All language subtitles for The.Great.S03E03.720p.WEB.h264-ETHEL

- Did they fuck?

Disappointing.

- What the fuck am I doing?
What the fuck am I doing?

What the fuck am I doing,
what the fuck am I doing,

what the fuck am I doing?

What the fuck am I doing?
What the fuck am I doing...

- I'm assuming
the question's rhetorical, but if not,

you're pacing and muttering insanely.

- What the fuck am I doing today?

- Today, you will give
a voice to the voiceless.

One should never listen to one's subjects.
Who knows what they'll say?

- I'm interested
in what they have to say.

- You're not. It's a trick
you've played upon yourself

after that American
with his rat coat and his rat cock

and his rat cunning whispered
"We the people" in your pussy.

- These are my fucking beliefs,
and I will bring the people with me,

and to do that, I must listen to them,
hear them, respect them--

- Catherine.
Lie to them, to yourself, but not to me.

The only time a leader
should listen to his subjects

is when they're screaming
whilst being tortured,

chanting your name in adulation,

or whispering your name gratefully
as you eat their pussy.

- You're very helpful.
- Hmm. As always.

- Sarcasm.
- I didn't read it so.

Abandon the conference.

- I have peasants, merchants, nobles,

representing every region of Russia
gathered together.

I cannot abandon...

just because it might be
a miserable failure that destroys me.

- You're the empress.

You say, "I changed my mind.

Instead, we're all going beaver hunting."

- You're the worst leader imaginable.

- Spoken like someone
who's never seen the joy and camaraderie

engendered by beaver hunting.

Hmm?

It will be fine.

- Oh, I'm glad I didn't kill you.

- A sentiment I share.
- God, I'm actually fucking excited.

It's the greatest day of my reign.

- You're mad.

- Which we have now
established is good.

- The Nakaz: Ideas and Thoughts
for the Conference

of a New Legal Code and Approach

to the Administration
of a New Russia.

Well, that's a catchy title.
- I think so too.

- Sarcasm.
- Oh. I didn't read it so.

What is it?

- A list of some things
I wished to do during my reign.

You can add them to your goals.

- Ah!

"A monkey for every village."

"Rename raspberries Peterberries."

"All animals should be carpaccio'd

and the best tasting
made the national dish."

Visionary.

- Why are you two never making
a baby when I walk in unannounced?

It's really grinding my nerves.

- Ready for our greatest day?
- Oh!

Gosh.
- Are you all right?

- Back in Peter the Great's
old apartments.

It is, uh...
- Yes, our new home.

We're to have drinks tonight
to celebrate.

- Oh, I get this rush of memory.

Being taken against that wall.

Oh, on all fours on this rug.

- Oh fuck.
Oh!

Oh, you replaced the bed.

Good idea after what we did
to the old one.

- We really don't need to do--
- Oh, and right here.

Being held aloft on his face,

as he drove his tongue...

- Are you...
- Cumming?

- Hyper...

ventilating!

Ohh!

- Looks better.

Maggots. A wonderful fusion
of nature as science.

Also tasty on toast
when paired with foie gras.

- My right arm is paralyzed

since I started drinking
this solution you gave me.

- Oh, shit.

I've got to start labeling these.

It's the wrong one, sorry.

It'll pass.
- When?

- Well, the human body is a mystery,
so I can't give you a when.

- Yet you can give me
something to paralyze me.

- Well, medicine is art, not science.

- Yet you keep calling it science.

- What the fuck is she playing at?

There's peasants here.
Fuckin' peasants.

- You don't think it exciting?

Gathering representatives
from all classes, all regions.

Something giddying about it.

- No, I don't.
I think it's fucking madness.

Because change is never good
for the nobles.

Never.

Jesus Christ.

Fucking Simitz!

He's in the courtyard!

- What...?

- Uh...

- The equality of the citizen consists
in that they should all be subject

to the same laws.

- Hmm. Peasants!

Ah, welcome to the future.

I hope you have enjoyed
the readings from the Nakaz.

I am so excited to have you here,

gathered from all over
to bring the peasants' experience

to make this new Russia.

So, let your voice be heard
for the first time

and give full throttle to it!

A great day beckons.

See you in there.

- Who was that?
- Don't know.

- They're going to kill us, aren't they?

- Not if we do as we're told.

- They might do it just for fun.

- At least we got to see the palace.

- A big day, Empress.

- Indeed, Archie.

- Shall I speak to the peasants,
tell them God's on your side?

