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1
00:00:02,320 --> 00:00:05,001
"Last Man Standing" was recorded in
front of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,599 --> 00:00:08,802
Okay, what supreme court
justice do we want to retire?
3
00:00:08,869 --> 00:00:11,371
Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
4
00:00:11,439 --> 00:00:15,909
Nice, and what are the five justices
that we want to stay on forever?
5
00:00:15,976 --> 00:00:18,812
Don't tell me. I know this one.
6
00:00:18,879 --> 00:00:21,414
A little hint. Remember?
The star method... S.T.A.R.
7
00:00:21,482 --> 00:00:23,583
Who are the stars of the supreme court?
8
00:00:23,651 --> 00:00:26,920
Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and Roberts.
9
00:00:26,987 --> 00:00:30,089
Sometimes Kennedy when he
doesn't listen to the ladies,
10
00:00:30,157 --> 00:00:33,626
which is a trick you'll learn when
you get a little older, right?
11
00:00:33,694 --> 00:00:34,961
What is that up there?
12
00:00:35,029 --> 00:00:38,531
Grandpa, look out!
13
00:00:41,702 --> 00:00:43,636
Oh, man. Are you good? (Tires screech)
14
00:00:43,704 --> 00:00:45,344
(Sighs) Yes. It's
all good. It's all good.
15
00:00:45,372 --> 00:00:48,141
Hold on a second.
16
00:00:48,209 --> 00:00:49,809
Get back in there. Sit back down.
17
00:00:49,877 --> 00:00:52,345
Okay. Listen.
18
00:00:52,413 --> 00:00:54,347
Are you sure you're all right?
19
00:00:54,415 --> 00:00:58,017
Yes, except for when you
karate-chopped me in the chest.
20
00:00:58,085 --> 00:00:59,853
I had to keep your big
nugget from leaning forward.
21
00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:02,522
It might have tipped us right
into that big hole over there.
22
00:01:02,590 --> 00:01:05,525
That's a really big hole.
23
00:01:05,593 --> 00:01:07,026
It sure is. We fall in
there, we go right to China.
24
00:01:07,094 --> 00:01:09,629
I'd be a communist. You'd
be making sneakers somewhere.
25
00:01:09,697 --> 00:01:11,464
Hold on here a second.
26
00:01:11,532 --> 00:01:13,500
Woman: 911. What's your emergency?
27
00:01:13,567 --> 00:01:19,172
Uh... Well, we'd like to
report a... a missing highway.
28
00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:23,076
Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com
29
00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:28,014
(TV chatter) Oh, hey.
30
00:01:28,082 --> 00:01:30,016
They get to the report on the sinkhole yet?
31
00:01:30,084 --> 00:01:31,851
No. (Sighs) Still on the Middle East.
32
00:01:31,919 --> 00:01:35,655
Another part of the world where we're
kicking ass and taking names. (Chuckles)
33
00:01:35,723 --> 00:01:37,657
It's funny... one thing we
know about these terrorists,
34
00:01:37,725 --> 00:01:40,159
they sure love the monkey bars.
35
00:01:40,227 --> 00:01:42,362
Right here, right here, right here.
Right there. There's the sinkhole. Oh.
36
00:01:42,429 --> 00:01:43,530
Look at this thing.
37
00:01:43,597 --> 00:01:45,331
Oh, my God, it's huge. (Chuckling) Yeah.
38
00:01:45,399 --> 00:01:47,367
Honey, why didn't you
tell me how big it was?
39
00:01:47,434 --> 00:01:48,535
I didn't see it. My eyes were closed.
40
00:01:48,602 --> 00:01:50,737
I was screaming when I got up to it.
41
00:01:50,804 --> 00:01:54,474
That cover collapse is
pretty large for this area.
42
00:01:54,542 --> 00:01:57,510
I hope they've taken a montmorillonite
sample from the epikarst.
43
00:01:57,578 --> 00:01:59,746
We get it...
you're a geologist.
44
00:01:59,813 --> 00:02:02,415
And yet there's a 50/50 chance
she's making those terms up.
45
00:02:02,483 --> 00:02:03,850
- Oh, ha ha ha.
- We wouldn't know.
46
00:02:03,918 --> 00:02:06,185
Well, I'm glad you guys
didn't go flying off the edge
47
00:02:06,253 --> 00:02:07,353
like the end of "Thelma and Louise," dad.
48
00:02:07,421 --> 00:02:08,488
Phew!
49
00:02:08,556 --> 00:02:10,156
I actually cried at the end of that.
50
00:02:10,224 --> 00:02:14,193
What a shame what they did to that t-bird.
51
00:02:14,261 --> 00:02:16,629
I can't believe you're not
more shaken up about this.
52
00:02:16,697 --> 00:02:17,964
- I mean, look. You could have died.
- I know. I know.
53
00:02:18,032 --> 00:02:20,066
I'm kind of used to
cheating the old grim reaper.
54
00:02:20,134 --> 00:02:22,835
Remember that time I slipped
rock climbing in Chile,
55
00:02:22,903 --> 00:02:25,638
capsized that boat in those
class-4 rapids in Oregon,
56
00:02:25,706 --> 00:02:28,241
and rooting for the
Broncos at a bar in Oakland.
57
00:02:28,309 --> 00:02:30,243
- Mm.
- Well...
58
00:02:30,311 --> 00:02:33,112
I'll tell you, if it happened to me, I'd be
halfway through a bottle of wine right now.
