Original subtitles

(KEYBOARD CLACKS)

- Well. This is all very exciting, Nat. I didn't know you and Steph were trying.

- Surprise. - So, looking at the blood test result and the urine test result here

and the home test, I feel it's fairly safe to say that you are most definitely pregnant.

Congratulations.

Who's the lucky father, then? (CHUCKLES)

So, I think now is the time to...(FADES)

(HIGH-PITCHED TONE)

(TENSE MUSIC)

- WHISPERS: Two babies.

(ECHOING BABY CRIES)

- WHISPERS INAUDIBLY: Two babies.

(SILENCE)

(RADIO PLAYS VIVALDI'S 'FOUR SEASONS')

- Bit intense, eh? Should I— - Yeah, really... - Yeah. I just—

(SILENCE)

- WHISPERS: I don't like my thoughts, though, so maybe— - Yeah, I'll turn it back on.

- or something. Yeah.

(RADIO PLAYS VIVALDI'S 'FOUR SEASONS')

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Let's just get Johnny a present and then get out of here.

Too much time in tech stores makes me feel instantly dehydrated.

- Hey, babe, do you think that we should, you know, discuss what we're going to do, you know,

with... before we.... - Yeah. - tell Johnny, or...

- Yeah, I think...

I think we should just tell him, either way, whatever we decide.

Ooh, is a tablet a good idea? - I don't think any of this is a good idea.

- Can I help you with anything? - BOTH: We're fine, thanks.

- It just needs to be something small, you know? Something that says, 'Thank you, Johnny.

'It worked... twice.'

- I really think that we need to— - Oh, I know. Yes. A Bluetooth speaker.

Bluetooth speaker. Perfect.

We'll take that one, thank you. - Oh, we're doing two-for-one on all Bluetooth speakers

at the moment.

- We'll... just take the— the one.

Thanks.

- You get the second one for free. - I said we only want one.

- Hey, how about we just, you know, press pause on this whole 'throwing Johnny a sperm donor party' thing,

and I don't know, you know, sit down, freak out, have a little cry, maybe talk about a plan.

- Oh, do you not think I'm freaking out? Because I am. I am... I am freaking out.

- Oh, no, that's— that's— that's pretty clear.

Yeah. You just bought a Bluetooth speaker. It's pretty impulsive.

- I'm the one being impulsive. Wow. OK.

- You're not blaming me, are you? Steph, we all decided to do this.

- Yeah, I was peer pressured into it. - (SCOFFS)

Please. You're a grown woman. - I don't want to do this in the mall car park.

- That's what mall car parks are for.

- Nat, I don't know what else I can say to you.

Like, this was a classic case of herd mentality. I didn't know what was happening.

And then all of a sudden, I was squirting Johnny's sperm into your vagina.

- Just talking about brunch plans.

(QUIRKY TENSE MUSIC)

- (LAUGHS) Uh, I'm confused. What is this for?

- It's all in the card. - What are you guys up to?

- Oh.

Oh, does this mean..? - Just read the card, Johnny.

- Stephy— - Read the card.

- READS: 'Cheers for your sperm. We're pregnant.'

- We mean every word.

- Are you serious? - Yeah. - Yeah, but just before you get—

- Steph! Steph! Yes! This is amazing!

- Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. I'm also pregnant.

- You're pregnant? No, but you took a test.

- I lied. I just— I wanted to tell Steph before I told anyone else.

- So, you're actually pregnant? - Mm-hm.

- And Steph..? - Is also pregnant.

- Right now. Yep.

- But...

- Two ladies, two babies, one Johnny.

- OK— - You're the—

- I don't think you can say it like that.

- Well, he doesn't seem to be getting it.

- So, Johnny, we've only just found out.

- Fucking shit. Oh, my God.

- That's more like it. - What? Whoa! Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. - (SHUSHES) Please, just be quiet.

