don't actually have to--

- I should just quit now.

- And let him take over?

I'm not even sure that I want to work in politics anymore.

Oh, and her Daddy?

- He's not so bad.

- Whose side are you on, anyway?

- Your side, baby girl, always.

You know that.

But sometimes you're a little quick to judge people.

- I'm judgmental?

- Sometimes, yeah.

Actually, it's kinda funny, when you think about it.

I mean, if he only knew. (laughing)

- Nikki?

- Hey.

- We should so get together.

I got a new hot tub.

- I'm really busy.

- (scoffs) Fine.

- [Yolanda] You could have at least talked to her.

- That girl is not about talking.

(Yolanda laughs)

- (laugh/sigh) Can you sit on this for a second?

(laughs)

(clears throat)

- (grunts) Are you sure you need all these?

- I need to be prepared.

- I know, but can't you just go to a library?

- We're gonna be traveling.

(groans) Sugar!

- Hey, hey, hey.

Don't rip it now.

Let me try.

Oh, "American Foreign Policy since 1948."

"Volume two."

Sounds like a real page turner.

- It's interesting.

- Well ...

Well, how about something smaller?

Hmm?

- The Little Mermaid?

- [Reverend] Oh, you used to love this.

- (laughs) Until I found out they changed the ending.

The original was so much better.

Hand me that other one.

- Hey listen, Lib.

If, perchance, you happen to meet

a young, eligible bachelor on the campaign trail--

- [Liberty] Daddy!

- Well, you're not getting any younger.

- I'm not even 25!

- Well, your mom and I were married

by the time we were 21.

- You were precocious.

- Well, I worry about you.

You know, I'm not gonna be around forever.

- I don't need you to take care of me.

- I know.

I just don't want you to be lonely.

- I'm not lonely.

I have lots of friends.

- Yeah, but not a special friend.

Not the kinda friend that makes your heart

go pitter pat like your mom did for me.

You never had a special friend like that, have you?

- Maybe I need to get out of this town.

You'd have to agree, my options are somewhat limited.

- Well, what about them Sarver boys?

I see them in church every Sunday.

They're good lookin'.

- Carl and Greg Sarver?

Are you kidding?

All they care about is four wheel drives,

fly fishing, and beer.

- Oh geez, well I guess you're right.

- Daddy, I know you just want me to be happy,

but I'm not gonna be happy if I marry

someone I'm not in love with.

- That's true, but don't you think that

your expectations are just a little bit unrealistic?

I mean look, let's face it.

No guy is gonna be as smart as you.

And brains ain't everything.

- Daddy!

♪ I never fell for fairy tales

♪ For the one true love that's found

♪ That handsome prince who'd soon convince

♪ My feet to leave the ground.

♪ I never longed for lovers' songs

♪ For the poet's perfect rhyme

♪ All I ever hoped for

♪ Was someone who'd spend some time

♪ Just be a friend of mine

♪ Someone real

♪ Someone who makes me laugh

♪ Who'll share their life with me half and half

♪ Who will smile in my photograph

♪ Someone who's not afraid to love

♪ Someone that I can talk to

♪ Who calls me up when I'm feeling blue

♪ Someone that I can make happy too

♪ Someone who understands me

(somber music)

(faster music)

♪ I never fall for Barbie Dolls

♪ For dimwit dixie queens

♪ Those tan salon, nail-polished,

♪ fawning female figurines

♪ Bikini wax and cleavage racks

♪ Can't hide an empty soul

♪Oh, all I ever hoped for

♪ was someone who's brave and bold

♪ No fragile flower who'll fade and fold

♪ Someone real

♪ Someone who's flesh on bones

♪ Who's not expecting a diva's throne

♪ Just a plain Jane or maybe Joan of Arc

♪ That girl had balls!

♪ It's fine if she's soft and sweet

♪ Just as long as she's got some meat

♪ Someone with brains but without conceit

♪ Someone who understands me

♪ But what if I can't find the love

♪ I'm seeking?

♪ That someone who can take me

♪ As I am?

♪ That old friend I can talk to

♪ Without speaking,

♪ The lover with a sure

♪ And steady hand?

♪ Someone who's on the square

♪ Who's not obsessed with her processed hair

♪ Someone who really cares

♪ Someone who's not afraid to love

♪ It's fine if they've got love handles

♪ She could even wear socks with sandals

♪ I'm not expecting a lifetime plan

♪ Just one to understand a hometown

♪ fan who'll take a stand beside me

♪ Just give me someone that I can love

♪ For real

(cheering)

- We love you, Liberty.

- I love you guys, too, so much.

- I just wish your mom ...

Just give me a call every now and again, okay?

