Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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Now, bear in mind, Meadows,

I'm leaving everything in your care.

Be sure that the person who rents my house is reliable.

A person you can trust.

BOTH: Yes, sir.

- Very good. Well, goodbye. - BOTH: Goodbye, Colonel.

And don't forget to tell me--

Thank heaven he's gone.

South Africa has my sympathy.

(EXCLAIMING)

(CUCKOO SOUND)

What's the matter?

Say, Kelly, did you see a couple of bozos run this way?

Sure. A couple just went in there. What's wrong?

Trying to make a hotel out of the city park.

They even put a couple of benches together

so that they could have twin beds.

- Oh, yeah? - Yes.

And when I told them to move on,

the little fella tips his hat and said, "Yes, ma'am."

That's what I'm sore about.

(LAUGHS)

He's gone. Come on, let's get out of here.

Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.

Yes, ma'am.

Come on, let's reconnoitre.

(GASPS)

Shh.

(WHISTLES)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

MAID: Now, are you sure you have everything?

BUTLER: Oh, certainly, I've got everything.

Would you get a move on before we miss that boat?

MAID: Oh, all right. BUTLER: Oh, come on, hurry up.

- Get a move on. Get a move on. - MAID: All right, coming.

But, listen, do you really think it's safe for us to go away like this

and leave this place until Monday?

Oh, sure. The colonel won't be back for at least six months.

And what's the difference if we rent the house today or next week?

- It's the same. - MAID: All right. Go on, go on.

You're always ready to start an argument. Come on, hurry up.

Oh, and you're always blaming me.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(GASPS)

Get out here. Come on.

Let's go out the side window.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Close the drapes.

(GROANING)

(RATTLING LOUDLY)

(BOTH WHIMPERING)

- Well, this must be the place. - It's perfectly ripping.

- It reminds me of old England-mere. - It's just the thing.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Is it the cops?

Who is this Colonel Buckshot? What's he like?

MAN: I haven't the slightest idea. I never met the old dear.

WOMAN: Oh, I do hope he rents us the place.

(WHISPERING) It's somebody to rent the place.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

- What'll we do? - "Do"?

Just use your brains.

You put on the butler's clothes and tell them the colonel is not home.

It's simple.

- Yes, but if they don't... - Come on!

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Wait. Wait, Ambrose. I think I hear someone coming.

Is this the home of Colonel Wilburforce Buckshot?

Yes, sir.

Well, uh, I understand this place is for rent.

Is it? I mean, it is, yes.

(LAUGHING)

Of course it is.

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

I am Lord Leopold Plumtree. My card.

Hey.

The colonel isn't home. You'll have--

- You wish to see the colonel? - (CHUCKLES) Why, I'd love to.

Colonel Buckshot!

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, Ollie, uh, Colonel Buckshot!

Wait there.

Colonel Buckshot!

(WHISTLES)

What it is, Hives?

Lord Appletree. He wants to rent a room.

No, no, my dear fellow. Plumtree. Plumtree.

Lord Leopold Plumtree.

And I want to rent the entire house.

Show then to the solarium.

I'll be right down.

This way, sir.

(SIGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Good morning. Many, many, many good mornings.

Have I the pleasure of addressing Colonel Wilburforce Buckshot?

None other. Colonel Buckshot at your service.

I'm Lord Leopold Plumtree.

- Delighted. - My wife.

Charmed.

(LEOPOLD LAUGHING)

My wife and I have just returned from our honeymoon.

(LEOPOLD GIGGLES)

The hotel being full, my dear little wife suggested

that we rent a furnished home.

- You understand. - HARDY: Yes, yes, yes.

So we should like to take possession immediately.

Nothing would give me greater pleasure.

Oh, besides the butler, you have maid service?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

I'd like to see the maid, please.

Just a moment.

Oh, Hives, will you call Agnes?

- Who? - Call Agnes.

Oh, Agnes!

Pardon me just a moment.

Shh.

What'd you wanna tell them the colonel was home for?

I couldn't help it.

You got me into this mess and need to get me out of it!

- What do you mean? - Go put the maid's clothes on

- and we'll get rid of them! - I'm not going to put--

(CLEARS THROAT)

What a lovely piano.

- It is beautiful, isn't it? - Do you play, Colonel?

Well, uh, yes and no.

Oh, do wrangle us a selection.

Well, I'll try.

