All language subtitles for Noenguliet (2023)

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- Did you get all that?

- Oh, I got it.

And I plan on using
it as evidence

when the men in
the white lab coats

finally come to take you home.

- Hey, it's for science,
my psychology final,

a study in the willingness
for humans to engage in joy.

- Does it matter

that classes don't
start till tomorrow

or that you haven't signed up

for a psych class this semester?

- I might take one someday.

Besides, be prepared, that's
the Girl Scout's motto.

- That's the Boy Scout's motto.

- Then what's the Girl Scout's?

- Eat more cookies.

- You know?

Can you believe how many
people wouldn't dance?

- I know.

It was like there was an
outbreak of sanity on campus.

- Dance like no one
is watching people!

- Says the girl that had
me record said dancing.

- Dance like no one but
Kate is watching, people.

- That'll make all
the difference.

Ooh.
- Ooh, is it in there?

- Hmm hmm.

- Oh, come on.
- Aw.

- Hey, any chance you saw this?

- Juliet? I read
everything she writes.

Her romance column got
me through freshman year.

- So you like this
Juliet person?

Tell me what is she
saying this time?

- Sure, there are walls
between men and women,

but the true Romeo
leaps the garden walls

waiting for that true love,

the one willing
to risk the blade,

is the only road to happiness.

Women, wait for the real Romeo.

- I love hearing
those words out loud.

So tell me, is this
bordering on genius

or like extreme genius?

- Oh, good grief, shameless.

- We will talk later.

- Next, you'll be
signing autographs.

- Have my 8x10s ready to go.

- The anonymous love guru.

- You should try
romance, sometime.

- I did once.

Bobby Butler, second grade.

It was the worst
half hour of my life.

I still think I have
cooties.

I was kidding about the cooties.

- I've gotta go home.

- Is everything okay?
- Yes!

- Dorms that way.

- Home,
home, I'll text you.

- Hi!
- Mom.

- You're back home already.

How quickly did you go
through your laundry, hmm?

You're a finalist.

- That's right!

Read it and weep,
journalism world.

- The Pealy Scholarship?

That's a full ride
to grad school.

- Really?

You'd think I would know that

since I'm the one
that applied, but.

- Sorry, this is
a lot to process.

Is this from your columns?

- I think so.

Professor Murrow said my
articles might be enough

to put me over the edge.

- Oh, I wish...

You know, dad would
be so proud of you.

- Me?

He would be so proud of you.

I mean, going back to
school at your age.

- At my age?

- I'm not saying you're old.
- Hmm hmm.

- I mean, you are ancient.

I'm not saying it.

What I'm saying is, Dad
would be so proud of you.

- Mm, you are right about that.

He had the gift of
encouragement.

- Well, you two were
the perfect pair.

- Mm.

- Hold up, mom, is
this your textbook?

- Yeah.

- My gosh, he would not
have encouraged this.

You already read
the whole thing?

- Ah huh.

- Classes don't even
start until tomorrow.

- I believe in the Girl
Scout motto, be prepared.

- That's the Boy Scouts motto.

- What's the Girl Scout motto?

- Always store your Thin
Mints in the freezer.

- Ooh, practical,
those Girl Scouts.

- But mom, seriously?

You have to loosen up.

You're gonna be among
my people tomorrow

and we do not read
entire textbooks

before the start
of the semester.

- Oh really, what do you do?

- Live life.

Like YOLO, mom.

- What is YOLO?

- You something something.

You only laugh out...

You know, the point is, you
have to start living life.

It's expected of all
college students.

- I live life.

- Color-coordinated,
schedule down to the details

and neatly stacked in rows.

- The good life.

- Mother, make me proud.

Promise me that tomorrow,

you will do one wild
and crazy thing.

- Oh, wild and crazy?

Like your freshman year?

- Yeah, not that crazy.

And I paid back the bail money.

- So what does my wild and
wise daughter want me to do?

- Hmm, I don't know.

The universe will tell you.

- Oh, dear.

- Just wait for your
moment and go with it.

But you have to promise me

that you will do this
one wild and crazy thing.

- If I promise

to do one crazy thing,

do you promise to do
one sensible thing?

- Done?
- Oh?

- I always bring my
laundry home to to you.

- Touche.

- It's adorable.

After all this time,

she still lights up
when talking about him.

- You think she'll
ever find someone else?

I pity the fool who
tries to fill his shoes.

He completed her.

- Are you quoting a romance
movie or is that the A-Team?

- I was thinking of the
line from the Silmarillion.

All have their worth

and each contributes
to the worth of others.

- Right,

'cause haven't we all
memorized the Cinnamonroll-ian?

- Sorry for eavesdropping,

but that quotes from The Two
Towers, not the Silmarillion.

- Ooh, strange boy come to
mansplain Tolkien to Micki?

And I have a front row seat!

- Kate!

- She knows everything there
is to know about the Inkers.

- Inklings.

- Lewis, Tolkien and Williams.

- And Barfield, Dyson,
Harvard and Lewis.

- Yeah, she already said Lewis.

- Likely referring to CS.

I'm including his
brother Warren.

- Well, don't forget
Dorothy Sayers.

- Sayers was not
an official member.

- Only because she was a woman.

- I'll give you that.

- Ooh, he'll give you that.

Hey, follow through and
give her your number.

- Kate?

- I'm Noah.

- She's Micki Sayers.

- No relation to Dorothy.

- Too bad.

You might have been
eligible for the Inkers.

- Can I help you?

- Morrison, 325.

The numbers don't seem
to go in order here.

- I think the idea is
to train the students

to follow their instincts
and not trust their minds.

- Interesting
academic technique.

- Making foolishness out
of the world's wisdom.

At least that's what we
tell ourselves when we goof.

325 is on the second floor.

- 300's are on the second
floor, below the 200s?

- Something about the
first shall be last, maybe.

