Original subtitles

Oh, hey, Frasi er.

Oh, hello, Roz.

Happy New Year.

Or should I say, happy new millennium.

Oh, barf.

I'm so sick of talking about it.

Oh, now, Roz, let's not condemn the new millennium

just because you woke up in it with a hangover.

That's what ruined church for you.

Decaf latte, please.

I just hate how this arbitrary point

on the calendar has become so significant.

And as far m y hangover wen t,

it was worth it.

I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey.

I see.

Well, allow me to congratulate you

on your first science-related metaphor.

Thank yo u. Mm-hmm.

And what did you do?

Get all freaky and finish your list

of the century's greatest thinkers?

No, but my new year's was plenty exciting enough,

thank you very much.

Although... not exactly in a way I'd planned.

Cancel the millennium.

Chez Henri has burned down!

Burned down?

Yes.

Apparently, Henri was caramelizing

a huge creme brulee

in the shape of Puget Sou nd

when a sugar spa rk

ignited a 30-foot papier maache space needle.

They're already calling it

the worst centerpiece disaster in the history of Seattle.

Henri built his reputation with that caramelizing torch.

My God. The irony of him burning down his own restaurant with it.

It's worthy of O. Henry.

O. Henri.

Please, Niles, it's too soon to joke.

What exactly are we going to do tomorrow night?

Every restaurant in town

worth going to has been booked for months.

Well, you know, you can join me

and the boys at McGinty's.

It's going to be a lot of fun.

They're going to dye the beer green.

Why would you do that on New Year's Eve?

Oh, well, McGinty's going in for a bypass next month,

and he's afraid he might not make it out for St. Patty's Day.

This is a disaster

No, they'll just pop in another pig valve.

You know, the only reason

he needs it is 'cause he eats so much bacon.

So the same thing that's killing him

is keeping him alive.

There's your O. Henry story.

Well, maybe we can just stay in tomorrow night.

On the most significant New Year's Eve of our lifetime?

I think not.

I should have ju st gone with Mel.

ing She and her mother are tak

oon a hot air ball

ry. through th e wine count

Well, not in the balloon, no,

but I could've followed along in the recovery vehicle.

Wait a minute.

Speaking of wine,

wasn't the wine club having some sort of a party?

Yes, at Ken Lauterbach's place in Sun Valley.

Oh, it's a huge event.

Of course! "Auld Lang Wine"!

Niles, call and see if we're still invited.

All right, I'm on it.

Bloody hell.

Five days after Christmas is over,

and I'm still getting these cards.

They do it on purpose, you know.

It's always from someone you forgot,

and then it's too late to send one back.

Then they sneer at you for the rest of the year.

"Peace and goodwill," my ass.

You just lost yourself a customer,

Dr. Naran S. Gupta, D.D.S.

Mm.

Losing a set of English teeth.

He'll feel that.

This is for you from the D.M.V.

is. Oh-ho! I k now what this

The custom pla tes I ordered for my Winnebago.

Yay!

Well, 50 bucks, but I think it says it all.

Rrrd?

Wrr... er?

Rid... worry... er?

Red wearer

Oh, for God's sake, "Road Warrior. "

Of course.

For a retired man with a cane and a Winnebago.

I don't know why my mind didn't go straight to it.

Huzzah

Hello, Daphne.

Ken says he'd lo ve to have us come,

r. and the mo re, the merrie

Oh, Niles, that's brilliant.

Dad, please, please, won't you join us?

You know what? Say, let's call the travel agent.

Not to rain on your parade,

but you may have a tough time getting flights this late.

Donny and I had a devil of a time

getting our flight to San Francisco.

, Oh, Daphne

they always set aside

a few choice seats for Seattle's travel elite.

or! Pick a Ian e, Road Warri

See?

He got it.

Hey!

Ah, being on the road like this is like

we're three dusty hoboes

sharing a boxcar to parts unknown.