59
00:02:33,180 --> 00:02:34,614
So, this happens to you
every night about 8:00?
60
00:02:34,682 --> 00:02:36,549
Oh, you know what?
61
00:02:36,617 --> 00:02:38,384
Hey, you want another chance
to cheat the reaper?
62
00:02:38,452 --> 00:02:39,886
- Why don't come at me after 8:00?
- Okay.
63
00:02:39,954 --> 00:02:41,688
You're a little wobbly. (Chuckles)
64
00:02:41,755 --> 00:02:45,191
I cannot believe the traffic
getting home from school today.
65
00:02:45,259 --> 00:02:47,126
Is president Obama in town again.
66
00:02:47,194 --> 00:02:50,964
No. That would be another kind of disaster.
67
00:02:51,031 --> 00:02:53,132
There was a sinkhole on route 93.
68
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:54,267
It's all over the news.
69
00:02:54,335 --> 00:02:55,602
The news? Yeah, sorry!
70
00:02:55,669 --> 00:02:57,937
If it's not trending on
Twitter, it doesn't exist.
71
00:02:58,005 --> 00:03:00,940
Oh, my God! Sinkhole in Denver.
72
00:03:01,008 --> 00:03:04,377
(Chuckles) Somebody made a funny vine of,
like, a truck flying in and out of it.
73
00:03:04,445 --> 00:03:06,212
It's right there. You can actually see it.
74
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:07,347
Boyd? Buddy?
75
00:03:07,414 --> 00:03:08,314
Mike, where's Boyd?
Oh, my God, is he...
76
00:03:08,382 --> 00:03:09,449
Mike: Guys, he's fine.
77
00:03:09,516 --> 00:03:11,818
Boyd, my baby! Thank God you're okay. Oh.
78
00:03:11,885 --> 00:03:14,153
Oh, mommy and daddy love you
very much, buddy. So much!
79
00:03:14,221 --> 00:03:16,942
Oh, this reminds me of that time I
almost got crushed by an anaconda.
80
00:03:18,158 --> 00:03:18,878
Grandpa saved me.
81
00:03:18,909 --> 00:03:19,789
- Oh, yeah?
- Good kid.
82
00:03:19,793 --> 00:03:21,728
- Go get your stuff, all right, buddy?
- Yeah.
83
00:03:21,795 --> 00:03:22,895
- Mike.
- Yeah.
84
00:03:22,963 --> 00:03:24,397
You saved my son's life today.
85
00:03:24,465 --> 00:03:25,732
Oh. Ohh! But why are you punishing me?
86
00:03:25,799 --> 00:03:26,959
Why do... why
this? Why this?
87
00:03:26,967 --> 00:03:28,735
Okay. Just accept it, okay? He's grateful.
88
00:03:28,802 --> 00:03:30,436
We both are.
89
00:03:30,504 --> 00:03:33,072
Oh, and, uh, Vanessa, we have
to thank you for today, too.
90
00:03:33,140 --> 00:03:34,841
Oh, well, that's nice,
but I wasn't even there.
91
00:03:34,908 --> 00:03:37,010
Oh, no, the reason that
Boyd was in any danger at all
92
00:03:37,077 --> 00:03:38,511
was because of people like you.
93
00:03:38,579 --> 00:03:40,246
Grandmothers?
94
00:03:40,314 --> 00:03:43,349
Ryan, what did we talk about
on the ride over here, huh?
95
00:03:43,417 --> 00:03:45,318
Uh, the fact that Paxon
Energy, your company,
96
00:03:45,386 --> 00:03:46,986
has been drilling all over that area,
97
00:03:47,054 --> 00:03:49,789
and there is mounting evidence
that fracking leads to sinkholes.
98
00:03:49,857 --> 00:03:53,065
(Sighs) But mostly, we talked
about you not bringing that up.
99
00:03:53,093 --> 00:03:55,461
Her company almost killed our son!
100
00:03:55,529 --> 00:03:56,529
- What?! Oh, come on!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
101
00:03:56,597 --> 00:03:59,332
Way out of line there, blaming
Paxon Oil for this or Vanessa.
102
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:00,867
Yeah, thank you.
103
00:04:00,934 --> 00:04:02,802
They never listen to her down there.
104
00:04:02,870 --> 00:04:06,839
You know, I actually do a little
better there than I do here.
105
00:04:06,907 --> 00:04:10,843
Look, Ryan, cover-collapse depressions
are naturally occurring events.
106
00:04:10,911 --> 00:04:12,612
They have existed forever.
107
00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:15,314
She's right, and before you crying
liberals got involved in it,
108
00:04:15,382 --> 00:04:17,984
that was just nature's...
free swimming pools.
109
00:04:18,052 --> 00:04:20,053
Okay, but sinkholes have
increased exponentially,
110
00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:21,654
and now they're opening up everywhere.
111
00:04:21,722 --> 00:04:24,424
No, no, you're confusing
sinkholes with weed stores.
112
00:04:25,392 --> 00:04:27,527
- Maybe we should talk about this later.
- Maybe.
113
00:04:27,594 --> 00:04:30,663
Or maybe Boyd should hear the truth about
the world that he is going to inherit.
114
00:04:30,731 --> 00:04:32,331
Why don't we hear your
version of the truth, Ryan?
115
00:04:32,399 --> 00:04:34,534
What... what do they call
it in Russia... pravda?
116
00:04:34,601 --> 00:04:38,871
Look, look, Ryan, there is no evidence
linking sinkholes to fracking.
