All language subtitles for Die Hart (2023) (NetNaija.com)

[bell ringing]

- [man] All right, who's ready
to have a good time, huh?

That's right.
So welcome here.

Uh, show of hands,
how many people have been

to a taping
of a TV show before?

Thank you.

Okay, just remember,
the movie's hilarious.

Everyone buy tickets.

- Let me ask you a question.
- Yeah?

- Do you think I'm good
in the movie?

- Come on, Kev,
I'm your agent.

Of course, I think you're good
in the movie.

You know who else thinks
you're good in the movie?

The studio.
Now, go knock 'em dead.

Big smiles, big laughs,
you're America's funny man.

- [man] The house band's gonna
play a little bit for ya,

and, uh, we're gonna have
a great time, all right?

America's funny man.

[cheers and applause]

- Oh, now, Kev,
people are just raving

about this new movie
of yours.

- Oh, my God,
they are raving.

- You are working with
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson,

playing
his comedy sidekick again.

What is this,
the sixth time now?

- Number six.
- How do you keep it so fresh?

- I mean, look,
Dwayne and I are, um,

you know, we're friends.

- Lucky.
- Hashtag, Jealous.

[laughing]

- He's lucky, too.
He's lucky, too.

But, I mean, look,
when you are friends,

you feed off of each other,

that energy, of course,
transfers.

But, uh, I don't know,
I would like to think

of my-my characters
as-as heroes as well.

[laughing]

- I don't know...
I don't know why the laugh.

I'm very serious.

You know, I've actually
I've been--

I've been trying to become
a leading man,

you know, do more
of an action star thing,

but I've been-I've been
somewhat typecast.

For some reason, people only
see me as the funny guy.

- You make me laugh.
- No.

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

Glad-glad, you know,
appreciate it.

- I'm not an easy audience.
[laughing]

- Yeah, you know,
but it's just it's--

I can do more
than show up

and do the funny
or do the dance. I'm--

- Would you, though?
- Would you do that dance?

- Come on.
- Come on!

Who wants to see
Kevin dance, huh?

- We'll get
the "Macarena" going.

No. No.

I'm not--
I'm not gonna dance.

- Next time.
Next time then, for sure.

Now, here's just a question.

Like, okay, when you--
when you see Idris Elba, right,

you see him and you go,
"Wow, that's an action star".

But if you took
six inches off of Idris,

nobody--
nobody's gonna give a shit.

- Okay-okay, just--
- Okay.

- Gentle reminder here,
it's a live broadcast.

- Got it.
But you get my point.

- Nobody's gonna care.
- Right.

- All right,
if he was smaller.

I mean, I don't think
I know any action stars

that are 5'7".
Can we name one?

- There's, um...
Oh, there's Mr. Tom Cruise.

Oh, wonderful.

- Who we love.
A favorite here on the show.

- Okay. Tom Cruise.
That's one. All right.

- Jackie Chan.
- Yeah!

- Isn't he great.
- Oh, he's a little guy.

- I feel like
you're being a dick.

- Is-Is this a bit?

Are you guys--
is this a bit?

- I-I think it may have been.
Getting back to the movie,

tell us-tell us
just how great this movie is.

- The, uh,
the movie's garbage.

- Sorry?
- Yeah, the movie's garbage.

Take the movie, ball it up,
throw it in the trash can.

How many times do you need
to see me in a car

with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson?

And I'm the comedy sidekick,
and he's saving lives,

and I got a catchphrase,
"Oh, hell no"?

- We love it
when you say that.

- Oh, good.
Can you do it again?

- Here's my question.
Why can't I be an action star?

- I read something online
about you being afraid

of woodland creatures.

- Oh, yes.
- About me what?

- Beaver?
It was it a squirrel?

- Squirrel.
- A squirrel.

- It was a squirrel.
- Yes.

That you have a fear
of squirrels.

Who's afraid of a squirrel?

- I'm not fuckin' afraid
of a squirrel.

