Original subtitles

( 'GOLDEN BROWN' PLAYS )

SONG: � Golden brown, texture like sun

� Lays me down, with my mind she runs

� Throughout the night

� No need to fight

� Never a frown with golden brown

� Every time just like the last

� On her ship tied to the mast

� To distant lands

� Takes both my hands

� Never a frown with golden brown... �

Flip, turn the fucking TV off! People are trying to sleep.

( SONG CONTlNUES lN BACKGROUND )

Flip, have some fucking consideration!

( SOUND MUTES ) For Christ's sake, Flip!

Flipster?

(Quietly) Oh, shit!

Shit!

Fuck!

( ENERGETlC ROCK MUSlC )

SONG: � Don't you wanna be

� A personality?

� An ocean in the sea?

� But you'll never make it if you can't shake it

� So don't mistake it Just try and fake it

� And l want you to know

� You don't have far to go

� So we'll use all your dough

� To buy new clothes and see what flows

� And powder your nose for those photos

� You're almost on your way

� To popularity

� And we'll teach you to play

� With icy stare and punk-rock hair

� And beatnik flare We'll take you there

� And there's so many round like you

� And we don't care just what you're doing

� After we have gone our separate ways

� Yeah, yeah

� Yeah, hey! �

(Croaks)

MAN: Fore!

Shit!

MAN: Bullshit! MAN: lt's not bullshit.

lt's fucking bullshit!

White's bleeding over Orange.

Cradles him in his arms and says, ''l love you, man.''

lt's fucking bullshit and even if it wasn't,

they'd say it like blokes say to each other.

GOLFER: Fore! ( WHACK! )

(Sings) � All the leaves are... All the leaves are brown

� And the sky is grey... �

Then Orange says back...

..''l love you too, man.''

Yeah, they're saying, ''l love you, man.''

Not, ''l LOVE you, man.''

� l went for a walk

� On a winter's day... �

Why would he say that?

Why would he say ''l love you too,'' if he wasn't a pillow biter?

He's bleeding to death.

You say shit like that when you're bleeding to death.

� l'd be safe and warm if l was in... �

He's been holding it in the whole time.

He thinks he's going to die. He has to let it out.

Otherwise, his secret will be carried to the grave.

Bull-fucking-shit! l love Danny here.

But it doesn't mean l'm a fucking chocolate dipper.

l'm no fucking chocolate dipper, mate.

What about that bit

where they're pointing guns at each other?

What about it?

Well, maybe it's not really their guns they're pointing.

There's no way, pal!

No way! No fucking way!

Dude, l've seen it like 1 8 times.

lt's fucking bullshit!

There's no fucking chocolate dippers in that movie!

lt's my favourite fucking movie!

You're all fucking ruining it for me!

(Sings) � California dreaming... �

lt slices a bit to the right, dude.

Fore! ( WHACK! )

l knew this bloke once, right?

And...

..he used to masturbate so much

that he grew very fond of his hand.

So much so

that he began talking to it and he put a little face on it.

And he called it Muriel.

And after a while, Muriel began to talk back to him.

Fore! ( SPLAT! )

He'd get her all dolled up in make-up

and specially made little clothes.

And at night she'd go down

and make intense, mad, passionate love to him.

Anyway, one night about 3am, he wakes up in a cold sweat.

And he hears all this panting and moaning and groaning

coming from the next-door neighbour's apartment.

And he looks down at his hand...

There's nothing there. lt's gone.

lt's just this bloody stump.

So he staggers out into the hallway

and he sees that the next-door neighbour's door's wide open.

So he pops his head in and what does he see?

On the bed, his hand, Muriel, all dressed up to the nines,

make-up on, going down on the next-door neighbour.

lt's a true story.

Yeah, l heard tell once, dudes,

a guy has about 4,000 times in him before he's all used up.

That's fucking bullshit! More like 40,000.

ln your dreams, stick man. Add it up!

Two times a day, seven days a week,

for what, l don't know, 40 years?

Two times a day?

Who gets to do it two times a fucking day?

Me and Jess used to. Two times a day...

Me and Jess used to do it five times a day.

For 40 years? What about hangovers?

What about Christmas Day?

How can you do it five times on Christmas Day

while the family's sitting around carving up the turkey?

Make up for it at night with the wife.

What wife? You haven't had a wife in over six months.

l haven't got a problem getting women.

l've got this thing l can do that sends them gaga.

How exactly do you mean 'gaga'?

Gaga. lnsane, berserk, talking in tongues. You know, gaga.

What, like some sort of secret weapon?

Some kind of like weird sideways movement?

Can't really say, Flip. But it's pretty special, though.

lt could be worth a lot of money.

Let's just get this straight.

You're 20-something years old.

You have no job, no money, very few prospects.

You haven't been seen in the vicinity of anything

which even faintly resembles a member of the opposite sex

in over six months.

And yet, you sit here and tell us

that you have some kind of special thing

that makes the other side go gaga.

Well, if it makes them go so fucking gaga,

then what the fuck are you doing here with us losers?

Yeah, he's got a point there, Danster.

Yeah, well,

l didn't say it fixed all the emotional stuff, did l?

Did l hear someone mention emotional stuff?.

MAN: A writer?

You're a writer?

l'm a writer.

l worked at Burger King

for three years before getting this job.

l've got an arts degree.

lf we get you a job that says you lick toilet bowls,

then that's what you do.

You lick toilet bowls.

(Laughs)

(Mutters) A writer?

Jesus.

You can't write. l can write.

Philosophical insights...

Direct experience with the mystery of being...

Dusky whores...

Russian transvestites...

An unfinished thesis on the 1 0 most painful human emotions

does not constitute writing.

Got stuck on jealousy.

lf it points inwards, it means your heart's full.

lf it points outwards, it means your heart's empty.

You'd better spin it round, then.

She might change her mind.

She ran off with your best friend.

She said l didn't let her breathe.

She said she needed some space.

You followed her every time she left.

You sat outside the door when she went to the toilet.

ls it my fault l worried

l didn't have a reason to exist whenever she wasn't around?

What about a muse?

Enigmatic, mysterious, intelligent of spirit...

All great writers have a muse.

What about teletype paper?

Excuse me?

Kerouac wrote on the road on an entire roll of teletype paper.

He reckoned the pages imposed an artificial structure

on his stream of consciousness.

l heard tell once, dude,

you write a story for 'Penthouse',

they pay you 25 G's, minimum.

25 grand?

Yeah, minimum!

lt won't budge. That must mean something, mustn't it?

Means you're getting fat.

She said she needed to live a little.

What does that mean, ''live a little''?

Lead melts at 335 degrees Centigrade.

