All language subtitles for Rules.of.Engagement.S07E08.1080p.WEB.X264-EDHD

Yo, Tim Tim.
Mmm.

This weekend,
monster truck rally

at Madison Square Garden.

Redneck chicks
so drunk on moonshine,

they'll think
I'm Leonardo Dicaprio,

and you're Kumar.

I'll have to pass.

All right,
how about this?

Bridal expo
at the Javits Center, huh?

"Oh, ha-ha, I didn't get
the dress I wanted.

"I want a party with
Leo Dicaprio and Kumar."

Seems rock solid, sir,
but again, pass.

I know what you want,

but no one's gonna believe
you're DiCaprio.

Get real.

(CLAPS) Hey, Timmy,
Jen and I are in
for dinner

with your parents
on Saturday...
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm...

Oh, yeah.
It's gonna be sweet!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Your parents are coming
all the way from India,

and the only person
you invited to meet them
is the office idiot?

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

Yeah.

You didn't get invited,

but the office idiot did.

Sir, I didn't invite you
because, and please don't
take this the wrong way.

I loathe you.

Timmy, I know
you're foreign,

but it's pronounced love.

Look, I know
I'm not always
the perfect boss.

Sir, you stole my fiancee,

accused me
of sexual harassment
when I saved your life,

and make me
apply ointments
to areas of your body

we both know
you can reach yourself.

Well, just 'cause
I can reach them

doesn't mean
I wanna touch them.

Anyway, this is
the first time

your parents
have been here.

Sir, I don't even understand
why you care so much.

I mean, let's face it.
You're a narcissist,

who has no interest
in the lives of others.

Sir, you're
admiring yourself

in the reflection
of my glasses,
aren't you?

I could pass as DiCaprio.

(SIGHS)

♪ How many ways
to say I love you?

♪ How many ways
to say that I'm not scared?

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying

♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪

Boom! Boom!

Boom.

Boom, boom...
Okay.

Funny. I guess
I deserve that

for giving you
and your wife a baby.

Brenda, just ignore him.

I mean, come on,
look at you.

You're glowing.

It's sweat
and angry hormones.

In that case,
I'm so sorry.

Hey, how about this.

Why don't you come on over
for a big Saturday night?

You could watch me drink.

As intriguing
as that isn't,

I can't because
I'm catering
an alumni event

at Columbia university.

Oh, Columbia?
BRENDA: Yeah.

Huh, I wonder
if we're gonna hear about

how my wife
almost got in there.

I was wait-listed.
I could've gone there.

If 400 smarter kids
decided not to,

but if you didn't go
to Syracuse,

you wouldn't
have met me.

Don't make it worse.

What's your, uh...
What's your event for?

Um, Malcolm Gladwell
wrote a book,

and he's giving a talk
about it,

but then I am catering
the reception.

I love his stuff.

Yeah? They gave me
extra tickets

if you guys wanna go.

Oh, so it's a fellow
who wrote a book
talking about his book?

Sounds like
an awful lot of book.

We're going. Come on.
He's a great author.

It'll be full of
interesting people.
I wanna go.

Okay. Great.
I'll drop the tickets
by later.

Oh, you know
what this means.

You finally get
into Columbia.

(GLASSES CLINKING)
ALL: Cheers.

Mmm.

Mmm.
It is so nice to meet you,
Varsha and Rahm.

Timmy is one
of my favorite people.

Aw.
(LAUGHS)

Really?

Yes.
Wow.

Well, you think
you know someone.

So, Rahm,
what's good here?

Well, I love
the mutter paneer.

Oh, the mutter paneer.

Mmm.

Oh, no,
well, the mutter paneer
is only rated at two.

It's probably terrible.

Yep, no, here's a picture.
Straight up vomit.

Mr. Rhodes,
the numbers

aren't actually
a quality rating.

They tell you
how spicy the dish is.

One is the mildest,
12 is the spiciest.

Ah. I am all
about spicy foods.

See, at Taco Bell,

I always go for
the El Scorcho
burrito, Varsh.

There is no such thing
as an El Scorcho burrito.

I created it in the fires
of my imagination.

So I'm thinking
I'm gonna go eight.

I might go eight
or maybe nine.

Well, uh...

I would strongly advise you
not to go above a four.

Oh, Rahm.
Rahm-a-lama-ding-dong.

The more you tell me
not to do something,

the more I'm gonna do it.

It's not something
to brag about.

Well, now,
I'm just gonna brag more.

You have got
to be kidding me.

Oh, look who it is.
What are the chances?

These must be
your parents.

Please leave.
Just go away.

Shubh Sandhya.
Mera naam Russell hai.

Ooh! A hindi speaker.

Yeah, I just said,
"Good evening.
My name is Russell."

Timmy's so Americanized.

I love your sherwani.

Thank you.

This is my favorite
of all the ones I have.

I own very many.

Hello, sir.
Are you with this party?

Oh, no, he is not.

No, he's right.
I'm dining alone tonight.

I'll be over here,
and if you hear me
choking and gagging,

and you wanna
give me the Heimlich,

I'd love it,
but you don't have to,

uh, 'cause again,
I'm by myself.