- WHISPERS: You're both pregnant? - Lily doesn't know yet. - No.

- What the fuck, guys? - Look, this is our mess, so we'll sort it out.

- We'll sort it out. Yeah. - (SIGHS, GRUNTS)

- Ooh, hey. - I'm gonna— Ooh, I want to be sick.

I want to be sick. - You're OK. Just come sit down. - Sit down. Sit down.

- Sit down. Here. Do you— Open your present?

- A distraction. It's working really well for us right now.

- A Bluetooth speaker. - It's waterproof, as well.

You can use it in the sun or the rain. - Awesome.

- Or the shower. - Yeah, that's cool. Just breathe, dude.

- (BREATHES DEEPLY)

- What are you up to? (MEOWS) - Oh, just curious.

- Are you looking at houses?

Oh, my God. You're ridiculous.

I was raised in a flat. - Yeah, but not with flatmates, though.

- OK.

Maybe now is the time to have that conversation we both don't know how to have.

- I have...

no idea where to start.

- OK, well, I'll start.

Yay. Well done, us.

Look at us.

- OK. Well, um, it's just a little bit more complicated than that.

And there's, like, a lot to work through before I feel ready to, like, throw ourselves a parade.

- Dude, we're gay. That's what we do, we throw parades.

- I don't know how to feel about this, and my therapist says that that is OK.

- OK, so what do we do?

- I don't know. - Yeah, but you always know. - Yeah, I know,

but I don't know this.

Do you know that there is not even a Google search prediction for this?

Can we just turn out the lights and pretend to go to sleep?

- Yeah.

Good night. (CLEARS THROAT)

- Good night.

- How's this going for you? - Wide awake. - Yeah.

- Yeah.

- OK, so this place will be crawling with desperate millennials.

Remember, they're all our competition. No making friends.

- Right.

- Hi. - Hi.

- This house isn't even that nice. - Say that, but inside, where everyone can hear you

and do not show any interest to the real estate agent.

- Got it. If anyone comes near us, I'm gonna one outs them.

So how long have you guys been looking for?

- Oh, on and off for a few months, but we've just gotten serious because our family is expanding.

- Guilty. (BOTH CHUCKLE) - Congratulations.

- It's crazy. We just started trying, and bang — first go.

- Guilty. (BOTH CHUCKLE)

- GIGGLING: Stop it. - Well, you guys can have this one and we'll get the next one, yeah?

- Ooh, you can buy next door and we can be neighbours. (SQUEALS)

- (GRUNTS NON-COMMITALLY)

Never gonna happen. - WHISPERS: What did I say about making friends with people?

- Babe, we're not seriously buying this house.

- Why else do you think we're here? - To look in stranger's bedside tables?

- Nat, that strangely attractive straight couple are not the only ones with a due date.

- They are very hot, aren't they? - They are, aren't they? - Yeah.

- They're so hot, it's crazy. - They look like the couple on top of a wedding cake, come to life.

- He's definitely fucking someone else, though. - Oh, yeah. Hundy, hundy percent.

(GRUNTS DISGUSTEDLY) You'd think they'd tidy their drawers before people come over

for an open home. Could do with a mothball in there.

Oh, no. We can't buy this house, babe. He reads Jordan B. Peterson. It's bad juju.

- Huh? Or she. Women have terrible taste in literature, too.

But no, I actually think this will be good. It just needs a bit of paint, maybe a sage stick.

And it is in the zone for two really good schools.

- Hey, I'm, um— I'm more than willing to play along with your lesbian house hunt,

but I think we should, you know, come up with a plan

before we settle on repainting the walls 'Sandfly Point.'

- Hey. - Heya.

- Um, I might go and check out the other bedroom.

- Here we go. Look, I'm just going to say it, OK? We don't need to keep both babies.

I...

really should have kept this conversation for another room.

- I just— I don't even know how we begin to have this conversation.

