Original subtitles

- JERBOA MOUSE: La Biennale Di Venezia presents

Mickey House with Mummy.

And me, a movie star,

a celeb with mucho problemos.

What an eye opener, what an honour.

You're out of your depths, you're in way over your head.

Here's the deal, I advise, I assist,

you fuck off, you listen to me,

listen to me, you listen to me, run!

Don't eat me, no, no, no, no.

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

The film from Kuba Czekaj and friends.

Produced by Balapolis.

Baby Bump.

[LAUGHING]

Where have your tickles got to?

I'm not ticklish.

Since when?

When?

When? When?

Nice?

Neatly squared away.

Like three cubes of sugar.

Once, two, three.

Is that so hard to remember?

Once, two, three.

Once, two, three.

My little sugar lump.

Mine, mine, mine.

You're all mine.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Applaud.

Applaud.

Now, come on, come on,

do as I say.

Do it.

[CLAPS]

- TV ANNOUNCER: Its time to begin another unique

and happy days work with Beauty Bella Online Shopping.

Retail therapy where you shop and never drop.

Watch our sincere and heartfelt welcome video.

After that, you'll be redirected to our breathtakingly,

stunning adverts.

Are you ready for this?

Relax, take a deep breath and open yourself,

mind and body.

Be spontaneous, be emotional,

watch, evaluate and then.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Well, you could come up with a greeting,

couldn't you?

You know, shake hands, give me five,

hi, how's tricks, how you doing?

I come to your rescue, come to help you out

and what do I get?

Well?

What?

- Hi?

- TV PRESENTER: No more slashed fingers

and whatever you need to cut, our electric knife

will slice through it for you in a flash.

Pure beauty is the very essence of innocence

and virginity.

As the droplets fall to the ground,

they never come into contact with the soil, never.

Has a positive impact on our wellbeing.

[CHEWING]

But is simply thinking about a bar of chocolate enough?

- JERBOA MOUSE: Three threes are nine.

Nine sweet lumps for Mummy.

- TV PRESENTER: Choose our vagina cream with its appealing.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Do what you have to do

and take it into her.

[WHISTLING]

[SNIFFING]

They're still visible, they're still visible.

- TV PRESENTER: There's no more efficient way

of giving rid of that unwanted hair.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Cool, got up late,

you're exactly who you want to be.

Nobody.

You have to cut, cut away, sever.

Concentrate, concentrate on yourself.

Cut, cut off, cut away.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

What're you doing?

Umm... standing here... And having a drink.

So drink! Drink, drink, drink!

I like you. I'll show you my tits.

You can have a look. But it'll cost you marshmallows.

And no grabbing.

[FARTS]

Gotta go pooh. No wiping. See ya'. Sayonara.

- Get a whiff of that.

Is that the gas from a mouse

or is the crap from the crappy crap house?

No its Mickey House, he's a sticky louse,

he never ever ever leaves the house.

Mickey House is such a bad mouse.

Get right away from us,

sticky Mickey House mouse.

- JERBOA MOUSE: And.

And that's supposed to be a pleasure?

Girls.

[BELL RINGS]

[BEEPING]

- Move. - Move forward.

[BEEPING]

What's going on?

I haven't got anything! Really.

Look.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

- JERBOA MOUSE: Just don't cry, that's all.

Cross your eyes cause they'll see through you.

They'll see how rotten and filthy you are.

Run for it Mickey, your clients are waiting.

Stinks like fuck.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Run.

Give her a big smile, you know you can do it.

[BEAT BOXING]

- Give a whiff of that, is that a gas from a mouse?

- Or is it that crap from the crappy crap house?

- No, it's Mickey House, he's a stinky louse,

he never ever ever leaves the house.

Mickey Mouse, he's Jerboa Mouse,

get right away from us, sticky Mickey House mouse.

What's new with you mummy?

She's a hot bitch, ain't she?

I don't know.

You don't know?

But I do.

Your ma's a red-hot mama.

I'd give her one.

- Massage! - Fuck off!

My fingers are hurting.

Hey! See how my skin's all dry.

Haven't you got any oil? Or, I dunno... gloves with a fleecy lining?

Have you lost the fucking plot? That's scalding!

You got it?

Tomorrow.

What d'you mean, tomorrow?

Today.

Today and I'll have it tomorrow. I'm working on it.

Fucking ace.

And what if the pigs know more than they're saying?

What about?

Watch it.

That I've got some fucking residue between my fingers. And blisters.