The last tram leaves the town hall at 1 1 :05pm.

That's so fucking true.

( BELL RlNGS )

(Whispers) Oh, shit!

(European accent) l have come about the room.

( UPBEAT MUSlC )

lt's a tent. Bank clerk lives there.

Half rent. Saves money.

Do you mind? lt's not for rent.

Name's Jabber. Jabber the Hut.

Anya.

l control the remote. Understand?

Remote stays with me at all times.

l do not believe in the watching of television.

lt is the opiate of the masses.

l'll just pretend you never said that.

l need to know if the fridge has ever had any meat in it.

( WHACK! )

l am...how you say...

..non-eater of meat.

Vego. Vego.

Fridge is cool.

Nothing but poundcake, beer and fish fingers.

What is this...fish fingers?

Rectangular... Fish...

Fried. Crunchy.

Good.

The roof, on the other hand... Flip!

lt's a beef patty. Been up there for years.

( DOOR OPENS )

Stand back, people. We're going in!

ls that wise? l'm sure l saw something moving this morning.

You've got to watch out for the sneakers.

When they're replaced by army boots, it's random sniper time.

Fore! ( WHACK! )

( SPLAT! )

''Enigmatic, mysterious, intelligent of spirit...''

You're talking about the girl l intend to marry.

One. All intelligence must be shared.

Wasn't there an Anya in 'War and Peace'?

Two. Everyone's got to give it their best shot.

Chemistry, Danny. Can't beat chemistry.

Three. There is to be no lying, cheating or backstabbing.

Maybe it's Dostoevski.

'Brothers Karamazov', l think.

Guy who gets the first date gets a clear run.

Loser runs around the house three times

with his undies on his head.

Did you see the sparks fly between us?

lt's a done deal, my son. Don't even go there.

l thought you all hated vegetarians.

True love knows no boundaries, Sammy.

And she's not adverse to the occasional fish finger.

Basically, we're willing to make concessions.

Are we agreed?

l'm not like you guys. l'm in it for the long haul.

We can deal with that. We'll work around it.

lt's a bonding thing. Blokes got to stick together.

All for one, one for all. That sort of thing.

Guys with hard-ons.

Blood rushes from their brains to their dicks

and they all become real stupid.

MAN: Mr Kirkhope?

Yes?

l wonder if we might have a few moments of your time.

Every month,

$563 is supposed to be delivered

to a certain post office box at the Brisbane GPO.

( VOlCE CHATTERS ON PHONE )

For the last four months, this has not happened.

Do any of you have any reason...

..for this?

You do know those things give you brain tumours, don't you?

Um... (Clears throat)

We seem to be going through

a bit of a transitionary fiscal crisis at the moment.

He means a recession.

We're considering it the recession we had to have.

l think we got ourselves a couple of smart-arses.

Are any of you shitheads related

to a copper or a pollie?

Looks like we're in the clear.

Damn good tea.

lt's chai from lndia.

Biscuit? No, thank you.

We're expecting a big cheque at the end of the month.

25 G's from 'Penthouse' magazine.

What do you do? Pose for a fucking centrefold?

No, l'm a writer. l write for 'Penthouse' magazine.

No kidding.

You got a machine?

Er, l've got an Underwood.

ls that Mac or Windows?

lt's a typewriter.

Don't sound like no fucking writer to me, mate.

Oh, well, Hunter S. Thompson used an Underwood.

Er, Kerouac, Hemingway used an Underwood.

Stephen King? Stephen King wrote heaps of stuff on an Underwood.

Are we going to get our bond back?

Did anyone say you could talk, dickstrap?

Did anybody here say

you could open your dirty, fucking, stinking little trap?

lf l get a tumour, funboy,

l'm going to hold you personally fucking responsible.

Us again.

One of the life forms here

has raised a question about the bond.

Yeah.

Sure.

Sure. No problem. Can do.

Four months' back rent.

Two months' rent in advance.

End of week.

Otherwise...

Comprehende?

Do you think it's true about the brain tumour?

Supposed to be.

You can get headset, you know.

Keep the phone in your pocket, talk into the mike.

You'd look like a frigging receptionist!

lt's an earphone thing!

'Penthouse' magazine?

''Enter me...

''..enter me,''...

..she gasped.

( BELL DlNGS )

''Enter me hard, enter me deep. l want you inside me.

''Yes, yes! lnsert yourself, Rodney.

''l want you now, entering hard, entering deep, yes, now, oh.''

''l entered her''?

''He entered me''?

''l wanted him inside me.''

What are we? Cars? Elevators?

Hotel rooms that guys can crawl inside of,

eat, sleep and leave a big mess for someone to clear up?

lt's for 'Penthouse' magazine.

l just don't think

anyone should enter or get entered, that's all.

What about the 25 grand?

1 5?

You want the truth?

( OUTSlDE DOOR CLOSES )

ANYA: This...

Just put it on the right.

You sure you don't need any help?

Maybe later, l think.

All these words for a woman who doesn't want sex -

'frigid', 'uptight', 'cold', 'icy'.

Can you think of one word for a man who doesn't want sex?

Dead.

( DlSTANT SlNGALONG )

(Men sing) � Girl, l'm sorry l was blind

� You were always on my mind

� You were always on my mind

� Tell me

� Tell me that your sweet love hasn't died... �

Scary. � Give me... �

Must be...how you say?

� Give me one more chance... �

Bonding. � To keep you satisfied... �

l've said it before. lt's a tribal thing.

Go in boys and come out men.

(lmitates guitar)

� Little things l should have said and done... �

They'll be circumcising themselves with sharp rocks

any minute now.

JABBER: Sing it, fellows!

� You were always on my mind

� You were always on my mind... �

Getting some serious rays there, Flip?

l'm moontanning, man. Full moon.

You don't get 'em every day.

No, you don't.

Do you ever wonder if it's all a big con, Flip?

Eh?

This. Everything.

What if none of it really exists?

What if it's like some big experiment,

and we're like ants trapped in a giant Petri dish?

What if there's a greater intelligence out there

and it's creating everything purely as a way

of stopping us going insane on them?

What if nothing really exists until we sense it?

My...my room doesn't exist until l walk into it.

Front yard doesn't exist until l experience it.

You don't exist.

l don't...exist?

Well, you could be just a projection of my inner psyche

materialised from my brain in order to keep me company.

What about the cashmere sweater babes over the road

with their swishy little skirts and all?

Would they be from your inner psyche or mine?

Probably yours, l reckon, Flip.

Took off a while ago with some rugby types.

Losers, man. Forget them. No. We're connected, man.

Once you have them by the moonlight,

they never want to go back.

lt would mean that when we close our eyes,

everything disappears.

And if we open them fast enough...