- I have done it, and counseled them
to give free and full voice

to their thoughts and desires.

I wish to hear them pure.

- Interesting strategy.

- Might I suggest, speaking of strategy,

today the "when"
is more important than the "what"?

- Understood.
- Something easy.

- When this is done in a few months,
they will return to their regions

feeling that they have a stake
in this new Russia,

that they have had a hand in it.

And then change.

- Hey, you have three nipples.

- Royal blood, thins at the top.

- I have six toes.

- Fantastic!

- Your wife's making history today.

- Hmm. Mad.

- Fucking mad.
I'm so glad you can see that.

- Of course, listening to the people?
Madness.

- It is.
- It's what you did, right?

- Yep.

My legacy, fuck me...

is "the man who lost Sweden."

Yours is "the man who lost Russia
to the woman who lost Russia."

It's just an opinion, don't flare
your eyes like you're going to stab me.

What else did you do?
Our reign was short.

- No beards. But she turned that around.

And I was building a giant church bell,
the biggest in Europe.

But we... we didn't...

finish it, and, uh...

- Maybe we did so little, we won't even be
the tragic footnote we look like.

- Hugo, shut up about that, I don't care.
I have other interests.

My wife, my child.

Why these horses won't fuck.

Grigor, where the fuck have you been?
I had branches and sent a message.

- I was--
- Hugo stepped into the breach.

- To the reliability of kings.
- Hmm.

- They fucked yet?
- They have not.

And it's very dispiriting.

I'm to create a European superhorse,
my own breed.

- It's weird being back
in Peter the Great's apartments.

- It seemed the best space,

and it's customary
for the emperor to live in.

I just didn't want to
when I was emperor,

but Catherine and I need our own space.

- Hard not to feel him here,

booming voice shaking everyone
with laughter and fear.

Us cowering in the corner.

- Grigor, step back.

Take it from me, we kings
don't like to talk of our fathers.

It hurts our stomachs
and makes our eyes itch.

- So true.

Look at this fucking horse,
he's not even fucking hard.

We have soft music
and candlelight.

I thought they'd like
the privacy of indoors,

but no luck.

One of you should get him hard.

- How would we do that?

- A firm hand and a friendly eye.

- I would love to, but I have small hands
that cramp up with motion, so...

- Oh, well, Grigor,
you're the man for the job.

- Fluff the horse?

- Grigor, Grigor, Grigor, Grigor!

Grigor, Grigor, Grigor,
Grigor, Grigor, Grigor, Grigor, Grigor...

- Fucking Simitz is here.

- What?
- At court?

- Thinks you're dead.

Out in the regions,
some people think you're dead.

- I'm not.

- Who's Simitz?

- Long story, only known
by his lifelong friends.

- Here is the day,
the promise delivered.

I bow before you.

Oh, you smell magnificent.

Like you have rolled around
in some freshly cut grass and...

...douched with half a peach.

- Thank you, Voltaire.
I have not done any of those things.

- A shame.

- Orlo would be proud.

- Thank you. I have thought
of him much this day.

- He would have loved it.

He believed in you
for quite a long time until he stopped.

- I came to say good luck.

- Thank you. It is...

- A massive, pointless,
self-aggrandizing, fucking book club.

You're in your element.

- I guess you stopped trying
to make up, then?

- Indeed, Empress.

I have, on account of me being
right about all of it

and you being a bitch about all of it.

- I think they're almost ready.

What a joy it is to see this.

Nobles, merchants, and peasants
all gathered together.

Welcome to the Nakaz.

We are here to do the historic,
and also fun, job

of remaking Russia.

Open your hearts, clear your throats,
let us have at it.

- Can the peasants
not look us in the eye?

- Smolny, sit!

- Where to begin
on this incredible day?

Let's go boldly.

- Oh, dear.
- Indeed.

- Who here has had
someone they love murdered?

Felt that pain?

Or have killed, and felt that pain?

And known in their marrow
the damage they wrought to the soul

in the taking of another human life?

Today, we will outlaw murder.

- What the...
- Fuck?

- Huzzah!

- I am right beside you, as always.

- I will take that fucker's eyes
and then spend the next week

winking at them on my desk.

Huzzah!
- Fantastic. I'm here for you.

Some context would be great, though.

- He was going to the conference.

- Right.

- What are you doing?
- Fuck!

I cannot step on Catherine's thing.

- It will only interrupt them
for a minute.

- True, but maybe not.

