Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:21,103
Ah! Ooh!
2
00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:23,314
And Sophie wins!
3
00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:25,149
Yes!
4
00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:26,484
- Woo!
- Sophie,
5
00:00:26,485 --> 00:00:28,027
I hereby present you
6
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,695
with my plus-one ticket
7
00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:30,988
for tonight's premiere party
8
00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:32,280
to Flubber: the Musical.
9
00:00:32,281 --> 00:00:35,910
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
I get to go to a fancy-ass party!
10
00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,370
Oh.
11
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:40,289
And my Halo says
that I burned 200 calories!
12
00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:41,792
Sophie is peaking.
13
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,710
- I let her win.
- I know. Me, too.
14
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,587
Point is, we're strong.
Strong on three. One, two, three.
15
00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:47,630
ALL Strong!
16
00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:49,311
Alright. Whatever helps you
sleep at night.
17
00:00:50,801 --> 00:00:53,094
You getting promoted was the best thing
that's ever happened to me!
18
00:00:53,095 --> 00:00:54,887
What can I say?
19
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:57,223
Styling a Broadway star has its perks.
20
00:00:57,224 --> 00:01:00,601
I still can't believe you dressed
Daphne Dupree and lived to tell the tale.
21
00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:02,019
The way I heard, when she was in Les Mis,
22
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:04,105
she pushed little Cosette
into the orchestra pit.
23
00:01:04,106 --> 00:01:05,690
Daphne's a nightmare!
24
00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:08,151
She rejected, like, 200 dresses.
25
00:01:08,694 --> 00:01:10,653
How about this dress for the premiere?
26
00:01:10,654 --> 00:01:14,365
It's foot-sewn by a woman
with no hands. Très chic.
27
00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:17,118
You're lucky I had
my salivary glands removed,
28
00:01:17,119 --> 00:01:19,329
or I'd spit on that foot dress right now.
29
00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:21,330
Why did you...?
30
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,250
I didn't wanna be
tempted by solid foods.
31
00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:28,546
But I finally found a gown
that she absolutely loved.
32
00:01:28,547 --> 00:01:30,131
Oh, my God, what am I gonna wear?
33
00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:32,759
A mini? A midi? A maxi? Oh my!
34
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,390
Come on, guys.
We'll have fun here.
35
00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:41,058
I'll give you each one drink free.
36
00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:43,811
Oh, wow. That is huge for us.
37
00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:46,231
We have definitely been
paying for all our drinks.
38
00:01:47,316 --> 00:01:49,567
Oh, hey! Is it cool
if I invite my new lady friend, Dana?
39
00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:50,651
- Lady friend?
- Yeah.
40
00:01:50,652 --> 00:01:54,155
- I've got two male friends named Dana.
- I'm trying to be clear. Anyway,
41
00:01:54,156 --> 00:01:57,533
we, uh, matched the other day,
and then, we met up last night,
42
00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:00,495
and the rest is... kiss-tory.
43
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,955
Look, I-I think it's great
44
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:05,291
that you're getting back
out there post-Meredith,
45
00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:07,084
but you've known this girl
46
00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:08,753
- for, like, a day.
- Yep.
47
00:02:08,754 --> 00:02:10,129
It feels fast for a friend blend.
48
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:13,132
Yeah, man. You know the rules.
No introducing new people to the group
49
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,551
unless you've been dating for two weeks.
Or if they're dying.
50
00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:16,761
Well, she is dying!
51
00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:18,764
Oh, my God. I am so sorry.
52
00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:21,141
In the sense that we all are.
53
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,893
Look, what do you want me to say?
I really like this girl, alright?
54
00:02:23,894 --> 00:02:25,562
I'm sorry, guys, but I'm invoking...
55
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,606
the Welcome Protocol.
56
00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:32,485
It's a complex method.
We bust it out whenever one of us
57
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,946
wanted to dazzle a new love interest.
58
00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:37,657
For instance, when Ellen
brought her girlfriend Rachel
59
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,159
into the fold...
60
00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:44,747
We each had a specific role.
61
00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:46,123
There's the Hype Men,
62
00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:47,459
who brag up a storm.