..we might be able to catch the greater intelligence out

and see that there's actually nothing there.

What if l kept mine open while you shut yours?

No, you're just being stupid now, Flip.

lt doesn't work like that.

There may be some sort of delay switch happening.

Tomorrow is the shortest day of the year.

ln pagan times,

it would be time for the king to be sacrificed...

..and for the queen to select a new man to be her king.

May l?

Seems a bit rough on the poor old kings, doesn't it?

lt was a great honour.

Their blood had to be poured into the ground

to make the earth fertile again

and the harvest plentiful.

Makes you sort of thankful for crop rotation, doesn't it?

The female fertility cycle is 28 days.

The lunar moonth is 28 days.

A month. No, moonth.

The moonth is a lunar month,

the same as a woman's fertility cycle.

1 3 moonths fit exactly into one year.

At the end of the 1 3th moonth, the king must die.

Oh, well. l guess if it helps for the harvest...

When the patriarchy took over,

they abolished the 1 3th moonth

to stop the killing of the kings.

That's why they say 1 3 is the unlucky number.

Why should 1 3 be the unlucky number?

Just because some man didn't want to be bled to death.

l get very pissed off about that.

Men are bastards.

l hear about your secret weapon.

To make us go, how you say?

Gaga? (Clears throat)

Uh, will you excuse me for a moment?

GOATEE: l'm telling you, bud, if this deal comes together,

it's just going to be one long line of kneeling down,

dick-sucking motherfuckers waiting for me to come along

and give them a taste of the big fellow here.

How will you get the designs on?

l don't see how you'll do that.

(Coughs)

Any fucker propeller head can do the designs, bud.

Those lines and dots they've got...

..can be changed into, like, ridges and bumps

for added sensitivity.

Fucking guy's going to think he's fucking Tarzan.

(Chuckles)

( BONG HlSSES AND GURGLES )

You got a name for it yet?

We're going to call him the 'Woomera'.

Think about it.

''Go further, longer with the Woomera.''

( DOOR THUDS )

l thought we said no fucking backstabbing!

What are you talking about?

You told her! Told her what?

Secret weapon, talking in tongues, gaga.

We never!

What about ''all for one and one for all''?

Male bonding, remember?

We was doing you a favour, man.

We thought she'd be impressed. We thought she'd want a taste.

Yeah, right.

lt's going to be fucking huge, man.

Guys are going to be beating down my fucking door

to buy condoms with Aboriginal tribal paintings on them.

( FOOTSTEPS APPROACH )

( KNOCK AT DOOR ) l'm not here.

( DOOR CREAKS )

Excuse me.

Do you want to get married?

We get married,

we live together.

We sit...

..and face the same direction.

We stare at the same thing.

We have conversation that lasts no longer

than the commercial breaks on TV.

And one day,

we wake up.

We look in the mirror...

..and we wonder what happened to our lives.

You sure that's what happens?

There's no hope?

Very little.

Pages, uh, tend to impose an artificial structure

on my stream of consciousness.

They don't make teletype paper anymore.

l've already looked.

Show me your hand.

You are deeply aware of your own sense of melodrama.

You lack faith in yourself...

..but expect faith in others.

You project your insecurities onto everyone around you.

You reject happiness as being shallow and superficial.

You embrace postmodernism...

..to avoid having an original thought.

You criticise yourself because...

..it places you above criticism.

You desire what you hate

and you hate what you desire.

And you always have to kill what you love the most.

You can see all that?

Nothing is new anymore.

Everything is rehashed.

Do you think there's such a thing as human nature?

Do you think l can invite some friends for a party?

(Exhales)

Don't see why not.

( THUD! )

DANNY: ''There once...

''..was a...man...

''..who used to masturbate...''

( DlNG! )

''..so much...''

( JAUNTY MUSlC ) (Whistles)

(Sighs) Fuck.

''John and Marjorie Lewis

''request the pleasure of the company of Daniel Kirkhope

''to celebrate the marriage of Jessica Kate and James Lindsay

''at the St Stephens Chapel.''

You know, there are nuances tenth time around

that slip by you at first.

l broke bread with these people, Sammy.

Me and Matt swapped cooking tips.

They obviously don't understand

the religious significance of that act.

l thought they understood me.

l thought they... sympathised with me.

Bit selfish of them to side with their own flesh and blood.

lt's a fucking betrayal. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Roses, Danny. Roses.

Candlelit dinner,

glass of wine, bit of a spliff and boof!

Boof.

Boof.

You old romantic, you.

She wants a party with some friends.

l said it would be cool.

(Whoops)

You can't beat roses, Danny.

Add them to the local all-you-can-eat salad bar

and you've got yourself one deadly combination.

You want to get married?

Can't. Got to go out later.

Good evening.

l move in now, yes?

Yes?

l move in now?.

l'm sorry, the room is taken.

Bond.

Do we have a name?

Yes.

Your name. What is your name?

Sam. Danny.

Flip.

Jabber the Hut.

Oh! 'Star Wars Trilogy'.

Got it in one, Tiger Girl.

You, yes?

Hai! Satomi. Satomi.

Where are we going to put her?

What do you think?

DANNY: They look different,

they talk different,

they know things we can't even begin to comprehend.

lf that's not a sign of an alien, what is?

He your boyfriend?

Do l look like a masochist?

They come down here, get impregnated with our seed,

then bugger off back to the Planet Beautiful,

where only women are allowed to live.

l want to find that planet. OK, Tiger Girl.

l want to live there.

Either we find the equivalent of Colombia's national debt

in the next 24 hours,

or seriously consider some kind of ritualised mass suicide.

What is going on out there? ( CHANTlNG )

Didn't your sisters who run with the wolves tell you?

(People chant) � Shekhinah, Morgana

� Maya, lzanami, Shakti... �

Explanation?

Winter solstice blue moonth.

Some poor bastard's got to be sacrificed

so that the earth may bear fruit.

Seems a bit rough on the bloke.

That's what l said,

but l obviously wasn't taking into account

4,000 years of patriarchal tyranny.

(Chanting continues)

Who are they going to sacrifice?

(Drunkenly) Hello, you duds!

Winter solstice blue moonth party!

� Maya, lzanami, Shakti

� lshtar, Ceridwen, Hecate, lnanna

� lsis, Artemis, Sophia, Athena, Coatilicue... �

Ooh!

Baby...

� Gaia, Saraswati

� Kali, Paso Wee, Demeter, Bhavati

� Hera, Akewa, Diana, Nidaba

� Chicomecoatl, waterlily... �

Are you not coming?

(Echoes) lt is very empowering.

� lshtar, Ceridwen, Hecate, lnanna

� lsis, Artemis, Sophia, Athena... �

l'll see you outside, then?