Keeping the 300s humble.

I can show you, if you like.

- No, thanks, I got it.
- Okay.

- One crazy thing, right?

Hold up.

I would love an escort.

- That may be heretical.

- Good thing my dental
insurance covers orthodoxy.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh!

No, no, no, no, no.

You do not get to
make a joke that bad.

- Oh, girls just wanna
have pun.

- Oh, I have been warned.

So do you work here, as well?

- No, I'm...

No.

- It's too bad.

I was kind of hoping to see
you around campus a bit more.

- Oh, no, I'll be, I mean,

I don't technically
work for the university,

a gun for hire.

I'm a consultant.
- Really?

- Hmm hmm, evaluator.

I evaluate classes,
professors for the school,

I evaluate things and give
my evaluations to the school.

- I see.

- Hmm.
- Well this is awkward.

- Oh, sorry.

You're a professor.

Of course.

- Not just a professor.

Apparently, the one you're
going to be evaluating.

It's my class.

This will be fun.

- Won't it though?

Eh.

- No way, why did you lie?

- My demon spawn told me to.

- I told you
to do something crazy,

not crazy stupid.

- So how cute is he?

- Kate!
- What?

We were all thinking it.

- What did he say when he
found out you were a student?

- He didn't.

When he called "Toni
Sayers" taking attendance,

I just kept my mouth shut.

- Uh, so what does he
think your name is?

- Betty White.

What?

It was the first thing
to pop into my head.

I told him my parents
were Golden Girls fans.

- Mom, we need to give
you lying lessons.

Not that I've ever lied.

- Says, Juliet.

Speaking of romance.
- It's not a romance.

- Micki met a boy.

- Wait, you met a boy?

- And now it's time
to hit the books.

Never too early to
get a running start.

- I'm writing a
letter to the editor,

or at least a strongly
emoji'ed text.

- What's got your
hair in a knot?

- Did you see the
romance column today?

- There isn't a
romance column today.

- Back page.

- Why should we leap over
walls put up by women

as a test of romantic ideals?

Men, can you think
of a single woman

worth playing these
kinds of games for?

Here's an idea, Juliet.

Tear down this wall.

Ah!

- Good response, Addie.

15 is exactly correct.

Note that when
responding to a child,

you repeat the correct
answer in your response.

Shall we try another mock trial?

Kate?

If you have $5 and
you ask your father

for five more dollars,

how many dollars do you have?

- $5.

- I'm sorry, you don't seem
to understand your math.

- You don't seem to
understand my father.

- It's a gif.

Of a cat jumping off a bed.

Badly, Kate, trying
to say hang in there.

- You shouldn't take
this personally.

- But I love taking
things personally.

Besides, his column
is a point-on-point
attack against mine.

- Healthy debate in
print is a good thing.

It's one of the positives
of the news media.

- I'll just trash his
sanctimonious butt
in my next column.

- And that's one
of the negatives.

Just focus on being you.

- I'll try.

- Oh, another piece of news,

there are two finalists
for the Pealy scholarship.

- I knew that.

Who's the other one?

You have got to be kidding me.

Who is this guy?

- You're gonna find
out soon enough.

The Pealy committee has
asked me to arrange a debate

between the two of you.

- Debate? On what?

- Focus of your columns.

Romance.

You get to express your
ideas out in public.

It's sort of a tiebreaker
for the scholarship.

- When?

- Last week of October.

I've set up a way for you two

to come out from
behind your bylines,

so-to-speak, and to discuss
and agree on the debate rules.

- Knives or guns?

Dog.

Also trying to hang in there.

- Professor Lutton?
- Ah, Rose.

A flower by any other name
would smell just as sweet.

- Rose?
- From the Golden Girls.

Betty White's character?

- Ye...

- The actress you
were named for.

- Oh, right, Betty White.

That's me.

- What brings you to my office?

- Well, I had a question
on the text from class.

Niebuhr is quoted as saying-

- Just outta curiosity,

how many of these
course observations

are you going to be doing?

It's been two weeks.

- All semester.

My company's very thorough.

- I guess so.

- Sorry to interrupt, Oscar,
meeting's been moved to four.

- Thanks.
- Hey!

Sorry, I don't think we've met.

Jim Marcus, ancient languages.

- I'm-
- Catherine Hepburn.

She's on our Title IX team.

We're just going over some
stats for the meeting.

- I've spotted the loons.

- Jim's a great guy,

but he really hates
class evaluators

and I wanted him to like you.

- Okay.

- Good slam, but
make it less direct.

One might say romance is dead
if one's heart were dead.

- Ooh, yeah, that's better.

When winter comes,

the winter wild that
hill and wood shall slay.

When trees shall fall

and starless night
devour the sunless day.

When wind is in the deadly east,

then in the bitter rain,

I'll look for the
and call to thee.

I'll come to thee again.

- Call 911.

I think he's having a stroke.

- It's not a stroke.

It's the song of the Ents
from Lord of the Rings.

- Call 911.

I think he's having
a nerd stroke.

- When winter comes
and singing ends,

when darkness falls at last,

when broken is the bear and bow

and light and labor passed,

I'll look for thee
and wait for thee

until we meet again.

Together we will take the
road beneath the bitter rain.

- Maybe I'm the one
having a stroke.

- Tuesday night, 7:00 PM?

- I'll
check my calendar.

- Wasn't that the cutest
little nerd thing?

- You're just jealous.

- What's Evlish for "not?"

- Monkey's butt.
- Rebuttal?

- Yep, rebuttal
is three minutes.

- I guess that makes sense
in a sick sort of way.

Is that a giraffe?

- Duh.
- Playing golf.

- No, giraffe.

How long is his neck?

How long do we speak?

And golf, because golfers say?

- Fore.
- Fore!

- Four minutes, you couldn't
have made a list like a person?

- Ew, that sounds so normal.

