Original subtitles

Oh, I forgot how good this movie is.

I love Joan Cusack.

It's John Cusack. Joan Cusack is his sister.

The parents named them Joan and John?

Yes, I guess so.

Do they have other siblings?

Yes, they have a few others.

One was in A League of Their Own .

That's the one where the sisters have sex, right?

No, it's the sisters that play baseball.

Will you two shut up?

I need to hear my phone in case Brenda finally calls me back.

Oh, God.

Why didn't I tell her I got fired? Why? Why? Why?

Wally, you dumbass.

Dad, it's okay. You-you can get her back.

Just--You gotta do a big gesture, huh?

Like Lloyd and the boom box.

[Wally crying]

Well, Dad, I mean, can-can you blame her?

Look at yourself.

It's like the way that you're positioned and everything.

You can't keep a good woman there by being, like,

depressed all the time.

[Wally] Oh, yeah. Listen to you.

So smug now that you're suddenly so mature.

Oh, what do you even know about love, Nora?

All you ever loved was weed and slacking off.

And Mandy, that slutty freaking car.

You know what, Dad, right now, in your condition,

our life would be a lot better off without you.

How dare you.

I'm going to my room.

[Nora] Okay. Go to your room.

You big baby.

[Wally] Shut up! I am not!

♪ Do it, baby

♪ Do it, do it, baby

♪ Do it, baby

♪ Do it, do it, baby

♪ Do it, baby

♪ Say what's the world coming to ♪

♪ And tell me what I'm supposed to do ♪

♪ We gotta find love today I know there's a way ♪

♪ It's gonna be all right

♪ What's the world coming to ♪

♪ And tell me what I'm supposed to do ♪

[Nora] Here's your bacon, egg and cheese.

What are you-- What are you doing later?

Um, thank you, Nora. Appreciate you.

Bye, Deshawn. Yeah, I love you.

He wants it so bad, it's ridiculous.

Hey, do you guys have, um, Lady Menthols?

Yeah. Yeah, we do.

- Um, it's you. - Who?

- You. - Me?

Do you remember me from the library in 2003?

You were the unlikeable time traveler.

Why was I unlikeable?

Well, you were in a bit of a rush, you know.

Because I was fucking time travelling back home.

How's the present?

You know, the present's all right.

Um, you know, I've just been working.

Saved up enough money to buy a car,

so I'm gonna go pick her up tonight. Very excited.

Oh, that's so great! Oh, are you gonna live in it?

I feel like you're gonna live in it.

No, I'm not gonna live in it. I will drive it.

I mean, I lived in my Miata from '92 to '96.

- Jesus. - Oh yeah.

I was doing van life way before it was cool.

- It's not really van life. - I got to explore America.

I feel like you could do that, too.

I-I just--I don't know if I could ever leave New York.

- You know, I live by one rule. - Okay.

You can leave New York and see the world.

Or you can stay in New York and have the world come to you.

That's surprisingly insightful.

Well, I mean, I am Mensa, 12 languages.

- Yeah. - Yeah. So.

And you're--you're young. I mean, relatively young.

- I mean, what are you, 39? - No!

Because you have a little bit of crow's feet.

But then your hair is so full and--

Here you go, your menthols.

Thank you so much. Great to see you.

Well, I'm so glad you carry these.

- I can't wait to-- - Absolutely.

- be back. - Yes.

- Bye. - Bye.

Come on, Bren. Come on, come on, come on.

[Grandma] This emo piece of shit.

- You're still here? - Holy shit.

You need to make a big gesture! Get Brenda back.

- I know. I know. - Do something romantic!

Ow!

Why are you being such a baby bitch?

Jesus Christ. Watch your fucking language, Ma.

[music]

[Nora] All right. We're closing early today.

I know it's crazy with the economy and whatnot.

Have a good one, sir. Here we go.

All right.

Oh, Nora. Oh, what are you doing here?

I thought you were going upstate to pick up your new car.

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

No. I-I-I'm gonna take the bus to New Paltz.

My dad was supposed to drive me, but we had a fight.

