Original subtitles

I can't believe how cold it is in here.

Niles, the climate control is on.

It's perfectly comfortable.

Oh, really?

Touch your tongue to the seat belt.

I dare you.

I'm starting to regret I even asked you to this exhibit.

I wanted to invite Regan,

but after the disaster I made of our first date,

I just felt too ashamed to even ask.

Well, you can't avoid her forever.

She's your neighbor.

Ask her again.

What's the worst thing that could happen?

She'd ask me to stop harassing her,

which means I'd have to spend the next six months

riding in the service elevator with Guillermo

and his three-legged cat.

How is little Wobbles?

Fine.

I see what you're doing, Niles!

Listen, if you're so cold,

there is a scarf in the glove compartment.

Oh, really? I thought that's where you kept

the butter and the eggs.

Well, now it's burning up in here!

Oh... I'm just going to take this thing off.

Are you insane? No.

Well, at least wait until we've stopped.

You're going to get us killed!

Take the wheel.

I'll take the wheel, but... Frasier, stop.

No. It's almost off.

No, I mean brake! Brake!

Are you all right?

Yes.

Thank heaven your fistsoftened

the blow of the airbag.

Hurt your nose?

Yes.

That's what I figured.

Right when you came in, I said,

"That guy hurt his nose. "

So how did you, uh, you know...?

Excuse me.

Yes, hello, this is, uh, Dr. Frasier Crane here.

I was just wondering...

I filled out my paperwork about half an hour ago.

They'll call you.

We're seeing people in order of importance.

Oh, really? Well, you know, I do have my own radio show.

The importance of the injury.

Yes, of course.

Do you know- are there any plastic surgeons on call?

Oh, Niles, that's not necessary.

You can't be too careful.

It could be broken.

Don't worry- the best plastic surgeons in town

have their offices here: Dr. Rabb,

Dr. Karnofsky and Dr. Burke.

Karnofsky? Mel Karnofsky?

That's right.

Maris' plastic surgeon.

Oh.

Would you believe that charlatan

is still picking my pocket a year after my divorce?

Good Lord, for what?

Oh, for Maris' Botox injections.

You know, they use

those botulinum toxins and put it in the forehead,

and it deadens the muscles and takes away the wrinkles.

I gave it to her as a gift one year for our anniversary.

Oh, yes, probably your tenth.

That's toxins, isn't it?

Anyway, Karnofsky keeps billing me

for her follow-up injections.

Good Lord. So, you're divorced, huh?

Yes.

Me, too. I'm Phil. Hello.

14 years together.

Came home one day and...

Oh, hell, I probably shouldn't even talk about it.

Okay.

You know, Niles,

seeing as how we're here,

why don't you go find this Karnofsky

and straighten the whole thing out?

No, no, I can't leave you here injured.

That's all right, Niles, I'll be fine.

If you're sure...

I may just pay Dr. Karnofsky a visit.

You know, it really is outrageous

what these scalpel jockeys get away with-

convincing women like Maris

to spend fortunes on their exterior

when frankly, what they need

is to take a good look at the woman inside.

Right. Well, she did have one chemical peel

where you could see her kidneys for a while.

That's very funny. Off you go.

Good luck, Niles. Thank you.

Not a pretty woman,

my wife, but when she danced,

you couldn't keep your eyes off her.

You know, actually, I'm feeling a lot better.

Good-bye.

Frasier Crane.

Frasier Crane, we're ready to see you.

That's me.

Ah, Dr. Karnofsky,

I see you've finally decided

to make time for me.

Sorry. I'm from Records.

I was told to bring over Maris Crane's files.

That's this year.

Dr. Crane? Yes.

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.

Melinda Karnofsky.

Oh, uh... yes, of course. Niles Crane.

Uh...

about this billing issue...

Oh. Oh, my God, this box is filthy.

Uh, yes. The problem is

I have received

three invoices over the past six months.

Yes. I'm so sorry about that, and I...

I'm... so sorry about...

all this dust.

Do you mind?

I'll have to turn on my hepa filter.

Oh... you have a hepa...

You have a Svenson!

Yes!

They're great, aren't they?

Not to mention

impossible to get in this country.

I've tried!

Well, I once did a favor for Mrs. Svenson.

Oh, it's a long story.

I'm all ears.

So was she.

Anyway,

I've spoken to the accounting department

about your bill, and it was clearly our mistake.

Please accept my apology.

We'll take care of it.