Probably not a good idea

to fill the air with blood spray
when she's hoping for enlightened words.

Later. Fucking later!

You're a good husband.

- I try.

- You're going to kill him, though?
- Of course I am, Arkady.

Fuckin' weird question.

- Empress, with the deepest respect,
what the fuck are you talking about?

- The merchants echo Smolny

with a strong,
"What the fuck are you talking about?"

- Show some fucking respect,
shopkeeper!

- Velementov.

The threat of murder
underpins all contracts.

- The law will.

Sanctions, torture, imprisonment.

- And then they... fucking walk away?

- Bottom line: any cunt
can walk away from a deal.

This is fucking bullshit on a plate.

A power grab by the Empress,
dressed up as, as...

Of course, interesting
and worth discussing, respectfully.

Hmm.
- Indeed.

The cost is our point.

- We will not know what it costs us
until we are freed from it.

- I have a question.

Hypothetically speaking, say I stab
someone five times in the back

but he doesn't die.

We're all good with that, right?

- Once Igor put seven mole rats in a bag,

took them out of the field
where they were playing blissfully,

but suddenly at close quarters,
a trapped distrust grew between them,

and in the morning, six were dead
and one looked bewildered

and sad at what he'd done.

This is us.

- Well, that's a weird fucking story.

- Killing has become an easy answer

to questions we cannot be bothered
to answer in any other way.

This will force us to search

and will elevate our souls and spirits
when we find those answers.

- Don't be fucking animals anymore,
is the point. Simple.

- That fucking peasant looked at me again!

- Smolny, sit the fuck down

or I'll put a hole in you!

- Over a fucking peasant?

Really, Velementov.
Take a good hard look at yourself.

- Is anyone else getting the irony?

- Peasants, I would love to hear from you.

- The peasants, clearly they have
everything to fucking gain.

This is an attack on the nobles' rights,
as we have the right to kill anyone.

We know what they're going to say.

- Raskolvy, sit down.

- Um, I'm sorry, I thought
we were here to be heard.

I'm a bit confused.

- Peasants, please, speak.

- We...

We...
- You may speak.

Weigh your words well.

- I just said they could speak.

Thank you.

We like murder.

- Good peasant. Bravo.

- Yes. We believe
the current situation is adequate.

- When nobles can kill you with impunity?

- Yes, as the God almighty wills it.

- He also says "Thou shalt not kill."
- You don't believe in God.

- Doesn't mean he's always wrong.

- Can you kill us?

- Me?

I'm not--
- The state?

- Of course, we fucking can.
It's not on the table.

Kill everyone in the room
if we feel like it.

- But we won't!

- Quiet the fuck down!

- Well, will the state kill?

- Yes, the state must reserve
the right to...

- What the? This is ludicrous!

- We should live free
of the state deciding our lives.

- Freedom from tyranny!

- I'm not fucking tyranny!

- Figure of speech, Empress!

I'm completely with you on this,
I just got a bit swept up.

- Will we get a vote?

- Vote! Vote! Vote!

- We must be behind our Empress,
we must back her,

as she is heaven sent to...

change you fucking animals into biped...

Oh, God...

- Clearly time for an adjournment.

Call Vinodel to help her.

- Bravo! Bravo!

This is so much better
than I'd hoped for!

Ahhh!

Whenever I get the need to kill
and it is stymied,

I get this fucking headache

that only ice-cold water
will stave off.

- Your blood won't still
until his does spill.

- Ooh, fucking good, Arkady.

I need to eat something bloody.

Tell the chef to grill me a pheasant, raw,
as if it had just been shot.

- Love to hear the story on this guy.

- You should be concentrating on getting
our fucking horse hard, Hugo!

- Hey, hey. Yelling?
Come on, hug Hugo.

- I don't want to hug.
- He's not hugging you.

- I don't want to...

Come on.

You will spill his blood soon
and will be at peace

in your big old heart
and your fizzing veins.

- Exactly! You're right, Hugo.

'Tis a good day.
He is back and I get to kill him.

- Cup half full.
- Of his blood.

- Fantastic!

- Why are they doing that?

- Ah-choo!
- Ugh!

Great!
- Right, okay, great.

Let's get this horse hard!

Someone get me a glove!

- Grigor, Grigor!

Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!

Yeah!

- Well, that was close
to going horribly wrong.

- Toes on the precipice, for certain.

- Saved by Georgina of all people.

- No murder? You did come out strong.

- Attacked our greatest
and most loved pastime.

