Original subtitles

Hurry up, burrito. I'm pregnancy-hungry. I haven't eaten in ten minutes.

Aah. Get away from that microwave. You're nuking my baby.

- You know, I read a blog that says... - You read a blog? No.

No, no, no. Do not read mommy blogs.

They'll just fill you with panic and worry.

Oh, not this one.

Really? What's it called?

The Mommy Worrier.

See, she has theories on almost every topic.

She says microwaves will prevent my child from doing higher math.

I'm pretty sure Jimmy being the father will prevent that.

Look, I'm doing everything the doctor said.

I've given up alcohol, feta cheese, and lox.

Oh, and stay away from cats.

The animal, the musical, and the deli. The website wasn't specific.

- Just be quiet and let me eat. - Fine, but don't gain more than 20 pounds.

Hmm, you should've mentioned that five pounds ago.

Oh.

Wow, look at you, Deej, looking all hot for your first date with Steve.

Wha... Wrong. It's, like, my millionth date with Steve.

But you're right about the hot part.

Good for you being all swaggy swag on the most important date of your life.

I would be a nervous wreck.

Oh, you're ridiculous. Why would I be nervous?

Steve's my best friend.

Ahem.

Male best friend.

No. I'm choking on this burrito, but thank you.

Steve and I have known each other for 25 years.

We're really excited for us to finally happen.

Exactly. I mean, this is no longer the fantasy of Steve and DJ.

This is your first date since he quit his job for you.

You guys have to make this relationship work.

You're Ste-J, America's couple.

Don't listen to her, Deej. What you and Steve have is so romantic.

- Thank you, Kimmy. - You broke up Steve's wedding.

You crushed Matt's heart.

Lives were destroyed, and a goldfish was Heimliched.

It's the most beautiful story ever told.

See, Steph, it's beautiful.

No reason to be nervous.

Hey, everybody.

Steve. Hi.

Look, everybody, it's Steve from my date.

Deej, you look beautiful. You ready?

Me...

pashmina...

get.

Wine Country. Chilly. Good idea.

- I thought we were talking like that now. - Bye.

So, what are your plans for the big night? They better be good.

Oh, I'm taking Deej to Wine Country.

Fancy. Wine Country.

Wine, really?

I'm allowed to say the word.

Wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine...

Ooh, I'm a little light-headed.

So I pulled some strings, and I scored us a table at The French Laundry.

I just have to look at the maitre d's bunion before dessert.

- Ew. - Ew.

Dude, no feet talk.

Okay, this is the most important date of your life.

You know, you're starting to make a lot of sense.

That might be the wine talking.

Pashmina. Where are you? I need you!

Hey, Mom. Can I stay up an hour later tonight?

I need to live-tweet my favorite show - Blue Bloods.

No. Bedtimes are non-negotiable.

And when did I give birth to a 75-year-old man?

But it's Blue Bloods,

America's favorite police procedural, disguised as a family drama.

Max, sorry. I said no.

Did I mention you look stunning?

Thank you.

But you still can't watch Blue Bloods.

In that case, you look fine.

Have a good evening. I won't.

You're right. I wasn't nervous enough.

But now that I'm totally paralyzed with fear, uh,

maybe I'll treat this date with the import that it deserves.

Okay, I'm ready.

Can't wait.

Have a great time.

You have to.

I think we really helped them.

You know, we're great friends.

Where are you going?

All that wine made me tired.

The Fault in Our Stars is so deep.

So devastating.

Life is unfair.

I want what Hazel and Gus have.

An incurable disease?

- No. - Tickets to the Anne Frank Museum?

No. True love.

I want commitment, devotion.

I can't do this friends-who-make-out thing with Rocki anymore.

Hold up. A girl way out of your league wants to make out with you

with no strings attached

and you're complaining?

Ramona, I am more than just a piece of meat.

I get it.

Jackson's looking for a real relationship with stability, longevity, and security.

- Is that what you have with Stephanie? - I was thinking about my wireless plan.

Jackson, man up and tell Rocki what you want.

If you don't ask, you're never gonna get.

- Where are you going? - I got to change my wireless plan.

I want to see if they're still doing that unlimited Netflix thing.

Yeah. Well, I'm going to get what I want to.

- You're gonna talk to Rocki? - Don't have to.

Just changed my Facebook status to "in a relationship" with Rocki.