(FINGERS SNAPPING)

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, I say! I say!

I beg your pardon, Lord Figtree.

Plumtree. Plumtree. Lord Leopold Plumtree.

My card.

Oh! A thousand pardons. My mistake.

(LAUREL WHISTLES)

Pardon me. It must be the postman.

What do I do with these?

Put them on. You wear them.

Oh, do you play anything else, Colonel?

Oh, yes. I'm very efficient at croquet,

Parcheesi and billiards.

Oh!

- You have a billiard room? - Oh, sure, sure.

I should love to see it.

Quite certainly.

If you just follow me.

- Pardon me, my dear. - All right, darling.

- Agnes will be right down. - Thanks, Colonel.

Come.

The billiard room... (CHUCKLES)

Um, right upstairs.

Now, right this way.

There's a beautiful, old masterpiece.

(CHUCKLES)

What is the title of that piece of art?

- Physic at the Well. - Oh, I see.

- The billiard room. - Oh, yes, the billiard room.

Uh, that chair is an old heirloom.

There's a picture I must show you.

Uh, that's a gondola going through the Panama Canal.

In Venice.

(EXCLAIMS)

(HUMMING)

Now to the billiard room.

- The billiard room. - Yes.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Agnes, meet your new master, Lord Flagpole Crabtree.

Plumtree. Plumtree. Lord Leopold Plumtree.

- My card. - That's right.

Pardon me, are you of any relation to the butler?

Oh, yes, yes, they're twins.

You see, one was born in Detroit, the other in Mee-a-mee.

I don't quite understand.

Oh, that's all right. Neither do they.

- Agnes, you may go. - Yes, sir.

Oh, Agnes, when you see my wife, give her my regards.

Yes, sir.

(CRASHING)

Let's go to the billiard room.

(CLANGING)

LADY PLUMTREE: Oh, Agnes.

So you're Agnes?

Yes, ma'am.

(CLOTH TEARS)

My, what a striking resemblance between you and the butler.

Yes, ma'am. You see, I'm twins.

How remarkable.

(LAUGHS)

I'd like to find out a few details regarding the house.

- Yes, ma'am. - Tell me, Agnes,

- how long have you been here? - About a half an hour.

Uh, oh... (GIGGLES)

How silly of me.

I'm so nervous. I mean, a half a year.

To be exact, three months.

How many bedrooms are there?

- I haven't looked yet. You see... - You haven't looked yet?

Oh, I'm still nervous. Isn't that silly of me?

Bedrooms. Now, let me see. Of course, there must be bedrooms.

Fancy a house without bedrooms.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

That's silly. Let me see now.

There's mine and the master's, and master's and mine.

That's four.

Uh, not forgetting the couch in the hall.

- Then there's... - (LAUGHS) No, no, no, no.

There's the master's and yours. That's two.

Oh, yes, how silly.

Uh, two. Oh, and then there's the nursery.

- The nursery? - Yes, ma'am.

Why? I didn't understand the Colonel was married.

Oh... Oh!

No, of course. He has that in case of accidents.

Accidents?

Oh, no, no. You misunderstood me, didn't you? (LAUGHS)

Isn't that silly?

He has that in case of accidents to any of the help around the house.

A sort of a kind of a hospital.

- Oh, how noble of him. - Isn't it?

Oh, right.

Tell me, Agnes, how many maids does the colonel keep?

Oh, he never tells me his private affairs.

Private affairs?

Why? Servants aren't private affairs.

Oh, some of them are.

You see, I'm the only one left at present.

The others left last week.

They had housemaid's knees.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Agnes, wouldn't you like to stay on with us?

Huh?

Oh, now don't disappoint me. Say that you will.

You'll be such a comfort to me.

My husband will be away most of the time.

Oh, say that you will.

Oh, go on.

(LAUGHS)

Ah. At last I have found it, Lord Appletree.

Plumtree, my dear fellow. Plumtree.

My card.

Plumtree, Plumtree, Plumtree.

I'm awfully sorry.

Now, what did I do with that billiard room?

(LEOPOLD GIGGLES)

That's quite all right, old fellow. I never play anyway.

Leopold Ambrose. Leopold!

- Are you quite satisfied, darling? - Oh, perfectly, my dear.

And what good news I have for you.

With the Colonel's permission,

Agnes has considered to stay on with us.

