Original subtitles

[Nora] Previously on Nora from Queens ...

Everybody I love is mad at me right now.

My mom, Nora.

Are you breaking up with me?

- Am I dead? - You're in a mystical vision.

These are your alternate lives.

But there's one more version of you that you should see.

Hey, Nora.

And who the hell are you?

I'm Awkwafina.

Who the fuck is Awkwafina?

Okay. Nice. You've been me the whole time.

- You seem unimpressed. - No, no, not unimpressed.

It just--It just seems like a lot, you know,

with the shadowy garb and the--

And the-- Oh, it's me.

It's not only me, meta. It's me, me, right?

- Mm-hmm. - The real's a lot.

It's all part of the learning journey, Nora.

Literally, all of this is for you.

[laughing]

Sorry. Is there something funny to you?

No, it's just--I'm just excited to see what kind of cockamamie

version of us you are now. Are you the billionaire,

but I don't have any thoughts in my head?

Or are you a famous athlete, but wa-oh Halloween spirit?

Wazzup!

What the fuck?

Nora, chill.

Don't, don't, don't you tell me to chill.

Just shut the fuck up and have a seat, please.

Please.

These goddamn fucking people, man.

Why do I even do this? Why do I even do this?

♪ Do it, baby

♪ Do it, do it, baby

♪ Do it, baby

♪ Do it, do it, baby

♪ Do it, baby

Thank you, Kelsey.

How's Grandma and Dad?

They're all right, I guess.

You know, when I was younger,

I wanted to spend every second with Grandma.

I couldn't wait to finish school,

so-so that I could come back and hang out with her.

But she was always busy working.

And I used to say, when I grow up and you retire,

I'm gonna hang out with you all the time.

And now I'm the one that's too busy.

So are you, like, Kelly Clarkson level famous?

I just... wish I had more time with them,

like you do now.

You have people giving you lemon water.

I'm the nobody Nora.

Well, we could change that.

Thank you.

Now that you've seen the alternate versions,

which Nora would you wanna be the most?

Hmm. Well, do you have other examples,

or were those nightmare vignettes the only contenders

of choice?

They're the only contenders of choice. Yes. Why?

No reason.

Other than that they were all insane, insufferable,

miserable and selfish.

None of them cared about Dad and Grandma.

And I was literally fucking a Japanese sex robot

- the entire time. - Right. Yeah. No. Yeah.

You have sex with that thing too?

I might have done a little fiddling over the pandemic.

It wouldn't even be a question.

There's no version of me that wouldn't want to choose home.

Even if it's shitty, I'll always be that Nora.

But you could be me if you wanted.

You seem great, but your house is very weird.

It's like a polygamist kind of deal where there is

a lot of people coming in here in cargo shorts and hogas and--

Do you think I literally live here?

- Well, I don't-- - This is a film set, you idiot.

This is a three-wall room. And there's a camera there.

- Okay. - You want some lemon water?

No? We're good, Tim. Thank you.

So you wouldn't want to be another Nora?

I have a family that loves me

and a job that makes me really happy.

And...

I live in a town that I know and love.

- So you wanna-- - Go home.

Yes, I would love--I would absolutely love to go home.

This has been really exhausting. Oh.

Why? Why would you pull me from the feet?

Yeah. Slink down.

[screaming]

Oh.

Oh. Slip this out of your ass pocket.

It's nice to see your penises.

[music]

Grandma.

Oh, Nora. Are you okay?

I've been trying to call you. Did you get your car?

Grandma, it's been crazy.

I have been robbed. My phone got stolen.

- I met Awkwafina. - Who the fuck is that?

It's too convoluted for me to get into you right now.

But-but I just need you to know that I'm the one

that chose family.

Oh, well, our family is all messed up right now.

Brenda called me. She said that your father broke up with her.

What? Why?

He's going through some kind of midlife crisis.

He won't talk to anybody, not even me.

- He ran away this morning. - Ran away?

To where?

- Dad. Dad. Open up! - Leave me alone.

Oh, my God. With the hanger? Really?

Oh. Oh, no. Oh, my God.

It smells like hamster feed.

Oh man, it's cold.

Dad, this is so depressing.

Oh. How did you find me?

You are literally parked outside the goddamn house.

Why are you in here?

I've been hiding from your grandma.

Because you broke up with Brenda?

I didn't mean to break up with Brenda.

I'm such a fuck up.

And now I'm going through some serious

Secret Life Of Walter Mitty shit. You have no idea.

Just letting everybody down.

I guess that's the way it's supposed to be.

A guy my age...

better get used to it.

I've had visions, Dad.

I've seen our alternate lives. I've seen you.

Where you look like shit. You are shit.

Your life is shit. And-and me, I have opportunity.

Sure. I have money. Sure, but I'm empty and sad and tragic.

Kind of like the way that you are now.

I don't want you to...

let your second chance at love walk out the door.

You know what?

- What? - You're right.

- I'm gonna need your help. - Okay.

- Will you help me? - Of course.

Your dad needs help.

[Chuck] You doing okay, Mom?

