Original subtitles

You wanna be a cop?

I wanna be a police officer like you.

Now, wait a minute, Sidney, you can't be a...

Uh-huh. No, I mean...

Yeah, just like I thought, you're not interested.

No, no, I didn't say that. That's not what I meant.

No, you're like everybody else.

You think I'm stupid. No, no, I don't.

Well, let me tell you something.

I'm gonna be something if it kills me.

Look, boy, it's not easy being a cop.

What does it cost me to try?

The pay stinks. The hours are worse.

It's a rough, tough, thankless job.

You don't wanna be a cop.

Yes, I do.

Okay, kid.

I'm gonna make you a cop.

I'm gonna make you the best doggone cop in this town.

Honest to goodness? Honest to goodness.

That's wonderful. Come on, let's go get a badge.

No, wait a minute. Now, wait a minute, boy.

There's a few things we gotta do first.

Yeah, like what?

Well, now, we gotta get you enrolled in the police academy.

Well, that sounds like fun.

Fun, yeah. Well, if you can call

13 weeks of backbreaking work

and brain-busting examinations fun,

well, that's it. Well, don't worry about me.

I can do anything I have to do. I can do anything I wanna do.

Now, how do I get into this here academy?

Well, first you gotta be recommended by a police officer.

Oh, well, that would be you, right?

Yeah, that'd be me.

And then what's the next step?

Well, then the recommendation has to be okay'd

by the precinct captain.

Well, that would be Captain Riley. Mm-hm.

Well, he likes you, doesn't he?

Oh, sure, he's crazy about me.

Yeah, especially now.

Then what do we got to worry about?

Sidney Pythias a police officer?

Are you out of your mind?

But, captain-- Be quiet.

You wanna take this half-baked, dimwitted...

He's not half-baked and he's not dimwitted.

He's just a little... shy. Shy?

This creep ought to have his own revolving door.

Well, I can see it's no use arguing with you

after what that Henshaw dame told you.

Yeah, and if it wasn't for that Henshaw dame,

and you came in here with that stupid suggestion,

I'd hit you over your silly head with that inkstand.

What are you talking about?

Martha Henshaw just left here.

She told me that in her opinion,

you were best qualified to handle so-called

delinquents like Sidney.

She said she wouldn't interfere.

Yeah?

She said that? Yeah.

Well, what do you know.

But as far as making Sidney Pythias a police officer,

don't you think that's pushing things a little too hard?

Captain, I promise you he can do it.

And I promise you

that in 24 hours,

the police academy will be burned to the ground.

No, I won't okay it.

Is that final, sir?

That's final.

Yes, sir.

Final.

Mike.Yes, sir?

Do you really think...? Captain,

he's honest, he's got guts

and he's a decent human being.

Captain...

Captain, I'm begging you.

All right.

I'll okay it.

But get this.

He's your responsibility,

first, last and always. Yes, sir.

And if anything goes wrong--

No, no, sir, nothing will go wrong,

captain, nothing will go wrong, I promise you.

Nothing, I promise.

Nothing.

Gentlemen, we're in trouble.

Terrible, terrible trouble.

All right, now, do you understand?

Yeah, perfectly. I understand that.

Okay, what's next? Well, this here.

What's that, what's that?

That's your application for the police academy.

What's it say, what's it say? There's a lot of questions.

For example, for example? Well, there's...

You have to repeat everything twice?

Oh, no. Oh, no. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Now, let's get down to...

Hey, how about that Martha Henshaw

turning out to be a right chick, huh?

Yeah, that's terrific.You can't knock a girl like her.

No. She's honest and pretty,

beautiful, intelligent. Lovely girl.Oh...

You know, and she could really have

fouled me up with Captain Riley.

But she didn't. She turned around and made me a big man.

Oh, that's really terrific.

Yes, sir! Now, the appli...

Hey, you sort of like her, huh?

Fair. Uh-huh. Fair. Yeah, well,

I think you like her a little better than a lot.

As a matter of fact, I think that's all

you got on your mind right now.

No, you're crazy. The only thing I got on my mind right now

is trying to get you into the police academy.

Ha, ha, ha-- Ha, ha, ha.