- Okay.
- Ooh.

- I'm not afraid of shit!
- Okay, you've said it.

- You've made your point there.
- I'm not afraid of shit,

and I'm more than just a guy
that does comedy.

I'm a fuckin' action star,
all right?

So why don't you start
taking me a little serious?

Tell me what I am
and what I'm not.

If I didn't have
what the fuck it takes,

would I show this?
Or that?

- Back up.
- Yep.

Kev, Kev, Kev.

Kev, hey, you gotta go
back out there.

Say it was a joke.

- I'm not telling them
it was a joke.

You don't get it, man.

All right? I'm trying
to be taken seriously.

My whole life, I've dreamed
of becoming an action hero.

- Well, you know,
maybe instead of dreaming,

you should just
stay in your own lane.

- What the fuck
did you just say?

- What are you doin'?
- Ooh!

Pssshhh...

- That was a bit.
Doin' a bit.

♪♪♪

- [Kevin Hart] I'm not
afraid of [BLEEP]!

- [Mikey] Okay, you've said it.
You've made your point there.

- [Kevin] I'm not afraid of [BLEEP].
- [Mikey] Yup.

- [Kevin] And I'm more than just
a guy that does comedy.

I'm a [BLEEP] action star,
all right?

So why don't you start
[BLEEP] [BLEEP]?

- [Leah] That was our star,
Kevin Hart.

And apparently he's...
going through something.

- To say the least.
You don't see Tom Cruise--

[phone vibrating]

- I already know
what you're gonna say.

You're gonna say apologize,
then after that--

- No, no, no, Kev,
it's too late to apologize.

The studio already removed you
from the fuckin' billboard.

- So I'm done?
Just like that, I'm done?

Maybe not.

Claude Van De Velde
wants to meet with you.

Claude Van De Velde?

You talking about
the director?

Yes, Claude Van De Velde,

director of four of the six
biggest action movies

of all time,
saw the interview...

and wants to meet.

Why?

You know what?
It don't matter.

It doesn't even
fucking matter.

I'm there.
Okay? I'm there.

Oh, shit.

♪♪♪

- I have seen all your films.
I like all your films.

But you, Kevin,
you don't like your films.

- Wow, you can tell, huh?
- Of course I can tell.

You and I,
we are the same.

My movies have grossed
billions of dollars.

- Who cares?
- Yeah.

I mean, it's not about
the money, right?

- It is about finding yourself
inside an artistic expression.

Yes.

I want to find you, Kevin.

Will you let me find you?

- You found me.
I'm right here, man.

- My next project is
a serious gritty action film.

It requires
a serious, gritty actor.

You, Kevin.

I want you
in the leading role.

- Holy shit, man.
You gotta be--

- Excuse you. Watch it, man.
- My apologies, sir.

- Mark Wahlberg would not
scream at a party server.

- Oh, I didn't scream.
I didn't scream.

- An action star
is tough, confident,

unfazed by minor details

that disrupt
the average person.

- Yeah, I-I was unfazed.

I wasn't fazed
at all from that.

- If you really want
this part,

I need you to attend
a training program.

All the best action stars
have gone through it.

- Are you talkin'
like action star school?

- Stallone, Van Damme,
Steven Seagal,

Jackie Chan,
they're all alums.

- I just kind of assumed
all those guys

had to have the juice.
The mojo.

- Do you remember
what Matt Damon

was before
he was Jason Bourne?

- Yeah.
He just won an Oscar.

Neither do I.

This program turned a no-name
Matt Damon into a leading man

revered around the world.

- Look,
with all due respect,

I don't need that. I don't--
I don't need none of that.

I'm ready now.

I'm ready right now.

Down here, Kevin.

You don't think
you need training?

You want the part
right now?

Well, your new body is waiting
for you on that rooftop.

Go and get it.

♪♪♪

[exhales]

- Oh, shit!
Ahh!

[gasping]

Help! Help me!
Help me!

So good.

