Original subtitles

Yes!

Baby Billy loves you now.

Baby Billy loves you so much.

It's so good to be with all y'all

here at Zion's Landing.

Now, come see me now, 7:00 at the Mangrove Pavilion,

every night.

You gon' love it.

Every night.

- Daddy's home. - Ugh.

Must be hot out there.

You bet your ass it's hot.

It's hotter than hell, if I'm being honest.

If we weren't staying in this fancy hotel,

I don't think I could do it.

Yeah, the commute ain't bad.

The rest of it's wearing thin, singing by a fucking pool.

It's a nice pool.

You're doing so well for somebody who used to be

a famous singer long ago.

What you talking 'bout, used to be famous?

I'm still famous.

Of course.

Why do you want to play mind games?

Get all in my head?

Baby, you're being silly.

I'm very proud of you, and so is Lionel.

Aren't you, buddy?

Everybody that's famous knows

that true famous people go through different phases

on the Being Famous Train.

I'm a international-known talent.

I deserve a mainstay,

not singing for a bunch of basic Christian sun bums.

Yeah.

That lasts at least ten years.

That's what I need right there.

My own game show.

Just standing in air conditioning all day,

looking cool, being charming.

Boy, I bet they knock out 20 of them episodes a day,

printing money.

Bet you a game show host makes a bunch of money.

Yep.

That pretty girl that hands out prizes,

she makes a lot of money too, now.

I can hand out prizes on TV?

Well, you the prettiest girl I know.

And if Lionel learns how to speak,

he could be our announcer.

And a job for our baby Aimee-Leigh Jr.

when she gets born.

If she's got talent, you bet your ass.

I think we just witnessed a mission from God.

Is that what that was?

It's time for Baby Billy to be

back on the motherfucking TV.

Yay!

Them feds were everywhere, jumping out from trees,

behind bushes, screaming and hollering.

So much screaming and hollering.

Motherfuckers got Ruby Ridged.

We made it to the safe house,

but then Pa said y'all called the feds,

and he accused us of helping you.

And don't forget about

cutting the tip of Jacob's ear off.

Chew your food.

God gave you teeth for a reason.

Yes, ma'am.

You sure you didn't tip off the law, Eli?

I could see you doing that.

I already told you no.

I never wanted nothing to do with this.

Well, he thinks you did, and that's all that matters,

so now we're on his shit list too.

Thanks, Mama.

How can you hate me more than him?

Blame me for everything. Everything's my fault!

Because everything is your fault!

Bringing the Gemstones into this?

Now look where we are.

In a mansion, wearing fucking bathrobes?

Oh, shit!

All right, Chuck, stop your fussing and your talking back.

Just come home.

We ain't going nowhere with you.

Get that through your head.

We'd rather be homeless bums living under a bridge.

We would?

Yes, Karl, we would.

Why?

May-May!

Where the heck you think you're going, dummy?

- You heard 'em. - Just like you, they hate me.

Maybe they grew up smarter than they seem.

Is this how you're gonna handle your boys?

Just walk away?

If I don't leave, they're going to.

At least here, there's guarded gates

between them and their father.

No, no, you're not sticking your boys with me.

No, I'm not harboring fugitives.

Now, I'll give 'em some walking around money

- and send them on their way. - No, you won't.

They'll get themselves killed.

You keep 'em here. You keep 'em safe.

You're their uncle.

Do you want me to say "please"? Fine, Eli.

Please, please keep that wicked man away from my sons.

She kung fu'd my larynx, Daddy.

My voice is God's gift, dude.

May-May could have ruined that forever just now.

Yeah, what were you thinking, Daddy?

You won't even help your own kids,

but you'll take in these bozos?

Two fucking fugitives just roaming around the compound

like damn free-range chickens.

They're not livestock, Jesse.

They're our family, first cousins.

Uh, they're fucking Montgomerys is what they are.

Fucking savages.

I have zero sympathy for that family.

