Original subtitles

Ooh, Jake, look...

That must be the girl Cooper brought home last night.

Ooh... And he must be upstairs preparing

his customary one-night stand gift bag.

Hi, you must be Jake and Claire.

- I'm Sara. - Hey.

Is it weird to offer you pants?

Yeah, yeah, I probably just made it weird

by asking you that.

All that to say there are pants

if you want them.

All right, babe.

Chill out, chill out. I-I got this.

So, uh, how did you and Cooper meet?

Is this a Tinder miracle or, uh...

Or was it the old-fashioned way,

when a roadie comes up and puts a sticker on your shirt?

Well, I've known Cooper for years.

In fact, I might know him better than he knows himself.

- Oh. - Do you want an omelet?

Ooh, girl, you trying to flirt with me in front of my wife?

- Stop. - Stop.

Where is Cooper, anyway?

He just looked so cute sleeping, I didn't want to wake him.

Probably tuckered out from all that s...

sex.

I tried to bail on it, but I couldn't

- think of another word. - Yeah.

He really couldn't, 'cause, I mean,

his dirty talk is just him going "Whee!"

I'll-I'll go get Cooper.

- I'll go sit down. - Yeah.

- G'day. - Hey. I was just

coming to get you. Uh, Sara is making us breakfast.

Great. Who's Sara?

Cooper, if you're gonna have sex with a girl,

you should at least know her name.

I've never seen that girl in my life.

Cooper, if you're gonna have sex with a girl,

you should at least look at her.

No...

Claire, I swear to you, I have no idea who that person is.

What? She says she knows you

better than you know yourself.

And she watched you sleep, and...

Oh... Oh, my God, is she a stalker?

Looks like it. I-I'll go call my manager to help.

He's always dealing with stuff like this. In the meantime,

don't eat anything she cooks, and just stay calm.

- They're usually harmless. - What...

Usually?

W-We should call the police.

Don't be such a white lady, Claire.

Claire get in here, Sara's killing me!

With this amazing omelet.

- Mmm, mmm. - Hon... Jake.

Jake, this girl is a stalker.

Hey,

do you have a sharper knife?

Uh...

Hey. Hell yeah, we do.

This one in here is guaranteed to cut through bone.

Ow, you're hurting me.

Jake.

Cooper does not know this woman.

- She is a stalker. - What?

- No way. - Yeah.

"Stalker" implies I'm still looking for Cooper.

Now that I've found him,

I'm never gonna let him go.

Aw...

Oh, my God!

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -

So, the good news is

Sara has been...

taken care of.

My God, what did you do to her?

We just called her parents, who made her

come home to North Dakota.

I'm sorry, did I make it sound ominous?

It sounded like you had her killed.

Why does everyone always suspect me of killing women?

Anyway, now that someone knows where Cooper lives,

Nightmare and I have a full plan in place to relocate him.

What? But I love living with Jake and Claire.

Everyone else treats me like a painting in a museum.

You know, just stop and stare,

and then if they try and touch me,

security moves them along.

I don't see why you have to move.

I mean, you have me here to protect you.

What about installing a security system?

Oh.

Don't you have that hookup with that celebrity security guy?

I do, and he is the best.

My ex-wife used him and I haven't been able

to get in my house since.

Well... well, can you give me his number?

'Cause I just hate the feeling of someone

breaking into our home and rummaging through our stuff.

Hey guys, next time you go shopping,

would you get regular milk?

Almond milk kind of upsets Gerald.

Not stomach-wise, just the idea of it.

Mom, you guys can't just barge in here whenever you want

and help yourself to our food.

Honey, do you really expect us to drive all the way

to the grocery store for just a couple of things?

It's not worth our time or the potential DUI.

Why's everyone look so serious?

Oh, well, one of Cooper's stalkers broke in.

So we're actually talking about installing a security system.

And I'm trying to tell them they don't need it

because they have me.

Do you really think you're the one to handle this... you...

The person who was beaten up by a duck?

It was a goose

and I forgot I had a sandwich in my pocket.

Look...

Jake, if you want to keep your house safe,

just do what my dad taught me:

be six, five, 250.

Thank you, Gerald, but I have my own system, okay?

Every night, I put a large vacuum cleaner by the back door.

That way, if some joker tries to break in,

he'll make a noise, giving me time

to put on clothes, so he doesn't have to suffer

the indignity of getting his ass kicked by a naked man.

Yeah,

- Jake, your system is perfect... - Thank you.

If we were trying to stop a small lady or Larry King.

Now, what if our intruder was big and tough,

like, Nightmare's size?

You couldn't take somebody down like that.

Of course I could.

Okay, then take down Nightmare

and prove to your whole family why you don't need an alarm.

I mean, now... it's awkward. You know what I mean?

I don't want... I don't want Nightmare

to feel pressured or anything.

Oh, you have my full consent.

You know, it's not fair that he's expecting me.

That what it i... You know what I mean?

If-if this was the real deal,

I'd have the element of surprise.