63
00:02:49,086 --> 00:02:51,337
Rachel, did you know
Ellen's been asked
64
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:53,297
to be a hair model five times?
65
00:02:53,298 --> 00:02:55,132
In the last week?
66
00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:57,845
No way! You never told me that!
67
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:02,474
There's the Bathroom Bestie
who goes deep with a newcomer.
68
00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:05,810
I don't know. Sometimes I think
69
00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:08,188
I don't have what it takes
to make it in this city.
70
00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:11,816
We all experience Impostor Syndrome.
71
00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:14,903
- Even Miley Cyrus.
- You're so right.
72
00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:19,657
There's the Human Fodder,
who is so ridiculous
73
00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:22,327
that it gives everyone
someone to bond over.
74
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,205
Take a gander at this.
75
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:29,293
I got the bottom of my shoes
engraved with my full name!
76
00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:33,380
Oh, he's so ridiculous!
77
00:03:34,006 --> 00:03:35,883
And lastly, the Giggler.
78
00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:40,970
The one who laughs at all
the friend's jokes to make them seem like
79
00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:44,391
the most charming person in the world.
80
00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:48,936
And then, I swallowed a full piano key.
81
00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:50,980
F sharp. Or should I say...
82
00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:53,482
F sharp?
83
00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,693
God, Ellen,
84
00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:57,946
you're so funny! I'm dying!
85
00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:01,616
Dude, the Welcome Protocol
is extremely exhausting.
86
00:04:01,617 --> 00:04:04,202
We can't just trot it out
for a one-date nobody.
87
00:04:04,203 --> 00:04:06,412
I slept for three days straight
after the last one.
88
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,289
And one of those days
was National Roommate Day.
89
00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:10,625
Ellen and I were going to
play hide-and-seek at the Met.
90
00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:12,419
I still did.
And Charlie never found me.
91
00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:14,670
Also, Sophie and Val aren't here,
92
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:17,131
which means I'd have to be
Bathroom Bestie and Giggler.
93
00:04:17,132 --> 00:04:19,967
I can't giggle while I use the bathroom!
I'll toot!
94
00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:22,386
Okay, look, I'm sorry,
but it's been invoked,
95
00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:26,016
and per the protocol,
once invoked, it cannot be invoked.
96
00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:32,523
What? Just practicing.
97
00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:40,363
Okay. Let's make
the most of this party.
98
00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:41,739
I'm on drinks. You're on food.
99
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:43,824
Keep the sweets
and the savory separate.
100
00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:46,827
- And if you run out of hands...
- I know, I know. Carry it in my mouth.
101
00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:55,461
These look like the future residents
102
00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:59,383
of Sophie Tompkins' stomach.
103
00:05:04,263 --> 00:05:05,764
What are you doing?
104
00:05:06,682 --> 00:05:09,642
- I'm eating.
- Oh, it's not ready yet.
105
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,937
What are you doing?
Give me that back.
106
00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:14,314
What is wrong with...
107
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,775
- Why are you so tall?
- Why are you so short?
108
00:05:17,776 --> 00:05:20,696
You can't just go asking people
why they're so short.
109
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:22,823
Ah...
110
00:05:24,283 --> 00:05:27,618
Now, it's ready.
I'm Robert, the meticulous chef.
111
00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:29,579
I'm Sophie,
112
00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:31,081
annoyed party guest.
113
00:05:32,124 --> 00:05:35,004
And just because I introduced myself,
doesn't mean I want to talk to you.
114
00:05:37,296 --> 00:05:39,089
Actually, wait. Um...
115
00:05:39,631 --> 00:05:41,633
Do you know
where I could get some ranch?
116
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:44,927
Seriously?
That's yellowtail crudo.
117
00:05:44,928 --> 00:05:48,223
Yeah. And you don't have
to be so rude-o.
118
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:53,729
Here's your Flub-tini.
119
00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:57,399
The bartender winked at me
and said he put extra flub in there.
120
00:05:58,317 --> 00:05:59,757
I really don't know what that means.
121
00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:01,445
Valentina.