117
00:04:38,939 --> 00:04:41,474
Sure, of course there's not because
you work for big energy...
118
00:04:41,483 --> 00:04:43,510
No! I just meant that... And they're
in the business of picking and
119
00:04:43,541 --> 00:04:45,135
choosing their science to
protect their profits.
120
00:04:45,279 --> 00:04:47,880
Where do you get your
science... Dr. Bill Maher?
121
00:04:47,948 --> 00:04:50,516
Where do you get your
science... Dr. Bill O'Reilly?
122
00:04:50,584 --> 00:04:51,751
Oh, you know what?
123
00:04:51,819 --> 00:04:52,919
Let's not turn this into
a Bill-measuring contest.
124
00:04:52,986 --> 00:04:54,220
Why don't we?
125
00:04:54,288 --> 00:04:55,555
'Cause my Bill is a lot
bigger than your Bill.
126
00:04:55,622 --> 00:04:56,923
Okay, honey...
127
00:04:56,990 --> 00:04:58,758
Why even argue, okay?
You can't settle anything.
128
00:04:58,826 --> 00:05:00,259
Everyone has their own set of facts
129
00:05:00,327 --> 00:05:02,807
and a cable channel to back up
the opinion that he already has.
130
00:05:02,830 --> 00:05:05,331
Okay? No wonder nobody knows
who's right and who's wrong.
131
00:05:05,399 --> 00:05:06,833
I know who's wrong
...he's wrong.
132
00:05:06,900 --> 00:05:08,801
Okay, well, what about
the other consequences
133
00:05:08,869 --> 00:05:10,436
of pumping chemicals into the earth?
134
00:05:10,504 --> 00:05:12,171
You mean like lighting
and heating our homes?
135
00:05:12,239 --> 00:05:13,673
- Uh, no, like earthquakes...
- Ryan...
136
00:05:13,741 --> 00:05:15,953
...methane released
into the atmosphere...
137
00:05:15,984 --> 00:05:16,806
Bird farts?
138
00:05:16,844 --> 00:05:19,512
Fire coming out of the
faucets like dragon's breath.
139
00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:21,714
"Fire out of the faucets"?
140
00:05:21,782 --> 00:05:23,742
Oh, no, honey. No, it's
fine. Don't listen to him.
141
00:05:23,751 --> 00:05:25,051
We should all be scared, Mike.
142
00:05:25,119 --> 00:05:26,519
Our world is a ticking time bomb.
143
00:05:26,587 --> 00:05:27,687
You're a ticking time bomb.
144
00:05:27,755 --> 00:05:29,155
Okay, all right. It's time to go home.
145
00:05:29,223 --> 00:05:30,389
Let's go, sweetie. I
don't want to go out there.
146
00:05:30,457 --> 00:05:33,693
- What if there's another sinkhole?
- Oh, no.
147
00:05:33,761 --> 00:05:34,951
Buddy, it is silly to be
scared of going outside, okay?
148
00:05:34,982 --> 00:05:35,391
Yeah, of course.
149
00:05:35,429 --> 00:05:38,044
Another sinkhole could just as easily
open up right here in this room.
150
00:05:38,098 --> 00:05:40,032
Ohh. What?
151
00:05:40,100 --> 00:05:44,771
Unbelievable. You just terrified our son.
152
00:05:44,838 --> 00:05:46,105
Hey, I got an idea...
why don't you go upstairs
153
00:05:46,173 --> 00:05:47,974
and tell him about the
monsters under his bed,
154
00:05:48,008 --> 00:05:50,209
'cause he's got to know
the truth, right, comrade?
155
00:06:06,435 --> 00:06:09,037
Thank you, sinkhole. (Smooches)
156
00:06:09,104 --> 00:06:12,807
Yes, there's nothing like a natural
disaster to bring out the preppies, huh?
157
00:06:12,875 --> 00:06:13,975
Preppers.
158
00:06:14,043 --> 00:06:15,743
Preppies wear cardigans around their neck.
159
00:06:15,811 --> 00:06:19,180
Preppers wear the goat they just
shot for meat around their neck.
160
00:06:19,248 --> 00:06:20,548
Either way, we're moving
161
00:06:20,616 --> 00:06:22,817
a lot of flashlights and survival food.
162
00:06:22,885 --> 00:06:24,419
I'm surprised you're not selling them guns.
163
00:06:24,486 --> 00:06:26,854
What good's a flashlight when the
hordes are banging down your door
164
00:06:26,922 --> 00:06:30,191
to get your freeze-dried...
"Kiwi compote"?
165
00:06:30,259 --> 00:06:32,994
You've got a well-stocked shelter
in your basement, don't you, Mike?
166
00:06:33,062 --> 00:06:35,363
Oh, don't even think about it, man.
167
00:06:35,431 --> 00:06:37,031
You're a good friend of
mine, but when the end comes,
168
00:06:37,099 --> 00:06:40,335
you're just 160 pounds of protein to me.
169
00:06:40,402 --> 00:06:44,005
Well, we're, uh, both
on the same page then.
170
00:06:44,073 --> 00:06:45,406
(Clears throat)
171
00:06:45,474 --> 00:06:47,342
Listen, people are just
overreacting to this stuff.
172
00:06:47,409 --> 00:06:49,677
It's a sinkhole. It's not the end of time.
173
00:06:49,745 --> 00:06:53,548
Nope. My pastor told us that's
gonna happen on march 13th.
