Original subtitles

- Lisa, I'm headed out.

Thanks again.

- Oh, can't you stay\Na few more hours?

I'm making bee pancakes.

- Um, no, unfortunately,\NI can't.

I really have to get back.

- Well, at least say hi\Nto Meg and Mark.

They just got here.\N- Oh, they did? Oh.

- Hello, Ms. Dubek!\N- Oh, my gosh. Hi, Mrs. Dubek.

- Oh, it's so good\Nto see you kids.

And how nice you get to stop by\Nfor a little breakfast

on your way to work.

- Oh, no, school's out\Nfor the summer.

- And I just took off\Nbecause it's so nice out.

Figured we'd just hang out,

maybe get in the pool.

Oh, uh, Mom, they did not have\Nany Snickers

at the gas station,\Nso we got you a Milky Way.

- Oh, that's great.\NThanks.

- Oh, and hey,\Nthese were at my house.

- See, I told you.

- Well, your stuff\Nis better than mine.

[laughter]

- Well, I gotta say,\Nyou two look exactly the same.

- Oh.\N- And how are Brooke and Cary?

Are they still the same?

And I'm sorry,\NI still haven't seen

Cary's new show,\Nthe "Wind" one,

uh, but all my friends at work\Nsay it's awesome.

- Yeah, my friends say\Nit is so, so awesome.

- Oh, hey, if you guys do wanna\Nswim, we're out of sunscreen.

- Oh, I can run out\Nto Target and get some.

- I'll go with.\N- Why?

Do you also need\Nsomething from Target?

- No, just to keep her company.\N- That's nice of you.

- Come on, you.

- I'm not gonna make you go\Nto Target alone.

- You know what?\NI think I will stay

and hang for a couple hours.

- Yay!\N- Oh, yay!

Oh, and hey, how's Brooke?

She's an agent now, right?

- Or a manager?\NSorry.

We're nothing like your kids.

both: Neither of us\Nknow a thing

about\Nthe entertainment industry.

- ♪ I-I-I'm a winner ♪

- It's such bullshit.

Like, I'm the one\Nin the industry

constantly doing good,\Nand yet nothing?

He had to have hired\Na publicist, right?

- Brooke, it's 8:30 a.m.

How are we already\Nat a ten about something?

But yes, anytime anyone's\Non anything, it's a publicist.

How do you think Greta Thunberg\Ngot on the cover of "TIME"?

She hired me.\N- Wow, really? What's she like?

- Well, first of all,\Nbitch has been on a plane.

- Brooke?\N- Brooke.

- Oh.\N- Hey. How's it going?

- Natalie, hi.

- Oh, nice.\NYou got a copy.

Isn't that so cool?\N- Yeah.

That publicist he hired\Nwas worth every penny.

- Oh, no,\Nhe said someone from "People"

just came to the hospital\Nand asked him

about being on the cover.\N- Oh.

- Which makes total sense.

Everyone knows\Nhe's such a good guy.

Anyway,\Nwe gotta get to the train,

but it was so good to see you.\N- Yeah, you too.

- Bye, Brooke.\N- Bye. [laughs]

Oh, they just\N"came to the hospital"?

Please. He might have\Nthese losers fooled,

but I know\Nthat he worked for this.

And it is my job today\Nto prove it.

- Actually, your job today\Nis quite a few other things.

- I just need\Nto get into his emails.

Oh, uh...\Nhey, Natalie.

I just wanna send Lance\Na little something,

you know, say congrats\Nfor being so dang good.

Do you mind DM'ing me\Nhis new little addy?

- Yeah, sure.\NThat's really sweet.

- [laughs]\N- Brooke, I vote

you don't do this,

but I have to go meet\Na new client

and know you're going to.

So I guess just text me\Nwhen you end up burning down

his entire apartment.

[phone buzzes]

- The addy.\N- Hey, everyone.

Thank you all for being here

to talk about helping me win\Nthe Academy Award

for Best Actor\Nin a Motion Picture.

Or supporting.

No, let's--let's do lead.

- Well, I'm sorry\NI can't be there in person.

I'm still in the Hamptons.