You morons even fucking know what blisters are?

The pigs just make like they know something.

They don't know dick.

Lie down.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Lie down.

He won't do anything to you, just lie there awhile

and they'll be gone before you know it.

Leave him be. He's an eco-hero.

Saved half the school. Eats eco-lettuce, eco-cabbage and eco-carrots

and takes a fucking bath in liquid shit.

You done?

Just wanted to be nice.

OK.

Tomorrow, before the bell. Same place as always. Right?

Yes.

Here. Buy yourself some cucumbers.

Some cheese.

- JERBOA MOUSE: I'm running away.

Or some eco.

Or some bio.

- JERBOA MOUSE: First the ears, now the tail,

my almost soulmate.

[RAP MUSIC]

Shouldn't you be in class?

- JERBOA MOUSE: You should be,

but holding back when you need to urinate is unhealthy.

I'm going for a pee.

Fill it. Sign it. Give it to the nurse.

Signed?

This yours?

Say hello to your mum.

Tell her "Hey, there!".

- "Hey there?" - "Hi."

Or, how about... "ciao".

Watch it.

Do you have an appointment, sir?

- JERBOA MOUSE: Not yet.

Collect a sack full of cash and then get the ears sorted.

Will you help me pin it? I won the poster competition.

How many marshmallows can you fit in your mouth?

I can do ten.

You heard this one?

What stinks of cunt and arse, and cheesy feet and all?

Mickey Houses tighty whities, rolled up tightly in a ball.

Not quite the joke of the year, but LOL, right?

- JERBOA MOUSE: I never did like that bitch.

Look.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Full screen please.

[MEOWING]

What've they arrested him for?

Grass or something.

Give me Fly Algaric.

It fucks my head up good, but it makes me sweat like a pig.

Will he end up in court?

Come off it. No. They'll bang him up at once.

He's the first. They'll do the whole make-an-example shit.

They're turning everyone inside out now.

Where d' you buy your rubber johnnies?

That shop on the corner.

Where they've got that Italian week at the moment.

No?

I don't believe it.

He's split your ciabatta?

Stuck his pepperoni in, but farted on that I stung him like a lemon.

Lemon?

Yeah, really got to me, too.

Got snitty and hadn't even got his rocks off.

Pebbles, more like.

Plenty of rampant undergrowth at base camp, but had trouble pushing on to the peak.

Shrimp.

We need more rubber johnnies.

I've got some rubbers. Me! Me!

You said you had some drawing pins.

- JERBOA MOUSE: You just don't get it,

you really don't.

It's all happening, right? And I'm recording the lot! Everything!

Homo. Gay. Queer. Queen.

I didn't want to say a queer, a queen, or a gay.

Just a real man. Remote and inaccessible.

- Is this your homework?

Okay, read it.

- What would you like to be when you're grown up?

[ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

I would like to be

a shadow.

- Shadow.

- Shadow don't have smell, scum,

to walk or stand still.

But always on the pavement.

- Pavement.

[ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

- Its never disturb nobody.

- Disturbs.

- Just nobody pay no attention to it.

Shadow always is black.

Sometimes big, sometimes small

but shadow decides when it will change

and when it don't.

[ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

- Wow.

That was amazing man.

It was great, I don't know if you felt

the connection between the guitar and your voice.

But do you want to be a shadow

or the shadow?

Class, the.

- ALL: The.

- The, the, the, the, the.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Fuck off.

Count to three.

One, two, three.

You're looking great. How're you doing?

I'm doing great. I did great yesterday and the day before yesterday.

I'll be great tomorrow and all week.

We see each other every day. Can we get started?

Well, what do you fancy?

The vaginal cream.

Want to rub it in?

You bet.

I'm just dreaming of creaming it on. It's the max.

Seriously mega.

Come on. Make a bit of an effort.

20 € for 30 minutes viewing and an opinion. That's good money.

It's a nice colour.

OK, it looks like chocolate whip.

I can even believe it's rich-tasting.

But only in the dispenser. On the finger it looks like shit, shit, shit.

Can you really eat it?

Apply it to your vagina and then lick your fingers?

It's gross.

Can't I put it in a mail to you?

No you can't. You know very well that we're interested in direct contact

and a direct relationship with the potential customer.

You're spontaneous...

and emotional.

- Want to add anything? - Must I?

20 €.

- The close-ups. - Like them?

No.

Shit, shit, shit, everlastingly dripping onto that finger.

It looks like someone wiped their backside with their hand.

