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1
00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:04,962
♪ Upbeat theme playing ♪
2
00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:08,299
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba,
ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
3
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:12,387
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
4
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:16,724
Here you go!
5
00:00:16,725 --> 00:00:19,852
An energizing green juice
for your big first day.
6
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,854
Ooh, Goliath Market
7
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:24,357
is not gonna know what hit them!
8
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,859
Ta-da! Meet Ellen from corporate.
9
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,569
Val...
10
00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:30,489
I love it.
11
00:00:31,156 --> 00:00:34,283
♪ I'm a big-city boss,
just sipping on greens ♪
12
00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:35,409
♪ Coming in to work ♪
13
00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:38,913
♪ 'Cause I'm a goddamn quee... een! ♪
14
00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:40,248
That sounded like a song
15
00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:43,084
from one of those reality shows
about girl bosses, like,
16
00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:44,252
and they're doing girl boss things!
17
00:00:44,253 --> 00:00:46,087
Like, they go to sell
a big house, and they're like...
18
00:00:46,088 --> 00:00:47,880
♪ I'm selling this big-ass house ♪
19
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:50,132
♪ I'm wearing these high-ass heels ♪
20
00:00:50,133 --> 00:00:52,885
Exactly! You know,
sometimes I like to imagine myself
21
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:55,305
as the star of my own reality TV show.
22
00:00:55,681 --> 00:00:57,390
Rich City Bitch Ellen! Or...
23
00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:59,643
Ellen, La Ricca Puttana Della Citta!
24
00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:03,229
It's a huge hit in Italy.
25
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:06,190
Well, thanks so much, guys.
26
00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:07,567
- Wish me luck?
- Oh, you don't need it.
27
00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:09,778
- You got this.
- Woo!
28
00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:14,323
I am so, so excited for her!
29
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:16,951
Me, too! She is crushing it.
30
00:01:16,952 --> 00:01:18,703
- Killing it.
- Murdered it.
31
00:01:18,704 --> 00:01:20,747
It is dead.
32
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:22,916
I couldn't be happier for her.
33
00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:29,922
Even though, you know,
34
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,967
we've been in New York way, way longer,
and our careers are...
35
00:01:32,968 --> 00:01:34,427
- Trash.
- Trainwrecks.
36
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,889
Full-on flaming garbage.
37
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,267
Hey, you know what we need?
38
00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,102
A little Pathetic Deirdre.
39
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,313
Oh, my God, yes.
40
00:01:45,314 --> 00:01:48,150
Pathetic Deirdre!
41
00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:50,985
Okay, so I realize
42
00:01:50,986 --> 00:01:53,487
this is maybe not
the best look for me.
43
00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:55,698
You and Aunt Val laughing maniacally
44
00:01:55,699 --> 00:01:58,492
about some poor woman
named "Pathetic Deirdre"?
45
00:01:58,493 --> 00:02:00,411
Yeah, it's not great.
46
00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:01,955
Well, just let me explain.
47
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:05,208
Deirdre was an old college friend,
48
00:02:05,209 --> 00:02:08,377
and Aunt Val and I used to invite her
to brunch when we were feeling,
49
00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:11,797
you know, low,
to give ourselves an ego boost.
50
00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:13,966
This city is just too loud for me.
51
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:16,053
I'm gonna move to New Jersey.
52
00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:18,555
New Jersey. On purpose!
53
00:02:20,516 --> 00:02:22,600
I don't know how you two party so much.
54
00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:24,602
I'm usually in bed by 9:00.
55
00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:27,314
I haven't gone to bed at 9:00
since I was 9.
56
00:02:28,565 --> 00:02:30,358
I'm thinking about writing a book.
57
00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:31,818
Like, about my life.
58
00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:35,989
Who would read that?
59
00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:39,826
Wouldn't. Who wouldn't read that?
60
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,120
Wait.
61
00:02:42,621 --> 00:02:45,122
Val, is this gross?
62
00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:46,666
We're 30 now.
63
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,334
We support other women.
64
00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:51,337
It's fine. We're just
reaching out to an old friend
65
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:53,047
to see if she wants to have brunch.
66
00:02:53,048 --> 00:02:55,551
Something women have done
throughout herstory.
67
00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:57,760
You're right.
68
00:02:57,761 --> 00:03:00,401
Should we call her first
to make sure she doesn't have other plans?
69
00:03:04,309 --> 00:03:06,519
Mom!
70
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,604
You don't get it!
71
00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:11,108
She never had anything going on!
72
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,945
Okay, babe, are you ready to do this?
73
00:03:15,946 --> 00:03:17,280
Almost. How's my hair?
74
00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:19,408
Oh, it's so cute.
75
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:24,328
Oh hey, man. You don't mind if Meredith
and I shoot a video in here, do you?
76
00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:25,621
Oh yeah, it's for my social.
77
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,957
Gotta let the M-heads know that
Jesse and I are back together,
78
00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:29,458
and he's joining me on tour.
79
00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:30,626
M-heads?
80
00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:33,338
Meredith heads. M-heads!
81
00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:37,758
Yeah. My whole album
is about our breakup,
82
00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:39,260
and so us getting back together
83
00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:42,014
is gonna be pretty big news
in the Memmunity.
84
00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:44,683
The Meredith community.
85
00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:47,101
Okay, well,
86
00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:49,145
I'm gonna need some immunity
from the Memmunity
87
00:03:49,146 --> 00:03:51,856
'cause your cuteness is killing me.
88
00:03:51,857 --> 00:03:53,441
Oh, awesome.
89
00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:56,027
Exciting news, boss man.
90
00:03:56,028 --> 00:03:58,739
I started dating again.
91
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:01,616
Obviously, by dating, I mean hardcore,
92
00:04:01,617 --> 00:04:03,577
no-strings-attached doinking.
93
00:04:04,203 --> 00:04:05,203
That is right.
94
00:04:05,204 --> 00:04:07,955
Yours truly hooked up with
a comely young lady last night,
95
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,707
and it was luscious.
96
00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,542
Okay. Congratulations, Charlie,
97
00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:13,669
but please do not use the words,
98
00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:17,215
"doinking" or "luscious"
or "comely" again.
99
00:04:17,216 --> 00:04:18,550
Noted.
100
00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:23,846
What on Earth are they doing
with their noses?
101
00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:26,516
They are happy, and they're in love,
102
00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:28,351
and though we have our misgivings,
103
00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:30,687
Jesse is our best friend,
so we support him.
104
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:35,192
What I supported last night
was the full weight of a human woman.
105
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:38,320
The more you talk,
the more you sound like a murderer.
106
00:04:39,530 --> 00:04:42,448
♪ Got the world in ♪
107
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:44,450
♪ My own hands ♪
108
00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:46,827
♪ I'm going to work ♪
109
00:04:50,457 --> 00:04:53,417
♪ I'm going to work, work, work ♪
110
00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:56,504
♪ I'm not here to play, play, play ♪
111
00:04:56,505 --> 00:04:59,549
♪ Juice is just okay, okay, okay ♪
112
00:04:59,550 --> 00:05:02,510
♪ That horse eats hay, hay, hay ♪
113
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,136
♪ Get out of my way ♪
114
00:05:09,601 --> 00:05:12,271
♪ Don't get in my way,
I'm here to stay... ♪
115
00:05:13,438 --> 00:05:14,522
- Hello.
- Hi.
116
00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:15,606
Ellen Gilbert.
117
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:17,525
It's my first day, and I need a...
118
00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:19,194
pass! Pass! Pass!
119
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:24,282
Oh! Can you make it fast, fast, fast?
120
00:05:24,283 --> 00:05:26,951
Sorry, I just wanna hop
on the elevator with my boss.
121
00:05:26,952 --> 00:05:28,786
You sure?
122
00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:31,956
The elevator is a very small space
for your boss to be alone with...
123
00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:33,000
all of this.
124
00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:36,461
Stairs it is!
125
00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:39,840
I'll get my steps in.
126
00:05:42,134 --> 00:05:43,676
51st floor?
127
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,847
That's a no-go for old Ellen-o.
128
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,855
Soph! Deirdre texted back!
129
00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:57,982
"Sorry, lovelies, can't brunch today.
130
00:05:57,983 --> 00:06:00,735
I have a book reading
at The Ginz in 30 minutes."
131
00:06:00,736 --> 00:06:02,821
A book reading?
What does that even mean?
132
00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:05,156
Maybe it auto-corrected "foot cleaning"?
133
00:06:05,157 --> 00:06:08,993
Oh... I bet it's like a open mic thing.
134
00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:10,745
We have to go.
135
00:06:10,746 --> 00:06:11,996
Already requesting a Lyft.
136
00:06:17,169 --> 00:06:19,837
This can't all be
for Deirdre's thing.
137
00:06:19,838 --> 00:06:22,423
Uh, excuse me. Is there another smaller,
138
00:06:22,424 --> 00:06:25,051
sadder event happening here today?
139
00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:26,719
Nope. Just the one book reading.
140
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,181
She's here!
141
00:06:32,226 --> 00:06:33,644
Hold on.
142
00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:39,440
Did Pathetic Deirdre write an actual book?
143
00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,150
I bet it's mostly pictures.
144
00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:43,569
No. Words. It's all words.
145
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:46,364
Huh? Wait,
is that how you spell "Deirdre"?
146
00:06:46,365 --> 00:06:47,950
English is weird.
147
00:06:53,372 --> 00:06:55,498
My God, she always talked
about writing a book,
148
00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:58,502
and now, she's written a book?
That's so random.
149
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,462
Val.
150
00:07:01,463 --> 00:07:04,758
Look at this chapter.
"Mimosas and Mind Games"?
151
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:08,135
We always used to have mimosas with her.
152
00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:09,512
I think this book is about us.
153
00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:12,516
- Stop. You're being paranoid.
- Let's dive right in.
154
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:15,768
"In college, I met two women,
155
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,896
and I became 'friendly' with them."
156
00:07:18,397 --> 00:07:20,731
- Could be anyone.
- "To preserve their privacy,
157
00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:23,317
I will call them Sophia and Valerie."
158
00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:25,695
Okay, it's us.
159
00:07:25,696 --> 00:07:27,405
♪
160
00:07:27,406 --> 00:07:29,866
Well, I will put your contact in
as first name, "the,"
161
00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:32,828
last name,
"most beautiful girl in the world."
162
00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:38,416
You know, I'm so happy
I sprung for the 12-pack
163
00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:41,419
from Baskets USA
because looks like,
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00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:44,046
I'll be sending another one
out tomorrow morning.
165
00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:46,716
Did you send your hookup
a post-sex breakup gift basket?
166
00:07:46,717 --> 00:07:47,717
Of course.
167
00:07:48,427 --> 00:07:50,720
It's what Derek Jeter did in his prime.
168
00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:53,806
Who knows how to do classy,
casual sex in New York City
169
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,559
better than noted American sex Yankee
Derek Jeter?
170
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,186
That is an old rumor.
171
00:07:58,187 --> 00:08:00,146
Jeter himself said it's not true.
172
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,231
Jeter, you discreet devil.
173
00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:04,902
He will take his basketing secrets
to the grave.
174
00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:07,653
Okay, there are a couple things
to hit in this video.
175
00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:10,114
- So I made some bullet points.
- What? No, babe.
176
00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:12,450
You know why they're called
"bullet points"?
177
00:08:12,451 --> 00:08:14,119
They shoot spontaneity dead.
178
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,039
- I think we should just wing it.
- Uh, okay.
179
00:08:17,581 --> 00:08:20,708
Hey, guys! I have a huge announcement.
180
00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:22,835
- Guess who's joining me on tour?
- It's me...
181
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,754
Jesse! That's right! Jesse,
182
00:08:24,755 --> 00:08:27,632
the inspiration behind Jay Street.
183
00:08:27,633 --> 00:08:30,468
We are back together and so happy.
184
00:08:30,469 --> 00:08:33,221
- That's right...
- I can't wait to see you all on tour
185
00:08:33,222 --> 00:08:35,890
and share our love story with you.
186
00:08:35,891 --> 00:08:39,810
Dates below, and we added a second night
in Myrtle Beach.
187
00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:43,607
- Go, cocks! Quack, quack, quack! Peace!
- We... We love... cocks.
188
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:46,734
Okay. I think that's pretty good.
Should I post it?
189
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:50,154
Uh, I-I-I don't know. You know,
that kind of felt a little bit more like
190
00:08:50,155 --> 00:08:52,448
a solo than a, than a duet to me, but...
191
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:55,743
Really? Okay, we can do another one.
It's funny.
192
00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:57,579
Felt like you were talking a lot.
193
00:09:01,083 --> 00:09:02,542
Hello, Courtney.
194
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:03,627
You're here.
195
00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:05,671
Um...
196
00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:09,131
Courtney, this is Sid.
Sid, this is Courtney, my, um...
197
00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:11,218
His hookup from last night.
198
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,553
Sorry for the ambush.
199
00:09:13,554 --> 00:09:15,721
I usually play it cool,
200
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:17,557
but I thought, what the hell?
201
00:09:17,558 --> 00:09:20,142
Charlie's putting himself
out there by sending me this
202
00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:21,853
"I like you" gift basket.
203
00:09:21,854 --> 00:09:24,857
Might as well let him know
I like him, too.
204
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:35,367
Wool suit. Wool suit!
205
00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:45,460
♪ You're a boss bitch,
you produce witch ♪
206
00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:50,631
I can feel the sweat...
207
00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:53,426
♪ Sweat, sweat dripping down ♪
208
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:56,470
♪ My neck, neck, neck ♪
209
00:09:56,471 --> 00:09:58,097
51.
210
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:01,185
I'm on 51! I'm on 51!
211
00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:06,106
Mother!
212
00:10:12,571 --> 00:10:15,239
Think.
213
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,283
Think.
214
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,661
There's gotta be a way outta here.
215
00:10:21,038 --> 00:10:23,581
Oh ho! She's open!
216
00:10:23,582 --> 00:10:27,044
♪ I'm here to shine, shine, shine ♪
217
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:38,804
♪ This is how I die, die, die ♪
218
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:40,932
Why does this room even exist?!
219
00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:51,442
"Every brunch was a masterclass
220
00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:53,736
"in female-to-female cruelty.
221
00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:56,447
"Yet, every time little blond Sophia
222
00:10:56,448 --> 00:10:59,283
"and her fiery sidekick Valerie called,
223
00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:00,618
I couldn't resist."
224
00:11:00,619 --> 00:11:02,995
So, I'm a sidekick now?
225
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:05,957
And she called you fiery,
which is hella problematic.
226
00:11:05,958 --> 00:11:07,792
- I hate Pathetic Deirdre.
- Yeah, well,
227
00:11:07,793 --> 00:11:10,503
she clearly hates us, too,
and with good reason.
228
00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:14,299
We were such passive-aggressive
mean girls to her.
229
00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:17,218
Yeah, true.
230
00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:19,929
Do you wanna
stick around and apologize,
231
00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:23,183
- do the right thing?
- No! Let's get outta here.
232
00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:28,814
Oh, my God!
233
00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:33,569
I can't believe it,
but the real Valerie and Sophia are here.
234
00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:37,738
This is so brave of you both.
235
00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:39,532
Please, come join me!
236
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,617
Together, we can heal.
237
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,244
Come on. Come on.
238
00:11:43,245 --> 00:11:44,871
Let's support them. This isn't easy.
239
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:47,248
I can't believe this is how
we get canceled.
240
00:11:47,249 --> 00:11:50,293
I can't believe Deirdre
chose that as her author photo.
241
00:11:50,294 --> 00:11:52,379
Stop it.
242
00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:55,090
I'm sorry.
243
00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:57,508
Wait, w-why are you sorry?
244
00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:58,968
Isn't it obvious?
245
00:11:58,969 --> 00:12:01,762
I used you to make myself feel better.
246
00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:03,472
Before I she-toxed,
247
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:06,894
I thought of you two
as my pathetic friends.
248
00:12:15,110 --> 00:12:17,820
How's it going over there, sex Yankee?
249
00:12:17,821 --> 00:12:20,823
It's great, actually.
I really misjudged Courtney.
250
00:12:20,824 --> 00:12:22,200
I mean, she's lovely.
251
00:12:22,201 --> 00:12:24,243
She's funny. She's really smart.
252
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,454
She's actually a genius.
253
00:12:26,455 --> 00:12:28,206
At the Apple Store.
254
00:12:28,207 --> 00:12:31,042
I'm really glad that she mistook my
"thanks for the hookup" basket
255
00:12:31,043 --> 00:12:33,294
for a "let's go on a real date" basket.
256
00:12:33,295 --> 00:12:36,255
Again, neither of those
are reason to send a woman
257
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,008
salami and lotion.
258
00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:39,884
You know, poor Hannah.
259
00:12:39,885 --> 00:12:41,762
Clearly stuck in a basket-less marriage.
260
00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:47,558
So, we just cannot wait
to be up on that stage
261
00:12:47,559 --> 00:12:50,395
performing together for all of you.
262
00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:52,855
Babe, do you wanna say a few words?
263
00:12:52,856 --> 00:12:54,148
Yes, I do. Thank you.
264
00:12:54,149 --> 00:12:55,942
Um, being apart from Meredith
265
00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:57,985
was the most difficult time of my life.
266
00:12:57,986 --> 00:13:01,155
And I'm just so glad that she
asked me to get back together.
267
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:03,617
That's right. I took him back.
268
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,952
Well, actually, I-I took her back.
269
00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:07,620
Best decision I ever made.
270
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:11,082
Was being taken back by me
271
00:13:11,083 --> 00:13:14,168
because I took him back.
I'm the taker.
272
00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:18,048
Well, actually, you were taken. By me.
273
00:13:19,675 --> 00:13:21,676
Ow! Damn it!
274
00:13:21,677 --> 00:13:23,387
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine! Why?
275
00:13:25,764 --> 00:13:27,015
No reason.
276
00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:29,475
Dude, she's gonna ruin his life again.
277
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,853
I know it.
And just like these wine glasses,
278
00:13:31,854 --> 00:13:34,147
I'ma be left to pick up the pieces.
279
00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:37,442
Is that why you broke the glasses?
280
00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:39,820
For the metaphor?
281
00:13:40,404 --> 00:13:41,989
Ooh, what a showman.
282
00:13:47,786 --> 00:13:50,455
Wait, you think we're the pathetic ones?
283
00:13:51,290 --> 00:13:54,458
Did you not read the book?
You're what I called
284
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:56,002
my "could be worse-ies"
285
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:57,920
because whenever I was
feeling bad about myself,
286
00:13:57,921 --> 00:14:00,047
I would hang out with you
and think it could...
287
00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:01,424
- We get it!
- Oh, we get it, Deirdre!
288
00:14:01,425 --> 00:14:03,843
I know. I am not proud of it,
289
00:14:03,844 --> 00:14:06,220
but there was a time in my life
290
00:14:06,221 --> 00:14:07,555
where your many,
291
00:14:07,556 --> 00:14:09,265
many struggles
292
00:14:09,266 --> 00:14:10,808
were like my fuel.
293
00:14:10,809 --> 00:14:13,811
I just bought a condo in Hoboken.
294
00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:15,814
Huge with waterfront views.
295
00:14:16,732 --> 00:14:19,442
You two still in that
tiny walk-up in Queens?
296
00:14:19,443 --> 00:14:21,402
Mm-hmm.
297
00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:23,487
I'm training for a Spartan race,
298
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:26,741
so I'm eating really clean
and in bed by 9:00.
299
00:14:26,742 --> 00:14:27,909
More bacon?
300
00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:30,161
- Mm. Yeah.
- Yeah.
301
00:14:30,162 --> 00:14:33,206
I just got an advance on my memoir.
302
00:14:33,207 --> 00:14:34,415
Oh!
303
00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:37,043
You're making furniture now? Hm.
304
00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:40,589
Oh, sweetie, you're thinking of armoire.
305
00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:42,591
Oh...
306
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,719
That is not what happened at all.
307
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,847
They're processing.
It's perfectly healthy.
308
00:14:49,848 --> 00:14:53,935
I am so sorry for exploiting
your many struggles.
309
00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:56,562
Mea culpa, Sophie. Mea culpa, Valentina.
310
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:59,233
No, you may not culpa, Deirdre.
311
00:14:59,775 --> 00:15:01,776
You were the pathetic one.
312
00:15:01,777 --> 00:15:02,902
Wait, what?
313
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:04,987
We called you Pathetic Deirdre.
314
00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:06,990
That was your name. See?
315
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,992
Wow! Okay.
316
00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:11,869
Um, She-Toxers!
317
00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:14,872
What we're seeing here
is a textbook case
318
00:15:14,873 --> 00:15:16,666
of toxic twisting.
319
00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:20,336
I think it is clear which of us up here
320
00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:21,963
was "the P word." I mean,
321
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:23,840
you two could barely afford brunch,
322
00:15:23,841 --> 00:15:25,758
and I bought a condo when I was 25!
323
00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:29,470
Uh, a condo in Jersey, so...
324
00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:31,222
Uh, doesn't count.
325
00:15:31,223 --> 00:15:34,100
Don't laugh at that!
326
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:36,936
At least I am not broke and day drunk.
327
00:15:36,937 --> 00:15:39,814
We are not day drunk! Yet.
328
00:15:39,815 --> 00:15:41,566
Yeah, and you know what?
329
00:15:41,567 --> 00:15:45,027
We might not have some fancy
book with no pictures in it, okay?
330
00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:46,487
But we have each other.
331
00:15:46,488 --> 00:15:48,614
Oh, good for you!
332
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:51,159
You two are so goddamn annoying!
333
00:15:53,328 --> 00:15:56,706
Is what pre-she-tox Deirdre
would have said.
334
00:15:56,707 --> 00:16:00,251
She's a fraud! She's still toxic!
335
00:16:00,252 --> 00:16:04,130
No! No, no, no, no, no.
I have changed, I swear.
336
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:07,592
I just find these two very triggering.
337
00:16:07,593 --> 00:16:09,886
So now she's using
the word "triggering"
338
00:16:09,887 --> 00:16:12,931
to justify her bad behavior. We hate that!
339
00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:18,978
Ooh... We are not canceled,
340
00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:20,272
but Pathetic Deirdre is.
341
00:16:21,273 --> 00:16:23,901
- You wanna go get day drunk?
- Yeah.
342
00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,486
- Bye, D.
- Eh!
343
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,488
- Good to see you!
- Uh-huh!
344
00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:36,871
♪ When I crawl through the vent ♪
345
00:16:36,872 --> 00:16:40,000
♪ It's like, ooh, there she went ♪
346
00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,338
Goddammit!
347
00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:47,882
Oh, my God.
348
00:16:47,883 --> 00:16:50,134
That's my meeting.
349
00:16:50,135 --> 00:16:53,138
Okay, first thing's first.
Let's take attendance.
350
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,890
- Kyle?
- Here.
351
00:16:55,599 --> 00:16:56,600
Ellen.
352
00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:00,061
Here.
353
00:17:02,773 --> 00:17:03,773
Tomas?
354
00:17:03,941 --> 00:17:05,025
Yeah!
355
00:17:12,658 --> 00:17:14,492
Nice to meet you, Tomas.
356
00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:23,751
I-I don't understand.
In what world did you take me back?
357
00:17:23,752 --> 00:17:26,170
You came to me, told me you
regretted breaking up with me,
358
00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:27,839
and then asked me to go on tour with you.
359
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,299
Okay, yeah, sure. Those are the facts,
360
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,510
but, like, what were the vibes?
361
00:17:32,511 --> 00:17:34,846
Okay, okay. Fine.
362
00:17:34,847 --> 00:17:36,598
You took me back.
363
00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:38,099
But,
364
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:40,560
this album, the tour,
365
00:17:40,561 --> 00:17:42,144
even this video,
366
00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:44,814
it isn't about what actually happened.
367
00:17:44,815 --> 00:17:47,608
I mean, you gotta think
about it like... this is a movie,
368
00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:49,026
and I'm the main character.
369
00:17:49,027 --> 00:17:52,113
If you're the main character, then what
does that make me? Like, an extra?
370
00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:53,490
No.
371
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:58,704
Makes you the extremely
handsome love interest.
372
00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:03,583
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're right. You're right.