New Paltz? I own some condos there.

Sold them all.

Hey, don't worry about that, 'cause your investment is safe

right here in Queens. Take a look around.

What's uh, what's going on?

Uh, I didn't want you to find out this way, Nora, but um,

I'm selling the place.

My capital costs are through the roof.

And I need cash quick to pay for my mom's Invisalign,

and a bunch of Uniqlo heat tech vests.

So I'm out of a job?

Well, yeah, but,

I mean, you weren't gonna stay here forever, right?

No.

- That would be dumb. - That would be. Yeah.

Oh, hold on. Go for Moon.

Hey, give me the keys. I'll lock up.

Yeah, there you go.

No, not your keys. Someone else's keys.

[music]

[music]

[Brenda] Why is the door open?

Hello?

What the hell?

[music]

Hey, Brenda. [screaming]

[Wally screaming]

Wally!

[Wally crying]

Oh, I love roses.

[music]

Maybe it was too good to be true.

My baby.

Yes! My baby!

My baby has arrived!

Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry I'm late.

- It's okay. - I'm so sorry.

My youngest had an emergency at soccer practice.

He was throwing up everywhere, beef stroganoff.

I hope he's okay.

He's fine.

And I'm so sorry to ask, but did you remember to bring cash?

Oh, yeah. I have it right here.

No, don't whip that out here.

You don't know what kind of crazies are lurking around.

We can figure that out later.

Do you wanna take her for a spin?

See if everything's to your liking?

Oh, my God.

I would love nothing more than to do that.

Great. Great.

[Nora] Wow, she handles beautifully.

[Seller] She does, doesn't she?

You know, this car has been through so much.

- It has? - Yeah.

I actually gave birth in the very seat you're sitting in

right in the middle of Manhattan, 14th Avenue.

The placenta splashed all into the vents.

That's why the AC doesn't work.

There's no AC?

No, there is.

It's just you can't turn it on by using the knob.

But if you jiggle it in just the right spot,

you can get the fan going.

Using the fan is better than the AC anyway.

It's better for the kids. Do you have kids?

- No, I do not have-- - Well, when you do, Nora,

and they're pooping and puking all over the place,

you're gonna be so thankful to have this car.

Especially with the city driving, stopping and starting.

My daughter gets so carsick, and it's like blah.

City driving, right, like on 14th Avenue

in Manhattan, which doesn't exist.

Someone's quite the little detective.

- Oh fuck, is that a knife? - Yeah. And don't you dare move,

or I will slice and dice you like how I do fajita night.

Jesus Christ.

I'm gonna need the cash. And I need your phone.

You mean my iPhone 6?

Yes. I can still get $40 for it on the darknet.

Okay.

Pull over.

Now, please get out of my extortion car.

Nice doing business with ya.

Oh, thank you for the catchphrase.

Get the door.

Oh, you need help with the door, you knife bitch?

Fuck! God!

I know your license! It's BQ...

Fuck!

Mandy!

Oh, no. Oh. Oh, shit.

[music]

So, what, you snuck into my house to do what exactly,

attack me?

I [sneezes] was trying to do a big, romantic gesture.

[sneezes]

Ow. When you didn't call me back...

God, this shit could kill a grizzly bear.

Wally, I told you I had a busy week at work, and I-I just--

I just needed some time.

I know.

I'm sorry, Bren.

I messed up.

Maybe this is just the universe trying to tell me,

I don't...

...deserve you.

No, this is ridiculous. No one's saying that.

I am.

Everybody I love is mad at me right now.

My mom, Nora.

But the two of them, they're stuck with me.

You're not.

Well, what are you saying?

You're breaking up with me?

[Man] Excuse me. We gotta get him in for his concussion check.

Are you coming with?

If he wants me to.

- It's okay. - Let's go.

You don't have to.

Just forget about me, Bren.

[music]

Who chains a woman's room?

Ew, ew, ew, ew.

Ew.

Oh, come on.

Of course, of course.

This is all your fault because you are stuck,

robbed in upstate New York, the taint of New York.