Come on, now, Martha, let's get this thing filled out.

Well, whatever you say, Harriet.

You know, I was talking to Hilda on the phone Sunday,

and she said that there was no chance of us...

Let's get to the application, then.

Yeah, let's get to these requirements.Yeah.

You're an American citizen, right? Right.

Right. 21 years of age or over, right? Right.

Right. Sound of body?Right.

Right. Sound of mind?

Could we go back to that question a little later?

I'd like to check on it.

Oh-oh. Here's one. Where, where?

Here, here.

They prefer that you speak a smattering

of a foreign language.Why?

Well, suppose you're put on duty

in a neighborhood where they only spoke a foreign language.

Oh, you mean like Brooklyn?

Well, that makes sense. I can speak a smattering of Mongolian.

Oh, yeah? You wanna hear?

Yeah.

You're kidding.Would I lie to you?

Yeah, well, that's all very well, but look,

you've gotta speak a normal foreign language.

Well, in high school, I took four years of French.

Yeah? You wanna hear some?

Yeah.

No.

No.

All right, Sidney. Come on, now,

we're wasting time. We've got things to do here.

What's this? What's what?

This. This?

Well, this is part of your entrance exam.

I borrowed it from the police academy

so you could get used to it.

Oh, well, what's it do? Oh, well, here.

There we go. Oh, I know what that is.

Yeah, what is it? I don't know what that is.

It's a test designed to test your reflexes

and your reactions.

See, now, you take out all these little blocks here,

you mix them up all real good, see?

Then, in a given length of time, you take it back

and you put the octagonal in the octagonal hole,

the round one in the round hole.

Simple, huh? You did very well.

Thank you. Okay, what's next?

No, no, Sidney, no. I want you to work the blocks.

Oh, no, wait a minute, that's for kids.

Come on, try it.

No, but I-- Please.

But I-- Now!

Okay. I feel a little silly, though, because kids do this,

you know, and it's so simple. Out. Out.

All of them? Yeah. All of them.

All right, now...?All right.

Now!Okay.

How much time have I got to do this?

This... Here, I'll put this...

They don't fit good like when yours... Was.

You mustn't get mad, though, when...

They don't fit as good.

Well, the kids I saw were larger kids, maybe.

You can just throw it right in it.

How did yours fit in so nice when you...?

It's hard to do this part.

It don't work good with me.

This... Maybe...

You get awfully frustrated when they don't...

Maybe the kids were using different kinds of blocks.

Ohhh-ho-ho-ho!

I hurt it a little.

Well, how was the time?

I mean, I threw one away when I was... And I...

You see, I... But I...

What if I didn't...? You can't close the box?

But I... I mean, it fell into place like...

How was it, then?

All right, now, come on,

let's get this application filled out.

Come in. Anybody home?

Well, look who's here. Hello, Sidney.

Hello, Miss Henshaw. Just a minute.

Oh, thank you.

Hello. Hi!

I mean, how are you? Oh, just fine.

I stopped by to apologize to both of you.

I acted quite childish.

Oh, no, no, it's me who should apologize.

I talked with Captain Riley and...

I mean, thanks for those kind words.

Well, I know you boys are busy.

No, no, we're not!Oh, yes, we are. You see,

I'm practicing and rehearsing because

I'm going into the police academy.

Captain Riley told me. Good luck, Sidney.

I know you'll pass. Thank you very much.

Well, I do have a date. I should be...

Well, uh, uh...

Well, can't you stick around a while?

How can she? We got a lot of work to do.

I gotta learn about the application

and putting the blocks,

and you gotta teach me... Although I know it,

so you don't have to teach me nothing.

Why don't you take Miss Henshaw home

and I'll stay here and I'll work on this.

Oh, Sidney, that won't be necessary. I can take a cab.

No, no, I insist!He insists.

Uh, yeah. Come on.

Oh, excuse me a minute. Sidney, come here.

Look, I want you to study this application,

then fill out the questions very thoroughly.

I'll check with you when I get off work.

All right?All right. Oh, listen.

You don't like her at all, right?

No. No.

Hee-gee.

Goodbye, Sidney.Goodbye, Miss Henshaw.

Bye, kid.