Let's talk about something nicer.

- JERBOA MOUSE: A woman's razor.

Sanitary towels.

Date me.

OK. I'm OK.

OK, OK, OK.

- JERBOA MOUSE: 372, 41.

All you're missing is.

- What? - Money.

Hunt.

Hunt. Hunt. Hunt.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Just about the whole sum.

You've imagined that before, haven't you?

Own up, you pervert.

You little pervert, you teeny weeny pervert, you.

You didn't give me a goodbye kiss.

Or a good morning kiss.

And you left without a word.

That's three kisses as a punishment.

Here. Here.

And here.

What's wrong?

I'd give her one.

Knee pads?

Want a... a banana?

You glued your ears down again.

I've asked you not to. It hurts.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Ew how revolting can you get?

Its as sticky as glue.

Wash your hands, wash.

Your fingers'll get stuck together again,

you don't wash enough, wash yourself.

Scrub yourself, hard, harder.

Open the door.

Come on! Open the door!

[THUNDERING]

- JERBOA MOUSE: Like two peas in a pod.

Just look at those ears.

The largest in the entire cemetery.

Three cubes of sugar, nice.

Not.

Where've you been?

You'll catch a cold. Get those filthy rags off.

- JERBOA MOUSE: See what you've done.

Get undressed and apologize.

Apologize, apologize.

Please! Please!

I'll never do it again!

Mum, I'll never do it again! Really. Really and truly, Mum.

Mum, I'll never do it again!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Mummy!

I'm sorry.

I told you to get out of those soaking wet rags.

Didn't I?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Promise that you'll never get on a scooter again.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Swear.

I swear.

And?

And I promise.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

Where's the ciabatta?

Go get some rolls. I'll make us pepperoni ciabatta for supper.

On the billboard. At a reduced price.

- JERBOA MOUSE: So actually, what is a ciabatta?

Cunt or ass?

Come here! Quickly! Something's bitten me!

Right.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Ew, a zit,

a pure blackhead.

Press.

Squeeze, help her!

[GROANING]

Congratulations.

[CLAPPING]

- JERBOA MOUSE: Your forehead celebrates its first zit.

It's begun.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Unfortunately.

My little zitikins.

[GAGGING]

- JERBOA MOUSE: You're a zit, a blackhead,

you're pus, shit, runny poop,

a big hard turd.

- Can't we meet? Please. ...No. I don't want to.

That's all we ever do. Can't we just see each other?

Go somewhere, anywhere. Sit, stand. Please.

No. No, I don't want to. OK, wait a moment. Don't cut me off.

Are you there? You're there. OK.

Is this what you're looking for? Glue, glue, glue?

Yes, yes, yes!

Give it to me!

There'll be no more of this!

Give it to me. Mummy! Please!

How am I supposed to go to school?

Since when do you like going to school?

I don't like it. But I have to.

- JERBOA MOUSE: You have to cut, cut away,

sever and make money, earn, earn, earn.

You have to look after me.

I'm sick.

I don't feel well.

How's the knee?

- JERBOA MOUSE: Show her, go on, show her.

Mega knee!

[SCREAMS]

[GROANS]

- JERBOA MOUSE: Change your body, change your life,

just do it.

Do you have an appointment, sir?

- JERBOA MOUSE: Its now or never.

They've started coming away and getting sort of longer.

For several days now, I've been feeling... and hearing, something crunching.

And there's the constant pain. The lack of sensation. The scar.

There's even been some bleeding.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Bleeding?

The wound hasn't healed completely yet.

Two weeks after the procedure is a bit early for caressing...

- JERBOA MOUSE: Breasts?

...breasts.

- JERBOA MOUSE: You're erecting the tent,

raising the mast, something's wrong,

I thought you were back to health.

Are you there?

I can hear you.

You haven't flushed the toilet and you're writing with soiled fingers.

I should report you.

Failing to carry out your employer's instructions is a serious transgression.

Do what I say.

Turn on the camera.

I want to see your hair.

Short.

Dirty.

You've had a cold.

For a week.

Shabby track suit.

Crisps. Cheap.

Own-brand from a supermarket.

Greasy fingers.

Show them to me.

Show me how you do it.

Show me how you rub yourself.

You like it.

You tart. You screwing slut.

You grab the vibrator.

Swallow the cum.

Just turn the fucking camera on.

Turn on that fucking camera.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Turn the fucking camera on

and tell him to fuck off.

Good afternoon.

Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

[KNOCKING]

Is your son at home?