- Zero. - Same.

You know what we should do, Daddy?

We should be all "return to sender."

Ship 'em right back to crazy Aunt May-May.

Mm-kay? Let her deal with it. Bye-bye.

- She can't deal. - That's why they're here.

Make your cousins feel comfortable.

They're family. Spend some time with 'em.

Gross.

We don't want to spend time with them creeps.

- Mm-mm. - You think I want 'em here?

I'm not asking. I'm telling.

- Shit. - One of 'em's looking.

Okay, I just saw one of 'em look

and then duck down, Haunted Mansion style.

Just watch.

- See? There they are! - Oh!

Fucking Montgomerys.

We see you!

Let 'em watch.

Yeah, fuck y'all.

Sit and spin, bitches.

- Go home. - Nobody likes you here.

That's what we think about our cousins, Daddy.

Yeah, we don't like them.

BJ. Is Judy here?

No, she's out.

What did you need?

I had something for her.

Here.

If she wants me to explain how to use it, I can,

or there's also a video included

that can explain it as well.

- Is this a board game? - We love games.

No, it is the opposite of a silly game.

It's The System, my at-home relationship counseling kit.

Counseling?

Did Judy ask for this?

- No, I was just, um... - I was just dropping it by

in case she wanted to take a look at it,

'cause she didn't ask for it, 'cause she doesn't need it.

No one needs it.

There are people that need it.

But there's no specific reason why I'm bringing it by today.

Well, I'll make sure she gets it.

The System?

That's where they keep the cars, right?

Think so.

Where the fuck do those honkies think they're going?

Oh, wow.

These motherfuckers.

No way.

It's the Redeemer!

Whoo!

I can't believe he's still got it.

Oh, she's beautiful.

She's so pretty.

Oh, I want to get all up in there.

- Get in there, big brother. - Get in there.

- Help me. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yep.

What's it like? What's it like?

It's amazing.

- It's fucking awesome! - Whoo!

Oh, my God!

Chuck, you were born to drive that thing.

What should we smash?

Everything!

Yeah! Whoo!

No, God damn it!

That's private property right there.

Get your greasy, grimy Montgomery paws off my truck!

Well, sorry, Jesse.

I mean, we just can't believe you still got it.

We remember you smashing and crashing stuff

just like it was yesterday.

I bet she still purrs like a kitten.

Don't you talk about that thing being a kitten!

That's my monster truck.

That's a five-ton wrecking machine, son.

Get out before you break something.

Take it easy, Jesse.

- Take it easy? - Take it easy.

- Got it, Chuck? - Take it easy, huh?

Truck just brings back some fond memories.

You ever take her out anymore?

Ooh, I'd love that!

Oh, please, Jesse?

I never got a chance to drive it.

And you never will, numb nuts.

Just 'cause my daddy says

it's cool for y'all to stay here

doesn't mean we're gonna be cool cousins

all now of a sudden.

We ain't cool cousins, and we never will be again.

You smell that?

Yeah.

You boys need to go shower off or wash.

I smelled your balls the second I rolled up

in this motherfucker.

Stink worse than my middle school locker.

That's my boy right there.

Go on and wash.

The little one's mean.

Yeah, you're damn right he's mean.

That's my son.

I make 'em mean.

Mean-ass Gemstones. Damn.

I don't know what it was like in the little barn or manger

or whatever the fuck you were born in, but in this house,

on this compound, we respect people's private properties,

you greasy little animals.

"Porn equals Satan."

I like that one.

These protest signs are tops.

Peeps are gonna think twice, honestly.

- Yo. - Hey, bud.

Check it out, bro.

I wiped out almost the entire inventory

of bullets and butt buzzers and basically everything else

at the adult emporium off the highway.

And I know you said that it wouldn't shut 'em down,

but due to supply chain issues,

they won't be able to restock for a while.

Smart! Yes.

Dang, I am missing out on all the fun lately.

My cousins are in town.