- I'll call you every day.

But you've gotta promise me you'll eat

something more than canned soup.

- Promise.

- I left some super simple recipes by the microwave.

- Miss Smith.

- Coming!

- Just remember what we talked about.

- Daddy, I love you.

- I Sing America?

Kinda sounds like that Walt Whitman poem.

You know, I Hear America Singing, from Leaves of Grass?

Let's see

"I hear America singing, the varied carols I hear,

"Those of mechanics, each one singing his

"as it should be blithe and ... "

(giggles)

- We should get going.

- Okay.

- [Crowd] Bye!

(bouncy music)

- A dramatic change of political strategy

for candidate Kenny Weston tonight.

And could one young woman save an entire campaign?

I'm Rolf Schnitzel and you've just entered

The Briefing Room.

(dramatic music)

Well, some political analysts are calling it

a desperate Hail Mary pass,

while others applaud Kenny Weston's

recent political rebranding

as a brilliant piece of strategy.

But maybe the results speak for themselves.

In just one hour, a new campaign commercial

featuring the singing, dancing sensation, Liberty Smith,

received over 20 million views.

Just in case you've been living

in a cave for the last few days,

here it is now.

(patriotic music)

♪ Let's look ahead to the good old days

♪ When life was bright and new

♪ I'm looking forward to the good old days

♪ A time that's tried and true

♪ A time when everybody knew your name ♪

(wolf whistling) (bike bell dinging)

♪ And even if they didn't

♪ They smiled just the same

♪ I found a future in the good old days

♪ Now won't you join me too

♪ Two young lovers on a bright spring day

♪ While mama waits inside

♪ Better not cuss or fuss or fight

♪ 'Cause papa will tan your hide

♪ Grandma sits a-stitchin' in her rocker

♪ And every meal was made by Betty Crocker

♪ We can go back to the good old days

♪ But it's up to you to decide

♪ And Sunday (church organ music)

♪ Was the Lord's Day

♪ For baseball and barbeque

♪ Fishin' with Junior at the catfish pond

♪ While Missy helped her mother with a chore

♪ Or two

(patriotic music)

(tap dancing)

♪ Let's march ahead to a brand new day

♪ Like the ones we left behind

♪ Let's take a page from a golden age

♪ A kinder, gentler time

♪ A time when right was right

♪ And wrong was wrong

♪ And if you sang a tune

♪ The band would play along

♪ I'm moving on to the good old days

♪ Now won't you join me

♪ Oh won't you join me

♪ Won't you join me, too ?

(fireworks explosion)

- [Kenny] I'm Kenny Weston and I approve this message.

(dixieland music)

(airplane engine roaring)

(cheering and applause)

(heavy metal music) (fireworks exploding)

(train rumbling)

(train horn blaring)

- [Voiceover] Now turning to you first, Tom Tishkin,

new polls showing Weston up by five points in Ohio,

but with the gap narrowing after

his lackluster performance on Tuesday night,

what does Kenny Weston need to do

in the next two weeks before election day?

- [Voiceover] Well, he's definitely gotta improve

his performance in the next debate.

He needs to look presidential;

in command, but still relatable,

someone the American people would want

to go on a fishing trip with.

And of course, the Liberty factor is gonna be huge.

She is enormously popular with both

unmarried females 18 to 25 and the Evangelicals,

who's turn out on election day

is gonna be absolutely essential.

She's sweet, she's smart,

she's very, very sexy, frankly.

If I were Weston, I would let her do all the talking.

- And the president of Turkmenistan,

I think I can pronounce his first name,

but the second name, I st--

- You don't have to worry about any of that.

You're gonna be great.

Everybody loves you.

- But what if somebody asks me something

I don't know how to answer?

- Just listen.

♪ When you Meet the Press or Face the Nation

♪ There are some rules by which you always must abide

♪ If you follow these simple lessons

♪ You will make a strong impression

♪ And the pundits will come over to your side

♪ Stay on message

♪ Project confidence

♪ Say you think that Washington is rotten

♪ Just look relaxed

♪ But if a questioner attacks

♪ Digress until the question is forgotten

♪ You gotta keep it short

♪ And make it snappy

♪ Repeat it over and over like a rhyme

♪ Ideas that once seemed dense

♪ Will feel like common sense

♪ When they've heard it over 1500 times

♪ But if they press you for a statement

♪ And you're not sure it's okay

♪ Remember

♪ You never get in trouble

♪ For something you don't say

Think you've got it?

- I think so.

- Okay.

Let's try one.

Miss Smith, some have called you

the pretty face of ugly politics.

Your response.

- Um, I think ...

Can I get a hint?