Yes, well, if you don't take this next turn,

we'll end up in Californy.

Gee, Niles, you seem a little cranky.

Well, perhaps that's because I rousted out of a warm bed

at the crack of dawn and herded onto a Winnebago!

Better safe than sorry, Niles.

You know, it's 650 miles to Sun Valley,

and half of that's through the mountains.

, By the way

how are we going to explain to the wine club

our arriving in a Winnebago?

es. Just chalk it off to whimsy, Nil

We'll call it our "Van Ordinaire

ing You know, besides, I'm actually enjoy

d. this little trip through the heartlan

I feel a little bit out of touch with the common man.

It's nice to reconnect.

Well, while you're reconnecting,

why don't you let me drive?

es. I- I would, Nil

It's just that, um

I ne... I need you to navigate.

Yeah, you're the most important member of our crew, good buddy.

The man with the map.

Stop patronizing me. I want to drive.

Oh, you're not good with big cars, Niles.

Remember when I tried to teach you to drive my Le Sabre?

You kept panicking and pulling on the emergency break.

Well, it's a good thing I did.

Those mailboxes weren't even slowing me down.

Oh, did you see that sign?

Little Red Cabin. Remember those diners?

Home of the logroller: a flank steak wrapped

around a combination of eggs, cheese and onions.

You kids used to love eating there.

You'd scream out at me, "Dad, pull over!

Quick, pull over!"

Actually, Dad, tha t was after we ate.

Oh, Niles.

g. Thought you were sleepin

I was trying to,

but Dad wanted to watch the VCR.

Oh, good Lord.

NotRobin and the Seven Hoodsagain?

Worse.

Yeah, baby.

Now, that was a shagadelic flick.

You know, Dad, if you're quite done,

I think I'll try to take a nap.

Oh, behave.

You know, Dad,

e you do realize that the Austin Powers craz

is completely over

Well, I'm sorry. Do I bore you?

Or do I make you randy?

Oh...

Hello.

Yes, Niles.

n. I'm driving as smoothly as I ca

Any other little driving tips

you'd like to give me

Why don't you just come up here and tell me to my face!

Hey, look,

another Little Red Cabin sign.

You know, we're not going to find anything

better to eat on this highway.

d. Oh, let's no t be hasty, Da

It's five miles away.

We might run over something before then.

You know, I am so tired,

I can barely read this menu.

That's all right, Niles,

you don't have to read.

You can just poi nt to a picture

nt. of the food you wa

What's this?

"A logroller with your choice of cheese"?

You can't have a logroller without American cheese.

nt Apparently, you can't get anythi ng in this restaura

without American cheese. .. including the menu.

Niles, if you're so tired,

why don't you go back to the Road Warrior, take a nap?

Oh, you know, that's a good idea.

At least it'll be quiet.

I wonder if you can still get sticky shingles here.

One look at the salad bar says yes.

What looks good to you, Fras?

Well, actually, Dad,

you know, I think I'll have a hamburger.

Would you order that for me, Dad?

Yeah. You going someplace?

As a matter of fact, I am.

I'm going to take a chance and reacquaint myself

with an old friend of mine: America.

Hello there.

Could I buy you a cup of coffee?

You see, I'm just a wandering city mouse

trying to get in touch with America.

Now, you, you look like you'd be a farmer.

it. Oh, I get

You see a guy in a rural diner

wearing shab by clothes,

you pin your littl e label on him.

at? Well, guess wh

r, I am a farme

but I'm also a beautiful,

flawed, complicate d human being,

fee and it's going to take more than a cup of cof

to get inside here.

I'll just go see how my father's doing.

So, how was he

Beautiful, flawed...

unpleasant.

Well, according to the map,

it's about 300 miles to Sun Valley.

Oh, that's delightful, Dad. You know what?

We'll get there in plenty of time for the party.

