Original subtitles

Back up! Back up!

Fans, it's the bottom of the ninth, and the bases are loaded.

And guess who the orphans have at bat!

That's right. It's the home-run queen herself.

The Belter from the Shelter, Miss--

Amanda Lemmon!

-What? -I'm going to kill you!

Didn't I tell you not to play in that dress?

Come on, Diane! I ain’t going to hurt it.

It's time for your interview. Drop the bat. Let's go!

Just let me smash this ball downtown, okay?

All right, you got 1 0 seconds.

Otherwise, the game is going to be called on account of bloodshed!

Come on, Frankie, I got to go to Staten Island.

Staten Island? What about camp?

You'll miss the bus!

I won't. It's just a look-see.

They’re trying to place you with the Butkises?!

So what if they are?

You ever met those people? That family collects kids.

They’ll take anybody.

Even rejects like you.

Shut up, Frankie! At least I got an interview.

And Amanda Butkis steps to the plate.

-Come on. Hop in. -It was a grand slam!

See if they want a little boy!

Me and her. Two for one.

What am I, on sale?

Get your own!

Staten Island, please.

You're out. We win!

Amanda didn't touch home plate!

You're a dead man, Frankie!

Okay, so...

...it's not Park Avenue.

You can't judge a book by the cover.

You don't want to be an orphan forever.

-So adopt me, why don't you? -They won't let me, on my salary.

Besides that, you deserve a mother and a father.

So get a husband!

It's not like buying a car, you know!

I know. It's got to be that "Can't eat, can't sleep...

...reach for the stars, World Series" kind of stuff, right?

A girl has her standards.

Well, I got mine. And I say, let's blow off these people!

Gum.

Hat.

Other gum.

Look, I know these people have a stupid name...

...but they really like kids.

Okay? So put on a smile.

Sell it, girl!

Why do I always got to wear a dress?

Because it makes you look so pretty.

Oh, isn't she the most precious thing?

What a pretty little dress!

She's a honey! Look, she's got your mother's smile.

And your father's sense of humor.

That's very funny!

Come on in! Come in, sweetie!

Why, you’ll love it in here! It's going to be fabulous.

Callaway, huh?

Must be a real big shot.

You'd be surprised how big.

All this for her?

Welcome home, princess.

He forgot again, didn't he?

I'm afraid your father's been unavoidably detained.

lf it's any consolation...

...I know an old butler who's mighty glad to see you.

I'm sorry, Vincenzo.

How terribly rude of me!

I'm very glad to see you too.

Thank you, honey.

I see you’ve been practicing. Congratulations!

What's his excuse?

Your father? Well...

...he's preparing for your arrival up at the summer house.

-Which one? -Lake Minocqua.

But that's been closed for years. He never goes there.

He does now.

Vincenzo, you big fat fibber! What's going on?

My lips are sealed.

You mean it's a surprise?

You could put it that way.

It's a welcome home party for me!

I knew Daddy was up to something.

Alyssa, I didn't say--

I won't tell.

I've never had a surprise party in my whole life!

Well, this'll certainly be a surprise.

Come on, move it!

-I got 43. -Me too. Guess who's missing?

Carmen, where's Amanda? She's not coming.

Hey, slugger. What's up?

I'm not going to stupid camp.

I don't blame you. Look at this place. It's a pigsty!

It'll take you a week to make your bed.

Don't joke. I'm serious.

I'm not joking.

That's why I sent the bus ahead without us.

Liar.

-How much you want to bet? -Fifty bucks.

-Okay, so I didn't send the bus. -Cough it up.

But I will.

Then we can sit here until you tell me what's really wrong.

I'm not going to stupid Butkis' either.

I was waiting for that one.

If they’re the best I can do, Frankie's right. I am a reject.

You're not a reject.

It's just that most people want to adopt....

Babies. I know.

This orphan stuff is like growing up in a dog pound.

Everybody wants a puppy.

Just once, I'd like to sleep in my own room.

Hey, come here a minute. Listen to me.

You listening to me?

I'm going to find you the best home in the entire world.

