Original subtitles

J“ it may be you j“

j“ who know, who knows j“

j“ dreams can come true j“

j“ suppose, suppose j"

j“ love's wheel of fortune j“

j“ turning, turning j"

j“ that's old and young hearts j"

j“ yearning, yearning j“

j“ will it be lucky me j"

j“ wait and see j"

j“ it may be you j“

j“ 80 close your eyes j"

j“ dream that your arms j“

j“ enfold the prize j"

j“ love is a lottery, it's true j"

j'yetj'

j“ someone must win j”

j“ it may be you j“

We want Rex!

We want Rex!

We want Rex!

We want Rex!

All right now, break it up, girls.

Break it up.

Break it up, girls.

Divide the gangway, clear the stainnay.

Make way for Mr. Allerton.

Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex.

We want allerton, we want Rex.

Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex,

Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex,

Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex.

- Jennings.

Have I ever made a film called "tonight for sure?"

- No, sir.

- You're certain?

- Quite certain.

- Oh, I had a dream,

I was at the world premiere of this film.

The fans tore me to bits.

- Indeed, sir.

Mr. Ritchie cave had that very same dream, sir.

- Ritchie cave?

Oh, I remember him, he was a very big film star.

What's become of him?

- He's not yet discharged from the nursing home, sir.

Oh, I believe he's making excellent progress.

He's weaving baskets and is allowed to cut up his own food.

- The same dream?

- Yes, sir.

- I'm not sure that I'd mind a nice nursing home.

There's bound to be some quiet place with loads of privacy.

- I'll see to your breakfast, sir.

- Just ahead and directly on the left

is the residence of Mr. Rex allerton.

Mr. Allerton formerly lived in beverley hills

but recently bought this property to have more privacy.

Shall we all show how much we admire Mr. Allerton

by saying, "good morning!"

Yoo-hoo!

Rexy!

Hello there, gorgeous.

Who do you think you are?

Get out of my way, you big twerp!

Get out of my way, you old man, come on.

Get out of my way.

- Oh, rexy, oh!

Rexy!

Oh!

- I found them in your dressing room, sir.

They were going through your things.

- Rex. - Rex.

- Oh, Rex. - Oh, Rex.

- We didn't ant to steal anything.

We only wanted some of your old socks or hankies,

things like that.

- Isn't that stealing?

- Well, we're your fans.

- Let them go, Jennings.

- Oh, Rex.

Gee, thanks, Rex.

- Hold it, Mr. Allerton.

Back up, Mr. Allerton.

- Well I read the script, it was strictly from hunger,

so I sent for my agent and I said, "look, chowderhead,

I don't pay you 10% to ruin me."

- Can I have the clinch position please, Mr. Allerton?

Now, quiet now, roll 'em.

- So, off I went to the front office

and I laid down the law, believe you me.

Four, two, five, take one.

- You can tear up my contract, I told them.

Get yourselves another girl.

Okay, kids, here we go.

Ready, action!

- Sorry, perspiration.

- Come along, maxie. - Sorry.

Settle down now.

Action!

- Your kisses are like fire.

- They burn with my love for you.

- I cannot let you go.

The swordsman you face is the most dangerous blade

in Europe.

- The scoundrel dared to Sully your fair name, he must die.

Cut!

Okay, very good.

- "I could go back to Broadway," I said,

"and what about television?"

Well, you should have seen their faces.

"And another thing," I said, "what about

the act of god clause in my contract?

Just for spite, I could have a baby."

Furthermore, when I went into the office...

- Tough day, eh, Rex?

- Oh, about the same as usual, maxie.

- I'll peel this rug off first.

Then I'll give you a nice relaxing massage.

That's what I always used to do for ritchie cave.

- Ritchie cave?

Well, that's the actor they had to put away, isn't it?

- Only temporarily.

He's getting along fine.

I went to see him a couple of weeks ago

and took him some coloured paper.

He likes to make cutout pictures.

Funny thing about Mr. Cave, one day

he was just as normal as you or me.

And yet, that same night, he went to every theatre in town

that was showing one of his pictures

and shot the screen full of holes.

Now why would he want to do a thing like that?

Relax now, take it easy.

You've got plenty of time till they line up the next shot.

Relax.

Relax.

Oh Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Five minutes, please, Mr. Allerton.

Mr. Allerton, five minutes, please.

Curtain going up, Mr. Allerton.

- He jests at scars who never felt a wound.

Soft.

What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

It is my lady, oh, it is my love.

See how she leans her cheek upon her hand?

Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand

that I might touch that cheek.

- Golly.

- She speaks.

Oh, speak again, bright angel.

For thou art as glorious to this night

as is the winged messenger of heaven.

- Oh, boy!

J“ Romeo, Romeo j“

j“ wherefore art thou Romeo j"

- What did you want to do that for, Rex?

- I'm sorry, maxie.

I must have been asleep.

Are you alright?

- Yes.

The assistant director was here,

they've cancelled the afternoon call, you're free.

- Free.

Free.

- You all right, Rex?

- Yes, I'm fine.

Maxie, do me a favour, call o.D. Stanton's office

and tell his secretary I'm coming up there right away.

- Okay.

Stanton here.

Joe, I've got Rex allerton with me.

He's tired, he needs a vacation, understand?

- Yes, Mr. Stanton. - Right.

Fix him a trip to Europe, Paris, Rome, London.

Cable all our offices,

I want this planned like a campaign, understand?

- Yes, Mr. Stanton. - Right.

Get the press lined up in all the territories.

With our organisation behind him, Rex should knock 'em cold.

I want press receptions, personals,

banquets, interviews with royalty, hints at romance.

I want Rex to have a wonderful time, understand?

- Yes, Mr. Stanton. - Right.

- Oliver, please, I don't want a vacation,

I just want to get away, for good.

- Do you mean leave the studio?

Leave Hollywood?

Rex.

- Well, I'm just not getting anywhere.

- Well you've got the second biggest fan mail in the studio,

second only to fang the wonder dog.