- I had to go bold.

- You are you.

- Exactly.
But I have to win the first one.

Can we claw it back?

Or should I say,
"Hey, let's all go beaver hunting"?

- Would let us reset.
- A retreat would look like a loss.

- God, I can't believe
the peasants are against it. Fuck!

- And almost everyone else.

- The peasants have never
crossed the nobles

without ending up at their own funeral.

They'll follow their lead
unless unpicked from their fear.

Perhaps I can help with that.

- I want them to speak freely, Archie,
that's why they're here.

- And we also want to win.

- Yes. And that.
And that's why I now have you two.

Go forth and be persuasive.

- What were you doing in there?

- Drunk.

Sorry.
- You're always drunk.

No, it's something else.

- i...

I cough a small amount up each day.

Who knows how much is left inside?

Probably a lot.

Fucking hell of an autopsy that'll be.

You should go.

But don't wear white.

- Did you see Vinodel?

- I know what it is...

and I know what it means.

- No. No...

I won't allow it.
- Oh.

Well...

take a vote on it.

Actually, I've made a few enemies...

so maybe don't.

- You should take time away
from your duties.

Rest.
- No, no, bad idea.

All I have is my duties.

Please.

I'd beg on my knees, but I'd never get up.

- Okay, but...

- Vanilla.

You smell of...
- Don't make it weird.

- And your breasts

are like firm translucent apples.

- Fucker.

Just... less booze, perhaps.

- I'll pull it together, I promise.

- And see Vinodel.

- Catherine.

Between you and me.

- Darling?

- I found this in the hall.

- Fuckers!

- As well as various pages
used to wipe various arses.

"No murder" may not have been
the most savvy move for day one.

- No murder? That was your--

- I wanted something bold,

that spoke of my ambition,
of our capacity to rewrite ourselves.

- You would not be you if you did not.

- Thank you for saying it
like it is a compliment.

- It is.

You always have my list to fall back on.

- Kind.

I will persevere.

I must turn my airy ideas into steel...

and will.

I will win.

I am me, I will pull this off.

- Small thing.
I have to kill someone tonight.

- What?
- Yeah, I vowed to kill him years ago.

He disappeared, the coward,
and now he has come back.

- I am trying to outlaw murder.

- I apologize for the timing,
but the cunt is dead,

so if you aim to come in now
with argument in your heart and mouth

rather than love and support
for your husband's needs, do not.

- Have you not been listening?!

I am out there,
risking my rule on an idea.

- A stupid idea.
- A beautiful idea!

You will not kill him.

- I will.

No murder?
How are we to settle grievances?

- I have a range of options:

imprisonment, torture,
garnishing of land and wages!

Many ways.

- They seem dull.

Also, if you were a curious wife,

interested in the emotional life
of one's husband,

you might ask, "Why, dear one?"

- I don't care why. There is no why!

- He used to trip me.

- What?
- In front of my father, he would trip me.

They were close friends,
and in this room,

when Grigor and I
would come to see Father,

as we walked towards him,
he would find a way to trip one of us...

- Trip you?
- ...and then...

- Are you fucking kidding?

Well, fuck, behead him immediately.

There is a woman in the salon

whose breath was bad and blew it my way,
I shall kill her too!

- She could just take some
peppermint lozenges,

but you should
set your boundaries as you wish.

- My head is going to explode.

- And then after he would trip us--
- Oh!

Is this tragic story still going?
Let me pull up a chair.

- Father would laugh, and Simitz
would say, "I might fuck them."

And he would jump on us, pin us,
and pretend to fuck us

as he banged our heads
into the floor and hard humped.

We... we struggled
and Father roared with laughter and...

- What?

- And sometimes he would cum.

- Jesus.

- Ooh!

I could not go against him,
because Father...

well, he preferred him and...

I was 12.

- Peter.

- When my father died,
my first thought was...

Well, my first thought was, "Daddy's gone,
I don't know how to live, how to be."

But my second was, "Get Simitz,

cut his cock and hands off,
scoop out his eyes, barbecue them,

kick his face to a pulp,
flay his torso and salt his raw flesh."

The order of that may be wrong.

- My darling.

- I have to kill him, Catherine.

- Because you think
it will take your pain away?

- Mm. It will.

- When I killed you, or thought I had,
it did not take my pain away.

- But you loved me more than you hated me.

- I will not let you do this.

- You're worried I'll embarrass you
at your conference?