He's doing his famous
"help me" scene

- from "Ride Along 2".
- Help!

[applause]

- [Danny Morrison] Look, Kev,
I don't love the idea

of you driving out
to the middle of nowhere

- to go to some--
- [Kevin] Action star school.

- [Danny] Right, yes.
That.

Kev, maybe we just
wait a little longer.

Eventually,
the studios will forget

how badly you fucked up,

and they'll offer you
a new sidekick role.

- No, this is my time
to shine.

You believe in me,
don't you?

Don't you?
Danny?

[phone beeping]
You believe in-- Oh, shit.

Damn reception.

♪♪♪

Oh, hell no.

Ron Wilcox?

[squirrel chatters]
Oh, shit.

Don't be a bitch, Kevin.

Be Academy Award-winning
Matt Damon.

Get the fuck off my car.

Uh...

Hello?

Anybody here?

Claude Van De Velde,
he sent me.

- I don't know, you tell me
what you wanna tell me.

Why are you here?
Why are you here?

- Where's my nephew at?
- Uh, fellas?

- What do you mean
where's your nephew?

I don't know where the fuck
your nephew is.

- Hey, excuse me?
- Now you don't trust me?

- I know you murdered
my nephew, Rodrigo.

- Bullshit, motherfucker!
I didn't murder Rodrigo.

Look, you got your money.
I got my shipment.

I don't know
where Rodrigo is.

Maybe he's fucking
your mother.

- Oh, training
has already begun.

Okay. Uh...

- You. You. Oh, come on!
Bring it! Bring it!

Come on, bring that bat,
motherfucker!

Hey!

You wanna
push somebody around?

Try me out.

- Hey, and what are you,
a tough guy?

- Goddamn right,
I'm a tough guy.

North Philadelphia tough.

I'm Kevin motherfucking--

[ringing droning]

[inhaling deeply]
Ah!

What the hell happened?

- Welcome to Ron Wilcox
Action Star School.

I'm Ron Wilcox,

and that was
your first lesson.

- Gettin' hit in the head
with a bat?

- Oh, you are naive.
That was a prop bat.

- It that was made of plastic.
- Wasn't goddamn plastic.

I've been hit
with a bat before,

I know what a metal bat
fuckin' feel like.

All right.

Hey, Mr. Van De Velde
told me to tell him

if you complain about
anything being too difficult.

- No.
No, no, no, no, no.

- I'm not complaining.
- Mm-hmm.

- I'm not complaining
about nothing.

I loved that.

I thought it was great,
to be honest with you,

it gave me a rush.

- Good.
Let's take the tour.

- Yeah.
- Come on.

This place is to be
a slaughterhouse

up till the '70s.

And then,
as legend has it,

the animals revolted
against their tormentors

and they slaughtered
the humans.

Oh, my God.

- And my pal, Charles Norris,
you know him as Chuck,

well, he needed a place
to train.

I bought it.
I mentored him.

And that's why he's the badass
that he is today.

Hmm...

- Yeah, he nearly died
within these walls.

And that's how Ron Wilcox
Action Star School got born.

- Ron Wilcox A.S.S.,
for short.

- What the fuck
did you just say to me?

- Did Matt Da--
Matt Damon, go here?

- Oh, Matty boy!
Fuck yeah, Matt Damon!

Before he came to me,
he was a no name actor

from New England.
He was nothing.

He was a hundred pounds
soakin' wet.

- You sure we're talking about
the same Matt Damon?

- Hell yeah.
Matt Damon!

- [cell phone ringing]
- Huh. Okay. Yeah--

- Un-unh. Rule number one,
no phones 'til you graduate.

- Okay.
I run an empire,

so unfortunately,
I need my--

- Okay, fine,
you know what I'll do?

I'll just call
Mr. Van De Velde,

and I tell him,
"Oh, the phone policy

"wasn't working for him.
It wasn't to his liking."

I know what
you're gonna do with this.

You're going to make calls
to Hollywood.

