All language subtitles for All.About.Nina.2018.HDRip.XviD.AC3-EVO-HI

Subtitles by explosiveskull

[man] Here's the thing about
living with all women.

There's constant
crying in the house.

And they hate it
when I do that.

It's like, first of all, you
know what I'm going through.

All right, you guys ready
for your first comedian?

Let me hear it.

Please give it up
for Nina Geld!

[Nina] It's incredible, the things
us women could be getting done

if we weren't always
defending ourselves

from men trying to fuck us

- all the time.
- [laughter]

Peace between Israel
and Palestine,

or Syria, or Saudi Arabia,
or whatever.

We could have fixed that
a long time ago,

but a bunch of dudes that just
couldn't stop thinking about

fucking that hot
Israeli translator.

Just fuck!

When I think about all the amazing
things men could have accomplished,

if you weren't just trying
to fuck us all the time.

You've made a breakthrough.

You're about to find
the cure of cancer.

But, ah, you just wanna
fuck your lab assistant.

Fuck!

Did you know, that's why we
haven't found a cure for cancer?

It's because of
fucking lab assistants.

[audience laughs]

You ready to see
a cool comic?

This is fucking bullshit.

Fucking girl comic.

Why do I wanna fuck her?

[laughter]

Because you always
want to fuck her.

Remember that time you were
supposed to help your friend Jamie

with her AP biology test,

but you fucked her instead?

She failed that test.

Instead of graduating,
getting her doctorate

and going on to
solve the energy crisis,

she lives with her mother now
and manages a Lids.

[laughter]

That's on you.

That's on you and
your dumb, dumb dick.

Okay. I know I'm not supposed to
talk about my pussy on stage,

because men never
talk about their dicks,

but here's the thing.

I bleed through my pussy
every month.

In fact, I'm... I'm bleeding
through my pussy right now.

On stage.

And here's something else
you probably don't know.

Just before I get my period
every month,

and over the next
day or two,

I get diarrhea.

[laughter]

I do. And I'm not
the only one either.

It happens to a lot
of us women.

- Okay?
- [woman] Whoo! Yeah.

When I go to the bathroom and I'm done
shitting liquid while I check Facebook,

I look down, it's like a scene
from fucking Saving Private Ryan.

It's just like
a massacre in there.

But weirdly no men.

No Matt Damon,
just the all female reboot.

I read there's
a German word for it.

"Bloodshitza."

I bet in Canada
the National Health Service

gives you a fucking day off
for bloodshitza.

Oh, no!

Oh, no. Stay home,
watch some hockey

and just shit that blood out.

Nina Geld, everybody.

She's horny as fuck, right?

Give it up for
our next comic, Mike Hall.

[Mike] Nina Geld.
Round of applause for her.

[audience claps]

I'm supposed to say, like, she's
really funny, but she's hot.

She's red smoking,

oh, my God, take you
out of your game hot,

and I want to fuck her.

She can put me
in a dungeon, tie me up,

and play Phil Collins,

and I would
still be bonerific...

[laughter]

Murderer.

When are you gonna fuck me?

Like, this dance is stupid.

Lose some weight, you fat fuck.
Look at yourself.

If I lose weight
you'll fuck me?

'Cause I'll lose...
I'll lose weight.

You know why I will
really never fuck you, Mike?

It has nothing to do with your weight.
You know why?

No, it has everything to do
with my weight.

I'm a big, fat fuck.

It's because there's not a single
original bone in your body.

I'd like to put an original
bone in your body.

Have fun jacking off
to me tonight, right?

Jacking off to you is gonna
be the best part of my night.

You're filthy.

You are filthy
when I jack off to you.

♪♪

[people chatting]

We're not driving.
We're taking the Uber chopper.

Have you guys checked
that out yet?

Look, man. It should be a good weekend.
It gets a little wild.

Uh...

Hi. Wanna buy me
a drink?

You're, uh...
You're forward.

Well, you make more than me,
so it's only fair.

Well, what do you do?

I'm a comedian.

You're a comedian?

So then of course
you'll tell me a joke?

Hmm. No.

No? Well, I don't know
if I want to buy you a drink

if you're not gonna
tell me a joke.

Do you wanna
just go, then?

Do I want to?

Let's go.

Yeah, okay.

So, is this whole, like,
cougar thing common for you?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Did you just say... Did you just use...
Oh, God.

No, did I say that?

- Did you just say cougar?
- No, I didn't.

How am I a cougar?

I swear, I'm like
three years older than you.

[both speaking indistinctly]

- Jesus Christ, Joe.
- Who is this guy?

Hey, who the fuck
is this guy?

Who am I?
Who are you, man?

Jesus... How did you
get in here?

- No...
- What are you...

It doesn't matter
who he is, okay?

Okay. Uh...
I'm gonna go.

- Stay.
- You should fucking leave.

Uh...

Hey, Ken.

I asked you to come up here,
and I want you to stay. Okay?

Okay. Uh, it's Cy actually...

Cy. Fine.

Looks like you already
got a Ken.

That works out.
That's great.

So I'm gonna sit
this one out.

She'll be fine.

Look at that.
You'll be fine.

Works out perfectly.

Good night.

I'm taking these. So...

Thanks a lot, asshole.

Hey, hey.

Fucking shit!

[Joe] Fuck! Jesus Christ!

Fuck! Goddammit!

Fuck! Nina!

God!

Uh...

I'm gonna call you.

Please don't.

[Nina] I hear about these set-ups
people do for one another.

It doesn't work for me.

The last significant
relationship I had,

if you can call it that,
was with this guy.

If you can call him that.

Joe.

I got a call from a friend one morning.
She's been raped.

That's not the funny part.

That part was real.

So I go with her
to the cops.

And it's, you know,
not a warm room.

Bunch of old, bloated
white guys being like,

"Well, if you don't
remember nothing,

how do you know
you was raped?"

Woman's intuition.

'Cause my vagina's
blown to pieces.

I swear. If men were
raped as much as women,

there'd be an automatic
death penalty for rapists.

So we gotta go
to The Bronx.

And in walks Joe.

Joe, the guy I mentioned.

He's a breath of
fresh air at this moment,

and just the kind of asshole
I like to ride.

Will you go down
on me, Joe?

- What?
- Will you go down on me?

Yeah. Fuck, yeah.
Of course, I will.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So he drives us to The Bronx,
and he's chatty in the car,

and once he knows
I'm in the business

he starts talking about films.

He's been an extra
for Marty,

he's done comedy,
blah, blah, blah.

As we get out
of the car,

I kid you not,

just as I'm about to take my
friend in for her rape test,

he hands us his headshot.

What do I like
about him?

Nothing.

No, I'm with him
because I'm a fuck up.

He's a joke.

A walking stereotype.
So am I.

What's going on?

[Nina] At least he's hot.

Fucks me right.

So who cares?

And yes, he hits me.
He's a cop. Duh.

I don't mind it.

It keeps me from falling
asleep during sex.

Thank you.

Good night.

I'll just be a minute.

Can I help you?

[child speaking indistinctly]

Hey, get back here!

Kids, hold on a second.

At least man up to it,
you slut.

Hey!

Hello.

He do that to your face?

'Cause I'm about to
punch you.

I just wanted
to make sure you knew.

Just wanted to make sure
you knew.

Of course, I fucking know.
He's my husband.

You think I'm some
kind of idiot?

He's my husband.
We got two kids.

Well, maybe you can keep
your fucking husband in line.

Okay? 'Cause he keeps
showing up,

and I can't stop fucking him.

So, please!

Do something about it,

'cause I can't fucking
take it anymore.

Then fucking leave.

Maybe I will.

Yeah, good. Go.

Get the hell
off my property.

[man over phone]
Hey, Nina. You still there?

Yeah, I'm still on hold.

Sorry, I don't have her right now.
Can we try you back?

