Original subtitles

[cheers] - okay, that is it.

Everybody out of my house. Ray!

If they miss that bus, you're driving them.

- Oh, I got the jacket! I got it!

Come on. Stop it, stop it.

- Hey, what are you doing, huh?

Come on now.

You know both arms don't go in one hole.

- Buongiorno!

- We're back from our honeymoon.

- He's got no shoe. Where's his shoe?

- What did you do? Here.

Take this one. - It doesn't match.

- I don't care. Don't put it on in here.

You take that shoe. You put it on at the bus stop. Go.

- Hey, kids. [horn honking]

- All right, the bus is here. You guys better run.

- Go. Run. - And, michael, don't forget

To give your note to mrs. Abby. No gym today.

- Wait, geoffrey's homework. His homework.

- Hold the bus. Hold the bus!

- I found the other shoe. I found the other shoe.

- I don't think we missed anything.

- The driver's such a jerk.

He sees me running at him,

Waving this, yelling,

He still takes off.

- I think he was scared.

- Hi, debra. - Hi. Hi.

Hi, robert. - Hiya, sis.

- Yeah, welcome back. What's up?

- How was Italy?

- Great! - It was so fantastic.

- Yeah, well, guess what.

Now that the honeymoon's over...

The honeymoon's over.

- It's not over in here,

And it's not over in here.

- That's because that is in there.

- So you two look great. Did you have fun?

- Oh, yeah.

Venice and florence...

- Like a painting.

Every night at sunset,

We'd get on the gondola with a bottle of wine

And just float down the grand canal.

- And the gondoliers would sing for us,

And we'd sip our wine under a blanket and cuddle.

- And it was so beautiful, we'd just start to cry.

- What did you guys do the last couple of weeks?

- I did a little crying myself.

- I did a little c- [chuckles].

I love seeing raymond like this.

- Like what? - Depressed.

- Look who's here!

- Hi, ma.

- Oh, honey!

Oh, I thought I saw you two come in here.

I've been looking out the window for the last two days.

- She scared the crap out of the mailman.

- You two look so wonderful.

- Thanks, ma. You look nice too.

- Hey, ma. - Come on, let's sit down.

I want to hear everything.

- Ma, I just said hi.

- Raymond, can't you see

We're having a conversation?

Robbie's home!

With his beautiful new bride!

- Hi, ma!

- Oh, we have presents!

- Presents too?

But just seeing you two is a present.

- Open the bag.

- Oh, you didn't have to.

- This is the most thoughtful gift

Anyone has ever given me.

- What is it? - It's a piece of shrapnel.

- It's from world war ii in anzio.

- It's wonderful.

I'll bet it's from the ass of some kraut.

- Oh, look! A pin!

- That's antique, 100 years old.

Antique.

- Frank, look.

What do you think?

100 years old!

- I think it's lovely,

Just lovely.

- Ohh...

- What the hell?

- Ah, this is so nice.

Oh, speaking of gifts, how did you like

What lee and stan got you for your wedding present?

- Oh, yes. What was it again?

Some sort of porcelain thing or a sculpture?

- Oh, no, no, no.

It was a large crystally covered candle

Which they had made with your wedding invitation

In a kind of window within the wax

So that, when the candle burns down,

The invitation is illuminated from behind.

You know, the orange one?

- Right, right, right. Yes.

It was...Beautiful.

- I thought it was so clever.

They just wanted to make sure you got it.

- Oh, yeah, we got it.

- 'cause they had it specially made.

- We got it, ma. Very nice.

- So I'll tell them that you got it.

They didn't know...

Because they didn't get a thank-you note.

- Oh. Well...

- Well, mom, they're gonna get a thank-you note.

It's just, you know...

- Of course. You're gonna send one, right?

I mean, you're gonna be sending out thank-you notes,

Aren't you, amy?

- Yeah, sure, marie. I'll get to it.

- Okay, good.

When you say "get to it"...

When do you think you'd be doing them?

Because people have been commenting.

- What do you mean? Who's commenting?

- People.

So, amy, when can I tell the people

To expect their thank-you notes?

- Well...Can I be honest with you, marie?

- Uh-oh.

- Of course. You can say anything to me.

We're family.

- Uh-oh.

- Well, you know, we just got back

From our honeymoon, and--

- Oh. - What?