- Thank you.

Oh, Oliver, look, I know there's lots

of worthwhile work done here, but none of it

seems to come my way.

- Well, you make people happy, Rex,

isn't that worthwhile?

- Oh sure, three times a year,

I go waltzing through that casbah,

or swing form a chandelier, holding a sword in one hand

and a blonde in the other.

I'm an actor, Oliver, not a performing goldfish.

- You give people escape from their drab surroundings

into a world of colour and- - escape.

Why does everything have to be an escape?

Movies are an escape, radio, television, advertising,

all acting as escapes.

What about reality?

- Who'll pay for reality?

They've got reality.

They hate it.

Come in.

What is it, fellas?

Can't you see I'm busy?

- Sorry, Mr. Stanton.

You said five o'clock for the picture.

- Okay, fellas.

Sorry, Rex.

Well, how's my boy, huh?

Say, his nose seems kinda hot and dry.

Is he all right?

- He's pretty tired, Mr. - Stanton, he's had a hard day.

Bob, get down here and get a nice big shot

of Mr. Stanton and fang.

Get down to it.

- Rex, I know this isn't the old Vic or stratford-on-avon,

it's a studio, a business.

We make what we hope will please a lot of people.

- You ready, Mr. Stanton?

- Okay, fellas.

But it takes teamwork, you, me.

- And fang the wonder dog.

- Yes, and fang.

And I'd make pictures with a mongoose or a boa constrictor

if that's what the fans wanted.

- Fans.

Have you ever had any fans, Oliver?

I've got millions of them, all organised into clubs.

I'm a public utility.

Anybody who pays a quarter to see me on the screen

automatically buys the right to use me,

to tell me what to do.

If I vote for this side, I'm a communist.

If I vote for that, I'm a fascist.

If I don't vote at all, I'm evading my duties as a citizen.

Vegetarians tell me not to eat meat.

Temperance groups yap if I take a drink.

They yap if I smoke, they yap if I don't smoke.

They yap, yap, yap, yap,

Yap, yap, yap yap...

Well, what's that?

Convention of fang's fan clubs?

- Someone in publicity dreamed up a stunt

to have the studio launch a worldwide search

for the perfect mate for fang.

- Perfect mate for fang?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, why not, the poor brute works hard enough,

he ought to get something out of it.

As a matter of fact, I'm a just a teeny weeny bit jealous.

- You are, huh?

Okay, son, we'll fix you too.

Rodney Wheeler's dreamed up a good stunt for you

and he's waiting to see you now.

- To find the perfect mate for me?

- Rodney's column appears in 700 newspapers,

and on the air he reaches millions.

Now you be nice to him.

- Oh, sure.

Oliver, is my nose rather hot and dry?

- I'll go along with you myself.

The personal touch, huh?

- Yeah, I can feel it right between the shoulder blades.

- Great stunt for circulation and a wonderful idea

for you and your pictures, Rex.

The column does a big feature every year.

It's for frustrated people.

Make your dreams come true.

And the prize is a car, or a cruise,

or a trip to Europe, or a new wardrobe.

Something they've been longing for.

But this year, they'll get a prize

that nobody can top, a prize they'll never forget.

An entire week in Hollywood as the guest of Rex allerton.

- Why only a week?

Oh.

You don't like the idea.

- Oh, I think it's a fine idea.

I just don't think the prize is big enough, that's all.

You see, you both think that dog actors are the only ones

that give their all to the public.

You underestimate the human section of our profession.

For 10 years, you've been waving me at women

like a red rag at a bull.

You've been teasing them with autographs of Rex allerton,

photographs of Rex allerton, a day with Rex allerton.

Now you want to give them a week with Rex allerton.

Oh, let's stop teasing them, Oliver.

If his readers really want me, they can have me.

Not just bits and pieces and tantalising

little odds and ends.

They can have the lot.

I'll marry the winner.

- That's a pretty good story right there.

- But Rodney, you can't!

He tracts everything, don't you, Rex?

- Not a word.

The perfect mate for Rex the wonder boy, okay?

- Attaboy, the love lottery, fine idea.

And what a prize.

Well, I've just got time to make the eastern papers.

Thank you so much, goodbye.

- Woof woof.

- Is this gonna be your attitude from now on?

- Who knows?

I may be entering upon my uncooperative phase.

People change, you know.

In reality, that is.

- Reality may not be all you think it is, Rex.

I hope you don't have to make that discovery for yourself.

- Woof woof woof.

- Good night, Mr. Allerton.

- Hey, how about me for the consolation prize?

- Oh, any time.

Good night.

- Good night. - Good night, sir.

- Mothers of america.

If your children bring home poor reports from school,

perhaps the fault is yours.

Unbiased scientists working in soundproof laboratories

have discovered that a hot breakfast

is more than twice as nourishing as no breakfast at all.

Give your children sludge for breakfast

and see the marked improvement in their work.

And remember, mothers of america,

that sludge is the only cereal

that will not leak in a plane.

And now, back to Rodney Wheeler and the news from Hollywood.

- Mr. Rex allerton tells me that his suggestion

about a love lottery was inspired

by the contest now being run to find a mate

for fang the wonder dog of parnassus films.

Well, the studio decided today

to rewrite "sagebrush justice,"

which was to be Rex's new film, for guess who?

Fang the wonder dog.

Very funny, eh Rex?

Furthermore, judging from the attitude

of the studio executives, I wouldn't be surprised

if Rex has joked himself right out of his contract.

- Isn't it great to be back?

- It's a fine change for you, sir.

- You'll see my name up there before long, Jennings.

- Most gratifying, sir.

I'll take these to the valet.

I wouldn't admit anybody, sir.

The staff tells me that fans and autograph hunters

have been all over the hotel.

- I'll look the door. - Thank you, sir.

- Good night. - Good night, sir.

- You've locked the wrong door, Mr. Allerton.

- How did you get in here?

- I'm not a curiosity seeker, or an autograph hunter,

Mr. Allerton.