- Rock, paper, scissors, go. - BOTH WHISPER: One, two, three—

- No, no, no, no, no. I'm not playing. I'm not playing it. I'm not playing.

- I just— Your baby's more expensive. What about that? - It's not a handbag, babe.

- But I know how much you wanted this, Steph.

- I just— OK, I just keep, like, going through all these what-if scenarios in my head.

Like, what if we do decide to just keep one?

But then we lose it. And... But then, like, thinking about yours as a backup is just, like, so horrific.

So to me, it seems like the only thing that makes any kind of sense

is that...

- We keep both?

- WHISPERS: Yeah. Yeah.

But we can't, because we're not ready for that.

EMOTIONALLY: I mean, we're not. - OK, let's make a call, then?

So we just don't keep mine. That's— - No. Just— I can't hear it. - I don't— I just—

- I just— It's awful. I just— I feel so angry that we even have to be having this conversation.

- What are you two lesbians squabbling about?

Can I call you that? - Yeah, totally. - Totally.

- Yeah. We're just— We were talking about the wall colour, weren't we? - Yeah, like...

- What is it? - Is it blue? - I don't know.

(OCEAN ROARS)

- Oh, I thought I could hear the ocean. - Oh, sorry. I'll turn it down.

- Is that new? - Yeah. Yeah. Nat and Steph got it for me.

- Why? - Uh, oh, I think they just knew that I wanted one.

- What? They didn't get me anything. - Oh.

- Is everything all right with those two?

Because I feel like there's a real 'Mum and Dad are separating' vibe going on.

- Yeah, I think they just need some alone time, to do whatever couples do to reconnect.

Like, you know, walk along the beach, hold hands- - So they are on the rocks?

- Uh, nah. Nah, nah. They're good. Everyone's chill. You don't need to worry. I'm going to go for a run.

So, just, um...

- WHISPERS: What?

Since when do you run?

- A couple like that deserves a house like this.

I bet she does reformer Pilates and then exfoliates her whole body and then puts moisturiser everywhere,

not just on her face.

- I don't know if you resent this woman or want to have sex with her.

- Bit of both.

- She's lost it, man.

She's looking at houses and schools in the area and shit.

- Wait, you're not moving out, are you? We were always going to do this together.

Not to mention, all the furniture in the house is yours and Steph's,

like the vacuum and Steph's hair straightener that I used for those bro-hawk years.

- Nah, there's fat chance of that happening, mate, because Steph can't make her mind up about anything.

- Yeah, I don't know, Nat. Just seems like a lot to be putting on Steph.

I mean, that's a lot for me. I've gone for a run four times this week.

- Yeah, but your calves are looking fly, dog. - Thanks, man.

But you know, just, it's a lot for Steph, considering everything she's been going through with IVF—

- No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't you take Steph's side. You're my emotional support, Johnny.

She's got Lily. - Well, that doesn't seem very fair.

She's very suss, by the way. - Yeah, I know, I know.

We just have to sit on it for a little bit until Steph makes a decision,

which will probably be in another five years.

- Nat, it's your choice as well. You can't just put it all on Steph—

- OK, no, that's it. No more treats for you.

Not until you take my side, like a good friend should. Get off my chair.

God, sitting there, telling me your 'truths I need to hear', but don't want to.

Have more.

(SIGHS)

- Have you started looking for homes yet?

- Yes. We actually just started yesterday.

- It's pretty tough out there. - Yeah.

- We were so lucky to get ours for the price that we got it for.

- Oh, wow. You're like one of those news stories about the miracle millennials

who bought their first house at 25. - I was 22, actually. (CHUCKLES)

Good for you. That's— That's lit.

- So after looking at your account and all our outgoings,

unfortunately, we're not going to be able to approve your mortgage for today.

- W— What? What? - Yeah, you're what the bank calls a financial liability.

I wouldn't be too disheartened, though.

- Is that what it says? That— That I am a financial liability?