- Pivot, remember?

Take the conversation from something

you don't want to talk about

to something you do want to talk about.

- But what should I talk about?

- Well, you can never go wrong with the four F's.

- The four F's?

- Faith, family, freedom, and fu ...

(music stops)

Mistakes by the opponent.

♪ You can use statistics

♪ As ballistics

♪ Drop them like a bomb to clear the air

♪ The facts are flexible

♪ Always selectable

♪ One person's foul is another person's fair

♪ You gotta thank God a lot

♪ And your parents

♪ Without them you'd have never made it

♪ Here - That's true.

♪ Talk about your grandma

♪ From down in Alabama

♪ Who works 18 hour days as a volunteer ♪

♪ But if they question your assumptions

♪ Or the picture you portray

♪ Remember

♪ You never get in trouble

♪ For something you don't say

- Does it ever bother you?

- What?

- You know, not telling the whole truth

- Nobody tells the whole truth.

♪ So don't say intervention, say

♪ Keeping peace

♪ Don't say occupation, say

- Permanent lease?

♪ Don't say dog-eat-dog, say

♪ Market forces

♪ Don't say exploited labor, say

♪ Human resources

- I think she's got it.

(tap dance swing music)

- Oh.

- Mmhmm, I can do that, too.

(giggles)

♪ And don't say global warming, say ♪

- This too shall pass.

♪ Don't say air pollution, say

- Prosperity gas?

♪ Don't say detention camp, say

♪ Enhanced cooperative

♪ Don't say we lied, say

♪ Previous statements are inoperative

♪ I'll stay on message ♪ Stick to those talking points

♪ Project confidence ♪ Keep your messaging

♪ Clear and confident

♪ Say I think that Washington is rotten

♪ I'll look relaxed

♪ Don't be afraid to show

♪ A hint of vulnerability ♪ And if a

♪ But when someone attacks you ♪ Questioner attacks

♪ Just hit back, don't let ♪ I'll distract

♪ Them get you with a gotcha ♪ Until the question

♪ And stall until ♪ Is forgotten

♪ The question is forgot

♪ And if I stumble on my answers

♪ And the pundits make me pay

♪ I'll remember

♪ You never get in trouble

♪ If you keep speaking double

♪ You never get in trouble

♪ For something you don't say

(laughing)

- [Nikki] Get out of my way.

- [Liberty] Whee!

(dramatic music)

- I can't get this without ...

Can I get a little help here?

- [Nikki] What's up?

- You know how to do this, right?

- Yeah.

- I just need you to ...

- Okay.

(laughing)

Uh, Miss Smith, this won't hurt a bit.

Alright, I think ...

We'll just go this way.

(Liberty giggles)

Well, you have to stand still.

- I can't help it I'm ticklish.

- [Voiceover] Girls, wrap it up. We've got one minute.

- Okay.

- Liberty.

Rolf Schnitzel.

Oh, sorry, didn't mean to walk in

on the dressing room there.

(both laughing)

- Hi.

Why don't you just scootch around here?

Yeah, so it's so great to have you here, finally.

I know we've been trying to get you on the show for

seems like a couple of months now.

- [Voiceover] And five, four ...

- And welcome back.

Joining me now, a face familiar to all of America,

Weston campaign surrogate, Miss Liberty Smith.

Welcome to The Briefing Room, Liberty.

- Thanks, Rolf.

I'm really delighted to be here.

- Now, Liberty, let's be honest.

Without you, Kenny Weston's campaign

would have been washed up a few months ago.

You gave him whole a new lease on life.

- (chuckles) That's very nice of you to say, Rolf,

but I really can't claim any credit.

Senator Weston is the one who's out there

every day fighting for ordinary Americans.

I'm just cheering from the sidelines.

- Well, I guess every candidate wishes he had

a cheerleader as pretty as you, then.

(both laughing)

Now, of course, we all know your father

is a well-respected pastor.

- But what our viewers might not know

is that your mother was a medical missionary

who traveled to some of the most dangerous parts

of the world in order to help those in need, until--

- That's right.

My mother was ...

- She was tragically--

- Yes, as a matter of fact,

that's why I am such a strong support of Senator Weston.

Senator Weston believes that America should take the lead

in (mumbles) ... creating a more peaceful world.

- Fascinating.

We're gonna take a short break,

but when we come back,

more intimate conversation

with America's political sweetheart, Miss Liberty Smith.

Stick around.

(dramatic music)

- You really think it was okay?

- Yeah, it was great.

It was perfect.

And nice pivot on that Mom question.

I'm glad you didn't let him push you around

and get too personal.

- [Yolanda] Hey girls!