� Aphrodite, Mielikki, Astarte

� Gaia, Saraswati, Kali... �

(Male voices hum) (Chanting continues)

You're joking.

You're not joking.

Don't you want to run with the wolves too?

l might just take a raincheck on that one,

if that's OK with you.

Just in case the Christian Brothers were right.

(Chanting continues)

(Goatee whoops hysterically)

� Hera, Akewa, Diana, Nidaba... �

You better hurry up. You'll miss the sacrifice.

Hey...

What?

� lshtar, Ceridwen, Hecate, lnanna... �

Get out of here.

� lsis, Artemis, Sophia, Athena

� Coatilicue, Aphrodite, Mielikki, Astarte

� Gaia, Saraswati, Kali... � Fuck.

� Kali, Paso Wee, Demeter, Bhavati

� Hera, Akewa, Diana, Nidaba

� Chicomecoatl, waterlily

� Shekhina, Morgana

� Maya, lzanami, Shakti. �

l call on the guardians of the four watchtowers.

ALL: We call on the guardians of the four watchtowers.

(All chant) � lshtar... � GOATEE: Hey!

Guys?

Guys, l thought this was supposed to be

a pretend sacrifice.

Hey, guys!

(All chant softly) � lsis...

GOATEE: Hey, guys!

lt's getting warmer!

( TENSE MUSlC ) Are you sure this is safe?

Guys? l don't like it.

lf this was real,

you'd both be dog meat by now.

( 'STAR WARS' THEME )

MAN: Guardians of the four watchtowers?

FLlP: Straight through. Out the back. First on the right.

Cool.

Go for it.

( MUSlC SWELLS )

Taylor, do you know these people?

Let's just say l have connections.

l had to call in the cavalry to neutralise the rent situation.

With extreme prejudice, cover me.

( CAR APPROACHES )

(Moans)

Oh, man!

(Woman moans repeatedly)

Ooh! (Man grunts)

(Sings) � The sun on the meadow... �

GOATEE: ..not a shish kebab!

Taylor, these reinforcements of yours...

..they wouldn't be, by any chance, Nazis, would they?

You're a bunch of pagan freaks! Well...

l prefer to think of them as politically challenged.

Jesus fucking Christ!

Crazy, man!

Jesus! (Flip screams)

l knew it.

There's some seriously bad medicine going down out there.

Just as l thought.

He's crossed to the Dark Side.

Probably for the better.

He's with his own kind now.

Shouldn't we mark him as of the beast?

lt's just shock, that's all.

Saw a cashmere sweater back... Shut up!

Ow! (Laughs)

Cashmere sweater babe came back with flat-headed rugby type.

(Man and woman moan)

They've been going at it like lamb chops on the lawn.

TAYLOR: What, now?. Mmm.

WOMAN: Ooh! MAN: Gentle, gentle, gentle.

(Both moan)

Ooh, ouch!

Nasty! (Tuts)

That's got to hurt. (Woman exclaims)

lt's a bad game, dude.

(Both moan and yell) Brings out the worst in people.

(Passionate yelling escalates)

JABBER: No! No!

l'll do anything! l'll come to your meetings!

l'll denounce the others! Please!

Leave it here, please.

This cannot be happening.

Now, that is just fucking going too far!

( CHAlNSAW BUZZES )

(All sing) � Oh, Father Oh, Father

� Oh, show us a sign

� Your children have waited

� To see... � ( WOOD CLATTERS )

� The morning will come

� When the world is mine

� Tomorrow belongs

� Tomorrow belongs

� Tomorrow belongs to me... �

( CHAlNSAW BUZZES )

� Tomorrow belongs

� Tomorrow belongs

� Tomorrow belongs to me

� Oh, Father

� Oh, Father Oh, show us the sign

� Your children have waited

� To see

� The morning will come

� When the world is mine

� Tomorrow belongs

� Tomorrow belongs

� Tomorrow belongs to me... �

Time to pay the rent... arsewipes.

( CHAlNSAW BUZZES ) � Tomorrow belongs

� To me. �

(Crowd cheers and applauds)

(Woman sings) � Should auld acquaintance

� Be forgot

� And never brought to mind

(All sing )� Should auld... � Fucking wankers.

� Be forgot and... �

Look after her for me, will you, little buddy?

� Auld lang syne

� For auld lang... � l love you, man.

l love you too, Flip.

� For auld lang syne

� We'll take a cup... �

( MOTORBlKE APPROACHES )

(Screams)

� Should auld acquaintance be forgot and... �

Whoa! Freak show, dude.

� Should auld acquaintance be forgot

� And days of auld lang syne

� For auld lang syne, my dear

� For auld lang syne... �

( CHAlNSAW BUZZES ) � We'll take a cup

� Of kindness then

� For auld lang... � l go now, yes?

l think so, Tiger Girl.

l really do think so.

Hai, douma arrigatou.

� Be forgot and never brought to mind... �

( CRASH! )

( CRASH! )

� And days of auld lang syne

� For auld lang syne, my dear

� For auld lang syne... �

lt's us.

Yeah, well, l don't think you're going to like this...

..very much.

(All cheer and applaud)

MAN: lf this were an environmentally sound society, Daniel,

your two-litre plastic orange juice bottle

would be just the right height

to fit your dry fettuccine into, wouldn't it?

( GUlTAR SOFTLY PLAYS )

(Sings) � All the leaves are... All the leaves are brown

� And the sky is grey... � But it's not, though, is it?

lt's an economically corrupt, non-renewable,

rip the guts out of the ecosystem,

toxic materialist society, isn't it?

� l've been for a walk

� On a winter's day... �

So they make your two-litre juice bottle

exactly 2.5cm too fucking short

to fit your dry fettuccine into, don't they?

� l'd be safe and warm lf l was in L... �

On fucking purpose!

You do know those things leak radiation

like a sieve, don't you?

Beginning to worry about you, Daniel.

Starting to notice a severely self-destructive streak

in you lately.

( STEADY ROCK MUSlC )

SONG: � l am the passenger

� And l ride and l ride

� l ride through the city's backside

� l see the stars coming out today

� Yeah, they're bright in a hollow sky

� You know it looks so good today... �

( DOORBELL RlNGS )

Fuck!

Flip! What are you doing here?

He met the winner of the Tathra wet...

Met the winner of the Tathra wet T-shirt competition.

Whoo!

Started pissing down as soon as we crossed the fucking border.

Poor little bastard here nearly froze to death.

You should really call your mother, Daniel.

She hasn't heard from you in weeks.

Been doing the figures, Danny boy.

l've done all the dates, bought all the flowers,

had all the candlelit dinners...