- Is that an elephant?

- Huh, no, that
one's just for fun.

I want Romeo to like
teeter on the edge of bit,

trying to guess what
the heck it means.

And he's late.

Noah.

Hi.

- Micki. Kate.

- Doctor. Doctor. Doctor.

- Sorry, I haven't
responded yet, it's just-

- No, don't worry.

Busy, I know.

Both right? So maybe later.

- Yeah. Yeah, I'll text you.

Text you back.

- Right, right.

So uh.

Go, gotta go.

- Yeah, you gotta go.

- You cannot toy with that boy.

He has got it bad.

- Still, work before pleasure.
- Hmm.

- Let's give this Not
Your Romeo, his poison first.

- You gotta make
time for love, babe.

You know where I learned that?

- Hmm?
- Your column.

- Oh, you've read my column?

- No, I'm waiting for the movie.

- Um, hello?

- About time.

You're Romeo?

- No, I'm Hugo.

- I mean, do you write the
column, Not Your Romeo?

- Yeah, that's me.

I write that.

I'm the Not Your Romeo guy.

- Oh, you are in my
Elementary Ed class.

- Yeah, that's you, right?

I'm Hugo.

- Yeah, I got that
the first time.

- I uh...

I play lacrosse.

- No kidding.

I always wondered how do you
get the stick up in the air

when your knuckles are
dragging on the ground?

- Nevermind.

Okay, Romeo, let's come to
an agreement on debate rules.

- The guy's a complete moron.

I don't think he can string
enough words together

to write his own name,
let alone a whole column.

- It's the quiet ones
you have to watch out for.

- Kate is right.

Don't underestimate him.

Still waters run deep.

- I'm gonna mop the floor
with those still waters.

- Is that really the
right attitude to have?

- Absolutely.

- He is another human being.

- Please, sorry, I'm stuck
on the image of Mick mopping,

let alone cleaning anything.

- He's stealing my scholarship.

- It is not your scholarship.

- Can you mop our
dorm room with him?

The floor is sticky.

- Remember our rule.

If you're gonna be mom,

you can't study with us.
- Okay, okay.

- Unless being mom means
bringing homemade snacks.

Oh, cookie score.

- Why such the bookworm?

- Stupid professor gave
me a B+ on my last paper.

- So sorry.
- Sorry?

What's wrong with a B+?

- It's not an A.

- Right. My bad.

- Professor Lutton?

- Ah, the intrepid examiner.

You know you had me
worried back there.

You take copious notes.

- The topic is fascinating.

- And the delivery?

- Noteworthy.

- What can I do for you today?

- Well, I, I, I ran into
one of the other students

from our class, Toni Sayers?

- You need to tell
Toni to come to class.

Participation is
part of her grade.

- I will pass that along.

Anyway, she was saying
that you put a note

on one of her essays to ask you

about a poster for
an academic fair.

- I said that?
- Hmm hmm.

- Hmm, must have
been a good essay.

What grade did I give her?
- An A.

Not sure why it wasn't
an A+, to be honest.

- We don't give A+'s
at this institution.

- Oh, right, of course.

So about the academic fair-

- Now, Betty, you know,

I can't talk to you about
another student's work.

- Oh.
- FERPA.

- Oh, right.

- Oh, Dr. Johnson, I'll
be out in a second.

Oh, have you met Audrey Hepburn?

She's on the Title IX team.

- Audrey Hepburn?

- Her parents were
big Sabrina fans.

- Okay.
- Yeah, big Sabrina fans.

Really into teenage witches.

- Teenage witches?

- Which is clearly a show that
Audrey Hepburn was not in.

- Okay.

- You told the other guy my
name was Catherine Hepburn.

- I did?

Oh, sorry.

I can't keep my
Hepburn's straight.

Hey, it's not easy keeping
up a false identity.

- Tell me about it.

- Just relax
your shoulders.

- You don't sneak up
on a woman with a bow!

- Yeah, good advice.

- What are you doing here?

- I just, I wanted
to know something.

You never seem to
wanna speak to me.

Why?

- Are you kidding,
Not Your Romeo?

What would we talk about?

- We can talk about stuff.

What do you wanna talk about?

- I don't know.

Art, poetry, beauty, things
you wouldn't understand.

- Beauty, huh?

I get that I'm not
one for art or poetry,

but that doesn't mean I don't
know anything about beauty.

May I?

For me, it's in nature.

One morning, I was
out in the woods,

the sun barely up,

and there was like this
mist covering the ground.

I sat at the base of a tree.

Maybe an hour, I
don't know.

I lose track of time out there.

I feel him before I see him,

this deer,

buck,

coming out of the trees.

Antlers at full growth.

Muscle thick, tall, majestic.

It's just me and him.

No other sounds.

We make eye contact.

It's like the hush
of God's presence.

Peace.

Electricity.

Me knowing that deer.

And him knowing me.

A moment outta time.

One shot.

Straight to the heart.

That?

That is beauty.

- So don't take
this the wrong way,

but you are a horrible,
horrible human being.

- Is there a
right way to take that?

Here.

Just relax your shoulders.

You'll do just fine.

- I never grow
tired of that story.

- Have you ever seen
the original TV movie?

- No, I haven't.

I've read the book though.

- "A Grief Observed."

- Yeah, that's right.

That's right.

I tried to reread it though.

I can't get through
it without crying.

- I'm not sure I get it.

I mean, intellectually sure.

But from a life standpoint,

I guess I'm too young
or haven't lost enough.

- I thought I could
describe a state.

Make a map of sorrow.

Sorrow, however, turns out not
to be a state but a process.

- Whoa.

Sounds like you understand.

- Not understand,

but I do get it.

- Who?

- My dad.

I was nine.

- Sorry.

How'd you deal?

- Not all that
different from Lewis,

and dealing with the
death of his wife.