You're gonna say,
"Hello, Hollywood.

"Ron's school
is too tough for me.

- "I need more drugs."
- No.

- Yeah, you're gonna say,
"Oh, I'm Kevin Hart.

"I need more caviar
and champagne."

- I just wanna talk
to my employees.

- That's fine,
but I'm still keeping it.

Okay.

Okay, until you graduate,

you are forbidden from
visiting the outside world.

- You'll stay here.
- Say what?

- You got your bed,
you got your toilet,

you got your sink.
All the modern amenities.

[water running sputtering,
pipes creaking]

Okay.

It's supposed
to toughen me up.

Okay, I get it.

Yeah, I'm good with that.

Yeah, might be a little
too good with it.

- And rule number two,
No fucking on the premises.

No anal, no blowjobs,
no nothin'.

Who else is here?

Just me.

Twenty minutes
'til lights out.

- So those--

those two Colombian guys
that hit me in the head

with the prop bat,
they were actors, right?

Yeah, exactly.

Okay, rule number three,

When you're under this roof,
your name is no longer Kevin,

it's Agent Hart,
and you'll refer to me

as Ron Wilcox, or Ron,
or Wilcox, or Coach Ron.

I like Coach Ron.

- And I refer to you as...
- Agent Hart.

- Right.
- Right.

- Yes.
- See, I'm on it.

Now I assume you got me in
this FBI jacket

and stuff for a reason.
So, what is it?

- Hey, would you do me
a favor?

Yeah.

- Kevin, would you
grab that chair for me?

- Yeah.
- Would you?

- You mean this one?
- No, goddammit!

I said respond
only to Agent Hart!

Fuck!

You just said that.
I fucked up. I'm sorry.

That's not gonna
happen again.

Why don't you just
call me Kevin?

- Okay, in your life,
have you ever heard

an action star leading man
ever called Kevin?

- I mean, Kevin James
in "Mall Cop".

- No, no. Kevin is the name
of a punk bitch.

Ethan Hunt,
that is an action star name.

Tom Cruise was my alumni.

For nine years of his life,

he only responded
to Ethan Hunt

whether he was
on-camera or off-camera.

Whether he was in the shower,
or on the toilet.

Whether he was fucking,
or not fucking.

- Okay, I--
- If he was even--

- I understand, Coach Ron!
- Do you? Do you really?

I hope so, for your sake.

Because your life
depends on it.

Okay, next lesson.

Every leading man
needs to know

how to run into
a burning building

- and save a stranger.
- Hmm.

Wow!

Holy shit.
How'd you do that, man?

- And the stranger that
we are going to save today

is our own action star dummy,
little Kevin.

- That's supposed to be me?
- I don't see the resemblance.

Are you fucking kidding?

- No, w-we've had this dummy
for years, buddy.

- [Kevin] Oh, hell, no.
- Bitch, that's my line.

I've said that line in,
like, twelve movies.

- Agent Hart,
are you a narcissist?

No.

- Do you think the whole world
is all about you?

- That's not-- I'm not--
- No.

You look at you
and then you look at him.

- That's what--
- Look at you, and look at him.

- Do you see any resemblance?
- Kind of sort of, man!

O-Okay, all right.
Okay, maybe I'm crazy.

- [Kevin] Help!
Help me!

Oh, hell no!
Help! Help me!

Oh, hell no!

- Now, safety during stunts
is of the utmost importance.

- Yeah, but I mean,
that's why you got stuntmen,

- right?
- Watch it.

- No, for the other guys,
not for me.

T-the lightweights.
I don't--

- Okay, your jacket
is flame retardant,

which means that
if you catch on fire,

don't panic, I will come in
and put you out.

- Okay.
Y-You're gonna--

Okay, I feel-I feel good--
I feel good about that.

- When you're ready,
I want you to storm the house,

find the victim,
and bring him to safety.

[growling]

What is that?

What are you doing?
I do--

- [barking]
- Psyching myself up.