Which I don't have, so...

Well, if anyone actually dangerous breaks in,

can't we just call the police?

Uh, sure, except the average response time

in this neighborhood is 23 minutes.

That's enough time for 400 stabs.

Good lord, how fast do people stab?

Well, picture a sewing machine on meth.

Okay. I'm sorry, Jake,

but as long as Cooper's living here,

we need to get an alarm.

No, Claire, we do not need an alarm.

Geez.

Now that that's settled, would anybody like a coffee?

A water? Some tea? A...

surprise attack from the back?!

Your reach don't work up here. Oh...

Uh...

yeah, we should get that alarm.

Yeah, we should.

And if you're still offering, I'd love a coffee.

30 seconds.

Stupid alarm.

All right, the code is my birthday,

Claire's birthday and the number of women

I've slept with who aren't Claire.

23, 17, 00.

20 seconds.

Man...

Incorrect code.

Ten seconds.

You... piece of crap.

It's fun, huh?

Aah!

No. I hate it, Claire.

I feel like a prisoner here.

Aw, you're just too focused on all the negatives

and you're ignoring all the perks. Like...

does my handsome little number cruncher know

that this system keeps data

of everything that happens in our home?

Daddy does love data.

And it tells you stuff like

how many people come in and out.

Where we spend most of our time.

You could make a graph.

I love graphs.

Backyard motion detected.

Ooh, how did it know what I was thinking?

Oh, the backyard.

- Actual yard. - Yeah, it's...

- Actual backyard. - Oh, this is the best part.

It's my parents.

Probably coming over again to steal more stuff.

Those dirty mother...

and father of my wife.

Claire, honey, are you in there?

Claire?

Honey, why's this door locked? Let us in.

Hey, Mom, what are you guys doing here?

Don't say to steal stuff. Just be cool.

Uh, we were just stopping by to steal stuff.

Damn it, Gerald, you put it in my head.

You ready to feel alive?

Absolutely.

Hit this button.

Intruder alert.

Notifying police.

Wait, what the hell is going on?

I'm putting the law back in son-in-law!

Gerald, they got dogs!

Run!

Hit 'em with the sprinklers, babe.

Oh, Jake, I think they've had enough.

No. Hit them with the sprinklers.

Hey, babe, I'm home.

Hello, Clarice.

Ooh, you look like a sexy piano.

Why don't you come over here and, uh, Bach that ass up?

How are you seeing me right now?

Oh, my God, you look like

the world's saddest casino boss.

Baby, baby, baby, no, no,

wait, wait, wait, wait, right there,

don't move. Stand right there.

- Enhance. Enhance. Enhance. - Wait, are you using a camera

to zoom in on my butt?

Mm, and...

capture.

Oh, come on, Jake.

I can do way better than that.

- Yes! - Yes, yes! Ooh, give it to me.

Yes! Cheeks are involved.

Capture, capture.

Oh, babe, you were right, I-I have to admit, this is, uh,

this is amazing stuff. This system's great. Look,

there's no trespassers out back,

no sign of your parents

near our Costco supplies,

and best of all,

our little pop star is in his room, safe and sound.

Mm.

Being closely monitored by his accountant,

that he lives with.

- Just as it should be. - Mm-hmm.

You know, I just feel so powerful with this system.

I've been solving all kinds of mysteries with this thing.

Like, you know we were wondering why the dishwasher

wasn't cleaning our silverware?

Well, yeah, I already solved that one, it's because it sucks,

and we should replace it.

Oh, yes.

We should replace it. You're probably right, Claire.

Case closed.

There is, however, one more thing.

Uh, Cooper, can you join us in the kitchen, please?

Can you just tell me what... I'm sorry,

I can't comment on the investigation

until Cooper walks in and says, "Hiya, guys. What's happening?"

Hiya, guys. What's happening?

Cooper,

you enjoy making peanut butter sandwiches, don't you?

Yeah, yeah, I love to cook.

Mm, mm.

And, when you're done cooking,

what do you normally do with said knife?

Well, I-I rinse it and put it in the dishwasher.

Ah, rinse it...

and put it in the dishwasher.

I guess the case is closed, Claire.

You were right.

We just need a new dishwasher.

There is, however, one more thing.

I submit to you, exhibit A.

Hello. I'm famous,

and I need to eat my sandwich right now.

No time to rinse,

just gonna put this dirty knife directly into the dishwasher.

You know it's offensive when you do the accent.

Uh,

no, it isn't.

What if I was Asian?

Oh.

The point is an innocent appliance

has been framed.

What do you have to say for yourself, young man?

I guess I'll start rinsing my knives.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - Now, if you don't mind,

I'm gonna call Bono back and keep

organizing this Syrian fundraiser.

Jake, what is going on here?

Well, since you guys don't think I can protect us

from the monsters who live outside the house,

I've decided to focus on the monsters who live inside.

Okay. well that is not at all why we got an alarm,

but I suppose it is nice to know

that we don't need to buy a new dishwasher.