I was angry for a long time.

- At?

- God , I guess.

I mean, who else can
you blame for cancer?

But like Lewis said,
it's a process.

- Do you miss him?

Sorry, stupid question.

- No,
no, no, it's okay.

I mean, of course, I do.

He was perfect.

Him and my mom ,

if only someday day I can
find half of what they had.

- I've never really
had my faith tested.

Stable home.

No desire to go all prodigal.

Wonder how I'll do
when the testing comes?

- You'll do fine.

Okay, let's talk
about something else.

- What, depression and grief
isn't romantic enough for you?

- Oh, I'll bring that
up in the debate.

- Let's not talk
about the debate.

- What do you wanna talk about?

- Nothing.

Let's just walk.

- Yeah.

Sounds perfect.

- I'm surprised to
see you awake at all.

What time did you sneak in?

- Not that late.

- And do I want to know what
the two of you were doing?

- Talking.
- Hmm.

- I would say, just talking.

But man, we went deep.

- You've been seeing each other

for about three
weeks every night.

And all he's interested
in doing is talking?

- I'm not saying that.

I will say he's been
the perfect gentleman.

- Mm.

- You should have taken
Lit & Culture with me.

- Why, is it good?

- She's making us read Electra.

- Oh, I love Electra.

- I know, hence me wanting
you there, to copy your notes.

- Electra rocks.

She really knew what she wanted.

- She killed her mother.

- Well, we don't all
have mothers like yours.

- Excuse me.

- Well, if it isn't
the romance killer.

- Deer killer.

- I come unarmed.

- And what did you come for?

- A truce.

I was hoping this debate
thing could, you know,

not come between us all?

- There's a between us all?

I didn't know that.

- Hugo, dear boy,

you can't blast
me from the paper

and expect it not to
reverberate to real life.

- The internet has
given too many people

a sense of anonymity.

Life is life, dude.

- But uh.
- Spit it out.

- You publish your
column from a fake name.

So anonymity?

- The boy makes his mark.

- Good point. Good point.

Okay, then, let's go public.

Attention please for an
important announcement.

The mysterious
columnist, Juliet, is me.

And Not Your Romeo is none other

than our dear friend, Hugo.

Next month we'll be debating
our points of view on romance.

But for your viewing pleasure,

we'll give you a
preview of it now.

Hugo.
- Yeah, go on.

- What, no, I'm-
- Chicken?

Afraid to be exposed for
the fraud that you are?

Let's have at it.

As you all know,

Romeo has declared that romantic
love is a waste of time.

- I never, I mean in context-

- That's Shakespeare,
Austen, Shelly,

and Keats are all hogwash.

His opinion.

Does science take his side?

Is Romeo aware that simply
reading romance lowers stress,

decreases the chance
of heart failure

and increases brain function?

- I, I didn't know that.

- Hmm, so what do
you know, Romeo?

Why are you so
afraid of romance?

Because it's a confidence
boost for women?

Are you afraid of
confident women?

I can list the benefits
of romantic love all day.

Can you give me one negative?

- I don't wanna do this.

- Just give it a shot.

- Um, Plato.
- What about Plato?

- He thought that romantic
love was, well, horrific

and what it made people do.

- So your argument is that
Plato doesn't like love?

- Well no, he did.
- Did or didn't?

Make up your mind.

- He did like love,
just not romantic love.

For him, brotherly
love was more ideal.

- Hmm.

Well it sounds like poor Plato
got friend zoned too much.

He couldn't get a girlfriend.

So he decided love without
romance was the real deal.

What about you?

Friend zoned too much?

Is that why you're so
bitter towards women?

- Micki, come on.

- Now that we've
exposed Not Your Romeo,

let's really expose him.

Have a girlfriend, Hugo?

Ever have a girlfriend?

Ever talk to a girl? Hmm?

Just as I thought.

Repression is not a good
basis for an opinion!

This debate is gonna be a whole
lot easier than I thought.

- I don't think you
had to be so personal.

- Oh, everything is
personal in love and war.

- Felt a bit more like war.

Who are you looking at?

- Noah, he's gone.

Oh, well.

- Prof, you said
you need to see me?

- Oh, Betty, glad
you could make it.

Look who's come for a visit.

- Yeah.
- Dr. Linda West.

The Dr. Linda West,

President of the ECEEA.

- The uh?

- East Coast Educational
Evaluators Association.

Your accreditor.

- Right, the old ECAE...

A.

Dr. West, I don't think
we've ever officially met.

- I don't think we have.

And there's a very
good reason for that.

- Yes, there is.

- I was just elected.

I have not been able
to visit your chapter.

I am so sorry.

- Oh right, sure.

Of course, that is
why we haven't met.

- Hmm.

What chapter are you from?

- Oh, you know the one
that covers this area?

- Bloom's Pedagogical Division

or the Kentucky Accurate
Assessment Association?

- That first one,
the Blooms thing.

- Oh, good.

We have so much to talk about.

- Oh, oh, yummy.

- All this insider talk
is making me feel lost.

- We do not wanna make
you feel left out.

So why don't we talk
about something else?

- No, no, no, no.

I enjoy seeing you
in your environment.

Please, make
yourselves comfortable.

- She said if we needed
an ice cream break,

she picked up something
from the store.

- How much did she get?

- Well, she says all of it.

- What flavors did she get?
- What flavors did she get?

Well, she says all of them.

- Must have been
a rough afternoon.

- Yeah, or something.

- Hey, girls aren't
allowed on this floor past-

- How dare you!

That is so offensive.

I'm not a girl.
- I, I-

- I'm a woman.
- I, I-

- Shame! Shame!

- Wha, I gotta go.

- He does have a point.

It is after 11.

- Well, yeah, I know,

but I wanna celebrate
our victory over Romeo.

And I want Noah in
on the celebration.

- You just want Noah so you can-

- Oh no, no, no,
no, don't say it.