174
00:06:53,615 --> 00:06:56,617
March 13th? That means we
avoid paying taxes in April!
175
00:06:56,685 --> 00:06:58,152
Get your congregation over here.
176
00:06:58,220 --> 00:06:59,887
I'll get them through the apocalypse.
177
00:06:59,955 --> 00:07:04,892
And with this water purifier, they
can drink their own pee, hmm?
178
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:08,396
Or river water or lake water.
179
00:07:08,464 --> 00:07:11,899
But by all means, use the
pee as a selling point.
180
00:07:11,967 --> 00:07:14,736
This is just fear-mongering, and
I don't appreciate it, you know?
181
00:07:14,803 --> 00:07:16,337
Boyd's dad was over last night,
182
00:07:16,405 --> 00:07:18,940
got the kid all whipped up
over some environmental stuff.
183
00:07:19,007 --> 00:07:21,709
The kid wouldn't leave my house.
Slept at the foot of my bed.
184
00:07:21,777 --> 00:07:23,845
No, you can't indulge
your child in those fears.
185
00:07:23,912 --> 00:07:25,012
It's no big deal. It actually worked out.
186
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:29,417
He was warm down there, and my wife's
feet are like the polar ice caps.
187
00:07:29,485 --> 00:07:31,419
Which scientists say
are melting. (Chuckles)
188
00:07:31,487 --> 00:07:33,755
I accidentally clicked
a link on global warming.
189
00:07:33,822 --> 00:07:36,691
I thought it said "gerbil warming."
190
00:07:36,759 --> 00:07:40,194
What's the scientists'
position on gerbil warming?
191
00:07:40,262 --> 00:07:41,362
(Sighs)
192
00:07:41,430 --> 00:07:44,699
Those websites are disturbing.
193
00:07:44,767 --> 00:07:46,608
There's got to be better
ways to warm a gerbil.
194
00:07:49,171 --> 00:07:52,440
In my day, kids were
not allowed to be afraid.
195
00:07:52,508 --> 00:07:54,942
I remember once I told my
dad I was scared of lightning.
196
00:07:55,010 --> 00:07:59,113
Right. Yeah, next time there was a storm,
he made me stand in the backyard...
197
00:07:59,181 --> 00:08:01,682
Wrapped in tin foil.
198
00:08:03,152 --> 00:08:05,787
The rest of the story's
a little fuzzy, but...
199
00:08:05,854 --> 00:08:09,424
I think we found another
way to warm up a gerbil.
200
00:08:12,861 --> 00:08:15,797
(TV chatter)
201
00:08:15,864 --> 00:08:18,366
Didn't you already watch this episode?
202
00:08:18,434 --> 00:08:21,035
It's the news.
203
00:08:21,103 --> 00:08:23,137
It's different every night.
204
00:08:23,205 --> 00:08:25,440
Sad places, sad people...
looks like a rerun to me.
205
00:08:25,507 --> 00:08:26,874
(Chuckles)
206
00:08:26,942 --> 00:08:29,944
Well, stick around. You'll
learn something about the world.
207
00:08:30,012 --> 00:08:31,279
I know all about the world.
208
00:08:31,346 --> 00:08:36,884
I was already in it while you were still
busy ruining mom's body. (Chuckles)
209
00:08:36,952 --> 00:08:39,320
Um... Who's the secretary of state?
210
00:08:39,388 --> 00:08:40,822
Oh, that's a trick question.
211
00:08:40,889 --> 00:08:42,290
Which state? (Smacks lips)
212
00:08:43,459 --> 00:08:47,395
See, you guys all watch the news,
you get all angry and stressed-out.
213
00:08:47,463 --> 00:08:49,664
Pop quiz... of
everybody in this family,
214
00:08:49,731 --> 00:08:51,766
who's the happiest and the least stressed?
215
00:08:52,968 --> 00:08:54,035
And you can't say the dog.
216
00:08:55,671 --> 00:08:56,938
Mm-hmm. It's me.
217
00:08:57,005 --> 00:09:00,608
This face will never see a worry
wrinkle, which would make me smile,
218
00:09:00,676 --> 00:09:04,145
but I'm not going to
because, duh, smile lines.
219
00:09:04,213 --> 00:09:07,648
So, your plan is to be clueless?
220
00:09:07,716 --> 00:09:11,486
"Ignorance is bliss"... Thomas Gray
221
00:09:11,553 --> 00:09:14,522
in his "ode on a distant
prospect of eton college."
222
00:09:14,590 --> 00:09:18,559
You get those quote-of-the-day
e-mails, don't you?
223
00:09:18,627 --> 00:09:21,329
If you know the right things, you
don't have to know everything.
224
00:09:21,396 --> 00:09:23,664
Oh, for instance, that
whole, like, secretary thingy,
225
00:09:23,732 --> 00:09:26,167
they actually don't call
them secretaries anymore.
226
00:09:26,235 --> 00:09:28,669
They really prefer "flight
attendant." Just saying.
227
00:09:28,737 --> 00:09:30,004
Hey, buddy.
228
00:09:30,072 --> 00:09:31,939
No!
229
00:09:34,776 --> 00:09:37,044
Boyd! Where... where's Boyd?
230
00:09:37,112 --> 00:09:41,048
Something short and
half-naked just ran downstairs.
231
00:09:41,116 --> 00:09:44,886
Mandy's here, so... I guess it was Boyd.