I'll lick you yet!

This goes in here, whether he likes it or not,

and that'll fit there.

But it don't fit, so I won't do that one.

I'll put this one here and that one there.

Good morning, officer.

Good evening, officer.

How do you do, officer?

Oh...

All right, hold it there.

Come along, children. Children, come along.

Hold it. Good morning, honey.

Good afternoon, madam.

Can I help you with your car?

HERMAN: Sidney! Oh, just a minute.

Uh...

One second.

Sidney!

Oh, hello, Mr. Herman. What are you doing?

Well, I'm just playing a game. Forget about the games.

What about the lights? What about the heat?

What about the dumbwaiter? Well, I fixed the dumbwaiter.

You fixed it? Well, yeah.

Well, it don't work! Well, I don't understand that.

I fixed it. I'll show you, Mr. Herman.

I don't understand at all,

because I worked very hard on this thing.

I worked and worked to make sure that it was... I...

So you fixed it, huh? Yeah, well, I thought...

Get out of there! I'll fix this thing once and for all myself.

Be careful of your head, Mr. Herman.

Get me a flashlight! Yeah, but I'd like to...

Shut up and get me a flashlight!

Yes, I will.

I really don't understand this at all.

I fixed it. And you better be careful

that you don't hurt yourself.

Your whole place can get... From in there.

Ahh!

Sidney!

Hello.

I said, hello. I think.

Goodbye. Sidney.

Yeah?

Sidney, am I unattractive? Oh, no, ma'am.

Am I old, decrepit, witchlike?

Oh, no. Then why in the world

do you constantly ignore me?

I'm a young woman, 21 years old, and whether you know it or not,

quite in demand by young men who would just love to take me out.

I know that. I know that.

I know you're in constant demand.

I know a lot about you.

I know you're 21 years of age and you were born in Albany,

you're studying to be a nurse. I know all that.

You're very young, you're very pretty,

you're very much in demand with other fellas and you smell nice.

Well, then why in the world...? Why in the world?

Because I'm nothing.

You don't deserve to be with that, a nothing.

You wait till it's something, me.

When I'm something, then I'll talk to you.

I don't think you should be with nothing. That's it, see?

And I'll be something.

And until then, there's no hugging.

Or kissing and things... With smelling nice.

I'll be somebody and when I'm somebody, then it'll be right.

But I'm not now, so it's no good at all to be with you.

And when I'm somebody,

and it'll be sooner than you think,

sooner than a lot of people think, I'll be something,

then I'll talk to you and all that.

I'll empty your wastebasket.

You smell nice.

Dropped a few of those things...

Mm.

Is this it?This is it, kid.

Well, Mike,

I'm gonna go and pass my entrance examinations

with flying colors.

You can do it, kid. I can do it, kid.

You can do it as well as anybody else, Sidney.

I can do it as well as anybody else, Sidney.

You're gonna be a police officer.

I'm going home. You're gonna stay right here.

Well, I'm scared, Mike.

Now, look, Sidney, after you pass

your entrance examinations,

you're over the first big hurdle.

Yeah, I know, but I'm still scared.

I'd like you to be with me. Maybe you could help me.

That's another thing, now, Sidney.

Remember, I'm a police officer.

As far as you're concerned,

I've gotta take a completely unbiased attitude.

But after work at night, I'll help you out a little.

Oh, good. Thanks a lot, Mike. Good luck, kid.

Thank you.Goodbye.

So long.

Next. Yes, sir.

Name? William C. Goerner, sir.

Goerner. Your temporary serial number is 016439712.

You got that?

Yes, sir. My temporary serial number is 016439712.

All right. You fill out this entrance examination,

answering all required questions.

Then proceed immediately to be graded, third floor, Room 305,

by Sergeant Rose,

after which you'll report to section nine,

personal analysis, B Unit, Sergeant Brown.

Is that clear? Yes, sir.

I fill out the entrance examination,

answering all required questions.

I then proceed immediately to be graded, third floor, Room 305,

Sergeant Rose. I then report to section nine,

personal analysis, Unit B, Sergeant Brown.

Right.

Next.

Yes, sir. Name?

Pythias. Sidney L. Pythias.