122
00:06:02,905 --> 00:06:05,489
You really pulled this off.
I was wrong to say
123
00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:08,911
that a subway mole rat
could style me better than you.
124
00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:10,912
You never said that.
125
00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:12,539
Oh. I meant to.
126
00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:17,084
I am really gonna pop
on that stage later
127
00:06:17,085 --> 00:06:18,504
when I sing My Heart Flubs For You.
128
00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:23,007
I'm sorry. I just...
just get a little emotional
129
00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:26,512
whenever I think of my enemies
watching me sing so beautifully.
130
00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:28,555
Nevin!
131
00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:35,728
Okay, but she
looks incredible, Val.
132
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,563
I know! I killed it.
133
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:40,191
- Oh, she really does look great.
- Oh!
134
00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:41,902
Oh! Oh, so does she.
135
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,822
Ah. Someone else wearing the same dress.
136
00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:49,033
Yeah, no, she'll be normal about that.
137
00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:50,451
Uh...
138
00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:52,162
Come over here.
139
00:06:52,955 --> 00:06:54,747
Ooh.
140
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,750
Fix it, and we'll try again later, hm?
141
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:03,340
I have some pocket yellowtail,
if it'll make you feel better.
142
00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:10,764
Oh God! Here they come.
143
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,392
Guys, I'd like you to meet Dana!
144
00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:17,479
Isn't she effortlessly cool,
but also somehow sweet?
145
00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:20,982
Sorry. I've clearly been in
my own head about introducing you.
146
00:07:20,983 --> 00:07:22,733
Thanks for letting me crash your hang.
147
00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:25,194
Duh! We were so excited to meet you.
148
00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:27,488
- Let's, uh, let's get you a drink.
- Yeah.
149
00:07:30,909 --> 00:07:34,036
So, did you know that Jesse
150
00:07:34,037 --> 00:07:37,833
has saved five wounded baby birds?
151
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:41,210
I didn't know that. He's so great.
152
00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:42,713
Oh, the greatest.
153
00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:45,923
Is that a red tuxedo
on that bourbon bottle?
154
00:07:47,426 --> 00:07:49,510
It is. Yeah, it's actually a nod to...
155
00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:50,761
The gold room bar from The Shining?
156
00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:53,514
On a bottle of Jack, too.
157
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:54,640
That's brilliant.
158
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:58,603
Okay. You are the only person
to ever get that reference.
159
00:07:58,604 --> 00:08:00,396
Maybe you are worth the protocol.
160
00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:01,731
What?
161
00:08:01,732 --> 00:08:03,316
I said...
162
00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:06,110
maybe you are the pro to call...
163
00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:07,612
if I have movie questions.
164
00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:10,032
- Oh.
- Nice save...
165
00:08:10,616 --> 00:08:11,658
What?
166
00:08:13,912 --> 00:08:15,453
This is all my fault.
167
00:08:15,454 --> 00:08:18,080
I was so sleep deprived
from showing her 200 looks,
168
00:08:18,081 --> 00:08:21,292
I forgot to tell the designer
not to let anyone else wear it!
169
00:08:21,293 --> 00:08:23,044
I wish they could do that with tattoos
170
00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:25,839
because I would hate for someone else
to have my singing Garfield.
171
00:08:27,216 --> 00:08:28,216
Okay. Sorry.
172
00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:29,509
We can fix this.
173
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:35,015
You know that's sauce, not soup, right?
174
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:38,976
No time to explain, Sauce Cop.
I'm in the middle of something.
175
00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:41,604
So am I. Dinner for 300 fat cats.
176
00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:43,439
Could you maybe leave them some sauce?
177
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,609
Oh, could you maybe not sauce-shame me?
178
00:08:47,903 --> 00:08:50,321
So then, I said, "Reese Witherspoon?
179
00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:52,449
More like Reese without her spoon!"
180
00:08:53,659 --> 00:08:56,160
Hey! Watch it!
181
00:08:56,161 --> 00:08:58,956
God! Oh! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!
182
00:08:59,498 --> 00:09:02,668
You know what they say.
Don't... sauce up and gossip?