Or no ice cream for you.

- Lips sealed.

But I do think you went a
little overboard with Hugo.

- Yeah, I know.

I kind of got caught in the
moment and went all stupid.

But I'll apologize to
him next time I see him.

But party first, apology second.

- Think your boy toy could
have met us someplace

a little less disgusting?

- Well, he hasn't
answered any of my texts.

So the mountain has come to him.

Wait, wait, hold on.

I think this is it.

- What are you doing here?

Girls aren't allowed
on the floor.

- Not a girl, woman.

Yeah, that covers
it, shame, whatever.

- We are here to celebrate.

- Celebrate what?

- My victory today.

- You mean when you
embarrassed that guy

in front of the whole campus?

Was that fun?

- Fun?
- To hurt someone?

He didn't ask to be
treated like that.

I don't feel like having
this conversation.

Please, go.

- No, I'm not going
until we talk this out.

- Hey, I have an idea.

How about we talk this out
a little more out of sight?

- Don't go in there.

- Oh, don't tell me you
have a girl in your room?

- I just got done talking
about not girl woman thing.

How are we supposed
to make progress whe-

Uh, either he does
have a girl in his room

or that pile of
clothes is possessed.

- Noah?

- That's not a girl.

It's my roommate.

- Then why is he hiding?

- Crap, I wish it was a girl.

Hugo, come out, come
out wherever you are.

- Your roommates with Romeo?

- Oh, I think it's a
little worse than that.

You wanna know why Hugo
is so poor at the debate?

He's not our guy.

- This is another Romeo column.

Your handwriting.

What gives?

- Tell her.

She's a little
slow on the uptake.

Hugo's not Not Your Romeo.

He is.

- When I went to the
debate prep meeting,

I saw it was you,

that you were Juliet.

I didn't want to
jeopardize, whatever.

So I sent Hugo in
to pretend to be me.

- Well...

Consider our
whatever jeopardized.

- That's a pretty good idea

now that I've seen the real you.

- Seen the real me?

I opened up to you
about my father.

Things that nobody
else knows about.

And the whole time
you were lying to me

about who you were?

- I wasn't lying.

- Oh so what?

Dating me was just a way to
get a leg up on the debate?

You.

I thought you were.

- Who?

What was his name again?

I can't remember.

- I've just never seen
you so well groomed

- Well, one should never
neglect personal hygiene.

Cleanliness is
next to godliness.

- Right.

Roommate for three years,

and not once did I
see you make your bed.

- I don't know what
you're talking about.

- Has she been dressing
like this every day?

- Hmm, every day.

She did the laundry.

Mopped the floors.

Scrubbed the toilets.

I'm really frightened.

- Okay, um, yeah.

And these are?

- Potential plans
for the future.

Organized by cost,

time for delivery
and feasibility in
the current climate.

- Hack into his financial aid
and double his student loans?

Hire an assassin
on the dark web?

Develop an immunity
to iocaine powder

and challenge him
to a battle of wits?

- Yeah, I should put
that one over here.

It's gonna take too much time.

- Wow, you are really hurting.

This level of
organization is well like,

your mother.
- I know.

My rock bottom.
- Hey!

- No offense.

- It's just he hurt me.

Is it wrong to fantasize
about hurting him back?

- As long as it stays
in the world of fantasy.

- Well, the real world
solutions on the right.

Fantasy on the left.

- When are you coming
back to campus?

- I'm not.

I've got a new career goal.

- What? Destroy Noah?

- Well, people have had
fulfilling lives at less.

- What happened to
the carefree girl

that danced across campus?

- I guess she found out people
were watching after all.

- So the men win again?

- What you talking
about, Willis?

- Noah is on campus
living his life

like nothing ever happened.

He won.

He destroyed you.
- He did not.

- But it's okay because you
as a weak, feeble female,

it was inevitable
to end this way.

- You can't goad me.

Okay, what should I do?

- Okay, go back to your life.

- Good point.

Besides, then I can
gear up for the debate

and humiliate him publicly.

Good plan, Kate.

- Fancy meeting you here.

- You sent me a note saying,

will you meet me at
the archery range?

- Yeah, that was me.

- Which you threw at
me as a paper airplane

during a lecture like
an eight-year-old.

- That is a bit of
an exaggeration.

- Will you meet me?

Check box, yes or no?

You even wrote it in crayon.

- Well, it's Elementary Ed

and I turn into a third
grader in Elementary Ed.

- What do you want?

- Micki's miserable.
- Good!

- She's miserable because
she really, really likes Noah

and she has a hard
time hating someone

that she really, really likes.

- Double good.

- Right. So how's Noah?

That's what I thought.

They're supposed to be together.

When they're apart,
they're miserable.

And as long as they are
miserable, I'm miserable.

- So what do you
supposed to do about it?

- Easy.

We bring them together.

- Shh!

- Whatever happens
though, don't leave me.

- I'm not gonna leave
you with some creepy guy

as your study partner.

- Right and to be clear,

he was assigned to
me for the project.

Not my choice.

- Yeah, I got you.

- Okay and sorry in advance.

- Sorry? For?

What do you want?

- I believe you've met Hugo
from my Elementary Ed class.

- He's the creepy guy I
have to do the project with?

- I'm the creepy guy.

- And why is
loiter-sack with him?

- Because I don't wanna
be alone with you two.

- I see why you didn't tell
me who you were meeting.

I'm out.

- Dude, I'm invoking bro code.

- Well, I'm out.
- No, no, no.

I have to stay and when
a girl needs a friend...

- Okay.
- Hey.

- I feel sad for you.

No sense of romance.

- Did you know that
for most of history,

society thought of love
as a horrible sickness?

- Really?

A disease that makes
someone want to live

for another person?

Sounds awful.

- It drives people to
make stupid decisions.