Hey, listen, you know, your brother's going to be hungry.

ch. Maybe we should bring him a sandwi

I wouldn't worry about Niles, Dad.

You saw how tired he was.

Let's just let him sleep for the rest of the trip.

You su re? Oh, sure.

It's the most exciting day of the year, Dad.

For God's sakes, you know,

when Niles wakes up, I guarantee you

the last thing he'd be thinking about

is sandwiches.

Oh, my goodness.

Look what I just found in my pocket.

The lighter I borrowed

from that waitress in the restaurant.

I feel terrible.

r. Forget it, Mothe

We're not taking it back

Well, I really think we should just turn around

an-and say we're sorry and return it.

I think we ought to keep it.

Our old one's nearly out of fuel anyway.

That doesn't make it right.

We're still criminals in the eyes of the law.

s There's a lot worse criminal

than you and me.

Remember that last gun show we went to?

We must have seen

at least three different people

swiping boxes of shells.

There's one thing you can say for us

We pay for our ammo.

So, this party tonight-

going to be a lot of shagnificent birds?

Dad, I'm begging you.

Hello.

Niles, will you please stop doing this?!

y. I'm getting a little drows

Well, if you'r e so tired,

just scootch over- I'll take the wheel.

ay. MA Ok

Yes, yes, hello.

I'm being kidnapped. This is an emergency.

I'm being kidnapped.

I'm in a stolen Winnebago heading east on I-84.

I can't talk any louder. I'm being stolen.

Yes, yes. Washington plates- R- D-W-R-E-R.

Road Warrior.

Yes, it does.

It does so. Sound it out.

Never mind. Oh, for God's sake, just save me.

Oh, I'm... I'm getting too sleepy

I'm going back for a little lie down.

Okay.

k! Oh, wait , Dad, loo

There's another one of those Little Red Cabins.

Why don't we just stop and have some supper first?

'Cause I'm tired, and I'm not hungry.

Clifford.

Well, I guess a sandwich wouldn't kill me.

I feel sort of funny even stopping here.

Sort of like returning

me. to the sce ne of the cri

o. Mother, let it g

All right, Eddie.

Let's go sign nature's guest book.

Hello.

Frasier?

Yes.

Niles.

Put your fears to rest. I've got Dad's Winnebago back.

Niles, what on earth are you talking about?

You must have had a nightmare.

Uh, indeed I have.

But it's over now, and I managed to give the thugs

a taste of their own thieving medicine.

Niles!

Niles, where are you calling from?!

From behind the wheel of the Road Warrior.

And doing a damn fine job driving, I might add.

ButI'min the Road Warrior!

You got in the wrong car, you idiot!

You've stolen a Winnebago!

Oh, don't be absurd.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, my God!

All right, Niles, just keep your head!

There's no need to panic!

MAN This is the police!

Exit your vehicle immediately

with your hands above your head.

How's that turkey club, Dad?

A little dry.

Sorry about the misunderstanding.

These papers all check out, sir. Well,

ry if there's nothing else, we're in a hur

ey. to get to Sun Vall

But nottoo much of a hurry.

Well, drive safely.

u. Thank yo

What a clown.

I can tell you ten things he did wrong

right off the bat.

Well, at least he was apologetic.

Oh, these hick towns w ill give any bozo a badge.

A goober like th at wouldn't last

ten minutes in a real police force...

...without getti ng a promotion.

Your license.

Hello.

Hello, Frasier.

I've managed to solve the problem.

I returned the Winnebago.

To where? Where are you?

Well, I'm in Baker City, Oregon.

Baker City?!

Shag me rotten. That's 300 miles!

Niles, we will never get there

and then back to Sun Valley before midnight.

Well, I'm not going to ring in the new year

in a Little Red Cabin.

All right, all right. Listen.

The only way we ca n ever pull this off

is if you can catch a ride in this direction

Hold on. Hold on.

Oh, my gosh. It's engraved.