Been to gallery openings, sat through the plays.

Expressed my feelings.

Came up with some new ones l never even knew l had.

Said all the right things, told all the right lies,

but still...still not one drop of affection down south.

You do realise Lenin wasn't actually his real name?

lt's a completely made-up name.

Like...Bono or Prince.

You see this wallet?

Apparently...rocked up one morning

and said, ''Call me Lenin.''

$4,873 have passed through this wallet in the past 1 2 months.

All of it...

..in the sole pursuit of women.

Pity he didn't hang around.

He could have called himself

'The political leader formerly known as Lenin'.

So, you know what l did?

l got up, caught a cab to the red-light district,

walked into a brothel...

..pulled out a $1 00 bill

and a very nice girl took me into her room

and had sex with me just like that!

l'm a convert, Danny boy.

A true believer.

Just goes to show you what a postmodern guy he was.

( THUNDER CRASHES, DOORBELL RlNGS )

Fuck!

Sammy!

Your mum says you really should...

..try and ring her a bit more.

She's terrified of commitment, Danny.

Commitment involves feelings, feelings involve emotions

and emotions are a fascist construct

forced upon us over thousands of years

by the patriarchal hierarchy.

l'm beginning to hate that patriarchal hierarchy.

l wasn't allowed to moan

because it sounded like a cliche.

l wasn't allowed to gasp

because it sounded like a cliche.

l wasn't allowed to say ''l love you''

because it sounded like a cliche.

How do you climax without it sounding like a cliche?

Do you reckon l should look

at 'P' for prostitute or 'E' for escort?

( THUNDER RUMBLES )

( HAUNTlNG MUSlC )

Make love to me.

Excuse me?

You know, berserk?

Gaga, talking in tongues?

SONG: � ls there a time for keeping your distance... �

Don't you find me attractive?

Of course l find you attractive.

Well, then...

Well, we're mates.

You can't sleep with your mates.

lt's one of the unwritten rules of the moral code of mateship.

l didn't know there were any unwritten rules

of the moral code of mateship.

Oh, yeah, they're... they're the biggies.

No sleeping with a mate.

No sleeping with a mate's girlfriend.

No urinating on a mate's car.

lt's column-of-salt sort of stuff.

Sodom and Gomorrah and all that.

Old Testament? Yeah, you know.

Plagues, pestilence, frogs falling from the sky,

that sort of thing.

Doesn't sound too good, does it?

� ls there a time to run for cover... �

l just need to feel loved.

l just need to feel.

( DARK MUSlC )

SONG: � l hear stories from the chamber

� How Christ was born into a manger

� And like some ragged stranger died upon the cross

� And might l say it seems so fitting in its way

� He was a carpenter by trade

� Or at least that's what l'm told... �

Sammy?

( WATER RUNS ) Sammy?

Sammy.

Oh, fuck!

� And in a way l'm hoping to be done

� With all this weighing up of truth

� Eye for an eye Tooth for a tooth

� And l've got nothing left to lose

� And l'm not afraid to die

� The mercy seat is waiting... �

Oh, shit!

� ln a way l'm yearning to be done

� With all this measuring of proof

� Eye for an eye Tooth for a tooth... �

Why is 3:00 in the morning always the hour of choice

to put on Nick Cave, get depressed and kill yourself?.

What's wrong with the middle of the day

when everyone's awake and ready to call an ambulance?

What's happening to me?

l can't even kill myself properly.

l can't do anything properly.

( SOFT PlANO MUSlC )

l'm sure if you concentrated,

you'd be able to kill yourself better than anyone else l know.

Really?

You do everything better than anyone else l know.

You think?

SONG: � And the mercy seat is waiting

� And l think my head is burning

� And in a way l'm yearning to be done... �

l must look horrible.

You look wonderful.

� Eye for an eye Tooth for a tooth... �

Did you have fish sticks for dinner?

Possibly.

You just...

..you sort of taste... all fishy.

Should l brush?

� l hear stories from the chamber

� How Christ was born into a manger

� And like some ragged stranger... �

( THUMP! )

Your room's very orderly, Danny.

One of the best we've seen.

How do you know my name?

l'll tell you how this game works, Daniel.

We're the cops.

We get to ask the questions.

You're the suspect.

You get to complain about your civil liberties,

perhaps get shot, maybe even killed.

And it has to stay like that, Daniel.

Otherwise, everything falls out of balance.

And when things fall out of balance,

you know what happens then, don't you, Daniel?

Your spiritual values start to decline.

You get your disintegration

of your social structure, don't you?

The system collapses.

Pestilence, flood, famine...

lt happened to the Romans.

lt happened to the Greeks.

lt happened to the ancient Mesopotamians.

And we don't want it happening to us, now, do we, Daniel?

What's this, then, Daniel?

Toilet paper?

l'm a writer.

Pages impose an artificial structure

on my stream of consciousness.

Well, l guess that would mean you'd write shit, then.

Wouldn't it, Daniel?

What's going on?

We're the police, sweetheart.

Your civil liberties are about to be violated.

Oh, great.

lf prostitution is the rental of the body...

..marriage is the sale.

You're a sick fuck, aren't you, Daniel?

What is wrong with you?

Haven't you got anything better to do,

like chasing rapists or murderers or something?

You know something about rapes and murders,

do you, sweetheart?

Fuck you. Sammy.

We refuse to answer any questions

without the presence of a solicitor.

You know what we usually do to places like this, Daniel?

We usually torch them.

So that would make you the arson squad, then?

(Laughs) You're a tough nut to crack, aren't you, hard case?

You animals got any guns on the premises?

Sure, we've got a cache

of paramilitary weapons up in the attic.

l'll just nip up and get them, shall...?

No, l reckon you're on something.

What do you reckon, Stuart?

Put it away, Russ.

You lot on drugs? Only when we can get them.

lf you don't cooperate, hard case,

you never know what might happen.

Nice tatts, man.

You look like a fucking pincushion down there, mate.

Flip, what's going on?

lt's cool, dude. Nanna's booked me into rehab.

(Sighs)

lt's a good one. They get you to make your own bed and stuff.

Let's stop the clowning around, hard case.

Your friend here led us a merry chase last night

through numerous brothels, two nightclubs,

a girlie bar and the casino.

Picked him up at the blackjack table,

trying to order half a dozen Asian girls

and a gram of speed from the croupier.

We cancelled the girls.

Not before he whacked up over eight-grand's worth of whoopee

on this, though, Danny boy.

That's my card.

lt would seem so, Danny boy.

Seems like you owe $7,257 in rent and damages

to some of our friends in Brissy, Daniel.

Add that to the eight large...

..notched up by your associate here.