- It drives people to do more

than ever thought they could.

- Take Romeo and Juliet-
- That's not a romance!

It's a tragedy.

- Their love was cut short.

- Because they made
stupid decisions.

Juliet should have
married the man

her father picked for her.

- Oh, and live in a tragedy
rather than die in a tragedy?

Is that what you think?

We should go back to
arranged marriages?

- There are our worse things.

- Uh, guys.
- Oh, wow.

Too bad we didn't stay together.

I bet my dad could've gotten
two cows and a chicken for me.

- Don't oversell yourself.
- Noah.

- And don't undervalue
freedom for women

to choose their mate.

There are still
plenty of countries

that sell women like cattle.

- I'm not saying that!
- Then what are you saying?

- What I've been
saying all along.

Romance makes people
do stupid stuff.

- Like you dating me?
- Like me dating you!

- They let you publish this?

- She practically
forced them to.

- "Why all men are nauseating,
a partial listing."

It is two pages long.

- Yeah, that's why
I said partial list.

- She has united
the women and men.

They both hate the paper.

- Oh honey.
- I know, I know!

I was just so mad.

- Don't make her angry.

You wouldn't like her when
she writes when she's angry.

- Thanks a lot.

- Anyone up for
breakfast at Tiffany's?

- Oh, sorry, girls.

But you are on your own tonight.

I have been invited to
a university fundraiser.

- Oh, are we meeting teacher?

- No, I mean, he will be
there, but not like that.

- Does he still think
you're one of the Hepburns?

- Yes, he is having a hard
time keeping his lies straight.

I'm having trouble keeping up.

- Mick, breakfast at Tiffany's?

- Can't, just thought of
more things to add the list.

This column is a two-parter.

- Keep an eye on her.

- I'm sorry, where
am I supposed to park?

- Uh, you don't park, ma'am.

I park.

- Oh, right.

Of course.

- Audrey, Oscar was just
telling me about you.

- Right, I'm Audrey.

Of course, I am.

And you are?

- Oh, so sorry.

Grace, Francis, president.

Of the university.

- Oh, right. Sorry.

Right, uh.

So very nice to meet you.

- Pleasure is all mine.

Oscar says you are considering

a donation of a
significant size.

- Donation to?

Oh, right, I am
at a fundraisers.

- You must tell me
more about your father.

- Hmm?

- Oscar says he was a
big Honeymooners fan.

That's why they
named you Audrey.

- I'm sorry, I'm not tracking.

- Audrey Meadows.

Your dad, the founder
of Meadows Meats.

I'm sorry.

You are Audrey Meadows?

- To the moon, Oscar.

To the moon.

- Can't believe
I agreed to this.

- Your mother said get
you outta the house.

This is out of the house.

Besides, you've been looking
forward to the screening

of you know, for ages.

- The Bakshi animated
Lord of the Rings?

On the big screen?

You're right, I'm excited.

- Here's our row.

- Noah and Hugo?

- You have got to be kidding me.

- I am so out of here.

Whoa.

- This will not be in theaters
again in our lifetime.

- And we are gonna
sit someplace-

- No, because this place is
packed and these are our seats.

So come on, don't let him win.

Excuse us.

Excuse me.

- You guys want some popcorn?

- No.
- No!

- I'd love some, starving.

Didn't have anything
for dinner except,

you know, sarcasm and
rants against men.

- You had a double
decker burger.

- Rants make me hungry.

- I'll split it with ya.

- Do you mind?
- Yes, I do.

Switch seats with me.

- What?
- Switch seats with me.

So I can get as much of
that free popcorn as I want.

- I'm not switching
seats with you.

- Hey, sit down.
- Yeah.

Dude, you are getting
between me and free food.

Switch!
- Move it.

- Okay. Okay.

- Well played.

- Oh, yeah, no, I just
really like popcorn.

- You know, the armrest
is not solely for you.

- Not yours either.

I paid just as much as you did.

- Come on.

I've waited 10 years to see
this movie on the big screen.

- Great, got a
manspreader next to me.

- Oh, you want me to manspread?

How's this?

- Typical.

- Of course, I'm typical.

All men are the same to you.

- I mean it, shut up.

- Why don't I mansplain
what manspreading is to you?

It's when a man-

- You know, I'm gonna take
some of that popcorn now.

- Whoa.

- This means war.
- Hey!

- When you say banned for life,

do you mean my
life or your life?

Dang it.

I really liked this theater.

Plan C it is.

- And the yellow?

- People who think
I'm Audrey Hepburn.

Well, the first layer is people

who think I'm Audrey Hepburn.

The second layer
are people connected

to the first who think,
well, might think so.

- This is a lot of lies.
- I know.

Think I have enough yarn?

- Not nearly.

Wait, 500,000 for
the Meadows Complex?

- We might be funding
a new athletic center.

Reminds me, you weren't planning
on using both your kidneys,

were you?

- Mom, this is too much.

- I know.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

- Me?

I said do one crazy thing.

One.

- It is like potato chips.

You can't stop at one.

- Well, I'll donate
Kate's liver.

- Why, you still think
she's setting you up?

- Something's going on with her.

- Maybe she just
wants you happy.

- Maybe.

Purple?

- People think my
name is Toni Sayers.

- I'm the only one
that connects to.

- Special bond of
mother and daughter.

- I adore when professor
Michael speaks.

- Don't be mean.

He's diagnosed with narcolepsy.

It's not his fault.

- Well, we get to sleep
through his talks.

It's only fair that
he gets to, as well.

Oh, hey, Hugo!

Wait up!
- Kate, what are you doing?

- Listen up.

Because I'm only going
to admit this once

and you are clueless.

I like Hugo.

Like, like him, okay?

And I've been trying to
get his attention all week.

And you've been blowing it.

- Come on.
- No, no, no, serious face.

Believe me.

We are going to walk
across campus together.