- Hi Yolanda!

- I saw you from the green room.

You were fabulous.

- Well, that's only because of Nikki.

You wanna come to lunch with us?

- I wish I could, but I got a plane.

Dickler wants you back in Washington, too.

- Kenny needs debate prep, badly. (laughs)

Probably now until the election.

- But I thought she was gonna be with me the whole time.

- Don't worry about it.

You're doing great.

You don't need me anymore.

- That's not true.

I still need you.

I mean, your help.

I'm still not very good at all this.

- Hey, hey, why don't you come with us for a few days?

- What?

- Where?

- To Washington.

You could stay with me.

I have a whole empty house now.

- I wouldn't wanna impose, or--

- Not at all.

I'll give you your own key.

You can come and go

and Nikki can show you

around town between sessions, right Nik?

- [Nikki] Mmhmm.

- Nikki?

I'd love to, but are you sure it's okay?

- [Yolanda] Positive.

- Okay.

(car horns honking) (helicopters rumbling)

- Alright, Kenny, just relax, be yourself,

and the election is yours,

as long as you don't fuck up.

- I'm sure that really puts him at ease.

- Stay in character, Levine.

Alright, Kenny, let's try one.

Put on the glasses.

- Oh, the glasses, yeah.

Alright, okay, hit me.

I'm ready.

- Senator Weston.

Could you please outline your position on immigration?

Specifically, do you favor comprehensive

immigration reform and a path to citizenship?

- Immigration, okay.

Uh, that's a tough one, uh ...

Right, well Nikki--

- Rolf.

- Rolf, Rolf, right.

Well, Rolf, as you know,

America is a nation of immigrants.

My ancestors, my wife's grandparents, all came here,

legally, of course,

trying to make a better life for themselves

and for their children.

They left from wherever they were and came

to the Statue of Liberty, where our poor

and our hungry, our wretched refuse,

our tired, all huddled together.

Now, Julie's family worked

in the coal mines in Pennsylvania

and mine worked hard

on river boats up and down the Mississippi,

like you might see in Mark Twain or Huck Finn--

- What the _ó_ó_ are you talking about?

- Well, okay, you're making me nervous.

Just let me ...

Here, give me another one.

Let's start over again, okay?

(mumbles)

- Foreign policy.

- Senator Weston,

some in your party say that it's time

for America to scale back

its military commitments around the world.

They say we simply can no longer be the world's policeman

and they propose major cuts to the defense budget.

Where exactly do you stand on this issue?

- Well, I appreciate your question, Nikki.

- [Dick] Rolf! - Shit, Rolf!

Rolf,

as you know,

America is the greatest country in the world.

In fact, we always have been,

ever since we beat the Redcoats

in the American Revolution,

and I guess I'm just not ready to give that up.

You know, American workers are

the greatest workers in the world

and that's why everyone wants military hardware

that's from the United States, so,

if I am elected president,

I'll guarantee that every aircraft carrier,

every cruise missile, every jet fighter,

every surveillance drone across the world,

around the entire globe says,

Made in America,

not, Made in Japan or Guatemala.

- Kenny, did you memorize the talking points I gave you?

- Yes.

Which ones?

- All of them.

- [Kenny] Most of 'em.

- You have to memorize all of them

and all of the attack lines, too.

Absolutely no ad-libbing.

Just the script.

We can't rehearse until you know your lines.

- Well, I thought that last answer was pretty good.

- Alright, we're done for the day.

Kenny, I need to talk to you.

- Hey.

Where are you?

Okay.

(bouncy music)

(camera shutter clicks)

- "With malice toward none, with charity for all,

"with firmness in the right,

"as God gives us to see the right,

"let us strive on to finish the work we are in and that--"

(cell phone ringing)

- Hey, what's up?

- Oh, we're just leaving the Lincoln ... shit.

Shoot, totally forgot.

- [Yolanda] I figured you did.

Why don't you just head over now

and bring Libby with you?

We'll make it a trio.

- Bring her there?

- Bring me where?

- [Yolanda] Bring her to the bar.

- Yolanda invited me for drinks for my birthday.

Do you want to come?

(Liberty laughs)

We'll be there in 15.

(serene romantic music)

(background chatter)

- [Group] Surprise! (party horns blowing)

- What?

You sneaky bitch.

- I thought you'd never get here.

- Did you know about this?

(giggles)

Remind me to never trust you again.

- Hey, how are you?

Let me take your coat.

- [Liberty] Okay.

(sexy electronic dance music)

- [Waitress] What can I get you guys?

- Um, do you have, like, ginger ale?

- [Waitress] Yeah, sure.

- That sounds good, I'll have the same.