Which means you're going to need

the mother of all student loans to pay that lot back,

aren't you, Daniel?

We refuse to say one more word

until we have spoken to a lawyer.

l've had just about enough of you l can take, arsewipe!

Some of our friends own that casino, Daniel.

And they don't like being out-of-pocket.

Makes them angry. Makes us angry.

(Nervously) l need to pee.

Can you hear something, Stuart?

Put it away, Russ.

You know, like a mosquito buzzing,

or something like that.

Russ! Put...it...away!

He needs to fucking pee, you fascist pig dog!

( BANG!, THUD! )

Shit.

Big mistake, hard case.

Big fucking mistake.

Fight the power, Daniel!

Fight the power, lain.

STUART: Pity it had to come to this, Daniel.

And who was to know it was only a water pistol?

Excuse me?

The gun. What gun?

Your friend pulled a gun. We fired in self-defence.

Who was to know it was only a toy?

Are you insane? There was no gun.

You look after yourself out there, Daniel.

Anything could happen, you know.

And let's face it, mate, it probably will, won't it?

( SlREN WAlLS )

l'm not your mate.

Maybe...

Maybe it was like, you know, a Buddhist thing.

He denies your existence, don't call us, we'll call you,

that sort of thing.

lt's the police, Sammy.

They're hardly likely to be Buddhists.

They shoot first, ask questions later down here.

l'm a dead man.

Maybe you're just losing weight.

lnwards, your heart is full.

Outwards, your heart is empty.

l wasn't exactly expecting a shower of confetti.

Maybe you should...move on.

lt might not be too sensible

to wait around for anything to happen.

What about you?

l think l'll...think l'll stick around here for a while.

Sort of like it.

(Taylor retches)

(Yells)

Best fucking night l've had in ages.

Just what is your fucking problem, Nina?

Nothing, Dirk. What is your fucking problem?

l don't have a problem, Nina. l'm just making toast.

Well, l'm just unpacking the shopping, Dirk.

(Sings) � All the leaves are... All the leaves are brown

� And the sky is grey... �

You're fucking insane. You're a fascist bitch.

You're the fascist, Dirk!

l am not a fascist, Nina.

� l went for a walk

� On a winter's day

� lf l didn't tell her

� l could leave today... �

That's the biscuit shelf, Nina.

This...is where the pineapple chunks go.

That's the biscuit shelf, Dirk!

Scotch fingers, Tim Tams, Tiny Teddies...

This is the pineapple shelf.

lt always has been, and always will be the pineapple shelf.

You're a crazy, lying, anorexic...

..praying fucking mantis evil witch!

Danny, l demand we have a house meeting.

� California dreaming

� On a winter's day... �

( BUZZER SOUNDS )

Sammy!

What are you doing here?

Heard you had a spare room.

You really should ring your mum, you know.

l think she misses you.

Tuesdays and Thursdays, Danny puts out the rubbish.

Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays,

Dirk cleans the bathroom and the kitchen.

Saturdays and Wednesdays, new person...

..that's you...

vacuums the house, including all the bedrooms.

Taylor cooks when he's not on night shift,

Uptight does it when he is.

And everyone's banned from writing each other

into their novels, plays, film scripts, websites

and all future technologies.

What about you? What do you do?

l don't have to put up with this.

l have an audition in the morning.

Don't know what you see in her.

She's not very attractive.

Welcome to hell.

SAM: At least it's warm.

( BUZZER SOUNDS )

Mr Corcoran?

Excuse me?

l'm with the William Macey's hire-purchase division.

Just wondering if a Robert Corcoran lived here.

Come on in.

You're number five for the week.

Forming a club here for people chasing Mr Corcoran.

And you are?

Bragg. Billy Bragg.

Pleasure to meet you, Mr Repo Man.

Drawer of the living dead. All for Mr Corcoran.

Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out.

Fake lD, phone account, broker a line of credit,

stakes back to us, bingo.

There is no Mr Corcoran.

Probably never was.

lf work calls, l've had a car accident.

lf uni calls, l'm in Melbourne on a research trip.

lf Mum calls, l'm gay

and fucking my sister over at her place.

And if Joey calls,

l'm still using the computer so he can go and get fucked!

You know, if you all watched more daytime soaps,

you'd understand much better what l go through

every day of my life.

The ups and downs, the highs and lows...

How about a nice cup of tea? ( DOOR SLAMS )

( BUZZER SOUNDS )

(Sighs)

Fuck!

Your mother seems very nice.

You really should speak to her a bit more often.

Mr Corcoran, l presume?

Do..stoevski.

ltalian name, is it?

That old Corcoran sure does love to shop,

doesn't he, Feodor?

And he ain't finished with us yet.

Not by a long shot.

He's got your Amex, your Visa, your MasterCard, Diners Club...

..hell, even your Grace Bros card's

up there in the top five.

You're too sensitive.

You feel too much.

Why do you always have to feel so much?

Why do you always have to wear black?

l am in mourning for my life.

This is Sydney, you know. They do things differently here.

Nobody cares about my problems, do they?

Nobody cares about how l was raped by my uncle at 1 4,

or how my psycho ex-boyfriend

slept with my arch-nemesis from drama school!

Do you always have to flirt?

You flirt with anything. You'd flirt with a rock if you could.

l find it natural.

Well, try to suppress it.

l think you're being weird.

Not as weird as you.

When it comes to weird, l think you take the cake.

l am not weird.

Nice tea, Feodor. lt's lndian, l think.

Biscuit? Mmm.

l don't want to talk anymore.

l've had a cunt of a day.

lt's not cheap, you know. Bulimia's not cheap, you know?.

A real cunt of a day.

'Crime and Punishment' and...what was the other one?

'The ldiot'.

l'll keep an eye out for them, Feodor.

But l'll tell you,

you'll never be a successful writer with titles like that.

This is Sydney. You've got to be more upbeat, you know?.

l want those creatures out of my house!

( FUNKY MUSlC )

(Women passionately moan)

( FOOTSTEPS APPROACH )

( KNOCK AT DOOR )

What?

May l?

We are not too loud for you, are we?

You know, we were just having fun.

How's the patriarchal hierarchy?

How is...how you say?

Your stream of unconsciousness?

(Sighs)

You sure we're not too loud for you?

Not a problem. Knock yourself out.

l had better go.

(Women squeal and laugh)

Fuck.

( GLASS SMASHES ) Look what you've done!

Jesus Christ!

( KNOCK AT DOOR )

l'm sorry. We broke the lamp.

Look...

l don't care if you break your skull

and your fucking little brains

come seeping out onto the carpet.

l just want to be left alone.

l want to be...