That's a promise.

You don't make promises, remember?

I didn't say I don't make promises. I don't make promises I can't keep.

There's a big difference.

Now can we please go to camp?

Please?

But you still owe me $50.

Oh, Vincenzo, it's gorgeous!

I think this house is going to be my favorite.

I remember many happy years here.

-There she is. -Daddy!

Come over here, my little--

Wait a minute!

You're not Alyssa. She's little. You're a foot taller than her.

It's me. Honest! It is?

I’ve missed you. I'm sorry I wasn't at the airport.

That's okay. I knew it had to be something really important.

Like a party, maybe?

She knows?

I didn't say a thing!

Vincenzo didn't tell me. I figured it out on my own.

I should have let you surprise me, but I'm too excited.

You are? It's still on, isn't it?

Of course it's still on, sweetheart.

But are we talking about the same party?

Roger, she's darling!

I’d like you to meet a friend of mine, Clarice Kensington.

Hello, Miss Kensington. How do you do?

What a perfect little girl!

Roger, I'm absolutely smitten!

You and I are going to be great friends.

Are you here for my party?

Your party?

Roger, don't tell me you haven't told her?

Told me what?

Sweetheart, the party is not for--

Another couple of hours.

Let's get you settled in, princess.

Yes, why don't you do that?

I'm sure you two have lots to talk about.

He didn't tell her. I can't believe he didn't tell her.

Maybe he wanted to tell her in person.

I'm sorry. Did I say something to you?

Remember to bring your own bag. Everybody off!

Yo, Carmen, you blind?

What?

Girl, when you going to get a life?

Miss Kensington seems nice. Does she work with you?

Not exactly.

I got something to show you.

Right up here.

You see there? Across the lake?

That's Camp Callaway. That was your mom's favorite project.

So is she from the camp? Who?

Miss Kensington.

Sweetheart... ...I want to have a talk with you.

You know, Alyssa... ...a lot's happened while you were gone.

I haven't been able to come up to this house since Mom passed away.

But there comes a time when a person has to move on.

You're getting older.

There's just so much a father can do without help.

-We have Vincenzo. He helps us. -Yes, he does.

He's been a good friend to this family for a long time.

But what I think our family needs is a--

Excuse me. Telephone. Board meeting.

-Let me call them back, okay? -It's urgent.

I'm with my--

Forgive me? Don't I always?

So good to have you home.

On two?

Hey, young lady!

Summer vacation. Official. Go play!

Will you come with me?

I wish I could, but I got a lot of work to do. Sorry.

Check it out! Buckingham Palace.

That's in London, brainless. It's the Callaway house.

Nobody’s lived there for years. It's haunted.

-It's not either! -Ask anyone. Every full moon...

...old lady Callaway’s ghost crosses the lake and eats a camper.

Yeah, right. And Santa Claus lives with the tooth fairy in Queens.

-You ever been there? -No.

lf it's not haunted, why don't you go ring the doorbell?

-You think I'm scared? -Five bucks says you’re chicken.

Cough it up, choirboy!

Show me your money.

This I got to see!

They say the first Mrs. Callaway was a lovely woman...

...but look at this room!

No wonder she's dead! She had absolutely no taste.

I can't wait to sell this house.

I want one bar set up in here and two out in the patio.

Well, hello, munchkin!

Daddy!

Honey, what's the matter?

-You all right? -No!

What? What happened?

She hates this house!

Let's not be dramatic, darling. She was hiding in the den.

I simply said that we might fix it up someday.

That is, if you’ll let me.

Who is she?

There's no easy way to say this.

Sweetheart... ...Clarice and l will be married next month.

You'll finally have a real family.

She's going to be your new mother.

Isn't that wonderful?

She does this sometimes.

-Honey. -And she gets away with it.

I'm sorry, Roger, but little tantrums mustn't be rewarded.

Come on, sweetheart.

You're making it worse.

I know what I'm talking about.

All right, people! Back to work. Shoo!

Let's focus on the engagement party.

Sure hope you’re right.

Trust me. I'm a woman.