- Yes. - Yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, you-you like to think that everything is

gonna work out, but, you know, sometimes it won't.

I'm fine. I'll be fine.

For what it's worth, I really liked Wally.

Oh, I know. Me, too.

But it's so exciting. I mean, your deejay set's in the museum.

Yeah. Yeah, it's actually in there.

Oh. Oh, you can play some of my favorites

like Whitney, Mariah. And that guy who sounds like a frog,

but he's really nice. What's his name?

[Chuck] Mom, what are you listening to?

[Brenda] Chuck. Chuck, where'd you go?

[Chuck] Sorry, Mom. Just stay there for a second.

Oh. Oh, no, no. Is this a haunted house?

Oh...

♪ Hi, sweetheart

♪ Yeah

Edmund?

♪ I didn't mean it when I said I didn't love you so ♪

♪ I should have held on tight ♪

♪ I never should have let you go ♪

♪ I didn't know nothing I was stupid ♪

♪ I was foolish I was lying to myself ♪

I'm Constantine from Sam Ash.

Yeah, I remember.

♪ 'Cause baby when you left ♪

♪ I lost a part of me

♪ It's still so hard to believe ♪

♪ Come back, baby, please Come back, come back ♪

♪ Cause we belong together

Oh, shit. I fucked up the last note.

- Hey. - Hi.

I like your haircut. Oh, is this a model of New York?

Look, I'm an idiot for everything

these past few months,

but I love you.

I love the life we're gonna have together.

But I do have one question that I actually never got the chance

to ask the right way

in front of all of New York.

Brenda,

will you marry me?

You really are an idiot.

Yes! Yes!

Come up here! Come on!

Ah, shit. I'm stuck at LaGuardia.

[music]

[Grandma] Let's go, bitches! Chop, chop.

We haven't got all day. My son's getting married.

- Hey. - Hey.

Need some help?

Yeah, sure. That'll be nice.

Yeah.

So...

I wanted to tell you, I am moving to Mexico City.

Oh.

The vibes there are super awesome.

- And tacos, you know. - Nice.

I do have aspirations to one day move out of New York.

I've got it.

Oh.

- There you go. - Thank you.

- Yeah. - Okay. Well.

I just wanted to say it was super sweet of you to get

our parents back together.

Yeah. Yeah. It was super sweet of you as well to help--

to dually, to help them. Yeah.

We make a good team.

We do. We should do more-- team activities.

Do you know how to play gin rummy?

Oh, oh. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It was a little garden snake there.

It's okay. It's fine.

- We can't. - Yeah, no. We--

We absolutely can't.

I mean, we're pretty much blood related now.

Yeah. I'm also...

I'm also realizing I had-- I had garlic bread earlier.

For breakfast?

It was more of a Texas toast kinda.

- Yeah. Yeah. It was. - Have you been to Texas?

- No. - There's the champagne!

- Champagne. - And the guests are arriving!

There is absolutely champagne. And we must go. And we must go.

[music]

- I love weddings. - What business do us old ladies

- have going to weddings anyway? - Why? Hey, come on, guys!

We're the most vivacious bitches in town.

You're right.

We should start group exercises.

Get our dome pieces on point for that D.

You first have to take that dome piece out of that

stupid bucket hat of yours.

Oh, I like my bucket hat!

Ellen, what do you think?

- I'm so sorry. - No, no, no.

You're fine. I didn't mind.

- Oh, we've met before. - Yeah.

- At Sam Ash. - I'm Patrick.

- I'm Edmund. - Hi.

Hey.

I actually have to run because I'm in the band,

but I'll see you around.

- Yeah. - Okay. Okay.

Yo, that dude is totally into you.

What? No.

- You think? - Yeah. I have eyes.

I don't know. I'm trying to be good

and not hook up with random people

and actually get to know them first.

Okay, so-- You can get to know him.

[Man] All right, everyone, please take your seats.

The wedding is about to begin.

- Can I do it this time? - Go for it, man.

A one, a two, skiddly, diddly do.

[music]

[music]

[Nora] All right. All right. Please be seated.

Hello, everyone. Thank you so much for being here today

to celebrate the union of Wally and Brenda.

Like all human beings, we all go through a mind hole of

alternate versions of our lives

where else we could have ended up.

And, Grandma, I did put you in a nursing home in one of them.

And I apologize. I would never do that.

I would never.

Alas, we choose the version that is here and now.

I'm so happy that you guys found each other.

And-and-and-and I support it, no matter if I have to become

a celibate monk. I don't get any ass.

I-I just know that this is where I'm supposed to be.

And this is where you're supposed to be, too.

- So unless anyone objects-- - I object!

- What? - I love you, Nora.

But we were just in the kitchen area.

And I tried to make out with you, and you were like,

no, no, you're my blood sister.

- Brother, but, yeah. - No, I love you, Nora.

I've always been kind of attracted to you.

And ever since you became a minister,

- I'm just gonna shoot my shot. - Melanie, sit down!

Shot denied! You're my best friend.

