Original subtitles

All right, everybody out.

Welcome to the neighborhood, shamus.

Move on, punk.

All right, get out!

All right, take it easy! What are you trying to do?

Get out.

All right, come on, get out. Here we go.

I was only emptying the garbage.

Go on, get inside. Move on, punk.

What are you trying to prove?

You're a big man, a tough guy, huh?

Butt out, Damon!

Come in.

Oh, it's you. Come in, sit down.

Thank you, sir.

I want to talk to you. Yes, sir.

Well, I see you've been initiated.

Oh, yes, sir. I'd like to put in for the Purple Heart, sir.

Some evening, huh?

No, no, it wasn't so bad, captain.

I understand it was quite a rumble.

I've seen a lot worse, sir.

So I've noticed.

Your record shows you've spent the past three years

working in neighborhoods like ours,

so-called slum areas.

That's right, sir.

Your record also shows

that you've had your skull fractured,

your arm broken twice, lost three teeth

and been stabbed four different times.

Well, no, sir. That-- All by young punk hoodlums

who you've tried unsuccessfully to reform. Is that correct?

Well, not exactly, sir. You see--

Damon, let's get to the point.

For three years, you've worked as sort of an emissary

for a would-be group of reformers

who think that juvenile delinquency can be curtailed

if we treat these hoodlums with kid gloves.

Now, just a minute, captain.

You'll wait till I'm through talking, Damon.

If I wait until you're finished talking, captain,

I'll be up for a pension!

Well put, Mike. Go ahead. Talk.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, look, captain.

I know you wanted me in your precinct here

about as much as you like Dillinger.

But you've gotta give me a chance.

Other captains have given you opportunities,

but your plan has failed.

Only because it never had a chance to grow.

Somebody was always stepping on my head, captain.

And I don't mean the delinquents either.

You know what the roadblock's been.

It's been the brass upstairs, the big boys.

They think I'm a radical, a little nuts.

Well, aren't you?

Why, because I think that you can handle kids

without belting their brains out?

Am I nuts because I think that

in that bunch of slobs out there,

there might be just one worth saving? Just one?

Yeah, and while you're trying to save that one,

the 99 others are blowing up city hall!

Mike, your logic is cockeyed.

The main thing to worry about is the majority!

No, that's where you're wrong, captain.

The real bad ones are losers. You can't change them anyway.

But that one good one,

if given a chance, can breed, multiply.

Now, if that happens, every decent community benefits.

Damon, you are nuts.

I think. Maybe so, captain...

but it wasn't too long ago I was on the short end

of those 99-to-1 odds.

It took a policeman to help me,

and I'd kind of like to pay him back.

Okay, Mike, it's your skull. I'll stay out of your way.

Thank you, sir! For 30 days, that is.

Then if you don't come up with something,

namely a saved soul,

you're liable to wind up policing the library.

Yes, sir.

Yeah?

MAN: Ready for the show-up, captain.

Right.

Come on, Mike. Your guinea pigs are ready for exposure.

Let's see if you and I can find the one with the soulful eyes.

Wise punks. Tough punks.

You think you're getting away with something.

Well, I'm gonna give you a big, fat message--

You ain't getting away with nothing.

We're hip to all of you,

and one of these days,

it's gonna be the long, slow ride

up that dirty river.

Sing Sing,

where the nights are long, cold and miserable,

where the food is slop

and every time you open your filthy mouths,

the guards are gonna bust every bone in your stupid,

crummy heads.

Sing Sing, with its solitary confinement

and the electric chair.

Wait a second.

I didn't do nothing.

I was just taking out the garbage can.

I don't wanna go to the... Please don't make me go...

I was just taking out the garbage can.

I don't wanna go to the electric chair, with the thing...

Oh, that's terrible.

Let me out, let me out. I ain't gonna eat this slop.

I don't wanna go to jail.

What, for emptying a garbage pail?

Please! I'm too tall to die.

Help me out, Monk, do something.

Shut up.

Okay, I won't say nothing.