Look at the time! I’ve got to get my face on.

How's about some milk and cookies?

I’ve lost my mother. Now I’ve lost my father.

I have no family!

I'm an orphan, and I'm running away!

And don't you dare tell Daddy!

-We got to hide! -What if we get caught?

-Don't let her see us! -Who?

Old lady Callaway! There's no ghost.

Look at her!

She's nuts!

I won't go back. I won't!

She's not the boss of me.

Have you seen Alyssa?

I'm under strict orders not to tell you that she ran away.

Why didn't you stop her?

I thought I’d give her a head start so she could reclaim a little dignity.

You'll make sure she comes home okay?

Don't worry. Right away, boss.

Thanks, Vin.

It doesn't look haunted.

That's what they want you to think.

This isn't funny. Let's get out of here!

Don't worry! She'll chicken out.

Well... ...if it isn't the little orphan girl.

Someone's home! We were just coming after you.

I didn't mean nothing! It was just a joke.

I was just kidding around!

She didn't even scream.

Let's get you ready for the big dinner.

Big dinner?

Listen, Lurch, you don't want me. I'm too skinny!

There are other kids.

Big, fat ones, right outside. Eat them!

What in the world are you talking about?

The full moon. That's tonight, right?

Old lady Callaway’s ghost!

It's her!

I guess you think I'm stupid.

No, you’re just a little upset, that's all.

Looks like I just won five bucks.

So when's this party? Am I invited?

Your dress is upstairs.

Cocktails are at five.

Now if you’ll excuse me, please.

A dress? Me?

You got to be kidding!

Nobody’s even looking for me.

There you are!

I have been looking everywhere for you!

You have? Of course I have.

Let me ask you a question.

You did not come all the way up here...

...to sit around like a bump on a log, did you?

No.

I guess not.

Come on, slugger, they’re playing football.

You're missing out on all the fun.

I thought, "Where is she? What's happened to her?"

-I hear Amanda’s quite the jock. -The kid's a natural. Great speed.

Student body, left. Everybody block for Amanda. On four. Ready?

Break!

Who's Amanda? Funny.

She's probably eating her liver right now.

You think one camper's enough? I mean, what if she's still hungry?

Look!

Hey, I got it!

Run!

You're going the wrong way!

Great speed. Bad sense of direction.

Do you see what I see?

I don't know what you see, but what I see is me.

I see me, too.

Does that mean there's two of you?

Or two of me?

There really is two of us!

Don't you find this odd?

No, this is weird. This is really, really weird.

Wait a sec! You live at the Callaway house!

You're that girl from camp!

They thought I was you!

Alyssa Callaway. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Amanda. Put her there!

No wonder that penguin guy asked me in!

That's Vincenzo. He's our butler.

Who's the woman with the long hair?

I liked her.

That's Diane. We're buds. She's pretty cool for a grownup.

What were you doing over there?

I wanted to see what it was like to be an orphan.

What?

-Why? -Because it looked like fun.

Fun? Being an orphan? What's the matter with you?

So why were you at my house?

I was just.... I was just ringing the doorbell.

What for?

Because kids think that place is haunted.

That's stupid.

Well, then who's that scary blond lady?

She's absolutely horrid!

-lf I were you, I’d get rid of her. -Any suggestions?

You're talking to a pro here!

I’ve driven away more possible parents than you’ll ever meet.

Don't you want a family?

A girl's got to have her standards.

So tell me, this party, you really don't want to go?

I’d rather eat dirt.

Okay, listen. You be me. I'll be you. One night only.

Tomorrow at noon, we switch back. What do you say?

That's wonderful! That way, you can scare off Clarice for me.

Don't be such a goody-goody. I got a reputation to protect.

I scored a touchdown, didn't l?

Okay, just don't talk so good.

Use lousy English like:

Ain't ya never gonna wanna doncha hafta go to the bathroom?

That sort of thing.

You ain't got nothing to worry about.

I say, you do catch on rather quickly.

Stables, noon.

Miss Kensington says fashionably late was an hour ago.

What's the problem?