- Nothing.

I just thought you were gonna be honest with me.

I mean, to tell the truth, you two have been home

For a day and a half now, haven't you?

- Well, we just wanted to unwind for a little bit.

- But you knew I was waiting.

No call or anything.

I was so worried, I called the airlines.

I thought, "what if there was a plane crash?"

But when they said of course there was none,

I have to tell you, I was a little upset.

And now to make such a fuss

When I'm just asking about thank-you notes...

You know, I would like to think that we're at least grateful

For the good fortune and generosity

Bestowed upon us by people who love us.

- "thank you for my shrapnel."

- Marie, I can't believe this means so much to you.

But, if it does,

I'll write the notes as soon as I can.

- And when will that be, dear?

So I can tell everyone.

- I don't know, marie.

Can't you just tell them

They'll get them when they get them?

- I see.

I have to say, amy,

That I'm a little surprised and disappointed.

- And I have to say, marie,

I really don't care about this right now.

- Hey!

- We're leaving, frank.

- Oh, come on, mom.

You know, you're being a little crazy about--

- What did you say to me?

- [whispers] nothing.

- Robbie's home!

[laughing]

- That could've gone better.

- Nice going, amy.

- What happened?

I don't understand.

- Oh, honey.

You married into the manson family.

And charlie goes off sometimes.

- I didn't mean to argue.

It's thank-you notes. It's so stupid.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look at me.

You were great.

Do you hear me?

You can't let her get away with anything.

- But she's so upset.

I don't want a bad relationship with her.

I should go apologize.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Hey, listen, that is exactly what she is waiting for,

For you to go over there

And say you'll write those thank-you notes.

You have got to be strong.

She is testing you.

Trust me, what she just pulled here,

That's her big weapon, the guilt bomb.

And it doesn't help that all the men in her family

Are scared to death of her.

Whenever she comes up against somebody with a backbone

Who might actually confront her,

She's completely threatened and she gets her claws out.

And so she has been allowed to rule this way,

Unopposed, for decades.

Listen, amy...

I have been waiting for you.

This is a critical time.

Even though this is a tough regime to topple,

With you in the family, now we have a shot,

You and me together, to end all the suffering.

Do you hear me? We can do it!

[ray laughs]

- What is so funny?

- You're so nuts.

You still, after 15 years,

Haven't figured anything out about this woman?

Amy...

Here's how I see all this stuff.

Mom loves the family. She really does.

And she thinks it's her job to hold it all together.

Does she overreact occasionally?

Okay.

So she wants you to write a few thank-you notes.

She's an old lady. What else does she have?

Besides, before even giving up a drop of power,

She will truly kill us all.

- What do you think, robert?

- I agree with raymond. - Oh, come on!

- No, no.

I totally agree, and I even add

That because ma favors raymond so much more than me,

You will have to be doubly nice.

- You're both idiots.

- You know, it's real easy to make trouble, missy, okay?

But when ma's upset with you, we're the ones who suffer!

- Please don't make her mad.

- All right, stop.

Why does this family have to be this way,

With marie wielding so much power

And everyone living in fear

Instead of just enjoying each other?

- You are right, amy.

That has been my philosophy from day one.

Harmony, love, understanding--

That is what holds a family together.

Marie is going down.

- No, no, no, no. Please stop this.

- This is what we do. - I can't take this.

I can't--raymond! - No more crap.

We stand up; we confront.

- I'm not afraid to confront.

- My life was supposed to get better.

- That's good.

Now, with these thank-you notes, here's what we do.

You wait a month, two months.

- Really? You think?

- Any sooner, and marie wins.

You set the timetable. That is key.

And another thing-- if she comes over to your house

And starts snooping around your refrigerator,

You pull her the hell out of there.

- Right, because it's my refrigerator.

- Yes! This is so great,

Because you can nip this in the bud,

And I am going to be right behind you.

- We can help each other.

- I'm having chest pains.

- You get my shrapnel?

- Shh!

Listen, dad, I don't know what to do.

I need your help.

The ladies, they're planning a takeover.

- Go on.

- Debra, she saw what happened

With amy and mom and the thank-you notes,

And she got amy to join forces with her,

And now debra's all foaming at the mouth.

- Wait a minute. This is bad news for me.

Anything that puts the missus in a worse mood than usual

Puts me in the dumper.