Why, nothing would please me better.

She's been in my service since boyhood.

I mean girlhood.

(NOISY GIGGLING)

Now, dear, would you return to the depot and attend to our trunks

while I go over the final details with dear old Buckie?

Quite right, Plumie.

- Come, Agnes, see me off. - Yes, ma'am.

You're such a dear.

(GIGGLES)

Oh, Agnes, call me a cab.

- Huh? - Call me a cab.

You're a cab.

On the telephone!

(LEOPOLD GIGGLES)

Are you quite sure we can take immediate possession?

Oh, absolutely.

I'm leaving in a few minutes.

- It won't be long now. - Wonderful.

What's the rental fee?

Uhh...

- Will $20 a month be too much? - Twenty dollars a month?

Yes.

Why, that's practically giving it away, Colonel.

Well, I picked it up for practically nothing myself.

What a beautiful car. Is it for sale?

HARDY: It could be purchased.

Oh, by the way, Colonel, have you any horses?

I'm sorry. I've just shipped all of my horses

to my plantation in Kentucky.

Kentucky? What part of Kentucky do you come from, Colonel?

Omaha. Dear old Omaha.

I thought Omaha was in Wisconsin.

About Agnes' salary.

Oh, don't worry about that. That isn't due until next month.

Agnes, call Hives.

- Huh? - Call Hives.

Oh, Hives!

Pardon me just a moment.

(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

Hives will be right down.

- Cigarette, Colonel? - Thank you.

Uh, won't you have one?

Hmm.

Now, my dear Plumtree. I think that covers everything.

Yes, I think so, Colonel.

I shall add it up and give you a cheque for same.

- Very good, very good. - Two, three, four,

dot, carry the one, two...

Ah, there you are Hives.

- Hives, what is your salary? - Oh, pardon me just a moment.

Oh, by the way, Hives, what is your day off?

- Tuesday. - Tuesday?

Why, today is Tuesday.

However, I shan't alter conditions. You may have your day off.

Oh, and by the way, on your way out, tell Agnes I want to see her.

Tell Agnes he wants to see her.

Colonel, you're a very easy man to do business with.

(CHUCKLES) So they've told me.

You see, the last the deal we had... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Just a minute. I forgot to pack my bow and arrow.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, Agnes.

Uh, that's my cab.

Get my hat and coat and go to the door.

Who do you think I am?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Well, goodbye, Plumie.

- Pleasant journey, Colonel. - Thank you.

Thank you.

What's this?

- You wish to see Colonel Buckshot? - What?

Why, nothing would suit me better.

Colonel Buckshot!

- Uh, pardon me. - Just a moment, Colonel.

- Your cheque. - Ooh, that's all right.

Just mail it to me to South Africa.

Uh...

Did you wish to see me?

- So, you're Colonel Buckshot? - At your service.

- The last of the Kentucky Buckshots. - Oh.

Then who do you think I am?

Don't tell me. Let me guess.

Now, just a moment. I'll get it.

Now, where have I seen that face before?

Now, let's see. Let's see.

Oh, you... No, no, no, that's isn't it.

It's... No, it isn't either.

- Now wait just a minute. I'll get it. - (WHISPERS) Hey.

That's all right, I'll get it.

You just wait a second now.

Don't tell me, Agnes. I'll get it.

I'll get it right out of here. Just a moment. Now...

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

- I know who you are. - Mmm-hmm.

You're Colonel Buckshot.

(LAUGHING)

Right you are.

(GROANS)

Police, help! Officers! Police! Burglars!

(BOTH WHIMPERING)

(CHUCKLES)

Pardon me. Come, Agnes.

Yes, sir.

- Who are you? - Do you wish to see Colonel Buckshot?

He's in there.

And who do you think I am?

I haven't the slightest idea. Get out of my house.

- Oh, God save the King! - (GUNSHOT)

- Help! Help! Help! - What's going on? Come on, boys.

What's wrong?

The burglars are in there!

- Burglars? - That's right.

(MIMICS DONKEY BRAYING)

(WHINNIES)

(BRAYING)

Give him room!

Ow! Ow!

(GUNSHOTS)

- (GUNSHOTS) - Halt!

- (GUNSHOT) - (SCREAMING)

Stop them!

Stop!

(GUNSHOTS)

(BELL RINGING)

Subtitles (English SDH): Deluxe

English - SDH

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