Paper...

What is this?

Elf magic.

I want you to keep it with you always.

In times of need, it will reveal its power.

Oh! What?

I'm dying!

What is going on? This place again.

- Hello, Nora! - [screams]

It's nice to finally meet you.

What the fuck?

Where am I? Am I dead?

I know I'm dead because I-I can't feel my pussy

in my dreams. And it's very present right now.

You're not dead, bitch.

You're in a mystical vision.

You said your life would be better off

without your dad in it.

Would you like to see what the alternatives would look like?

Alternatives? How?

Remember when Wally and Grandma tried to get you to do Kumon?

- Yeah. - Well, what if you had done it?

Let's see how your life would be different.

You know what? I'd have definitely quit Kumon,

but okay.

Listen, Melbo, you cockless son of a pirate,

if I don't get those depositions by 9:00 AM EST,

I will fumigate your asshole in front of your family

and everyone you know and love. You hear that, bitch?

Yikes.

Lawyer me is cringy as fuck.

You're the general counsel at a hedge fund.

Your credit card is made of pure gold.

That was iconic. You are an inspiration.

That is why you are absolutely going to win LexisNexis

compliance lawyer of the year.

It's nothing but straight slam dunks, you dig?

Oh, I definitely dig.

It's nothing but straight in the field goal.

Cool. And soccer, I live for it.

You think I overuse sports-elated sayings?

Not at all. You could do more.

- No. I'm okay. - Okay.

Me and Zuchy.

Wow. I'm, like, really rich.

I have, like, 15 Mandys.

But where are all the pictures of Dad and Grandma?

You wanna see your dad, huh?

All right. He's a real piece of work.

And not just the needle. I'm talking the whole cactus.

[laughing]

Okay. Why does he look like Tim Curry in Annie ?

Well, Wally used your connections to build his

hot tub/waterbed business.

What does that mean?

The key to success...

is hot water.

All you need to know is he made a killing,

but in this life he never met Brenda.

And you two had a falling out when he didn't hire you

as general counsel.

Claudette, baby. Come on. A little more elbow, please.

Where's Grandma?

Follow me.

Johnson, what are you doing here? This is my crime scene.

- Is it? - It is.

I remember. I always remember.

You tell him, Edmund.

You put her in a home six years ago.

Why?

Because you're very busy with work and everything.

And you were afraid of leaving her on her own at the house.

Edmund, you're such a slut.

Well, do I come visit her at least?

Well, you want to, but you're very busy.

- I'm what? - You're very busy!

- I'm very what? - Oh, my God. Let's just go back.

[music]

- We just got the call. - Give me some good news, baby.

You did it.

You are the LexisNexis top compliance lawyer of the year!

Finally!

After eight years of-of bringing my A-game

and straight serving it up.

Yes, Queen! I'm gonna get some champagne.

You should celebrate.

- What are you doing tonight? - I have to jet to a hinge date.

Oh. Oh, appreciate that. Getting some dick.

Nice. I've dabbled in the D game.

Um, none in extremely high numbers, but--

Quality over quantity.

The quality was low as well.

This is so embarrassing.

Is there anything else I can do for you before I go?

Yeah. Maybe get my grandma on the horn.

Absolutely.

And if you could give us some privacy

because we have a very intimate--

- Absolutely. You got it. - Thank you.

[phone ringing]

Ungrateful granddaughter.

I just wanna tell her that I'm LexisNexis compliance winner.

Oh, she didn't pick up.

I think she's doing some calisthenics or something.

Oh, wow. Great bottle. Great.

And you don't wanna a glass, right?

- Bye. - Bye.

Okay, so I have a good job and money,

but I'm clearly not happy. I don't have any family.

Is family what you want?

I mean, I guess. Right now I have nobody.

Congratulations, Nora. Thank you.

Well, you do have that sex robot behind the screen.

The what?

You are so successful. You are a brilliant lawyer.

- What the-- - You are so successful.

- You litigate so well. - I missed you, baby.

Oh, my God. Am I gonna use that?