232
00:09:44,953 --> 00:09:47,021
(Sighs)
233
00:09:47,089 --> 00:09:49,824
I told him I'd run him a
bath, but then he got scared
234
00:09:49,892 --> 00:09:51,192
that dragon fire would
come out of the faucet.
235
00:09:51,260 --> 00:09:54,128
I'm sorry. Is that actually a thing?
236
00:09:54,196 --> 00:09:58,366
'Cause I would frown, but that's
even worse than smile lines, so...
237
00:10:00,869 --> 00:10:04,472
Boyd! Hey, come on! Let me in!
238
00:10:04,540 --> 00:10:05,806
This isn't safe.
239
00:10:05,874 --> 00:10:11,646
Boyd: Grandpa said the bomb shelter's
the safest place in the house!
240
00:10:11,713 --> 00:10:13,648
Honey, please. Please let me in.
241
00:10:13,715 --> 00:10:16,851
Grandpa also said people
would beg to be let in.
242
00:10:17,953 --> 00:10:19,220
Kid's got a point.
243
00:10:19,288 --> 00:10:22,890
Joe Biden wishes his
bunker was as nice as ours.
244
00:10:22,958 --> 00:10:24,892
That's the vice president, Mandy. Mm.
245
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,495
Okay. I know who Joe Biden is, okay?
246
00:10:27,563 --> 00:10:31,332
He's Barack Obama's Gayle.
247
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:34,001
Mom (scoffs) all of my
sewing stuff is in there.
248
00:10:34,069 --> 00:10:35,670
How am I supposed to make my clothes?
249
00:10:35,737 --> 00:10:37,738
Hey! Don't touch any of my stuff!
250
00:10:37,806 --> 00:10:39,440
Let's not panic, okay?
251
00:10:39,508 --> 00:10:41,609
Yeah, somehow, we'll
all have to pull together
252
00:10:41,677 --> 00:10:45,146
and survive the great
romper famine of 2014.
253
00:10:45,213 --> 00:10:46,981
Look, he'll get hungry and cold.
254
00:10:47,049 --> 00:10:48,616
Sooner or later, he'll open the door.
255
00:10:48,684 --> 00:10:50,017
Mm, I don't know.
256
00:10:50,085 --> 00:10:51,986
There's enough fabric and
freeze-dried food in there
257
00:10:52,054 --> 00:10:53,895
to keep him warm and fed
through middle school.
258
00:10:56,058 --> 00:10:59,927
Great... he's gonna go through puberty,
and I have mannequins in there.
259
00:10:59,995 --> 00:11:01,729
What?
260
00:11:04,499 --> 00:11:07,268
Whoa, don't you look good?
261
00:11:07,336 --> 00:11:09,103
Ah, yeah, thank you.
262
00:11:09,171 --> 00:11:10,705
(Chuckles) Hi, honey.
263
00:11:10,772 --> 00:11:13,874
I was actually talking to the cookies.
264
00:11:13,942 --> 00:11:15,810
They're for Boyd.
265
00:11:15,877 --> 00:11:17,578
Ooh. Why is Boyd still here?
266
00:11:17,646 --> 00:11:20,414
Well, he spent the day
locked in the bomb shelter.
267
00:11:20,482 --> 00:11:23,618
Somebody told him it's the
safest place in the house.
268
00:11:23,685 --> 00:11:26,120
Well, why didn't you just go get him?
269
00:11:26,188 --> 00:11:27,288
Well, I'm working on it.
270
00:11:27,356 --> 00:11:29,957
I was hoping to draw him out with
the smell of freshly baked cookies.
271
00:11:30,025 --> 00:11:33,961
That's how they lured Saddam
Hussein out of that spider hole.
272
00:11:35,330 --> 00:11:37,231
I'll go get him.
273
00:11:37,299 --> 00:11:38,599
Well, I don't think there's any hurry.
274
00:11:38,667 --> 00:11:40,627
The scratching on the door
stopped 20 minutes ago.
275
00:11:43,538 --> 00:11:45,640
Hey, you're wasting your time.
276
00:11:45,707 --> 00:11:48,309
I have been asking him
to open that door all day.
277
00:11:48,377 --> 00:11:49,577
Boyd, open the door.
278
00:11:52,673 --> 00:11:54,553
Yeah, he probably smelled
cookie on your breath.
279
00:11:54,583 --> 00:11:56,651
Come on out of there.
280
00:11:56,718 --> 00:11:57,985
Don't make me drag you up the stairs.
281
00:11:58,053 --> 00:11:59,787
Why? Does your back hurt again?
282
00:11:59,855 --> 00:12:00,988
Yeah. It's 6:00... everything hurts.
283
00:12:01,056 --> 00:12:02,256
So, get out of there. Come on.
284
00:12:03,659 --> 00:12:04,892
What do got on?
285
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,895
There was a bunch of them. It was cold.
286
00:12:07,963 --> 00:12:09,430
Does it look stupid?
287
00:12:09,498 --> 00:12:11,339
I think you were pretty
smart to stay in there.
288
00:12:12,434 --> 00:12:15,369
Your mom and dad miss you.
They want you to come home.
289
00:12:15,437 --> 00:12:17,505
But I don't want to go
home. It's safe here.
290
00:12:17,572 --> 00:12:19,292
"It's safe here."
Why do you keep saying...
291
00:12:19,341 --> 00:12:22,943
Look, I got to be honest with you, kid.
The world's a scary place, you know?
292
00:12:23,011 --> 00:12:25,780
I'd like to tell you a story
about me mountain-climbing.