Daddy's making me hang out with them.

Now I've got to go to some stupid cousins' night.

- Cousins' night. - Very interesting.

- No, it's not. - They are total weirdos.

A complete lack of knowing

how to fit in the world around them.

God, they sound awkward.

Shall I make my sausage dip?

Those inbreds aren't worthy of your sausage dip.

But, yeah, no, you should make it.

I'll put it in a special container

that'll keep it warm, and you can carry it with you

to the family event.

Why don't you carry it with?

Keefe, you have to come to cousins' night.

Come on, come to cousins' night.

I ain't a cousin, though.

I know you're not a cousin.

You're my... best dude friend

of a cousin.

Wow, never done a cousins' night before.

Maybe I'll bring some flames and the swords.

Yeah, totes, you should.

But let's keep our expects in checks.

My cousins are kind of diarrhea people.

There is nothing that we take more seriously

than our marriage.

That's why I created The System,

a program that you can use at home

to help your marriage better honor Jesus Christ.

Now, when I want to say something or do something

that would reflect poorly in the eyes of our Lord,

I take one of these gemstones

and I'll plop it into this vase container.

Now I know that Jesse is trying.

He almost said something hurtful,

but instead, he let the gemstone do the talking.

I love my wife.

It's so simple. It works.

Creating The System was a work of passion for me.

What the fuck are you watching in here?

Horror movies?

No, The System.

Amber dropped it off.

I guess it's something she and Jesse made and sell.

Good luck.

Couples therapy of some sort.

- And trust me... - Couples therapy?

My wife spent a lot of time...

No.

More time than I would have liked her to...

Bitch.

Yeah, at first, I was like,

"Wait, Amber, do you know something I don't?

Why do you think we need The System?"

Exactly.

This was, like, very fucking dumb of her.

Bitch is trying to fuck with me.

Well, how so?

By pulling, like, junior high mean girl shit, BJ.

Don't touch anything else in there, okay?

All this stuff's poison. It's going back.

Well, I don't think we should be rude.

- BJ, our marriage is solid. - Okay?

There's... there's nothing to work on here.

So fuck The System, okay?

And fuck Amber too!

Now, every episode starts out the same.

Old Baby Billy, he comes out like that.

I make me some jokes.

Current events. Hot styles. Nothing edgy.

We're gonna keep it light so we don't limit our audience.

And then I introduce two families.

I banter with them, I do some chit-chat,

maybe I kiss 'em on the cheek.

And then one by one, they compete,

doing trivias from the Bible.

Bible.

Sorry, buddy.

Hey, buddy.

This right here.

Uncle Baby Billy, isn't this just exactly the pitch

for "Family Feuds"?

Yeah, did you run this past Daddy?

Why I got to run this by Eli?

Everybody knows y'all running shit,

unless you ain't got purchase power

or you can't pull the trigger.

No, no, we got purchase power.

We can pull triggers, homie.

Then I suggest you pull the trigger

on this here hit TV series.

Go on, take it off the market.

It's exactly "Family Feuds."

It ain't no "Family Feud."

This is "Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers."

"Bible Bonkers"?

"Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers."

- "Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers." - "Baby Billy's Bible"...

- Bible Bonkers. - Bible...

- Bunker Baby's... - Baby Billy Bible Bonkers.

Yeah, roll that around in your mouth.

- That's fun, ain't it? - You know what?

I already know how I'm gonna vote on this

if we just want to end this meeting early.

Plus, I got some stuff that I got to hash out with Jesse.

The hell you got to hash out with me?

What I got to hash out with you

is you tattling on me to your damn Fembot.

- Oh, come on. - You're mad 'cause I told Amber

that you're having an affair with a man named Stephen?

Affair?

- Stephen? - Who the fuck is Stephen?

Now you done told two more people.

Jesse, fuck me, man!

He told three.

Lionel's here too now. He heard it.

Look, can we please just concentrate on my pitch?

Come on, now.

