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0
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:18,476
- Sid!
- Hit me with a cold one, stat.
1
00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:21,813
TGIF, am I right, people? Hoo!
2
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,107
You've been working your new job,
what, five days?
3
00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:28,111
In a row, Sid. In a row.
4
00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:31,447
Oh, hey, that's Bob.
5
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:33,199
He teaches third grade at my school.
6
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,909
And that's Melanie. She teaches fifth.
7
00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:36,369
- What are the odds?
- Oh.
8
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,663
- Parker, the new gym teacher?
- And Drew?
9
00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:39,414
What's going on?
10
00:00:39,415 --> 00:00:41,666
I'm sure there's
a totally logical reason
11
00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:44,377
why all your coworkers
are hanging out without you.
12
00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:45,920
Ooh, maybe they're throwing you
13
00:00:45,921 --> 00:00:47,797
a surprise party!
Is it your birthday?
14
00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:49,298
No!
15
00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:52,176
Or is it? Wait.
Should I know your birthday?
16
00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:54,595
- Do you know mine?
- Today is not my birthday, okay?
17
00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:57,641
- And yours is...
- Okay! We all know each other's birthday!
18
00:00:58,684 --> 00:01:00,059
Let's not lose sight of the bigger issue.
19
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,186
What are all those teachers up to?
20
00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:03,689
I'm gonna go find out.
21
00:01:06,358 --> 00:01:08,568
Hey, hey! Everyone I work with.
22
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,069
Uh, how's it going?
23
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,113
Pretty bad now.
24
00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:13,114
What?
25
00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:15,408
J. Crew. What's up, buddy?
26
00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:18,245
Hey, man, why is the entire faculty
getting drinks without me?
27
00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:20,247
We're having an affair.
28
00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:23,749
- All of you?
- Yup.
29
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,835
We're just a bunch
of grade school teachers
30
00:01:25,836 --> 00:01:28,213
who like... doing orgies and stuff.
31
00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:32,175
Fine. We're here celebrating
Melanie's 35th.
32
00:01:32,176 --> 00:01:34,677
- What? What's going on?
- Do they not like me?
33
00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:36,680
- No, no.
- It's not that they don't like you.
34
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,224
It's that they actively hate you.
35
00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:41,559
Wh-Why?
36
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,271
- I'm sorry, dude. I can't tell you.
- They'd turn on me.
37
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,310
I should probably get back.
38
00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:49,817
Now, beat it, Jesse!
39
00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:51,945
Find some other bar to suck in!
40
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,324
Sorry.
41
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,704
Everyone I work with hates me.
42
00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:02,706
Yeah, we kinda figured that.
43
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,750
I don't get it. I'm a great colleague.
44
00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:07,877
I refill the Keurig every goddamn morning!
45
00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:09,838
Yeah, you do, you co-working prince!
46
00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,798
You know what? Who cares about them
and their stupid birthday party?
47
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:15,092
I've already got plans tonight anyway.
Big plans!
48
00:02:15,093 --> 00:02:17,678
Yeah! And don't let anyone
take those big plans
49
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:19,598
that sound totally real
away from you, Jesse.
50
00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:29,190
So, I was thinking
we could go to the movies tonight
51
00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:30,483
and sneak in our own food.
52
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:31,859
Let's challenge ourselves.
53
00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:34,279
Full rotisserie chicken. Do we dare?
54
00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:37,156
Sounds amazing, but tonight's no good.
55
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,325
I actually, uh, have a... thing.
56
00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:42,453
- Oh, really? Want me to come?
- I love a thing.
57
00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:45,623
Nah, it's just a dumb work thing.
58
00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,834
You'd hate it, so,
uh, I'll call you later?
59
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,378
Okay. Yeah.
60
00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,133
That was weird, right?
61
00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:57,718
She's been acting weird.
62
00:02:57,719 --> 00:03:00,137
Having "things" to do?