You have a kid and a boyfriend, sicko.

Nora, I flew in from China to say I love you too,

but like a friend's way.

- Thank you, Grace. - Who's Grace?

[Teddy] I just wanna say that I don't love Nora

- and I never have. - That's not necessary, Teddy.

I love you, too, Nora.

Oh, hell no, bitch!

What the hell, Brenda?

Oh yeah? You think you can just do that?

Just go. Retreat!

- Damn, you could see him? - Yeah.

What's going on?

- Nothing. It's absolutely. - I love you, Noboo.

- Oh, my God. - That's not my goddamn name.

You told me we were going to the Empire State Building!

Philandering elf!

What the hell is happening?

Everything's fine. It's just his giant elf wife.

So by the powers vested in me by ordainedministerfast.com

in the state of New York, I now pronounce you man and wife.

And I have to go because she's coming.

[Wedding March playing]

[crowd applauding]

[Nora] Go Grandma!

♪ Yo, what you know about goin' out ♪

♪ Head west, that act's friend in a Lex or a Benz ♪

♪ Let's begin

♪ Bring the BS to an end Come on ♪

♪ Bad, bad, bad, bad boy ♪

♪ You make me feel so good ♪

♪ You know you make me feel so good ♪

♪ That's what we do

♪ Bad, bad, bad...

[laughing] That was crazy, huh?

Yeah. I'm about to pass away.

I had, like, 16 slices of cheesecake.

You know, when you were a baby, you used to walk around

like a little nut. Bumping into things,

yelling at everyone.

The only time we heard silence [laughing] when you would hide

in the corner to poop.

I must have been cute.

[laughing] You know what you used to call me?

What?

Best friend.

You think it'd be all right if I--I don't know. Moved?

Left the city someday?

Oh, Nora. I don't ever want to be an anchor tying you down.

As long as you are happy, I'm happy.

Being with you makes me happy, Grandma.

Me too, Bao Bao.

You always got me.

[music]

[Grandma] Ooh, looks like Li-Wei got herself a young man.

[music]

[bell tinkles]

Anything to quit this place.

You know, my uncle turned one of his corner stores

into a kombucha bar, but for dogs.

Immediately profitable.

You know, this could be my fourth acquisition

here in Queens.

I just love that the rent is so cheap in this neighborhood

because, well, it's such a shithole.

[laughing]

It's not a shithole.

Excuse me. Who are you?

I'm the manager.

Well, uh, looks like shit.

Yeah, sure, but you could fix that up.

Don't sell the deli to this guy.

Why not?

Well, what if I bought it?

What if I went to a Bank of...

- America? - America.

And take out a--

- Small business loan? - Small business loan,

because I have... I have credit now.

Come on.

You know, a deli is more than just an acquisition.

It's a part of the community. It's a part of the history.

It's the thing in the neighborhood that's not

supposed to leave or change because it's important.

The little people are important.

Even townie losers like me are important.

And I'll love it every day.

I'ma live, laugh, love up in here...

Every day.

And this guy--

She was definitely too close.

[music]

[Wally] Hey, hey, hey, princess.

- Hey. - Hey.

We brought you a little, uh, grand opening present.

It's a Chinese good luck with your business plan.

Oh, thanks.

I just brought some alcohol from me and Patrick.

Oh, thanks. Oh, I can mark this up.

This place is so nice.

Oh, look at the cat! I love it.

He's got HGH.

Oh, wow. You really made it your own.

Hey, Grandma, you got that new hot sauce?

Yeah!

Hey, Ma.

I didn't know you were working today.

Oh, I just come in whenever I want.

Oh, yeah.

Have you seen the bong display?

Yeah. Show them the bong display.

Go check out the bong display.

There's one that looks like a penis.

[Nora] Oh, yeah, show that dick bong.

Come on, Jessie.

[Wally] Oh, Ma.

Oh wow, that's a lot of bongs.

No, no, no, no. No, no, Ma.

Ma. Hold on. Hold on. I'll do it. I'll do it.

- I'm already getting it. - Just tell me which one it is.

- Let her do it. - No, no, no, no, no.

Don't manhandle the bongs.

Stop. What? We're getting your grandma a bong.

- What? - What?

[music]

- Damn. - Thank you.

- And for you. - Oh, thank you.

Are you ready to watch this thing?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- Let's do it. - Okay.

All right. Let's do it.

[Grandma] Wally and Brenda.

- [Nora] Wow. - [Grandma] Sweet.

[Nora] That's a nice angle.

Wally and Brenda, you rock!

You totally rock.

We want to celebrate you two with a jam later.

So what do you think? Maybe When a Man Loves a Woman?

I don't know if we have a budget for that one.

[Nora] Oh, oh.

We have a very special guest that's going to be doing

the hit song, Mambo Number Five.

[Woman] Oh my God, is it Lou Bega?

No.

♪ One, two, three, four, five

[Wally] He can really dance.

[Nora] Oh no.

[music]

[Grandma] Such a good time. Let's do it again.

[Wally] Oh, Ma.

[switch clicks]

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