Uh... Pintin... Peentakiss.

No, sir, I beg your pardon, that's Pythias.

P-Y-T-H-I-A-S, Pythias.

That's what I said. "Pinktinius."

No, there's no "pink."

No, it's a "Pyth."

P-Y-T-H-I-A-S is Pythias. There's no "pink" in it.

All right, Poontangginius, your temporary--

Where'd you get "Poontangginius"? No.

No, there's no "poontan" in it.

There's no "pink" and there's not even...

It's plain "Pyth." P-Y-T-H-I-A-S, Pythias.

Your temporary serial number is 016439713.

You got that?There's no "poontan" in it.

No, you said "Poontanggini." I said--

No. Just a second, please excuse me.

It's not "Poontanahah," it's Pythias. Pyth... Excuse me.

It's Pyth... P-Y... P-Y-T-H-I-A-S.

It's Pythias, Sidney.

I am not interested in your name.

Did you get that serial number?

Oh, that... My serial number? Yeah, 0 and 2 was there...

Was...? Never mind. Never mind.

It's written on the application anyway.

So I don't need it, do I?

All right, you're section five, so you'll go to Room 619,

sixth floor, Unit B and ask for Sergeant Mizakowski.

He'll give you an AMR number and assign you.

Now, you got that straight?

Yes, sir. I go up to the floor

and it's Room 69.

And there's a Sergeant Misan,

and he'll give me an A and P number.

Six-nineteen. Room...

Now you got me mixed up. 619. I got it now.

Look, it's Mizakowski, Sergeant...

I got it now. Sergeant Mizandhidin.

Sergeant Mizakowski.

No, Pythias. P-Y-T-H-I-A-S is my name.

I thought I was Mizankouzin. See?

Now, just listen to me, mister. Yes, sir. Yes.

Just get up there. Get up there. Where, sir?

Anywhere. I don't care, anywhere, ad-lib it,

do anything, but get out of here!

Yes, I will. Do I get my papers?

Mizanhausen is on the sixth place

with the 19th... Very difficult.

Next. Yes, sir.

Name?Mizakowski.

Chester A. Mizakowski.

How would you like a punch in the mouth?

Say, is this where they told me?

They said to come to the room.

This here?

Are you Sergeant Mizenkozen?

This is your first step in the examination,

and you've got 30 seconds to do it in.

Oh, the box. Oh, this is the box with the squares and the...

The rectangulars and "octagoganals."

I worked with that.

This is a snap, 30 seconds to do... It's a different box.

Left... hut!

Right face!

Parade front!

Left face!

One step forward! March!

Left face!

Forward march!

Hut, hut.

Rear march!

Rear march!

Rear march! Rear march!

Rear march!

Halt!

First of all, be sure the ink is distributed

thinly and evenly on the glass plate.

Then taking the hand,

firmly take the thumb,

or whatever finger you would use,

roll it on the glass plate from left to right.

Then transfer in the same manner to the record.

Now, we'll try it with you first.

All right? Well...

You'd rather have this hand? Yeah, I'm nervous.

It doesn't make any difference.

The chart has for both hands, right and left.

Yeah, but I-- Now, just relax.

Yeah. Just relax. That's it.

I never been fingerprinted before.

Don't worry about it. Doesn't hurt.

Now, just relax. Now, we'll put it right here--

I'm sorry, sir, but you see, I'm nervous.

Pythias, I said to relax.

Yes, I will. Just relax your hand.

All right. Relax it. All right, now.

Relax your hand.Well, I'm trying,

but I'm nervous. I'll tell you what we'll do.

We will now ink the tips of the four fingers

and transfer them in the same manner.

All right? Now, relax. Just relax. That's it.

Well, it's just that I was nervous, you see.

There's nothing-- Well, don't get mad,

because I was just gonna say that I'm nervous...

I didn't mean... Well, you see...

What I meant to say was that because of this...

Wipe it off. Wipe it off?

Yes.Ooh.

Well, I'm awfully sorry, sir, but I'm nervous, you s--

Well, a little will help it, I think.

Wipe it off.

Yes, sir. I'm awfully sorry about...

Maybe I got a different rag to get it.