No, I don't want her
to call me back.

I want her to get on the phone
whenever she's done taking a shit

or whatever it is
she's doing.

- You wanna stay on the line?
- Yeah.

- Okay, please hold.
- Thank you.

Hey, ducky, ducky.

Hey...

You guys got agents, too?

[man] Hey, Nina.
You're on. Carrie.

Hello? Carrie?
Hey.

[Carrie] Nina, please don't
be rude to my assistant.

I wasn't taking a shit.

I was on another call. That's what I do.
It happens.

Yeah, yeah. I get it.
Listen, um...

Can I still audition
for Comedy Prime?

Oh, my God.

I mean...

I guess you can audition.

But Larry is still gonna
have to see you do stand-up.

That's what he does, okay?

He hates New York though. He's
not gonna go there. He hates it.

Yeah. I'm, um...

I'm moving out there.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm moving to LA.

So can you book me
shows there or what?

I guess.
But I don't know.

Are you gonna show up, or are
you just gonna fuck the doorman

like you did last time?

No, I mean, I'm...

I'm serious this time.

It's not gonna be easy.

- I know.
- It's gonna be lots of hurdles.

Yeah.

You promise me
that you're gonna show up?

I... I promise.

Okay. Well...

I will see what I can do.

Goodbye.

[Debora] Oh, my goodness. Honey.

I missed you so much.

[Amy] Oh, my gosh. Is that Nina?

- Oh, hey, Amy.
- Oh, Debora, look at that.

Oh, my gosh.

Hi!

I'm Amy. I'm your
mother's best friend.

I've lived right over here
for years.

Yeah, I know you, Amy.

[all clamoring]

She hasn't
moved there yet.

Oh, everybody's so tan,
and they run.

Amy, do you remember we
had a conversation

- just about this?
- Yes, I do.

Okay, good.

Why don't I bring over some wine?
What do you prefer?

[Debora] Amy, bring the wine
over after Nina's gone.

You've got her for a little while.
Treasure her.

Mom.

Mom. Mom, I'm hungry.

- Good, Mom.
- Oh, John.

You looking for some food?

You are so sweet.

It's yummy, so there's no leftover.
I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry!

Hi. Mom, hi.

I'm here.
I came to visit you.

I'm so glad you're here.

So what do you think, Mom?

You're gonna come
visit me in LA?

I think you are gonna have
a great life out there.

It is gonna be
so fantastic.

I put a little something
together for you,

for your trip to LA.

It's a list.

[clears throat]

Of plumbers.

You know,
just in case you need one

where you're staying
if there's no hot water.

It's always good to know.

It's from Angie's list, so they're very...
They're reputable.

So they're good.
They're reputable.

Yeah, thank you.

I know what I wanted to
talk to you about.

I know you're not gonna
lie this, but,

Amy's parents,
they live in LA.

You know,
they're from New Jersey.

They're also Jewish.

They will take care of you.

I'm staying at my agent's
friend's house.

So I'm fine.

Nina, this means
it's gonna happen.

You are gonna be
on Comedy Prime.

This is so exciting!

They have got to hire you.
You are so fanta...

Do you want me to call them for you?
'Cause I will.

Yeah, Mom.
Give 'em a call.

Call 'em up.

You should be on that show.

[man on radio]
Blue skies, muted gold...

[man singing in Spanish]

[GPS] 0.6 miles.

Continue straight.

It's huge.

Turn left.

Turn left.

Right.

Turn right.

You have reached
your destination.

[music continues]

You must be Nina.

Carrie told me
you were coming.

I'm Lake.
My pronouns are she/her.

Sorry. I'm Mexican, and we
don't do the hand thing.

We kiss.

Come here.

Oh!

Come in. I'm gonna
show you the house.

Come.

This place is beautiful.

Thank you.

It's built around that tree
there and the rocks.

As soon as I saw it,
I knew I had to live here.

I used to live on the west side,
but it was too wavy.

I need trees around me.

Hills, roots.

I'm water based,
so I need the balance.

I'm whiskey based,
so that's more my thing.

I feel your energy tired.

Well, I am tired.

So it makes sense
that my energy would be.

What are you doing?

Reiki.

It's so good that you're here.

[sighs] Come, Nina.

- This is gonna be your room.
- Oh, wow.

- If you like it.
- It's fantastic.

[Lake] This is gonna be great.

Our fears are gonna sink.

It's gonna be really good.

I love Carrie.
Don't you love her?

Yeah. Well, I mean,
sometimes more than others.

She read my first book
when it was just a manuscript.

I mean, into
the cherry blossom cycle.

- Oh, so you're a writer?
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. My 12th book
is coming out next week.

You're into...
Is it Prime...

Comedy Prime, right?

I'm just auditioning.

I gotta come up with material
and stuff, so...

That's so retro.

Hey, I just wanna say
thank you

for putting me up
and everything.

It's really, really cool.
Thank you.

Of course.
Not a problem.

But I do have to
ask you a favor.

I'm organizing this
fundraiser thing tonight,

and my girlfriend is
not in town.

Can you help me
set it up?

Oh, um, I...

You know, I gotta shave.
I gotta wax and...

I should probably.

You wax?

You don't?

No.

- Come everyone. Sit down.
- [ringing bell]

Welcome, children.

Thank you for
honoring yourself

by coming here tonight.

My name is Geronimo,
but you can call me Smoky.

What is this, now?

The circle of truth.

Thank you for donating
your time

and your material possessions

to our Topanga Cat Sanctuary.

Cat?

Stay open.

Now, I'd like to begin

by going around the circle

and stating one instance
in which

you saw something
you shouldn't have seen.

This one time,
I saw my girlfriend

shoot up heroin,

and I didn't stop her.

Thank you.

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not doing this.

No, no, no.

Okay, look.
This isn't for everybody.

All right? I don't need to sit
in a circle to own my truth.

I own my truth already.

It's right in here,
just giving me heartburn.

That's beautiful, Nina.

In my 20s, I got into a horrible
argument with my mother.

I called her
a worthless bitch.

She died the next day.

[sobs] And I've never
forgiven myself.

Thank you, Fred.

Um, but the exercise was

one thing you
shouldn't have seen.

[Fred] Oh.

I saw my father
hit my mother.

Thank you.

No. No.

No fucking way. Sorry.

Nina...

[Nina] Yeah...

[Smoky] Lake, some birds
weren't meant to be caged,

but we should still thank them
for their presence.

[Nina] It just feels like
people get off on it.

Sharing all this personal stuff
and then just

moving on.

I'd love to see your stand-up.

Okay. Okay.

I hear you.

I'm truthful on stage,
but I'm not...

I saw my father hit my mother,
too, when I was a kid, Lake.

- I'm sorry.
- Don't...

See? No, don't do that.

Don't feel sorry for me.

- Okay?
- Okay, okay.

You just sound like you
want to have control over...

...everything.

Yeah, that's what art is.

You know, you create
something so that

it has the effect that you
want it to have on others.

Um...

No.

You can't control
every reaction.

You don't know exactly
how people feel.

No, I know if people are
laughing, or if my joke bombed.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to bother you.

It didn't bother me, okay?
It didn't.

It made me sad.

Oh, it affected you.

[blender whirring]

What is it?

Cordyceps, reishi and maca.

- Is it alive?
- [chuckles]

It's a super endocrine.

Want some?

You know you're still
gonna die, right?

Try it.

- [mouse squeaking]
- [screaming]

What, what, what? What?

[screaming and shuddering]

[panting]
It's a mouse.

I have mouse-phobia.

If I move,
will it kill me?

No.

It's just a tiny rodent.

- Don't make fun of me.
- No, no, no. I'm not.

I respect phobias. Okay?

All right?
Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna open the door,

gonna let the mouse out.

Come on.

[screams]

- It's gone.
- [speaks indistinctly]

I don't know what
the fuck you're saying,

but I'm sensing
your energy...