But I have already\Nfound the movie

to maybe get you\Nthat Oscar, Cary.

- Wait, really?\N- It's called

"One Night with Albert,"\Nand it's about a gay man

who had a brief love affair\Nwith Albert Einstein

the night before he published\Nhis theory of relativity.

- Albert Einstein was gay?

- It's rumored he was\Nby the writer of this movie.

- Uh, sure. Yes.

I--I wanna be\Ngay Albert Einstein

and win an Oscar.

- So the role is up for grabs,

but even though you're\Nthe lead of a TV show,

the producers\Nare not 100% sure

that they see you\Nas a leading man.

I mean, it's a sexual role,

and you play an elf\Non "WindWeaver."

So in the next month,

I wanna have you\Nread for them,

get you in\Nfor some chemistry tests.

- Oh...\N- I want them to--

- The next month?

Is there, um, any way\Nto do this faster?

I was hoping to fit it in\Nbefore I go back

to "WindWeaver," 'cause I am

completely free until then.

- I might have\Na way to go faster.

- Oh, sorry, everyone.

Uh, this is Shuli...\N- Hi.

- The newest member\Nof the team.

She wouldn't work\Nwith me before

because I was too small-time,

uh, but last night, she emailed\Nbegging me to hire her.

- Oh, I wouldn't say begging.

- Well, I have it here\Nprinted out.

- I will kill you.\N- [clears throat]

- But I do have\Na faster way for producers

to see Cary as a leading man.

Or wait.\NCary, do you have a, um...

[whispering indistinctly]

- Uh, yes.

Yes, I--I do, actually.

- Perfect.\NWe'll be right--

[horn honks]

[wolf whistle]

- Oh, my God.

- Whoa.\NCary Dubek is packing.

- Okay.\NYou got the role.

They can now see you\Nas a leading man.

- Thank you so much, Shuli.

- Hey,\Nthank that big ol' pee-pee.

- Okay, so the next step\Nis financing.

I'll circle up\Nwith the producers,

see what studios\Nthey're out to,

and this part\Nwill take a beat, so...

- Uh, how long is, um, a beat?

- I mean, we're looking for\N$20 million to $25 million,

and--\N- Well, uh,

what if I were\Nto just, uh, call my mom?

Like, could she finance it?

- Damn, Car, you cray.

And I love it.\N- [chuckles]

- Come on.\NWhere are you?

- Hey, Lance.\N- Hey, man.

- Oh.

[scoffs]\NNo shirt, huh?

Looks like someone who works\Nto get attention to me.

- Hi.

Flower delivery for Mr. Arroyo.

Hmm.

- Oh, Debra.

He's the third floor,\Napartment 3C.

- Thank you.

[clears throat]

[sighs]\NOkay.

Hmm, bingo.

Huh, left your email open,\Nidiot.

Okay, let's search "publicist."

Weird, okay.

Uh, "public relations."

No results?

[sighs]

It's okay.

I got plenty of time.

- Whoops.\NForgot something.

- What else can I search?

What would I write\Nin an email to a publicist?

No?

Nothing?

Does he just never\Nsend any emails?

- Oh, hell yeah.\N- [gasps]

- What's going on, man.

Where you going\Non this fine Friday?

- Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

What do I do?

Oh.

I'm not gonna kill him.

- Oh, look who it is.\NGive me that rock, baby.

Let's go.

- I'll just set off\Nthe fire alarm.

Come on, come on,\Ncome on, come on.

Ahh!\N- Okay, girl.

Now give me that spin.

Give me that spin.\N- [whimpering]

- [laughs]\NSee you.

- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

[horn honking]

Okay.

- This would dull\Nan average knife,

but Miracle Blade\Nis not an average knife.

Even a soda can\Nis like butter.

[continues indistinctly]\N- [snoring]

[oven clicking]\N- Oh.

Jesus.

- [continues indistinctly]

- Okay.

- Yo, Mr. McMurtry.\N- Oh.

- It's Lance.\N- Lance.

- Sorry, man.\NForgot to give you your pills.

- Thank you.

Also, I had another accident\Nin my chair.

- It's all good.\NI'll run you a bath.