- Oh, that's what the bank calls you. - I'm a lawyer.

Like, I can use Excel. I'm not a liability.

- Well, according to the bank and your accounts, you are.

- So what do I do, then? - Well, you can always lend through your parents.

Uh, you can get rid of some of your subscriptions,

stop getting your hair done— - Yeah, yeah, right. - Focus on specific savings tactics.

- Oh, God. Oh, God. Please don't say that. I actually just can't handle listening to this advice

coming from a fellow millennial, so— - Technically, I'm Gen Z cusp.

- Oh, Gen Z cusp. Yeah, of course you are. Um...

- Is there anything else I can help you with today?

- Um, no. (LAUGHS)

No, absolutely not. There's nothing— nothing you can do for me at the moment, in my life.

- OK..? - Just so you know, the sound of your nails on that keyboard

is the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.

OK, so, yeah.

(SIGHS)

(CRASH!)

- (SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION)

(SIGHS, BREATHES DEEPLY)

- So what was the sound like? Was it like a crunch or like a crash

or like— - It was sort of like a— (WEAKLY IMITATES CRASH)

I'd say. - Oh.

- Yeah. - Thought the whole stereotype about gays crashing was like male gays,

not like women. We're supposed to be able to drive like, pickup trucks and like tractors and stuff

cause we're lezzas. - I was just thinking about other things

and didn't realise it was in drive. - That's fine. It's an honest mistake

and anyone could have done that. - Thank you so much for your wonderful support, Nat.

I really, really appreciate it.

- Yum. - Look at this.

Ooh. Oh, wine. Oh, that's a good idea, isn't it? Wonderful. Just little splash-a-roo for me.

Shall we say grace? - Yes. - Yeah.

- Wonderful thing to do. - Can I start? - Oh, please do, Natalie.

- God! This curry is so good, isn't it? (ALL MURMUR IN AGREEMENT)

- Yeah. Yeah. And it's, like, it's hot, but not hot-hot.

- I was thinking the exact same thing, Johnny.

Like it's the perfect amount of heat for your mouth, isn't it?

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really good.

- Um, sorry. What's going on?

- What do you— What do you mean? - What's going on?

- Just having dinner. - Yeah.

- No. Why are you all acting all happy-happy, joy-joy,

setting the table like we're Swiss Family Robinson.

- Oh. Don't we do it every night? - Were we doing that? Yeah. - Same thing we do every night.

- It feels— To be honest, it feels pretty normal to me, what's going on here.

- Right, so you're just going to keep gaslighting me, even though I have a sixth sense for drama

and you're all acting like you've buried a body.

- Yeah, can't we just be happy? - No, because it's a cover up for something.

It's just like that time you told me my resin art was so good that I should sell it online.

- I love the piece that you made me. - I spent money on a business Instagram account.

I'm still running sponsored posts that I don't know how to stop.

- Sorry about that, but...

This is— This is nothing that concerns you, so...

- So there is something. - No, it's— - BOTH: It's nothing.

- Saying 'It's nothing'...

still means it's something, though, right? So there is something.

And you know, too. Why can't you just tell me what it is?

- Maybe we just drop it, yeah? Chill vibes only.

- OK. - Yeah, let's just eat dinner. - OK. So, cool.

So you three just have a thing and I'll just be left out of it, even in my own house.

EMOTIONALLY: You guys would all be homeless if it wasn't for me.

Remember that. Just remember that.

- She wants one of us to go after her. - Yeah.

- Obviously. - Bags not. - Sorry.

- Hi.

- I just feel like it's really unfair that nobody in this house trusts me, when I hardly ever gossip.

- Lily, you gossip all the time. - Yeah, sure about other people's stuff.

But I keep most of our stuff private.

- Most of it? Yeah. That's kind of a case in point right there.

- Everybody cooling off OK out here?

Need to go and talk it out in the Big Brother cam, or..?