- [Waitress] Okay.

- So ...

How are you?

- Fine.

Fine, yeah.

Thanks, just fine.

Oh, I almost forgot, uh ...

I have a present for you.

- [Nikki] Oh, you didn't have to do that.

- Well, I was in the Supreme Court gift shop

and I saw this.

I thought of you right away.

- The Complete Opinions of Louis Brandeis.

- [Liberty] Yeah.

I hope you don't have it already.

- No, I don't have it.

- The dissent on Olmstead versus U.S.

is really incredible.

Anyway, I just thought, if you do end up going to law school,

you know, it might come in handy.

- I don't know anyone like you.

To you.

- Well, no, to us.

I mean, you know, to both of us.

Not just me.

Oh shoot!

Oh my gosh.

- [Nikki] You're all wet.

- Oh, uh ... I can do that by myself.

Thanks, um ...

Listen, I better ...

- I should drive you--

- No! - [Nikki] It's late.

- I mean, I'm fine.

I should really, I gotta catch my plane early tomorrow.

I should, uh ...

Thanks for a great gay -- day!

(pensive music)

♪ Oh love

(soft piano music)

♪ I dare not speak your name

♪ For if I speak your name

♪ You will hear my voice

♪ Trembling

♪ Oh love

♪ I dare not meet your gaze

♪ For if I meet your gaze

♪ You will see my eyes

♪ Wanting

♪ Then all

♪ Is lost

♪ All is lost

♪ Better not to see

♪ Better not to hear

♪ And never speak your name

♪ Oh love

♪ I dare not stand too near

♪ For if I stand too near

♪ You will feel my heart

♪ Beating

♪ Oh love

♪ I dare not see you smile

♪ For if I see you smile

♪ You will catch my soul

♪ Singing

♪ Then all

♪ Is lost

♪ But when I speak your name

♪ Is when I can believe

♪ There is another world

♪ And when you're all alone

♪ As I am all alone

♪ Do you ever speak my name?

♪ Do you ever

♪ Do you ever

♪ Speak

♪ My

♪ Name?

(camera shutter clicks)

(dramatic music)

- Well, they're calling it "Kissgate."

A campaign scandal that has rocked Washington

and put this election back up for grabs.

America's conservative sweetheart turns out to be

a lesbian.

Now, Democrats are calling flip-flop,

and Weston's socially conservative base is furious.

The big question now, of course,

what did Kenny Weston know

about Liberty's sexual preference,

and when did he know it?

(jackhammer echoing)

(horns honking)

- I'm really sorry, Kenny, I messed up.

- Well, maybe we--

- You messed up?

You fucked over our whole campaign

just so you could score a little more pussy.

- You shut your dirty mouth!

You can't talk to her like that!

- [Dick] Says who?

- Says me!

- Well, at the very least, it was incredibly unprofessional.

- I just wanted to say how sorry I am

for all the trouble I've caused.

I'm going away.

- Liberty, it's okay.

Just because your father's a bigot, doesn't--

- He's not a bigot!

- That's not what I meant to say --

- He's the kindest, most generous person I know.

If anybody's a bigot, it's you.

- What?

- You think anybody who believes in God

is stupid, or naive, or deluded or --

- I never said that.

- You didn't have to!

- Why are you taking this out on me?

I'm not the one ...

I love you.

- Oh please.

You don't even know what real love is.

It's about self sacrifice.

It's about doing things for others.

Doing the right thing, even if it's not the thing you want.

Giving up your own life for someone else's.

That's real love.

- No.

That's codependency.

There's a big difference.

- So you're saying Jesus was codependent?

I knew it.

- Liberty, wait a sec.

- Oh Lord, we ask you for the courage to change,

for we know if we come before you humbly,

and ask for forgiveness, we will be born anew.

Oh, yours is a wonderworking, transformative power,

a power to heal body and spirit.

We ask you to use your awesome power

to heal Liberty, who's suffering so, at this moment.

Oh Lord, we ask you to fill her afresh with the Holy Spirit,

and to make her clean again.

Thank you, Lord.

In Jesus name we pray, Amen.

- Amen.

- Honey, it's gonna be okay.

- [Liberty] I think praying made me feel even worse.

- But you're gonna be all better real soon.

The brochure says this place

has all the most modern treatments,

and a cure rate of over 90%.

Plus, with all those gay men there,

you know they're gonna have a terrific glee club.

- I think drinking is making me feel worse.

- It usually does.

You're definitely not a happy drunk.

- I shouldn't have kissed her.

- It's not like she didn't want to.

- No, maybe I just pushed her into it.

- I really think she'll come around.

Just be patient.

(Dramatic music from T.V.)