Whatever you say, sarge, I won't say a word.

Shut up! I didn't even say a word.

Boy, if you ever tell me to shut up, I keep my mouth shut.

What, am I gonna get myself in trouble? Naa!

Tonight you get a break.

It just happen this is "be kind to rats" week.

We got orders to let you go.

But the next time,

it's gonna be that long, slow ride.

Now, go on, get out of here, all of you.

Crawl back in your holes.

Thanks a lot, sergeant. Boy, I appreciate it, sergeant.

It's all right... Thank you very much

for letting me go.

It's all right...

I didn't wanna go to jail, sergeant.

Get him out of here! You're a terrific cop.

Get him out! Thank you very much, sergeant.

He's a wonderful sergeant, this sergeant.

He's not gonna put me in jail.

I was-- I'm not gonna--

I didn't wanna hang...

Well, did you find your pigeon?

Well, I think it's pretty obvious, isn't it, captain?

Him?! Yeah, the grateful one.

What's his name? Sidney.

Sidney what?

Pythias. He works as an apprentice janitor

down the street.

Sidney Pythias?

Well, what's the matter?

Well, what do you know about that.

Mike Damon.

Sidney Pythias. Damon and Pythias.

You remember your Greek mythology, captain.

Look, I never even passed algebra,

and I ain't interested in mythology.

All I wanna know is if you're really gonna

go to work on that character.

Yes, sir, captain. Yes, sir, I am, sir. Yes, sir.

Okay, Damon. Good luck. Thank you, sir.

You'll need it!

Yes, sir.

Hey, Monk! Hey, fellas, wait a second.

Let me explain, will you?

Sidney, why don't you go away.

I just wanna explain. You see, how it happened,

I was taking out the garbage cans

and you gotta do that because it brings ants.

Hey, Sidney? Yeah?

Look. Ooh!

Listen, you unhinged dimbo,

why don't you stick with your garbage

and mops and stay away from me.

You're a professional jinx.

Now, go home and scare your tenants, huh?

Oh, hi, Mr. Kellin. Could I help you?

Oh, no. Never mind, Sidney.

Thank you very much. Never mind.

Yeah, but I just thought...

Hi, Mr. Fox. Could I give you a hand, sir?

Oh, no, thanks, Sidney. Thank you just the same.

Some other time, maybe.

Hiya, Sidney.

Hey, you got a minute? I'd like to talk to you.

Well, am I in trouble.

Waa!

What's going on here?

Oh...

Uh...

Sidney! Yeah. Oh! Oooh...

What's going on up there? Oh, nothing.

I was... Hello, Mr. Herman.

What's going on up there? I think it's an air raid.

Come here, Sidney. Yes, sir.

What kind of a janitor are you anyway?

Well, I'm not too sure-- There ain't no hot water.

No. There ain't no cold water!

Well, I'm trying my best--

Six rooms, three baths, $30 a month I pay,

and I can't get no service!

Well, I'm awful sorry, Mr. Herman...

What about the dumbwaiter? Oh, what?

The dumbwaiter. It don't work.

Well, I don't understand. I fixed the dumbwaiter--

It don't work. Get it fixed, you hear?

Yes, sir. And fix the plumbing and fix the heater!

No, sir.

What?!How, sir?

Sidney! I mean, yes, sir.

Sidney! Yes, Herman Mister. Sister Merman...

You making fun of me?

No, I'm not, Mr. Herman. It's just that I'm all...

A guy ain't got enough trouble,

a nothing like you has to come along

and tell me what to do!

Now, wait a minute, Mr. Herman.

Don't call me a nothing. I don't like that.

Huh?

Well, I don't like that.Oh.

I beg your pardon.

I'm sorry.

From now on, it'll be Mr. Nothing!

I didn't mean to make you sore, Mr. Herman, but--

Go on, get out of here! Do something! Fix something!

Shoo!

"Go on, get out of here! Fix something! Do something!

"Do something! Shoo!" Hoo!

Hello, Sidney.

Hello.

How've you been?

Fine.