293
00:12:25,847 --> 00:12:27,581
But it's probably too scary. I
don't think I should tell him.
294
00:12:27,649 --> 00:12:28,916
Oh, I don't know. It's pretty unbelievable.
295
00:12:28,984 --> 00:12:30,251
Yeah, I don't think I should tell him.
296
00:12:30,318 --> 00:12:32,520
Gets more unbelievable
every time you tell it.
297
00:12:32,587 --> 00:12:34,655
I'm not gonna tell him.
I'm not gonna tell him.
298
00:12:34,723 --> 00:12:36,390
I want to hear
it. Ple-e-e-ase?
299
00:12:36,458 --> 00:12:37,725
No, I can't. I can't.
All right, I'll tell you.
300
00:12:37,793 --> 00:12:40,728
Listen, I was climbing one
time in the Adirondacks,
301
00:12:40,796 --> 00:12:42,730
and they had this rock
face, and I was climbing.
302
00:12:42,798 --> 00:12:44,899
Well, the guy didn't have
me, and I started falling.
303
00:12:44,966 --> 00:12:45,966
Whoa.
304
00:12:46,034 --> 00:12:47,802
Whoa? It's more like... (screams)
305
00:12:47,869 --> 00:12:51,305
And then I got slammed down
on this ledge, saved my life.
306
00:12:51,373 --> 00:12:53,741
Wow! You were really lucky.
307
00:12:53,809 --> 00:12:56,744
Yeah, a lot luckier than
the bald eagle I landed on.
308
00:12:56,812 --> 00:12:58,746
Bald eagle?
309
00:12:58,814 --> 00:13:00,281
What happened to the sparrow?
310
00:13:00,348 --> 00:13:02,483
The bald eagle had eaten the sparrow.
311
00:13:02,551 --> 00:13:04,218
Oh.
312
00:13:04,286 --> 00:13:06,987
Point is, I wasn't just lucky.
313
00:13:07,055 --> 00:13:09,223
God is looking out for us.
314
00:13:09,291 --> 00:13:11,358
Mm-hmm. Yeah, just like at the sinkhole.
315
00:13:11,426 --> 00:13:12,927
Remember? Is that true, grandma?
316
00:13:12,994 --> 00:13:14,295
Of course it's true.
317
00:13:14,362 --> 00:13:15,763
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a
scientist. That's a fact.
318
00:13:15,831 --> 00:13:18,566
Okay? Now, let's go on and take you home.
319
00:13:18,633 --> 00:13:21,402
Okay, grandpa. You can take me home.
320
00:13:21,470 --> 00:13:23,738
(Chuckles) Should I change?
321
00:13:23,805 --> 00:13:26,040
I think you need something
to pull the outfit together.
322
00:13:26,108 --> 00:13:28,042
Otherwise, you go in a different direction.
323
00:13:28,110 --> 00:13:31,645
Okay, come on. Let's go.
Let's get in something right.
324
00:13:31,713 --> 00:13:34,582
Now go upstairs and change into
some real clothes, all right?
325
00:13:34,649 --> 00:13:36,584
So, first it was a sparrow,
then it was an eagle.
326
00:13:36,651 --> 00:13:38,492
What are you gonna land
on next... an ostrich?
327
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:41,741
You know, I was thinking I'd slip off
an ice cliff right onto a harp seal.
328
00:13:41,757 --> 00:13:42,990
Okay.
329
00:13:43,058 --> 00:13:44,458
Hey.
330
00:13:44,526 --> 00:13:45,459
Oh, hi.
331
00:13:45,527 --> 00:13:46,927
Has, uh, Boyd calmed down.
332
00:13:46,995 --> 00:13:48,229
(Chuckles sarcastically)
333
00:13:48,296 --> 00:13:50,531
Uh, well, he did spend the
day hiding in the basement.
334
00:13:50,599 --> 00:13:52,867
Okay. Did he come out?
335
00:13:52,934 --> 00:13:56,270
Well, you keep taking that kid to the
ballet, it's just a matter of time.
336
00:13:57,672 --> 00:13:59,707
He's upstairs getting changed.
337
00:13:59,775 --> 00:14:00,775
Thank you very much.
338
00:14:00,842 --> 00:14:02,042
What did you say to get him out of there?
339
00:14:02,110 --> 00:14:04,445
Well, facts didn't work,
so we tried a little faith.
340
00:14:04,513 --> 00:14:07,281
More of your bogus "God is
watching over us" fairy tale?
341
00:14:07,349 --> 00:14:10,217
You mean the basis of Western
civilization... that fairy tale?
342
00:14:11,753 --> 00:14:14,088
The rest of the family's gonna
miss you up in heaven, Ryan.
343
00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:18,425
Uh, your dad's gonna take you home, okay?
344
00:14:18,493 --> 00:14:19,827
Hey, buddy, I'm gonna
take you home, all right?
345
00:14:19,895 --> 00:14:22,196
I thought grandpa was gonna take me.
346
00:14:22,264 --> 00:14:23,464
No, you're just gonna come with me.
347
00:14:23,532 --> 00:14:26,567
Then I'm staying here, with
grandpa where it's safe.
348
00:14:26,635 --> 00:14:28,369
Buddy, you are safe with me.
349
00:14:28,436 --> 00:14:30,037
You're safe with him. You'll be all right.
350
00:14:30,105 --> 00:14:33,073
Is God watching over you, too?
351
00:14:34,576 --> 00:14:38,312
Well, I don't believe in an
anthropomorphic deity, per se.