- Oh, no.

- And you are not
going to cause a scene.

I repeat not.
- I'm not going-

- Going to cause a scene

because you owe me this one.

Hmm?

- Fine.
- Fine.

I think she bought it.

- Well, they're not fighting.

So far so good.

- Yeah.

- You look cold.

Here, take this.

- No, thanks.
- No, no, no.

- I'm fine.

- It's the kind of thing a guy
would do for a lady he likes.

- Right. Right.

- Here.

- Crap, it might be real.

- I was afraid of that.

- We gotta sell this, right?

- Good point.

- Hugo doesn't fall
easy, but when he does.

- Neither does Kate.

She has a general
disdain for romance.

Hates my column.

Which makes her a good
sounding board for it.

- If we really wanna sell it.

- Hugo loves your column.

- You're kidding?

- He's the reason I wrote mine.

Came out of our arguments.

Still haven't won him over.

The dude's favorite
movie is The Notebook.

- Kate said he was a hunter.

- So?

People have been hunting
since the dawn of time.

You don't think people
with big hearts existed

before vegetarianism
became a fad?

- I'm just saying it
doesn't fit the image.

- Stereotype much?

- I promised Kate
we wouldn't fight.

How about we don't talk at all?

- It's a deal.

- Sure it won't hurt
your romance when I

destroy Hugo's best
friend tonight?

- Ha, I was actually
hoping the two of you

would end this whole
debate thing by now.

- Not in your life.

In a few hours, I
get me some payback.

- Getting ready
for a sound check.

Please speak in the volume
you plan on using tonight.

- Crushing defeat volume.

Got it?

Hold on, Mick.

Something's up.

- We have to cancel.
- What's going on?

- My folks? They um.

- His parents were
in a car accident.

He's texting his
brother right now.

- Gosh, are they okay?

- We don't, they were
taken to the hospital.

Greg's been trying to get me...

We have to cancel.
- Daddy?

- It's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay.

- Daddy!

- I have a car.
- Can I borrow it?

- You're in no condition.

I'll drive.

- It's four hours away.
- I said I'm driving.

Get him packed.

Make sure he has
things like a phone,

a wallet, overnight stuff.
- Got it.

- Tell Murrow,
I'll get mom's car.

- Okay, yeah, but we'll
first, we'll just...

- Thanks.
- No problem.

You sure you're gonna be okay?

- Yeah, my brother
will take me home.

- Well, text me with any updates

and I'll see you back on campus.

- I don't...

I mean...

- That's what friends are for.

- Hey, any word?

- They're out of the woods.
- Okay.

- His dad's home already.

His mom comes home tomorrow.

- Oh, thank God.

- Noah's gonna stay
there for another week,

help Greg out.

Notice how we pray a lot
more when bad things happen?

- Lewis's megaphone.

- Except when I was angry
at Noah, I stopped praying.

I didn't talk to God at all.

- Why do you think that is?

- Because I knew in my heart,

that God would tell
me to just grow up.

- Mom?
- Huh?

- Tell me again how you met dad.

- Oh, boy.

I was doing books for the
company he worked for.

I had to go into the office

because he was missing
receipts from a trip.

- Now, hold on.

I thought you said you met
dad at an office party.

- No, the Christmas party

was when I realized that I
was in love with your father.

I met him in his office.

- I always thought this was
a love at first sight thing.

- Oh, heavens, no.

Your dad was so
irritating when I met him.

He could not hold onto a
receipt to save his life.

- How?

How long did you know him
before you guys fell in love?

- It was about
six months for me.

Well, he says it was love
from day one for him,

which I doubt.

I was his nemesis.

- Can't see you two
as nemeses, nemosis

or whatever.

- Well I dogged him so bad.

He claimed after the fact

that he was sloppy
with the books

just to get me to
see him all the time.

- But it wasn't true?

- Oh, he could not keep his
checking account straight

after we were married, so no.

- Can't see you two as
opposites in anything.

- Product of a
selective memory, hun.

Think about it.

And I am sure you will remember

all kinds of ways
that we did not align.

- I thought you
guys were in love.

- We were,

just not the kind of love
you're thinking about.

See, romance stories
are just misleading

'cause they're all about
how two people get together.

- Okay, but isn't
that what romance is?

I mean, Romeo sees
Juliet across the room

and his heart is gone.

- Ah, until the next
week when he realizes

Juliet farts, snores
and hogs the blankets.

- I didn't realize
you hated romance.

- I love romance.

Just not that cotton candy kind.

Real romance is two people
working on themselves,

on their relationship
with each other,

on their relationship with God.

- But love shouldn't be work.

- But love is work.

A willingness to work.

God loves us, yeah?
- Duh.

- Easy for Him?

- Point taken.

We certainly don't make it easy.

- Umm hmm.

- So have you hated my
column this whole time?

- Oh, I adore your column.

Just thought it was naive.
- Hmm.

- Almost as naive
as Noah's responses.

Ah, which reminds me
I need to continue

removing the detritus
of my own naivete.

- What you gonna do once
that wall is cleaned up?

- Make an appointment
with my professor.

- Eh.
- Hmm hmm.

- Hey!

- Hey.

- So, you're back?

- Apparently, I have a big
debate to attend tomorrow.

- Oh, of course.

Saw the video of your mom.

She's moving around real good.

Ready for the dance floor.

- Got your likes.

Mom laughed at your comment.

- It was stupid.

- Good to see her laughing.

So I've been...
- Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

- Listen.

Thank you for everything.

- Oh, it's nothing.

Anyone would-
- No, listen.

Thank you, for everything.

- You're welcome.

- So that stupid promise to
do one wild thing snowballed.

I have no idea why I kept it up.

- Thank you for telling me.

- You don't seem too surprised.

- Oh, no.

I knew who you were all along.

That first day in the hall,

you showed me your form with
the room number on it and-

- And my name was on the form.