We'll get you cleaned up.

And I'm gonna\Nclose this window for you.

We gotta keep you safe.

- Hey, Lance.

You're the best man I know.

- Ah, thanks, Mr. M.

[laughter]

- Wait, I actually think\Nthis is

Cary's suit that I'm wearing.\N- Really?

- Yeah.\N- Aw.

- Well,\Nand I love your suit, Pat.

- Oh, why, thank you.

Isn't it so gorgeous?

And so wait,\Nwhen do you go back to work?

- Not till September\Nor, you know,

really, the last week of August

just so I can get\Nmy room set up.

- Still so much time.\NThat's so nice.

- Ope, Mom,\Ncan you grab me a Coke?

- Oh, and some towels.

Sorry, sorry.\N- Sorry.

- Kids.\NAm I right, Pat?

Always needing something\Nfrom you.

[phone buzzing]

- Oh, it's Cary.\N- Aw.

- Hi, honey.\N- Hey, Mom.

Could I have\Nbetween $20 million

and $25 million?

- Uh, for--why, honey?

Oh, also,\Nyou're on speakerphone.

I'm here with Meg and Mark.\N- Hi.

- Hey, Cary.\N- Hi, Cary.

- By the way, I was so sorry

to see those pictures\Nof you online.

First your hole,\Nnow your little penis?

- Oh, no,\Nthe penis was on purpose.

- Oh.\N- Uh, it's for this movie

I'm calling about.\N- On purpose?

- It is this really beautiful\Nindie that needs financing,

and I was wondering\Nif you would want

to help get it off the ground.

It would really,\Nreally mean a lot.

- Uh, okay.

I mean, sure, honey.

- Oh, my God.\N- Uh--

- Thank you so much, Mom.\NThank you.

I really, really appreciate it.

[line beeping]\N- Wow. Okay.

We are really moving.

- For the first time,\NI can see

how you and Brooke\Nare related.

- [laughs]\NOkay, so what's next?

- So the last piece\Nof the puzzle is a director.

I'll move as fast as I can and\Nstart reaching out to people.

- And I'll start generating\NOscar buzz in the press.

In fact, I already\Nsecured you a profile

in "The New York Times."

- Whoa.\NAnd it's not too soon for that?

- No. The Oscar for next year\Nmay have already been won.

We gotta move.\N- Yes. I--I love it.

- So since the movie's\N"One Night with Albert,"

they wanna do a feature\Ncalled "One Night with Cary,"

where the writer\Nwill just hang out with you

and maybe your friends\Nand boyfriend

at a bar or something\Nfor one night with Cary.

Just whatever you do\Non a Friday night.

- Oh.\NUm...sure, yeah.

I mean, I am actually\Nalways hanging out

with my friends and boyfriend,\Nuh, on a Friday night.

- So he'll meet you\Nand your crew at 8:00

wherever you want.\N- Cool.

Uh, yeah, let me just,\Nuh, call, uh,

my boyf and, uh, BFFs

and just make sure we're on\Nfor our normal hang sesh.

- All right.\N[phone buzzes]

Oh. Now it's the sister.\NSorry.

So there was nothing\Nin his email,

and he washed\Nan old man's butt for free?

Maybe they did just ask him.

- Shuli, no.\NHe hired a publicist.

I just need to see\Nhis phone contacts for proof,

but I can't go back in\Nlooking like myself,

because the doorman knows\NI stole his keys.

- That's probably for the best.

- So I went in as a redhead.\N- What?

Why does this even matter?

- Because if he didn't hire\Na publicist, he's, what,

inherently better than us\Nand everyone just knows it?

I mean, what does that\Nmake me, Shuli,

dog shit?

- Okay, this sort of feels\Nlike a therapy situation.

- [whispering] Oh, I gotta go.\NI'll keep you posted.

[line beeping]\N- These fucking Dubeks.

- ♪ My whole life with you ♪

♪ 'Cause you're the sweetest\Ngirl in the entire world ♪

- All right.\N- ♪ And I would die for you ♪

[vocalizing]

- [sighs]\NGod.

Okay.