Oh. I-I appreciate that.

Bye-bye.

Thank you. Oh...

Ooh, I like that print very much.

Hmm?

Everything all right?

I'm sorry. I just noticed a smudge on my jacket.

Well, it's barely noticeable.

You're being kind.

I got that print

at the last museum show.

Oh! I thought you looked familiar.

Uh, perhaps I've seen you there.

Oh, perhaps.

I go to all of the openings.

I'm-I'm on the museum board.

Really?

Well, congratulations.

All the exhibits this year have been...

...perfection.

Thank you.

I, uh...

I- I particularly like the Picasso.

I'm a big fan of his-his cubist period.

Oh, striking, isn't she?

Yes, I'd like to think if she'd come in here,

I could actually have helped her.

You must think I'm terribly fussy.

Yes.

Well, anyway, it was very nice meeting you.

Oh, likewise.

WOMAN Dr. Karnofsky,

Mrs. Maggarshack has a question for you

in room three.

HelenMaggarshack?

Oh, I really can't say.

Oh, right. She's finally having it removed?

Why did she wait?

I don't know.

I found '98.

Uh, actually, that's all been settled.

Uh, can you tell me...

do you know, is... is that her husband?

No. She's divorced. That's her son.

Really?

Dr. Karnofsky's so young,

she must have had him when she was a child.

Okay.

Oh! Oh, is there... is there something else?

Uh... no.

All right.

Uh, no.

Well... Yes?

Mel, uh, I was wondering, uh...

Ooh. Oh.

Uh, I, uh, uh... This is a little awkward...

Oh, thank you. I, uh, uh...

I'm not really sure how to ask... Uh...

I think I know what it is.

Uh-huh?

And you've got no reason to be nervous.

Oh, really? Yes.

Just a few quick injections,

and those nasty little wrinkles in your forehead,

they'll disappear.

Well, thatis

what you were going to ask, isn't it?

Yes.

Well, it's a very simple procedure,

although your forehead will be numb for a while.

I can fit you in at, uh, 4:30.

Oh, good.

That gives me time to do something I need to do.

Excellent.

Hello, Dr. Crane.

Hello, Daphne.

I was on my way home.

I thought I'd see how the patient was doing.

Oh, I'm fine, thank you, Niles.

You have no idea how guilty I'm feeling.

I suppose he told you it was my fist

that struck the inadvertent yet powerful blow.

So, how did things go

with the nefarious Dr. Karnofsky?

Did you give him a piece of your mind?

Actually, "he" turned out to be a "she,"

and quite a reasonable "she" at that.

Really? That's quite a turnabout.

Yes, well...

Dr. Crane, don't move. Why?

There's a mosquito.

Where? On your forehead.

Oh, get off, get off, get off.

It's already gone. Oh.

Oh, dear, it looks like it bit you.

Oh, right. Ow!

Niles, wrinkle your forehead for me, will you?

Why would I do that?

Just do it. Wrinkle your forehead.

I'm not your marionette!

You got a Botox injection!

You've got a forehead full of poison right now, don't you?

I do not!

Oh, that's strange.

The mosquito fell right out of the air dead.

What's a Botox injection?

Oh, it's a cosmetic procedure they use

to eliminate facial wrinkles.

Oh, great, my kids are having plastic surgery.

That's a nice age to get to.

I can't believe you let Maris' witch doctor

work her magic on you.

Mel... is a perfectly lovely person.

In fact, I was screwing up my courage

to ask her out on a date when she noticed

this little flaw, and I lost my nerve.

Yes... and most of the feeling in your face, as well.

Dr. Crane, look. Your picture's on the news.

Turn it up, Dad, turn it up.

After checking into the hospital

with what appeared to be minor injuries

from a fender bender,

radio psychiatrist Frasier Crane died suddenly today.

I'm sure I speak for all of us here at KYOL

when I say he will be sorely missed.

But this rain won't be missed, will it, Flip?!

Dear God!

What the hell? That's unbelievable!

Outrageous!

As it turns out, after I left the hospital,

some poor devil used my name to jump the line

and he dropped dead of a heart attack.

Oh.

I must say, it does feel a bit strange

having plunged all of Seattle-

albeit temporarily- into so much grief.

I know I'll never forget where I was

when I heard you had died.

I was out on the street,

and there was this crowd watching a television

through a department store window... Mm-hmm.

and before I knew it, we were weeping

and hugging each other... That's very amusing, Roz.