Permit me.

I am Andre amico, chairman of the syndicate.

Our head office is in tremaggio,

a peaceful paradise on a earth, Mr. Allerton.

You shall visit it.

- "International syndicate of computation."

What do you compute?

- Odds, Mr. Allerton.

- — Odds? - Odds.

- As in football pools and horse racing?

- Always in relation to human nature.

Suppose I were to let you cry heads or tails, or both,

and laid you odds of three to one.

- Well, I'd cover both, and you'd lose every time.

- Now that's human nature.

Now watch.

And that, Mr. Allerton, is the syndicate.

Actually, quite a simple trick.

Merely one way of dealing with the law of averages.

Now, my syndicate is a gambling syndicate.

My own preoccupation is with a number of lotteries.

Lotteries.

In this respect, Mr. Allerton, you interest me very much.

- I interest you?

Oh, my dear fellow, surely you realise

that the love lottery was just a joke.

- Of course, I never thought it was anything else.

And the newspapers and wireless, they treated it as a joke.

Comedians in night clubs and music halls made fun of it.

- Precisely.

- Allow me, Mr. Allerton.

A history of your joke up to the present moment.

Here is the first announcement in Wheeler's column.

Here are followup stories, letters to editors,

excerpts from news broadcasts, et cetera,

all treating it as a ridiculous story from Hollywood

and making fun of it.

- Because it was a joke, I keep on telling you that.

- But why didn't the joke die, Mr. Allerton?

In these following items, I detect a wistful note.

Some of the jokes are more respectful.

It is now the kind ofjoke that might be gravely remembered.

- Have you taken this ridiculous thing seriously?

You must be mad.

- Never where money is concerned, Mr. Allerton.

Consider it.

I would make you a very rich man.

Look.

The films, wireless, magazines, newspapers, advertising,

all exploit the frustrations of women.

There are five giant industries all based

on this one premise.

Why shouldn't there be a sixth, which actually

would be more honest than the other five?

- This is ridiculous.

- Is what I just told you so ridiculous?

Consider it, Mr. Allerton.

- Oh, this is out of the question.

I've come to London to go back on the stage.

Oh?

You're not making more films?

- Oh no, I bought my way out of my contract.

- Oh, you've bought a release from your contract?

- Mm-hmm.

- I hope you didn't pay too much.

- Just about everything I had, but it was worth it.

Goodbye, Mr. Amico.

- Au revoir, Mr. Allerton.

- Well, dear boy, I'm very flattered

that you've come to me first to discuss

your return to the stage.

- You gave me my first chance,

right here in this very theatre.

- So I did.

The brothers karamazov, lost 2000 on it.

You'd a lot of talent, Rex, a lot of talent.

Hollywood, they say it's a wonderful climate.

Do you grow your own oranges?

- Laid my own eggs, too.

Well, how about a play?

- You know, Rex, I don't think you want

an old-fashioned fogey like me.

There are managers who'd jump at the chance

and commission a play for you.

One of those romantic musicals, I expect.

I only wish I knew how they were done,

they make a mint of money.

You don't care for the idea?

- Well, I paid a great deal to get away

from that sort of part.

I want to come back into the theatre proper.

- You see, Rex, there's a certain kind of thing

that audiences want to see you in.

- Exclusively?

- I'm afraid so.

You've been playing these bare—chested pirates

and explorers and swordsmen for so long now

that I doubt if the public would believe you

in ordinary clothes.

- I see.

Of course, that's only my opinion.

- No, I think you're probably right.

I hate to say it, but I think I am, too.

Going to be in town long?

- I don't know, perhaps.

Well, let's be hearing from you.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Taxi!

I'm terribly sorry, I'm in a terrible hurry, I'll be back.

Taxi!

It's a shame, I'm terribly sorry, I'm a great hurry.

Waiter, taxi.

Rexy!

- I don't think it would be wise to use

either the back or front entrances, Mr. Allerton.

Our latest reports indicate that

the crowds there are very bad, highly excitable.

So I'm taking you down to the kitchens.

We have another way out there, normally used for refuse.

I hope you won't mind.

- Lead on. - Yes, sir.

J“ Rex allerton's gone away j"

j“ will ye no come back again j“

J“ Rex allerton, Rex allerton j“

j“ rexy Rex, rexy Rex j“

j“ rexy little rexy, rexy little rexy j“

j“ allerton, allerton j“

j“ allerton, allerton j“

j“ ah, the little allerton j"

j“ rexy like this j"

j“ ah, rexy, ah, rexy j“

j“ ah rexy, ah, rexy j"

j“ come to little allerton j“

j“ oh oh, allerton j“

j“ Rex, Rex, Rex j"

j“ Rex allerton j"

j“ Rex, Rex j”

j“ Rex allerton's coming, hurrah, hurrah j"

j“ Rex allerton's coming, Rex allerton's coming j“

j“ Rex allerton's coming, Rex j“

- Rex! Rex! Rex! Rex! Rex! Rex! Rex! Rex! Rex!

- We'll try tremaggio.

Yes, sir.

- Give me a cigarette, Jennings.

- You're smoking one, sir. - What?

- You're smoking one.

- I'm all right.

What's that for?

- Your cigarette, sir.

- Forget about it.

Whatever tremaggio's like, if the fans come at me

with flamethrowers and hand grenades, we're staying.

- Yes, sir.

- I'm tired.

I'm sick of travel.

And I can't afford it much longer.

- No, sir.

Get a good night's sleep, sir?

- Get a good night's sleep?

Rex allerton, Rex allerton,

Rex allerton, Rex allerton.

- You see, doctor, my problem is

that in all these dreams, I see

the same person over and over again.

And in all these dreams, everyone is this same person.

It's a girl, a blonde girl, rather pretty.

- Uh-huh, you're suffering from langendorf syndrome,

hupfinger's disease, a father fixation,

and an oedipus complex.

As for your dreams, all I can say

is that such dreams are quite impossible.