183
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:07,296
Uh, here. Please take my duster.
It's the least I could do.
184
00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:09,590
- Oh, I don't think so...
- Oh.
185
00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:11,008
Used to be Kerry Washington's.
186
00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:13,302
- Oh. I love her!
- Yeah.
187
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:15,806
- I miss Scandal.
- Oh, we all do. We all do.
188
00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:19,016
And this is how Kerry used to wear it.
189
00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:21,311
- Nice and tight!
- Oh.
190
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,898
Uh, off you go! Have fun now! Bye!
191
00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:29,360
Oh, I am getting so many
compliments on this dress.
192
00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:31,655
I am so glad I invited
three of my ex-husbands.
193
00:09:32,990 --> 00:09:34,283
Oh, Mandy.
194
00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:39,912
Mission accomplished.
195
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:41,582
- Let's get another drink.
- Yeah.
196
00:09:42,124 --> 00:09:45,376
Yeah, you wanna go with the "Flubarita"
or the "Flub on the Beach"?
197
00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:46,878
Just a classic gin and...
198
00:09:46,879 --> 00:09:48,422
Mother!
199
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:54,428
Out of curiosity,
were you gonna say tonic or juice?
200
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,139
This is it.
This is the end of my career.
201
00:09:58,932 --> 00:09:59,975
Unless...
202
00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,728
Mother.
203
00:10:07,983 --> 00:10:09,901
Twist. Dana's the best.
204
00:10:09,902 --> 00:10:11,153
She's a goddamn dream!
205
00:10:12,196 --> 00:10:14,155
Wow. Being bullied like that
206
00:10:14,156 --> 00:10:15,865
must've been really hard for you.
207
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:20,536
It was, but enough about me.
Jesse says you work in produce,
208
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,955
which is pretty much
my favorite food category.
209
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,457
Yukon Golds.
210
00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:27,085
Those are just russet potatoes
left out in the sun, right?
211
00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:31,964
She actually asked me
about my interests.
212
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,216
You guys never ask me about my...
213
00:10:33,217 --> 00:10:35,510
Ellen, I want to say why I like her.
214
00:10:35,511 --> 00:10:38,013
When I did human fodder,
she didn't laugh at me.
215
00:10:38,764 --> 00:10:40,390
She made me feel seen.
216
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:44,810
And that is why I always wear
a collared shirt to the cinema.
217
00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:48,774
I completely agree.
I wish people still got dressed up to fly!
218
00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:52,694
- He should marry that girl.
- Oh yeah, dude.
219
00:10:54,238 --> 00:10:55,947
- Jesse, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse.
- Yeah.
220
00:10:55,948 --> 00:10:58,991
Dude, we were so wrong about Dana.
We're so happy to welcome her.
221
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,660
- Thrilled.
- We love her.
222
00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:03,705
Yeah. Uh, about that...
223
00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,332
I changed my mind.
I mean, she's great,
224
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,709
but we just don't have... it.
225
00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:10,670
Sometimes I'm glad
we're not related by blood!
226
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,130
Your face doesn't have it.
227
00:11:12,631 --> 00:11:14,340
Let's nix the Welcome Protocol,
228
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:17,261
and go straight to
the Fake Emergency Protocol.
229
00:11:19,972 --> 00:11:22,223
So then, I said, "Reese Witherspoon?
230
00:11:22,224 --> 00:11:24,768
More like Reese without her spoon!"
231
00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:30,773
Oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry I spilled on you.
232
00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:32,275
You're probably gonna wanna change.
233
00:11:32,276 --> 00:11:34,068
Nah, who cares?
234
00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:36,821
I already spilled on myself
three times today.
235
00:11:36,822 --> 00:11:38,699
Classic Nance!
236
00:11:39,074 --> 00:11:42,827
Are you sure you don't want to
change into my friend's dress?
237
00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:44,830
What show do you miss?
A star of that wore this.
238
00:11:45,664 --> 00:11:48,250
Kathy Bates wore that on Harry's Law?
239
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,669
- Uh-huh!
- Yes.
240
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,840
I still don't understand
why you couldn't give Nance your dress.