[barking]

[howling]

It's hot!
Hot!

[barking]

[coughing]

It's fucking hot!

Where the fuck are you at?
Oh, God.

Oh, fuck, I can't see shit!

Little Kev?

- Excuse me,
are you Ron Wilcox?

- Oh, hello.
How are you?

- Jordan King.
- We've been waiting for you.

Help! Help me!

- I've got you, little Kev.
- Oh, hell no!

- I'm about to save
your little beautiful black ass.

Help! Help me!

Oh, hell no!

What the fuck?

- Who is this?
- Help! Help me!

- Oh, hell no!
- What the--

- Help! Help me!
Oh, hell no!

It's fucking hot!

Get your ass up.

- Yeah, um,
I'm just so nervous.

I've never been in
an action movie before.

I just wanna bring
my A-game here.

- 90% is mental, okay?
- Oh, shit-- Oh, shit!

- You are gonna be fantastic.
[screaming]

- I just know it.
- Oh, shit.

- Is he okay?
- Oh, God.

You leave this guy alone
for five seconds.

- Geez.
- Put me out! Put me out!

Put me out! Put me out!
Put me out!

- Is he okay?
- Oh, he's fine.

Gal Gadot was training with me,

she was on fire
for twelve minutes.

She put herself out
with a blanket.

He barely lasted
twelve seconds.

Is this funny to you?

- Hey, a leading man must learn
not to sweat the small stuff.

- What are you talking about
the small stuff?

I was on fucking fire,
Coach Ron!

Hey, knock it off!

There's a lady present,
and I want you to meet her.

Agent Hart,
this is Agent Jordan King.

She'll be your bunkmate.

- It is a pleasure
to meet you.

My pleasure.
Okay, you wanna explain to me

why she get
this nice introduction?

Why isn't she getting
hit in the head with a bat?

- When are you gonna bop her?
- Excuse me?

Okay, you know, just...

When he does this kind of thing,
I just zone him out.

When he starts to whine.
Come on, I'll give you a tour.

Okay.

- Now, this used to be
a slaughterhouse years ago,

up until the 70's...

♪♪♪

- ...which brings me
to rule number two.

There'll be no sexual
intercourse on the premises.

- Uh, yeah, um,
that won't be a problem.

[laughter]

I didn't think it would be.

- I know you have to say it.
I-It's fine, we're good.

- All right.
So, hey, take a beat, okay?

Relax, and we'll see you
out in twenty

on the training ground, okay?

- Thanks, Ron.
You're the best.

Hey, it's a pleasure.

[laughing]

He's a fucking sociopath.

- How do you mean?
- How do I mean?

Do you really wanna know
how I mean?

Because I was here
a couple days ago

and shit hit the fan.

There was a guy in here
accusing him

of murdering some dude
named Rodrigo.

- Rodrigo?
- Yes, Rodrigo.

Saw a whole thing.

And when I first
walked in this bitch,

they hit me in the head
with a bat.

Not no plastic bat.
With a fucking metal bat!

And today, today he let me
catch myself on fire!

- "Let me catch
myself on fire"?

- I don't know why
you gotta sound it out.

Yes. Let me catch--
no, I see why you did that.

Because if you slow it down,

you slow down,
it don't sound right.

But you get what I'm saying.

It happened.
It fucking happened.

Look, I'm sorry, all right?

It's just,
I don't have my phone,

it's weird in here,

and stuff is just starting to
fuck with me.

Maybe-maybe I'm going
a little stir crazy.

I don't know.

That's shit.
That's shit water.

Yep, God damn.

- Well, you're
not alone anymore, so...

- Yeah, well, maybe, but--
Hey, do I know you?

Oh.

- I do!
Fuck!

You're the girl from
that sitcom with the robot.

The robot that was
a butler, right?

You used to argue
with the butler,

"Uh-uh,
get the fuck out of here".

You'd do the thing,
"Butler, bitch".

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

- That's me.
- Wow.

