Original subtitles

Frasier, thank God you're here.

Why, what's wrong, Roz?

My book club meets tonight,

and I haven't read the book.

Oh, my, that is a literary 911.

I know.

Wait. You joined a book club?

Why is that so hard to believe?

I like to read.

What's his name?

Jason.

Uh-huh.

We met at a bookstore,

and he asked me to join his club.

He's separated, but I think it's for keeps.

He was buying Divorce for Dummies.

Sounds like a real catch, Roz.

Anyway, I was supposed to read

The Great Gatsby last night,

but I couldn't get Alice to sleep,

so could you give me a quick summary?

Well, all right.

Uh, it was a time known as the Jazz Age.

Wall Street was booming, bootleg hooch was flowing,

and the young people were doing a new dance

called the Charleston.

Where were you when I was trying

to get Alice to sleep?

Could you just get to it already?

Well, all right, fine.

Lorna Lenley.

Okay, who's she, Gatsby's girlfriend?

The woman who just walked in.

She was the great beauty of my high school.

She had brains, looks, style...

and the way she filled out a mohair sweater...

well, suffice it to say,

it was snugger on her than on the goat.

Why don't you go over and say hello?

Oh, God, Roz, she wouldn't even remember me.

She was with the in crowd.

The only people who knew me debated, recited

or were on a six-month visit from Abu Dhabi.

Oh, God, she's coming over. She's coming over!

She's coming over!

Excuse me.

Didn't we go to high school together?

Did we?

Yes. I thought you looked familiar.

You're Frasier, aren't you?

Well, that's right.

Um... all right, let me guess.

Um... Lisa?

Lorna.

Oh, yes, of course.

Lorna, hello.

Uh, Roz, I'd like you to meet Lorna Anne Lenley.

Was that... anywhere close?

Wow, very good.

Although it's Gardener now,

but I'm going back to Lenley.

I was just recently divorced.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Roz, our chatting isn't, uh,

bothering your reading, is it?

Oh, no. Actually, I...

Oh, right.

Off I go.

So, uh, I-I'm divorced myself, actually.

Yes, I know that.

I listen to your show.

Really?

Well, I sell real estate,

so I'm in my car all the time,

so whenever I can, I turn you on.

Oh, my.

Oh, that's me.

Excuse me, I have to get that.

No problemo.

Roz...

she's just as lovely as ever.

So, you going to ask her out?

Oh, right.

"Legs" Lenley and Crane "The Brain. "

In my dreams.

Frasier, you act

like you're still some gawky teenager.

You're a charming, successful man.

Well, thank you, Roz.

No problemo.

Excuse me. I- I have to go show a house.

Frasier, it was really nice to see you again.

Oh, likewise.

Uh, Lorna, listen,

I- I realize that, uh, this is out of the blue

and that you're very busy,

but I was wondering if you might like to, uh...

Yes?

...appraise my apartment.

See, I've decided to sell it.

Sure. Be happy to.

In fact, I'm free tonight.

Really? Uh, well, how's 7:00?

Uh, I live at the Elliott Bay Towers.

Oh, wow, what a great building.

Yes, well...

You've certainly done well for yourself.

Yes, well, I think

you'll find that we've both come

a long way since high school.

Oh, you know, here, let me... let me carry those for you.

Oh. Thank you.

Dad, she'll be here any minute.

Okay, okay, I'm leaving.

Listen, I'm sorry to uproot you like this.

It's just... Oh, it's all right.

I'd rather clear the decks for a date

than for one of your theme parties.

Although I am kind of sorry

I missed an evening with Moe Howard.

That was Noel Coward.

Oh, hey. Hey, Dad.

Oh, Niles, what are you doing here?

Well, I've got a crisis.

Uh, tomorrow's Mel's birthday,

and I'm planning a very romantic evening,

but my Gaggenau is on the fritz.

Oh, geez, I don't need to hear this.

No, Dad...

it's a stove.

I know. Six burners and a griddle.

Don't you guys ever talk about cars?

Frasier, I'm desperate.