..going berserk.

l want to be talking in tongues.

l want to be...gaga.

l'm sorry. What for?

lt didn't mean anything. Spare me the cliches, Danny.

l'm a parody of myself, remember?

No-one can hurt me. l have no feelings, remember?

Feelings are a fascist construct.

No!

l don't see why l should suffer just because

you two were beaten as children and forced to eat dog food!

She's a chaos freak, Danny.

lt's like the antimatter equivalent of a control freak.

She needs to inject chaos into any given situation...

..doesn't care about the outcome.

Just the trouble she causes for everyone.

l am Bajorian, she's Cardassian.

She bites. l bite too.

What?

lt is from 'Star Trek'.

Cardassian...and Bajorian.

They are two life forms that try to be kind to each other,

but they can't help their nature.

Like the frog and the scorpion.

You know this tale? lt is Greek.

Look at yourself. You're not even upset.

You don't even know how to get upset.

l just...don't want to be in love with anyone right now.

lf you want to, just sleep with her.

l really don't give a shit anymore.

l don't want to sleep with her.

Yeah, right!

Don't...

..touch me.

Just don't.

Where are you going?

You know, Danny...

..whatever happened to your moral code of mateship?

Oh, l reckon those rules were written

more with football buddies in mind.

One day, Danny,

you're going to wake up old and grey...

..in a house full of dumb kids...

..living off fish fingers,

bucket bongs and social security.

You'll wake up, and it's going to hit you like a fist...

..right in the middle of your stupid-looking face.

You're going to wonder whatever happened to your life.

( TECHNO MUSlC )

Well, l hope you're all

extremely satisfied with yourselves.

My boyfriend now thinks l'm gay.

My mother thinks l've been in a car accident.

My boss thinks l'm in Melbourne.

And someone told my uni tutor to go and get fucked.

TV: What are you feeling right now?.

Desire.

Yes.

She said we never talked anymore.

She said l never reveal of myself.

They are all very fit, aren't they?

They are all very, very fit.

Look at this crap!

Look at all the fat, ugly whores that get on TV.

Why can't l get on fucking TV?

How can l reveal of myself?.

What is there to reveal?

The little man behind the curtain

pulling all the strings?

Who wants to see that?

l've been to drama school. l am a bit of a babe, aren't l?

''That's who l am, Gail.

''That's what l am, right or wrong.

''l can't change that.''

Al Pacino.

l love that man.

My pathetic life consists of sitting around,

waiting for imaginary acting jobs to materialise,

eating myself stupid and throwing up

in the middle of the night.

Well, l'm sick of it, l tell you!

l'm sick of it!

l have something to declare.

l'm gay.

Do we have any lollies?

l said l was gay.

l'm...gay.

That's nice, Dirk.

lt is obvious, really.

Always thought you were.

l'd just like to say that l've got a problem

with you all accepting my homosexuality without question.

No wonder my suppressed heterosexual side

is in a spin all the time!

You all thought l was gay, even when l was fucking straight!

Dirk, we think it's great, mate.

What's so fucking great about being a poofter, Danny?

Nothing, Dirk, just...

..finish the bathroom.

That's just fucking typical, Daniel!

l'd like to declare l've got a problem with that too.

You want me to put on a fucking pink apron, Danny?

You want me to put on the fucking washing-up gloves

and lick the boots

of the hetero-fascist sterility conspiracy thing?

No fucking way, pal!

l'm not some mincing fucking queen,

lick the boots of you hetero fucks!

''Oh, give the fag some hetero foot massage routine

''when he comes in.''

Bullshit!

Gay men are dying, Danny.

And you want me to clean the bath.

Dirk, just forget it, mate.

You don't mean that, do you, Danny?

What you really mean is,

''All you filthy little arse bandits

''should be nailed to a tree.''

lsn't that so, Danny?

(Sighs)

Dirk,

this newly installed sophisticated gay radar of yours

is picking up shit from the cosmos

that just ain't fucking there.

l've got my own shit to worry about.

l've lived in 49 shared households

in what seems as many years.

l've been ripped off, raided,

threatened, burnt out, shot at,

cheated on, scabbed in every one of those years.

My beds are foam slabs on the floor.

My cupboards are stacks of stolen milk crates.

l've lived with tent-dwelling bank clerks,

albino moontanners, nitro suckers,

psycho fucking drama queens, acid eaters,

mushroom farmers, fucking brothel crawlers,

fridge pissers, hard-core separatist lesbians,

and obscurely tiger-throated Japanese girls!

And now the best friend l've ever had in the fucking world

won't even fucking talk to me!

l'm in a psycho fucking nightmare from hell,

and l'm fucking fed up with it!

(Quietly) So, l suggest, pal...

..that you tune in...

..and chill fucking out.

Nobody asks me about my problems, do they?

Nobody asks me about my loopy parents

and their endless fucking divorce case.

l've got to give evidence, you know.

They've both subpoenaed me, you know.

l didn't know.

You didn't ask...

..did you?

They're very, very fit.

You have to admit they're very, very fit.

Dirk's gay.

l always thought he was.

l baked some scones, if you want.

lt's a new recipe.

( FOOTSTEPS APPROACH )

TAYLOR: You...you OK in there, little buddy?

( POlGNANT MUSlC ) (Sighs)

SONG: � Who's going to tell you when

� lt's too late... �

Thought you might need some supplies

in there, little buddy.

Had to make everything flat for you.

SONG: � Can't go on

� Thinking nothing's wrong

� Who's going to drive you home

� Tonight? �

NlNA: Fuck! Fucking little jerk.

� Who's going to pick you up

� When you fall? �

ANYA: Cigarette?

� Who's going to hang it up

� When you call? �

There is a man in a spaceship...

..floating above a planet...

..which is like a brain.

lt can read from his mind.

The planet recreated his dead wife...

..from his memory.

But...she wasn't exactly the same.

She was like a photocopy.

So, he hates her.

He locks her in a room to be rid of her.

But she tears through the door like if it was paper...

..just to be with him.

She loves him...

..but he hates her.

So...

..she tries to kill herself, but she can't die.

So, she comes back to life like the resurrection.

lt's only when he sees the pain she's going through...

..that he's able to love her...

..for what she is.

You understand?

� Who's going to drive you home

� Tonight?

� You know you can't go on

� Thinking nothing's wrong

� Who's going to drive you home

� Tonight? � ( LOUD BANGlNG )

(Clears throat)

DANNY!

''There once was a man who used to masturbate so much

''that he grew very fond of his hand.''

(Laughs) Hey... you're a writer, dude!

l'm a writer? You're a writer.

Can't get much better than 'Penthouse', dude.

( BUZZER SOUNDS )

Sammy?

Flip, what are you doing here?

l couldn't handle it anymore, man.

lt was like the fucking army in there.