A good leader doesn't give a fuck about
the thoughts of his subjects, foreigners,

or anyone other than
what is in his own heart.

- Your guests have arrived.

- Of course, Lev, just a moment.

Remember, there is only now,
and now is us,

fizzing drinks and fucking horses.

Mm.

- I will join you presently.

- I have the sorest hand, and to no avail.

Very stubborn, very flaccid horse.

Hi. You will not believe--

- Stop!
- What?

- Whatever you were going to say.

We are going to pretend
that nothing exists but us.

We're going to the lake,

we're going to swim
naked in the moonlight,

make love in the moonlight,
and feast in the moonlight.

Doesn't have to be in that order.

If you're hungry, we can work backwards.

- Fucking Hugo.

That guy is a poison in the system,
and I know it, and he knows I know it,

and I have known Peter
and loved Peter--

- Oh, fuck Peter!

Fuck her. What about us?

Are our lives lived at their whim?

- Is that a rhetorical question?

- Is there any possibility
we can leave them behind tonight?

- I have to go to be there for Peter.

- No, you don't! She doesn't!

Actually, no one does.

I do.

- I could listen to this all night.

- What do you want?

- My husband and I are required
at Catherine and Peter's party.

- No one buys your
"I love Catherine" show, Georgina.

- I mean, her pussy must taste
like bitter fruit, Grigor.

- Fair warning,
I am going to punch you in the face.

- Marial! George, shut up!

- Grigor? Are we going?

- i...

- It's sort of tense,

but we all know who he's choosing,
and it's not either of us.

- Just go.

- I love you.
- I hate you.

- I'll come as soon
as I crush Hugo in front of Peter.

And depending on how
Peter's feeling about the Simitz thing.

- And depending if there's crème brûlée
for dessert or George needs fingering.

- I do need fingering, actually.

- I love you.

Bye.

- Grigor.

Simitz.

Kill the cunt.

- We will.

- Hello. They got you. Great.

- Empress!

I have wronged your husband,

but my three years lost in the desert
have led to my enlightenment.

I deserve to die,
but hearing you speak today,

I know that a new Russia is born.

I, and the eight nobles
I bring from Vladivostok region,

are in lockstep with you.

- My husband wants to kill you.

- You mustn't let him.

How would that look?!

- Yes, obviously pretty fucking bad.

Still, I have much sympathy
for his position.

We must find a way to satisfy his rage.

- I am at your whim.

- Glad you understand that.

All right. Come. Let's go.

- You're not taking me to him?

- I am.

- Uh...

I think that is a very bad idea.

- And I do not, so return
to the "I am at your whim" statement.

- You want a drink?

You look like you need a drink.

- Too agitated.

Until I kill this fucking guy.

- Peter! Son of Peter the Great!

I beseech your forgiveness.

- Bring me a fucking blunt butter knife.
I want this to be slow.

A fucking knife!

- I hurt you. I know I did.

I'm so sorry.
Can you ever forgive me?

- No!
- Kill me if you must.

- I will and I must.

I'll get my own fucking knife!

Terrible service!

Empress!
- Peter.

- Catherine, step aside.

- Let it go.
It will not take the pain away.

- Why don't I kill him
and then I will tell you if it does? Hmm?

If it doesn't, you were right,
and if it does, I was right.

A real experiment
in the emotional life of humans.

Science.
- Nobles of the court!

In a moment,
this man's blood will gush

and my husband will have
blackened his soul and ours with it.

- Huzzah!
- Shut the fuck up.

- And you will all be reassured
that we are all alone

and living at the whim
of each other's pain and madness,

that any moment could be your last,

that there is no rhyme
or reason to our lives.

This is the Russia I try to leave behind.

For all of us.

The floor is yours, husband!

- Hmm. Well, you've really taken
the fun out of this moment.

I'm really sorry.

It just made your father laugh,
and I was always so fucking terrif--

- Shut up!

- I'm begging you.

For us.

- To Catherine the Great!

Huzzah!

- And to Peter the Third!

Huzzah!

- Keep the fuck away from me.

- Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.

- You best fuck off, sir, and quickly.

- I need a drink. Grigor?

Where are you? A drink.

- Champagne cocktail, vodka shooter,

followed by a spritzy little
crème de menthe thing
I've been toying with.

I mean, where the fuck is Grigor?

Fucking servants.
Never there when you need them.

- Fuck!

- Oh, the spritzy one is cheering.
- Isn't it?

- You piqued my interest.

So silent and still, and yet...

something.