- Well, was.
I just quit.

Kathryn Bigelow offered me
the lead in her next movie,

which is huge, since there are,
like, what,

three total action roles
for women?

- Oh, it's a lot
more than that.

But congrats.

Are you-- I mean,
you want me to name 'em?

I can go down the list.
You got Wonder Woman, right?

You know, the Black Widow.

You got, um, what was the one
with the woman with the, uh--

she's, uh-- what's--
that's three.

- Anyway, um, it's all riding on
this action school.

I've just gotta prove to Ron
that I've got the chops,

that I'm fit enough.

- You ain't gotta
prove that to nobody.

You are fit.

When you walked in that door
I said, "God damn."

Not like that.

I'm not saying it like that.
I don't mean it that way.

- I'm just here to train--
- Yeah.

- ...not make friends.
So, just to be clear.

- We're-we're here for
the same thing, right?

- Fuck friendship.
- Good.

Yeah.

- Mind if I use the bathroom?
- Do what you gotta do.

The bathroom right there.

- Yeah, I'm gonna
need you to just...

Oh. You gotta shit.

- Now in this lesson,
we're going to focus

and explore the action star's
motivations.

Agent King,
what is your motivation?

- After working undercover
in Paris,

I go down to the basement
of the Louvre,

where I thwart the theft of
an ancient Egyptian artifact

when I'm accosted by
a rogue agent.

- Good, Agent Hart.
- Accost?

That's a little strong,
isn't it?

- What the fuck?
Focus. Focus.

And...

- Okay, all right.
I-I'm an agent.

- Yes.
- I'm an agent, and, um,

basically, I gotta-I gotta
go get Agent King.

I gotta seduce--
I gotta seduce Agent King

in the basement of the Louvre.

And just a question,
is this, like,

- some James Bond fan fiction?
- And, action.

Agent King?

- Who wants to know?
- Agent Hart.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Not so fast.

Look, you're in great danger,

and the only cure for it
is to come with me to my bed.

♪♪♪

- Seduce her,
god damn it!

[screaming]

Seduce her.
Lure her into the car.

In the car.

In my car.

Fucking creep.

[groans]

- What the fuck was that?
- Beautiful, beautiful.

Keep going.
Keep going.

- What the fuck you mean,
"Keep going"?

What the fuck, man?

- Do you have a problem,
Agent Hart?

- Yeah, I got a problem,
motherfucker!

What is it?

- She's Bruce Lee,
and I'm some weird creeper.

- Oh, it's too challenging
for you to seduce her.

- Is that it?
- Uh, yes, it is.

When you got me, looking--

I see what you're doing.

You're trying to get me
all riled up.

It's not gonna work.

I'm not falling for
your little trap

and I'm not going
back over here

to fight this
fucking jujitsu master

with sexy talk.

- Oh, you want
a change of motivation?

- Yeah, I do.
- Okay.

This is your new motivation.

She's a Russian mole
pretending to be an FBI agent.

You eliminate her with this.

- It's a prop knife, right?
- Retractable.

Now go in there and
show her who's boss.

Now we're fucking talking.

You said
she's a Russian mole, right?

Okay, I don't like that.
Down goes the mole, huh?

Shit!
Oh, god damn it.

Hey, I'm about to stab you
in the side, okay?

With--
it's a prop knife.

What the?

Oh, you gotta sell it.
Make it look real.

[shouts]

Ah, what the fuck?

- Ah!
- Real blood.

- Oh, my God.
- What have you done to her?

- What have you done to her?
- I'm so sorry.

I thought-I thought you said
it was retractable.

I said it was practical.

It's a practical knife!
It's a real knife!

- Oh, my God.
- Oh God.

- She's passing out now.
- Oh, shit!

- I'm gonna have to
stitch her up.

I've got a medical kit
in my office.

- Fine, I will grab it.
- No!

- Ow, ow, ow.
- Go to your room.

- You're grounded!
- No.