63
00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:02,890
Plus, she keeps answering the phone,
"Yes, this is she,"
64
00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:04,393
which is shady as hell!
65
00:03:05,394 --> 00:03:07,186
Do you think she's cheating on me?
66
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:08,688
- I mean, yeah, kinda.
- What?!
67
00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,648
- You asked! I just said yes!
- You're supposed to say no!
68
00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:11,816
- No.
- Too late!
69
00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:13,277
Oh...
70
00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:16,530
I think it's pretty clear
what this situation calls for.
71
00:03:17,614 --> 00:03:18,657
A stakeout.
72
00:03:19,575 --> 00:03:22,535
Sid, don't trivialize Ellen's
relationship issues
73
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,161
with some immature idea about...
74
00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:26,247
- I'm in.
- Yay! I wanna come, too.
75
00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:28,040
Are there gonna be snacks?
Also, I don't care,
76
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:31,211
but did you guys know that they
sell Red Vines in big tubs?
77
00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:38,093
Hi!
78
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,179
Why are you here in a suit?
79
00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:43,461
Because we have a reservation
tonight at Casa di Landon.
80
00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:45,266
What?
81
00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:47,059
The restaurant from
the 12-year-old prodigy
82
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,354
who won this year's season of
Big Kid Chef.
83
00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:52,983
One of these filets is for babies.
84
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:56,320
And the other one...
85
00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:58,655
is for big kids.
86
00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:00,908
Chef Landon.
87
00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:04,453
You are...
88
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,165
the Big Kid Chef!
89
00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:11,710
Yes!
90
00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:16,380
- Oh, my God!
- We made that reservation,
91
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,382
like, a million years ago...
92
00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:20,343
when we were together.
93
00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:21,719
We should cancel. I don't think
94
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,597
us going to a fancy dinner
together alone is a good idea.
95
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:25,682
Why not?
96
00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:28,434
We have finally found
our footing as friends.
97
00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,603
I don't wanna mess that up
with a one-on-one date
98
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:33,440
that will inevitably lead to S-E-X.
99
00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:36,943
- Why are you spelling it?
- The Big Kid Chef isn't around yet.
100
00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:38,694
Plus, the two of us
have hung out loads of times,
101
00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:41,114
one-on-one, without things getting sexy.
102
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,993
Okay, we haven't, but so what?
103
00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:47,912
Yeah, maybe you're right.
104
00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:49,997
Anyway, it's a restaurant
run by a 12-year-old boy.
105
00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:51,625
How romantic could it be?
106
00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:56,713
We're screwed.
107
00:04:58,090 --> 00:04:59,590
Where is she?
108
00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:00,591
Ah!
109
00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:02,343
- Seriously? You have, like, 900 of those.
- I know,
110
00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:04,887
and I don't know how long
the stakeout's going to last.
111
00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:06,848
- Ooh! Not very long.
- She's headed to the subway.
112
00:05:06,849 --> 00:05:07,849
- Hurry!
- What?
113
00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:09,100
- Oh!
- Too close!
114
00:05:09,101 --> 00:05:11,060
Oh! No! No!
115
00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:13,688
Ah!
116
00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:15,691
Sophie, there's no time.
117
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,316
Ah!
118
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:20,611
We jumped on a train,
and we followed Rachel to...
119
00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,114
Dun-dun-dun!
120
00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:24,032
New Jersey.
121
00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,409
How are my "dun-dun-duns"?
122
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,036
Pretty dramatic, huh?
123
00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:37,921
What the hell is she doing in
an apartment building in New Jersey?
124
00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:39,464
Wait.
125
00:05:40,591 --> 00:05:42,092
Is that Jesse?
126
00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:45,052
What is he doing in New Jersey?
127
00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:48,056
Ha! My gut says black market shampoo.
128
00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:50,641
Maybe he's getting his teeth stretched.
129
00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:51,560
What does that even mean?
130
00:05:51,561 --> 00:05:54,021
Wouldn't you like to know, short teeth.