- I like to listen.
- As do I.

You're a very rich, very busy man,

and you elected to come
to the Nakaz for two months.

- I'm a patriot.

- Oh! So strange how one gets a shiver
up the spine when people say that.

- I serve Russia.

- Well, she is Russia.

- Hmm.

She wants to hear our voice, apparently.

- Indeed. She wants to hear your voice
hearing her and yelling "Huzzah!"

- Well, she's opened the door
to something else.

We will have a say in Russia.
Finally.

No murder. Hmm?

Insane.

- Is your arm numb?

- It is a little, actually.

- I poisoned your tea.

Which explains the arm
and possibly the lightheadedness.

The chest pain?

It's a kind of yellow flower essence.

You smell it, you faint.

You drink it, well, your kidneys die,
and you shortly after.

No murder.

How are you feeling about it?

- I am but one man--
- Who holds the merchants in his hand.

One bite and in half an hour,
you will be fine.

- A snake?

- Nature.

All the questions and all the answers
in a delightfully chaotic form.

There'll be some throwing up shortly.

Try to answer before you black out.

Let me know when
you've made your decision.

- Yes. Yes. Fine.
You have my word.

- It is known merchants
are not always true to their word.

Oh, I would hate for this to happen again.

- Me too.

- My snake will only bite you once.

You know Peter the Great's family.
We don't give second chances.

- Yes, very well understood.

- A great relief.

Now... let's cure you.

Thigh or armpit?

- Do you want us to undress?

- Undress?

- To be killed.
So we don't ruin the shirts.

- The Empress does not wish to kill you.
You are spared.

Oh?
Whew!

- Relief floods your faces.

And yet you seemed opposed
to the Empress' anti-murder bill.

Why?

- We think she is a witch.

Her nose is small
and her skin too white.

- She has a mole on her neck,
a hole where the devil gets in.

Sent to test us against our masters
to lead us into temptation.

It's a trick.

Say we hate murder,
and then the nobles murder us.

- She is changing Russia.

- She was not picked by God.

- Oh, so you do remember Him, then?

God?

Because the way you've been acting,

you'd think it was the nobles
who you pray to.

- She's not freeing us, is she?

They'll still own us,
even if they can't kill us.

At least when you can get murdered,
you know it might end.

- An optimistic spin on things.

Allow me to just unpick this present fear

that you have stitched yourselves to.

Eternal damnation.

You familiar with it?

I'll just do a quick recap for you
while we're all here.

If you go against my wishes on this,

if you go against the Empress,
whom God has kept in power

since she rose to the occasion,

you will be cast down
to the depths of Hell.

White-hot waves of searing hellfire

will crash over your body

and pour into your lungs

so that you boil alive
from the inside out.

Locusts will crawl
up and into every orifice

and wriggle through your mind,

scratching behind your eyes.

There will be no end.

There will be no beginning.

There will only be suffering,

as a knife slices at your Achilles' heel

and a red-hot poker is rammed

up your arsehole on the hour,

every hour, until...

Oh, wait, there is no "until,"

because it will never end.

There is no time in Hell.

I might be wrong.

Some of you might not get the poker thing,

but best to be prepared for everything.

Or, you can do as He wishes

and side with the Empress,

as she does God's work
for the good of Russia.

Your choice.

Either way,

He will know,

because He

knows

everything.

- You look handsome.

- Don't.
- And me?

- A real vision.
- Thought so.

You can still screw me, you know?

You should still screw me.
We are married.

- I'm with Marial. I love her.

- I still screwed you
when I screwed Peter.

- Often in front of me.

- Exactly, as I wanted you
to feel we were in it together.

Ohhh!

- Husband.
- Witch.

- Thank you.

- Sometimes it is hard to be married,
and then when we dance...

- It is easy.

- Indeed.

- Honestly, don't you feel better

for not having blood on your hands
and soul tonight?

- Hmm. I do have a kind of peace
about it, to be honest.

- Because for now...?

- I'm happy.

- Exactly.

- Empress, I just wanted to say,

I saw you in trouble
and I just felt like a way out was needed.

But I was giddy anyway
from your boldness.

- You faked the fit.

- I thought I was very convincing.

- You are a good liar, it seems.

Thank you.

- I don't need you to trust me
or be friends with me.

In time, you'll see I'm there
for you, for Russia.

And in my heart,
I'll know I made a difference,

and that is all I want.

- Right.

- Kings!
- Kings!

Hooch!

- Oh, for fuck's sake.