I think my executive vote is no on "Bible Bonkers."

I don't like it.

Well, that's one thing I can agree with you on,

you fucking tattletale.

What, you really gonna say no to this concept?

- Not today, Double B. - Nah, dog, this ain't it.

- Not on our network. - This is not the kind of stuff

- we put on our network. - Mm-mm.

Y'all can't even see solid gold

when I'm shitting it right in front of you.

Y'all just piss me off.

No wonder your fucking numbers are down.

You think you can ship me off to paradise,

make me sing by a pool all motherfucking day,

getting a suntan, drinking piña coladas for free,

living in a penthouse?

Huh? No.

I'm a international-known talent.

I deserve more than that.

You haven't seen the last of me.

I mean, you're our uncle.

I'm assuming we're gonna hear from you again.

You damn right you will.

Let's go. Come on, Tiff.

Okay.

I'm just gonna leave this here for y'all to study.

- You could take all this. - Take all that shit.

We don't want it.

Uh, you left your kid here.

Oh! I'm sorry, baby.

Bye, y'all. That was fun.

- Love you, Aunt Tiffany. - Love you, baby.

- Bye. - Bye.

"Your people shall be my people.

"And your God, my God.

"And where you die, I will die, and there will I be buried.

"And may the Lord do so to me, and more also,

if anything but death parts me from you."

This week, let's think of Ruth,

think of the commitment that we have made

to the people that we love.

Until next time, praise He.

Praise He.

Thank you.

Hey, ladies. Thank you.

Excuse me.

Sorry to interrupt your zombie bitches prayer group,

but I brought something for your nosy ass.

Oh, my word.

Yeah, my word.

Are you fucking dumb?

Bringing a dang marriage counseling thing

to my fucking house?

I don't know what you think Jesse told you,

but my conscience is clean, chick.

This church needs a win, Judy.

The decline is real.

We need people to show up.

We need people to believe in us.

We do not need a scandal.

- End the affair. - Dummy, I did end it.

You did?

Yes, told him to fuck off.

I love BJ, okay?

I gave him some money.

Hopefully that'll make it kosher.

Well, good.

Then that's that.

That is that, so you don't ever need

to worry about it again.

- Fuck off, Amber. - Fine.

Fine.

Coming to cousins' night?

Duh. Daddy's making me.

Oh.

You boys got any plans tonight?

Yeah, the cousins invited us out for a cousins' night.

A cousins' night?

Imagine that.

I'm surprised they want to hang

the way they've been acting.

They don't seem to care for us at all.

Well, they invited y'all on a cousins' night.

Maybe they're trying.

You know, we really appreciate

you letting us stay here, Uncle Eli.

I don't know where we'd go if it weren't for here.

You could go live with your mama.

I know she ain't perfect, but she does love you boys.

Go live with Mama?

I don't think there's room

in that utility closet where she sleeps.

Utility closet?

Mama sleeps at the church.

That's not hygienic.

There's, like, dead birds probably in there.

You guys! Oh, nasty!

Don't... hey! Don't drink that water, man.

That pond is filthy.

Hey, dummies, that's a trout pond.

Nothing but stink slicks and dead trout.

- The water's great! - Yeah!

It's nice and crisp.

Come on in!

I feel like I'm up in the zoo right now

watching the gorillas get washed.

About to start throwing their poo at each other.

Oh, holy smokes.

What's Karl got cooking under his trunks?

He's got tons of hairs.

Looks like he got a chinchilla

stuffed up in there.

Y'all, look, that's your family out there, okay?

Why don't you stop making fun of them

and go converse with them?

I don't know what to say to them weirdos.

Why don't you go converse with them?

Yeah, go hug them while they're wet.

Well, well.

Looks like everybody's getting loose.

How come you not gon' tell us about cousins' night?

Well, because y'all aren't invited.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Lionel's your cousin, dummy.

How you not gonna invite your first cousin

to cousins' night, huh?