Will you empty this for me?

Sure.

Thank you, Sidney. Sure.

Mr. Crow?

Oo-hoo?

Mr. Crow?

And when you rock 'n' roll and do that thing

Brown dog, brown dog, rock 'n' roll

You're gonna brown dog rock it, your brown dog's rolling

You roll and you rock and the brown dog too--

Hello, Mr. Crow.

I hope you'll excuse me, sir,

but I was just playing your broom.

That's my theremin!

Oh, well, I... Your what?

Well, I suppose you came in here to see it.

Oh, yes, that's a very nice theremin.

Not that.

You know what I mean. Huh?

Oh, you mean X-93? Right! It's finished.

Where is it?

I'm so excited, I can't wait to see it.

Oh!

Gee whiz, Mr. Crow,

I thought the X-93 was your new invention

to cure the common cold.

It came out a little different.

What did it come out a little different as?

What does it look like?

A spaceship? Right! For frogs.

For frogs? Did you ever stop to realize,

when the Earth is destroyed,

all the people will escape to the moon

in rocket ships?

What about the poor little frogs?

How are they going to get away?

Well, they-- I'll tell you how.

In my frog ship.

And the remarkable thing about this is,

it holds 1 million frogs.

Did you hear what I said? One million frogs!

Oh, that's terrific.

Even if I only charge them $3 apiece, I'll be rich!

Well, that's really wonderful.

Did you hear the phone? Rich!

If only I didn't have to pay the withholding.

Oh, that is a shame.I want you to take this

and study it closely.

And when we start to build the working model,

we'll work hand in hand.

Oh, well, I really--Don't worry, I have another one.

Oh, well, I was-- Good luck, son!

Thank you very much, Mr. Crow, and I'll take very good care

of this so that the...

And I'll guard this, and I can...

To the-- And all those frogs.

That's the best thing you can make--

A whole lot with...

With the little frogs, Mr. Crow.

Rich! Do you hear? Rich!

Hiya, Sidney.

What do you got there, a model airplane?

No, not exactly. Can I look at it?

Sure. Attaboy.

Well, it's, uh... It's kind of bulky, isn't it?

Well, it should be. It's got a million frogs in it.

Oh, well, that-- I beg your pardon?

Well, what I mean is, it's not an ordinary spaceship.

It's for frogs.

Sure, Sidney, sure.

Well, no, let me explain. See, when the world comes to an end,

how are the frogs gonna get to the moon? In this.

That makes sense.

Yeah, and furthermore, you can get these

in all the stores all over the world.

Garages, butcher shops.

They'll make millions of these things and...

Are you puzzled?

No, no. Mm.

Hey, Sidney, wait a minute.

Can I talk to you a second?

Why? What do you wanna talk to me about?

Well, uh... Look, it's kind of personal.

Could we go someplace private?

Why? I didn't do nothing. Well, nobody said you did.

Come on, you got someplace we can talk private-like?

Well, I got a lot of work to do. Come on, Sidney.

It'll only take a second, huh?

Huh?

Okay, come on.

Thank you.

Hey, this is very nice.

It is? Yeah, yeah, your place,

you've got it fixed up real nice.

You really like it? Yeah, I sure do.

It's a little crowded, but then...

Well, after all, you are alone.

You ain't kidding.

Uh...

Pull up a chair, kid, sit down.

Come on, pull up a chair.

Well, what do you--? Come on.

Smoke? No, I never do.

Well, that's good.

Sidney, my name is Mike Damon.

How do you do, Officer Damon?

No, no. Mike.

Hello, Officer Mike.

Sidney...

I, uh...

I wanna help you. Oh?

Can you fix a dumbwaiter?

Mm. No, that isn't what I had in mind.

Oh, what about plumbing?

Because I have a stove that-- No, Sidney.

I'm not here to work on the fixtures.

I'm here to work on you.

Work on me?

Why? I'm not out of order.

Say, what do you really want anyhow?

No, don't even answer that. I'm not interested.

Why don't you just get out of here.