- What?
- Look, I need a fucking favor.

- Of course.

We have put each other's lemon tops in.

- Could you get me
some medicine from Vinodel?

It's not for me.

- Who for?

- It might be fun
for you to meet, actually.

- I still don't understand.
You didn't kill him.

- You weren't here.
- You really weren't.

You were very not here.

- It is a lot to get
one's head around... Simitz.

- Yes, I know, but I decided it was
good husbanding to not kill him.

- Happy wife, happy life. Huzzah!

- Why are you in this conversation,
you crownless blond eunuch fuckhead?

Brrr!

- It's the warmth with which I've been
embraced that I love here.

Simple answer, because kings get kings,
over-rouged peasant woman.

- Peter, we will still kill him?

- I don't know.

Maybe she's right
and it doesn't matter,

blood spilt now
doesn't make the past disappear.

- The fuck it doesn't.

- Agreed! Revenge must be taken!

- Can we just focus on the horse? Okay?

I need you to help me get the horse hard
to fuck the other horse

to create a new superhorse
that I will gift my son,

and no one is doing it!

- I could stare at it, that usually works.

- I'll fix it, Peter. Trust me.

I need all our aphrodisiac.
For the horse.

- And how will you get hard?

- Agnes, it hangs in the fucking balance.
Have we got a plan or not?

- Yes.

And once again,
how will you get hard for me?

- I can do it, I promise,
when I'm relaxed!

Winning Peter will get me hard, trust me.

- Thought I smelled something nice.

- It's you.

That looks bad.

- Ah. Bit infected, it'll be fine.

Pugachev will outlive the cockroaches.

- I'm Marial.

- She'll steal some medicine
for your back,

and then I can go on top some nights.

- Oh, that would be nice, for intimacy.

- She stabbed you.

I wondered what had happened to you.

- You must be the only one.
Drink?

- Do you want to come to a conference
up there with me tomorrow?

- No, thanks. They'll probably
finish me off if they see me.

The fuckers.

- Fuckers they are.

- He's a fucking monster,
and she's as bad.

You want that drink?

- I have no plans.

- You need to watch Hugo.

- I am.

What's with
your "I love Catherine" game?

- No game, I truly believe
in what she's trying to do here.

As a woman,
she will change everything for us.

- Fuck.

That's good.

I almost can't tell if you're lying,

until I remember it's you,
and then I know you are.

- Peter has to kill Simitz.
- I know.

- He won't be able to live with it.

- I know.

We have to help him.

- Agreed.

We should fuck, don't you think?

- No. I don't.

- So cruel.

Makes you even more attractive.

- Can't sleep?

Can't sleep.

- Me neither.

Maybe it's a sign that we should fuck.

Not that we need a sign-- we're so good
at it that people should pay us to watch.

- That's funny, and true,
but alas, no fucking.

- Oh, go on. Why not?

- She's always there now, in my bones.
In my blood.

Would feel strange.
Would not fit.

- You can be two things at once, you know.

You can fuck me and love her,
and I can fuck you and be loyal to her.

It's not hard.

- Being at war with yourself is hard.

Even now, I look at you in that dress
and I remember the time

I fucked you so hard in it,
one of your earrings fell out and...

There's a slight pain in my chest.

- So give into it and get inside of me.

No one needs to know.

- I just don't want to. Not at all.

- Fuck me.

Everything I used to own
now belongs to someone else.

- Me too.

You're still the girl
I climbed a tree for.

- You're still the boy I kicked a dog for.

- I mean, he's got a skinful
of the finest Swedish slongful.

- Slongful?
- Just wait. Just wait.

Come on!

- Grigor! Ha!
I think Hugo has readied them.

- I have indeed.

Have you got anything, Grigor,
you want to offer up pointlessly?

- Fuck off?

- A sad way of saying,
"No, I don't have anything."

- Saw Simitz last night.

He was smirking when he walked past.

- He what?
- Smirking.

And he made a fucking sound.

- He fucking what?

- He's... he's doing it!

We need to do this.

We have a plan in play already.

- Fuck me, look at that.

- I can't keep dunking my head
in water, can I?

- Peter...
Peter, Peter, th-they're fucking!

- You definitely cannot.

- Oh-h-h-h-h!

And...

done!

- Amazing. Well done, Hugo.

Grigor, let's go.

- Uh, where are we going?

- It's a Russian thing.

- Thanks. Fuck off now, Hugo.

- I hate it here!

Fuck!