Today we're covering one of the most important

facets of police work: Self-defense.

We're very fortunate today in having with us the Great Togo.

He has graciously consented to give us an actual demonstration

in the art of sumo wrestling.

How do you do, Mr. Togo?Konnichiwa.

Yeah, konnichiwa.

Now, then, how would you like to proceed?

Doyu hoho o tottara ii deshoka?

Kono naka kara dareka hitori erandara dodeshoka ne?

He would like to pick his opponent.

Oh, well, fine! Fine. Come on in. Here are the boys.

Kono hito wa dodeshoka ne?

He prefers this young man.

Well, now, wait a minute. I don't wanna tell Mr. Togo

his business here,

but you... You'd better tell him that I'd better wrestle him.

Dame rashii desu yo.

Kono kata no ho ga keiken ga arunkara dodesho ka?

Kono kata to sumo shitara ne.

Iya, kono hito wa dame jya.

Yappari boku kono hito no ho ga ii wai.

He still prefers this man to wrestle with.

Well, excuse... Excuse... I mean...

I would... I would... Would you be good enough

to ask him for me, please,

why he wants me?

Naze kono hito ga iindesu ka?

Kono hito wa kore, chotto Nihonjin

mitai na kao shiteru kara ne.

What did he say?

Because you look Japanese.

Oh, because I look Japanese.

Huh?

Oh, well...

Okay, if that's the way you want it.

No, no, wait a minute, Sidney--

Well, it's all right, Mike. He could have chosen anyone,

but he picked me and...

That's fine, wonderful, except I don't think it's fair.

No, I don't think it's fair either.

No, because I'm taller and he can get hurt.

Oh, jeez!

All right, men! Disperse around the edge of the mat. Sit down.

Mr. Terry.

All right. Now, then, Mr. Terry, how do we begin?

Assume the first position.

Ooh!

Well, he told me to come... He said to take this place.

Go!

Oh.

Oh.

Now what? Approach the opponent. Hakkeyoi.

Oh, wait a second. What a scare job!

Hey, wait. No, wait one second, please.

Don't... Don't hurt me. I mean, let's talk a little.

What?

Wait, wait. Friday, if I can get the car, all right?

What...? What did he say then?

He says, "Don't be afraid!"

Yeah, I guess it's silly. What's there to be--?

Afraid of? Wait a second. Don't you help me, that...

There's plenty to be afraid... Wait, hold it a second.

Listen, the "inferityority" complex with the smoking,

I think, is what did it. Sure, you're short,

but don't take it out on me. Wait a second!

Wait a second.

I can be tough and rough too. Don't go with scaring me.

I can scare a little too.

Ooh!

Wait! Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I don't need this. With pain, with hurting,

with killing and hurts.

Don't-- I don't need this at all!

I shouldn't have volunteered in the first place...

No! Oh, no!

Judo. Oh, that's good. Oh! That's very...

Oh, that's good judo.

He's got me now!

But try one of these! I got him. I got him!

Try and get out of this.

He's a little heavy, but I think I got him.

Look at this, he'll never get-- Ooh.

Wait a second, I don't wanna do nothing no more.

Don't fight with me.

Pick somebody else. Don't do nothing, it's not gonna-- Ooh!

I think I'm immune already, you see, because you hit--

It's nothing, you see, I think you can hit me-- I--

Ooh!

Oooh! Unh! Oh! Ooh!

Are you serious? No, I'm only kidding.

Okay? Oh, yeah.

You feel better now? Oh, that's fine.

All right? Yeah, that's much better.

Mike?Here. Here.

Oh. Wow, he was a fat one, wasn't he?

Yeah, he was.

You shouldn't do things like that.

Boy, you can get yourself killed that way.

Well, I had to do it, Mike.

I knew I was goofing in some of my classes and...

Well, I had to do it.

I didn't want those other guys to think I was scared.

Don't worry about the other guys!

You're doing fine. Now, just keep it up.

Am I really? Yeah!

I gotta go.

There's my class for principles of local government.

So I'll see you later, Mike. Yeah, all right, boy. Goodbye.

Hi, Johnny.

Hello, Mike. Wasn't that Pythias?

Yeah.

Say, how's he doing, huh?