[Lake gibbers]

...tells me you may have
shit your pants.

Thank you so much for
letting me stay here, Nina.

No problem.

[people clapping]

Dating, dating, dating,

dating, dating...

Oh, my God.
It's so boring.

It's such a boring thing
to talk about.

Like, how many comics
have forged careers

just talking about dating?

I guess that's what's
expected of me,

like, as a girl comic.

You wanna hear about
all the embarrassing stories.

Like that time I had
spinach in my teeth,

or my dress got stuck
in my underwear,

my tampon fell out
mid-kiss,

or he was the Zodiac Killer.

And I had spinach in my teeth.
Like, how embarrassing.

Let's get it out of the way.
I don't date.

I don't. I fuck.

- [people cheer]
- [laughter]

Because I don't get it.

I mean, this whole idea that
you gotta go out to dinner,

and let a guy stare
into your eyes

and ask you what
your favorite color is.

For what?

If it works out, you're gonna have plenty
of miserable fucking years to find out.

Right?

Here's what really matters.

What really matters is that
the guy lights you on fire.

Like, look, when he
walks into a room,

does he make your
labia throb,

and your asshole tighten?

You know,
do you feel it?

Does he know
his way around?

Is what I'm saying.

'Cause that's what's
gonna matter.

Eight years down the line, when
you've heard all his stupid jokes,

what's gonna matter

is if he can go down on you

and make you come
before the kids wake up.

It's never really worked for
me, the whole dating thing.

And I've tried.

Like, when I was younger there was
the wine and paint instructor

who finger banged me
to Jackass,

while his roommate slept.

Which was a really
romantic evening.

But if he had trimmed
his nails,

you know, maybe it would
have lasted a little longer.

And another guy, he saved
dolphins for a living

and he was just like a...
a beautiful human being.

But he gagged when
he smelled my pussy.

Actually gagged.

Like, you work with fish
all fucking day.

Go fuck a dolphin,
I'm out.

[retching]

[female comedian] I went on a
date recently with this guy

who right at
the top of the date

he was like,
"Jenny, you should know

I'm getting millions
of bitcoins right now."

And it's like, you can just tell me
you're gonna try to choke me in bed.

Be straightforward
so I can...

Hey, can I get
a Jack and ginger?

Uh, yeah.
You're a comic, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, cool.

So, actually we don't give
free liquor to the comics.

We just do beers.

That's kind of shitty, right?

I'm not actually a bartender.

I'm an improv actor.

So, did you miss
your improv set

with Bob Saget
and Dave Coulier?

Is that supposed to be funny?

It's actually making me kind
of horny how funny you are.

Fuck off, dude.

All right. You can put your
claws away there, Wolverine.

I'm tired, I'm new here.

Would you just
give me a fucking break

and let me pay for
a fucking drink?

It's just like
you're really aggressive.

I'm a little acerbic.

I'll get you a drink.
I'll get you a drink.

Yes, sir.

What are you having?

Oh, now that he comes up
you're gonna get...

What would you like?

What do you want?

Um, I'm trying to get
a Jack and ginger.

Can we have
a Jack and ginger, please?

Absolutely.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Yeah, of course,
it's a sexist thing, right?

Yeah.

- Enjoy.
- Thanks.

Relax, man.

Cheers.

- Hi.
- Hi.

So, um, you're not working,
are you?

You mean, like a cop?

I hope not, Jesus.

No, I mean like a comic.
You don't have that vibe.

Oh. What vibe is that?

Mmm. Desperate?

And usually pudgy.

You're hot.

Extremely rare for a comic.

So what? You just hang out in clubs and
pick up comedians? Is that what you do?

Actually this is the first time
I've ever been to a comedy club.

It's cool.
Really cool.

And you were...
You were great.

[scoffs] No.

I'm not gonna fuck you,
okay? I'm not.

I'm sorry. I realize it's
a mixed message,

'cause I was just complimenting
you, but, like...

It's not what I do.

I mean, guys come up to me
all the time after sets,

'cause I'm frank
and I talk about sex.

And it's easy to think
I'm into casual sex,

or a freak in bed or whatever,
but I'm not.

Not the casual sex part.

Like, I can be freaky...

- Yeah.
- Whatever. I'm just telling...

- I'm putting it out there.
- You know, you sound like you do on stage.

Either you're not being
honest up there,

or you're not
being honest now.

But you are freaky
sometimes.

So what's the truth?
Like, what's the real you?

I'm...

I'm confused.

Tell you what. We can
figure it out over dinner.

Great.

You still don't believe me.

You don't be...
I'm telling you.

I do. I'm asking you to
dinner, not fucking.

So, what? You're telling me
you're one of those people

that has to like somebody
before you sleep with them?

Is that it?

I mean, I have to like
something about someone.

Something... like ass?

I mean, ass is good.

Nothing the matter
with the ass.

But I mean, you have to have
more than that, you know.

But I'm saying, let's just
take it one step at a time.

Have a drink, talk.

[chuckles]
Hi, I'm Rafe.

[waiter] And I'll have some wine
brought over, on the house.

- [Rafe] Appreciate that.
- [waiter] Enjoy.

Impressive.

Not what you expected?

Well, I admit, most guys who
come up to me after a show

just offer to buy me
a slice, so...

Ah, now, you deserve
better than that.

[both chuckle]

[Nina] Okay, who are you?

Am I supposed to know?
Are you some sort of...

Are you like a motivational
speaker or something?

I'm a contractor.

I'm no longer married.

I was, but she
broke my heart.

But I'm over it.

- What's your last name?
- Hines.

What? Yeah, you wanna make
sure I don't have a record.

Yeah. Yeah.

But I do that with every guy.

- It's not...
- Oh, hundreds of us?

God.

Well, this is
going well already.

- You nervous?
- A little bit, yeah.

Why?

The last time I liked a guy,
I turned out to be really wrong.

Well, how long ago
was that?

Three weeks.

Oh.

I get it. I'm not special.

It's okay. I can handle it.

I knew
I wasn't that special

the day my dad
walked out on me.

Is that a joke, or...

No, I'm just reassuring you
that I already know

that I'm not special.

What is... Have I entered
another dimension?

Is this how guys in LA are?

No, I'm just trying to be honest.
We're being honest.

I don't think you're
really over her.

You're too quick to
say you're over her.

No, I am.

Ah!

You at home now, huh?

[Nina] I'm feeling
a little bit better.

Yeah, yeah, I see.

I think we need
some water.

What, am I acting
drunk already?

No, you're holding
your liquor well.

We need some water.

Okay.

I'm gonna get that table.

You do that.

Get that. Yes, get that.

Get that.

Can we have some
water, please?

Can you start a tab for me?

Thanks.

[cell phone vibrating]

Thanks. Hmm.

Girls I know don't have
the balls to talk like you.

Let alone on stage.

I like that.

I mean, it's scary, but
you're not familiar to me.

I can't tell if
that's good or bad.

It's good.

What were the other
girls like?

Ah, they were clingers.

Tight, yeah.

- Tight?
- Tight.

Oh, that's good.

I mean, in certain instances,
yeah, it's good.

You know, you have sex with them
and they move in the next day.

Is that good or bad?

Bad.

- Bad?
- Yeah.

We don't like that.

No. Moving in
the next day?

That's bad.

So, is this it for you?

Like stand-up,
single...

Do you wanna get married or
have children, or any of that?

Um...

I mean, stand-up is
tough to sustain, you know.

But a big part of me wants to
be 80 and still going on stage.

No pants on, just like,

"How is everybody
doing tonight?"

Dentures fall out,
I don't even care.

- I love that.
- Yeah?

But, yeah.
No, I want kids.

I want my own show.
I want...

...a husband who goes
down on me regularly.

I guess that's too much...

[slow clap]

[woman] What's up?

Yo, what...