Cousins' night is about adult cousins, dog.

- Ain't no babies. - Hey, Lionel's your cousin,

and you will damn well treat him like one.

I will not have baby Lionel miss out on proper cousinship

just 'cause he's young.

Now, we gon' do cousins' night now.

Baby Lionel's eating dirt.

Huh?

Somebody's not gonna have any room left for barbecue.

Don't you have any help for that?

I don't rely on others.

I do things for myself.

Where do you live, May-May?

Oh, the Lord takes care of me.

Do you live here?

I can't have you live like this.

Oh, what, are you afraid of what the world will say

if they found out Eli Gemstone lets his sister

live in squalor?

You never lifted a finger to help me.

I ain't asking for it now.

Come stay.

You should be with your boys.

Take a lot more than just time to heal those wounds.

I'm surprised you care about that.

Surprised I do too.

You remember what we practiced?

- Most of the parts. - Then let's go bonkers.

So Judy tells me your lives might be in danger.

- That's horrifying. - BJ!

Don't be acting like I'm spilling beans.

Well, I'm sorry if I'm not supposed to know

y'all are wanted dead.

Judy and I share everything with each other.

Welcome to cousins' night!

Now, tonight, you gon' get a special treat

for cousins' night, because tonight,

we are gonna do a live test run

of "Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers."

- No, we ain't. - What the fuck is this?

No, Baby Billy, we ain't doing this Bonkers bullshit.

Come on, now, go with it.

Now, you don't think this is a good idea for a show.

Well, you 'bout to see right here,

'cause tonight's show, you in.

Now let's welcome the Gemstone family

versus the Montgomerys.

Is this gonna be for the TV?

Well, if it's good, it will be, yes.

- Yeah. Let's, uh... - It's not.

- Here we go. Come here. - Uh, you are?

- Karl. - Karl Montgomery.

And... and what... what do you do?

- Lawn care. - Who-what?

- Uh... - Landscaping.

- Oh, you mow grass. - All right.

- Yeah. - Good. Yeah.

Who are you and what do you do?

- Chuck. - I just work with my brother.

All right. Uh-uh.

Now we coming to the Gemstone side of the table.

Okay, little weirdo boy with the puffy muscles,

who are you?

- I'm Kelvin. - We're not doing this, dude.

Your shit sucks, Baby Billy.

Hey, now, don't use that kind of language, Judy.

This a family show, now.

You ain't family.

So what do you do?

I run the motherfucking church, stud.

Running the church and running around.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Uh, who are you?

Look, when we're done with these introductions,

can we just kill it, all right?

This isn't really an appropriate time to be

doing the damn holy moly show or whatever this is.

Hey, this ain't no holy moly show.

This is "Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers."

The two first-born from each family,

y'all come up here in the middle.

Come on, come up here in the middle.

Come on, Jesse, let's go. You can count.

- Baby, just go. - Shut him up.

- Get him, big brother. - Let's go.

Be a good sport.

- Come on, baby. - It's so lame.

- All right, let's go. - Right up here. Come on.

Look, if I get the answers wrong,

it doesn't matter because this isn't

fucking real to begin with, okay?

Just get up there and beat his fucking ass, Jesse.

Let's go, Jesse.

You got this.

Hit it, Tiff.

Great job, Tiff. All right. First question. Here we go now.

- How do we buzz in? - Hey.

Yeah, these buzzers aren't even real.

I mean, this is stupid. What the hell are we doing?

Don't be saying, "What are we doing?"

Just buzz in with your fucking mouth.

I'm sorry, there will be no cursing on this program.

First question, now.

Who got Joseph thrown into prison by lying about him?

Potiphar's wife!

Potiphar's wife is correct.

Damn, we got to do a tiebreaker.

Second question.

Who else was in prison with Joseph?

The Pharaoh's cupbearer and his... butler.

- Wrong! - Mm-mm.

Montgomery's chance to steal.

- Fuck. - That was an easy one, Jesse.