352
00:14:38,380 --> 00:14:41,749
I recognize a more universal,
spiritual connectivity.
353
00:14:41,817 --> 00:14:44,018
Then I'm staying here with grandpa and God!
354
00:14:44,085 --> 00:14:46,821
Boyd! Hey! Hey!
355
00:14:46,888 --> 00:14:50,724
All right. What was I supposed
to do... lie to the kid?
356
00:14:50,792 --> 00:14:55,029
No, I think you handled that perfectly.
357
00:14:55,096 --> 00:14:57,965
See? Lying is easy.
358
00:15:05,756 --> 00:15:07,657
Mike: Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
359
00:15:07,724 --> 00:15:12,328
President Richard Nixon once said,
"people react to fear, not love."
360
00:15:12,396 --> 00:15:15,398
Easy for him to say because he was
kind of scary and nobody loved him.
361
00:15:15,465 --> 00:15:19,199
But Nixon's right... to get people to do
what you want, scare the heck out of them.
362
00:15:19,403 --> 00:15:22,505
For example, have a bunch of
scientists convince everyone
363
00:15:22,572 --> 00:15:24,840
the world's climate is changing.
364
00:15:24,908 --> 00:15:28,177
Now, we used to call that the seasons.
365
00:15:28,245 --> 00:15:30,846
Thank you, Al Gore, not
for your inconvenient truth
366
00:15:30,914 --> 00:15:35,017
but for your convenient fib
that you created the Internet?
367
00:15:35,085 --> 00:15:36,018
Wow.
368
00:15:36,086 --> 00:15:39,188
The greatest device in history
for spreading fear, half-truths,
369
00:15:39,289 --> 00:15:41,023
and videos of cats attacking toddlers.
370
00:15:41,091 --> 00:15:43,359
(Baby cries, cat hisses)
371
00:15:43,427 --> 00:15:45,194
Years ago, if a guy put on a robe
372
00:15:45,262 --> 00:15:49,198
and stood on a street corner with
a sign saying, "the end is near,"
373
00:15:49,266 --> 00:15:51,167
it was easy to just say he was bananas.
374
00:15:51,234 --> 00:15:52,601
Well, now that same dude
375
00:15:52,669 --> 00:15:54,789
can hide behind a slick
website in his mom's basement.
376
00:15:54,838 --> 00:15:58,941
And as far as we know,
he's Walter cronkite.
377
00:15:59,009 --> 00:16:00,176
I have an idea...
378
00:16:00,243 --> 00:16:01,677
Let's stop believing the fear-mongers.
379
00:16:01,745 --> 00:16:03,179
Maybe Nixon was wrong.
380
00:16:03,246 --> 00:16:06,515
Maybe people can be motivated by love.
381
00:16:06,583 --> 00:16:11,987
And I bet you will love saving
20% off a sonar fish finder.
382
00:16:12,055 --> 00:16:13,989
I don't want to spread any fear here.
383
00:16:14,057 --> 00:16:18,961
But if you're a trout, this thing
does mean the end is near.
384
00:16:20,630 --> 00:16:21,897
Hey, Mr. B.
385
00:16:21,965 --> 00:16:24,734
You know, the more I hear
you talk about Richard Nixon,
386
00:16:24,801 --> 00:16:27,136
the more I think history
has given him a raw deal.
387
00:16:27,204 --> 00:16:29,405
He opened China.
388
00:16:29,473 --> 00:16:30,539
(Knock on door)
389
00:16:30,607 --> 00:16:34,243
Mike, we made a fortune this
weekend from those preppers.
390
00:16:34,311 --> 00:16:35,311
We should pray for another sink...
391
00:16:35,378 --> 00:16:37,613
Ah! Sink, sink, sink...
392
00:16:37,681 --> 00:16:40,616
Ah, sink in the bathroom
so we can wash our hands.
393
00:16:40,684 --> 00:16:41,784
You should be careful.
394
00:16:41,852 --> 00:16:43,552
Sometimes fire comes out of those.
395
00:16:45,455 --> 00:16:47,523
Thanks, kid. Mike, can I
talk to you for a second?
396
00:16:49,860 --> 00:16:53,195
Hey, grandpa, what's black
and white and red all over?
397
00:16:53,263 --> 00:16:54,363
Uh, uh, just a whole bunch of things.
398
00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:56,699
None of them are funny, okay?
399
00:16:58,368 --> 00:16:59,635
What? What's up?
400
00:16:59,703 --> 00:17:02,805
What's the big-headed kid doing here?
401
00:17:02,873 --> 00:17:04,373
He feels safe with me.
402
00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:06,876
Evidently, I'm... buddies with God.
403
00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:08,943
Mm-hmm. Well, I told you
how to handle Boyd, right?
404
00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:13,349
You got to send the kid out in
the storm wrapped in tin foil.
405
00:17:13,416 --> 00:17:16,852
Yeah, I was gonna do that.
And then I realised I'm not crazy.
406
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:20,189
Look, I almost had him convinced to go
home, and then his dad blew it.
407
00:17:20,257 --> 00:17:22,958
So I get to hear the same
joke 80 times in a day.
408
00:17:23,026 --> 00:17:25,327
You got to send the kid packing.
409
00:17:25,395 --> 00:17:26,662
He's got to know you're tough.
410
00:17:26,730 --> 00:17:28,063
He knows I'm tough.
411
00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:30,800
It's his parents that have got
to learn to stand up to this.