I'm a hairdresser... ...not a zookeeper.

What in the name of God is going on here?

Hi, Vinnie. I mean, Vincenzo.

I got... ...distracted.

You don't have to apologize.

Really? Cool!

I mean, it's just that I'm so terribly relieved that you... ...aren't pissed.

"Pissed," miss?

Why don't you get dressed, please? And let Carlo do your hair.

I liked it better when she fainted.

This is really good!

Of course it is, silly. It's your favorite.

It is?

Yes, of course.

The big, gooey, messy burger.

Also known as a sloppy joe.

Sloppy joe. Right.

Your favorite?

And with dern good reason!

Did you just say "dern"?

Good evening.

How swell of you to come!

So nice to see you.

Like my dress?

Escargot, Miss Callaway?

Why, thank you, waiter person.

I'm starving. I mean, I’d adore one!

This tastes like a balloon. It's snails, miss.

Good.

Nice.

Chewy.

All this money and these people eat slugs!

Look who's finally decided to grace us with her presence!

Clarice, right? You looked better with the mask.

I beg your pardon?

Clarice has been regaling us with your accomplishments at the academy.

-Might we entice you to play something? -Of course.

I’d be delighted! Whatever did you have in mind?

Checkers? Dodge ball?

No, dear girl.

Muffy was referring to the piano.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

Before we sit down to dinner, my future stepdaughter...

...whom I absolutely adore...

...has consented to play one of the pieces...

...that won her first prize at the Windsor Academу youth recital.

Hold it! Time-out. I can't play the piano.

I just told them you would.

Then do me a grand favor and untell them!

lf you embarrass me in front of all these people...

...I'll make sure that you never play anything...

...ever again. Have I made myself clear?

Clear as glass.

In fact, I can see right through you.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Normally, I’d be tickled to play a selection... ...from...

...Chopin. But in honor of my new stepmother...

...whom I absolutely adore...

...I decided to play a little something of my own.

Do you think my daughter's asking for attention?

I’d say she's demanding it.

Finn!

Huckleberry Finn! You got it!

The guys are ahead of us by eight seconds.

-Amanda, it's your turn. Go, girl! -Me?

You're the best. Show them what you got.

Look at her. She's nervous!

Yeah, so?

The old Amanda wasn't scared of nothing.

What am I supposed to do?

Ready. Set. Go!

Song!

What happened?

"London Bridge is Falling Down" !

That's it!

You may enter.

Mind if we talk? Whatever about?

Clarice.

None of that.

She was upset with your performance.

Shouldn't you give her a chance?

I did, and she's a big phoneу-baloneу, if you ask me.

I’ve never heard you this outspoken. It'd be nice to have a mother.

Yeah, and it'd be nice to have a father too. I mean--

No, no. Sweetheart, I think the person you’re really angry at...

...is me.

You? What'd you do?

I haven't been much of a father lately. I haven't seen you.

But all that's going to change. Clarice is going back to the city.

Gee, I hope it was nothing I did.

No, she's got a wedding to plan, but we'll get to spend some time together.

Get to know each other again. Is that okay?

Let's tuck you in, you little snuggler.

See you tomorrow.

Good night, honey.

I like having a father.

I like having a daughter. Good night, sweetie.

Lights out!

Lights out, cabin three!

-Come on, come on. -This I got to see!

We're going to get caught. I just know it!

Come on, Frankie. It's a full moon!

Shut up, stupid! Zombies hear better than dogs.

It's a frog!

Amanda? Scared of a frog? She's changed, all right!

Now do you believe me?

Yeah, she's one of them pod people. Let's get out of here!

A frog? You know what?

You should have kissed it.

He might've turned out to be Prince Charming.

Gross! Not for you. For me!

You'd kiss a frog? No.

Toads are my specialty.

Big, old, ugly suckers with tongues like this.

-It is not. -It is too!

-How else am I going to catch a guy? -I don't know.

There's that smile!

And that time, I think it went all the way up to your eyes.

You remind me of someone.

I do? Who?

Someone I’ve never met.

How, if you’ve never met her?