241
00:11:55,841 --> 00:11:57,300
I can't do Nance dirty like that.
242
00:11:57,301 --> 00:11:58,802
She can't pull off seafoam.
243
00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:02,513
- I'll swipe you a coat from coat check.
- Fine.
244
00:12:02,514 --> 00:12:06,017
But, if I get bedbugs again,
you cannot tell anyone.
245
00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:08,102
That cannot be my thing.
246
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,064
Holy shit.
247
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,860
That famous lady is wearing
the same dress I am!
248
00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:18,530
I shop like a celebrity.
249
00:12:19,114 --> 00:12:21,866
- Shush please... No!
- Well, look at that!
250
00:12:21,867 --> 00:12:23,702
I'm also matching you, too!
251
00:12:24,703 --> 00:12:27,622
Hey, girl, it's me.
Do me a solid and make Daphne go blind,
252
00:12:27,623 --> 00:12:30,917
just for the rest of the night
because I'm a good person, girl! Amen!
253
00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:32,585
I can't believe you'd do this to me.
254
00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:35,713
I am wearing the same dress
as two other women.
255
00:12:35,714 --> 00:12:37,548
That hasn't happened to me since I starred
256
00:12:37,549 --> 00:12:40,511
in that extremely problematic
revival of Dreamgirls.
257
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,516
And don't google it.
258
00:12:53,232 --> 00:12:54,899
Val, where are you?
259
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,318
Why aren't you answering
any of your texts?
260
00:12:57,319 --> 00:12:58,736
Now, I have to leave you a voicemail,
261
00:12:58,737 --> 00:13:00,112
and I hate leaving voicemails.
262
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,616
Especially because I know
you're never gonna check it.
263
00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:06,744
Your singing voice isn't
as strong as you think it is.
264
00:13:06,745 --> 00:13:07,996
Ha! Bye.
265
00:13:09,373 --> 00:13:10,873
Turn around!
266
00:13:10,874 --> 00:13:12,500
I did turn around!
You want me to turn back?
267
00:13:12,501 --> 00:13:14,795
- No, no, no, no!
- I will... Uh...
268
00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:21,425
Daphne.
269
00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:24,220
I am so sorry about the dress.
270
00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:25,222
Save it.
271
00:13:26,515 --> 00:13:27,974
I'm gonna ruin you.
272
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:30,477
You will never work in this town again.
273
00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:34,230
A-are you crying?
274
00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:36,942
Can't. I had my tear ducts removed.
275
00:13:37,526 --> 00:13:38,734
- Why did you...
- Oh,
276
00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:41,738
the surgeon who took out my saliva glands
read my chart wrong.
277
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:45,868
That was a bad day.
And yet, this is worse.
278
00:13:47,077 --> 00:13:50,913
Oh, 40 years in the business,
and here I am.
279
00:13:50,914 --> 00:13:54,584
Cast off to a junior incompetent stylist
280
00:13:54,585 --> 00:13:57,838
and starring in a musical
about Silly Putty.
281
00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:00,965
The only reason I took this stupid job
282
00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:03,593
was because my reps told me
being in a family show
283
00:14:03,594 --> 00:14:06,263
would make me seem
more a "woman of the people."
284
00:14:07,306 --> 00:14:09,558
Apparently, I don't have
the best reputation.
285
00:14:10,142 --> 00:14:11,267
Hm.
286
00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:13,978
Boy, you start one rumor
that Lea Michele can't read...
287
00:14:13,979 --> 00:14:17,023
- That was you?
- Okay, I admit that
288
00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:19,025
I can be a tad cutthroat,
289
00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:21,527
but that's only because
I have had to scrape
290
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,613
and claw my entire career.
291
00:14:23,614 --> 00:14:26,032
- I get that.
- Oh, no, you don't.
292
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:29,578
Not unless you starred in Fiddler
with a very handsy Tevye.
293
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:32,539
How about this?
294
00:14:34,291 --> 00:14:37,585
I save your rep, I help you
become a woman of the people,
295
00:14:37,586 --> 00:14:40,171
and you don't ruin my career?