Can I possibly use your kitchen tomorrow

to prepare the meal? Yes, of course, Niles,

but, listen, now you-you've got to go.

I have a date.

Oh?

Anyone I know?

As a matter of fact, yes.

Lorna Lenley.

Oh! No, really, who?

No, it's true. I-I bumped into her today at the cafe.

Lorna Lenley? Mm-hmm.

You, sir, have moxie.

Well...

Why, even with all my vested authority

as hall monitor, I could never muster

the courage to ask to see her bathroom pass,

and you asked her out?

Well...

I bow down before you. I doff my cap to you.

Well, actually, it's...

it's not really a date.

I knew it.

You see, she's coming over to appraise the apartment.

She's in real estate.

I tried to ask her out and I choked.

I did get the impression

that she was interested in me, though.

Well, of course she is. Oh, and the coach called.

You're starting the big game on Sunday.

That's very funny, Niles.

All right, off you go, now. Come on.

No, I want to see Lorna.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Niles, no.

You have to go.

Is that her?

She's here. All right, okay, okay.

But, look...

you get one quick hello,

and then you're gone, mister.

Hello, Frasier.

Lorna, good to see you again.

Uh, perhaps you remember my brother Niles.

Yes, hello, Niles.

Well, now that you two have had a chance to catch up,

I'll see you later, Niles.

Nice to see you again, Niles.

Oh, Frasier, wow!

What a great apartment.

Thank you.

Why are you selling it?

Oh, I don't want to bore you with the details.

It's a very long, very complicated story.

I'd love to hear it.

Uh, well...

I need more closet space.

Could I interest you in some wine?

Oh, I would love some.

Ah.

Do you remember Chip Clayton's graduation party?

Remember, we broke into his father's liquor cabinet

and we made sangria out of a $100 bottle of wine?

Thank you. No.

You know what?

I should make some notes

on your apartment.

What are you doing?

Tell her why you really asked her over

and drop this ridiculous charade.

You're not 16 years old any longer.

Frasier, I'd love to see your bedroom.

Of course.

Lorna Lenley wants to see my bedroom!

Oh, Frasier, wow, another great room.

Thank you.

Is this bed Scandinavian?

You have a good eye.

Lorna Lenley's on my bed!

Stop acting like an adolescent!

Frasier, are you all right?

No.

No, actually, Lorna, I'm not all right. Uh...

you see, when I saw you this afternoon,

I immediately flashed back to the hopeless crush

I had on you in high school.

Of course, it didn't help matters much

that you've hardly changed a bit,

and I wanted to ask you out and I-I lost my nerve.

You mean, all of this

was just a ruse to get me up here?

I'm afraid so.

So now that I've sufficiently embarrassed myself,

I'll show you out.

You know, Frasier, I have to say,

I'm really very flattered.

Really?

Yes.

You know, it's not too late to ask me out.

Would you like to have dinner with me this evening?

I'd love to.

Wonderful.

I'm going out with Lorna Lenley!

Hi.

Mm, I had a wonderful time last night.

Me, too.

It was like being back in high school...

but with sex.

Oh, I don't want this to end.

I must warn you, now that I've learned

to finally ask you out, I'll be doing

a lot more of it.

Are you free this evening?

See, there I go already.

How about tomorrow night?

Somebody stop me.

Not me.

I wonder what time it is.

Mm. Oh.

It's 10:00.

Oh, crap! I'm late!

Is there something I can do?

Oh, yeah, make this lousy hangover go away.

Where the hell are those aspirin?

You know, perhaps I should get you a glass of water for those.

Uh, would you prefer sparkling or still...

or not.

I see you're fine.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want to finish this?

No, no, you're the guest.

Yeah, it's me. I'm running late.

Move my 10:30 to 11:30.

Just move it to 11:30!

I didn't realize you smoked.

Oh, yeah, I'm always trying to quit,

buy my weight just balloons up.

I mean, trust me, you don't want to see my ass

when I'm off these things.

You know, I hate to be a-a fusspot,

but I'd prefer...

Yeah.