131
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:56,731
Doesn't matter.
132
00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:59,276
Okay, we're here for Ellen.
133
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:05,239
Unless... Ellen wants one of us
to follow him to see what he's up to.
134
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:06,866
- Follow that man.
- Oh, thank God.
135
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,452
Okay, you guys, I will get down
to the bottom of this.
136
00:06:09,453 --> 00:06:10,871
Nothing's gonna stop me.
137
00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:15,626
Starting now!
138
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:26,636
Who do you think she's waiting for?
139
00:06:26,637 --> 00:06:28,971
No idea, but I know a guy,
if it comes down to it.
140
00:06:28,972 --> 00:06:30,431
Comes down to what?
141
00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:31,683
Couples counseling.
142
00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:37,481
What the... Who the hell is that?!
143
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:41,567
- Look at this broad.
- Real piece of work.
144
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:44,612
Arms. Legs. Head.
145
00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,532
Are you just naming body parts?
146
00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:49,075
Oh, my God...
147
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:50,493
They're going into that woman's apartment!
148
00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:52,912
- Oh...
- I can't believe this is happening.
149
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,247
Maybe they're just college friends.
150
00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:55,581
Meeting up to go have sex?
151
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,668
Yeah! No...
152
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:02,463
Okay... This place is very romantic.
153
00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:05,132
- Can we handle it?
- I can.
154
00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:08,011
In this soft, flickering candlelight,
you look...
155
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,931
pretty ugly.
156
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,266
Well, same with you!
157
00:07:13,267 --> 00:07:16,228
That perfect haircut makes
your cheekbones look...
158
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,438
dumb!
159
00:07:20,399 --> 00:07:23,068
- Fabulous.
- Then we are on the same page.
160
00:07:26,572 --> 00:07:29,867
- Evening.
- Compliments of Chef Landon.
161
00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:34,579
You call this a soufflé?!
How do you look at yourself in the mirror?
162
00:07:34,580 --> 00:07:36,081
Ugh!
163
00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:38,124
Sorry, one long noodle?
164
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,877
It's our signature stretched bucatini.
165
00:07:40,878 --> 00:07:44,506
Lady and the Tramp was a huge
culinary inspiration for Landon.
166
00:07:45,591 --> 00:07:47,466
Cool. Uh...
167
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,135
Can we get a-a knife to cut it?
168
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,470
Landon prefers you slurp the noodle
169
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,807
as it was originally consumed
by the animals in the film.
170
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:56,809
Right...
171
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,729
It's just we can't.
You see, we're, um,
172
00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:01,063
trying not to be intimate.
173
00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:02,940
Oh. I'm so sorry.
174
00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:04,525
I just assumed you were a couple.
175
00:08:04,526 --> 00:08:07,111
Oh, w-we were,
but we're not anymore.
176
00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:09,364
Long story short, he doesn't
wanna have kids, I do, so...
177
00:08:09,907 --> 00:08:11,574
My wife and I don't want kids.
178
00:08:11,575 --> 00:08:12,826
And we have three.
179
00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:20,626
Okay...
180
00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:24,004
- Mm, that's good.
- Yeah, that's good.
181
00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:27,132
Mm.
182
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,400
- We have to get out of here.
- Immediately.
183
00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,362
Alright!
184
00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:50,947
First up for tonight's open mic,
185
00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:53,408
we have... Jesse.
186
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,996
Hello, New Jersey!
187
00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:01,374
Uh, this is a little song
I like to call Left Out.
188
00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:04,460
You're gonna want
a double for this guy.
189
00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:06,796
Oh, no.
190
00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:09,423
Hey, where are my
Sugar Ray heads at, huh?
191
00:09:09,424 --> 00:09:11,426
Eh... Okay...
192
00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:22,479
I'm a teacher.
193
00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:30,903
Seriously, why?
194
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:33,531
Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing.
195
00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,199
I can't watch.
Tell me what's happening.