Who's gonna feed me if this happens?

Debra? That's no kind of life.

How's amy's cooking?

- I don't know. It's good, I guess.

- Still, it's a ten-minute drive.

You got to shut this down, ray.

How are they gonna pull it off?

- It's already started.

They're planning, like, a big throw-down,

Laying out the new order, and--and everybody's equal.

Love all around, peace and harmony.

- Those stupid broads.

You can't overthrow marie.

Besides, any time you cut the head off something,

The body still runs around by itself, all crazed-like.

- I know! I know. That's why I'm asking you.

I don't know what to do. What do you think we should do?

- I'm not sure yet. - Aah!

What the--

You heard everything?

- I heard enough.

- Did you know she was back there?

- Yes.

- Well, what did you let me go on for?

- I want my shrapnel back.

- All right. Listen, ma...

You got to understand...

- And if she offers to do your laundry?

- Just say no?

- Unless you want everyone to know

What size underwear you have at dinner parties.

- That's funny. Yeah.

Hey, uh, who wants to get something to eat?

You know, I mean, like, right this second.

- Hello.

- Let's go! Whatever you want.

I'm buying, I'm driving, and I'm leaving right now!

Vroom, vroom, vroom!

- Raymond, please stay.

After all, you brought something important to my attention.

- Where did you just come from?

- I went to the bathroom.

- No, you didn't.

- I'm doing it now.

- I was shocked to hear that you two

Were conspiring against me in some way.

- Group hug!

All right, it ain't happening; it's not happening.

- What have I done to bring on such disrespect?

I mean, you know, in the orient,

Elders are revered and honored,

Not plotted against.

And why do you have to talk about me behind my back?

I'm here, right here.

And, debra, we may have our differences,

But I consider you my daughter.

And, amy, all I want is for you to feel the same way.

I just don't understand why you couldn't be direct with me.

You may not like what I said before,

But at least I said it to you.

- You're right, marie. I'm sorry.

I don't want to start off like this.

I love you.

- I love you, honey.

- And you know what?

I'm gonna sit down and start on those thank-you notes today.

- What?

- Whenever you get to it, dear. No pressure.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

That's what this is all about!

- What's the matter, debra?

- Oh, don't give me that. I know you too well, marie.

You come over here all rational and normal

And telling the truth,

And this sap fell for it.

- Hey!

- You can't see that?

This is a strategy: Divide and conquer.

- I don't know what you're talking about, debra,

But could it be that you're a bit jealous

Because you have to share the spotlight with amy?

- Jealous? Jealous?

- What is this?

- Vanilla extract.

- She just did it again, amy!

I am putting an end to all of this, do you hear me?

I am not letting you take another one.

Amy, don't you see she will do anything to win?

She's the devil!

- I got to tell you, deb, it seemed to me

Like she was being very up front and honest.

- No! No, amy, don't go! Don't go!

- Debra, stop it!

I can't stand all this.

I'm not used to it. I'm not good at it.

I come from a family

That wouldn't yell if they were on fire.

You know, you're not gonna like hearing this, debra,

But I think ray was right before

When he said maybe we should just all try being nice.

- She's gone.

- Did you want to say something, debra?

- No, marie.

Nothing.

Just...

I'm sorry.

- Aw, now, doesn't that feel good to say that?

Oh, yes.

- Get out of here!

- And I agree with everything you've said, amy,

Everything.

- Thank you, marie.

- And about those thank-you notes,

I don't care if you ever get to them.

Except maybe one to lee and stan about the candle.

Could you just do that one?

See, lee can be so annoying about things like this.

- No problem, marie.

- Oh, you're an angel.

There's no one like you.

- Hello. - Oh, hi, lee. How are you?

- Hey, lee.

- Hi. I'm on my way to the supermarket,

But I just had to stop by and tell you

I got the nicest thank-you note from that sweet amy.

- Oh, isn't that nice? What did it say?

- Oh, it just went on and on

About how she and robert love the orange candle

And will treasure it always.

I have to tell you, marie,

When you picked out that candle for us to give to them,

I wasn't sure about it.

But I am so sorry I gave you an argument.

Obviously you have wonderful taste.

- Oh, thank you, lee.

- Thank you. I'll see you later.

- Okay, bye-bye.

[humming]