296
00:14:40,172 --> 00:14:41,673
Alright, I'm listening.
297
00:14:42,466 --> 00:14:44,592
But, I can't do anything
298
00:14:44,593 --> 00:14:46,552
that involves crying or spitting
because I have...
299
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:49,139
No ducts or glands. I-I got it.
300
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:53,059
Oh, I'm so sorry.
301
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:55,270
My mom's calling.
She never calls. I need to take this.
302
00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:59,148
- Hello?
- It's Mom. I was in an accident.
303
00:14:59,149 --> 00:15:00,608
I hate you.
304
00:15:00,609 --> 00:15:02,235
I'll be right there!
305
00:15:02,236 --> 00:15:04,363
Dana, I'm so sorry.
My mom's been in a car accident.
306
00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:06,447
Oh, my God. Is she okay?
307
00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:08,783
Dad just called. Mom...
308
00:15:08,784 --> 00:15:11,537
I know. I know.
We need to go to the hospital right now.
309
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:15,665
And I will drive you
to the hospital as you are distraught.
310
00:15:15,666 --> 00:15:18,292
Dana, Dana, I tried calling you.
Grandma's in the hospital.
311
00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:19,877
Oh, my God!
312
00:15:19,878 --> 00:15:23,464
Jesse, I'm so sorry about your mom,
but I gotta go.
313
00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:25,383
Yeah, no, no, of course.
I'm s... Wait...
314
00:15:25,384 --> 00:15:27,386
Oh. Okay.
315
00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:31,222
Wow. Oh, bravo, you two.
316
00:15:31,223 --> 00:15:33,599
You doing your fake emergency
right at the tail end
317
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,476
of my fake emergency to really sell it.
318
00:15:35,477 --> 00:15:38,146
It's, uh... it's genius.
319
00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:42,400
- What are you talking ab...
- Come on, Dana, cut the crap, alright?
320
00:15:42,401 --> 00:15:44,443
We obviously both realized
we weren't feeling it.
321
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:47,405
We faked emergencies.
Let's call it what it is.
322
00:15:47,406 --> 00:15:48,656
What?
323
00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:51,577
Jesse, my grandma
is actually in the hospital.
324
00:15:54,538 --> 00:15:57,582
But she's a bigot,
and you're not close to her?
325
00:15:57,583 --> 00:15:58,876
I'm hoping.
326
00:15:59,251 --> 00:16:02,671
She's gay and a humanitarian,
you asshole!
327
00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:06,424
You could have married her,
328
00:16:06,425 --> 00:16:08,926
and we could have had
a gay grandma-in-law?
329
00:16:08,927 --> 00:16:10,137
Thanks for nothing.
330
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:17,894
Do you mind if I hide out in here?
331
00:16:17,895 --> 00:16:20,021
Because I don't really wanna
go out there dressed like this.
332
00:16:20,022 --> 00:16:22,357
No problem, chef. Stir this.
333
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,611
How'd you end up
half-naked in my pantry anyway?
334
00:16:26,028 --> 00:16:27,612
Oh...
335
00:16:27,613 --> 00:16:28,697
Helping out a friend.
336
00:16:29,323 --> 00:16:31,700
Tonight is kind of
"make or break" for her.
337
00:16:32,451 --> 00:16:35,620
It would all seem crazy to
someone as established as you.
338
00:16:35,621 --> 00:16:37,080
How do you know I'm established?
339
00:16:37,748 --> 00:16:40,751
I may or may not have googled you
while I was stuck in the pantry.
340
00:16:41,293 --> 00:16:42,835
Ah.
341
00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,505
Hey, I googled you, too.
342
00:16:45,631 --> 00:16:49,176
"Woman falls in sinkhole
on Cinco de Mayo."
343
00:16:49,885 --> 00:16:53,430
I trended because of that.
Hashtag "sinkhole de Mayo."
344
00:16:53,931 --> 00:16:54,932
Ha!
345
00:16:56,725 --> 00:16:58,518
You were thinking about me
when you were in there?
346
00:16:58,519 --> 00:17:00,853
Only because you were so obnoxious.