- What's up, Ganja?
- Hi.

How you... How you doing?

It's a long time.

I was, um... We...

Dope.

Hi. I'm Ganja.

Hi. Nina.

Hi.

It was...
It was good seeing you.

No, no, no.
Wait a minute.

As far as I'm concerned,

there's still something
going on between us.

You know what?
I'm gonna let you two talk.

No, no. You should hear this.

Woman to woman.

Well, you know what?
I guess was thinking...

I was thinking that...

I don't actually think there's
anything going on between us.

Oh, really?

Was there something
going on between us

when I was riding you
for 48 hours?

Was there?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

I called you.

I called you and I called you.

I was worried.

I thought he was dead.

Is it me?
You said you liked my thighs.

Did you hate my thighs?

It was all in my head.

But, no. Now I know
you're a fucking ghoster.

Look, let me say this.
You're right.

I'm sorry.

I turned down a date with
Joaquin Phoenix for you.

[Rafe]
I should have called you.

I apologize.
It's my fault.

Whatever, dude.

You're old.
You should know better.

And now you know.

When it's over,
he'll ghost you.

- Listen, I...
- Such finality.

You know who's not
a ghoster?

Joaquin Phoenix.

[Rafe]
He's a good actor.

- Wow.
- Hi.

Joaquin?

Yes. Ganja.

You know, it's, um...

It's not every day
you get to witness

the beginning and the end
of a relationship in one night.

Come on. Look, she wanted
to have a baby with me

- on the second date.
- Mmm.

Like make the child
that night.

Was that before or after
you were all up in her thighs?

- Well...
- Come on, man.

This is the first night,
and I get this shit?

Like, how many Ganjas
are there?

Or did you ghost
your wife, too?

Oh, shit.

Shit!

Nina. Look, Nina.

Seriously. I know this is the type of
thing they warn you about on Jezebel.

But I promise,

I won't do this to you.
I promise.

And if you do?

[cell phone vibrating]

[woman] I go to work and I can
hear people talking about me.

Talking about the smell.

In the beginning they would
wonder where it came from,

and couldn't possibly imagine
that it was a human smell.

[giggling]

But it was me.
It was my smell.

[cell phone ringing]

Hello?

Hey, Nina. It's Carrie.
Good news.

You got the audition
for Comedy Prime.

Really?

I get to audition?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah, you do.
But, listen.

Don't be mad.

What?

They're changing things up
over at Comedy Prime,

so it's not just you
that's auditioning.

What do you mean?

There's gonna be a lot of other
comedians who are auditioning, too.

What, like a bake-off?

Mmm-hmm. Exactly.
Like a female bake-off.

Oh, like a fake-off.

They know it's
a sausage fest over there,

so they're gonna give one lucky
lady their own one hour special.

That's great. I love being
judged on my gender.

Do we really wanna do that?
I mean...

Are they pitting us
against each other?

That's not cool, right?

Yeah, it's really gross.
And I don't care.

Isn't this what
you've always wanted?

I mean, I can give it
to someone else.

Three impersonations.
Got it?

You know,
I gotta go.

I'll talk to you later.
Goodbye.

Okay.

This is Cher
talking to you right now,

and I want you to know
that I believe in you.

Is Cher southern?

Am I turning Cher southern?

I believe in you, Nina.
Oh, shit.

Brendan Fraser at the Oscars
a few years ago.

[laughs]

♪ Eddie Vedder
From Pearl Jam ♪

♪ Eddie Vedder
Sings like this ♪

♪ Or Scott Stapp
From Creed ♪

♪ Sings like this

♪ It's the same voice
Basically ♪

Nina... Nina!

You got a great ass!

Sia.

Hello?

♪ I'm so happy all the time
I'm Shakira ♪

♪ Shakira

[in fake accent] Nina...
Nina, this is Celine Dion.

I love you very much., Nina.

♪ I love you

♪ I love you

♪ Nina, I love you

♪ I'm Celine Dion
And I love you ♪

I'm Celine Dion.

You can do it.

[sighs]

Hey, what's up?

Hey, I'm starting to feel
like I'm getting into

stalker territory,

and I don't like that, so...

I just didn't want you
to think that...

that I ghosted my wife,
'cause I didn't.

She actually, uh, left me
for one of my friends.

Then I ghosted her.

I mean, what else
could I do then?

Anyway, I know this is
a lot of information.

I would love to see you.

I want you to come by
if you would like to,

and we can hang out
and I'll make you dinner.

Hope things are well.
Talk soon.

Bye bye.

[doorbell rings]

- Hey.
- Can I help you?

[chuckles] Oh, very funny.

I was just kidding.
Just kidding.

I brought this, 'cause I know
you like red wine, so...

That's really nice of you.
Come on in.

Welcome.

So this is a nice house.

It's not really what
I was expecting

when you said you were
a contractor.

I've been here for, like,
over 15 years.

You were in the Marines?

Semper Fi, baby.

Don't worry.
I'm anti-war now.

Oh, God. That's a relief.

So, sobriety chip
and a full bar. Wow.

I see I'm on
the hot seat already.

Oh, yeah. You've been on the hot
seat ever since I found out

you dated a Euro trash model half
your age whose name is weed.

But you're still here.

God, I must be more
fucked up than I realized.

Cheers.

So, this is what you do,
I guess, huh?

You just charm women
into your beautiful lair.

- [Rafe] Uh...
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no. I can still
smell her pussy juice.

Oh, my... Okay.

Oh, come on.
Let's do it.

Look, you know what? Have a seat.
Let's get at it, 'cause...

What, already?

Yeah. Well, I mean,
clearly it's bothering you.

I mean, you said
we're not gonna fuck.

So let's just get drunk,
talk it out,

and have a good time.

Wow. What a guy.
Okay.

Okay, Ganja. You're always
talking about Ganja.

First of all,
she's not a model.

Oh, well,
that changes everything.

She does have
amazing thighs.

What the fuck?

Not even those amazing thighs are
worth her blabbering fucking mouth.

[imitates Ganja]
Do you like my thighs,

or do you hate my thighs?

I know I might
sound sexist.

I'm not saying I want
my women pretty and quiet.

You're here.

- Wow.
- So...

That didn't sound right.
Okay.

You are amazing.

You know it.

But I'm just telling you
the truth about Ganja.

I'm a 40-year-old man.

I shouldn't be
with 20-year-olds.

I know that.

Now.

What? What are you thinking?

A big part of me
just wants to leave.

Okay?

But I also kind of
can't stop staring.

Like a car crash.

Yeah. Yeah, like a car crash.

[doorbell rings]

- Is it Ganja?
- [chuckles] No.

I mean, this is great
and all, but,

didn't you say you were
gonna make me dinner?

Did I say make you dinner?

- Yeah.
- Because I meant order.

Yeah, I was impressed.

Mmm... not so much.

But I actually do cook.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I make flautas.

Even more
insulting then, God.

I mean, I would have
made flautas,

but it would have
been too much.

Really?

Come on, I can't just make
you flautas the first time.

Like, it's too much.
No woman can handle it.

Not even you.

Did you make flautas
for Ganja?

Ugh!

Unbelievable!

I'm leaving.

You keep being honest. What the
fuck is the matter with you?

I think it's because I know
we're not gonna fuck tonight.

It's liberating.

Yeah, it is.
It is liberating.

Yeah. Let's eat.

Okay.

What about you?

Any Ganja equivalence
in your life?

Hey, where'd you go?

I, um...

I don't usually date,
so I've never really...

Never really
done this before.

Never?

I usually just fuck the
wrong guy and move on.

How old are you?

How old are you?

I told you, I'm 40.

Two. I'm 42.

Okay. Well, I'm 30.

Three. I'm 33.

Jesus.

And you never been
with anyone?

How many... How many women
have you been with?

No, no.
Let me guess.

You probably lived
with a bunch of them.