- And now, new developments

in the unfolding Kissgate scandal.

America's sweetheart, Liberty Smith

has checked into what sources close to the family

describe as a "gender reorientation facility."

Exclusive video of Liberty now as she enters the

Straight From the Heart Reparative Therapy Camp

outside of Lynchburg, Virginia.

- Motherfucker.

(melancholy piano music)

♪ Some say that losin'

♪ Makes a heart grow strong

♪ Some say, "You'll forget her

♪ Before too long."

♪ Some say, "You're better off."

♪ Some say, "It all depends."

♪ Some say it's "better to have loved and lost."

♪ But I say I never

♪ Will be lost in this love again

♪ Oh 'cause love

♪ Makes the wise ones foolish

♪ And do things

♪ That they should not do

♪ And love makes the foolish ones

♪ Think they're so wise

♪ That all of their dreams

♪ May come true

♪ I'm tired of the moonlight

♪ That shines in her hair

♪ I'm so done with dancin'

♪ In our perfect little pair

♪ Those sweet tender kisses

♪ That I wished would not end

♪ Some say it's better to have loved and lost

♪ But I say I never

♪ Will be lost in this love again

♪ Sometimes I get so lonely

♪ Sometimes I get so blue

♪ Sometimes I get so damned depressed

♪ That I can't see my way through

♪ But one things for certain

♪ I am staying on this track

♪ Unless she wants me still

♪ 'Cause I would gladly take her back

♪ What was I thinking

♪ What have I done

♪ Messed up my whole life

♪ I really thought she was the one

♪ I thought I found a lover

♪ But I lost my best friend

♪ Some say it's better to have loved and lost

♪ But I can't forget her

♪ I'll be lost in this love

♪ 'Til the end

- Well good morning, everybody.

Welcome back, um, I would like to begin

by introducing a new friend.

Say hello to Liberty.

- [Ladies] Hi, Liberty.

- Let me begin by saying how truly blessed we are

to have you with us today.

We know how difficult it can be to take that first step.

But I am living proof that change is possible.

Most of our graduates go on to lead happy

and productive lives

with attractive opposite sex partners.

Some become proud parents

and leaders of Fortune 500 companies.

Some even go on to become

important figures in the church.

So, let's get started.

♪ When God made Adam from (classical music)

♪ A dirty lump of clay

♪ He saw that it was good but not enough

♪ So he snatched a rib from Adam

♪ To fashion the first madam

♪ And that is why you girls and boys

♪ Are made from different stuff

♪ Why girls like symphonies

♪ And quilting bees, and pretty please

♪ And meeting girlfriends at the mall

♪ But most of all

♪ Most of all girls like boys

(women sighing passionately)

♪ And boys like hockey pucks

♪ And pickup trucks

♪ And 12-point bucks

♪ And getting drunk with all the guys

♪ So it's no surprise

♪ Most of all boys like girls

(men grunting)

♪ But occasionally (salsa music)

♪ We get confused

♪ The wires get crossed

♪ And the message is lost

♪ But when temptation calls

♪ We must refuse

♪'Cause if you give in to your nature

♪ You're bound to lose

Oh, come on now!

Boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl!

(classical piano music)

And one, two, three.

And, two, three.

♪ But occasionally (salsa music)

♪ We are perplexed

♪ We feel no effects from the opposite sex

♪ But when temptation calls

♪ We must refuse

♪ 'Cause if you give in to your nature

♪ You're bound to lose

♪ (Ladies) La di da yah, la di da yah

♪ La di da yah, la di da di da di da

♪ Di da di da

♪ La di di da di di yah da da da dah

♪ La di da yah, La di da yah

♪ La di da yah La di da di da di da

♪ Di da di da

♪ La la la la la la

(salsa music)

- That's right, men come on, dig deeper!

♪ And girls like

♪ Diamond rings

♪ And boys like

♪ Breaking things

♪ And girls like

♪ Picking roses

♪ And boys like

♪ Punching noses

♪ And girls like

♪ Baby dolls

♪ But most of all

♪ Most of all boys like girls

♪ And girls like

♪ Being flirty

♪ And boys like

♪ Getting dirty

♪ And girls like

♪ Cute and cuter

♪ And boys like

♪ Giant hooters

♪ And girls like

♪ Phone calls

♪ But most of all

♪ Most of all

♪ Boys like girls

♪ Girls like boys

♪ Boys like girls

♪ Girls like boys!!!

(departing footsteps)

Well! (door slams)

Well it isn't easy being normal.

(heavy breathing) (groaning)

(knocking on door)

- Come in.

Ah, Miss Jones.

What a pleasure to see you today!