Fair. We might have to wash him out.

Oh, no, Johnny.

Look, Johnny, you gotta do me a favor.

He's gotta get every possible break.

Mike, we all know how you feel about the kid, but--

Please, Johnny! If it's humanly possible,

we've gotta get him through.

If he isn't police officer material, Mike, he'll fail.

We can't show any favoritism, you know that. Yeah.

Now, the next phase of training should make or break him.

Starting tomorrow night, he goes on actual police patrol

with a proven police officer.

If he gets by that, he should make it.

Yeah. Thanks.

Have something to eat, Mike. It's delicious.

Oh, I'm not very hungry, thanks.

Sidney trouble?

Mm-hm.

Oh, Mike, I hate to seem impatient with you,

but you must admit a girl can get quite bored

with having her evenings spoiled by the ghost of Sidney Pythias.

Oh, please, Martha,

please don't start that again, now, will you?

I'm afraid I have to start it again.

Unfortunately, I'm an important part of this whole situation.

I like you, Mike. Very much.

I think you like me. You know I do.

And I've got enough ego to wish I were

just as important in your thoughts as Sidney.

Am I, Mike?

What are you trying to do, Martha?

Box me into a corner?

You know how much that kid means to me.

Yes, I do. Now I wanna know how much I mean to you.

Oh.

Okay. I'm not gonna play games with you.

I like you very much.

I like you more than any other woman I've ever known.

But I think we better get something understood right now.

You take me, you take the kid.

And that's only the beginning.

There'll always be other Sidneys, hundreds of them.

Kids that need help.

They'll always be an important part of my life.

I see. I'm sort of third in this league.

No, I didn't say that-- You don't think you did,

but to me it's spelled out quite plainly.

Third place, barely in the money.

I'm sorry, Mike, but I've got to be a winner.

Or at least share first position.

Mike? Yeah?

I wanted you to call me back.

Would you also want me to lie to you?

No.

No, I wouldn't.

Yeah.

Oh, hello, Mike. This is me, Sidney.

Listen, Mike... Oh, excuse me,

I know that you're over there with Martha.

But I'm just working here on my examinations

and I'm not doing so good. Maybe you could help me?

Sure, sure, sure, kid, come right on over.

Oh, I can come over? Oh, well, thanks a lot.

You're sure Martha won't care? No, Sidney.

Oh, okay. All right, I'll be right over, Mike.

Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Where you going, Sidney?

I'm going somewhere.

Hey, I said, I have to go somewhere.

You're sure busy lately, ain't you, kid?

What with police school and stuff.

Forgetting all about your old friends, huh, Sidney?

What's this all about? What do you guys want?

We don't want nothing, Sidney.

We're just trying to be sociable.

Thought we'd stop by and see how you're doing at the police academy.

Gonna be a cop, huh, Sidney?

Yeah, I'm gonna be a cop. If they'll have me.

Oh, man, what a snap it's gonna be

for guys like us if they load the force

with goofs like you. Now, wait a minute--

You're really going ahead with this thing, huh, kid?

Yes, I'm going ahead with it.

You gotta be nuts.

What's the matter with you, you wanna be legit?

Yeah, I wanna be legit. What's so strange about that?

Don't you know every cop's a sucker?

He's a chump, man.

He don't make enough loot to keep him in cigarettes.

And he's a patsy, a 14-karat patsy for every sharpie in town.

Oh, is that so? Yeah.

Well, let me tel l you something, Mr. Smart-Aleck.

A police officer happens to have the respect of decent people,

which eliminates you and your friends, Monk.

Let him alone!

Come on, Art. Let him alone.Why?

Get out of here!

Maybe I got you figured all wrong, huh?

What I mean is, maybe you're smarter than I figured you were.

How do you mean?

The angle.

What angle? Well, yours.

You gotta have one.

Look, Sidney, nobody, I mean nobody,

does nothing without an angle.

If you got something taped, let me in on it,

maybe I can make it easier for you.

You're crazy, Monk.I'm what?

You're nutty. You gotta be a little nutty.

Because you figure that the whole world...

The whole world is built sideways

and that everybody's looking to put a finger on everybody else.