Well, who let the dog in?

Put your brother on.

Put your brother on!

Put your brother on!

Oh, will you be a sweetie and make me some coffee?

Okay.

Well, you know that mess better be cleaned up

by the time I get home.

Both of you.

Put your brother on.

Put your brother on!

Put your brother on the phone!

Oh, this is nice.

I still don't understand

why you have to do all the cooking.

Why don't you just take Mel out for a nice meal?

Oh, well, because through cooking,

I can truly express my feelings for her.

You know, the French have a saying...

Okay, okay.

I was just making conversation

till we got home.

Oh, hi, Dad. Hey.

Frasier... Hello, Niles.

I could really use some help preparing

this dish today if you're not busy.

Oh gosh, Niles, I've got a lot of errands to run.

You know, why don't you ask Daphne?

Uh, all right, all right.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. How did things go with Lorna?

Oh... Did you summon up the courage

to ask her out?

Well, actually...

oh, come on, Frasier, seize the moment.

Faint heart never won fair lady.

You know, the French have a saying...

Morning, Niles. Hey...

Walk me out.

Mm.

I have some really great news.

Really? Do tell.

Well, I called my office,

and after my 11:30,

I'm free for the rest of the day.

Oh, well, what are you planning on doing?

Hmm, being with you, silly.

Excuse me.

I'm coming!

You know, you are the best thing

that's happened to me in a long time.

I'm in. You happy?

Whisk.

Spoon.

Cheese cloth.

Perfect timing. Mm.

Daphne, open the oven.

Ah.

Ready.

Shall I close, Dr. Crane?

Please.

Do you think it'll be all right?

It's out of our hands now, Daphne.

Ow...

Thank you for your help.

Oh, my pleasure.

I haven't this much fun in the kitchen

since your brother caught his tie in the pasta machine.

Oh, and the real fun's just beginning.

Clean up... Ow!

Oh, oh, you silly sod.

Here, run it under some cold water.

I'll fetch the aloe cream.

Oh... dear.

Come here.

Oh, this will help.

I can't believe I just did that.

Oh, I do that sort of thing all the time.

You have to be careful.

Those pan handles get awfully hot.

Oh, well, not anymore.

It's got a protective coating of skin on it now.

Just give it a minute to absorb.

Oh, it'll be fine.

It's feeling better already.

Thanks, Daphne.

Hey, what's up?

Nothing. Why should anything be up?

Dr. Crane burned his hand, and I was tending to it.

That's all.

Oh, my.

Look at the time. I've got to run.

Burn, huh?

Well, you might want to keep something cold on that.

Here.

You can hold my beer for me

while I watch the game.

Hello, Frasier.

Oh, hello, Niles. How are you?

Fine, fine...

although the oddest thing just happened.

Oh, that man on the corner's name is Pete.

If you give him a dollar, his monkey won't make

those rude gestures.

No, this is about Daphne.

I burned my hand while I was cooking,

and she began putting first aid cream on it

in a very tender way,

and then, uh, Dad came in, and she jumped

as if she felt guilty.

Is it possible Daphne has feelings for me?

No.

Ah, well, as long as you've considered it from all angles.

If she was tender, it was because you burned your hand.

If she jumped, it was because Dad startled her.

Come on, Niles, don't you see

what's really going on here?

Obviously, I haven't a clue.

I thought that man's monkey was waving hello.

Your relationship with Mel is growing deeper.

Isn't it possible that your fear of commitment

is driving your mind to throw up

these imaginary roadblocks?

You think so? Well, you do have a history of this.

Remember the day after you proposed to Maris?

You went that evening to the opera

and you were convinced that Leontyne Price

was winking at you the whole night.

I suppose there could be commitment issues here.

Cooking a meal for one's mate is a big first step.

Yes, especially for you.

I mean, Maris never let you cook for her.

That's true.

The closest I ever got was restocking

the pills in her bedside Lazy Susan.

Hey, guys. Oh, hey, Roz.

Uh, Frasier, thank you.

It's a big help.

My pleasure, Niles.

Bye.