- Your name was on the form.

- And you didn't say
anything because?

- Well, I was a little confused

when you didn't
answer the roll call,

but, uh, you were just so cute

when you told me you
were Betty White.

- I'm so embarrassed.

Wait, hold up.

You told people I
was other people.

- Oh yeah, that was fun.

Don't worry.

They were all all in on it.

Nobody thinks you're either
Katherine or Audrey Hepburn.

- Or Audrey Meadows.

- No, the president does
think you're the heir

to the Meadows fortune.

- Oh, that's okay.

My daughter doesn't
need her kidneys.

- One more confession.

I haven't read any
of your essays.

- Oh, that cannot be
quality instruction.

- I sensed a
chemistry between us,

wouldn't be right to grade you.

So I had Dr. Marcus
grade all your essays.

- Nobel of you.

- He thinks you have potential.

- He has taste.

- Followed by two
minutes of rebuttal.

And then we'll end with
five minutes summations.

Good?

All right.

Micki?

Call it.

- Heads.

- Heads it is, your choice.

- I go first.

- Have a good debate.

- Break a leg.

- You, too.

- Hey, before this
turns into whatever,

you free Monday night?

- Wow, that's a
distraction tactic.

- No, not a date.

Sorry, I found a copy of
Bakshi's Lord of the Rings

and Gary, my friend
over in media,

says the screening
room is open on Monday.

Just for you, not me.

Not a date.

A chance for you to see
it on the big screen.

'Cause I kind of
ruined the last-

Nevermind.

This was stupid.

- No, it's sweet.

Thank you.

- Without further ado,

Mikayla Sayers and Noah Haynes.

Opening statements.

Sayers will begin.

- Thank you, Dr. Murrow.

And thank you all for attending.

And thank you Noah for
helping me change my mind

about what to do tonight.

Before I begin, I never
apologized to Hugo.

What I did that day in the
student center was mean

and uncalled for.

Please forgive me.

Tonight, we are here
to debate romance.

We each hope to
destroy the other

through our verbal gymnastics.

Two orators enter the ring,

only one gets out alive.

The entire idea of what
we're doing here tonight

proves that we have no clue
what we're talking about.

The very idea of
love is, is not this.

Love is not about
crushing the other.

It's not about bragging rights,

who's right or even who's best.

Tearing someone down,
demanding a surrender,

that isn't love.

It's not about winning.

If there is winning and losing
in love, then it isn't love.

So maybe we should stop
looking for romance

and look for love instead.

Because love is
about communication.

It's about listening
more than talking.

Love is about the other.

Love is about
what's best for all.

Love believes.

Love hopes.

So, here's my proposal.

Let's skip the debate.

Admit right now
that it's pointless.

Instead, let's have
a conversation,

starting with, I don't know,

starting with,
here's what I hope,

starting with,
what do you think?

So, what do you think?

- Let's do it.

- Okay, scary time.

Listening.

You all talk to us.

What is love?

- She's serious.

Tell us what you're thinking.

What is love?

- I mean, God, right?

- Safe answer.

Let's go deeper.

- My grandfather.

- What about him?

- He left everything to
come to this country.

I mean, everything, just to
give his family a better life.

- Sacrifice, yeah,
now, we're talking.

And that ties into your
safe answer, right?

Love sacrifices.

What else have ya got?

- Where you going?

- They got this.

Our work here is done.

- Oh, okay.

Well, what does that mean?

- It means we don't
have to pretend

to like each other anymore.

Thank you for your service.

- Oh.

Oh.

- Your kid is doing great.

You should really be proud.

- Oh, I am, very much so.

Listen, all this
talk of romance,

I feel like there's
something I should clear up.

- Oh, and just when
our relationship

was starting to feel so normal.

- Yeah, okay, um.

You said earlier something
about chemistry between us

and I kind of let that slide.

The thing is, yes,
there is this chemistry,

but I can't,

it has been a while
since my husband died

and I am getting there, but
I am just not there yet.

- No, I'm sorry.

I should have been more clear.

I can't date you.

I'm your professor.

Ethics apply, even students
who are closer to my own age.

- Right, of course.

I just didn't wanna
read too much into-

- As long as you're in
my class, well then-

- No, message received.

- Just do me one favor.

- Of course.

- Don't take my
class next semester.

- I can do that.

- Hey, there.

- Thanks for coming.

- Good talk last night.

So much better than a debate.

- Yeah, I thought so too.

- And congratulations
on the scholarship.

Prof Murrow called me this
morning with the news.

- Noah, I'm so sorry.

- If I learned anything
from our debate,

it's to be happy for you.

- Thanks.

So?
- So.

- Not at all awkward.

- I'll start.

I'm hoping you asked to
meet, to maybe talk about us?

- Yeah, I'm not
ready to dive back

into a boyfriend
girlfriend thing.

I mean, there's still a
lot I need to think about.

- Right, no, me, too.

- But I was hoping maybe
we could start again

with a clean slate.

- Can the clean slate
begin with dinner?

- It's like you read my mind.

- You did ask to
meet at the bistro

so it wasn't that far of a leap.

- Oh, and just to clarify,

that quote from the day we met,

it's Silmarillion, I checked.

- At least I was right
that it was Tolkien.

- You were right.

It was Tolkien from
the start!

- Hey, uh, nerds.

Go get your own table.

- Yeah, we are so out of here.

Yeah, let's go.

- They are such book geeks.

So now, where were we?

- Favorite archers
in literature,

left off with Katniss.
- Legolas.

- No way.

You only thought of that
because of the book nerds.

- Uh, so? Your turn.

- Clint Barton.

- Do comics really
count as literature?

- Duh.

Just because you
add art to the words

doesn't make the words
any less literature.

- Fine, Susan Pevensie.

- Nerd.

- Who?

What was his name again?

I can't remember.

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