And then it began to rain,

and I had this feeling that all the angels were crying.

Yes, all right, Roz!

Hey, Roz.

Fras, did you see this?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I did.

It's my obituary.

They printed it?

Yes, they must have picked it up off the wire last night

before the news ran that correction.

Jimmy gave it to me at McGinty's.

Boy, everybody was so nice to me,

buying me beers and everything,

you know, because of the shock I went through,

thinking I'd lost my son.

Dad, what are you talking about?

You never thought I was dead.

Well, people don't have to know that.

I mean, I could have been at home

alone wondering where you were,

and I get this strange, uneasy feeling,

so I turn on the TV, and there it is...

on the screen: the face of my dead son.

I was sitting right beside you!

Well, what the hell kind of story is that? It's the truth!

Well, the truth doesn't put anything on a coaster.

Well, that's something for your scrapbook, huh?

Your own obituary.

Yes, well...

you know, frankly, it's... it's a little upsetting.

I don't think they meant to be insulting.

Youare"lovably pompous. "

Well, no, it's not that.

Not that. It's just, you know, seeing my life

in black and white.

It just all looks a little... incomplete.

What do you mean?

Well, I was going to do so much with my life.

I was going to write a novel and run for public office.

I was going to do my own translation of Freud.

Well, what's stopping you? You're not actually dead.

I guess you're right, Roz.

I'm not dead, am I?

You know, maybe that's a good way

of looking at this, actually.

More of a-a wake-up call.

Dr. Crane, I was so relieved

to hear that you were all right.

Oh, thank you. I heard the news

and I thought, "What a shame.

Why, he is such a young man. "

That's so nice of you. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

God, you know, you're right.

What am I doing frittering away my day here

in this coffee house?

You know what? I've got things to do.

I've got fresh worlds to conquer.

I'm going to go out there and grab life by the scruff.

Look out, destiny, here I come.

Oh, well, it's really coming down out there.

What happened to your clothes?

Did you spill something on yourself?

Oh, no, no. I'm-I'm going jogging later.

No need to be sarcastic.

Just give me the clothes, and I'll do another load.

No, I'm serious, Daphne.

I plan to go running

just after I finish my obituary.

You see,

it's a self-actualizing exercise.

You see, you write your obituary the way you'd like it to appear

years from now, of course,

and then it helps you to focus your goals.

You see, here they are- all my hopes and dreams.

These are dreams, all right.

"Dr. Crane came late to athletics.

"He became a fixture in the Seattle marathon,

"the America's Cup Yacht Race

as well as the Kentucky Derby. "

A jockey at your size?

You better start writing an obituary for the horse.

Very amusing, Daphne.

I meant as a stable owner.

Hey, Fras, what'd you do,

spill something on your clothes?

No, no, I'm going jogging later.

Well, there's no need to get sarcastic about it.

I'm serious, Dad.

I mean, I have to start somewhere

if I plan to run a marathon.

Oh! We got a new basket?

Hickory Farms.

Yeah, that one came this afternoon.

Dad, we agreed we were going to send back

all the condolence baskets intact.

Yeah, I know, I know...

but, you know, if a can of pecans falls out

here and there, who's going to notice?

Oh, by the way, guess who I ran into?

That friend of yours from next door, Regan.

Really? Yeah.

You know, she was pretty relieved

to hear you weren't dead.

I don't know, maybe there's still something going on there.

Oh, I don't know, Dad.

I'd like to believe that,

but I'm just too much of a realist.

Tell that to the two million people a year

who visit Frasierland.

It's a Web site.

It teaches children about psychiatry.

Hey, Dad, I can't stay.

I just realized

I think I left my cell phone here last night.

Oh, yeah, I did see it somewhere.

Let's have a look.

Hey, why are you wearing running clothes?

He won't tell us.

Oh, here it is.

It was buried back here underneath all these baskets.

Oh, Daph, look what you did!

Rooting around in there, you poked a hole

right through this Hickory Farms basket!

We can't send it back now.

Thank you, Daphne.

Niles?

Yeah.

Is that a bandage sticking out of your shirt?

Oh, where?

Well, right there.

Oh, yes.

I- I cut myself shaving.

What, on the back of your neck?

You went to see Karnofsky again, didn't you?

Yes, I did.

I... I was going to ask her out again,

but I-I got all flustered when I... I caught her staring

at this grotesque carbuncle.

Carbuncle? You mean that minuscule mole of yours?