We won't hear of that.
You'll join us.

Please.
Oh, I couldn't!

Sir.

Do you really think
you can convince
my parents

you're a decent person

simply by learning
a phrase or two

and dressing up
like the Indian Liberace?

I assumed
you'd want your parents

to meet your best friend
and mentor.

Sir, I abhor you.

Yeah, you bore everyone,
but I thought your parents
might be interesting.

I told you specifically
I didn't want you here.

Why? You think
I'm not good enough?

I know you're not
good enough.

Well, I think you're wrong,

and I think your parents
are gonna love me.

Fine.

But when the real Russell
comes out,

you'll offend my parents,

offend everyone
at the restaurant,

and the jig
will be up.

Yeah. Hey, you know
what else is up?

I'll give you a hint.
I'm going commando,

and this silk
is super soft!

(GIGGLES)

Whoo-hoo!

Feels good.

(SIGHS) That was one
of the best lectures
I've ever heard.

Yeah. I'd put it
right up there
with your lecture

on what goes
in the top rack
of the dishwasher.

But, again,
I've only heard his once.

Uh-huh.

His was a little hard
to hear

with you unwrapping
a jolly rancher
for 15 minutes.

I'm no quitter.

Look, I gotta go find
someone to talk to
who's not you.

Go nuts.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, wow.
Great lecture, huh?

Oh, he is just
so insightful.
Yeah.

My...my name's Audrey.

Uh, I'm Evelyn.
Marjorie.

Did you go
to Columbia, Audrey?

It was my first choice.

So are you coming back
next month

for the Jonathan Franzen
lecture?

Oh, I'll definitely
go to that.

I love Jonathan Franzen.

Hopefully, that idiot
with the candy wrapper
won't be here.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, right?
Who brought him?

Jack, this is
a disaster.
Oh, tell me about it.

That guy who spoke
was lights-out boring.

Guess what?

I just got invited
to come to another
lecture next month.

Okay, I'd be really
happy for you,

except that my waitress
and my bartender
both just flaked on me...

I am totally screwed.

That's terrible.
No booze or food?

Let's hit the road.
No, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

I hate to ask you guys this,

but do you think
there's any way, Audrey,

you could cover
for my waitress,

and Jeff,
you could possibly
get behind the bar?

Please, please,
please, please?

Oh, Jeff's
not gonna wanna do that.

Stand unsupervised
behind a bar
full of alcohol?

That's number nine
on my bucket list.

(SIGHS) thank you.

Oh, all right, fine.

Thank you.
I will get you an apron.

Yeah, you're gonna
have to show her
how to put it on too.

(SCOFFS)

The answer is three.

One Nepalese
to hold the light bulb,

and the other two
to spin him on the ladder.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, we do love
a good Nepalese joke.

(LAUGHS) Yeah,
'cause they're idiots.

Maybe you could explain
why they're idiots.

Come on, man,
'cause they're Nepalese!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Adam, how are you
enjoying your dinner?

Good.

Yeah, level seven's
got a little kick.

Still wish you
wouldn't have talked me
out of that level ten.

(CLEARS THROAT AND GROANS)

Mr. Rhodes,
you are aware that water

just helps spread
the spice around.
(GROANS)

Yeah, yeah, that's
what's happening
right now.

Oh, God.

Ah, it's nothing
I can't handle,
though. Uh!

Really, it looks
like you're struggling.

(SIGHS) I am not.

Adam, let it go.
No, I'm not
gonna let it go.

Varsha called me out, honey.

She stepped to me.

I don't understand
this idiom.

It's pronounced "idiot."

Adam, I can handle
the spicier dishes

because I grew up
with them,
but you did not.

Oh.

You...you...
You just went there.

Huh?

He just went there, Jen.

He didn't go anywhere.

Hey, challenge accepted.
Excuse me, sir.

Lamb vindaloo,
level ten.

Adam, you cannot
handle a ten.

You know what?
You're right.

Level 12.

(EXHALES) But sir...
I said 12!

Jack, stop that!

Come on,
you're embarrassing me.

Why are you so desperate
to try and fit in
with these people?

Try?

I already fit in
with these people.

Maybe you're on
the wait list to fit in

if 400 other...

Oh, shut up.

Audrey, remember
how I asked you
to pass these out,

not put them on top
of the piano

with a note that says,
"Take one"?

(EXHALES) Fine.

Hey. What have you
got on tap?

Suffer through this,
maybe go home

and take a run
at the old lady.

Hmm, well,
if she's anything
like my wife, good luck.

She is, and...thanks.

So, uh, Marjorie,
what is your favorite
Franzen book?

What?
Are those shrimp puffs?

Oh, yeah.

You, uh, both
might be wondering

why I'm now serving
hors d'oeuvres,

but I'm just doing a favor
for a friend,

my surrogate, actually.

Oh, can I give you
something?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I did not care
for that.

Excuse us.

Audrey, I hate
to be all boss-like,

but I'm gonna need
a little less talky

and a little more walky.

(SINGSONG)
You got in trouble.

This food is so good.