196
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,160
A guy is sucking.
197
00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:53,552
Maybe you could look first?
198
00:09:54,970 --> 00:09:57,096
'Cause what if they're, like, right there?
199
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,222
I think we'd hear them.
200
00:09:58,223 --> 00:09:59,641
Not the way Rachel does it.
201
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,904
- What do you think that is?
- Some kind of sex NDA?
202
00:10:12,905 --> 00:10:15,908
Makes sense. Rachel is very private
about how quiet she is.
203
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,204
This isn't a sex NDA.
It's a lease application!
204
00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:22,872
Rachel's not having an affair.
205
00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:24,165
She's looking for an apartment!
206
00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:26,209
And I followed her here,
across state lines.
207
00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:27,502
That's a federal crime.
208
00:10:27,503 --> 00:10:28,836
No, it's not.
209
00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:30,463
Yeah, okay, but it's definitely not hot.
210
00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:32,215
And that's the primary bedroom.
211
00:10:32,216 --> 00:10:35,510
- Oh, my God. Here they come!
- We gotta hide! The refrigerator?
212
00:10:35,511 --> 00:10:37,845
I'll suffocate to death, but at least
she won't find me for a while.
213
00:10:37,846 --> 00:10:40,326
- But then when she does, I'll be fresh.
- Okay, just get down.
214
00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:48,607
Now, this is starting to feel
like a federal crime.
215
00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:52,026
Again, terribly sorry.
216
00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:55,029
Your, uh, restaurant was just...
too romantic for us.
217
00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:57,824
I'm not your waiter anymore.
218
00:10:58,784 --> 00:11:01,286
Do you hear something?
219
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:08,752
It's coming from that cart.
220
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,262
It's him. It's the cooking boy.
221
00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:20,638
Oh. Okay.
222
00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:22,431
That's cool.
Should we call an Uber then?
223
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:26,395
Charlie. You can't just leave a child
crying under a tablecloth.
224
00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:29,730
Why not? It definitely feels
like a job for his parents.
225
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,733
Or, at the very least, his pastry chef.
226
00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:37,613
What's going on, Landon?
227
00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:39,532
I can't talk to you about it.
228
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,284
Well, we did try our best.
229
00:11:41,285 --> 00:11:42,952
See you later, little man.
230
00:11:42,953 --> 00:11:45,204
I can't talk to her about it.
231
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,623
I can talk to you.
232
00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:49,084
Oh...
233
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:52,462
Good luck, buddy. Tough crowd.
234
00:11:53,589 --> 00:11:55,464
Oh, my God.
Sophie, what are you doing here?
235
00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:57,758
Did you see me do my thing?
236
00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:00,095
Yeah. I saw it. I heard it.
237
00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:02,764
How do I forget it?
238
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:06,142
Look, it's this new outlet I found
239
00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:07,977
to work through negative emotions, okay?
240
00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:09,353
I mean, before, when I was feeling down,
241
00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:11,190
I'd go to the park at night
and just scream.
242
00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:14,942
God, men really will do anything
to avoid therapy.
243
00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:16,944
We sure will. Anyway, now,
244
00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:19,655
when I need to blow off steam,
I-I write a parody song,
245
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,616
and I-I come down to St. Freddie's pub,
246
00:12:21,617 --> 00:12:23,659
- and I belt out a song that...
- Wait!
247
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,495
- This is called St. Freddie's?
- Yeah. Why?
248
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:28,998
Melanie was wearing a jacket
from this bar.
249
00:12:28,999 --> 00:12:31,125
- That's Bob.
- He teaches third grade at my school.
250
00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:33,044
And that's Melanie.
She teaches fifth.
251
00:12:33,045 --> 00:12:35,755
I remember
because I was like, "cute jacket."
252
00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:36,923
Then she turned around,
253
00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:38,549
and there was this really
ripped leprechaun on it.
254
00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:41,260
And I was like, "Is it weird that
I'm attracted to that leprechaun?"