Well, to you.

I- I've always been self-conscious about it.

I've made many a hasty wine selection

because I felt the sommelier staring down...

Oh, Niles, please.

Why don't you just knock this off?

Isn't it time you just asked the woman out?

Frasier, I-I'm-I'm just waiting until the moment's right.

Like you did with Daphne?

Oh, Niles, I am sorry.

It's just that...

I'd like to see you do this

while I can still pick you out of a crowd.

You know, I've got tickets

for the opera tonight.

Why don't you ask her to join you?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, come on.

Take a cue from me.

I am completely reinventing myself.

You know what- if I can learn a new language

and-and climb mountains and write a best-seller,

well, then surely you can ask this woman out.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a marathon to train for.

Oh!

Are you all right, Fras?

I'm fine.

Wh-what happened?

Well, I think he tripped on one of these baskets.

Well, did you break anything?

I don't think so.

Because, you know, if you broke it,

there's no point in sending this one back, either.

Oh, dear God.

Hey, look at you.

Oh, they gave you a sweet one.

All shiny, no scuffs.

Still has that new cane smell.

If you play your cards right,

I might let you take it for a spin around the lobby,

all right?

So, what'd they say?

Oh, just a little sprain.

It's going to take a couple of weeks.

You know, I guess I'm going to have to rethink

my life's plan a bit.

Oh, you're going to be doing all this stuff?

Well, of course, Dad. Why wouldn't I?

Oh, I don't know, it just seems all so complicated.

The first one you tried was kind of a bust.

Yes, all right. Well, you know what?

I've just got to scale things back a little bit,

set my sights on more attainable goals.

Well, for instance, here.

"Visit South America. "

That's in.

"Discover the lost treasure of the Incas. "

That's out.

"Take up rafting. "

That's in.

"Retrace Lewis and Clark's route. "

That's out.

And this perpetual motion stuff-

all this can go.

Daphne!

Oh, no, she's out for the whole evening.

You're going to have to get it yourself.

Oh, all right.

Come on, let's see

how that thing handles the corners.

Come on, open her up!

Oh... Oh!

Frasier, I'd like you to meet Dr. Mel Karnofsky.

Well, I can't tell you what a pleasure this is.

Hello.

I believe you have

some opera tickets for us?

Yes, I do.

Oh, uh, Mel, this is my father, Martin.

Oh, hello.

Hi. How are you? Here we are.

Oh, thank you. We're very grateful for this.

Niles and I happen to be such huge fans of Puccini.

Speaking of which,

here's our own little pooch-ini.

Oh, well! Oh, well!

You're a darling! Yes!

Oh, he's wonderful.

Yes.

Oh...

So, where are you two having dinner?

Bel Canto.

We have a table on the terrace.

The terrace?

Well, I didn't know they had a terrace.

Really? Oh, well, I guess you have to know the owner.

But we'd better be going.

I've pre-ordered our chocolate souffl?s,

and they'll be ready at 7:30 precisely.

Well, off you go, then.

Just remember, Niles,

nothing puts on love handles

faster than chocolate souffle.

Oh, well, you know,

no one takes them off faster than I do.

That's... that's very funny.

Lovely meeting you.

Well, she seems a bit much.

What do you mean?

Well, you know, picking the restaurant,

dining on the terrace.

"You have to know the owner. "

Doesn't she remind you of someone?

Yeah. You.

I was talking about Maris.

Oh, come on.

Don't you think you're overreacting

a little bit?

I mean, Niles sure seems happy.

Oh, I guess you're right, Dad.

Besides, I've got a lot

to accomplish this evening.

I'm going to start on my Russian language tapes.

What? What is it, Dad?

What? Nothing.

What? Don't you think I can do any of these things?

No, I think you can do anything you put your mind to, Frasier.

You always have.

Thank you, Dad.

I just wonder about all these projects.

Well, as I said, I am streamlining.

You know, I think what you discovered this week

was that something's missing from your life,

and before you start to fill it up

with everything but the kitchen sink,

I thought you ought to just ask yourself,

"What do I really want?

What is really going to make me happy... now?"

Well, that's weird.

I suddenly feel like having a beer.

Regan, it's me, Frasier.

d Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin'd

d Tossed salads and scrambled eggs d

d Quite stylish d

d And maybe I seem a bit confused d

d Well, maybe, but I got you pegged d

d But I don't know what to do d

d With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs d

d They're callin' again. d

Good night!