412
00:17:30,867 --> 00:17:32,635
You know, you should show
Boyd a newspaper sometime.
413
00:17:32,702 --> 00:17:34,703
(Chuckles) The kid
thinks they're red all over.
414
00:17:40,911 --> 00:17:42,178
Vanessa!
415
00:17:42,245 --> 00:17:43,412
Got called into work.
416
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,314
Oh.
417
00:17:45,382 --> 00:17:46,348
I got a riddle...
418
00:17:46,416 --> 00:17:48,884
What's 4'4" and making me dinner?
419
00:17:48,952 --> 00:17:50,019
Me?
420
00:17:50,086 --> 00:17:51,220
That's right.
421
00:17:51,288 --> 00:17:53,989
Head on into the pantry
and grab any kind of can
422
00:17:54,057 --> 00:17:56,458
as long as it doesn't
have a dog's picture on it.
423
00:17:58,287 --> 00:18:00,367
The runt's still following
you around everywhere, pa?
424
00:18:00,397 --> 00:18:03,232
You know, I used to think it'd
be fun having a pet monkey.
425
00:18:04,768 --> 00:18:07,870
Now I think different.
426
00:18:07,938 --> 00:18:09,772
Oh, thank God you're here.
427
00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,207
You got to take Boyd off my hands.
428
00:18:11,274 --> 00:18:12,708
Mike, he does not want to come with me,
429
00:18:12,776 --> 00:18:14,043
so why don't we just put him in your car
430
00:18:14,110 --> 00:18:15,544
and you can follow me to the apartment?
431
00:18:15,612 --> 00:18:19,094
Because he won't leave me alone and
I don't want to move in with you.
432
00:18:19,149 --> 00:18:22,051
You think I like him spending
this much time with you?
433
00:18:22,118 --> 00:18:23,886
You just got to make
the kid feel safe somehow.
434
00:18:23,954 --> 00:18:25,221
Good luck with that, Sally.
435
00:18:25,288 --> 00:18:27,356
She's showing you no respect right now.
436
00:18:27,424 --> 00:18:29,225
Boyd doesn't respect you, either.
437
00:18:29,292 --> 00:18:30,426
Boyd does respect me.
438
00:18:30,493 --> 00:18:31,794
Not as someone who can protect him.
439
00:18:31,862 --> 00:18:33,362
You got to be bigger than his fears, okay?
440
00:18:33,430 --> 00:18:35,531
Mm, that's a tall order for you, Mary.
441
00:18:35,599 --> 00:18:38,868
I get it... you're calling
me different girl names.
442
00:18:38,935 --> 00:18:40,169
You're catching on, peaches.
443
00:18:41,838 --> 00:18:44,773
Mike, false machismo is not
gonna make him feel any safer.
444
00:18:44,841 --> 00:18:47,201
Well, real machismo would be
better, but we get what we get.
445
00:18:48,812 --> 00:18:51,580
You scared Boyd with something
that he can't control,
446
00:18:51,648 --> 00:18:53,549
and you told him that no one
up there's looking out for him.
447
00:18:53,617 --> 00:18:57,586
That left you, which actually
left me, and I am tired!
448
00:18:57,654 --> 00:18:59,154
I don't know how to do
what you're asking me to do.
449
00:18:59,222 --> 00:19:01,056
I'm asking you to be a parent.
450
00:19:01,124 --> 00:19:02,958
- I am being a parent. If you don't...
- Okay. Where is he, huh?
451
00:19:03,026 --> 00:19:03,993
Kitchen.
452
00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:05,127
Boyd, enough of this already.
453
00:19:05,195 --> 00:19:06,462
You've got school tomorrow.
454
00:19:06,529 --> 00:19:07,796
Boyd: Mommy, I don't want to go home!
455
00:19:07,864 --> 00:19:10,099
That's too bad, okay?
456
00:19:10,166 --> 00:19:12,935
I am the mom. No more discussion.
457
00:19:13,003 --> 00:19:14,270
Grandpa, help me!
458
00:19:14,337 --> 00:19:15,638
I can't... I can't help you.
459
00:19:15,705 --> 00:19:19,842
My back hurts. It's 6:30 now.
460
00:19:19,910 --> 00:19:22,077
Oh, I'm guessing that should have been me?
461
00:19:22,145 --> 00:19:23,986
Yeah, except I don't
think she could carry you.
462
00:19:26,549 --> 00:19:30,653
That guy's a joke.
463
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,154
Speaking of jokes...
464
00:19:32,222 --> 00:19:35,357
What is 5'4" and making my dinner?
465
00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:36,392
The guy at Domino's.
466
00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:47,168
Why can't the people in the
Middle East keep it together?
467
00:19:47,236 --> 00:19:51,906
Why can't Taylor Swift
hold on to a boyfriend?
468
00:19:54,176 --> 00:19:57,111
Why can't North Korea join the
rest of the world community?
469
00:19:57,179 --> 00:20:01,048
Why can't Courtney Cox join
the "Friends" cast reunion?
470
00:20:01,116 --> 00:20:05,186
Why can't Putin keep his shirt on?
471
00:20:05,254 --> 00:20:06,754
(Giggles)
472
00:20:06,822 --> 00:20:09,724
Why can't Channing Tatum keep his shirt on?
473
00:20:09,791 --> 00:20:13,194
Unh-unh-unh-unh.
474
00:20:13,262 --> 00:20:14,795
Who knows what's really important?
475
00:20:14,863 --> 00:20:15,662
You do.
38287
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