Yes, yes, it is.

And while our dishes may not be clean,

you certainly should be.

Um, what's that supposed to mean?

Mm, exhibit W,

for "water waster."

What? That is just a video of the closed bathroom door.

So you admit it?! You admit it.

You see, see, you got in the shower at 4:42, but then look...

Enhance, enhance...

Those are your feet, right here, look.

At 4:45, 4:48, and 4:53.

Still not in the shower. Claire,

what were you doing?

You want to know what I was doing?

Oh, yes.

Me and all the fish currently dying

in the Colorado River

would love to know...

what you were doing.

I was dry brushing the dead skin cells off my body.

What?

Oh, come on, Halle Berry does it.

You don't think she's gross.

I do now.

Ugh. You know what, I'm going for a run.

Oh, interesting.

Another, uh, three-miler, like yesterday?

Yeah, I'll probably just do my usual loop.

Huh.

Your usual loop, she says.

Usual loop.

That's funny, because, according to the porch camera,

it's just you stretching for a minute,

and then 19 minutes of you sitting on the porch

scrolling through Instagram,

while your dead cells fall off your body.

What the hell? We did not get this alarm system

so that you could watch and judge our every move.

We got it so we could protect Cooper.

I am protecting Cooper

from living in a house of lies!

Can you see me on the monitor?

You know I can.

Good. Then you can see this.

- Wha... Oh. - Holy crap.

Jake, what was that?

Uh, probably just Cooper and his lady friend

breaking another headboard.

Am I right?

Guys, did you hear that? I think another stalker broke in.

That's impossible.

No one can get in here without triggering the alarm.

Wait, what the hell? None of my cameras are working.

Hey, fun idea, on the count of three,

let's all admit something bad that we've done

and then immediately forgive each other.

Okay? One, two, three.

- I turned off the alarm. - Wait, what?

I was gonna say I stole a bass line from Marvin Gaye,

but yours is way worse.

Claire, why would you turn off the alarm?

Because I woke up super hungry

and I couldn't get back to sleep,

so I snuck downstairs

for some night-night cookies.

Okay, first of all, that's adorable. Okay?

And second, you don't have to turn off an alarm to do that.

Yes I do, otherwise you'd spend our entire breakfast

showing me replay of how I left crumbs

all over the kitchen counter.

Why can't you just use your iPad to watch porn,

like a regular husband?

Well, if you took the parental locks off those sites,

maybe I would.

Guys, please focus. Someone is downstairs.

I thought you said that your stalkers are usually harmless.

Well, day stalkers come for underwear,

but night stalkers come for blood.

And underwear. They all like underwear.

I'm calling the police.

But Wayne said that the average response time is 23 minutes.

That means this psycho could stab us, sit down,

watch an episode of Seinfeld, and then leave.

Jake, where are you going?

To protect my family.

Be right back, fight club!

Gonna get my black belt of karate out of the dryer.

I know I'm supposed to air dry it,

but I don't follow the rules, 'cause I'm crazy!

'Cause I'm crazy.

Ooh...

There's really someone here.

Element of surprise!

Aah!

I'm your new backpack now,

and I'm full of no good.

Jake, are you okay?

Wh... Nightmare?

What the hell are you doing here?

Wayne had asked me to guard your house.

And what? Y-You got hungry, or...

No, I saw another freaky lady in your kitchen.

She was hunched over your sink,

just devouring food,

like that bear from The Revenant.

I don't mean to scare you,

but I think she may still be in here.

Oh, she's in here, all right.

I'm sorry I turned off the alarm, okay?

But there are certain things that I just

don't want you to know about, like when I eat cookies,

or how much time I spend in the bathroom.

- Well, this week you averaged... - Do not finish that sentence.

Yup.

Look, we've been together

for over a decade,

but I still need some mystery in our lives.

I mean, I hate the feeling of being watched

- every moment of my life. - Tell me about it.

One of the reasons I've loved living with you guys

is that I get a break from the outside world.

Out there, everyone treats me like a panda at the zoo,

always taking photos and way too curious about when I have sex.

Okay, all right,

maybe I got a little carried away with the cameras,

and the sensors, and the...

that true crime cooking show I made up,

Making a Burgerer,

but we need this system to protect you.

Do we?

I mean, look at what you just did...

You protected us from a man whose...

legal name is Nightmare Big Man.

Actually, it's pronounced "Nit-mari Bigmin."

Really? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Well, to be fair,

all I did was tackle him and whisper a badass line

about being a backpack.

Yeah, if I hadn't busted my ankle

on that stupid vacuum by the door,

I would have pushed your brains out your ears.

Good heavens, Nit-mari.

Did you hear that?

Your vacuum system worked.

Maybe we can get rid of the alarm.

Now, honestly, I would love that.

Yeah. Maybe you're right.

You know, uh...

turns out all the security we need is, uh,

just me, a vacuum and, uh...

the element of surprise! Ha-ha!

Aah! Ho-ho!

Ooh. Night-night cookies.