- Hello. What do we think?

- See for yourself.

Morning. Enjoy the day.

- So now they're scared of you
instead of the nobles?

- More God's wrath.

Being clubbed to death by nobles
is a light day

compared to eternal damnation.

- So they will not be speaking freely,
as you fucking terrified them.

- The merchants are yours.

- What did you do?
- Oh, details, details.

Suffice to say,
a new idea is in their blood.

- Right. I'll leave that alone.

But I fear no one believes anything.

- But they are certainly against murder.

That I saw in his eyes.
- We just played them.

- Are you saying,
"Well done and thank you very much"?

- How I heard it.
- Funny.

Okay.

The nobles are the unknown.

They make up two-thirds.
What do you think?

- I don't think.

I prefer to know,
and I know we don't know.

- So it is a risk to call
the vote to a head.

- Beaver hunting?

- Also, what if I win
and we walk out of here

and find my husband beheading Simitz?

Is that a win or a mockery?

- You think he will?

- I don't.

But it is all a risk.

- So?

- I love it when you're inscrutable,
makes things very dramatic.

- What a rousing discussion
we had yesterday.

Huzzah!

But it's time to move on
to the first issue I wish to proclaim on.

- "No murder," wasn't it?

Much to say on that.

- We will now move on.

That was a mere warm-up discussion.

We will discuss it properly later
as I analyze the thoughts raised. Huzzah!

Now, the first proclamation
of the Nakaz to be voted on,

an exciting moment for all of us.

I move that every village in Russia,

no matter how big or small, rich or poor,

will have their own monkey!

Oh...

- Adorable!

- Let us vote!

- Well, that should do.
- You thinking throat or heart?

- I'd always imagined eye
whenever I thought about it.

- Eye. Nice.
You see the startle close up.

- Exactly.

But...

what if I didn't kill him?

- It would make no sense.

- What if we just tied him to a tree,
tortured him,

let the animals fuck and ravage him,
and then come back each afternoon

for a month and just hurt him, then left?

- Seems time consuming.
- I suppose.

- She'll never know.
We'll see to that.

All marriages have secrets.

- Yours?
- No.

Actually, no.

Wish we did sometimes.

- Hello.

- I disappear,
your wife will know you did it.

- Now you don't have to lie.

- You are a friend.

But...

- You weren't the only ones
he fucked with back then.

- It's nice, the quiet after, isn't it?

- Oh... it's the best part.

- Sense of fucking peace is...

- Sublime.

- Congratulations.
- Marial, can you just not?

- Monkeys eat rats like bananas.

So it is the step forward we dreamed of

when we risked our lives
and planned the coup against your husband.

- Please go.

- I have something to say.

Oh, sorry, would you rather I not tell
the truth the moment I have it to hand?

Or are we not free to speak
our minds in your court?

- Speak it if you are confident
it is a mind worth revealing.

- Simitz wasn't there today.

You notice that?

You should go home.

It's been a big day.

No doubt your devoted husband
is running you a bath.

Bloodbath.

- It would be wittier
if I wasn't always ahead of you.

What a day.

- Yes. You won.

- I suppose.

- Well, every town has a monkey,
that is a win.

- You killed him?

- Grigor shot him.

- And you?

- You need to sleep.

I am not the child bride
who took this place.

I must be a different leader,
for Russia.

No more murder!

This is the Russia
I tried to leave behind.

- Well you've really taken the fun
out of this moment.

Peter has many talents.

Keep him busy so you can work.

- I'm to create
a European super-horse.

- Have they fucked yet?
- No.

One of you should get him hard.

- Fluff the horse?
- I would love to

but I have small hands
that cramp up with motion, so.

You do not share my desire
to transform this country.

Because it's bad.

- You do nothing but eat and hunt all day!

- Set yourself free in the forest,
and I will hunt and eat you all day.

Trying to lead a people...

out of a swamp of hundreds of years,
it's hard.

An uprising is building.

- This man is pretending to be Peter.

- And the people rise in violence for me?

- Yes.

Are you actually moved by that?
- They love me.

- Oh, Jesus Christ, that's not the point!

I am hated at court.

- You couldn't control her.
- Because I love her!

You should never have brought me
someone I would love.

Total mismanagement.

A royal marriage is a job.

Do the work or broken hearts,

shattered lives,
and blood all over the floor.

We're in a very dangerous place.

No escape for any of us.

- They came to destroy us.

Nothing would be the same.

Huzzah?

- Huzzah!