Michael ConEd.\NNo.

Sharon Haircut.\NNo.

Where is publicist?

[phone ringing and buzzing]\NOh.

- [singing indistinctly]

- [groans]\NUnreal.

Mom?

- Hi, Brookie.\NGuess what I'm playing.

"Apples to Apples"!

- Ew. Literally why?\N- Oh.

- Oh, what do you think\Nabout doing an exposé

on "P!" about nurses?

Like, how much good\Ndo they really do?

Because between you and me,

feels like it's more\Nthe doctors.

- Um, sure, honey.

I mean, I guess we could--

- And since we're not getting\Nthe recognition we deserve

for our\N"Night of Undeniable Good,"

I wanna have meetings\Nall next week

about more good stuff\Nwe can do for "P!," okay?

- Oh, rats.

- Oh, fuck.\NHe's out of the shower.

I gotta go.\N[line beeping]

- God. She hung up.

- Okay.

Oh!

- Wait.\NWhere's my phone?

God, I always lose that thing.

But wait, there's an app\NBrooke told me about

I can use to find it.

It makes my phone emit\Na big, loud screeching noise.

- Uh--\N- Wait, shit, what's it called?

- [scoffs] Doesn't remember\N'cause he never listens.

Yet everyone says he's--\N- Oh!

Find My Phone!

Brooke told me about it\Nat the zoo.

She had just said\Nthat Alexis Bledel

is probably mean in real life.

- Okay, so he does listen?

But who the hell talks\Nto themselves this much,

like, out loud?

Who's this even--\N[phone pinging]

[gasps]

- Wait, it's outside?

How's it--

[metal clanking]\N- Aah!

[thud]

What? Yo!

Hey, man! What the hell?\N- It's okay.

He's not gonna chase me\Nin just a towel.

- Get back here, or I'll have\Nto chase you in just a towel!

- Fuck.\N[groaning]

- Hey!

Hey!\N- Huh?

[birds chirping]

- Okay, where is my boyfriend?

[laughter]

- Nice and light, man,\Nall right?

Nice.

[dramatic music]

- Oh, there he is.

- Out of whiskey.

[glass shatters]\N- Hey, honey.

Uh, just, uh, stopping by\Nto see if I could ask a fave.

Um, so "The Times" wants to do\Nthis really cool profile on me

where I hang out\Nwith my boyfriend--

- You know we can't be seen\Nin town together.

We'll get ourselves killed...\Nor worse.

- Totally.

I know, uh, you are\Na closeted sheepherder now

and we are only supposed\Nto really hang up here

on the range,

but I just thought\Nmaybe this once--

- Oh, I'm so fucked up\Nsince I met you.

I'm just--I'm nowhere.

I'm nothing.

[whimpers]

- Sorry,\Nis this from your new movie?

Because it's very similar\Nto "Brokeback."

- It's just, what we're doing\Nup here, it ain't right.

It ain't natural.

- It's also like\N"God's Own Country"?

Wait, are they making\Nanother one of these?

Or wait, is this...sex?

Are we about to have sex?

Oh, right.\NThey have sex in these.

These characters do have sex.

Oh, thank the Lord, yeah.\NLet me see that dick.

Let me see that big, fat--\N- [growls]

- Okay, whoa.

Getting right to it.\NI guess I'll have to see

that dick later,\Nbut, yes, let's--oh.

Sorry, I just wanna make sure\Nwe have lube in the tent.

Not sure I saw--\N- [spits]

- Hmm.

Not quite sure\Nthat's gonna do the trick.

Is there really\Nno lube in here?

Well, let's at least do more\Nthan just the one--oh!

[groans]\NI mean, yes.

Oh, finally happening.

- Yeah.\N- Love this.

[grunts]\NHooray.

- Okay,\Nso that's a no on the boyf.

Guess I'll try some friends.

Oof.

[sighs]

[clears throat]

[line trills]

Hey, um, so I am calling\Nbecause I need some friends

for this, uh,\N"New York Times" thing tonight,

and I'm not sure\Nif we are friends, uh, but--

- Cary, you are my best friend.

Oh, but sadly, I do have plans\Ntonight with, um, a lady.