What are you talking about?
I'll go grab it.

No!

My office is off limits
to students.

♪♪♪

I said my office
is off limits.

If you disobey me again,

the next time
I throw that knife

will be through
your fucking skull.

♪♪♪

Hey.

I brought you some breakfast
as a peace offering.

The food here
is a little tricky.

It's just a closet
full of beef jerky.

Apparently,
Macho Man Randy Savage

was an alum here and
he left his entire food supply

to Ron in his will, so...

Snap into a Slim Jim?

- Care to join me
for breakfast?

- Of course.
Jerky for two.

Hmm.

Um, look,
I'm going to apologize.

- You know, I didn't mean to...
- Stab me?

- Well, I wasn't
gonna use those words.

Look, Ron--
Ron is crazy.

I'm serious.
He's-he's nuts.

Sick in the head crazy.

And I'm convinced that
that motherfucker

killed a dude named Rodrigo.

And the motherfucker
tried to kill me

just for being
around his office.

And as far as your arm goes,
I know you think I'm lying,

I heard retractable.

- You know, I've dated
guys like you before.

It's always
someone else's fault.

That's not true.

That's not true at all.
When I'm wrong, I--

I shouldn't say that,
'cause I'm never wrong.

If-- If I'm wrong,

I have no problem admitting
that I'm wrong.

But in this case, I'm not.
He said "retractable."

- Hey, part of me
is glad you stabbed me.

It's a badge of honor.

I heard when Jason Statham
came through here,

he got stabbed
directly in the heart.

Did he survive that?

- He shot "Transporter"
like a week later.

- What the fuck?
In the heart?

- They stabbed him in the heart?
- Yup, right through it.

God damn it.

Maybe I'm just doing
the wrong fucking thing here.

I mean, maybe this just
isn't for me, you know?

- So just leave.
Go home.

I'm sure
there's a real hero somewhere

- in need of a goofy sidekick.
- Okay, that backfired.

I thought that you would
go the opposite direction

and tell me that,
no, I should stay.

And that this is for me.

That's what I thought.

- Well what do you
want me to say?

If you need extra motivation
to be the star

of a Claude Van De Velde movie,
you're in the wrong business.

This is probably my only shot
to be a big action star,

so I'm not gonna blow it.

I'll do anything it takes.

You're right.

You are absolutely right.

I need to stop
all the bitching and moaning.

I need to cowboy the fuck up.

There you go.

- When I first started
in the business

training action stars,

every stunt scene was practical,

or as Kevin might say,
retractable.

- Oh, that's really good.
That's great.

It's not funny.

- But the industry
has changed.

You can't even be
an action star

without, well,
knowing how to work green.

- I'm very familiar
with a green screen.

I mean, I've done about
15 movies

where we've had a green screen.

- In which of those 15 movies
were you the leading man?

Any idiot can jump
on a green screen

and pretend to be eaten by
a CG dragon.

Hell, even little Kevin
can do that.

Oh, hell no!

- Okay, who's finding the time
to dress him like me?

It's really--

- Okay, question,
what does a leading woman,

or leading man,
get to do onscreen

- that sidekicks don't?
- Win fights.

- Murder bad guys.
- Make love.

Today's lesson
is in love making.

- Yes!
On the green screen.

Are we doing it
on the green screen?

- Bingo.
- Nice.

Adding effects to the bed,
to the walls, cracking 'em.

Okay, I'm gonna be candid,

I don't want to do
a sex scene with him.

That's fine,

'cause I don't wanna do
a sex scene with her.

Ugh.

[laughter]

What's so funny?

- Okay, well, look at you,
and then look at her.

And look at you, then her.
Then you, then her.

Okay, I don't get the joke.

What is it?
What am I missing?

- All right,
let me put it another way.

Uh, look at you,
and then look at her.

Then look at you,
and then her.

- Can we just get this shit
over with, please?

- Okay, let's discuss
motivation.

All right, now, after
almost killing each other,

Agent Hart and Agent King

discover that they're
on the same team.