And that don't add up, huh? No, that don't add up, Monk.

All right, fat mouth, why don't you show me where I'm wrong.

Maybe you're the perfect example, huh?

A janitor making 60 stinking bucks a month

to wrestle garbage people throw at you.

The same people that laugh at you,

spit at you, tab you as an idiot!

You're a fine one to tell me that

there's a shining light somewhere!

Yeah? Well, I'm gonna--

You're gonna nothing. You're gonna wind up just like me,

kicking and scratching every inch of the way!

Look, Sidney, wise up.

There ain't no shortcuts. Man, you gotta draw blood!

Well, you're wrong, Monk.

You're all wrong, see?

Because nobody's gotta get hurt.

See, I used to be like you, Monk,

and I got lucky.

See, because I found out I was wrong.

That nobody's looking to break your back.

There's an awful lot of nice people in this world, Monk,

and I just wanna be one of them.

Yeah.

Well, you listen to me, Sidney,

and you listen hard.

You ain't got a chance.

Because guys like you and me are born losers

and we gotta come up empty.

There ain't no other way.

But I got a clue for you.

Before I go under,

I'm gonna make a lot of noise.

Monk. Monk, why didn't you let me belt that jerk?

I mean, what'd you stop me for? I got confused.

Confused? Yeah.

He made sense.

Let's get out of here.

Now, this phase in your training

is probably the most important one.

It's a chance for you to prove how you'll function

under typical circumstances as a police officer.

Now, each one of you cadets will be paired off

with a tried police officer,

who will judge you on your performance

during this trial period.

You've now had 12 full weeks of police training,

but should an emergency arise,

you're to make no decisions on your own.

But you're to look to him for whatever solution is necessary.

And remember this, you're under arms.

Now, don't touch that gun unless you intend to shoot somebody.

And if you do, you'd better have a sound reason.

Dismissed.

Well, Mike, I'm all excited.

I wonder what part of town we'll get.

Well, it'll look familiar to you, kid.

It's your neighborhood.

My...?

Good evening, sir. Hello, officer.

Hi, officer. Good evening, ma'am.

Ooh.

Nice night. Get out of here!

It happens.

It is a nice evening, though, isn't it?

Yeah, it's nice and quiet. Don't knock it, boy.

Every day without trouble is a plus.

I know that, Mike, but I was kind of looking forward

to a little action tonight.

Yeah? WOMAN: Komm, schnell!

Officer, komm schnell! Was ist?

All right. Come on, Sidney, we'd better go.

Why, she's gonna have a baby!

Why don't you take her to the hospital.

Mama, shh. Mama, shh, shh, shh.

Where's the telephone? I'll call the ambulance,

take her to the hospital. The telephone!

Komm rein. Ich werd's zeigen.

Where you going? You stay here!

Me?! Yeah, you!

Wait a minute. What if the baby...?

Relax. She's got plenty of time.

Now, don't worry about it, huh?

Lady, don't do nothing.

I mean, ma'am, they went to get a hospital

to come here to take you to the ambulance, you see.

So, uh, relax.

Well, just take it easy, ma'am.

What's...? Don't do nothing now.

Just... Could you wait just a few minutes?

How long does it take to make a phone call, lady?

You see, because...

What is it?

Oh, wait, please. Just do me a favor, would you?

Personal. Wait, because...

They'll be right back.Noo!

Take your mind off it for a second, lady.

Maybe if you just took your mind off it, you'll feel better.

Like I play baseball. You like baseball?

Once, I was playing baseball...

Just listen to this.

Oh, please wait! They'll be back-- It'll only--

Oh, lady. Lady, wait!

Please, lady, wait! I'm highly emotional.

Ooh! Wait!

What's the matter with you guys?

Does it take an hour to get here?

Come on, come on.

Here, boys. Ma'am, is--?

Sidney, wha--?

Oh. Oh. Look, Mike, it's a boy baby!

And she wants to name him Sidney!

Ain't that nice?

It sure is.

It sure is.

POLICE RADIO: Car 119. Car 119.

Go to 16th Street alley entrance. Illegal entry.

Isn't that us?That's us, boy.

Here's the action you asked for.

May be real trouble this time, huh, Mike?