No wonder it's
so popular with India's
1.24 billion people.

Mmm, look who stopped
watching porn long enough

to look India up
on Wikipedia.

Why are you treating
Russell this way?

He's nothing
like you've been

describing him
over the past year.

What? Whatever could
he have said about me?

You know, you're right.

I should absolutely
appreciate the effort
he's made

to know so much
about India.

Mmm.

Like, for example,
its capital city.

Um, Calcutta, right?

Yeah.
Ah-ha!

Yeah, it was Calcutta
under the British raj,

but then,
of course, in 1911,
it became New Delhi.

The major river.
Ganges.

Mountain range.
Himalayas...

National bird.
Peacock...

The fa...
Gandhi.

BOTH: How did you know that?

I'm just that in tune
with my fellow man,
I guess.

Okay, your
lamb vindaloo, sir,
level twelve.

Enjoy. (CHUCKLES)

Well, that was quick.

Adam, you don't
have to do this.

No, I can handle it.

I mean, you've seen me
bite into a bell pepper.

Bell peppers aren't hot.
Not to me.

Not to anyone.

(HIGH-PITCHED CRY)

Oh, oh, my God!
Holy mother!

My...it's burning up
my whole mouth!

Oh!

Oh, God!
I've got sauce in my eyes!

Are you okay?
Don't draw attention to me!

Oh, good God!

Oh! Oh!

(ALL LAUGHING)

And speaking
of economics,

this is my trickle-down
theory.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, how'd the mini quiche
go over?

Good. Only three rejects.

Ugh, this job
is disgusting.

She said
about my livelihood.

Listen, it's time
for dessert.

Can you please
circulate the fruit tarts?

Uh, you know what?
I have realized

why these women
are not responding to me.

It's this apron.

They're seeing me
not as one of them.

They're seeing me
as a worker.

Hmm, glad someone's
seeing you as a worker.

Now, we are all back
on equal footing.

Thank you.
Hmm.

Ooh!
Oh.

Sorry about that.

Uh, can I give you this?

That's it.
We are switching jobs.

Fine, but, uh,
we're not pooling tips.

You have tips?

I'm not.

Well, it's not surprising.
Your uniform's filthy.

It's not a uniform.

All right, you will see,
I do fit in with
these people

when I'm the one
gettin' 'em drunk.

See how things
go for you

when you gotta serve
Brenda's crappy food.

Yes, word of mouth
is the best advertisement.

Listen, Audrey,

I really need you
to serve dessert
to these people,

or, you know,
at the very least,
let them lick your dress.

Well, I am behind
the bar now, okay?

Jeff is the one
serving dessert.

Sure! I mean, it is
your catering company,

and Jeff, dessert trays
are in the kitchen.

You got it, boss.
Thank you.

All right,
we need 50 glasses
of champagne right away.

50?
Yes, for the toast.

(SIGHS)

Oh, that's no fun.

(LAUGHING)

Would you ladies care
for some dessert?

Oh, I really shouldn't.
I'm dieting.

Me too.
Oh, what for?

I mean, I'm married,
but you guys aren't fat.

Oh, well,
thank you.

(LAUGHTER)

(GROANS AND SPITS)

Help.

With all you know
of our land and
culture, Russell,

it's surprising
you haven't been
to India.

Oh, I have been, Varsha,
but only in my heart.

(LAUGHS)

I actually think
I'm going to be sick.

Timir, you're behaving
like a real gadha.

(CHUCKLES)
You are being
a real gadha.

All right. That's it.

Mother, father,
the way Mr. Dunbar's
portraying himself

is the antithesis
of who really is.

A rude, selfish,
culturally-insensitive troll.

Moi?

His ego could not accept
that I didn't invite him
to this dinner,

so he's trying to fool you
into believing

that he cares at all
about our culture.

Timmy, stop it.

No. Varsha, he's right,

but in the hour
I spent on the internet
learning about your land,

I became enchanted.

Give it up,
Mr. Dunbar.

You're not going
to talk your way
out of it this time.

(EXHALES)
Right again, Timmy.

Words aren't
gonna do it,

so I'll have to try
something else.

Hit it, Ravi.

(INDIAN MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh...my...God.

Come on!

Right?

Varsha, come on.

Timir, don't fight it.
Invite it.

Hey, guys,
thank you again.

Jeff, you are literally
the best bartender ever.

(LAUGHS) And Audrey,

the swelling
on your chin's
already going down.

We were happy to help.

(EXHALES)

I made $73.

Listen, you guys go home.
I'll finish cleaning up.

No, you and our baby
go home and rest.

We got this.
Really?

Thank you.
It has been kind
of a long night.

All right, I'll see you.

Oh, uh, Audrey,
maybe don't look
at the comment cards.

All right.

Say you told me so.

I don't fit in
with this crowd.

You're right.
You don't.

Thank you.
Oh, it's a good thing.

I mean, you not getting
into this stuffy place

is the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Really?
Yeah.

The Ivy League's loss
was my gain.

(LAUGHS) Oh.

Don't touch me.
You're filthy.

(GIGGLES)

(INDIAN MUSIC)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)