You must be dreaming.

It is absurd for you to say that you dream

continually of the same person.

But don't worry, come every day at this time

for 15 or 20 years, and you'll soon be cured.

And now for a little physical check—up!

- Mr. Allerton, we'll be arriving in an hour.

- Arriving? Oh yes, yes, arriving.

- Mr. Allerton, you're perspiring.

- So would you be if you had langendorf syndrome

and hupfinger's disease.

- I'll lay out your things, sir.

- Are we due in?

- The train goes right up to the landing stage,

Mr. Allerton.

There'll be nobody about so early.

We go straight on the boat for tremaggio.

- Tremaggio.

Whatever made me choose tremaggio?

A peaceful paradise on earth.

Did you say that to me, Jennings?

- Not that I remember, sir.

- That's funny, I must have got it from baedeker's.

- You've briefed everyone?

- Everyone.

- The visitors?

- Certainly.

The request for absolute privacy has been made in your name.

- The local shopkeepers?

Taxi drivers, boatmen?

- They've received 1000 lira.

Believe me, for that much money,

they won't recognise their own mothers.

- Seems to be all right, sir.

- It may be a trick.

- Oh, I don't think so, sir.

Just a few people waiting to meet friends and relatives.

- Did you see that, Jennings?

- Most gratifying, sir.

- Have you any luggage?

Could I be of any assistance?

- I haven't made a reservation.

I want a suite at the hotel.

My name is Rex allerton.

- Of course, of course, Mr. Allenberg.

Assemble the luggage of Mr. Hamilton.

How long are you going to stay, Mr. Anderthal?

- Oh, maybe a month, maybe the season,

maybe a year, maybe for life.

- This way, Mr. Himmelstein.

- Karachi, 167. — what?

- Saragosa, 2000.

- Ah, new totals on the grand national.

Dashaway, the favourite, 72,384 pounds, eight shillings,

fireball, 23,274 pounds, 10 shillings,

acquavit, 11,384 pounds, and Rose of Sharon,

7224 pounds, four shillings, sixpence.

- Bet 962 pounds on each of the last three horses,

427 on the next two.

If the favourite wins at four to one,

our profit comes to 53,866 pounds,

11 shillings, and twopence.

No, I've got that all wrong.

It's not 11 shillings and twopence,

it's 10 shillings and sixpence.

Terribly sorry.

- What are you waiting for?

Do you want miss Jane to tyre her mind

by repeating everything?

Has she not told you what to do?

I've told you all a thousand times,

when it comes to number, statistic, figures,

miss Jane is to be obeyed, instantly.

Gentlemen, board meeting.

- Oh, sleep that knits up the ravelled sleeve of care.

That's the best nap I've had for months.

- Perhaps it's the climate, sir.

- Nonsense, it's the people.

The sound, intelligent burghers of tremaggio.

They mind their own business, pay no attention to strangers.

Splendid lot, all of them.

Well, I think I'll just take a stroll now,

and have a look at the place.

- Alone, sir?

Do you think that's wise?

- Oh, really, Jennings, I'm surprised at your lack of faith.

This is tremaggio, land of privacy.

These enchanting people have never even heard of me.

Unpack everything.

We may stay here forever.

- Gentlemen, I have good news.

Rex allerton is now in tremaggio.

Our new lottery will soon be operating.

- He has agreed?

- No.

- If he has not agreed, then where is our lottery?

- Exactly.

And if we have no lottery, why have we been

neglecting our business and incurring all these expenses?

- Oi, ia.

- Quite so.

It is not the time for such extravagance.

All over the world, our business is bad.

People are not gambling.

They are buying homes, making safe investments,

building up bank accounts, with our money.

- Must agree with previous speaker.

In my country, China, we love to gamble.

Previously big profits.

Now new government, gambling monopoly of state.

No more red and black on Chinese roulette wheels.

Only red.

Very bad.

- You are all absolutely right.

Which is why you are all absolutely wrong.

Of course conditions are poor in gambling and in lotteries.

But ask yourselves why.

Is it because people have less money?

Not a factor.

The rich do not buy lottery tickets.

The fault lies with our prizes.

Gentlemen, we must have a new kind of prize.

- Miss Jane? - Yeah?

- Do you know of film star Rex allerton?

- That man with the wet lips and the silly face?

- These things, I believe, are a matter of opinion.

- I saw him in a film in which he killed

439 savage tribesmen without stopping

to reload his trusty rifle.

That comes to 91 and three-fifth savage tribesmen per shot.

- Hmm.

I'm starting a new lottery, with Rex allerton as the prize.

The winner to marry him.

What do you say?

- Well, why not?

All sorts of livestock is raffled off nowadays.

A friend of mine won a Turkey in a raffle.

- I need a statistical survey, the kind you excel in.

Expectancy of sales, social groups,

and income brackets, foreign markets, you know.

- Based on Rex allerton as first prize?

Does the celluloid Casanova know about it?

- In a way.

He's being prepared.

And I particularly need your help.

- The wolf to be thrown to the sheep.

I'll back the sheep.

I'll go and count them.

- Miss Jane.

The sheep we all know.

I want you to get acquainted with the wolf.

- Mr. Allerton?

Oh, what a thrill.

You don't know what this means to me.

Please, Mr. Allerton.

- Oh yes.

- Write it to zenobia.

Zed, e, n, o.

- Look, Rex allerton!

- No, I won't!

- Oh, please forgive me, I am sorry, really,

I had to hide somewhere, they were after me.

- They?

- Women, great snarling, fighting, screaming pack of women!

- Were you molesting them?

- Certainly not.

- Or giving away nylons?

Oh, you're it.

I mean, him.

That fellow.

- As advertised.

I was just strolling around, looking at the town,

and all of a sudden, they were on me.

- They?

- Women, great grisly acres of women!

I'm sorry, there's nothing personal.

- Are they still lurking?

- Just sniffing around, trying to pick up the scent.

- What do you suppose they see in you?