Yeah. I think so.

I want sex.

If you want, when we have sex later,

we can go over some more of those depositions

and case loads.

I can't. I can't.

[Robot] You make so much money.

We're back at home?

This is your life if you had gotten married, had kids.

[Mom Nora] Hi, to all my live streamers.

I love being a parent, but as you guys know, it's very hard.

But my favorite part of being a parent is obviously being a

caretaker of my little one. Say hi.

Is that Arthur from 8th grade?

He was such a basic bitch dork.

Oh, look who that is. Daddy's home.

- Hey. - Daddy's home.

- Go get your elephant, bud. - Go show me elephant.

Hey sweetums.

Blech. Gross. Okay. Sorry, no. It's gross.

It's gross to watch, you know?

Okay, I got some packages for you.

[Mom Nora] Oh.

Uh, there's some mail for your dad, uh, some bills.

Oh, bills.

Oh, and your package from Amazon Prime.

Oh yeah, that's my hairdryer. If we could--Baby, will you

take the mail and drop it off to the courier for my dad?

- No problem. - Thank you so much.

My hubby is the best hubby.

So Dad doesn't live here anymore?

Nope. Yeah. No. Neither Wally nor Grandma lives with you.

- So where do they live? - Follow me.

[music]

[burps and farts]

What is going on here?

Where's Brenda?

Oh, this guy's not dating Brenda.

Oh, no. What is this? What is this?

Oh, my God. Is he eating cat food?

No. It's dog food, but what's the difference?

It's cheap and an excellent source of fiber.

- Is Grandma okay? - She lives with Edmund now.

I'll have dinner ready for you when you get home.

You're so smart, Bao Bao.

The smartest of all my grandchildren.

Oh, my God.

She calls him Bao Bao now?

This is so upsetting.

So do you wanna go back home, then?

- Hey guys, it's Nora. - And Arthur.

And we just wanted to sign off and say goodnight.

[air kissing]

Oh, and also, I gotta take my hair loss meds

that I got through Hims.

Gotta keep that hair looking luscious, you know?

- Nice and luscious... - Are they just doing an ad?

Yes. You need the money.

- Okay. Bye, guys. Love you. - I love you. Bye.

Well, at least I seem kind of happy.

[air kissing]

Well, that went-- nice.

Right to the phone? You're going right to the phone?

What is it now?

Your stupid fantasy football league,

a bunch of goddamn incels?

Oh my God, can I get 30 minutes?

[Nora] 30 minutes of what?

Can you give me 30 minutes of fantasy football?

- That's all I ask for. - Yikes.

I got married to a selfish piece of shit.

Oh no. My God. It's ugly, huh?

I would rather go research how to refinance this fucking house

than spend another second in bed with you.

Okay. Why don't you go research that?

Because we wouldn't have to refinance the house if you

didn't have a gambling problem.

It's NFTs. I told you it's an investment.

Why don't you go masturbate in the other room?

Oh, I will. I will masturbate.

- I'm gonna masturbate a lot. - Why don't you?

Look at how much I'm gonna masturbate!

It's like a marriage.

It's like an Asian American The Marriage Story .

It's tough for you to cum all the time!

[door slams]

Okay. Okay.

What is she doing?

Hey, baby.

You are the best mother and content creator.

Okay. All right. So there's-- So another sex robot here?

You're very crafty.

Do you want me to do the finger thing like last time?

I've waited all night.

Yeah. We should probably go.

Oh my God!

- They're gonna have sex again. - [Robot] Subscribe.

[music]

Jesus. Why am I always fucking that sex doll like that?

Oh, there are usually some constants in these visions.

Yeah. The only constant is that I'm miserable,

even with a nice job, and money and a family.

Well, I think there is one more version of Nora you should meet.

The shit show awaits.

Oh, I wonder where the sex doll's at in this location?

- What the-- - Hey, Nora.

- And who the hell are you? - I'm Awkwafina.

Who the fuck is Awkwafina?

[music]

[Man] Who the [bleep] is Awkwafina?

[music]

♪ MTV

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