255
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,887
And then, I could not stop thinking about
256
00:12:42,888 --> 00:12:44,931
how long it had been since I had
a bowl of Lucky Charms...
257
00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:46,892
Sophie? What's your point?
258
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:48,893
Oh, my point is,
259
00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:52,230
is that Melanie must have
seen you do a song here,
260
00:12:52,231 --> 00:12:54,023
venting about all the teachers.
261
00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:56,400
She went and told them.
Now, they all hate you.
262
00:12:56,401 --> 00:13:00,279
- Eh, I don't know.
- My lyrics are pretty cryptic.
263
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,616
This is a song about some people
with a lot of nerve.
264
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,587
Yeah, that's why they hate me.
265
00:13:16,588 --> 00:13:18,381
I can't believe I filled that Keurig once.
266
00:13:18,382 --> 00:13:20,299
Oh, my God, you said every morning.
267
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,009
You haven't seen the size of that thing.
268
00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,262
Okay, listen.
269
00:13:24,179 --> 00:13:27,431
I think I have an idea on how to get
you back in their good graces.
270
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:30,184
Yes. I write a parody apology song. Ooh!
271
00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:32,687
I can do Me So Horny into Me So Sorry.
272
00:13:32,688 --> 00:13:34,398
Absolutely not.
273
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:38,110
Right.
274
00:13:40,195 --> 00:13:41,488
What is it?
275
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:44,992
I invited my crush Zoe
to eat here tonight.
276
00:13:45,951 --> 00:13:48,953
Like a date. She said she'd come,
277
00:13:48,954 --> 00:13:52,206
but she stood me up and went
to Raphael's party instead.
278
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:55,502
Which makes sense 'cause
his aunt is Sigourney Weaver.
279
00:13:56,378 --> 00:13:58,379
Well, uh...
280
00:13:58,380 --> 00:14:00,382
This may surprise you,
281
00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:04,261
but there was a time
when girls stood me up, too.
282
00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:06,513
That doesn't surprise me at all.
283
00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:09,141
Anyway...
284
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:12,435
Before I was the...
285
00:14:12,436 --> 00:14:14,938
undeniable hottie that you see before you,
286
00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:17,773
I was,
287
00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:20,777
rather sadly, a nottie.
288
00:14:21,195 --> 00:14:23,070
Got pantsed quite a lot, actually.
289
00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:25,240
Something about my slender hips, I think.
290
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,159
You see,
291
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:29,785
guys like us,
292
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,871
we just need to bide
our time a little bit.
293
00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:35,208
I mean, you might lose out
to the Raphaels of the world
294
00:14:35,209 --> 00:14:37,168
for the next few years, but,
295
00:14:37,169 --> 00:14:39,795
one day, you will wake up
296
00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:42,548
and find that girls simply cannot resist
297
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,759
the brilliant chef...
298
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:46,136
with the golden hat.
299
00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:48,679
Okay?
300
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:49,931
Come on.
301
00:14:49,932 --> 00:14:52,433
Go off and enjoy your childhood.
302
00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:55,186
Get back to working
this highly demanding late-night job
303
00:14:55,187 --> 00:14:57,730
that I can only assume is wildly
illegal for you to have.
304
00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,651
- It's not illegal.
- I was emancipated when I was 9.
305
00:15:10,452 --> 00:15:12,620
So, why on earth would you leave
306
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:14,789
your awesome rent-controlled
apartment in the city?
307
00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:17,375
Wait. Forget I asked you that.
308
00:15:17,376 --> 00:15:19,628
Dad's right. I'm a terrible realtor.
309
00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:22,880
To be honest,
I need space from my girlfriend.
310
00:15:22,881 --> 00:15:25,884
What? What does she need space from?
311
00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:29,470
I have no clue.
312
00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:33,307
Well, if you need space,
this kitchen is to die for.
313
00:15:33,308 --> 00:15:36,812
I mean, do a lap
around this island. It's huge.