Sit down, will you, kid?

Please?

I don't want anything, Sidney. I just want to help you.

I don't need any help. I'm doing fine.

Oh, you are, huh?

Well, I got a nice place to live in.

You said yourself it's pretty nice.

And I got lots of friends.

Oh? Name two. What?

Name two friends.

Well, there's um...

And another guy...

What's the difference? I got lots of friends.

You mean, like Monk and Artie and all those other creeps?

They're good guys. They stink!

I hate them.

But you, you're a good kid.

You're a nice kid. Well, how do you know?

Well, I've been doing a little checking on you.

I discovered you graduated from high school.

I did? I mean, yeah, I did.

And you also got pretty good marks too.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.

And you know what, especially in manual training.

I was very good in that.

Wood. You can ask me any question

in the world about wood.

I know about wood. Wood, I know about.

Would you like to see something

I made in wood? It's a backscratcher.

It's very good. Made in wood.

It's the wrong side.

This side.

It's wood.

How do you make it...?

Oh. Oh, this? It's very simple. Watch.

I made it up myself.

That's very good.Thank you.

Yeah. Uh...

Now, where were we?

Oh, we were talking about my backscratcher.

No, no, we were talking about you.

I also discovered that you tried to enlist in the Army, right?

Oh, yeah. And the Navy and the Coast Guard and the Marines,

but they all turned me down.

Why? What happened?

Well, they thought I was a little nutty.

Something about my temperament.

Psychologically unfit, huh?No, my lungs were fine.

They just thought I was a little nutty.

But I don't really care,

because I couldn't have been what I wanted to be anyhow.

What did you wanna be?

Oh, a lot of things.

For example? I'm thirsty.

You would like some seltzer?Seltzer?

Yeah.

That's the phone. Excuse me.

Hello? MAN: Is Zelda there?

No. No, she is not.

Look, pal, don't give me that.

I know she's there, and I wanna talk to her!

Look, mister, please excuse me for being unkind,

but I told you three or four times already,

there is no Zelda here.

Not now, ever or at no time. There's no Zelda, all right?

Now, will you please put her on?

Not here, ever... That...

Guy keeps calling up and asking for Zelda, Zelda...

There's never been a Zelda here. I don't know no Zelda

except a parakeet, I know Zelda, but not this...

Now, where were we? That's a good question.

I was gonna get you some seltzer.

No, that's all right.

Excuse me. Oh, nice kitty.

Oowee.

Why are you staring?

Oh, the bottle opener. I forgot it.

Never mind, Sidney.

Well, it'll only take a second. No.

You don't want the seltzer? No.

Well, let me explain.

It'll take a second and I'll get the opener...

No, kid, I'm getting airsick.

Yeah, but look, if you want the seltzer...

No!

Well, you wanted-- No, thanks!

Well, I won't coax you. Whatever you say.

Now, look, kid...

Oh, that's my phone. Excuse me.

MAN: Don't start that again!

Listen to me, will you? I wanna talk to Zelda!

Will you listen to me, please, sir?

You call up here and you keep asking for Zelda.

Well, there is no Zelda!

And it just so happens that the parakeet is a girl.

The girl is a bird, and Zelda's-- I--

There's no Zelda, because if it was a bird,

you couldn't get it. A parrot...

Look, pal-- There's no one here at that name.

Zelda...Put her on!

I keep telling you that there is no one here that name.

And you call, and it's a wrong number!

That's all. You got a wrong number.

Look, kid, come here. Come here!

Look, I wanna see you tonight.

What, am I under arrest? No, no!

What, are you gonna lock me up?

No, of course not.

Well, you're holding...

I'm sorry.

No, I thought maybe we could have dinner together

over at my place.

I cook a great steak.

I thought we could sit around,

play a little gin, maybe watch some TV or something.

Get to know each other.

Well, what do you say?

Well, I don't understand, you know? I mean, why me?

You know, I don't understand.

What did you pick on me to buddy up with for, you know?