- Oh, I wish I knew, I'd have it altered

if it meant months of surgery and total disfigurement.

- I'll smuggle you to safety.

Meanwhile, follow me, Mr. Allerton.

Well, I've got to call you something.

- Smith is the name, John Smith.

- Right you are.

In here, smitty.

Here you are, smitty.

Now you turn left, and you are in a maze of alleys.

But if you keep the lake on your right

and the sun on your left, you're bound

to come out somewhere.

- Lake on the right, sun on the left.

Thank you.

- It was a pleasure.

- We'll stay out here till it gets dark,

then we'll head in.

I'll make arrangements later to move on somewhere else.

I don't know where we'll go, we'll go somewhere.

- Pity it didn't turn out better, I'm sorry, sir.

- Smitty!

Oh!

Oh!

Hi, smitty!

- Towel, miss? - Thank you.

What brings you out here, smitty?

- A passion for privacy.

- Hey, come back!

- What about privacy?

- I didn't mean you.

- Thank you.

You can go home, I'm all right!

I'm with friends!

I think.

- Thank you.

- Are you staying on in tremaggio?

- No, I wish I was.

- Too bad.

- How about, you live here?

- More or less.

I work here.

- What do you do?

- I'm a mathematician.

- You're a what?

- I see what you mean.

It is improbable, isn't it?

- No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-

- no, no, it's quite all right.

Hardly anyone believes me at first,

but when I've multiplied a few 10-digit numbers

and given the cube root for a few more, they come round.

- You do all that?

- And more, smitty, and more.

- Look, this may be my last night here in tremaggio.

Will you have dinner with me?

- Of course!

I've been sitting in this wet suit

waiting for you to speak up.

Come around at 8:30.

We'll do some compound fractions before dinner.

- What's your name. - Jane!

Jeanne Dubois!

What's yours?

No, better not say it!

There's a school of female fish just off to starboard!

8:30!

- Goodbye!

- Little else remains to be told.

While other little girls were rolling hoops

or playing games with little boys,

I was at home, contentedly finding the hypotenuse

of this or that, letting x equal all sorts of things.

Before you could find the cube root of nine,

I was a well-known genius.

- Well done.

- You feel fine tonight?

- I feel a sense of power.

You know what I'd do if o.D. Stanton were here?

- What would you do if o.D. Stanton was here?

- I should ignore him.

- My hero.

- Another bottle of this splendid wine

and I'd turn my sense of power loose on the casino.

- Oh, Rex, the worst thing you can take

to a casino is a sense of power.

- Oh, nonsense.

Doubtless you saw my sterling performance

in “rogues of the river?"

Well, there I was, gambling millions on the turn of a card,

poised, unruffled, as Cooke as a coolcumber.

Pour.

Oh, a splendid steed.

What spirit.

Forelegs pawing the ground, nostrils flaring

with a sense of adventure.

- That makes two of you.

Come on.

- Hmm, I wonder what became of my sense of power.

Well, I lost a bit, didn't I?

- I'm afraid so, Mr. Allerton.

We met in London.

- Ah, yes.

In London.

I remember you very well.

- If you prefer, Mr. Allerton,

we can discuss your losses in the morning.

- Oh, nonsense, my dear fellow.

Gambling debt is a debt of honour.

I'll pay you right now.

Take it all.

Anything that's left over, distribute it among my friends.

- I'm afraid this does not quite cover it, Mr. Allerton.

Oh no, I guess it doesn't.

- Oh, it's quite all right, sir.

We have your checks and can simply

cash them through your bank.

- Fine, you do that.

Splendid fellow, an old friend, from London.

How much does it amount to, in all?

- 30,000 pounds.

Thank you.

30,000?

- Pounds.

Good morning, Mr. Allerton.

- Good morning.

How do you feel today, sir?

- We have met, haven't we?

- Oh yes.

It'll come back to you.

- Look, there's no point in beating about the bush.

I drank too much last night.

I don't know how I came to play so high, and I'm very sorry.

I'll pay, of course, but I'll have to ask you

to give me some time.

- All the time you like.

Here are your checks, take them, burn them,

it's of no consequence.

- I don't understand.

- Hmm.

Naturally, Mr. Allerton, if you are a player at the casino,

and if you lose, you must pay.

But I would like to think of you as my partner.

Allow me.

- Oh my...

It's only the rough artwork, Mr. Allerton.

- Oh, of course, now I remember you.

- I thought it would come back to you.

Mr. Allerton, you owe me 30,000 pounds.

I hold your checks and you tell me you cannot cover them.

It happens that in tremaggio, that is a crime.

However, I dislike the atmosphere created by such talk.

I would very much like to present you with these.

- For that?

- Yes.

- I think I preferjail.

- When you yourself at first suggested

the love lottery, as a joke, you didn't feel

you were ridiculing yourself, did you?

- No. - Of course not.

You were ridiculing the world.

The atmosphere of hero worship,

the artificiality of your life.

The love lottery was the most extreme form of it all.

Well now, simply leave out the one word, joke.

That's all I'm asking you to do.

- You seem to have an inexhaustible supply of arguments.

I don't know how to cope with you.

All I've got is a hangover.

Now please understand this, once and for all.

I haven't the faintest intention of becoming

anybody's treble chance for first prize.

Send for the police, if that's what you want.

- Allow me one more argument.

Ah, good morning, Jane.

I believe you are acquainted with my associate, miss Dubois.

Jane, I would like to familiarise Mr. Allerton

with the figures compiled in survey x.

- A cross—section grouping of women,

the median age being 28 years and three months,

of these, only 39.06% being married,

survey indicated that at an average ticket price

of 10 shillings, 73.62% will purchase 1.7 tickets each.

Another 9% would-

- that's quite enough, thank you.

You are quite a mathematician, aren't you?

- It's a living.

Is that all?

- No, just a moment.

When I took refuge in your house yesterday,

you were expecting me, weren't you?

It was all part of a plan, wasn't it?