- Oh, okay, well,\NI'm--I'm glad you're--

you're getting back\Nout there.

And that's cool.

I've got tons of other people\NI could try.

- So I wasn't dead last?\N[line beeping]

Hell--hello?

- Uh...

[line trills]

[phone buzzing]

[phone pinging]\N- Hey, get back here, man!

- Cary?\NWhy are you calling Lance?

- Brooke?\NWhy do you have Lance's phone?

And what's that alarm?

And why does it sound\Nlike you might be dying?

- 'Cause I stole it to prove\Nthat he hired a publicist,

but then he saw,\Nso he started chasing me.

And I tried to lose him\Nby running

into some random building,\Nbut it turns out,

it's a fucking utility closet\Nor something.

And now I'm trapped\Nlike a goddamn animal. Fuck!

- So I take it neither of you\Nare free for a party tonight.

Also, why didn't you\Njust drop the phone?

- 'Cause I know there's\Na clue in here, Cary.

I just gotta find it.\N- Hey, yo, man!

I know you're in there!

- Fuck.\NHe's right above me.

I gotta go, Car.\N- Ugh.

So I guess I'll just text\Nevery single person

in my phone and hope someone\Nshows up to be my friend?

both: God,\Nthat's some dark shit.

- Come on, dude!\NGame over!

There's nowhere else to run!

And you know what?\NI'm calling the cops!

- Yeah, fuck, fuck, fuck.

- Is what I would say\Nif I didn't believe

that we all make mistakes!

- [groans]\NCome on.

- 'Cause you may have done\Nsome bad things,

but I don't think\Nyou're a bad person.

- You don't?

- So how about you just give me\Nmy phone back,

and I'll let you go\Nbut not before

giving you $600\Nin cold hard cash.

You can go get yourself\Na hot meal or maybe even

a new phone, 'cause it seems\Nlike you really need one.

- Jesus,\Ndid "People" just find him?

[phone buzzing]

Wait, holy shit.

My PR crew?

"You guys got me this"?

Yes!\NFucking knew it, baby!

[knocking]\N- Hey, man, I'm sorry.

It's just, it's been,\Nlike, this kind of

weird amount of time without\Nyou responding, so I'm just--

can I have it back?

- Oh.\N[with deep voice] Yeah, sure.

[normally] 'Cause I got just\Nwhat I need.

- Thank you.

- Also, I do need a new phone.

[upbeat music playing]

♪ ♪

- Thanks so much\Nfor doing a profile like this.

We find it to be a fun peek\Ninside a celeb's life.

It lets the reader experience\Nthem with their loved ones,

their friends.\N- Totally.

Uh, such a fun idea.

- Can you introduce me\Nto everyone?

- Oh, yeah, sorry.\NUh, how rude of me.

Um, this is my ex-agent,\Nuh, Shrimp Scampi.

- No, actually, it's--\Nit's Skip Schamplin.

Wait, hold on.\NIs it Shrimp Scampi?

Huh.\NThey both sound right.

- Oh, my God.

And, uh, this is\NVishant Acharya,

another dear friend I met when\NI worked at his restaurant.

- Yes, though it, uh, sadly\Nshuttered on March 12, 2020.

That fateful day, someone\Nfound a rat in their pasta.

- Ew.\NAnd, uh, finally,

this is Michael...

Haircut or, uh--

- My last name's\Nactually Engel.

I just used to cut his hair.

- So yeah, these my besties.

Love these kooks.

Uh, anyway, guys, go,\Ndance, mingle.

- How unusual\Nall your best friends

are from\Nyour very distant past.

- Well, I'm humble.

I still cherish\Nthe people who--

who knew me when.

Yeah, let's--\Nlet's go with that angle.

[sighs]

God, please let\Nsomeone real show up.

- So you stole his phone

and he chased you\Nfor three miles

to give you $600?

Yeah, I think\Nit's time to call it.

He's just that good.\N- Nope, no,

because then I saw a text\Nfrom his PR crew.

They're coming over at 8:00,\Nso I'm thinking

I could get there early,\Nhide in his closet,

and then catch him in the act.