My son's at school.

- At school? - At school. Where else?

At home... what's your home situation like?

Normal.

Do you live with your husband? Does your son have contact with his father?

We're getting divorced.

It must be very difficult for you. I'm getting divorced, too.

Everyone's getting divorced these days.

There are more serious problems than that.

Such as?

What?

Drugs.

That's not our problem.

Until it affects those dearest to us.

I'm not with you.

Drugs.

What are you getting at?

We're running urine tests at the school. At the principal's request.

Urine?

The parents were notified at a meeting. Didn't you know anything about it, ma'am?

- I knew. I work long hours. - Where?

In urine... from home. What's this, an interrogation?

Take it easy, please.

We're carrying out a routine check on the presence of drugs in the pupils' urine.

It's nothing major.

But the most curious thing is...

...that the results of the tests coincide.

The samples come from one person.

What're you suggesting?

We suspect that someone's using the situation and dealing in...

...urine?

- JERBOA MOUSE: Bingo.

Just a few pupils haven't handed in a sample.

- Your son's one of them, ma'am. - My son's a good boy.

Polite, obedient, doing well at school.

He doesn't cause trouble and he doesn't get into fights.

- JERBOA MOUSE: My, my, my, what's to be done?

You're cunt, a cowering cunt with your head hung low.

A cunt who can't say no.

A cunt who can't stand her ground.

A cowardly stinking cunt.

Cunt, cuntet, cuntetta, cuntabatta, ciabatta.

Here's my card. For your collection.

If you decide you want to add something. Or if, for instance, you feel...

Loneliness and yearning?

Should such a need occur.

Goodbye.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Knock, knock.

Did you want to give me a cuddle?

Right now, I'd like you to take this.

For the urine sample.

And keep an eye on your son.

- JERBOA MOUSE: They're gonna do it again?

Do it?

Would you like a cup of tea?

I expect you're hungry.

I'll make a pepperoni ciabatta.

Nice, thick slices. No cheating.

Well, Officer?

I'm running on empty.

Haven't had so much as a lick of a lollipop.

Neither have I.

Excuse me, but you're Officer...?

Lieutenant.

Mr Lieutenant.

Lieutenant will do.

Come in, Mr... Lieutenant.

I thank you.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Yep, black and curly.

What have the times come to?

Fools going to the dogs, hair in the pepperoni.

What?

A bit of thread.

I sewed up the hole in the knee.

What's happened to the lock?

It kept on jamming, so I unscrewed it.

Here. Go on. Take it.

Give it here.

- Come on, give it here! - No.

Lollipop! Come here, sugar lump.

Come and wash my back for me.

There's bubbles. There's loads of foam, like always.

Come on, sugar lump.

- JERBOA MOUSE: In.

Nice?

- JERBOA MOUSE: Answer with conviction

No.

and behave nicely, just a moment longer.

Just a little moment more.

A moment, it'll soon be over.

Its nothing bad, just seems that way to you.

Every boy in the world washes his mother's back.

Its normal.

Chill.

It'll be cool.

Its not normal.

Its abnormal.

Its sick.

But get on with it.

That'll do.

Where are you getting the money from?

What money?

What money? The money in the drawer.

My drawer, my money.

You will sign this neatly.

You will take it into school tomorrow.

And you will put a stop to it.

To what?

You know very well what.

What're their names?

Whose names?

You know very well whose.

You will sign it. You will hand it in.

And you will stop.

What you've been doing.

Signed?

Mr Lieutenant.

I've come to check the latest results of the urine tests.

Say hello to your mum. And take care of her.

She's under a lot of stress.

She's sleepy and, you know...

She's hypersensitive.

She doesn't eat properly.

- JERBOA MOUSE: He found all that out over

a few pepperoni ciabattas?

I'll make a pepperoni ciabatta.

Arsehole!

Watch it.

- JERBOA MOUSE: That bitch again can't be helped.

Okay, full screen.

I'm late coming on.

You're lucky it's not dripping out of you.

Like happened to me, all over those swivel chairs in IT.

When I had a lesson a week later, the stain was still there.

And the boys saw sanitary towels in my backpack.

I remember! They pulled it out and started mucking around with it.

I thought I'd wet myself. Serious shit.

Serious shit.

Serious shit.

That's real problems. That's real life.

I think I'll be a journalist.

Wanna share a drink with me. From the same straw?

It's all chemicals.

The chemistry's between you 'n me.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Its love.