- Of course.

- And when you showed up near the boat.

- Same plan.

- And last night, when we had dinner,

and later at the casino, you were just

working on a job, weren't you?

- I'm a working girl.

- Thank you.

- Poor smitty.

You do have trouble with girls, don't you?

- You may go, Jane.

I believe Mr. Allerton and I are about

to come to an agreement.

Partners?

It may be you.

J“ who knows j"

dreams can come true.

J“ suppose j“

j“ love's wheel of fortune j“

j“ turning, turning j"

j“ sets old and young hearts j"

j“ yearning, yearning j“

Will it be lucky me?

Wait and see.

J“ love is a lottery j"

j“ it's true j"

j'yetj'

j“ someone must win j”

j“ it may be you j“

- The title is now settled.

It will be called "the hare in the gate."

Hello, what's all this?

Oh!

Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex, Rex...

- Rex, your kisses are like fire.

- They burn with my love for you.

- I cannot let you go.

The swordsman you face is the most dangerous

blade in Europe.

Sorry, perspiration.

- You wanted reality, did you?

I'll give you reality!

Oh!

Oh!

- Beloved, we can cheat this villain of his prey

only if we leap together.

- Gladly, my love, only one last kiss.

Oh Rex, your kisses are like fire.

- They burn with my love for you.

Sally.

It's past seven, you'll be late.

- Your kisses burn like fire.

What?

Whose kisses burn like fire?

- Oh, I'm sorry, mum, I was asleep.

- Well, I don't hold with that sort of sleep.

Now you get out of that bed at once, you'll be late.

- All right, mum.

I'll be right down.

Doreen, I had another dream.

Go on.

- It was in France or Portugal, or one of those places.

He fought a duel because my honour was tarnished.

- Was it?

- I don't remember.

But then we jumped from the castle wall,

and we were both crushed to bits on the rocks.

- That's beautiful.

- Oh, it was wonderful.

I've got to buy another ticket, I've just got to.

- But they're 12 shillings each, and you've got four now.

- Good morning, Doreen. - Good morning.

- Good morning, Sally. - Good morning, Ralph.

- How about the pictures tonight, Sally, eh?

- Oh, yes, Ralph, that'd be lovely.

Let's go to the rivoli and see Rex allerton.

- Oh, we can't go and see him again.

- Oh, if you'd rather not, I'll go by myself then.

- But Sally, I...

Oh, all right.

- Usual time? - Okay.

- Gosh, he's ever so miserable.

It's like a real love story.

- Sally.

Sally!

- Oh, I'm sorry, Ralph.

What is it?

- Sally, you've hardly said a word

since we left the pictures.

- I was thinking, a picture like that makes you think.

Remember the scene where vilma dazzle

turns her back on her fiance, and goes off to marry Rex,

even though he's only a poor fisherman?

- A poor fisherman?

With a boat with a marble bath and television.

Sally, I'm getting another rise next week,

the second in four years.

Why, Ralph, that's lovely.

It's late now, thanks for taking me to the show.

- Sally, why do you think I'm telling you about the rise?

Let's get married, Sally.

- Married?

- Yes, married.

You've heard of getting married, haven't you?

They do it all the time in the films.

You know I'm crazy about you, Sally.

- Ralph, I'm fond of you, and it's ever so nice of you

to ask me, but I can't.

I don't want to settle down.

I've never been anywhere or done anything.

I was born and went to school and went to work,

all in this district.

I want something different.

- You want to live like they live in the films?

- What if I do? - It's not real.

- It could be real.

I'd have wonderful dresses and go to parties,

and drive about in a big car, and lie in a bath

with bubbles in it.

- Oh, you've got a head with bubbles in it.

Look, Sally, there's no life like that,

it's only in the films.

- Good night, Ralph.

J“ it may be you j“

j“ who knows, who knows j"

j“ dreams can come true j“

j“ suppose, suppose j"

j“ love's wheel of fortune j“

j“ turning, turning j"

j“ sets old and young hearts j"

j“ yearning, yearning j“

j“ will it be lucky me j"

j“ wait and see j"

j“ it may be you j“

j“ so close your eyes j"

j“ dream that your arms enfold the prize j“

j“ and so these young, endearing charms j“

j“ will stay ever youthful in your arms j"

- Spokesmen for the national health insurance programme

vigorously upheld the principle of free love lottery tickets

for maladjusted and psycho-neurotic females.

A conservative motion to charge the recipients

of such tickets one-third the cost

was oven/vhelmingly defeated.

The presence of armed women in the vistors' gallery

contributed, it's believed, to the nature of the final vote.

And now for the lighter side of the news.

- Well, I've really done it this time, haven't I, Jennings?

- It would appear so, Mr. Allerton.

- I suppose there had to be two sexes,

but why in heaven's name did the other one have to be women?

Why couldn't it have been a plant or a mineral or something?

- I believe that the popular demand would be for women, sir.

Will there be anything else?

Good night, sir.

- Hi, smitty.

Just like "private lives," isn't it?

- What are you doing here?

- I had to get out of the house for a while.

Spring cleaning.

- Spring cleaning in October?

- A topsy turvy world, isn't it?

- How did you get into that suite?

- One of those coincidences that sometimes rivals fiction.

One of those and a large tip to the room clerk.

Silly thing to put here, isn't it?

A child could leap over it.

- It shall be raised and topped with iron spikes

and barbed wire.

- You're not at all pleased to find me here, are you?

- Did you think I would be?

- Do you blame me for your downfall?

Actually, you know, you did all the drinking

and the gambling.

- Do you remember that day on the boat

when I mentioned my passion for privacy,

and you jumped overboard?

Why don't you try it again, from here?

- Harsh words, smitty.

Would you really like to see me

crushed and broke non the cruel stones below?

- In a word, yes.

Look, why don't you go away?

Whatever it is they sent you here to get me to do,

go back and tell them it's perfectly all right, I'll do it.

I don't care anymore.