Bold move, considering she's way too cool to be on Facebook.

Nobody's "too cool" for Facebook.

Oh. Already got likes from Pastor Tim and Grandpa.

So, uh, um... you ever been to The French Laundry?

No, but I hear it's delicious.

- They say the duck is delicious. - Oh, yeah.

Is it getting a little hot in here? I'm feeling a little delicious.

Are you having a stroke?

I hope so 'cause that could explain why I keep saying the word "delicious."

Look at that bridge. I've never taken in its beauty until now.

Yeah, 'cause that's we haven't moved in ten minutes.

Oh, man, it's got to be backed up for miles.

Well, that just... gives us more time for conversation.

Yeah.

I know I'm gassy, but am I moving the couch?

You are sitting way too close to the TV.

And Shark Week? Aah.

How dare you expose my baby to all that violence?

It's educational.

Lady, get away from that shark before it rips your limbs off.

No.

Aw. I wanted to see the bloody carcass.

You know what? You've become a real wombzilla.

All right, I'm only gonna say this once. How rude.

There she is. My pregnant Kimberlina.

Or shall I say Pregnalina?

Oy.

Oh...

You're always your most beautiful when you're with baby.

Yaah.

I think your daughter speaks for all of us when she says, "Yaah."

Wait. the Mommy Worrier says too much excitement

can raise the expectant mother's heart rate to dangerous levels.

Well, that's why I stopped Acapulco cliff diving.

Well, I am adding a new forbidden fruit to the no-no list, and it is Fernando.

You cannot do this to me.

I am a fruit that should not be forbidden.

I said forbidden.

Forbidden!

- Hey, Ro... - What is wrong with you, Fuller?

I don't know. You usually tell me.

Someone just Snapchatted me a picture of your Facebook page.

Why are you telling old people we're in a relationship?

I thought it might be cool for us to be exclusive.

I wanna be your official boyfriend.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Why not? I thought you liked me.

I like you fine. I just don't wanna put a label on it.

Well... I like labels.

They soothe me.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying...

Ah... If you don't want to be my girlfriend, then...

I have no choice but to break up with you.

Okay.

See you, Fuller.

Did you just unfriend me? You're not even on Facebook.

I signed up just so I could block you.

And please tell Pastor Tim to stop asking me to play Candy Crush.

We're stuck in really bad traffic. Can you hold our reserva...

Hello? Hello?

Good luck lancing your own bunion.

The good news is, I'm suddenly not hungry.

I'm so sorry. This is not how this date was supposed to go.

I hope this isn't a bad omen for our relationship.

No, no, of course not.

Oh, no, is it raining frogs?

- Kidding. - Oh.

Yeah, that was funny, now that you explained it was a joke.

- Music? - Yes, please.

We'll return to our boy-band marathon in a moment.

Oh, the valet must have changed that from my preset -

gangster rap.

It's time for KPIL trivia. First caller to answer wins.

Question one - what item of clothing was named after its Scottish inventor?

The Mackintosh.

You know everything.

- Hardly. Sorry. I'll put on some music. - No.

- No. You should call in. You could win. - Nah.

Caller, you're on.

I called in for you.

The item of clothing?

Uh, a Mackintosh.

Correct!

Yeah. Question number two -

what is the more popular name for the painting La Gioconda?

- The Mona Lisa. - Right!

Who said, "I think, therefore I am"?

Sounds like Kimmy.

That would be the father of modern philosophy - Rene Descartes.

"Je pense, donc je suis."

Okay, now you're showing off.

Keep showing off. I love it when you speak French.

Then you'll really love it when I speak Klingon.

Maybe just speak French.

How could you let me make a crucial life decision

after watching The Fault In Our Stars?

Hey, you finally showed some backbone and demanded what you wanted.

I mean...

sure, it backfired terribly, but stay strong.

I'm not strong. I'm gonna beg her to take me back.

I've lived my whole life without pride. Why start now?

No, you are not calling her. Every time you take a stand, you cave.

It's part of my charm.

It sounds more like a lack of self-esteem coupled with generalized anxiety.

I listen to a lot of radio therapists.

Forget the phone. I'll email Rocki.

You changed the password?

- Where's the landline? - We have a landline?

What's a landline?

Dr. Steve, that was 19 in a row.

One more, and you win a Three Tenors tote bag.