- Can I talk to you for a moment?

- Well sure, come on in.

I'm sorry, the place usually isn't this bad.

Have a seat.

Can I get you something to drink?

Coffee or pop or juice?

- No, thanks.

- Well, you must be as overwhelmed

by this whole thing as I am.

- [Yolanda] Actually, I'm not with the campaign anymore.

- Oh.

- [Yolanda] Reverend Smith.

- (clears throat) It's J.J.

- I know you only want what you think is best for Liberty.

- Hey, it's not what I want, it's what God wants.

- Don't you think God wants Liberty to be happy?

- Uh, yeah, but sin can't make a person happy,

not in the long run.

- And loving someone, is that a sin?

- Oh, well ...

- I don't know if Libby ever told you,

but my father was a pastor.

- [JJ] I don't recall that she did.

- I grew up in the church.

There were five of us, and my oldest brother Jimmy,

he was an incredible singer as a young man.

Everybody said he had the most beautiful voice

they'd ever heard.

Until one day, my dad

found him with another boy from the choir.

Were they ...

- [Yolanda] Daddy was furious.

Said, no son of his was gonna be a "candy ass faggot."

Jimmy was so ashamed.

We didn't see him for years.

Didn't know if he was dead or alive.

- Well, what happened to him?

- He ran away to the city.

Lord knows what he had to do to survive in those days.

He was 16.

- Did you ever see him again?

- I did, couple times before he died.

He didn't look the same though.

And the saddest thing ...

- What?

- He never sang another note,

not one note.

Anointed by God with a beautiful voice,

and he never used it again.

I guess he felt like he didn't have much

to sing praise about.

♪ If your God is one (soulful gospel music)

♪ Who fills a child with fear

♪ And if your God is one

♪ Who commands but doesn't hear

♪ And if your God is one

♪ Who's certain and self righteous

♪ Then Mary never had a son

♪ There's no hope for anyone

♪ Jesus was an Atheist

♪ And so am I

- Now just wait a second, this is a house of God.

You can't just say that.

♪ If your God

♪ Is one

♪ Who clings to his opinions

♪ And if your God is one who

♪ Makes love feel like shame

♪ Tell me if your God is one

♪ Who hates the same things you do

♪ Oh

♪ There is no hill at Calvary

♪ The future's bleak as it can be

♪ Jesus was an Atheist

♪ So am I

♪ Oh so am I

♪ Ooh

♪ 'Cause how can love be wrong?

♪ It's not wrong!

♪ And how can hate be right?

♪ It's not right!

♪ How could an ever loving Father

♪ Cast a stone at his own children?

♪ It's not right, it's not right.

♪ But if your God

♪ Is one

♪ Who's filled with deep compassion

♪ And if your God is one

♪ Who feels another's pain

♪ And if your God is one

♪ Who sees the light in every face.

♪I'll sing praises in a song

♪ There's hope inside of everyone

♪ I know there is a God

♪ And God is love

♪ Oh my God is love

♪ Oh

♪ God is love, God is love

♪ Oh

(Choir) How can love be wrong?

♪ How can it be wrong? How can it be wrong?

♪(Choir) How can hate be right?

♪Ooo, how can it be right?

♪ How could a gentle Prince of Peace

♪ make a war on his own children?

♪ Oh, if your God

♪ Is one

♪ Who surpasses understanding

♪ And if your God is one

♪ Who's called by many names

♪ Love is patient, love is kind

♪ It's greater than the prophet's mind

♪ You can have the most unshaking faith

♪ But if you don't have love, it's all a waste

♪ Always feeling gratitude

♪ It holds no grudge and it does not brood

♪ You can have the most angelic voice

♪ But if you don't have love, it's all just noise

♪(Choir) My God is your God my God is love.

♪ My God is love, my God is love

♪ He is love, he is love

♪ My God is love

♪ He is love

♪(Choir) My God is your God my God is Love.

♪ My God, my God is love

♪ My God is

♪ Love

(winter wind blowing)

(mysterious dream music)

(echoing footsteps)

- Mom?

- You came out so beautifully.

- I still miss you, Mom.

- You know what you have to do.

- But what about Daddy?

- Oh, he'll get over it.

And, by the way, could you ask him to get over me?

I've moved on.

(running footsteps)

(birds chirping)

- [Voiceover] And five, four, three, two ...

- Senator Weston, thank you so much

for joining us here on The Briefing Room today.

- Well, it's my pleasure, Rolf.

- Let's get right to it.

The latest polls show that the general public,

and even a majority within your own party,

have an overwhelmingly favorable opinion

of the Liberty-Levine relationship

since their appearance on the Sunday talks last week.