They can raffle me, they can rent me,

they can sell me, they can fly me from a flagpole.

I'm not a human being any longer, I'm a product,

I'm something they advertise like cheese.

- Is that really how you feel?

- Yes.

- If you could only believe me, I feel so sorry-

- your feelings, miss Dubois, or rather your lack of them,

hold no interest for me.

- All right, go.

- Goodbye.

- I didn't know you or what you were like,

and they told me this whole lottery idea

was your idea to begin with.

And remember, I did warn you against

drinking so much and going to gamble at the casino.

- Oh, now, wait a minute.

- Oh, go away, I've spent all my money on tickets.

739.

I'll go home and burn them.

And what's more, I hope you get won by a lady

with a beard, in a carnival.

- Oh, now, don't cry.

- Our lottery is now officially listed

by the UN-Hungarian activities committee

as a crypto-fascist wall street plot.

As a consequence, we are now selling tickets

at the rate of 1000 a day.

- Very good.

- It would undoubtedly appear to be a great success,

this lottery.

Of course, it is too soon to make an celebrations.

We have to keep in mind our overhead,

depreciation, sinking fund.

- Are we making money, yes or no?

- Yes.

- I speak of France, the country of francois villon,

of heloise, of abelard, and for Paris, the city of love.

We have driven even the state lottery to the wall.

Our business booms, it leaps, it reaches to the sky.

- Note that French business is good.

- Another matter, if you please.

Something has suddenly gone wrong

with all our other calculations and statistics.

Racing odds, football pools, receipts,

everything, all in a mess.

- Nonsense.

You've made a mistake.

- I made a mis...

See for yourself.

Not even two and two is added up correctly.

Here, according to these figures,

we would have to pay the winner

of the 2:00 race yesterday 48,000 to one.

Here, on this football pool, she has

multiplied instead of subtracting.

This one here, divided instead of adding.

And, instead of adding casino receipts,

she has subtracted the stock market value.

- Hello, Jane.

What is my little wizard studying so intently?

Of course, if you are studying bridal costumes,

our statistics must suffer.

- It was bound to happen, I suppose.

Mathematics is fine, up to a point.

But when a real cold night comes along,

even the binomial theorem lacks something.

- Of course, of course, it's human nature, but-

- I was going to tell you.

You see, Rex and i-

- yes, why?

- The wet-lipped young man on the films?

- He hasn't got wet lips.

- So you have decided to win him without a ticket?

Do you remember what you said,

"the man with the silly face?"

- I've never said anything so idiotic.

- Oh, this is nonsense.

Rex allerton is contracted to the love lottery,

and you were a party to the contract, as my employee.

- How could you ever think of such a scheme?

It's an outrage against all decency.

It's making a mockery of marriage, of love,

of everything that matters.

- It's a living.

Isn't that what you said to him about your work?

- I am through with that.

I'm going to marry Rex and you can't stop us.

What can you do?

Take us to court for a breach of contract?

Fine, we'll go to prison.

A prison with married quarters.

- Jane.

There is such a thing, my dear, as the law of the jungle.

Rex is already engaged to 179,000 women,

and at the present rate of sales, by your own calculations,

to another few thousand every hour.

Why should I bother myself with the law?

- It is plain that this actor is doing the double—cross.

I am an expert in these matters.

In my country, we have a saying.

A partner who double—crosses his partner is not a partner.

Thank you.

- Before I pronounce them man and wife,

if there are anyone here who can say

there is any just impediment to this marriage,

let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

- I must agree with previous speaker.

In my country, China, when one partner disloyal,

other partners out little slices off till he loyal again.

Quick results.

- May I speak?

I told you so.

- Now we're three miles out, tell him

to marry us at once or I shoot.

- Is it safe?

- I've been married by captains at sea 10 times,

five major productions, three quickies,

and twice on television, I know what I'm doing.

Come on.

- Have you all finished?

The sale of tickets closed at 20 hours last night,

except in tremaggio.

Here we can sell them till 20 hours tonight.

Meeting dismissed.

Tonight, the picturesque town of tremaggio

becomes the focus of world attention.

Pilgrims of all nations are converging

on this lakeside mecca to be present

when Rex allerton learns who is to be his lucky dip bride.

I have just seen prince Boris and Princess Amelia

of tremaggio enter with Mr. Amico,

the president of the syndicate.

He is leading them down the aisle

to their places in the great hall-

- Please, sit down.

This is all extravagance with our money, I told him so.

Professor.

Rex allerton himself,

looking calm and composed, is sitting by the revolving drum

in which the romantic hopes of hundreds of thousands

of women are represented by many slips of paper.

- It will soon be over and done with, miss.

- This, as they say, is it.

- I hope you have the winning ticket.

- I have bought 1462.

Mr. Allerton has 8273 all in my name.

- I hope you won't mind, miss Jane,

but here is another 30, with my very best respects.

And I've taken the Liberty, a rabbit's foot, for luck.

- Oh, Jennings.

Thank you.

- And now Mr. Amico is on his feet.

He's helping prince Boris out of his chair

and escorting him to the centre of the stage.

Prince Boris has started up the steps toward the drum.

He's hesitating.

Prince Boris has turned round, he seems to be having

a word with Mr. Allerton.

- Do you know all your numbers, miss?

Then here's to it.

This is zero hour.

- I can't bear to look.

What's happening?

- The royal gentleman's looking for it, miss.

The royal gentleman's still fumbling for it, miss.

He's got it!

He's got it, he's got it, he's got it in his mouth.

And now, prince Boris has handed

the winning ticket to the committee.

The committee are examining it.

They seem to have given it their approval,

and it is being brought over to me now.

And here it is.

Ladies and gentlemen, the winning number is xk1432849.

I will repeat that number.

The winning number is xk143849.

- Not even close.

- What happened?

Where am I?

- You fainted, miss.

- You drew the winning number in the lottery,

and then when you heard the news, you fainted.

- Oh, I won a lottery.

The lottery!

- Yes, you won.