They were the original boy band.

Final question - name the spacecraft that set off for Jupiter in 1972.

I don't know this one.

Me neither. Wha...

I know someone who will.

It's Rocki.

Nope, it's my phone.

Why is Rocki calling you? You stay away from her.

It's Mom.

Hello, Mother.

Quick. What's the name of the spacecraft that set off for Jupiter in 1972?

Oh. So you are asking something of me,

and yet, when I ask something of you, I am rebuffed.

We don't break bedtime rules.

Then I don't know the answer.

Have we stumped you, Dr. Steve?

Hold on. Make this happen. We need that tote bag!

Okay, fine. You can stay up and watch Blue Bloods.

- Pioneer Ten. - Pioneer Ten.

Uh, Pioneer Ten?

Correct! Yeah.

- Tote bag city! - Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

I'm so lucky to have you and unlimited texting.

Did you watch The Fault in Our Stars again?

Maybe. Hold me.

Babe.

Oh, no.

If Fernando and I can't, neither can Jimmy and Wombzilla.

What the heck is this? You killed the mood.

You bet your forbidden fruity I did.

We were just hugging.

A hug is a gateway to snuggling,

and snuggling is a gateway to canoodling.

So take a cold shower. Watch Beauty and the Beast.

That won't work. That teapot is hot.

And don't even get me started on Lumiere. Hoo.

Ah, it looks like someone can't live by her own rules.

Yes, I can.

And if that's what it takes to keep you two apart,

then it's a deal.

I'm gonna make some tea.

Ah, you're killing me.

- Traffic jam full of miserable people. - Mm.

Nobody is having fun.

I can fix that.

- What are you doing? - A musical number.

Wait. You can't do a musical number without me.

Hey! Get out of the road, you jerks!

Wait. Did we just do a musical number?

I'm not sure, but if we didn't, then how did I pull my hamstring?

"Donnie Wahlberg's best work of the season."

"He's really bringing the drama to...

hashtag Blue Bloods."

Isn't Donnie Wahlberg from New Kids on the Block

that our moms love?

This must be his dad.

Guys, get off me.

I swear, I won't go over to Rocki's or call her.

Or call her mother.

- Rocki! - Aah!

Rocki, good to see ya.

I know I gave you a hard time

about your lack of style, hygiene, general wimpiness...

Is this helping?

I haven't gotten to your haircut, Avril Lavigne.

But underneath all of that is a good guy

who deserves to be in a relationship on terms that make him happy.

You remember that.

Jackson, it's Rocki!

Fuller, I didn't wanna text this to you, I wanted to say it to your face.

Did you read that article in The Atlantic about the return of conversation?

You don't get to dump me. I get to dump you.

You're right. I messed up.

I'm so sorry.

Jackson?

No. I'm not sorry.

I want the relationship I deserve.

Either we're exclusive or... we're nothing.

You don't get to say we're exclusive. I say we're exclusive.

Wait. Are you saying we're exclusive?

Keep up, Fuller.

We're boyfriend-girlfriend?

I can't believe this worked.

- Fuller, just shut up and kiss me. - Ah.

Yes, that's what I'm gonna do - I'm gonna shut up and kiss you.

- Just like the lady said 'cause... - Why are you still talking?

Waah.

Not during my Blue Bloods.

Your oversized body-concealing sweatshirt that Stephanie made you wear

repels me.

A little.

I know you're trying to turn me off with those mom jeans...

but it's not working.

Ah. I see you're wearing my dad's jeans.

And sitting at opposite ends of the table.

I like what I'm not seeing.

And I like that you're not doing what you're not seeing.

And I do not even remember what I'm supposed to not be doing.

You know what we all should be doing

while we're not doing what we're not doing?

Checking out the moon.

I think you'll enjoy the view.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Um, first...

my Kimberlina...

you wash the car.

You're right. It's filthy. Hee-hee.

What a glorious moon.

And a glorious burger.

Ah, I can't believe how nervous I was coming into tonight.

Ah, my Fanta. I was a wreck.

But we took a terrible situation and turned it into something great.

- Because we're good together. - Yeah, we are.

But I still feel like there's something missing.

Is that what you were looking for?

I think so, but just to be sure, we should maybe do it again.

Hmm. Say it in French.

Embrasse-moi, mon amour.

Ooh-la-la.

One, two, three, four.

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