Well, to be perfectly honest with you, kid,

I'm kind of new in the neighborhood here

and I don't have many friends.

I thought I could break the ice with you.

Oh.

Well, um...

Thanks for the invitation,

but, uh, I got a date tonight, see.

Yeah.

Sure. I should have known better.

I should have known that a guy like you'd be

all booked up ahead of time, social-wise.

Well, yeah, you know, like I said before,

I got a lot of friends, and I'm...

I'm very busy, you know.

Yeah. Well, maybe next time, huh?

Yeah.

Thanks a lot, kid. Okay.

Say, um...Yeah?

Excuse me...

Do you really have a TV? 21-inch screen.

There's great fights on tonight.

Well, I'll try and break my date.

Oh, that'd be great if you could, kid.

Yeah, but I'm not making any promises.

You know, I don't like to break engagements.

Yeah, well, if you can. If I can.

I live at the Halifax Apartments.

See you around 7?

If I can. Yeah, if you can.

How do you like your steaks?

Rare, when I get one.

Hello.

MAN: I'm not gonna tell you again.

I know she's there. And when I come over,

I'm gonna give you such a shot.

I know the girl's there. I happen to be engaged to her.

Now, see, the...

Oof!

And once I find out you've been bothering her,

believe me, I'm not gonna fool around, buddy.

I know the address. I'm coming over and--

Ask her to call Freddie...

Officer Damon's late.

He's out on an assignment, Miss Henshaw.

I have many things to do, Captain Riley.

I'm not used to being kept waiting.

Yeah? MAN: Officer Damon is here.

Send him in.

Your target has just arrived. Oh, good.

Good morning, captain.

You sent for me?Yes, I did.

This is Miss Martha Henshaw. Officer Damon.

Well, how do you do? How do you do?

Miss Henshaw represents the City Council.

I repeat, the City Council.

Oh! She has been employed to--

Investigate the deplorable situation

in this and other neighborhoods

that are the breeding grounds for the vast majority

of our local crimes.

Oh, that's great. That's just wonderful.

Well, how can I fit in?

Officer Damon,

from here on in, you are to work hand in hand with Miss Henshaw.

Well, you-- Are you serious? Yes.

Now, look, captain, you know I work alone.

I can't have some dame-- Some dame?

I got my own system, captain, you know that.

Up to this point, your system seems to have been

one long series of utter failures.

Well, that's all a thing of the past.

But from now on, I know I'm gonna get some results.

Our City Council has grown weary of incompetence, Officer Damon,

and is quite convinced your methods of pampering

these young hoodlums are a complete waste

of the taxpayers' money.

You talk like a drunken first sergeant.

What do you want me to do,

go out and beat those kids silly?

Of course not. I abhor cruelty of any kind.

But I firmly believe discipline, well-proportioned,

will bring far better results with these young hoodlums

than sugarcoated encouragement.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

You must've been a lot of laughs in a parked car.

What'd you say? But, captain...

Apologize to this lady. Now!

I'm sorry. This is an order.

From here on in, you are to work with,

not against, Miss Henshaw.

Is that clear? Yes, sir.

And now, if you'll both excuse me,

I have some minor affairs

concerning murder and robbery to look into.

Sit down, Officer Damon.

Sit down.

Yes, sir.

Now, first of all,

I'd like to meet a typical juvenile delinquent.

Okay. Go out and find yourself one.

Me? Mm-hmm.

I thought you'd supply me with one.

Oh, no, no, no, no, honey. I got mine.

Matter of fact, he's having dinner with me tonight.

Say, I got a fine idea.

You go out and find your boy,

meet me at my place, we'll all sit around

and bite each other, huh?

Where do I start to look?

How about the Four-H Club?

Very well, Mr. Damon, I shall find my delinquent.

It should be very interesting

seeing your methods compared to mine.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Meet me at my place about 7:00, huh?

Or are you a little shaky about visiting

a man's apartment, sarge?

Mr. Damon, the man has not been created

who frightens Martha Henshaw.

Hey, who won the ball games today?

I don't know. Who cares?