When they said l'd have to make my own bed,

l didn't know they meant... MAKE my own bed, you know?.

Like, out of twigs and shit.

Shit. Mr Dostoevski, l presume?

l've just been reading one of your novels, Feodor.

What did you think?

Bit depressing, actually.

l was going through a dark period.

Had to brush up on all my pop culture references, Feodor.

Or is it Bragg?

Or maybe it just all adds up to one Robert J. Corcoran.

Tea?

Letters for the oppressed minority.

That's not funny, Taylor. Gay men aren't dying, you know.

What exactly does it mean, ''gay men''?

$7,257 on rent and damages to a house in Brisbane,

$8,329 owing to a Melbourne casino,

and $9,392 in credit card fraud.

Leaves a grand total of $24,979.

They are, like, very fit, aren't they?

They are all very, very fit.

lt's a summons, Corcoran.

You're due to appear at Darlinghurst District Court

tomorrow at 1 0am.

Fucking little faggot!

Don't be late, Corcoran.

You can't afford any more fines, can you?

SONG: � Shout, ''Man overboard''... �

They're going to send me away, Flip.

No, it's not going to happen, man.

You're the only one.

Only one what?

The only one not into it.

lnto what?

Well, they said at the farm

that l had to find someone who's not into it

to hang out with.

When l checked it out, man, everyone's into it.

Seems like it's an absolute must-have

to have on the CV, you know?.

And you're the only one.

Only one not into it.

They're not going to send you away.

Been going through a lot of emotions and stuff.

You know, like... crying and stuff?.

Been thinking a lot about things.

Like l was sitting in the common room the other day

watching a video and stuff, and this...

..video came on with a band and an orchestra and shit.

And the tears just started pouring out of me, mate.

l mean...

..the way those cloths floated downwards and stuff.

Even though we didn't hang out together much,

l really appreciated you being there.

lt was really great.

You're not upset with me, are you, mate?

l just didn't realise how heavily into it l was.

Want to know what the worst thing is?

l can't get an erection.

Can't get an erection, mate.

lt's the...medication, you know?.

l love you, mate.

l love you too, Flip.

l'm going to get something to eat. You want?

Oh, jeez, l got the horn!

( 'GOLDEN BROWN' PLAYS )

SONG: � Golden brown, texture like sun

� Lays me down, with my mind she runs

� Throughout the night

� No need to fight

� Never a frown with golden brown

� Every time just like the last

� On her ship tied to the mast

� To distant lands

� Takes both my hands

� Never a frown with golden brown... �

Flip, turn the fucking TV off! People are trying to sleep.

Flip, have some fucking consideration!

( MUSlC STOPS ) For Christ's sake, Flip!

Flipster?

Shitload of paperwork here, mate.

Shitload.

Must have happened right in the middle of the Top 1 00.

Just like a junkie, eh?

He'll never know what hit number one now, will he, eh?

(Snorts)

Typical bloody junkie.

Did you know he was a junkie?

Don't touch anything until the lab boys arrive.

Never know with these junkies.

Mmm, you never know.

And don't eat the felafel.

( 'GOLDEN BROWN' FADES lN )

SONG: � Na na na na

� Na na na na

� Never a... Never a frown... �

( MUSlC FADES OUT )

What's that mean?

Flip.

Flip's dead.

( MELANCHOLY PlANO MUSlC )

TAYLOR: To Flip! ALL: To Flip!

SONG: � l don't believe in an interventionist God... �

See you around, dude.

� But l know, darling, that you do... �

Just some buds, bud.

� But if l did, l would kneel down and ask him... �

The essentials of life, little buddy.

� Not to intervene... �

Greater love hath no man, Flipmeister.

� Not to touch a hair on your head

� Leave you as you are

� lf he felt he had to direct you

� Then direct you into my arms... �

See you, Flip.

� lnto my arms, O Lord

� lnto my arms, O Lord... �

Goodbye, strange man.

� lnto my arms, O Lord

� lnto my arms

� And l don't believe in the existence of angels

� But looking at you, l wonder if that's true... �

l love you too, Flip.

� But if l did, l would summon them together

� And ask them to watch over you... �

This is for you.

She opened it by mistake.

� To make bright and clear your path

� And to walk like Christ in grace and love

� And guide you into my arms

� lnto my arms, O Lord... �

We're off to Paris.

Anya says they take actresses much more seriously over there.

� lnto my arms, O Lord... �

l think l should dye my hair black.

Wouldn't l look much more like a babe with black hair?

We should go to the Cannes Film Festival.

There's all sorts of producers and directors over there.

l'd love to network with those sort of people.

Can l borrow your phone?

Yeah. Can l speak to Sergeant O'Neil, please?

Tell her it's about Robert J. Corcoran.

(Danny plays acoustic guitar)

TAYLOR: lf l was gay,

l wouldn't be worrying about fucking all...

How could you, Taylor? (Dirk cries)

Everything will be alright.

Now there's no National voters or footballers here.

TAYLOR: Oh, just trying to do my straight man...

l've got something for you.

What?

Teletype paper.

( CAR ENGlNE STARTS )

What? (Laughs quietly)

What?

( POLlCE SlREN WAlLS )

Do you want to get married?

Can't. Got to go out later.

l don't know if it's all it's cracked up to be, anyhow.

There's just one more thing.

Mmm? Berserk.

Gaga. Talking in tongues.

Well, you know. l may have exaggerated that part a little.

( 'CALlFORNlA DREAMlNG' PLAYS )

TAYLOR: Fore! ( WHACK! )

SONG: � And the sky is grey

� And the sky is grey

� l've been for a walk

� l've been for a walk

� On a winter's day

� On a winter's day

� l'd be safe and warm � l'd be safe and warm

� lf l was in L.A.

� lf l was in L.A.

� California dreaming � California dreaming

� On such a winter's day

� Stopped into a church

� l passed along the way

� Well, l got down on my knees � Got down on my knees

� And l pretend to pray � l pretend to pray

� You know the preacher liked the cold

� Preacher liked the cold

� He knows l'm gonna stay

� Knows l'm gonna stay

� California dreaming � California dreaming

� On such a winter's day

( FLUTE lNSTRUMENTAL )

� All the leaves are brown � All the leaves are brown

� And the sky is grey

� And the sky is grey

� l've been for a walk � l've been for a walk

� On a winter's day

� On a winter's day

� lf l didn't tell her � lf l didn't tell her

� l could leave today

� l could leave today

� California dreaming � California dreaming

� On such a winter's day � California dreaming

� On such a winter's day � California dreaming

� On such a winter's day. �

TAYLOR: Fore!

(Frog croaks) Shit.