- Brooke, do not do that.

- Okay, I will take that\Ninto consideration.

- Plus, the doorman\Ndefinitely knows your face now.

I mean, you'd have\Nto go back in in, like,

full prosthetics...\N[laughs]

Like your mom used to do.

- No, you're right.

That would be too far.

- That would be\Ntruly unhinged.

It would be like\Nthe Brooke I knew is dead

and a new, darker Brooke\Nhad risen in her place.

- Cool.\NThen yeah, I won't do it.

[buzzer blares]\N- Oh.

- [whispering]\NOh, okay, I gotta go.

I'm walking into a movie.

- She's not walking\Ninto a movie.

- It's open.

- Showtime, baby.

Time to see your PR crew,\NNurse Arroyo,

because I know you got down\Nin the muck for this.

- Uncle Lance,\NUncle Lance, Uncle Lance!

- Huh?\N- Yes!

The whole Puerto Rico crew!

- Oh, my God, it's his entire\Nextended family

from Puerto Rico?

- We're so proud of you, Lance!

- Hey, you guys got me this.

- Let's celebrate Lance\Nall night.

- Cary,\NI don't know if you heard,

but they're making\Nanother movie

that's kind of like\N"Brokeback Mountain."

- No, I'm--\NI'm painfully aware.

- Oh, I think\Nanother friend is here.

- Oh, good, I look forward\Nto turning around

and seeing who it is.

- Hey, Gary.

- Hey.\NUh, everyone,

my old Improv 101 teacher.

Yep, another one\Nof my true ride-or-dies.

Tom.

- Hey, thank you so much\Nfor sticking with me

despite the allegations.

- Uh, sorry, what allegations?

- Hmm?\N- Okay, what do you say

we get the whole posse together\Nfor a pic?

- Oh, sure.\NUm, and--

and why don't we have\Nmy improv teacher take it?

- Shouldn't we wait\Nfor the old guy?

I think he went to go pee.

♪ ♪

- So much better\Nwhen it's not crowded.

Whoa, Vishant?

Long time, no see.

- What?

We've been hanging here\Nall night.

You invited me to this.

- What?\NWha--

oh, wait, is Cary here?

I'm the other gay waiter.

But I guess it's cool,

like, you and he still hang.

- Yeah,\N"The New York Times"

is doing a profile on him,

and they wanted all of his\Nbest friends to be here for it.

So naturally, he thought of me.

- Hey, why is Cary Dubek

taking pics\Nwith the guy who cuts my hair?

- And the guy who cuts my hair?

- Thanks again\Nfor flying us all in, cuz.

I don't know anyone\Nmore dedicated to his family

than you.

- God, I cannot\Ndo this all night.

I guess I'll sneak out\Na third time?

- Wait,\Ndid I ever tell you guys

about the time Lance tried\Nto donate so much blood,

he passed out?\N[laughter]

- Yeah, I'm out of here.\N- He just kept saying,

"Please, let me donate more.\NPeople need the blood."

- Yeah, like,\N4 liters of the stuff.

[buzzer blares]\N- Hey, everybody!

- Aunt Connie, you made it.

My girl!\N- Aunt--Aunt Connie?

- How's your leg?\N- I'm so sorry I'm late.

- Please, who cares?\NWe just wanna see that ring!

- Let's go!

- Aw, Connie's getting married?\N- Look at it.

- Okay, wait, wait,\NI got another one.

Remember the time that Lance\Nsaved that little bird?

- Oh, my God!

I have a "Lance saving\Na little animal" story too!

- Me too.\N- Me three!

- Okay, no, bye.

[muffled chatter]

- You know, Cary?\N- Yeah.

- This man has\Na very interesting look.

Are you in need\Nof an acting agent?

- No,\NI'm a full-time journalist.

- Are you in need\Nof an assistant?

Perhaps a brand-new\NTempur-Pedic mattress?

- Oh, my God.

- I'm very good at picking out\Na person's firmness.

You look like a seven to me.\N- Hey, guess what.

I saw Cary downstairs.\N- What?

I'm Cary.

Or wait, is--is Curtis here?