Dad, I'm not going to enjoy the rest of this trip

until we return that woman's lighter.

Mother, do you expect me to turn around

and drive 150 miles back

to that Litt le Red Cabin?

ng. We are not goi

n. End of discussio

Clifford.

Good news. I'm on my way.

k All right, Niles s ays he can make it bac

to the restaurant wher e we first got separated

All I have to do now i s turn this boat around.

30 miles to the next exit.

I can't wait that long.

Well, you can't do a U-ey on an interstate.

That's 20th-century talk, Dad.

Welcome to the future!

at! God, that felt gre

, Wow! This is reall y quite an adventure

d? isn't it, Da

w. It is no

Oh, dear God.

All right, just relax, Frasier.

Now, I know cops.

Just let me do the talking.

We'll be out of here in two minutes.

All right, Dad, let's switch.

e. Well, look who's her

You boys know what y ou did wrong back there

Yeah, yeah, I know. A U-turn.

Nope. Called me a goober.

s, Oh, Nile

I'm so sorry we're late.

Well, well, not to worry.

When you're here at the crossroads of the world,

you have the human drama to amuse you.

Well, Happy New Year, boys

Oh, yes, five minutes ago.

Everyone in the world will have a wonderful story to tell

about where they were and what they were doing

when the millennium dawned.

What isourstory?

Speeding along a lonely highway.

And you here, doing nothing.

Well, not exactly nothing.

Big Sandy let me watch the register

while she emptied the rat traps.

Hey, wait a minute

we? Where are

Well, Dad, I've never seen a picture

of the official middle of nowhere, but...

ere Yeah, yeah, yeah, but the middle of nowh

ht? Mountain Time, rig

It's still only 11:05, Pacific Time.

Which can't be more than 45 minutes from here.

ne Right. We ca n cross the li

r! and toast in the new year togethe

Dad, that's brilliant!

And there was a delightful- looking little restaurant

just across the border

Well, the guidebook said it was pretentious.

Perfect! Let's roll!

We're running out of time!

er, Well, I'm doin g my best, Frasi

but we seem to be losing power.

What is that noise?

What's wrong with the engine?

I didn't touch t he emergency brake.

When was the last time you put gas in this thing?

Me? I don't even know where the thing is

to put the gas into. MARTIN : Oh, no

I'm sorry, boys. It's dying.

I'm going to be lucky to get this off the road.

I can't stand this!

Have we so offended the millennium gods

that they will do anything to ruin this evening?

Burn down our restaurant?!

Hurl vindictive lawmen and duplicate Winnebagos

in our path to confound us?!

Wait, is that a sign?

Of course it's a sign!

It's a sign that we're cursed!

No, no, no, it i s! It's a sign!

We're entering Pacific Time Zone!

Oh, my God

We're here

We made it! We made it, oh!

Come on, Eddie. Oh, 30 seconds to spare!

t. All righ

We're rolling!

We're rolling backwards! Oh, no!

No need to panic, Frasier

We rolled back into Idaho!

Follow me!

Ten seconds.

ve! Let's look ali

Damn this foil

You can do it, Fras.

Relax and focus.

Three, two, one...

A- ha! We made it! Happy New Year!

Happy New Year

re. There we a

Well, if you ask me...

Dad. this beats a dull party.

Family, and good champagne, and a blanket of stars.

Hear, hear

Ah.

t? You know wha

ng. I think this calls for a so

dd Should auld acquaintanc e be forgot dd

dd dd And never brought to mind...

dd Should auld acquaintanc e be forgot dd

dd For auld lang syne. dd

dd Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' dd

dd Tossed salads and scrambled eggs dd

dd Oh, my dd

dd And maybe I seem a bit confused dd

dd Well, maybe, but I got you pegged dd

dd But I don't know what to do dd

dd With those tossed salad s and scrambled eggs dd

dd They're callin' again. dd

Good night, Seattle! We love you!