In fact, many observers

attribute your sagging poll numbers

to your poor handling of the Kissgate scandal.

Would you consider revising your position

on their relationship

and on same-sex marriage, generally?

- Well, Rolf, as I have stated before,

I bear no personal animosity

toward Liberty or Miss Levine

or the homosexual people, as a people, generally.

In fact, I wish them all the happiness in the world.

I believe that America is all about freedom.

That's why my ancestors came here in the first place.

Well, they weren't gay, of course.

You know, if they were gay, I wouldn't even be here.

But, uh, you know, I don't even know

if they had gay people back then,

except maybe the cowboys.

Did you ever see that movie Humpback Mountain

about the fellers--

- So you still do not support same sex marriage?

- I didn't say that.

Did I?

(slow waltz music)

♪ Do you take this woman

♪ To have and to hold

♪ When she's frail and she's feeble

♪ When she's tired and old?

♪ I do

♪ But do you take this woman

♪ Beginning today

♪ Will you go where I'm going

♪ And stay where I stay

♪ I do

♪ And even though

♪ You see my imperfections

♪ Even though they say

♪ That lovers change

♪ Even though we never know

♪ What this life may bring

♪ I'll trust in you

♪ I'll trust you, too

♪ I'll stay with you

♪ I'll stay here, too

♪ As long as we both

♪ Shall live

♪ (Choir)Do you take this woman

♪ To honor and obey?

♪ When you know you're right and she is wrong

♪ Will you listen anyway?

♪ (Choir) Do you take this woman

♪ For rich and for poor?

♪ If she's recognized and famous

♪ Or quiet and obscure? And

♪ [Choir] Even though you see

♪ My imperfections

♪ Even though you see my imperfections

♪ (Choir) Even though they say

♪ That lovers change

♪ Even though they say that lovers change

♪ Even though we never know

♪ What this life may bring

♪ I'll trust in you

♪ I'll trust you too

♪ I promise you

♪ I promise too

♪ As long as we both shall live

♪ (Choir) Do you take this woman

♪ As your first and your last

♪ I'm still a bit inhibited

♪ I'm sure that that will pass

♪ (Choir) Do you take this woman

♪ To have and to hold?

♪ My mother's kind of crazy

♪ My father's

Well, you know.

♪(Choir) Do you take this woman

♪ To honor and obey?

♪ Sometimes I'm hyper-sensitive

♪ You're an artist, that's okay

♪ (Choir)Even though you see

♪ My imperfections

♪ Even though you see my imperfections

♪ (Choir) Even though they say

♪ That lovers change

♪ Even though they say that lovers change

♪ (choir)Even though we never know

♪ What this love may bring

♪ I'll trust in you

♪ I'll trust you too

♪ I'll stay with you

♪ I'll stay with you

♪ I promise you

♪ all your life

♪ I'll trust in you ♪ I'll trust in you

♪ I'll stay with you ♪ I'll stay with you

♪ As long as we both

♪ Shall live

♪ [Choir] As long as you both

♪ Shall

♪ Live

♪ Oh love

♪ I finally speak your name

♪ As long as we both

♪ Shall live

(applause)

(sound of breaking wine glass)

(cheering and applause)

(JJ) Doh!

(crowd laughing)

L'Chaim!

(Crowd) L'Chaim! (laughter, cheering, applause)

♪(Woman singing) I want a piece of your heart

♪ I don't need it forever

♪ Just want a piece of your heart ♪

♪ I want a piece of your heart

♪ I don't need every last bit

♪ Just want a place I can start

♪ To begin to come towards you

♪ Cross the river then the ocean

♪ To the place where you'll be waiting

♪ Where the time turns every table

♪ Over years this feeling won't fade away ♪

♪ Hey yeah

♪ I'll keep a piece of your heart

♪ Keep it safe if you let me

♪ A little piece of your heart

♪ Hold it close, hold it closer

♪ Give me a piece of your heart

♪ And I'll give what you ask me

♪ Just tell me where I can start

♪ I will climb any mountain

♪ Cross the river then the ocean

♪ To the place where you'll be waiting

♪ Where the time turns every table

♪ Over years this feeling won't fade away

♪ I just want a piece of

♪ Your heart

♪ I just want a piece of

♪ Your heart

♪ I just want a piece of

♪ Your heart

♪ I just want a piece of

♪ Your heart

♪ I just want a piece of

♪ Your heart

♪ I just want a piece of

♪ Your heart

♪ I just want a piece of

♪ Your heart

♪ I just want a piece of

♪ Your heart

♪ I just want a piece of

♪ Your heart

♪ I just want a piece of

♪ Your heart