Hey there.

What a way to go.

FRANK: That reminds me of this beast I met in Cleveland one time.

Wow, was this chick out. She invited me up to her place,

and, like, man, I didn't know what was gonna happen, so--

Young man. Yeah, baby?

I was wondering if perhaps you aren't busy tonight,

if you might... Busy? What's on your mind, baby?

Never mind, never mind.

I hope you're not as uncouth as your friend.

Me, uncouth? Not me, baby. Say, what's bugging you?

Well, as I mentioned before, if you're not busy,

I'd like... I'm with you, chickie. Let's swing.

Let me go!

What's the matter, baby?

What, are you cracking up?

What a punchy broad that is.

Full of stifled emotions.

Let's get out of here.

Hiya, Sidney. Oh, hi, Officer Casey.

Need any help? No, thanks, I'm doing fine.

Okay, kid. See you later.

Right. Nice seeing you, officer.

Hey, Sidney.

Hi. Hi, fellas.

How are you? Nice day, huh?

I mean, nice day for hanging around.

What do you say we all hang around?

Sure been friendly with the cops lately, ain't you, kid?

Yeah, no. Oh, me? No. Cops, friends?

Oh, no. I hate them, Monk.

You do, huh?Yeah.

Then what was that fink cop doing visiting you this morning?

Me?

Oh, I don't remember.

What, was he gassing you about last night?

Oh, him? Oh, no, he had the wrong room.

Wrong room? Yeah.

You're lying.

Don't ever hit me like that, Artie.

Why not?

What are you gonna do about it?Huh?

What are you gonna do about it?

Nothing now. Ah-ah!

Thank you. Let me have him.

Sidney, you better learn to keep your big, fat mouth shut.

You understand? Yeah, I understand.

Hey, come on, you guys, let him alone.

He didn't do anything.

Don't rough him up. No, I didn't do nothing.

Hey, Sidney. Yeah?

I think I wanna give you a little gift.

Oh, really? What is it?

This.Oh.

Go on. No.

Take it.But I don't...

Keep it.No...

It's yours.Oh, thanks very much.

That's nice. Now, you keep it, kid,

as a sort of a reminder.

When you get too pally with that shamus friend of yours,

remember, one of these days,

I'm liable to ask for my little gift back.

And you know what you're gonna do, Sidney? Uh-uh.

You're gonna give it to me...

just so I can chop you up a touch.

Now, isn't that nice, Sidney? It's very nice.

Let's get out of here.

I'm flipping.

Eew. Yuck. Kkkrr.

Stand back, baby...

or you're gonna get some of this.

Stay away, baby, I'm flipping.

Back up, honey, you're pressing your luck.

You're gonna get one of these in your...

Back up, baby, I'm warning you, you'll get one of these.

Mao, mao, mao!

Young man, I'm your friend.

You are? Please give me the knife.

What's your name? Martha.

Oh, Martha.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, in a second.

Okay.

Hiya, kid-- Good evening.

Well, the pride of the City Council. Come on in.

What's the matter, my colors clash?

I was looking for your delinquent.

Oh, he'll be along pretty soon.

I see you showed up empty-handed, though.

Oh, far from it.

I've found myself the perfect example

of what delinquency represents.

Oh, you brought your father.

All right, young man, you may enter.

I'm cutting and killing, killing and cutting,

anything that gets in my way.

Oh-hoo. Hello.Oh, you two know each other?

No. No, no. Oh, no. No.

This is your example of typical juvenile delinquency?

Correct.

A confused, unbalanced young man with only one thought in mind:

Self-destruction.

Hey, Sidney, you wanna help me with the salad?

Yeah, is the dressing ready?I got some oil and vinegar.

But I don't understand.

He came after me with a knife. He tried to kill me.

Who, me, baby? Sidney here?

Sidney wouldn't even cut an orange, would you, boy?

No, I wouldn't.

Young man, you made a fool of me.

Who, me, chickie? Why, I was just standing...

He was trying to help, weren't you? Yes, that's right.