You--you didn't tell him\Nwhy you were here, right?

Just 'cause, uh, I--

I don't want him to be mad\Nthat I invited you and not him.

That's all.\N- No.

I didn't tell him,\Nbut I met all his friends,

and they're so nice.

And his boyfriend,\Nhe's hot too.

Great big lads.

- Wait, he has--\Nhe has a boyfriend now?

That's--that's great.\N- Yeah.

And they're all going\Nto Curtis' aunt's house

in the Hamptons\Nfor his birthday next week.

- Major jeals, right?

- Yeah, no, he, uh--\Nhe always does that.

It's--it's fun.

It's, um--\Nyeah, I'm happy for him.

- So we're gonna add a little\Nbit of cheese to that...

- [grunting]

[sighs]

Damn it.

Shit.

[horn honking]

- [breathing heavily]

- [muffled]\NJesus Christ.

[grunts]\NOkay.

Oh.

Not doing that again.

[groaning]

[oven clicking]

[gasps]

What?\NOh, my God.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Aah!

What do I do?\NAah!

[whimpering]

Fuck.\NPlease, no.

Ugh!

[flames roaring]

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

- Fuck, fuck, fuck!

[upbeat music playing]

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God!\NOh, my God!

Oh, my God!\N[fire alarm blaring]

Okay, so now it goes off?

- I'm sure I have at least 30.

- Okay, everybody downstairs.\NGo.

I'm right behind you.

I just wanna make sure\Neveryone else is out safe.

- [coughing]\N- What's your emergency?

- Please, quick!\NThere's a fire.

- Don't worry.\NHelp is on the way.

[door banging]

- Hello, ma'am!\NI'm here to help!

- Whoa.\NThat was actually so fast.

- My name is Lance Arroyo.

- [groans]\NJust leave me.

Let me die.\N- ♪ Dance until we ♪

- Hey, Mack.

Just checking in on the, uh,\Ndirector sitch.

As a reminder, I am fully\Nfree until "WindWeaver."

Nothing else going on.\NSo, uh, excited to shoot.

[sighs]

- Hey, is Lucas Lambert Moy\Ncoming tonight?

Would love to have him\Nfor this.

- No.\NNo, no, no.

Uh, even though things are

so, so great with us\Nright now, um,

I do--I just like to keep\Nmy Fridays for just my friends.

Holy shit. Edie?

Uh, speaking of, uh, one of my\Nvery best friends is here now.

- Hi.\NCan you tell me

who invited me to this thing?

I, uh--I didn't save\Nthe number.

It's not familiar to me,\Nand they've been

texting me for, like, a year.

It's starting to drive me nuts.

Oh, Cary Dubek.

All right, that makes sense.

Uh, all right,\NI have a dinner thing,

so as far as you know,\NI was--I was never here.

- Wait--Edie?

Edie.

Edie. Edie!

- Okay, let's move.\N- Yeah, let's do it.

- Um, I should just probably\Nsay bye to Cary first, right?

Like, if Vishant\Ntold him I was here,

I--I don't wanna be\Nan asshole, so...

Okay, um, I guess never mind.

- [groans]

- Hey, Cary Dubek?

- Oh, my God.

Are we friends?\NHi.

- No, I'm with Sallie Mae.

You haven't made a loan payment\Nin seven years,

but you texted me\Nyour location,

so I thought I'd show up\Nand get the $14,000 in person.

Credit card?

[indistinct chatter, laughter]

- [sighs]

[triumphant music]

[cheers and applause]

[in slow motion]\N- Ugh.

- You're gonna be okay.

[normally]\N- Okay, no.

I can--you know,\NI can walk from here,

but thank you, sonny.

- You got her?\N- Oh, my God.

Your eyebrow's falling off.

- Oh, um, guess that fire\Nreally licked me good.

[cheers and applause]\N- Yes! Yes!

Rescue me, Daddy!

- Okay,\Nsort of feels like you guys

could take it from here, no?

- Okay,\Nis everyone accounted for?

- Yeah, yeah.\NThat's everyone.

- Let's hear it\Nfor my sobrino Lance!