Three.

Not at the same time.

How was that?

Great.

Till it wasn't.

Intimacy issues.
I get it.

Daddy stuff?

[sighs heavily] Yeah.

Yeah, I told you
about mine.

My dad left.

Yeah, you said that.
Yeah.

Mine, um...
Mine committed suicide.

Damn.

Suicide trumps abandonment.

- Does it?
- Yeah, definitely.

I don't know.
It's just, um...

It's the relationship part
that I can't do.

Makes me nervous.
I don't know what to do.

So I just don't do it.

Ah, you don't have to
do anything.

Don't do nothing.

Ah. I invited you in,

and I said, "Welcome.

Welcome, Nina."

You did say that.

Not that long ago.

Why are you reminiscing?

No, I know.
But that's a great time.

Right?

Any other things
you wanna share?

Time's almost up.

Is it?

Wait, is that you?

[Rafe] That wasn't even
supposed to be there.

Oh. Oh, oh.

[upbeat music playing]

♪

- [turns off music]
- Actually, I'm done entertaining.

I'm done embarrassing myself.

No, don't stop.
Come on. No.

Come on.
I'm loving the band...

I love it.
You're so old.

At least I don't
smell old.

It's true.
You smell young and fresh.

So what...
What happened?

What happened with that? The band?
I mean, that was amazing.

Ah, the usual.

We fought, and our drummer
died of a drug overdose.

And then, the 90s ended.

- Right.
- It was over.

- I want it back.
- I know.

[Rafe] Watch how quick I am.

[Nina]
Well, I'm quicker.

I fear a little fear in...

- Mmm. No.
- Yeah.

- [Nina laughs]
- Ah!

I think we're doing a great
job with not having sex.

Yeah, I think we are.

Is this when you
would usually...

put the moves on?

- Moves?
- Mm-hmm.

What am I, a slow loris?

It's been hours, Nina.

I guess you don't
really know how it goes.

[Nina laughs]

We could have done it
like five times by now.

- Five times? Wow.
- Wow.

Hold on.

I thought you were
the one that said

you fuck guys like
you write home about.

So, this can't be it,

playing slapsies
at 3:00 A.M.

That can't be your moves.

'Cause it seems like
this is your move.

Is this your move?

- [laughs] Slapsies.
- Yeah, slapsies.

Freaking at 3:00 A.M.

That turns you on?

Slapsies, huh?

No, no. Hold on.

No, hold on.

We can't do this.

If we do this, I'll be just
another guy that you fucked

and move on from.

And that's not what
I want.

I like you too much
for that.

No one's ever
turned me down before.

[rock music playing]

Let's go to your bedroom.

Hey, don't fuck with me.

I won't.

Don't.

Let me take care of you.

Let me be your man.

♪

Rise and shine, sleepy head.

I'm sorry to wake you,
but I have to go to work.

And I don't want you to
think this is a hit and run.

What...
What time is it?

6:00.

I have a meeting with
a client in Venice.

Where'd you sleep?

Right here in the bed
with you.

- That's sweet.
- You snore.

- I do?
- Yeah.

Loud.

Sounded like a dying buffalo.

That's a beautiful sound.
Yeah.

Well, I guess it's nice
for you, you were asleep.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm just hungover.

All right. Well, I'll get
in touch with you later.

Sandy, right?

Wait, what's your
name again?

[chuckles]
I'm just playing.

- I get it.
- Okay, okay.

Well, here.
I brought you a shirt.

You can stay
as long as you want.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

There's snacks upstairs, too.

I have some cereal here.

And some fruit.

All healthy shit.

[exhales heavily]

[somber music playing]

Breathe.

[woman] You've reached the
office of Dr. Joan Streisand.

Please leave your message
and I will get back to you

- as soon as I can.
- That's...

Dr. Streisand,
pick up the phone.

Pick up the fucking phone,
please.

Please pick up
the fucking...

Please.

[hyperventilating]
Will you call me back?

Call me back, okay?

Okay, please call me.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

[groans]

Oh, no... [laughing]

[phone ringing]

I thought you
turned it off?

I thought you did.

It doesn't work unless we do
it for 15 minutes straight.

- [Nina over phone] I met somebody.
- Okay.

Who is he,
and what happened?

I never had sex
like this before.

I never. It was so...

...intimate.

He's funny and sexy, and...

It's just the right
amount of screwed up.

Oh, he fucks like a God.
Oh...

[whispers] Please.

If I wasn't having
a panic attack right now,

my pussy would
still be throbbing.

That all sounds
very nice.

I mean, not every guy out
there knows how to do that.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I might be
really starting to like him.

That's great.

What if I fuck it up?

Why will you do that?

I'm trying really hard to
be honest with him.

So it's scary.

[sighs] Honey, that's what
relationships are all about.

Right?

It's good that
you feel that way.

That means that
you care about him.

You know what, Nina?
Why don't you come home?

I'm gonna cook Mexican.

[giggling]

Shit. So goofy.

Thank you for dinner, guys.
That was so good.

Stuffed.

[dishes clattering]

[Lake grunts in frustration]
Paula!

How many times

do I need to tell you
not to leave the sponge

in the bottom of the sink?

Yeah, I know.

No, no.

No "yeah, yeah" me, huh.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

[dishes clatter]

- Let's do this.
- Okay.

I've asked you

to leave the sponge
outside the sink

so I don't need to move
all the dishes on top of it

only to get to it.

And when you ignore
a request of mine,

I feel...

...diminished.

And rage.

This right here is rage.

[speaks Spanish]

I hear you.

And I can understand why
you would feel that way.

But I want you to understand

that when I leave the sponge
at the bottom of the sink,

and put plates
on top of it,

I'm not doing it on purpose
just to piss you off.

It's just what I do.

I understand that.

But that's exactly
what pisses me off.

That you're not thinking
about me when you do that.

Okay. Um, what if we got
one of those sponge holders?

That way, maybe
if I could see it,

it would help remind me

to not put it
inside of the sink.

That's actually a great idea.

I mean, it's better than
having the sponge all around.

I feel that way also,

and I'm glad that we agree.

Now, would you like
me to get it?

Well, if you don't mind.

I don't mind.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Thanks for listening.

[Paula] You're welcome.

[Lake] I love you, Pau.

[Paula] I love you.

[audience clapping]

Yeah, we want our men
to be sensitive.

To hold us when we cry.

To tell us we look beautiful even
when we're waxing our mustache.

Help us hide the body
of the dude we just shot.

[laughter]

No, fuck him. he wouldn't
turn the Packers game off.

Right, ladies? Ha!

No, we want our men to cry.

You know,
to have feelings.

And then be able to
express those feelings.

Most of them even
get to the first step.

It's like,
"Talk to me, boo.

Tell me what you're feeling."

And then, if somebody comes
at us with a machete,

we want our emotionally intelligent
man to just like fucking...

Fuck! Don't you fucking move!

And then just be like,
"I read your horoscope, babe."

I see you.

I'm your ally.
Mercury is in retrogade.

It's our fucking time to get out
fucking fantasies out there.

Right, ladies?
Who's with me?

- [audience cheers]
- Who's with me?

Are we asking for
too much?

We're not asking
for too much.

No. I want my men
strong and sensitive.

Supportive.

Machine washable.

Steel enforced dick.

Rechargeable.

Refundable.

And quiet.

When I'm with my friends
talking shit about him.

[coughing]

- Hey, Nina.
- Oh, Pam. Hey.

Hey, you should come
to my club.

- Oh, God. Yeah. Um...
- Awesome.

I'd love to. Yeah.
What are you doing here?

I am plucking the hairs
on my chiny-chin-chin.

- Nice.
- They're blonde, but I know they're there.

So no one can see them.

I'm here filling in
for a friend.

But do me a favor
and don't tell anyone.

Okay.

But you will come by.

I will. I would love to.