314
00:15:38,397 --> 00:15:40,815
All stainless steel appliances.
315
00:15:40,816 --> 00:15:44,069
Oh, this is a PowerPlus burner,
five-top...
316
00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:47,405
Okay. She's distracted by the cabinets.
317
00:15:47,406 --> 00:15:50,033
Stay low, and move toward the front door.
318
00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:56,123
Ellen?
319
00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:58,583
Rachel?
320
00:15:58,584 --> 00:16:00,586
This is so random!
321
00:16:07,342 --> 00:16:09,052
What are you doing here?
322
00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:12,388
We followed you.
323
00:16:12,389 --> 00:16:13,724
You what?
324
00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:17,977
- Yep! Getting my phone call now.
- I'm gonna take it...
325
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:21,106
- Me, too!
- I'm getting a fake phone call, too.
326
00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:26,736
- Wow.
- I can't believe you followed me here.
327
00:16:26,737 --> 00:16:30,323
- I'm sorry.
- You've been acting super weird lately.
328
00:16:30,324 --> 00:16:33,993
Now, I realize it's because
you wanted to get away from me.
329
00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:37,371
No! It's not that I want to
get away from you.
330
00:16:37,372 --> 00:16:39,957
I just need space.
Living next to your girlfriend
331
00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,959
can be... a lot.
332
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,754
Of... fun?
333
00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:46,130
Just a lot.
334
00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:48,341
- Ha-ha!
- Ah! Don't kill me!
335
00:16:48,342 --> 00:16:49,592
What's cookin', good-lookin'?
336
00:16:49,593 --> 00:16:52,554
Is someone in need of
a special Ellen massage?!
337
00:16:55,599 --> 00:16:57,975
I think a little buffer
could be good for us.
338
00:16:57,976 --> 00:17:00,938
I was gonna tell you
as soon as I found a place.
339
00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:05,566
Rachel, you can get
this buffer apartment,
340
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,902
and I can try to rein it in a bit.
341
00:17:07,903 --> 00:17:11,030
But, you said that dating me was a lot,
342
00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:13,074
and I need you to know
343
00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:15,327
that I-I'm always gonna be me.
344
00:17:15,911 --> 00:17:19,330
I'm gonna bake you scones on a whim
345
00:17:19,331 --> 00:17:22,250
and send you kick-ass Spotify playlists
346
00:17:22,251 --> 00:17:25,461
and draw you a bath on sketch paper,
347
00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:28,757
and then laugh and laugh
about the play on words.
348
00:17:30,759 --> 00:17:33,594
That's part of the Ellen package.
349
00:17:33,595 --> 00:17:36,556
So, y-you need to decide.
350
00:17:36,557 --> 00:17:38,266
Do you take me as I am,
351
00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:41,270
or not take me at all?
352
00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:47,525
I'm gonna get myself
one of those bald cats
353
00:17:47,526 --> 00:17:48,818
for my birthday.
354
00:17:48,819 --> 00:17:49,902
Are you sure?
355
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:52,489
I feel like it'd be much cheaper
to just shave a stray.
356
00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:55,533
Oh, no. He's back.
357
00:17:55,534 --> 00:17:58,536
Hi, guys. I'm Sophie.
358
00:17:58,537 --> 00:17:59,620
I'm sure you don't remember me...
359
00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:00,830
We remember you.
360
00:18:00,831 --> 00:18:02,832
You're the girl that cheated
on Drew with Jesse,
361
00:18:02,833 --> 00:18:05,961
then didn't stay with Jesse,
so it wasn't even good cheating.
362
00:18:07,421 --> 00:18:10,214
Um... Uh, Melanie?
363
00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:12,383
We suspect that you
heard one of Jesse's songs.
364
00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:14,093
It's true. I did.
365
00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:15,971
It was disgusting.
366
00:18:16,388 --> 00:18:17,930
I guess if I got drunk enough,
367
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:20,475
I could sing Shallow.