[cheers and applause]

- Oh, wait, hold on, hold on.\NWhere's Connie?

- What?\N- [gasps]

Did she not come out with us?\N- I--I didn't see her.

- Oh, shit.\NConnie, oh, my God.

- She's still inside!\N- What?

- Connie!\N- Aunt Connie!

- Connie's still in there?\N- Aunt Connie!

- C-Connie's still in there?

- My God.\N[sirens wailing]

[horn blaring]

- [belches]\NOh, God.

Fucking tent.

- [snoring]

Is that a bear?

- No, it's me.

It's just me.

Listen,\NI can't do this anymore.

I'm so fucked up.

I'm so fucked up\Nsince I met you.

I just--I got no one,\Nnothing.

It's not right\Nwhat we're doing together.

It's not natural.\NI just--

I wish I knew how to--\Noh, my God, I almost said

quit you.\NJesus!

It shouldn't be like this.

It shouldn't fucking\Nbe like this.

[both breathing heavily]

[both grunting]

[both grunting]

- [groans]

Yeah.\N[grunting]

Oh.

[grunting]

Oh, yes.

Oh.\N[messages swooshing]

[sirens wailing]

- FD's here.

- Oh, my God.\NI killed Connie.

Wait, where's that from?\N- She was just with us.

She was dancing.\N- No, she got tired, remember?

- Yeah, I saw her go lie down.

- Shit. So she's sleeping?

- We got one trapped inside.\NLet's go.

Move, please.\NMove, please.

Go, go, go, go, go!\N- Oh, my--fuck.

Fuck.

- [laughs]

Look at me!

I'm being saved!

- [sighs]\N- Oh, my God.

- Connie!\N- What?

I saw everybody else\Ngetting the royal treatment,

so I ducked back in,\Nand now I'm being saved

by "People's" sexiest man.

- Ew!

You're related to him, Connie.

- Oh, my God.\NThank God, Connie.

- Okay, folks,\Nfire's been contained.

There is some damage\Nto the kitchen in 4C.

Could have been worse.\NCould have been a lot worse.

Special thanks to Mr. Arroyo\Nfor getting everyone out.

[cheers and applause]

- Lance!

- It's okay. You guys just\Nhad me freaked out, yo!

- Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

I guess he is just that good.

He is truly good, and I am...\Nbad?

I don't think it could be\Nany clearer that I am just bad.

[phone ringing]

What? Hello?

- Hi, there.\NGood evening.

My name is Angelica Yates.

I'm with\Nthe GFP Board of Jurors.

Is this Brooke Dubek?

- Yeah, this is she.

- I'm calling to inform you\Nthat "ChaseDreams Presents:

A Night of Undeniable Good"\Nhas been selected to receive

the 2023 Peabody Award\Nfor Excellence in Media

in the category\Nof Public Service.

- What?\NA Peabody Award?

- Yes.\NCongrat--

- Oh, my God.

I am good!

Yes!

Brooke Dubek is good!

- My fucking kitchen!

- [groaning]

[laughs]

That was incredible.\N- [sighs]

So much better\Nthan Marvel's Simu Liu.

- [chuckles]

- Oh, I've missed\Nyou so much, Streety.

- I missed you too,\Nmy Patricia.

- But this just\Ncan't happen again.

- No.

No, no, no,\Nbecause I thought about it,

and it could be fun\Nthat you always need to wear

prosthetics to go to dinner.

It'll be like every day\Nis Halloween.

- No.

I just--I can't have you\Nbe part of my family

anymore, Streeter.

I need you\Nto just be my manager

so my family can be my family.

- What do you mean?

- I just--\N[sighs]

I didn't miss anything\Nin Ohio except my kids.

I was there, and I realized\NI don't have my kids anymore

or not the way I had them.

And everything in my life\Ncan be insane

but not me and them.

We need to be normal.

And if we're normal,\Nthen I can handle the rest.

So first thing tomorrow, I need\Nto pull out of Cary's movie.

And I need to--

I need to fire Brooke\Nas my manager.

Okay, good night.

[sighs]

- Uh-oh.

[upbeat music]

- [singing in Spanish]

♪ ♪