I mean, I'm gonna be
here a while. So...

I know. Comedy Prime.

How do you know
about that?

It was on Chugfeed.

What?

It was like the top female comedians
that they're considering.

And you are a female.

I am, too.

You know, isn't it great
like how all of a sudden

- they know that we're funny?
- I know.

The new species.
We've been discovered.

Yeah. Like, my mom
was hilarious.

And she's dead now.

She's...

- Oh, I don't know about that.
- Well...

But did you know that I
tested for Comedy Prime?

I didn't...
I didn't know.

- I was really good.
- I'm sure you were.

It was decades ago, though.

- No...
- Yes.

No, seriously.
It was decades ago.

All those references
are worthless now.

Where's the beef?

I did a whole thing
about "where's the..."

- [sighs]
- So, I don't know.

I was...

I was good. I was great.
I was good.

There's all these women
that came before us.

And it's your turn now.

[man] Yo!
You're Nina, right?

- Yeah.
- I'm Dustin.

- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.

You're hilarious.
I just saw your set.

- Thanks.
- Speaking of...

I think I'm kind of
your perfect guy.

Why do you say that?

- Well, see that?
- Mm-hmm.

- Bar fight.
- Oh.

- Strong.
- Ouch.

- See that?
- Yeah.

Rescued a duck
in Echo Park.

Oh, that is so sweet.

- Sensitive, right?
- Yeah.

Hmm.

- Okay. Um...
- What's wrong?

Sorry. I don't... I don't
think it's you. I, uh...

I think it's just
somebody else.

You wanna talk about it?

That's very sweet.

But, no.

- I'm a good listener.
- I'm sure you are.

Thank you.

You sure?

Hey.

Why didn't you call me?

I wanted to see
if you would call me.

- Playing games?
- No.

I just wanted to see
if you were into me.

And if I hadn't called?

I would have
called you.

I was gonna call you.

Come here.

It's weird.

You fuck so good, but you don't
have that sex addict vibe.

Thanks. I mean, it sounds good.
I hope it's good.

What are you doing?

I'm writing down an idea.

Let me hear it.

Just like there should be an app that
tells you all your new guys' issues.

- You know?
- Oh, great.

Like, this one's a mama's boy,
or this asshole never tips,

or this guy's into
toe fucking, or whatever.

Who told you about
the toe fucking?

Uh, your ex.

Oh, come on.
Let it go.

So what's the deal there? You
haven't seen her since you split?

You're jealous already?

Well, I have fucked you
twice now, so, yeah.

I want to ask you about that.

So you never saw anybody
more than once?

Nope.

No one?

So how was work?

Driving me fucking crazy.

It's just all the waiting.

Like, all I do now is just wait
for Larry Michaels to call,

or do stand-up,
or now fuck you.

Who the fuck is Larry?

Oh, he runs Comedy Prime.

I'm sorry. I like
the fucking you part.

I bet you do.

Read this.

Give me a kiss.

This is...
This dude is dumb.

Really.

Actually, you're not
that smart.

But, I mean,
what is he talking about,

he wouldn't take you home
to mama?

I would take you
home to mama.

Everybody would want to
take you home to mama.

This guy, he's a goofy.

[cell phone vibrating]

It's my agent.

Hello?

Really?

Oh, fucking finally!
Where?

Okay, thank you.

- Shit!
- What?

I have to go.
I gotta get my stuff.

[mumbling indistinctly]

Look, look, look. Hey, Nina,
you have time. It's okay.

- Relax. Breathe.
- Okay.

[woman] Just a quick
announcement before I go.

If you sat on any
of the stools in this pub,

you do now have HPV.
I hope that's cool.

My name is Jamie Lactus.
Have a good night.

[audience claps]

Hey, what's up, guys?
Thank you for showing up.

You guys all look beautiful...

Where is he, Larry?

[Nina] I imagine
he's out there.

Yeah, like fucking herpes.

I gotta take a shit.

What's that smell?
Oh, Maria!

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, God.

You guys, uh,

seem nervous.

Oh, you look real cool.

- Yeah, I'm cool.
- Are you?

Actually, yes.

All right. Real defensive.

I wonder if we can tell the audience
that we're doing characters.

Otherwise they're gonna be
like super fucking confused.

I know.

Yolanda Oliver!

What? No!

I'm supposed to be
like fourth.

You go.

Yolanda, just go.

Don't fuck it up.

Go, go.

I'm gonna fuck it up.

I'm gonna fuck it up.

Unbelievable.
I'm gonna fuck it up now.

[audience cheering]

This is Chelsea Handler
talking to a baby.

Oh, my God.
You're so cute.

I'd kiss you, but,
I'm afraid you have chlamydia

since you came out
of a vagina.

- [audience groans]
- What?

This is Bjork

trapped in an armoire.

Oh, fuck.

[imitating Bjork] ♪ I've been stuck
inside Of here for so long ♪

♪ And I feel so good

Ha ha ha ha.
Yes, it's me, Emma Stone.

I know what you're thinking.
"She's black."

Yes.

[laughter]

I'm black now.

I really want that Best Picture Oscar.
[laughs awkwardly]

This next one is
Jabba the Slut.

[grunting]

Give me your dick.

Hey, ladies.

You ever, um, find yourself
at your guy's house

and you're like,
"Ah, I gotta take a shit."

But you try to hide it?

Hey, fellas.

You ever find yourself
at your lady's house

and you're like,
"Oh, I gotta take a shit."

And so you're like...
[grunts]

And you just take
a damn shit.

Why is she doing stand-up?

She's supposed to
do characters.

She has to take
a shit.

[scattered laughter]

[softly] Oh, fuck.

[whimpering]

Oh, no.

I'm not getting on stage next.

[applause]

Hello.

Hello. I am Nina.

And this is Bijork
ordering a smoothie.

[imitating Bjork] I would like the
memory of my first Christmas,

and also the underbelly
of a fairy,

with the sweat of
a newborn deer.

And on top, millions and
millions of urban electrons.

Okay. Um, I'll take
Kristen Stewart's order.

Um...

I'm sorry. What do people...

What do people order here?

[stutters] I don't know.
I don't like being famous.

I don't like...

I don't like being
like a celebrity.

I don't like going out.
I just don't...

Could you not like look at me maybe?
I don't...

Shelley Duvall
from The Shining.

[sobbing] Please!

Just please take this
smoothie for me, please.

Okay. Is that Werner Herzog?

I would like
a neurotical smoothie

which is a representation

of the deepest parts
of my soul.

It should have
almond milk,

chaos,

fornication,

wheatgrass,

insanity,

coconips.

It should not have dairy.

It would be like
a serpent screaming

throughout my inner intestines.

[imitating Shakira] ♪ Goji
berries Some bananas ♪

♪ Add some M protein Throw
in them mangoes Spirulina ♪

[singing indistinctly]

♪ Smoothie for Shakira

- [audience cheering]
- Thank you.

[speaking indistinctly]

It's okay.

[Yolanda] I'm sure they
didn't really notice.

Did it get in your pussy?

Yeah.

Oh, girl!

You gotta see
a gynecologist.

- [vomiting]
- Oh, God! Oh, God!

- Ugh!
- I'm sorry.

Oh, my God. I can't believe
we both did Bjork.

Yeah.

Why don't you
drink that puke?

- No!
- Yeah.

[Nina] Should I drink it?

[all exclaiming]

Why did you get a car?

Does anybody walk?

No, it's LA.

We don't walk.
Are you kidding?

It's probably not that safe.

Honeless people are
like crazier here.

They are,
and I think it's because

they don't talk
to people often.

You know?

Hello?

What? Really?

Are you sure? 'Cause if I give
up my apartment in New York,

there is no going back.

And I will come after you if
something goes wrong. I will.

Thank you. Thanks.

You got it?
[chuckles]

None of us got calls.

Yeah, yeah.
I got it. I'm...