Yeah, it could be, kid.

Aah!

Easy, boy, easy!

It's only a flesh wound.

Now, who in the devil shot him? That wasn't necessary.

You didn't have to shoot me.

You didn't have to shoot me. Take it easy, son.

Call an ambulance.

Let me have your gun. Yes, sir.

Yours.

All right, Carl. Let me see yours.

Well, where is it? I don't know, sir.

I had--

That it? Yes, sir.

You've got some explaining to do, young fella.

Now, wait a minute, sergeant.He did it, sarge.

He shot me, I saw him!

That ain't true. You're lying, Artie!

I ain't lying! You shot me, copper!

I didn't, Mike. I didn't. He's lying.

Honest.

I didn't do it.

He assigned to you? Yes, sir.

Okay. Take him to Captain Riley's office.

Carl, stay with this boy till the ambulance comes.

You, come with me.

Artie, Artie, tell them I didn't shoot you.

Yes, you did. You shot me, copper.

You're lying, Artie. I ain't lying.

Artie, you're lying.I ain't lying. You shot me!

Sidney...

You're a loser, Sidney!

Hello, Mike. Yeah.

I heard about Sidney.

You should feel real good.

He's in trouble. Bad trouble. I feel just delighted, Mike.

So much so I came here to volunteer

my services as his attorney.

I'm sorry.

All I want from you, Officer Damon,

are the facts on what happened last night.

Okay.

Fact number one, it was an accident.

Yes. Fact number two...

I can't let that kid ruin his life.

But if he shot the boy... He didn't. I did.

You? Yeah.

The boys were involved in a heist.

They were coming down the stairs, we came in the alley.

We met in the--

You're not listening. No, because you're lying.

You're a liar, Mike Damon. A wonderfully loyal liar.

Captain Riley, sir, what happened?

Well, the boy signed a statement identifying Sidney.

We're going to have to book him.

Captain Riley...

Look, captain, sir, Sidney did not shoot that boy.

That's what Sidney says, that's what you say.

Okay, I'll play along. Who did?

Nobody did.

I saw his gun fall out of his holster,

and I ran over and picked it up.

You ain't gonna buy this,

but all I wanted to do was steal it.

It's worth about 20 bucks, you know?

Anyway, some guy belted me and the gun flew out of my hand

and landed on the street.

Went off and that's how Artie got hit.

Now, don't ask me why I came here.

I ain't bright enough to answer that.

Except...

Just because I'm a stupe, that ain't no reason

for Sidney not to climb out of the garbage I'm buried in.

He didn't shoot him.

RILEY: Well, Artie said--Artie's lying.

Give me 30 seconds with him and I'll prove it to you.

Gee, thanks a lot, Monk.

Don't thank me.

Captain, any time you're ready,

I'll have a little talk with Artie

and sign a statement, huh?Fine, Monk.

Oh, Captain Riley, sir.

Captain, I was wondering about Sidney's progress report.

This incident won't have any effect on it, will it?

Are you asking me if I'm recommending his appointment

as a police officer? Yes, sir.

Yes, I'm recommending him!

I think you'll make a fine officer.

Thank you, Captain Riley, sir!

Congratulations, boy! Thank you, Mike.

And thank you very much for all your help.

It was my pleasure.

Well, I better go call Patricia.

She's anxiously waiting. Yeah.

Thank you, Miss Henshaw. Thank you very much.

I know why you came down and I appreciate it.

You're welcome, Sidney, and good luck.

Thank you, Miss Henshaw.

Oh, uh...

Mike, uh...

Monk's not gonna be in big trouble, is he?

No, no, Sidney. I think everything will be all right.

Oh, good! Okay. Goodbye.

Goodbye, Sidney.

Is that a boy?

Is that a boy.

Oh, Sidney, you look wonderful.

Tall and handsome and...

Respected? Respected.

I'm so proud of you. Thank you.

Well, I have to go to work. Would you sit here?

Yes, sir. Right here.

Well, gentlemen,

I suppose you're wondering why I've asked you here.

Well, uh...

let's put it this way.

Your problems...

are my problems.

Artie,

tell me something about yourself.

What are you, and...

...what do you wanna be?