347
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:02,314
I was thinking about you, too.
348
00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:04,816
Here, try this.
349
00:17:11,490 --> 00:17:12,741
Oh, my God.
350
00:17:13,659 --> 00:17:14,742
Is that what I think it is?
351
00:17:14,743 --> 00:17:15,868
Yeah.
352
00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:18,455
You just made your very own ranch.
353
00:17:20,165 --> 00:17:21,166
Hm.
354
00:17:21,834 --> 00:17:23,543
Mm!
355
00:17:23,544 --> 00:17:26,797
Now, here I thought you could only
get this from the Hidden Valley.
356
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:33,720
- Are you sure this is gonna work?
- Trust me. You're going to kill.
357
00:17:35,472 --> 00:17:36,765
Uh... Thank you.
358
00:17:38,517 --> 00:17:40,602
Uh, good evening, everyone.
359
00:17:43,438 --> 00:17:44,940
Uh, Nance, Jill, get up here.
360
00:17:46,441 --> 00:17:48,109
Uh, tonight,
I'd like to share the stage
361
00:17:48,110 --> 00:17:50,904
with these two impeccably
dressed women.
362
00:17:52,406 --> 00:17:54,407
Damn, you two look good.
363
00:17:54,408 --> 00:17:55,825
Do I look that good?
364
00:17:55,826 --> 00:17:58,161
Lie to me, people,
and tell me I do.
365
00:17:59,705 --> 00:18:01,998
You're so funny and down-to-Earth.
366
00:18:01,999 --> 00:18:04,084
A real woman of the people.
367
00:18:05,836 --> 00:18:08,838
And now... My Heart Flubs For You.
368
00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:29,817
Okay, we have a spicy ranch,
369
00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:31,986
a creamy basil ranch,
370
00:18:31,987 --> 00:18:34,572
and a Dorito-inspired...
371
00:18:34,573 --> 00:18:36,950
cool ranch.
372
00:18:37,826 --> 00:18:40,536
So is this your move?
You just make dip
373
00:18:40,537 --> 00:18:43,372
for all the girls you find
in your pantry in their underwear?
374
00:18:43,373 --> 00:18:45,583
Mm, let's see.
375
00:18:45,584 --> 00:18:47,628
Uh, so far, 100% of the time.
376
00:18:59,139 --> 00:19:00,139
Hey, you okay?
377
00:19:00,974 --> 00:19:02,226
Yeah, sort of.
378
00:19:03,602 --> 00:19:05,645
I think I know what's going on here.
379
00:19:05,646 --> 00:19:06,896
You do?
380
00:19:06,897 --> 00:19:09,148
You tried to fast-track it with Dana
381
00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:10,983
'cause you're still not over Meredith.
382
00:19:10,984 --> 00:19:13,361
- I am completely over Meredith.
- Oh.
383
00:19:13,362 --> 00:19:15,864
Yeah, but I was trying
to rush things with Dana to...
384
00:19:16,865 --> 00:19:18,199
get over Sophie.
385
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,450
Oh...
386
00:19:19,451 --> 00:19:21,494
Yeah, I don't think
I ever really totally moved on.
387
00:19:21,495 --> 00:19:23,037
And I think maybe
she still has feelings, too.
388
00:19:23,038 --> 00:19:24,540
I mean, lately, there have been...
389
00:19:25,707 --> 00:19:26,707
sparks.
390
00:19:26,708 --> 00:19:29,126
- God, I know that sounds dorky.
- Uh, bro?
391
00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:31,796
Being alive is dorky.
392
00:19:31,797 --> 00:19:33,799
That's why you just gotta go for it.
393
00:19:35,259 --> 00:19:37,552
- Yeah. Yeah. I think I will.
- Mm-hmm.
394
00:19:41,473 --> 00:19:42,974
So, Sophie.
395
00:19:42,975 --> 00:19:45,644
I'm obviously
way too young for you...
396
00:19:47,813 --> 00:19:49,730
but would you let me
take you out sometime?
397
00:20:05,581 --> 00:20:07,206
So, I guess that's a no to dinner?
30019
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof