All language subtitles for Evil.Bong.3.The.Wrath.Of.Bong.2011.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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(eerie music)

(slow piano tune)

- Well honey, I hope you're comfortable.

I realize you might be a little cold,

but don't you worry.

I'm sure it's plenty
warm where you're going.

All I gotta say is, good luck to Satan.

That poor son of a bitch has
to deal with your nagging ass.

You won't be needing these anymore.

(quick chiming tune)

Consider us divorced.

(eerie tune)

What the hell?

(explosion)

What the hell is that?

(grunting)

(sniffing)

Wow, that's some kind of smoke.

(laughing)

(excited mumbling)

Oh wow.

(quick upbeat tune)

Oh wow.

(grunting)

Mmmm.

(laughing)

Oh, wow, look at that.

That's no meteor.

(electric charges)

(grunting)

Whoa.

Well, well.

(dramatic music)

Whoa, wow.

(dramatic music)

This is the luckiest day of my life.

(chiming music)

Wow, wow.

Look at you.

You are incredible.

Whoa, you are wow.

Wow.

You are great.

(smooth trumpet tune)

(upbeat music)

♫ Oh no, no, no, no

♫ No, no, no, no, no, oh

♫ In the morning, in the night

♫ When I don't feel so right

♫ Up through the misty haze,

♫ The green all grinding up my days

♫ Have a smoke to clear my mind

♫ Just a puff to help unwind

♫ Everywhere I go, I take it

♫ Oh it's like I can't escape it

♫ Only thing I need, only thing I need

♫ Weed weed, wicked weed

♫ Heavy from the devil's seed

♫ Fiending for it every day

♫ You know I want that Mary Jane

♫ Weed, weed, wicked weed

♫ You got a hold of me

♫ Fiending for it every day

♫ You know I want that Mary Jane

♫ Light the fire, spark the tree

♫ Make it a part of me

♫ Think of all the life it breeds

♫ Just growing from those little seeds

♫ I need my smoke today

♫ Work too hard, get home late

♫ I just need a break for
one more toke that I can take

♫ Only thing I need, only thing I need

♫ What's that from

♫ Weed, weed, wicked weed

♫ Heavy from the devil's seed

♫ Fiending for it every day,

♫ You know I want that Mary Jane

♫ Weed, weed, wicked weed

♫ You got a hold on me

♫ Fiending for it every day

♫ You know I want that Mary Jane

(jam music)

♫ Oh, feeling the weed, you can't leave

♫ Heavy from the devil's seed

♫ Fiending for it every day

♫ You know I want that Mary Jane

♫ Weed, weed, we can't leave

♫ Yeah, we can't leave

♫ You got a hold of me

♫ You got it, you got it

♫ Fiending for it every day,

♫ You know I want that Mary Jane ♫

(birds chirping)

- Curious.

Wow.

Astounding, simply astounding.

(electric tapping)

Whoa.

Oh my.

Oh my gosh, Alistair you fool.

The initial observations
are often the most critical.

I can't trust them to memory.

This is Alistair McDowell
of the Space Institute,

April 20th at o ten hundred hours,

after tracking on radar
what appeared to be a meteor

losing its gravitational orbit,

I have entered the woods
just north of the city

following its projected trajectory.

The impact site is littered

with what appears to be a grass.

I will now take a sample.

(birds chirping)

Evidence of a substance has been taken

off the outer skin of the meteorite.

Upon further observation,

it seems that rather
than a high density rock,

the meteorite seems to be
composed of a metal of some kind.

Formed into a crude sphere.

Huh.

Was this done naturally?

Or possibly by some
living, sentient beings?

More data is needed, but
the possibility is exciting.

Curious.

By the markings on top of this plate,

it looks as if something
had once sat atop it.

Maybe, I don't know jostled
loose in space or knocked over.

- Hiyah!

Put em up dude.

- I am unarmed, I assure you.

- Sex , lies, and video tape.

I never knew a fed without a strap.

You must have an ankle piece.

- I told you, I'm unarmed,
nor am I a fed as you call it.

Do you mean federal officer, as in FBI?

- FBI, CIA, DKNY.

- DKNY?

- They're all a part of
same alphabet soup, brother.

- But.

- Turn around slow, no sudden moves.

(intense music)

- Larnell.

- Al?

You look different.

You been hitting the creatine?

Throwing some weights around?

(laughing)

- You noticed.

But what the heck are you doing here?

- Sorry about that, I thought
you might be federal popo.

- Well, clearly not.

I mean I'm working for
the Space Institute.

- No kidding?

Dude that's great.

Good you got here before the feds.

- Why is that?

- Maybe you and I can work
together on this thing.

Sweet mother of pearl, I was right.

I was tracking this thing from outer space

and I figured it came down
somewhere right around here.

- Wait, you were tracking it, but how?

- Let's just say I have
access to certain equipment.

The less you know, the better, Al.

Plausible deniability and all.

- Um, why were you worried

that I might be a federal officer?

- Come on dude, the feds
have been covering up

UFO sightings since that flying
saucer crash back in 1947.

They still got the alien
dudes locked up in Area 51.

They've been feeding the poor little dudes

Old Milwaukee and tater tots.

- Taters

- Hiding them from us because

they don't think we can handle the truth.

They've been using their
brains for technology too.

I'm talking about microwave
ovens, cell phones, Hot Pockets.

- Hot Pockets?

- And Jimmy Cameron.

- Wait, Jim Cameron, the movie director?

- Yeah, he's their offspring.

The aliens's I mean.

Come on Al,

Avatar is like a five hour
love letter to his home planet.

But the fed dunes think us
dumb yokels can handle it

because it's just a story.

Well not me, baby.

- I don't know about all that,
but what about the meteorite?

- Don't snow me Al, I heard you talking

to your little tape recorder
when I snuck up on you.

You know this thing ain't no space rock.

It's a spaceship.

You and I can expose
the secret to the world.

Those fed goons will have no choice

but to let those poor little
aliens out of lock up.

- I don't anything about that,

but I've never seen a study

of the meteorite like this before.

(sniffing)

- You smell that?

(sniffing)

(trippy music)

Come on dude, don't tell
me you don't recognize it,

not after everything we've been through.

(sniffing)

- Oh my goodness, you're right,

it smells like some kind of marijuana.

- Look at all this stuff.

- Don't touch it, we have
no idea of its toxicity.

- Let me toke some of this shit

and I'll take my own fucking rating.

- I think the scientific
method will be safer.

- Safe?

Right.

We're all living on
borrowed time anyways, Al.

The Armageddon clock is
running down, you know.

- Armageddon?

How exactly have you
been occupying your time

since I saw you last?

It's been, what, a couple years?

- Well, homeland security is after me.

No biggie, just a little mix
up at the Afghan boarder.

- Jeez, Afghanistan?

- It was totally innocent, bro.

I was over there with my old buddy Faruk,

scoring some high grade poppy when.

- Okay, kay, maybe you
actually shouldn't tell me.

I mean afterall, plausible

- Deniability, gotcha.

Anyways, I've been living
further off the grid.

Had to change up my look
too, just to be safe.

Went over to the Supercuts on Sepulveda

and had that crater face Shauna

fix me up with a color and a cut.

She done me pretty good, too.

Got me looking like Zac Efron and shit.

Plus, I've been training
with a ninja master.

Gotta protect myself.

- A ninja master?

- Well, master might be pushing it.

The dude works in stolen car stereos.

But trust me, Wang Dong knows his shit.

That's why he's got me
dressing all in black.

So I can move with the shadows

and strike from the heart of darkness.

Sa sa.

The drunken monkey is a terrible
thing when unleashed, Al.

I hope you never, ever have to witness it.

(upbeat music)

♫ And here we go

♫ Sitting all alone with not much to do

♫ Thinking to myself I need
to change my point of view

♫ If only there was something
that could occupy my hands

♫ I need something to do
because I don't have any plans

♫ A new point of reference
to change what I receive

♫ Something that was
anything but me I do believe

♫ Changing my mind is
what I want to achieve

♫ And if you ask me what I'm
saying, I'm a private seed

♫ You see I need to get
high, I need to get drunk

♫ A little something good to
help me out of this funk ♫

(eerie tone)

(eerie music)

(broken bell clicking)

- Uh, hello?

Anybody here?

- Dude, you've got to cut out the noise.

- Noise?

I just said hello.

- Correction, you followed
that with is anybody here.

And that was after you pounded

on my bell here for like five minutes.

- Well, it wasn't five minutes

and if you heard it, you
should've come out sooner.

- Heard what?

- The bell.

- Oh dude, bell's broken.

- Anyway, I've got something here

that I think you'll find very interesting.

(high pitched tone)

- Whoa.

Looks like some kind of space bong.

- That's exactly right.

- No shit.

- Hey hey hey hey, not
until we discuss price.

- Well is it really from space?

- Yeah.

- Prove it.

(laughing)

- Come on man.

Just look at it.

Have you ever seen
anything like that before?

(laughing)

- Dude you got some serious
fuzz tongue going on.

Like right in that, there.

(grunting)

- Yeah, yeah, I gotta go
see the doctor about that.

- Yeah, you need some medicinal.

- Anyway, do you think
your shop could use this?

Are we gonna do some business?

- Yes, I think we are definitely
gonna do some business.

(laughing)

Let me figure out how to
open up the cash register.

- What are you doing?

- I was just helping the customer.

- Hey, back off slick, we
were just doing business.

- Yeah.

- Back off?

I'm the cowner of this place.

Don't be telling me to back off, jack off.

- Hey man.

- Hey, I don't want you ripping
us off with some bull shit.

Yeah, I heard you from the back.

Space bong, my ass.

This looks like some bad movie prop.

- Yeah, like from 2001 Weed Odyssey.

(laughing)

- Hey look, I'll make
a good deal with you.

Maybe we could do
something with this, too.

Only been used once.

(eerie tone)

Hey, pud knocker, this a
head shop, not a pawn shop.

- Um, dude that would look
pretty rad in the shop though.

- Yeah, well, maybe so

but we ain't paying out the wazoo for it.

- No, we're not paying
out the wazoo for it.

- 50 bucks.

- 50?

I'll pay you 20 for it.

- It's worth more than that.

- Hey, I gotta make a profit too.

- Fifty bucks, and I'll throw
in the jewels and the knife.

- I don't want your shit, man.

Cash money.

What's with the gloves?

- I got burned.

- Really?

Let's see.

- No, no I can't do that.

- You want the 20 bucks don't you?

- Whoa.

- Oh, monkey.

- Dude, you are totally molding.

- That's not good.

- Take your shit and get out of here.

And don't touch anything, fuck!

- Fuck both of you.

(muffled rap music)

- Hey, where are you going?

- Dude, you cannot expect
me to put new merchandise

on the shelf without testing it out first.

That would be irresponsible.

- Why I ever went into
business with you is beyond me.

- Oh, because when your career in sports

went down the shitter you had
to do something, remember?

(smacking)

- Thanks for reminding me.

Nobody takes that thing before

we find out what it's all about.

Hey, you know who might
know something about it?

- Who?

- Al.

- Who?

- Al, you know the geek?

The one who helped us kill the
evil bong and the king bong?

- Oh, but technically we didn't

kill the evil bong, remember?

It was still down there in
the jungle when we left.

You remember the pootang tribe?

Talk about National Geographic.

- National pornographic, you mean.

Put it back on the counter.

(grunting)

- You're not the boss of me.

Look, violence never solved anything, man.

(slow jam music)

(phone dialing)

- Hey Al.

Yeah, it's Brett.

Hey, how are you buddy?

- Tell me what to do,
I'll tell you what to do.

Assholes around here.

Alright, product testing.

(eerie music)

Here we go.

(water bubbling)

(electricity jolting)

- You are a worm.

A parasite.

Being this close to you disgusts me.

- Now that's uncalled for.

- I tolerate it only because I must.

You are the first step in my quest

for total domination of your world.

- You got a nasty 'tude for a bong.

You gotta chill out or no
one's gonna wanna buy you.

Now shut up while I smoke you.

(dramatic music)

(electric tones)

Oh now, monkey!

(quick whipping music)

- [Voiceover] Welcome to my world, worm.

(eerie tune)

- Oh snap.

Hi there.

Dude.

You could use some lotion.

That's okay, that's okay.

(eerie music)

You chicks are a little aggressive.

That's alright.

I'm into it.

So, is this like, a three way situation?

I'm into it.

It's okay.

(eerie music)

Ow, that's, that's kinda painful.

(moaning)

(eerie tune)

- Monkey.

(psychedelic tune)

♫ I think God smokes weed

♫ And he was high when he made me

♫ I can feel it in my DNA

♫ I think God smokes weed

♫ And he was high when he made me

♫ And I think he gave up ♫

- Larnell.

(screaming)

Would you relax man,
you're wigging me out.

- I gotta keep the blood flowing
bro or else I get stagnant

and the palpitations and
panic attacks kick in.

- You're a few skittles
short of a full bag.

You've got to stop
chasing black helicopters.

- Yeah.

- What do you make of the bong, Al?

- Well, it's most certainly
of unknown origin.

And the material used to form it

is like nothing I've ever seen.

I'll know more when I take it back

to the lab and run some tests.

We were on our way there when you called.

- Well as much as I love you, Al,

you're not taking that
thing out of my shop

until I get my investment back.

I paid like twent--a hundred
bucks for that thing.

- [Al] The base of this
would fit perfectly

in that receptacle we
found in the meteorite.

- Meteorite?

- Spaceship, dude.

(muffled reggae music)

- So you're actually telling us

this thing might be from space?

- Well, the possibility exists, yes.

(yelling)

- What was that?

- Relax there, master of
dung poo, it's just Bachman.

- Oh, I thought I recognized his voice.

Where is brother Bach?

Wouldn't mind giving him some hello nugs.

- I think he's in the back bone smuggling

one of those fat chicks again.

I have no idea where
he finds these broads.

- I caught him beating off

to an old school Star
Jones interview once.

Brutal.

- Bachman!

Get out here.

- Listen Al, I don't have 60 bucks.

Living off the grid has
its disadvantages, man.

- Well, I don't have
any money on me either.

- Bummer, I was hoping to
score some Taco Bell later.

Chalupas make me wet.

(playful music)

(groaning)

- You putzes.

- Hey, Luann.

As usual, you are a sunbeam,

floating on a cloud of happiness.

- Did anybody ever tell
you that black is O U T?

- Shadows don't care about style.

(scoffing)

- Could you be a bigger loser?

Is that even possible?

(slow jam music)

- Well I mean, it's obviously

Um, it's nice to see you, Luann.

It's been some time.

- Not long enough.

Is this Brett's store?

- What, you don't know?

- Well, let's just say him
and me kind of lost touch.

(broken bell clicking)

Is he around?

- Well, yeah, he just kind went.

- He peaced out for a little bit

and we're not really
sure when he'll be back.

- Yeah.

Yeah, and he left us
in charge temporarily.

- Would you like to purchase a water pipe?

It's only slightly used and
in near perfect condition.

In fact, we'll give you 30 percent off.

- What the hell do I
need once of those for?

- Look, Lu, it matches your eyes.

- Get that away from me, you idiot.

(sighing)

When Brett comes back,

tell him to call me.

If you think you can remember that.

(upbeat music)

(door slamming)

- I don't think she likes us, dude.

- Shit that was close.

Hey, thanks for getting rid of her.

- Oh hey, she wants you to have that.

- Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

- I take it your relationship
is no longer kosher.

- Not unless kosher is restraining order.

- She has a restraining order on you?

- Dude, I have a restraining order on her.

In case you haven't noticed,
she's a bit of a handful.

When we were down in South
America, I lost like 400 pounds.

I didn't realize she's
not very supportive.

- Really?

- Geez, listen to me.

Not very supportive?

That sounds like some Opera shit.

The thing is, I just
keep falling back for it.

She's a hot piece of ass,

but then those true
psycho colors come out.

Anyway, thanks for having my back, boys.

- [Larnell] Where is Bach?

- He wasn't back there.

- Dude, we heard him.

- Well he must've snuck out the back then.

So what are you gonna do
with that thing anyway?

- It's an alien bong bro.

- Okay, X-files, alien bong.

What the hell do we do?

(door opening)

- What you do is pray, brothers.

- Mr. Rabbit, how are you?

- Just Rabbit, brother, just Rabbit.

- I can't believe you're still
pulling that priest scam.

- Oh, it's no scam.

I assure you.

You know, I'll never forget

my experience with the poontang tribe,

nor will I forget the promise
I made to a higher power,

in exchange for saving my life.

- Dude, we saved your life.

(laughing)

- Oh really, did you?

Or were your hands guided by.

(holy tone)

You see, after I was rolled into a doobie

and shrunken to microscopic size,

I began to see the world as it truly is.

A microcosm.

We're all just little flakes
on the same blue ball.

We're all together, and
we should behave as such.

- Rabbit, have you
already been toking today?

- I assure you, sir, my vision
has never been more clear.

- Silly Rabbit, religious
institutions are corrupt, man.

They've been covering up the UFO sightings

just like the government.

Dude, I have it on good authority

that the pope himself has
been abducted and probed.

- My poor, deluded child.

I belong to no institution.

I am just me, myself, and I.

Travelling the road, spreading the word.

- What the hell are you
doing here anyway, man?

I mean, we're kinda busy with something.

- I dropped in to see Bachman.

We were gonna have a spiritual powwow.

- Oh, a little powwow with the wow wow?

A little powwow that
you two in the back room

when it's all full of smoke?

- I have no idea what you're referring to.

- Oh yeah, yeah right.

You know, how I ever got hooked up

with you losers is beyond me.

- You had no arm bag.

They drugged you out of the minor leagues.

(glass shattering)

- How's that for no arm, Curious George?

- Ow.

- Hey, you got a comment too?

- No, no, I just.

- Holy shit.

That's where that weird
guy touched the counter.

- [Al] Weird guy?

- [Brett] The guy I bought the bong from.

He had this green shit all over his hands.

- It looks a lot like the
odd vegetation we discovered

at the crash site of the meteorite.

- Spaceship.

- Yeah, very well, spaceship.

Oh, I can compare it
to some of the samples

I took at the crash site.

Wow.

The growth rate is astounding.

- Don't touch it.

The other dude had this
stuff growing all over him.

It's some sort of space fungus.

(light dramatic music)

(water bubbling)

(light dramatic music)

- This herb is of inferior quality.

- I'll have you know,
that this is some primal.

Wait a second, did you just talk?

- I see no one ends in
this room, right boy?

- What is it with all you talking bongs?

(laughing)

Do you have a voice activated
chip in you or something?

- Unhand me you worm.

- Hey, hey, hey, worm?

That's kinda, hey, that's kinda strong.

- You are repugnant to me,

as you might find a maggot distasteful.

I tolerate you only because

the process is still
in its earlier stages.

- Process?

- There is the work I must do here

and that which must be done on my world.

- So, the guys weren't joking

when they said you were an alien bong.

- It is no joke.

It is the beginning of
the end for your world

and the dawning of my dominance.

(laughing)

- You are a real downer, my brother.

(laughing)

- You are about to go
downer the rabbit hole.

Oh yes, yes, smoke up oldie.

(laughing)

(dramatic chiming)

- Rabbit, no!

Oh, not again.

- He's been abducted.

- The bong got him.

- What I said, abducted.

- Perhaps we can argue
semantics later, gentlemen.

The bottom line is, Rabbit's gone.

And perhaps the same
thing happened to Bachman.

- What is it with these
fucking bongs anyway?

Why do we always end up
finding these things?

- Dude, they find us.

- We have to help him.

- Are you serious?

Do you remember what happened last time?

The last two times?

- Well, we made it out.

- That's beside the point.

We don't know what the
hell is on the other side.

- Dude, I'll bet this alien bong

wants to take over the world,

it's part of an invasion plot.

- Like Independence Day?

War of the Worlds?

This little thing?

(quick intense music)

- Don't touch me, you parasite.

- Don't trip dude, we come
in peace and all that stuff.

- You insignificant specs of fecal matter.

- Here's how we handle the invasion.

- Wait, wait, wait.

If you destroy it we might never
get back Rabbit or Bachman.

- Alright then, what do you suggest?

(evil laughing)

- Yes, scamper away you little pansies.

(evil laughing)

- Sweet Jesus.

- Whoa.

(eerie music)

- Man, I'm gonna have to get
some serious weed killer.

- Maybe it feeds on the stuff,
man, you gotta be careful.

- Oh no, we seem to have encountered

some kind of alien intelligence.

Or A I.

- You mean A high.

- [Brett] Shit.

- Okay Al, you're the brains around here.

How do you propose we
fight the alien bong?

- Well, we were only able
to defeat the king bong

with the help of a certain person.

Well, I mean, not a person, but.

- You mean the evil bong.

Yeah, right, who wants
to see that bitch again?

Besides, we left her nag
ass down in the jungle.

- Well, no doubt Larnell's grandfather

has her in his possession.

He seemed quite enamored of her.

- We left the old man down there too.

Good fucking riddance.

- Actually, he's not down there anymore.

- How do you know?

- Kinda been keeping tabs on him.

- Why?

It was my impression
that your relationship

with him was no longer cordial.

- Yeah, he's been hating on you ever since

your mom front squirted you out.

- I didn't wanna take the chance

of him showing up and surprising me again.

Like he did down in South America.

- So where is he?

I mean does he run the local

butt plug convention
or something like that?

- Let's just say that gramps
has turned over a new leaf.

(psychedelic music)

- Is this the great beyond?

Have I crossed over?

(laughing)

A bare angel.

Oh, this must be my reward
for all the good deeds I do.

Or maybe not.

Maybe it's not heaven,
maybe it's that other place.

Well, Lord, if it is that other place,

let my punishment begin.

(laughing)

- Dude, you just sounded like a chick.

- Oh, brother Bachman, I see
you too have crossed over.

- I don't know about that shit, bro.

But I've been banging these
chicks since I got here.

They've milked me of
so much monkey powder,

I don't know how I'm still standing.

(moaning)

- What do you mean by milked you?

- Like, for safe keeping, you
know like when I'm sleeping.

See, the wang looking tentacle combines

with the aliens' spunky to
form like this super splooge.

That's why it's great.

That's not my normal color, by the way.

And then they keep it in these jars.

It's like they're trying
to populate the place

with a bunch of little baby
Bachmans running around.

How cool, huh?

- Brother, that fills me with a horror

that you cannot even imagine.

- If by horror, you mean
fucking awesome, then I concur.

- I don't know about this, girls.

(nervous laughing)

- Oh, just go with it bro,
it's all part of their game.

It's cool, it's cool.

- Geeky!

(laughing)

(moaning)

- Rabbit likes.

I am full of joy.

- Whoa, you're inside
me, how is that possible?

(laughing)

(eerie chiming music)

(laughing)

- What the hell was that?

- Sounded like Rabbit, he's
gotta be in the bong world.

- Are they killing him or what?

(laughing)

- Uh, he doesn't sound
like he's in any distress.

- He's getting his rocks off.

That doesn't sound like any kind

of alien invasion I've ever heard of.

- No, don't you get it, man?

That's the genius of it.

They attack us where we're
the weakest, our anacondas.

- I don't know about you bro,

but I'm strongest in my anaconda.

(mysterious music)

(throat clearing)

(screaming)

- Who was it summoned the good doctor?

- That'd be me, gramps.

- You?

- Yeah, me.

It's good to see you.

- You?

- Yeah, me, it's good to see you.

- Yes, well I wish I could say the same.

But I enjoy my flare
ups of my genital herpes

more than I do seeing
your insipid face again.

- Shoulda known you haven't changed.

- Ah, but I have.

You can call me Dr. Weed.

And this is my personal
assistant, Nurse Hookah.

- What the shit?

Are you trying to tell me that

you're selling medical weed now?

- Well, since my experiences
in South America,

I decided to join the enemy, so to speak.

And it's proved very lucrative.

Not that you layabouts would

know anything about making money.

- Hey, back off Jerry Garcia.

This joint is my place.

- Some impressive items around here,

but you will be foreclosed
on within two months.

- Thanks a lot old man.

- I was given to understand

that the sell of medicinal marijuana

was done only in pharmaceutical shops.

- Ah, yes, I recalled you were one of the

brighter elements in
this gang of nincompoops.

If one can make such comparisons
among the lower forms.

But you were correct, nerd,

in alluding to the
popularity of the shops.

But those are for amateurs, morons.

They're targets for miscreant thieves.

Pimps and gangbangers shooting
eachother just for a taste.

Now, the only way to
go is special delivery.

So, let's get down to some business, ay?

- Oh, shit.

- Besides the traditional seeds and weeds,

I've got brownies, cookies, ice cream,

even newfangled lemonade.

One taste will blast you over the moon.

(laughing)

- Actually gramps, we
kinda need your help.

- The only help you're
likely to get from me

is a retroactive abortion.

- I shoulda known.

- But we're serious Mr., um,
I mean, gra, uh, Dr. Weed.

- Really serious, gramps.

Like the whole world is
screwed kind of serious.

- What are you babbling on about?

- Well, we're not sure but.

- It's an invasion,
aliens from another world

planning a take over of Earth.

- Since the day your
mother squeezed you out

of her rectal cavity, you've
been nothing but misery for me.

And now you're giving me this bullshit

about invasions from aliens?

Let's get out of here, nursey.

- Wait.

- We can prove it, we think.

(psychedelic music)

- [Larnell] There it is, the
advance scout of the invasion.

- What of it?

It's a cheap movie prop.

- That's what I thought at first too, but.

- But what?

Spit it out, you incompetent imbecile.

- Two of our friends checked
out gramps, we think the bong

- We believe that there's

a possibility that the
bong has taken them.

- You clowns must take me for
the biggest rube in history.

- Give it a sec, gramps.

(light dramatic music)

Well come on, say something, damnit.

Show us your power over us little ants.

(light dramatic music)

He's shutting us out, dudes, not cool.

Bong's being a total D-bag.

- Total D-bag.

- No, no, no, wait, wait.

There's something else you have to see.

- Fucking astounding.

- Don't touch it.

It's properties of reproduction
and accelerated growth

are beyond anything I've encountered.

(laughing)

- Indeedy, Nurse Hookah,
a veritable gold mine.

Where did you get it?

- Oh, out by the old

- Hang tight, Al.

Gramps gets nothing from us,

not until he gives over something.

- Oh, so now you think you
can bargain with me, huh?

With your frazzled little brain.

- Settle down, beast.

We just think you got
something we can use.

- Yeah?

Like what?

- The evil bong, the bitch bong.

- How do you know I have her?

- Don't snow me gramps,
I know you got her.

We left you down there
in the jungle with her

and no way you'd escape
without taking her with you.

- Yes, I still owe you for
that ditching me down there.

You puss oozing pecker.

- Let's just call it even for all the crap

you dished out on me over the years.

Right now, we're just
looking for a little trade.

Call it a loan.

- I call it extortion.

I think this thing stinks
like a sumo wrestler's

just taken a dump on a burning tire.

- So where is she?

- Who?

- The bitch bong.

- I have to go and get
her, she's in a safe place.

- Yeah, I'll bet she's in a safe place.

(dramatic drumming)

- Oh, very well.

(muffled mumbling)

- There you go, pooky poo.

(mumbling)

There you are.

- You trying to suffocate a girl?

Damn.

- It's all in interest of
safety, you understand.

- Safety, my ass.

Your safety, maybe, honky.

Tape on my mouth only pisses me off.

Can't keep a woman down like that.

- Yes, you're right
sweetheart, I apologize.

- That's bad gramps, Dick
Cheney on a goose hunt bad.

- Ah, hell no, not those
crazy white boys again.

How many times you try to kill me already?

- Uh, well, actually last time we all

defeated the king bong together,

if you remember correctly.

- Oh, I remember alright.

Then you left me down in
that hot, sweaty jungle,

all them bugs and spiders
crawling all over me.

Oh, lordy!

How do you plan to torture me
this time, you little shits?

- No torture, just asking
for a little advice is all.

- Advice?

You mean, you want my help?

- Well if you wanna put it that way.

- Wait a goddamn minute, what in the hell?

Oowee.

Now that is some kind
of sweet, sweet weed.

Wouldn't you say Doctor?

- Just what the doctor
ordered, sweetheart.

- Oh, we could do something
with this on the streets.

Uh, I mean, for medicinal
purposes of course.

- Oh, of course.

- Wait a second, nobody's doing anything

until we get a little help
with our problem here.

- What little problem is that?

Your dick?

- No, not his little mustard prick.

This.

(dramatic music)

- It's from outer space.

- What you talking bout Willis?

- I mean this little problem
could be your little problem.

Could be the whole world's little problem.

- In simplest terms,

we believe an alien invasion may be afoot.

- Yeah.

- You dumb geeks have all done flipped.

- Maybe you could just
talk to it or something,

and just you know just.

- Talk to it?

You dumb ass cracker, what am I?

Some side show act motherfucker?

- Well, no, but I mean,

there aren't that many talking
bongs and I just thought.

- There's only one of me,

and don't you let your lily
white ass every forget it.

- But this one was
running his mouth earlier,

saying some really nasty stuff.

Insults that were totally uncalled for

and unprovoked, I might add.

- This one?

Talking?

Shit, thing's nothing but a piece of junk.

Let's grab some of this super
weed and get out of here.

- I concur, sweetheart.

- You dare to refer to
me as a piece of junk?

My outward appearance is designed

for me to blend better within
your rudimentary world.

To better fool your simple minds.

- Who you calling simple, motherfucker?

- You are nothing but trash
to be swept into the gutters

of what you call the ghetto of this world.

- Say what?

Oh, let me at him, I'm gonna kill him.

- Calm down now, sweetheart, take it easy.

We'll take care of this imposter

in due course, I assure you.

Well now.

What do you guys propose?

- Take it away.

Here's what we're thinking, gramps.

We want you to take a
toke from that thing.

Do a little research, do a
little recon, report back to us.

(scoffing)

- You're insane.

- We need Eebee's help

to help get our friends
back, Bachman and Rabbit,

and to stop this invasion from happening.

- [Alien Bong] You
think I cannot hear you?

Fools!

- She's gotta know how to beat him.

- I don't know nothing about that fucker.

Except he's an asshole.

- You wanna get your hands
on some of that alien weed?

Then you're gonna help us out.

- Why the hell would I go in there?

- We've got what you want pops,

and you're not getting
it until you help us out.

Oh shit, damn strong.

- Yeah, indeed she is.

Grown from the finest stock.

So, here's the new plan.

While I could get greedy over the weedy

and take what I want,

I have to admit that I
too am a little curious.

So, you guys are gonna go
into the dragon's lair,

on this recon that you speak of,

and I'm gonna wait out
here and keep my eye out

on this, uh, stupid friend of yours.

- Dudes don't do it.

There's no way you can
trust this crank yanker.

- Let me assure you gentlemen,

that Nurse Hookah is well schooled

in all aspects of the deadly arts.

And she wouldn't hesitate
for one second to use them,

to extinguish yet another stupid dweeb.

- Another, you mean
she's done this before?

(karate screaming)

Not now, Larnell.

Perhaps we should do as he demands.

- [Larnell] This ain't right, Al.

- Agreed, but we have one
more demand of our own.

- And what might that be?

- We need Eebee to go with us.

- Out of the question.

- No, she's necessary for
the success of this mission.

- Oh, hell no.

- I wouldn't let them hurt you sweetheart,

you know that, never.

- Let's face it gramps, there
could be a whole lot more

of this space weed where that came from.

- Oh no you don't old man.

I know that look in your
eye when greed takes over.

- Just think of it Eebee.

We could get what we wanted.

An opportunity to take over the world

with the greatest source
of grass known to man.

Leading to the rise, the
unrivaled, unchecked rise

to fame and fortune of the good Dr. Weed.

- And you just gonna leave
me out on street, is that it?

- Oh, no sweetheart,
no, no, no, no, never.

- Typical, honkey motherfucker.

You gonna dump me for this
white piece of ass ain't ya?

- No, no, no, no, Nurse
Hookah has certain attributes,

but nothing to compare
with you sweetness, huh?

(light hopeful tune)

Sweetheart.

(giggling)

- Oh man, they're so gross.

- Let's clip it along gramps,
make out sess is over.

Let's do this thing.

- I'm gonna get you for this, hmm?

Doctor Viagra.

(psychedelic music)

(choking)

(dramatic music)

- Man, this thing creeps me out.

- It is only because your
simple mind cannot grasp

the untold power before you.

- Who are you calling simple?

- Excuse me, Junior,

I don't believe I gave you permission to.

- Fuck your permission, bro.

We gotta get in there.

Pardon me if I use my own stash
instead of that alien shit.

- Oh this thin, weak earthly
vegetation is an afront

to my senses, but do as you will.

- Oh I will Tarzan, I will.

- You offend me, you
disgust me, you repulse me.

Take me you worm.

- This bong has issues, dude.

- Yes.

(evil laughing)

Humans are such easy prey.

(screeching)

(quick whipping tone)

- Whoa.

(laughing)

Okay Al, your turn.

Come on Al, don't back out now.

- Oh, indeed, no.

Friends need saving, plus
think of the discovery.

- Whatever works for you, now suck it.

- Hmm, admirable.

Now join me in my world.

(laughing)

Let me blow your fragile mind.

(quick whipping tone)

(laughing)

- I hate to be the one to
break this to you Eebee,

but you're next.

- You're gonna get it,
you're gonna get it,

you're gonna get it!

- Silence, wench.

Let me take you.

- Whoa, I feel like I went to an orgy,

but nobody gave me the butter.

(laughing)

- A new day has dawned.

Soon our worlds will unite.

(chiming music)

(screaming)

(mechanical pulsing)

- Rabbit?

- They got me, man.

- What's that noise, bro?

- They got me hooked up.

- Oh, they're jizz milking you, Hoss.

- They want our seed, man.

- But this is some sick shit, bro.

- You gotta get this off of me.

- I am not touching that thing.

- What if they're raising our babies

to an army to invade Earth?

- That's a new one.

- Or maybe they're raising
our babies to eat them.

They're cannibals.

(sobbing)

Cannibals, oh the humanity!

- Calm it down dude, where's Bachman?

- They got him, they got him so far out.

- Hang tight.

(yelping)

- Don't leave me, man.

(sobbing)

No, don't leave me!

- You're not alone, talk to Jesus.

BRB.

(mumbling)

(sobbing)

(eerie music)

- The alien world, or the
bong world if you will,

seems to be comprised of
very little physical matter.

In here, this fog, these
meager furnishings,

seems to be contrived merely
to placate our human minds

and possibly nothing else.

Perhaps, in fact these images
have been taken from our minds

to serve no purpose except basically

to give us illusion for our own benefit.

Thus far, I have seen no sign

of Bachman, Larnell, or Rabbit.

Nor have I seen any sign
of any alien beings.

I have, although, discerned the sound

of what can only be described as

some kind of mechanical device.

Example.

(mechanical sucking)

- Hmm,

fascinating.

Moving on to investigate.

(eerie music)

There's most certainly
a machine at work here,

but I can't see anything in this foggy.

(grunting)

I seem to have tripped

on some living organism.

There's fluid running through it,

the fluid is being transferred
from somewhere else

into a series of vast jugs.

What it is or for what purpose,

I cannot understand yet
without further observation.

(mechanical pulsing)

(grunting)

The smell is unpleasant and
pronounced, to say the least.

The viscosity is similar
to that of a consistency

of a kind of material that
I, I'm not entirely sure of,

but it's absolutely disgusting and it.

Oh, my.

I seem to have encountered an alien being.

Female, by all accounts,
voluptuous in nature,

with a physical attractiveness an

average male might find appealing.

Is this the alien's true form,

or has her imagery been
plucked from my memory?

Although, I can't necessary
recall ever imagining

a naked woman with images painted on her

as if the brush strokes had been applied

by some of sexual tiger.

(kissing)

Oh my, the alien is amorous.

(recorder breaking)

Oh no, no, my field notes.

Wait, wait, no.

Oh my god, please, please, no.

(chiming music)

(laughing)

- It seems your friend has
made a scientific discovery.

(laughing)

- He is now one with the hive.

- The hive?

What the fuck?

- Yeah, yeah, hive.

Don't you know what a hive is, simpleton?

- Yeah, it's like for bees and shit.

(laughing)

- Bees and shit.

And all the insects, all
the insects of the earth.

Insects meaning humans, huh?

Am I correct?

- Rudimentary, but accurate.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(laughing)

You mean to assimilate us, hm?

Not necessarily invade and destroy us.

- Oh, uh, perhaps.

- You want to live among us,
share our world with us, eh?

Not rule over us, hm?

- That is one concept, yes.

(laughing)

- You see, boy?

You've been worried over nothing.

(laughing)

- How much of your weed you been smoking,

you stupid sag bag?

This bong is snowing you.

- I think I'm old enough to
be able to discern deception.

(laughing)

Even though my faculties
may be slightly impaired

because of certain hallucinatory elements.

(laughing)

Anybody got any pizza?

(laughing)

- Man, you better not be
smoking that super grass

that's growing on the counter.

You don't know what
that shit'll do to you.

- Don't make me out a fool, boy.

- Well you haven't been playing
this one too smart so far.

As far as I can tell you're playing

right in to this helium bot's
hands, or hoses, or whatever.

(laughing)

- I have it all under control.

(laughing)

- Shit, Larnell was right.

These aliens are gonna
totally work us over.

(laughing)

(moaning)

(mechanical pulsing)

- Bachman?

- Dude.

- Bach, what the hell?

- I've been probed, in my dong.

- I knew it.

- Hold up white boy.
(yelping)

You don't wanna be touching that shit.

- But I gotta help him?

- How?

Decorate your garden, use him for mulch?

- Listen, bitch, if you're not gonna

be constructive then zip it, alright?

- Just tryin to help.

- Well if you wanna help then
tell me what's happening here.

- Dude, they sucked me dry.

- He's right, this boy's seed is history.

His meat flute ain't
playing no more tunes, baby.

- My wacker's toast, bro.

- Just hang on, B, I'm gonna
think of something okay?

Eebee, how about some suggestions?

- Oh ho, so now you wanna
hear from me, is that it?

Done keeping a good woman down?

- I'm sorry for snapping, okay?

- Oppressive cracker.

- How about some ideas here, Eebee?

- Ideas wouldn't be a bad thing.

I wouldn't mind getting out

of here while the getting's good.

- So?

- Okay, look numb nuts.

These aliens want some human seed.

Don't know why, and I don't care.

My guess is they're raising a bunch

of imitation humans to help invade Earth.

- Yeah, kinda like in Invasion
of the Body Snatchers?

- With weed.

(yelping)

(gasping)

- Aw, shit monkey.

- Just hang tight there, B.

I'll get you out, somehow.

Watch my boy, Eebee.

- Oh yeah, I'll do that.

Idiot.

(static)

(mechanical pulsing)

(groaning)

- Al?

(groaning)

Oh, they got you by the groin, man.

- Larnell, you gotta help me.

I don't want them taking my essence.

- I totally get it, man,
that is some menses splooge.

Valuable shit on the black market.

- It just amounts to such
an extreme violation.

(groaning)

- Oh, it sounds as if another

has been brought into the folds.

(laughing)

- I don't know what you're
smiling about old man.

- It's very simple, you ignoramus, eh.

The aliens have their intentions set

on taking over the world, and I for one,

have no fear because
they are going to need

humans of higher learning
to give them assistance

in maintaining the earth
at a functioning level.

(laughing)

- And you think that's gonna be you?

- I know it's gonna be me.

(laughing)

Isn't that so, Mr. Alien Bong?

- Why of course it is.

- You're an idiot, you dirty old hippy.

(gasping)

- No!

Nurse, nurse, Nurse Hookah.

Oh, my.

Oh dear, oh dear.

- Damn, she's got a hard noggin.

- Stop!

- What the fuck?

It's time to take it out.

- And you think that's
the best thing to do?

- Fucking this thing up's

the best idea I've had in a long time.

- Then how are you gonna get
in there and help your friends?

- Okay, maybe you've got a good point.

- Wise decision, though
ultimately doomed for failure.

- We'll see about that.

(eerie music)

- Yes, put your lips on
that you pathetic maggot.

(water bubbling)

(laughing)

(quick whipping tune)

- Buy a kingdom for a hard on.

Hello?

Can you, well, I am spent.

There's way no two ways about it, I am.

- Rabbit.

Dude you look like shit.

What happened?

- Those alien bong chicks.

They attacked me.

- Dude, you didn't learn
anything from last time?

With the poontang?

- Poontang.

- You gotta abstain.

Restrain, resist temptation.

Come on you idiot.

(dramatic music)

(moaning)

- What the hell?

Bachman?

- Bro, things ain't going so good.

- No, not so good.

(moaning)

You're a fucking Chia Pet.

- Ch-ch-ch Chia.

- You got screwed.

- No shit.

You gotta get this stuff off of me, bro.

- Uh-uh, dude, I'm out of here.

Rabbit.

- Don't be a pussy, man.

(laughing)

- Rabbit.

Come on.

- Guys, come on man.

(mechanical pulsing)

(groaning)

- Holy shit, it's Al.

(dramatic music)

- What do you think this thing is?

Some kind of alien weapon or something?

- Uh-uh, Brett, uh, Brett.

- I'm gonna take these cock knockers out.

(yelling)
- Brett I wouldn't do.

(shattering)

(yelling)

- That has some of those boys down.

- Brother, I hate to break this to you,

but you do not want to know what that is

you got all over you.

- What?

- Jizz.

- Oh sick, sick fuck, fuck.

- Hey, it's not so bad, it's not so bad.

It's just a little of mine,
and a little of Bachman's.

- That's my semen.

(screaming)

- Dudes.

- Bro, look at this shit.

- You got space wank all over you babe.

- What's happening to Al?

- They still got him hooked up,

they're milking him pretty good, too.

(groaning)

(zapping)

- Mmhmm, they want that smart jizz.

That's what they want.

They're thinking they can
take over the world faster

with smarts than with stupid.

Gotta stop them.

- I think what she's referring
to is that our manhoods

is lacking in certain
intellectual properties.

- Oh who gives a fuck,
let's just get out of here?

- What about brother Al?

- I've never felt so alive.

I'm in so much pain.

It's cosmic.

- Hold my bone.

Be strong for me, Al, this
might sting a little bit.

(groaning)

- Ow.

(mumbled whispering)

(karate screaming)

- I normally don't hit a
lady, but you ain't no ladies.

- Your joint, sir.

That was monkey.

- Uh, it was drunken monkey.

- Right on, Al.

Look at me, Al.

On three, one.

(screaming)

- Oh god.

(groaning)

- Now let's get that alien bong.

- And just how do you propose
we do that, spunky monkey?

We're here in god knows where

and that thing's back in the head shop.

- I got an idea, I got an idea.

- What you got, Eebee?

- We gotta cause us a chain reaction.

- Wait, wait, wait.

I think she has something here.

I mean the effect of the bong, you know,

reaches between both worlds.

Maybe somehow we can reverse the process.

- Yeah, but how?

- Well, I figure we need
a really strong catalyst,

you know something to
jump start the process.

- What did you have in mind?

(smooth music)

- Yeah, yeah.

Yes, yes, yes!

- What?

- You could be the catalyst.

- Catalyst?

- The conduit.

That right, Al?

- Correct.

(laughing)

- Hey, you're the walrus.

- Coo coo ca choo.

(psychedelic music)

(karate screaming)

(muttering)

- Alright boys, let's fire this puppy up.

- Huh?

No way, no, no, no, no.

- Yes way, play like a
champion for me Bach.

- No, no, no, no, no.

(blowing)

Hot, hot, hot, hot.

- Total team player dude.

(groaning)

- It's hot, hot.

Sucks.

(high pitched tone)

(chiming)

(moaning)

- No, no!

My female units!

My force!

- What's the matter?

- Those worms, those bugs.

They're using my weapons against me.

Those scum, those insignificant parasites.

- Yes, yes, I've been saying

the same thing myself for years now.

Especially in the case of these cretins.

Extremely difficult to
exterminate parasites.

- [Alien Bong] No!

(scoffing)

(eerie music)

- Now it's time we send

a message to the man, the bong in charge.

- Dude, give me the honors.

- Dude, you wanna toke yourself?

- If you want something done right.

That's right, light it up.

Lean on over.

(groaning)

Give me a doobie, doobie, doobie.

- Take your medicine.

- [Brett] Suck Bach.

With any luck.

(mechanical pulsing)

(coughing)

(dramatic tones)

- No, no, no!

(electric pulsing)

(explosion)

- That could have gone better.

(electric pulsing)

(explosion)

(screaming)

- [Bachman] Some pussy landed in my face.

- Praise the Lord.

- Well, looks like you did it again,

you stupid mother fuckers.

- We did it.

- Once again, I gotta thank
what's in the good book.

(psychedelic tones)

- Dude, I needed that shower.

My clothes got pretty jizzy.

- Well I for one could
go the rest of my life

without another alien invasion.

- The one spot I gotta agree with you.

- We might not have any choice, dudes.

Those Area 51 aliens are gonna get out,

no joke, and they are gonna be pissed.

- I think that conspiracy theory

has run its particular course, Larnell.

- Not at all, Al.

How do you think you'd feel
if you'd been force fed

malt balls for the past 60 years?

- Fat asses won't be able
to get out of their own way,

let alone be any threat to us.

- Amen to that, brothers.

(video game dinging)

- Shit, it's Luann.

- What about the restraining order?

- Think she cares about that?

Chick's obsessed.

(video game beeping)

- These are for you, my sexy flower.

(farting)

- Sorry, I got angry ass again today.

(sniffing)

(soft upbeat music)

- I want you now.

Stud.

(reggae beat)

- What?

It's been a bit of a dry spell.

- Get 'em, champ.

Hey, at least he has somebody.

Wish I could run into Velicity again.

- You ought to look her up when

you're in the neighborhood,
of South America.

- [Bachman] You guys smell something?

- Somebody order pizza?

- Velicity?

What are you doing here?

- Oh, would you rather I go?

- Fuck no.

I mean, of course not.

- Well don't just stand
there like an idiot.

(upbeat music)

- Man, I have missed you a ton.

Been dating the five sisters
on Palm Street every night.

(laughing)

But seriously, what are you doing here?

- Well, when your grandfather
disappeared in South America,

so did my pay checks.

He was paying me after all,

so I decided I could
use a change of scenery.

So I left one jungle for
another, and here I am.

- That's great.

How long you plan on staying?

- Well, that sorta depends.

- Depends on what?

(upbeat music)

I imagine you're gonna be
staying for quite a while, then.

(upbeat music)

- Brett, what's wrong?

I am so ready for you.

- I'm not sure I can do this anymore.

- What do you mean, snuggle bug?

- Well, you made me feel
bad about myself before.

I thought you like me for who I am.

- Oh.

I love you for who you are, hot stuff.

You are so hot.

Stuff.

- That's just the point.

You know, I like who I am now too.

But you were repulsed by me
when I was a little bigger.

I'm still the same guy on the inside.

- Oh you are so cute with
your little emotions.

Oh, those days are gone, right hunky?

And this is now.

And I want you so bad.

(upbeat music)

- I guess you're right,
I'm just being silly.

- Of course I am.

So show me the goods,

beef cake.

- It's a pleasure.

(screaming)

(horror music)

- What's wrong, baby cakes?

- What about grandpa?

- Gramps, we forgot him.

(eerie music)

(playful music)

- There we have it, Nurse Hookah.

Gaze upon it.

What is it?

It's very simple.

Destiny!

(laughing)

(uplifting music)

♫ I think God smokes weed

♫ And he was high when he made me

♫ I can feel it in my DNA

♫ I think God smokes weed

♫ And he was high when he made me

♫ And I think he gave up halfway

(reggae beat)

♫ Boy I was complete as I understand

♫ God was making a mess
of the man he planned

♫ In the face of defeat,

♫ He smoked a helping hand

♫ And said I'll just
put him in a reggae band

♫ I feel it in the beat
when I'm on the stand

♫ Feel it in my feet when I'm on the sand

♫ I see it in the
sunsets that might expand

♫ Into your mind so you'll understand

♫ I think God smokes weed

♫ And he was high when he made me

♫ I can feel it in my DNA

♫ I think God smokes weed

♫ And he was high when he made me

♫ And I think he gave up halfway

(reggae beat)

♫ Back in Catholic school till my memory

♫ It made me a feel a
fool through humility

♫ It said that God's
available consistently

♫ Except for the one time
you dropped that seed

♫ I hear that God's in
you and me and all we see

♫ Assuming all the actions of my own body

♫ If that's the way it
is then you must agree,

♫ Every time we rock the ganj so does he

♫ I think God smokes weed

♫ And he was high when he made me

♫ I can feel it in my DNA

♫ I think God smokes weed

♫ And he was high when he made me

♫ And I think he gave up halfway ♫

(reggae beat)