More's the pity, she can't smell any stinks,

any poop, any shit, any turds.

They look OK with the chewing gum. Not so flattened.

[RAP MUSIC]

Oh! It's Jerboa Mouse.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Don't trust her,

she's a rotten, worm-riddled peach,

a mouldy pear, a putrid papaya.

[SCREAMS]

I'm running away, I'm running away,

I'm running with all my might,

don't eat me, no, no, no.

A defenceless little animal.

If it shrieked, it wouldn't get eaten.

It did shriek.

Not loudly enough.

See, my life's as fucked up as yours.

- TV PRESENTER: Mice aren't people.

They don't make conscious decisions that affect them.

Left to themselves, they reproduce increasingly.

Population about important for survival.

Mating is the help for the preservation of the species.

- JERBOA MOUSE: That love needs killing.

[SOFT MUSIC]

Someone has to die.

Sad people are always good.

If they came back to life,

they certainly wouldn't do anything to you.

They wouldn't make fun of you.

But they've got it great.

They're sad and dead.

You're sad and you have to live.

You've gotta do something.

Do something.

Just like you and me.

You.

Ripped to shreds.

I love you too.

And I'll love you even more if you get rid of Mummy.

Poisonous, you bet.

[ROCK MUSIC]

[COUGHING]

What're those leaves for?

We're having bouillon.

[ROCK MUSIC]

- JERBOA MOUSE: Now.

[SOFT MUSIC]

[BUZZING]

- Where's your exercise book?

The dog ate it.

- JERBOA MOUSE: You've got a dog?

And what's "dog" in English?

- Dog.

- A dog, very good.

And the dog goes woof.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Wonder what you'll get?

I'll tell you, dick all, that's what.

Hairy, stinking dick all for a hairy,

stinking dick head dick for

a festering, slithering pepperoni.

Stop it!

- Stop it!

- And the dog goes woof, and the dog goes woof.

And the cat goes meow, and the cat goes meow.

And the cow goes moo, and the cow goes moo.

[BELL RINGS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[GROWLING]

- JERBOA MOUSE: I don't know what's worse,

the fact that your Mummy's flanking,

which is to say, dick.

[SCREAMING]

Pork sword, hairy woof.

Or the fact that you're starting to look like,

Mummy.

You're all girl, pussy, cunt, slithery ciabatta.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

[GROWLING]

- JERBOA MOUSE: Agender, transgender,

gender non-comformist, gender questioning,

other, none, hermaphrodite, androgyny, trans.

Just like a real box of chocolates.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

A towel. Gimme a towel.

A towel. No, no, not a towel. It'll leave a stain. Traces. Spoor.

These things happen to us boys. Get the iron.

Get it yourself.

I've got a few more interventions. They've gotta be dry.

See you on the chat... to finish what we've started?

You're looking good. How're you doing?

I'm doing great. I'm spontaneous and I'm emotional.

Not even 20 000 € would be enough for looking at you in that state.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Where are you off to in such a hurry?

Where, out with it, where?

Who to?

What have you got to offer anyone?

There's this boy who posted this video on the Internet.

Of him getting 10 marshmallows into his mouth.

And I can get 11 in. I've beaten his record.

I've got new footage.

People like atrocity.

They looked weird stuck down.

I've managed to get used to them sticking out. And you?

Kind of.

So when are you having the operation?

You're doing it, right? I heard it hurts hideously. I'd never do it.

I've heard that if you don't have an operation, they get even bigger.

You know what? I like you. Really.

We've had our ups and downs, but I can show you.

I'll show you for nothing. I'm doing a special offer. For free.

But here and now. You can touch them. Jiggle them. Want to?

Everyone wants to. Don't worry. You just need to freeze them.

The ears. Not the tits. They fall off by themselves.

No pain and no blood. Here you are.

Use to cut off the flow of water by freezing it.

That's what it says on the can.

Since it freezes pipes, it'll freeze ears, too.

Take it. From me to you. A gift. A helping hand.

Take it. I saved up. Earned. Bought it for you.

I love you.

And there's this, too.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Ecstasy.

It's magic.

I know, I know, it goes against you world view,

you're clean, you help people, you eat good,

cigarettes are shit, you don't use.

But hey, why not, what's the harm?

None, not anymore, this time you'll succeed.

Maybe.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

She can do what she likes with you.

She's got the power.

You can't let her do that, its cannibalism, tell her.

Go on, go on, tell her,

tell her, give it to her straight.

Bon appétit.

- JERBOA MOUSE: Strong and menacing.