Oh, Roz, I see the book club

has moved on toWuthering Heights.

Yes. Well...

Please tell me they made a movie out of this.

Twice.

Amen.

So, how did your date with Lorna go?

Did you get up enough nerve

to ask her to dinner?

To dinner andbreakfast.

We spent the night together.

Whoa. You went to bed with the prom queen?

Yes, and I woke up with Carrie.

She smokes, she screams, she's uncouth...

I'm actually meeting her here to break it off.

So soon? Well...

The way your love life's been going,

you may want to squeeze a couple more dates out of it.

You know... nuts for the winter?

Please, Roz, I could never do that sort of thing.

Whenever I know that I have no future with a woman,

I end it right then and there.

Especially a woman like Lorna-

recently divorced and vulnerable.

You always take the high road.

Well, you know, I'd like to think so.

If it's one thing I've learned, my old high school wounds

are not going to be healed by sleeping with the prom queen.

Tell me about it.

Prom queen, assistant principal...

You can't go home again.

Good luck.

How you doing, baby cakes?

Oh, fine.

Mm... Mm...

Thank you.

Mm.

Listen, uh, Lorna,

about tomorrow night, um...

Oh, I'm sorry.

I know we had plans, but I completely forgot.

It's the retirement dinner for Coach Pellet.

Who?

Our high school football coach.

I'd love it if you'd go with me.

Well, I-I have to be honest with you here...

Oh, come on. It'll be fun.

The old gang will be there.

The old gang, you say?

Uh-huh.

You mean, like, um...

Chip Clayton and Ladd Lundquist?

Yeah, the whole crowd.

Can you imagine the looks on their faces

when they see us walk in together?

Yes, imagine.

Oh, come on, say you'll be my date.

Well, I...

wouldn't want to let down the coach.

You know, a spoon would be nice!

Oh, everyone's inside already.

I think we're a little late.

Well, I guess we'll just have to make

a grand entrance.

After you.

Oh, no, I have to go check my makeup.

Well, uh, why tamper with perfection?

Oh, aren't you sweet?

Shall we?

Sorry.

Hello.

What now?

What? What?

My phone's cutting out.

I'm sorry. Just two seconds, sweetie.

No, you can't have a party!

Because I said so. Put your brother on.

Put your brother on. Put your...

Just-just a second, honey.

...brother on the phone!

You know what? Do what you want.

I- I'm on a date.

Sorry.

You ready?

Oh, you know what?

This hook keeps coming undone.

Right. Do you mind?

You know, I just took a look inside there.

Everybody's here,

even old Mr. Most-likely- to-succeed Chip Clayton.

Chip Clayton's a moron.

Well, you used to be rather fond of him

back in school.

Well, everybody's changed since high school...

except you.

Truly, you're...

you're still the same sweet,

decent guy you always were.

Thank you.

No, I mean it.

Believe me, I've been with enough jerks and users

to know the difference.

Let's go.

Uh, Lorna...

I can't go in there with you.

Why not?

Well, because I came here for the wrong reason-

so all the cool kids would see me

with the school's most popular girl,

and I let you believe that we had...

hopes for some sort of a future

when I know in my heart that there is none,

and... well, if you walked in there with me,

it would be as my trophy,

and I-I just can't do that to you.

I- I'm so sorry.

You...

you expect me to walk into a room

full of my ex-classmates by myself?

Like some pathetic divorc?e who couldn't scare up date

for some old jock sendoff?

I don't think so.

Lorna, I... You know, I thought

you'd be a nice rebound fling.

Get my feet wet dating again.

You don't want that? That's fine.

Wait a minute... I'll tell you what we are going to do!

You're going to take my arm,

you're going to escort me in that room,

we're going to dance, make out like freshmen,

and leave with your hand on my ass!

You got it?!

Shall we?

d Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin'd

d Tossed salads and scrambled eggs d

d Mercy d

d And maybe I seem a bit confused d

d Well, maybe, but I got you pegged d

d But I don't know what to do d

d With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs d

d They're callin' again. d

Frasier has left the building.