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, man!

Good job.

I just wanna...
Just wanna...

throw you against
the wall and...

I know.
I gotta go though.

- Fuck you.
- Cool.

I need to go and to be able
to support you as well.

Yeah, I'm also...
I'm gonna leave.

Fuck you. [laughs]

- No, I'm sorry.
- Okay.

- Truly.
- Truly, fuck you.

- Yeah.
- No, I'm so sorry.

Truly, fuck you.

I can't fucking believe it.

[girl] Congrats.
A little clap for you.

I'm happy for you
on the inside.

The outside looks tense...

- I sense it.
- But the inside is joyful.

I just need to
have a cry.

I'm gonna cry in
a bathtub.

Hey.

- Where are you?
- At the bar down the street.

I figured you'd need a drink
one way or the other.

[Nina]
You figured right.

Well?

I...

- ...got it.
- You got it?

- I got it.
- What?

Larry Michaels wants
to meet me,

but I got it,
I fucking got it.

- I fucking got it!
- [yells excitedly]

Welcome to the rest
of your life.

She's gonna be on
Comedy Prime!

She's on Comedy Prime.
I gotta watch the show.

Yes, you do.
Of course you have to watch.

Can we get fucked up now?

We got drinks right here.

- Oh, it's perfect.
- Come on.

We ready?

[techno music playing]

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Watch it, bitch.

Don't call me
a bitch, you bitch.

You touch me again,
you fucking midget...

What the fuck
is your problem?

Get the fuck
off my daughter!

I got her.

Wanna try again?
Wanna try again?

Come on. What? What?

Try again.

I gotta get
my fucking jacket.

♪

So, what was that?

What was what?
Did you not...

She fucking bumped into me.
Did you not see that?

But it was by mistake.
It happens.

You can't just
start a fight

and just get up in the face of everybody
who accidentally bumps into you.

Hell of a dad though, right?

Wish you'd defended me
like that.

Defend you from what?

You started a fight with her
for no reason.

What, am I not ladylike enough
for you now? Is that it?

You know what?
I think you're drunk.

No, I'm not drunk.

- You've been drinking too much.
- I'm not.

What, you're just being
an asshole?

What?

What is it?
I mean...

It must be nice, huh?

To look down from
your ivory tower.

What are you
talking about?

I'm Rafe.

I like nice things.

I make things with my hands.

I'm a California native.

I'm special.

I'm Rafe.

I'm Rafe.

[chuckles mockingly]

What? What now?
Cat got your tongue?

'Cause I can just
keep going, you know.

You know, let's take...
I'm gonna take you home.

What, you wanna
fuck through this?

- No. Come on.
- The conflict, you know?

- No. Come on.
- 'Cause we can.

I know you...
You might like that.

I don't know.

Bye.

[typewriter clacking]

[Nina] Lake.

[typewriter continues clacking]

Lake.

What are you doing?

[typewriter continues clacking]

Stream, ocean, brook!

Hello.

Lake.

Lake, Lake, Lake.

What the fuck, Nina?

I was trance writing.

[scoffs] I don't have time for
your bullshit right now, okay?

Okay, what's going on?

How do you... How...

[sighs] Oh, God.

How does...
When he...

How... What do you...

Put your shit together.
Okay?

I can't. I can't.

You poor thing.

You're in such distress.

Nina, the truth

will set you free.

What if the truth
sends you to jail?

What?

Oh, my God.

Nina, did you commit
a crime?

No, I didn't...
Stop. I can't...

Look, the truth will
set you free.

People say that,
but that's...

John said that to the Jews,
and look where it got us.

I have no idea what we're
talking about anymore.

All I can tell you
is that Rafe is a solid dude.

You just have to tell him whatever
the fuck is bothering you.

Woman the fuck up, Nina.

Tell the truth.

The truth, here.

[scoffs]

[typewriter continues clacking]

[sighs]

Hi.

How are you?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean any of the
things I said about you.

You know that, right?

Well, actually, everything
you said was really true.

But it seems you don't like
that I'm that way.

I do. I...

I really like
everything about you.

I just... I don't know
why I did that.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Let's talk about it later.
You have a show.

I didn't think
you'd come.

You invited me.

Yeah, I know. But I didn't
think you'd show now.

Thank you.

God, you're so
fucking solid.

I'm special.

[claps rhythmically]

I'm Rafe.

- I'm special.
- Ugh!

I'm Rafe.

I'm special.

[Nina speaking indistinctly]

Oh, hey.
What up, Nina?

- Hey, I'm Joe.
- What's up, man?

- Yeah.
- I'm Rafe.

You guys look good. She looks good.
How are you?

What... What are you
doing here?

I would have told you I was coming,
but you fucking blocked me.

I saw your post.
I thought you were funny.

She's really funny,
isn't she?

Fucking hilarious.

Don't leave, don't leave.
No, no, no. Nina.

He's not a good guy.
He's a cop. Hey...

I left her.

I left her, Nina.
I left her for you.

Don't fucking touch me.

I left her just like I...
Nina, look at me.

Will you do something?
Will you fucking protect me?

[Joe] Ah, fuck!

Get the fuck off me.

Yeah, you can have her,
you fucking bitch.

Fuck!

Rafe...

Oh, so this is what you want? You
want us fighting over you now?

You want men
fighting over you now?

So he's married?

But he just left
his wife for you?

That's so nice. Wow!

A married cop?

That's great, Nina.

Does he have kids?

You know what?
Don't tell me.

I bet he chokes black people
for fun, too, huh?

- It's over.
- It is?

He's here.

He left his wife
for you.

You said you didn't
have relationships.

No snappy comeback now?
What?

What, you're just gonna
go on stage and act like

you're the strong,
independent woman

that always gets
what she wants?

The fuck out of here.

[door opens]

[door slams shut]

[woman] Nina?

[gasps] Nina?
Nina Geld?

Oh, my gosh!
It's Amy.

- Amy. I am your mother's best friend and neighbor.
- Oh, God. Yeah.

- Yeah. Hi.
- Oh, I'm here visiting my parents.

I saw that you were
acting here,

so I thought, why don't I just
go see what Deb's kid does.

So, um...
You okay?

Yeah.

Well, the reason why I ask is,

'cause, to be honest
with you, I've, um...

seen some of the clips

that you've been putting
on the Internet.

There's so much
anger in you.

I don't know why.

I mean, life is beautiful.

Don't you know that?

Yeah, it's not beautiful
for everybody, Amy.

It's just not.

Nina!

Congratulations
on the job, girl!

Is it just me, or are there more
people here tonight than usual?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
There are.

Word gets around fast.

Plus, I sent out
a mass email.

'Cause this is great for me.
I need this.

You know,
you're a name now.

All these people
are here to see you.

Okay?

So, it's no pressure,
but there really is.

Kind of a lot of pressure
on you to do great.

It's gonna be great.
It's gonna be great.

[emcee] You guys ready
for our next act?

Give it up real big
for Nina Geld.

[cheers and applause]

[Nina] Hello.

Hello. Wow.

That's a lot of...

Lot of people here
tonight. Um...

More than usual.
I'm a little bit...

I think I'm a little
nervous here.

I had to build
my confidence up.

You know, I wish I had
the confidence of, like,

any guy walking into
a guitar center.

- [audience chuckles]
- Just like any guy.

Just the pure,
unearned self-assurance

that you feel.

You know, I was gonna do...
I had a whole bit about, like

periods and shitting liquid,
and all this stuff.

But there's something
that just been bothering me,

and I think I'm gonna...

Um, I'm trying to be more
truthful in my life. So...

Oh. Thanks. Thank you.

So, what's that they say? They say the
truth will set you free, right? Yeah?

So I'm just gonna...

I'm just gonna
share it with you.

Hope...
Hope for that.

I've been reading a lot
of stuff about myself recently.

People seem to think
I'm negative.