He's yours!

- "Restoratives were administered,

but each time she heard the news, she fainted again.

In the first eight hours, she was conscious

for only a total of 14 minutes."

She sounds quieter than some, sir.

- Or weaker-minded.

- Ah, well, sir.

Here comes the bride.

- You go and meet cinderella, I just can't face it.

- Mr. Allerton is waiting, miss.

I'll take you to him.

- Golly.

- Please don't faint, miss.

This way.

Miss Haines, sir.

- I'm Sally.

I had the ticket.

The winning ticket.

Yes, I know.

I have the sensation that I've seen you before.

- I've certainly seen you.

In the pictures.

Ever since I was old enough to go.

- Yes, of course.

Well, you got the ticket.

Anything you want to say, it's perfectly all right.

- Can I...

Can I have your autograph, please?

Imagine me going to a real ball.

- You look nice, Sally.

-Dol?

Thanks.

I had a bath with bubbles in it, like in the films.

- How was it?

- Sort of sticky, but awfully nice.

- That's good.

- And everywhere I went downstairs,

people kept asking me for my autograph.

Why should anybody want my autograph?

- Why would anybody want anybody's autograph?

- Oh, well, if somebody's important

like a film star or a prime minister.

- Or an axe murderer?

- I only go in for film stars.

Don't really know why.

I suppose it's sort of wanting to have something

that belongs to someone you admire.

You think it's silly, don't you?

- No, I think I'm just beginning to understand it.

- I waited outside the palace cinema once

for about three hours, it was snowing too,

just to see Teresa torrent and Rodney delman

after a premiere.

It was terrific!

- Just for a glimpse of them?

- Oh, they never appeared at all.

But it was terrific waiting.

That was the night I kicked a girl

because she said you wore a toupee.

She was bigger than I was, too, and...

- Well, go on, pull it.

- Oh, no.

- Go ahead, after all, you fought for it.

- I'm glad.

- Now, Sally, listen carefully.

The moment the car stops, I'll get out first,

then you, then Jennings.

Stay in between us and don't stop, not for anything.

- Oh, my shoe!

- Rex! Rex! Rex! - Rex! Rex! Rex! Rex! Rex! Rex!

- Look at me.

No, don't look at me.

I can't go to the ball looking like this.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Sally.

You'll just have to learn to keep moving, that's all.

They can't get at you so easily.

It gives you a chance to sprint and get away.

- I'll speak to someone at the hotel, miss.

Perhaps they can send a dress over for you.

- No, take me home, please.

- Your cocoa, miss.

- Thank you, sir.

At home, I nearly always have cocoa last thing at night.

Mum says it's good for me.

Besides, I like it.

Is it always the way it was tonight?

- Yes, quite a lot of the time.

It's fans, you know.

- But that's silly.

I'm a terrific fan myself.

But if you're somebody's fan, that means you like him.

Why should you want to hurt him?

- I think some of them get a little over—enthusiastic.

- It was awful, I was scared stiff.

- Yes, I know.

I'm sorry about the ball, Sally,

I know how much you were looking forward to that.

- Oh, that's all right.

You know, it's awfully funny, you're not one bit

like you are on the screen.

- I suppose the screen Rex allerton

would have picked you up in his arms

and scampered up the draperies

and deposited you in the ballroom.

As a matter of fact, when that mob closed in,

I was just as frightened as you were.

- I know.

I'm glad.

You're quiet and gentle, aren't you?

Like Ralph.

- Ralph?

- A boy in London.

He's in love with me.

But what I meant about you being different

was the way you live.

I read an article that once said

you slept in a bed that belonged to bluebeard,

and an item in a column that said

you were the son of an Italian bandit chief.

- Oh, my father was a dentist.

- Just like Ralph's.

It's all so different, isn't it?

Or all the same.

- I suppose so.

I'm sorry.

I never had a day when so much happened before.

What did happen?

We really didn't go anywhere at all, did we?

- No, but we will, Sally.

I've got some disguises, and sometimes

they work pretty well.

- That's it.

Where the light is burning on the seventh floor.

The one with the balcony.

Now, you can climb up by the vines,

then by the drain pipe, and then by the fire escape.

- Oh, but couldn't I use the stair or the lift?

- To compete with Rex allerton?

- Is that the way he goes in and out?

- Did you ever see a film star using the stair or a lift

when the drain pipe is handy?

Well, I...

- Ralph griggs.

You do love Sally, don't you?

- Here, hold my coat.

- Come along, Sally.

Finish up your cocoa.

We'll have you tucked away in your room in no time.

- Thank you.

You're being awfully kind.

When I said before that you were different,

I didn't mean that you weren't nice.

- Thank you.

- All this must be awful for you.

- You're a sweet and very dear girl, Sally.

- Ralph!

How on earth did you get out there?

- I climbed up from the street.

Six floors up a vine and a drain pipe.

- Now look here.

- You keep out of this, this is between me and Sally.

Sally, I've just got to talk to you.

I know it's hopeless, but I've got to.

Sally, I love you, and, what's that you're wearing?

- It's his.

- Well, what are you doing in it?

- It's perfectly all right, we had a little scuffle

and her dress got torn off.

- Ralph!

Stop it, oh!

Oh, Ralph!

Stop it, he didn't tear my dress off-

- I don't care who tore your dress, it's his fault!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, you beast, you brute, oh!

Brute, oh!

- Ooh, ow!

- Oh, Ralph, speak to me.

Say you forgive me, oh!

Well don't just sit there, get a doctor!

- Don't stand about, Jennings, get a doctor.

- Oh, Ralph, speak to me.

- Well, the young gentleman seems all right, sir.

- Well, don't just stand there, get a minister.

- Two ministers.

Hiya, smitty.

- Why, the idea of you climbing up vines and drain pipes.

- I wanted to behave like a film star.

Like him.

I still do.

- Sir, I'm not a curiosity seeker or an autograph hunter.

Permit me.

I am Andre amico, chairman of the syndicate.