368
00:18:26,982 --> 00:18:29,817
Of course, I told everyone
what I heard that night.
369
00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:31,277
You traumatized me.
370
00:18:31,278 --> 00:18:32,904
I've been so afraid of sneezing,
371
00:18:32,905 --> 00:18:35,991
I'm getting a hairless cat.
A real weird one.
372
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,660
I don't look like Ann Dowd.
373
00:18:39,661 --> 00:18:41,621
I don't even know who Ann Dowd is.
374
00:18:41,622 --> 00:18:43,915
Oh, uh, Leftovers. Handmaid's Tale?
375
00:18:43,916 --> 00:18:45,917
Oh, I love her.
376
00:18:45,918 --> 00:18:47,877
- Oh...
- Look.
377
00:18:47,878 --> 00:18:49,921
I'm sorry, alright?
I was pissed off
378
00:18:49,922 --> 00:18:53,299
'cause someone stole my Dannon Oikos
Greek yogurt from the office fridge.
379
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,384
That was me. I ate that yogurt,
380
00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:58,054
and my only regret is that it was apricot.
381
00:18:58,055 --> 00:18:59,680
Who buys apricot yogurt?
382
00:18:59,681 --> 00:19:01,057
Hey, hate it or eat it, Bob.
383
00:19:01,058 --> 00:19:02,850
- You can't have it both ways.
- Okay, everyone,
384
00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:05,061
calm down, alright?
385
00:19:05,062 --> 00:19:06,812
The only way to even the playing field
386
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,941
is you guys gotta roast Jesse back.
387
00:19:09,358 --> 00:19:10,608
That was your big plan?
388
00:19:10,609 --> 00:19:13,152
Sophie, these are professional educators.
They're not gonna bully me.
389
00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:16,072
- I'll do it!
- Have you guys ever noticed
390
00:19:16,073 --> 00:19:18,241
that when Jesse takes a sip
from the water fountain,
391
00:19:18,242 --> 00:19:20,952
he puts his whole mouth around the spout?
392
00:19:20,953 --> 00:19:22,787
Ha, ha, ha. Okay, good one, Melanie.
393
00:19:22,788 --> 00:19:25,457
I'm just trying to save water.
The planet is dying, so...
394
00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:27,376
Yeah, Drew. Yeah.
395
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,461
Jesse set up
his work printer wrong,
396
00:19:30,462 --> 00:19:32,673
so I've got a copy
of his Survivor application.
397
00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:35,341
He says he knows how to, quote,
398
00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:37,594
"Use all the parts of the coconut."
399
00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:42,098
How is being resourceful about God's
most versatile tree nut embarrassing?
400
00:19:42,099 --> 00:19:44,725
By the way,
you'd be terrible at Survivor.
401
00:19:44,726 --> 00:19:46,686
Your social game is garbage.
402
00:19:46,687 --> 00:19:49,480
And parody songs are
the lowest form of art,
403
00:19:49,481 --> 00:19:50,732
you tool!
404
00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:55,736
Well, we did it.
405
00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:58,990
We went out to dinner
and did not fall into bed together,
406
00:19:58,991 --> 00:20:01,743
so... go us.
407
00:20:02,578 --> 00:20:05,872
I mean, we slurped half a noodle,
and then bailed
408
00:20:05,873 --> 00:20:08,876
but, sure. Go us.
409
00:20:12,921 --> 00:20:14,506
Hey, Charlie. Um...
410
00:20:16,717 --> 00:20:18,302
The whole not wanting kids thing...
411
00:20:19,803 --> 00:20:21,012
Are you sure?
412
00:20:21,013 --> 00:20:23,307
Because I-I know.
I know you had a tricky upbringing.
413
00:20:24,516 --> 00:20:26,393
But you were great tonight.
414
00:20:28,103 --> 00:20:30,606
That one moment, I was great.
415
00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:35,943
When you have kids,
it's nothing but moments.