And he's not really a delinquent at all. Are you, boy?

You're a mean, miserable, horrible young man.

Hey, wait a minute. Now, wait, calm down.

Where's your sense of humor?

We were just ribbing you a little bit.

I fail to see the humor of a situation like this.

Well, actually, you're right.

There is no joke, and Sidney does need help.

Matter of fact, he was gonna be my guest here tonight.

I got a fine idea. Why don't the two of us work together

and give him the helping hand he needs.

What do you say, Martha?

I prefer to be referred to as Miss Henshaw.

Oooh.

Well, anything you say, Martha.

Now, let's chip in and help this boy out together.

I can assure you, Mr. Damon,

I'm quite capable of handling the situation alone.

Yeah, well, maybe you're right.

Come on, Sidney, over here, and sit down in the big chair.

After you, Miss Henshaw.

You don't mind if I watch, do you?

Oh, of course not. Good.

This feels like when they shrink your head.

Maybe I should lie down.

Oh, that won't be necessary.

Now, first I'd like to ask you a series

of pertinent questions about your past.

Yes, ma'am. Tell me about your youth,

your likes and, most important, your dislikes and hatreds.

I never hated anybody. You're lying.

Well, I did hate Herman Zillman. Why?

Oh, because he spit on me. Why?

Because I kicked him. Why did you kick him?

Because he spit on me. You can't knock that.

Did you hate school? Only during the summer.

There's no school during the summer.

You sure?

Sidney, I won't have you ridiculing me.

If you don't want my assistance--

Oh, he wants your help. Don't you, Sidney?

Oh, yes, I do. Go ahead, help me.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I can't offer him any help under these conditions.

No, no, no. Wrong approach, Martha.

Watch.

Sidney, suppose...

I mean, just suppose that you had your choice

of being anything in the world.

Now, what would you rather be?

Gosh, I really don't know. Well, make up your mind. Think.

I said, I don't know.

Give it a thought, Sidney, huh?

A plumber, a mailman, a truck driver?

No. Mechanic, maybe? An engineer?

How much education have you had?

Four years high school. I was talking to Sidney.

You mean you were yelling at him,

and I'm getting just a little tired of it.

I can do without your criticism, Mr. Damon.

You can do with any and all criticism.

You're just about as subtle as a flamethrower.

I'll thank you to keep your comments to yourself.

I'll thank you not to yell at the boy.

Wait a minute-- Shut up, Sidney!

Now, I'm sick and tired of your attitude.

You're sick and tired? You've done...

Where are you going? Hey, wait a minute, boy.

I'm going home. Hey, now, wait a minute.

Well, I just realized the two of you

are making a fool of me.

No, believe me, nobody's trying to make a fool--

Yeah, it's true. You're making a fool of me.

Because you two think I'm a freak or something.

Or a guinea pig,

and I figure if I sit here long enough,

you're gonna wind up sticking pins in me.

Well, I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

And if you'll be good enough to excuse me, I'm going home.

Now, wait a minute, Sid. I'm going home.

Well, are you satisfied now, Miss Big Plans?

One moment, Mr. Damon-- One moment, my foot.

You come in here sticking your pretty, little, well-formed nose

into something that you know absolutely nothing about.

Mr. Damon, if you'll just-- Shut up!

How would you know how to handle a kid like that?

You, with your fat mink stoles and your back-to-back Chryslers.

That poor bum is me, ten years ago.

I know what makes him tick and I know what makes him sick.

You gotta eat dirt before you can analyze it, sweets,

and I think that quickly eliminates you.

Now, pick up your diploma and head back

to Park Avenue, where you belong.

And if you've got any ideas about helping people,

start in on your own parents.

From the looks of you, they certainly need help.

I can assure you Captain Riley

will be interested in this situation.

Good, tell him. Tell him. Tell him anything you want!

Only, stay away from Sidney.

Oh, uh...

There's beer in the icebox.

I don't think you'd like it, though. It's domestic.