Damn it.

Pharaoh's cupbearer and chief baker.

Correct.

- Montgomerys have the lead. - Whoo!

No, they don't have the lead.

Don't cheat, Jesse.

I know that must be tough for you Gemstones.

- I'm not! - You know what?

The Montgomerys don't have the lead.

I'm not playing this game anymore.

I don't like fucking Bible Bunkers Babies!

I'm not doing this!

Game over. Shut it down.

You still the same old spoiled, sore sport

you were when we were kids.

Hey, can you do me a favor, Chuck?

Why don't you go fuck yourself, okay,

and then go find a family that actually cares about you,

you fucking Montgomery.

Well, I'd rather be a Montgomery than a Gemstone.

I thought it was just your mommy and daddy

that didn't care about others, but the nuts don't fall

too far from the tree.

Hey, yo, you'd better watch what you say about our mama.

Take a seat, Judy Gemstone.

The menfolk are talking, and those kind of chime-ins

are not appropriate.

Judy, keep your earrings on, girl.

Why is she taking them earrings off?

'Cause we finna fight, boy.

Please, Judy, no, don't fight.

No, there ain't gonna be no fight.

There's just gonna be a 187.

I'll cut you from fucking stem to sternum, you bitch.

- Oh. - Come on, I'll kill you.

- Stick him, Jesse. - I got a knife too.

- Oh, my Lord. - Y'all play too much now.

Jesse Gemstone, you put that knife away.

I'll put my knife away when he puts his knife away.

Well, I ain't putting my knife away

unless he puts his knife away.

Well, then I guess we're keeping

the fucking knives out!

You just gonna circle each other,

or someone's gonna do a stabbing?

Get your... bitch.

You big bitch.

- Oh, my God. - Guys, he's choking.

No, not him. Him!

- Karl? - Oh.

- Karl? - Spit it out.

Come on, Karl. Come on.

Spit it out, Karl!

- Spit it out! - Hit him!

Hit him harder!

Karl, come on, Karl!

- Heimlich his ass! - Lick his what?

Hurry up! He can't breathe!

- Guys, he don't look so good. - Oh, my God.

I can't get my arms around him.

He's too big.

Jesse, bend him over the table!

Oh!

- Karl, don't die! - Get him! Ram him!

- Ah! - Yes!

Come on, he's gonna die!

He can't breathe!

We got to do it at the same time!

- Okay! - On... on... on three!

Three, two, one!

- Karl? - BJ.

Karl?

Oh!

- Are you okay? - Uh...

Chuck, I was so scared.

I couldn't breathe.

That's why we're always saying,

"Chew your food."

- I'm sorry, Chucky. - It's okay, buddy.

- I'm sorry. - I won't do it again.

You're okay now.

Hey!

- Cousins. - Hey.

Hey.

It was nice hanging out with y'all tonight, cousins.

And... and no one thinks less of you because you choked,

Big Karl.

- Thanks, guys. - Where y'all going?

Just walking back to our daddy's?

We ain't got nowhere else to go.

Well, let me give you a ride.

Okay.

Cool.

I think it's a great idea even if nobody else does.

Oh, I appreciate the support, baby.

But they gon' buy "Bible Bonkers" now.

There will come a payday.

Lionel's asleep in the back.

You think maybe I can get some ass?

There's a road right up here.

Can we get some waffles after we get some ass?

You bet we can.

I smelled the meat that came out of your cousin.

It wasn't the sausage dip that choked him.

It... it was poultry.

Gross, Keefe.

And no, I didn't think it was your sausage dip.

That stuff's too good.

And your fire dance was lit.

Easily the best part of 'tis eve.

You never disappoint.

Good eye tonight, Beej.

Helped save cousin Karl's life, you dang hero.

I'm not a hero.

I'm an optometrist.

We see everything.

Okay.

- Come here. - Oh.

Oh, this feels so good.

Yeah, get that spot over there.

Yes, ma'am