416
00:20:35,944 --> 00:20:39,697
It's moment after moment where you
have to do exactly the right thing
417
00:20:39,698 --> 00:20:42,659
or risk permanently screwing
someone up forever.
418
00:20:46,538 --> 00:20:48,707
Why are you so sure you do want kids?
419
00:20:50,626 --> 00:20:52,127
The moments.
420
00:20:53,003 --> 00:20:56,465
All of the ones you're afraid to mess up
and all of the ones in between.
421
00:20:57,466 --> 00:20:59,884
I wanna do my best
to make those moments right.
422
00:20:59,885 --> 00:21:01,887
Nothing sounds more incredible to me.
423
00:21:03,972 --> 00:21:05,516
That's beautiful.
424
00:21:07,392 --> 00:21:09,645
So beautiful
it changed your mind about kids?
425
00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:22,783
Good night, Charlie.
426
00:21:23,951 --> 00:21:26,954
Good night, Val. You are...
427
00:21:28,247 --> 00:21:29,789
truly terrible company.
428
00:21:29,790 --> 00:21:32,291
Right back at you.
429
00:21:32,292 --> 00:21:35,087
You're boring.
And you look like trash.
430
00:21:53,772 --> 00:21:54,815
You okay?
431
00:21:55,566 --> 00:21:56,859
Not really.
432
00:21:57,693 --> 00:21:59,695
- We broke up.
- Oh...
433
00:22:00,904 --> 00:22:01,905
Wanna talk about it?
434
00:22:04,157 --> 00:22:05,284
So, uh...
435
00:22:06,076 --> 00:22:08,119
I had a feeling you might
need a pick-me-up tonight,
436
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,997
so I've been saving this.
Sophie texted me.
437
00:22:10,998 --> 00:22:13,917
Jesse does parody songs
at a dive bar in Jersey.
438
00:22:14,376 --> 00:22:17,461
- No...
- Yeah. Look, she sent me a video.
439
00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:19,464
No...
440
00:22:24,094 --> 00:22:27,847
I have it on good intel he wears
Dave Matthews Band cologne.
441
00:22:27,848 --> 00:22:29,516
I do not, Bob!
442
00:22:30,267 --> 00:22:34,188
And even if I did, David by Dave
is a very sophisticated scent.
443
00:22:36,148 --> 00:22:38,150
This is my favorite birthday ever!
444
00:22:38,734 --> 00:22:40,401
Okay. I think, maybe,
445
00:22:40,402 --> 00:22:42,153
we've reached a natural stopping point.
446
00:22:42,154 --> 00:22:44,322
Does everyone feel like
we've evened the score?
447
00:22:44,323 --> 00:22:46,658
We could... start fresh?
448
00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:50,286
Yeah, what the hell.
449
00:22:50,287 --> 00:22:53,039
Jesse, you can join my birthday party,
450
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:54,332
if you want to.
451
00:22:54,333 --> 00:22:56,709
- Thank you.
- How about a round on me?
452
00:22:56,710 --> 00:22:58,211
Oh, I'd love a white wine.
453
00:22:58,212 --> 00:22:59,505
You're not invited, cheater.
454
00:23:01,006 --> 00:23:02,508
Okay...
455
00:23:03,967 --> 00:23:05,218
Well, I'm gonna head out.
456
00:23:05,219 --> 00:23:07,179
Uh, hey. Hey. Thank you.
457
00:23:07,930 --> 00:23:08,931
Anytime.
458
00:23:15,812 --> 00:23:16,854
Hi.
459
00:23:16,855 --> 00:23:18,397
Hi... Hi!
460
00:23:18,398 --> 00:23:20,358
Sorry for roasting you.
461
00:23:20,359 --> 00:23:22,985
I-I'm brand new here,
and I just wanted them to like me.
462
00:23:22,986 --> 00:23:24,195
No problem.
463
00:23:24,196 --> 00:23:25,864
You're right about Melanie...
33788
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