- Look, I just feel like it is pretty disrespectful of you guys to keep something private

when I tell you guys everything. - Uh, well, you give it up willingly.

- I know you're looking at open homes.

- What? How do you know that? - Sorry. - BOTH: Johnny.

- And I know something's been going on. You know, it's big stuff for you guys,

but we said we were in this together.

- Well— - Nat, no.

No. - Oh, my God. Wait.

- Here we go. - Are you fucking pregnant?

(WAILS)

- Oh my God. - Take her batteries out.

- SCREECHES: I'm going to be a godmother.

- We can discuss that. - Oh, my God. This is huge. Oh, come here.

- I'm also pregnant. - Nat. Jesus Christ. - What?

- Yeah. - (WAILS)

- Oh, my God. Stop. Lily, stop. Stop! Shh.

- Oh! Oh, wait. Is this all from my birthday night?

- Yeah, we were just kind of holding back from telling you because we weren't sure what we're going to do,

but we're— we're going to do this.

- We are? - Yeah.

We're going to have both babies.

- EMOTIONALLY: Oh, and they're probably going to have the same birthday as me.

- Nope, you are missing a whole nine months there, babe.

- Oh.

(SCREAMS) - OK. I appreciate that you're excited, but we need to—

- Go inside, yeah. Just... reduce the volume.

- Wait, wait, wait. Yes. - Yes. Where's my phone? I need to take a photo.

- OK, yes. OK, I want glamour, back. Can I just, sort of— - Yeah. Nice.

Yeah. Look into the distance. - You know? It's like. - That's crazy.

- Oh, that's actually pretty cute. - Oh, can't believe it.

Yeah. Nice.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Oh, she's under the weighted blanket. That's not a good sign.

- So we're having both babies.

- Yeah. That's what you wanted, right?

- Yeah, I— Yeah, I guess it is. I just didn't realise we'd be going public with it so soon.

- I had to tell her.

Steph, what's going on? Why are you...

STAMMERS: I made a call. That's what you wanted, right?

- Yep. Let's just leave it. You know, like everyone knows now anyway, so let's just—

Let's just leave it. - OK. OK. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

- Nat, what are you doing? - No, no. No. - What are you doing?

- No, I'm not giving this blanket back until you tell me exactly how you feel about me being pregnant.

- This is totally out of line— - No, it's not. You're shutting down. You are shutting down,

and I just want you to be honest. - This is really unethical. I need this for my anxiety—

- No, no, no! Tell me how you feel!

- I'm jealous.

OK?

God.

It's just—

It's just been really... hard for me,

Nat. You know? Like, these past few years,

everything that I've done to my body.

And I've really wanted it. I have really wanted it.

And then, I finally get it.

And...

- And I steal your thunder.

- Look, I'm completely aware of how absurd I sound.

- It's not...

- This is what I want. I want it so much. And I want it with you.

But I just...

I can't shake this feeling, I don't know why.

- SOFTLY: Thank you for telling me.

Like— I mean...

Maybe why— Maybe the reason why is that...

you are pregnant. You know? Like... Your hormonal when you're pregnant.

- Oh my God.

I am pregnant. - Yeah.

- I'm hormonal. - (LAUGHS) Yeah.

- (SIGHS ECSTATICALLY) - (LAUGHS)

Oh my God. Oh my God.

I am. I am actually hormonal right now.

- Yes, it's happening. - (SOBS)

- (LAUGHS) I shouldn't be laughing.

Come here. I'm sorry. - WAILS: I'm pregnant. (SOBS)

- Come here. Come here. That was mean.

That was mean. - (SOBS)

- I'm sorry. - It was mean. - I'm sorry.

- (SOBS, CHUCKLES)

We're gonna have babies. (BOTH LAUGH EMOTIONALLY)

That's so crazy. (BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY)

- LAUGHS: Oh, shit.

Captions by Sally Harper.

Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2023