Yeah, I know.
Negative. Huh!

Polarizing.

Angry.

Not the type of girl
you'd want to bring home.

Hmm.

Well, guess what.

I don't wanna fucking
go home with you.

Okay?

[scattered laughter]

I recently ran into
this woman

who, um, I lived next door
to since I was a kid.

She was like, "Nina...

Why are you so angry?

I follow you on the computer
and it's really sad."

First of all,

fuck you, Amy.

Fuck you.
Why are you following me?

You love Nicholas Sparks.

You have no business
reading my shit, you cunt.

And just because
I grew up next door to you,

and I smiled every time
you recapped Days of our Lives

doesn't mean you're gonna like
my social media posts now, okay?

And also, I find it
pretty amusing

when people tell me
to cheer up.

Because considering
the shit I've been through,

I'm pretty fucking cheery.

People are like,
"Oh, you're such a man-hater.

God, you're always picking
on men." Yeah.

Oh, you haven't
seen anything yet.

You try being raped by your
own father for eight years.

See what that does
for your opinion of men.

Yeah.

Eight years of rape
will, um,

make anybody
a little irritated.

Not just in your vagina,
but in your head, too.

The thing fucking
Amy doesn't get

is she's lucky I don't
turn into the Hulk

every time somebody
says hello to me.

When a guy
asks for my number,

my immediate instinct is to break a
fucking beer bottle over his head.

[sniffles]

It takes years

of recovery and therapy,
and...

...frankly drinking,

not to just
punch some dude out

who just wanted directions.

Oh, sorry, sir.
You said...

"Where is Venice Beach?"

I could have sworn you said,
"Where is your vagina, bitch?"

I remember this party I went to
in college where... [sniffs]

they were playing
stupid truth or dare games.

The hostess is like,
"How did you...

How did you lose
your virginity?"

None of your
fucking business.

You know, only virgins
ask this shit.

Or people who lived in a bubble
of protection their entire lives.

And yes, I am
jealous of them.

I'm jealous of their mothers
who come out to visit them.

What I wanted to say
was what happened.

How did I lose
my virginity?

Face down on the floor,

when I was 12, eyes on my cat,
while my father raped me.

Yeah, I know. It's not
great party conversation,

but you fucking asked.

But instead I made up
a story about

losing my virginity
to a boy I used to love.

'Cause that's what
I would have liked.

So, yeah, all in all, I think I'm
doing pretty well, you know.

I do what I love.

I'm a reasonably
good person.

I might even be able to
love somebody some day

the way that
they deserve it.

Yeah, catch you next time.

Thanks for coming.

[wailing]

[line ringing]

[answering machine] This is Rafe.
Leave a message.

I hadn't thought
about him in so long.

Van Halen one.
You were right.

Hey, Bree.
How you doing?

Mike! Mike, Mike, Mike!

Look what the cat
dragged in.

You, uh, seemed
a little...

It's really a hug there.

- Oh, I missed you.
- Missed me?

I heard you sort of had
a bit of a meltdown tonight.

Like really kooky. Talking about
fucking your dad or something?

Is that your Tonight Show
set you're working out?

Yeah, yeah.

You gotta take
some chances.

Slap a guy in the face
and laugh.

- Let me kiss you.
- Shut up.

I love you.
I love you.

- Nina, I'm ready to come.
- Good.

Oh, fuck! [grunts]

Oh, fuck, yes! Oh!

Oh!

[text alert chimes]

[Nina] How did you
lose your virginity?

None of your
fucking business.

Shit.

How did I lose
my virginity?

Face down on the floor,

when I was 12, eyes on my cat,
while my father raped me.

Yeah, I know. It's not
great party conversation,

but you fucking asked.

Hi, Mom.

[cell phone vibrating]

- [Nina] Hello?
- Nina. Oh, my God.

Are you okay? I've been
trying you all morning.

Yeah, um...

Crazy night.

Yeah. I'm so sorry, honey.
I had no idea.

Thanks, Carrie.

Is everything okay? Did I get
fired from Comedy Prime?

No, no, no, no.

Hopefully
everything will be fine.

What do you mean
"hopefully"?

Well, you're trending now, Nina.
It's a great thing.

But you need
a publicist.

Why?

Because now you're
the comedian who was raped,

and that is not
gonna go away.

I"ll put you in touch
with Bunny.

- Bunny?
- Bunny.

She's the best, and she
was also a rape victim.

Survivor.

And you shouldn't
out her, Carrie.

Okay. Well,
Bunny will call you.

And now I have to
go handle your career.

Ooh. By the way,
do you wanna do an SVU?

No.

[knock on door]

Say the word and
I'll kick him out, Nina.

Just... I'm here for you.

Hmm. Yeah. Thank you.

- Okay.
- It's okay.

Mmm-hmm.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I left.

It won't happen anymore.

I believe despite everything,

we're good together.

No, I don't know.

[muttering]

I got you, I got you.

Does the cat
make you feel better?

Yeah.

I love you.

You know,
it is really nice here.

It is really nice.

Yeah, it's all right.

[Nina] So, house cats.
I thought they'd be bigger.

[Spanish song playing]

You're very funny, Nina.

Oh. Hi. Um...

So nice to meet you. Thank so
much for this opportunity.

We're in here.

Okay.

Now, I usually like to ask
people I'm interested in hiring

about their childhood.

What did their parents do.
That type of thing.

Eases most people
into conversation.

Considering your performance
on Friday,

that seems
a bit perfunctory.

I'm happy to tell you
about my parents, sir.

Oh, call me Larry, please.

I already feel old enough
as it is.

Larry. Okay.

We're in a funny place
right now.

People think
they want reality,

but they really want
a curated reality.

A bit of performance,
a bit of hope.

You're a very
strong performer.

I know you can do wonderful
things here at Comedy Prime.

But you've also come out

with this very
powerful voice

against abuse.

And I'm wondering if that's
all people are gonna see

when they see you.

What do you think?

I think if that information prevents
people from enjoying me play Taylor Swift,

then that's on them.

I mean, you've had plenty
of people on your show

that have had drinking problems,
or drug problems, or...

They probably hit women.

Sure, sure.

But people didn't know
about it then.

It's a brand new world now.

I feel like
I'm being blamed.

No. No.

It makes no difference
to me, you see.

It was an awful thing.

I'm glad you got it
off your chest.

I, uh, wanted to know
how you felt about it.

I hire talented performers,

but also people I know
I'm gonna feel comfortable with

when shit hits the fan.

- Hmm?
- Right. Yeah.

I gotta think about it, Nina.

Thanks for coming in
to see me.

- [Carrie] Hello.
- Hey, did you have your baby yet?

Oh, yes. I had her
yesterday morning.

She's real cute.

No name yet, but I cannot
wait to get to know her.

So how was your interview
with Larry Michaels?

I don't know. It felt like I was
being interviewed by the patriarchy.

He said he'd have to
think about it, so...

Not getting it, right?

Ooh. Yeah, that's not good.

You know what? Fuck Larry
Micheals and his...

Hi.

Where are you
right now?

Just saying hi
to a friend.

[sighs]

Listen, can you book me?

Will anybody book me? I need
to get back on the horse.

- [man] Hey, Nina.
- Mm-hmm.

You've got two minutes.

Yo.

That viral video...

Shit was dope.

So don't fuck it up tonight.

Thank you.
Thanks. Thanks.

Where's you, Charlie?

You should have
taken care of me.

You should have looked out
for me just a little bit.

I could have been
a contender.

[exhales]

Who's the boss? Who's the boss?
Who's the boss?

Who's the boss?
Who's the boss?

[grunting]

[audience cheering]

[Nina] Whoa, Los Angeles.
Hi. Hi.

Thank you so much for coming to
see my follow up rape routine.

[laughter]

[instrumental music playing]

Subtitles by explosiveskull

♪

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