SIDNEY'S VOICE: I'll go my way

By myself

Like walking under a cloud

I'll go my way

By myself

All alone in a crowd

I'll try to apply myself

And teach my heart how to sing

I'll go my way by myself

Like a bird on the wing

I'll face the unknown

I'll build a world of my own

No one knows better

Than I myself

I'm by myself

Alone

CROW: Sidney, come up here instantly. We have work to do.

Okay, Mr. Crow, I'll be right there.

I got it. I got it, Mr. Crow. Got what?

The model restroom for the frogs in the spaceship.

Oh, will those little frogs be happy.

What frogs?

The frogs that are going to the moon

when the Earth is destroyed.

They're going into the spaceship,

$3 a head, remember? The spaceship.

What spaceship?

The spaceship that we're building here for the frogs

for when the world comes to an end.

The frogs are gonna go up to the moon

in the spaceship, these...

And they're gonna fly when no one takes...

"What frogs"?!

Sidney, you keep babbling about frogs and spaceships.

We're working on a cure for the common cold. Look.

At last, a "thinnening" cough drop.

Noncaloric, nonfattening and perfect for skin blemishes.

We'll be millionaires.

I thought we were...

I don't feel very good.

You do look a little pale.

And you have been working all night, you know.

I just got here, Mr. Crow.

You better go to your room, lie down, take a nap.

Later on, we'll work on my frog ship.

It has to be finished quickly, you know.

Yes, sir. Well, whatever you say, Mr. Crow.

Good boy, Sidney.

You are a hard worker.

And I couldn't be more pleased to make you rich.

Oh. Well, thank you very much, Mr. Crow.

Rich! Yes, well...

If you don't mind, I'll go to my room and lie down

so that the spaceship will never, ever have

any expedience on the frogs.

Thank you-- Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Crow.

I almost knocked your glasses off.

Thank you.

Whoo! Ooh!

Oh!

Hi, Sidney.

Hello.

How've you been?

Oh, just fine.

I was wondering if-- Yes, ma'am.

I was wondering...

...if you'd empty this for me.

Yeah, I'd be glad to.

Oh, uh... Yes, Sidney?

I just thought... Yes?

Oh, that is, I was-- Yes?

Would you like a new lining in this basket?

I'd appreciate it very much. Okay.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hi, Sidney.

Hello.

I've been sitting here waiting for you.

I have nothing to talk to you about, officer.

Now, wait a minute, kid, wait a minute.

You got a lot of reasons to be sore, boy, but not at me.

I told you, I don't wanna talk about it.

I tell you, I had nothing to do with the way that dame acted.

Didn't you take me up there to put me under glass?

No. No, I don't think you're a specimen,

if that's what you mean.

But if you do mean did I bring you up there to help you,

yeah, you're right.

Help me? Well, you certainly didn't show it.

Look, kid, I can only help you if you wanna be helped.

You keep fighting me, why,

we're gonna end up in a stalemate.

Me fighting you?Yeah.

Mike, you came to me. I didn't come to you, you know.

You're the guy that's telling me I'm gonna this and that and...

And you get me all mixed-up and all confused.

I don't know.

How does a guy know what he wants to be,

especially someone like me?

Well, kid, the...

The first thing is to find out what you are.

What am I?

That's a very good question.

But the answer ain't very nice.

I'll tell you what I am.

I'm a nowhere...

And that's the worst kind of something there is.

I could never, ever be anything I wanted to be.

Because when I tried to be bad,

I was good.

When I tried to be good, I was stupid.

Even when I was a kid.

When I was a kid, I was dumb.

When I was a boy,

I was jerky.

And now...

now I'm a man.

And I'm empty.

Well, that about adds it up.

Except for two very important things I know about myself.

One,

I'm nothing.

Two,

I sure would like to be something.

Sidney.

Kid, you name it, and I'll help you be it.

You promise?

I promise.

Okay, I know what I wanna be. Yeah?

I wanna be somebody that helps other people.

Good, that's good thinking.

I wanna be looked up to and respected.

You will be.

I wanna be a cop. You wanna be a...?