373
00:18:03,584 --> 00:18:05,168
Let's just go with the first video.
374
00:18:05,169 --> 00:18:06,670
- Really?
- Yes.
375
00:18:07,212 --> 00:18:08,630
Okay, thank you.
376
00:18:09,298 --> 00:18:11,300
I'm gonna go send this to the team.
377
00:18:17,431 --> 00:18:19,849
- You okay?
- Wha? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
378
00:18:19,850 --> 00:18:21,225
I'm good. I'm good. We're good.
379
00:18:21,226 --> 00:18:23,019
I was making too big of a deal
about that video, right?
380
00:18:23,020 --> 00:18:25,580
I mean, she should be the main character.
She's... It's her tour.
381
00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:29,109
- Jesse.
- Yeah.
382
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:32,279
Dude, Meredith's always gonna be
the main character.
383
00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:35,281
She's always gonna put herself first.
384
00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:37,491
And I-I tried to hold my tongue
'cause I know you're happy,
385
00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:38,826
but, dude, at the end of the day,
386
00:18:38,827 --> 00:18:41,246
I just think you deserve someone
who actually loves you.
387
00:18:41,997 --> 00:18:43,040
And Meredith doesn't.
388
00:18:46,752 --> 00:18:48,253
Uh, got it.
389
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,467
So I'll, uh,
I'll see you Saturday then.
390
00:18:54,468 --> 00:18:57,386
I was thinking we could, uh, picnic.
391
00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,348
Well, we already have the basket, so...
392
00:18:59,890 --> 00:19:01,766
- You Charlie?
- Uh, yes.
393
00:19:01,767 --> 00:19:04,602
Got your dozen "Gourmand Paradise"
baskets from Baskets USA.
394
00:19:04,603 --> 00:19:06,854
You got a good deal, dude.
395
00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:08,232
Sign here.
396
00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:12,194
What's going on?
397
00:19:13,362 --> 00:19:15,364
It's a funny story, really. Um...
398
00:19:16,532 --> 00:19:19,493
Are you familiar with
New York Yankee Derek Jeter?
399
00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:23,287
Oh, my God.
400
00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:26,415
This is a
"thanks for a one-night stand" basket?
401
00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:27,834
Are all those other baskets for...
402
00:19:27,835 --> 00:19:29,418
Other women that I will meet
and sleep with, yes.
403
00:19:29,419 --> 00:19:32,296
You can keep your low-rent,
post-sex basket.
404
00:19:32,297 --> 00:19:35,091
Next time,
just ghost like a normal asshole.
405
00:19:35,092 --> 00:19:36,802
Low-rent?! Did you...
406
00:19:37,594 --> 00:19:39,596
Did you not see the truffled almonds?
407
00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:41,556
I slept with Jeter.
408
00:19:41,557 --> 00:19:44,059
Real truffles and a Birkin bag.
409
00:19:46,979 --> 00:19:49,648
A bag in a basket? He is a god.
410
00:19:56,613 --> 00:19:57,905
- Hey.
- Hey.
411
00:19:57,906 --> 00:19:59,950
Just, uh, getting ahead
of packing for tour.
412
00:20:01,660 --> 00:20:04,412
Really excited to see you
at the, uh, Long Island show.
413
00:20:04,413 --> 00:20:07,498
Charlie and I are thinking of renting
a ZipCar and driving everyone up.
414
00:20:07,499 --> 00:20:10,168
We're gonna write, like,
"Jesse Express-e" on the windows.
415
00:20:10,169 --> 00:20:13,004
Like, all aboard the Jesse Express-e!
Woo-woo!
416
00:20:13,005 --> 00:20:14,881
Yeah, maybe, actually,
it's better if you don't come.
417
00:20:14,882 --> 00:20:16,133
Woo... What?
418
00:20:17,134 --> 00:20:18,635
- Really?
- Really.
419
00:20:19,344 --> 00:20:21,095
When I'm standing on stage
with the woman I love,
420
00:20:21,096 --> 00:20:22,388
I kinda wanna look into the audience
421
00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:24,766
and see the faces of people
who actually support me.
422
00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:27,728
Okay...
423
00:20:39,448 --> 00:20:40,574
Woo-woo.
30956
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