Like you.

Not.

Where d'you get that piss?

The piss. Who d'you buy it from?

It's mine.

From my bladder.

Pregnant, are you?

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Yes.

Yes.

You cook up. You smoke. You swallow. And chase and snort.

What is it and who's it from? Out with it. Come on!

Syrup from my mum. Sedative.

I haven't overdosed. I'm not hallucinating.

I feel great. My hearing's fine.

When I get worked up, I can't pee. And I get worked up a lot, get it?

I didn't want any trouble, so I asked a girl, 'cos none of the boys are my friends.

Can I go now?

- JERBOA MOUSE: I'm well impressed.

You go on like that and I'll be out of a job

and have to shut up for all time.

Don't do that to me, please.

S'il vous plaît, pretty please.

I'll be good.

- Stop it!

[CHOKING]

You're a zit, a blackhead, shit, runny poop, a big, hard turd.

A stinking dick! A hairy pepperoni!

- Pepperoni, hm?

Smell that?

- Um what?

- Get a whiff of that?

- Is that the gas from a mouse?

- Ass.

- Or is it that crap from the crappy crap House?

- No, Jerboa Mouse, what a sticky louse.

- Louse, huh?

You're not here.

You're not here.

And you never were.

[CRYING]

You don't exist.

- No, no, no, no, no, have mercy.

Get back to the television!

- Not the television, no!

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ Revenge is good

♪ Revenge tastes fine

♪ I feel much better every time I get mine

♪ Revenge

[CRYING]

Giddy up!

Onwards! Onwards!

What're you doing?

Nestling it, because it's cold. Incubating it. Hatching it.

Someone has to. Something has to hatch out of it. See how happy it is.

- It's mine! - It likes it. The egg likes it.

- No it doesn't! - It does.

You like covering up under 2 quilts when you go to sleep. So does the egg.

- No it doesn't. - Yes it does.

- It does! - No it doesn't.

- Does! Does! Does! - Doesn't! Doesn't! Doesn't!

Does that feel good?

[SCREECHING]

Shut up.

Stop talking to me. Shut your face!

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]

[BUZZING]

[SOFT MUSIC]

[BREAKING SHELL]

[GLASS BREAKING]

Good morning. I've got a broken window pane.

Can you replace it?

OK. I'll be waiting

[SOFT MUSIC]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Hello. On today's programme we're answering questions from our telly-viewing girlies.

My guests are experts. Real women.

Question:

My tits aren't getting any bigger. They're lazy. I'm trying so hard.

I measure them every day. I'm gonna kill myself. Cheers.

Dear Telly-Viewer Girl, eat loads of ham. And buy yourself a push-up bra.

Scarf down bananas. Mega-masses of them. And make a banana mask.

An egg yolk, a banana and three tablespoons of milk.

Mash it all together and slap it on.

And, like, drink loads of milk, too.

Don't forget to slather your boobs with olive oil. Like, every day.

That's what I did and just get a load of these melons.

Wrong. Bananas. Bananas are just s-o-o-o crucial, I'm telling you.

Thank you. This was me, your journalist and my guestie-westies.

♪ I spread my legs

♪ Looks like I'm prayin'

♪ I fold my hands with a rosary

♪ I have your picture, down

♪ Down in my panties

♪ Cause I have sacred dreams with lips like cherries

♪ I spread my legs

♪ Looks like I'm prayin

♪ I fold my hands with a rosary

♪ I have your pictures down

♪ Down in my panties

♪ Cause I have sacred dreams with lips like cherries

♪ Its not a happy, happy song

♪ A happy, happy song

♪ Its not a happy, happy song

♪ A happy, happy song

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ I spread my white sheets

♪ It feels like heaven

♪ I take a knife with a diamond blade

♪ I hear my heart jumping, tears of rosary

♪ Cause you feel lucky

♪ Like big old cherries

♪ I spread my white sheets

♪ It feels like heaven

♪ I take a knife with a diamond blade

♪ I hear my heart jumping, tears of rosary

♪ Cause you feel lucky and those big old cherries

♪ Its not a happy, happy song

♪ A happy, happy song

♪ Its not a happy, happy song

♪ A happy, happy song

♪ Its not a happy, happy song

♪ A happy, happy song

♪ Its not a happy, happy song

♪ A happy, happy song

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

♪ Revenge

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ Revenge is good

♪ Revenge tastes fine

♪ I feel much better every time I get mine

♪ Revenge

[CRYING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]