After defusing a bomb
at the top of a skyscraper

in-in the middle of
an earthquake,

you discover
this overwhelming passion

for each other.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

We're at the top
of a skyscraper

in the middle
of an earthquake?

Yes! Yes! Goddamn it!

You are the dumbest actor
that I have ever worked with.

Go! Action!

Red wire or blue wire?

It's gotta be the red.

Are you sure?

- Agent Hart, are you sure?
- I don't know.

[beeping]

♪♪♪

[relieved sighs]

♪♪♪

Earthquake! Earthquake!

The building's falling apart!

- Oh, uh, Okay, um...
- Okay.

- Good-- great.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Shit!
Hold on.

Wait-- Oh.

Where you at?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Kevin.
- Hold on, wait!

Give me a second.
Shit!

- Okay.
- Okay.

All right, come on.
It's an earthquake.

It's an earthquake, fuck.

- Yeah.
- Go.

- Agent Hart, I can't believe
we just diffused that bomb.

We just saved thousands
of lives, maybe millions.

- This earthquake's gotta be
about a 7.5 magnitude.

This could be our last time
being together before we die.

- Now kiss her neck softly
and start fucking.

What? Wait.

Kiss-kiss her neck
and then start fucking?

- Kiss her neck softly
and start fucking!

Oh, okay.

I'm just gonna do it,
'cause that's what he's--

Yeah, no, it's fine.

- Yeah, put your--
Give me that.

- [Ron] Be sexy!
Do something!

- Grab my leg.
- Yeah, give me this one.

- Have you never
had sex before?

Do it!

- That's not--
- We need to be upright.

- One second, that's it.
- Give me that.

[Ron] Go! Go!

- Agent Hart, no.
We shouldn't do this.

It's against Bureau
protocol.

- Well, protocol was
meant to be broken.

Ah, whoa!
Ah, help!

Help! Don't drop me!
Don't drop me!

Please don't let go!
Don't let go!

I won't, I've got you.

- Don't let go!
- I've got you, I promise.

- [Claude] Can you push in
a little closer?

Help me! Help me!

I'm too young to die.

- Any closer, they'll
see the cameras.

- Okay, good, hold there.
[Kevin screaming]

- I got you.
- Perfect.

- Help!
- Kevin,

you're like one foot
off the ground.

- You cannot teach
acting like that.

- [Jordan King] I'm just gonna
let you down, okay?

[Kevin] Ah!

[owl hooting]

- Okay, lights out,
twenty minutes.

No funny business.

And no fucking!

♪♪♪

Now do you believe me?

He's a fucking psychopath.

- Okay, it does seem like
an odd coincidence

your wires just snapped.

- Coincidence?
[indistinct]

Those lines are strong enough
to hold a goddamn elephant.

- Where's your phone at?
- He confiscated it.

♪♪♪

- Kevin, he said lights out.
We can't leave.

- He's not
my camp counselor.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm about to go, I'm about
to get my phone back,

and I'mma see what other
weird shit he hide

in this office that
he don't want me to see.

Kevin, don't.

♪♪♪

[knocking]

- Claude.
- Ronny, baby!

- [laughter]
- Garçon.

- Have a seat.
- Ah.

Uh, pull up
scene 12, please.

Have a seat.

- This is a bad idea.
- This is a good idea.

Wilcox won't murder me
in front of you.

Come on, there's his office.
Come on.

Shit!

Do you have a bobby pin?

Yeah, yeah,

it's in the bun on the back
of my fucking head.

Okay, don't be an asshole.

I'll find a paperclip.
Excuse me.

- Wait, you know how
to pick a lock?

- South side of Chicago,
born and raised.

It's not North Philadelphia,

but I'm not gonna
hold it against you.

- Got it.
- Hey.

[coughing]

Oh, God!
Oh, fuck, I can't see shit.

[coughing]
Where you at?

[Kevin] Help! Help me!

- I've got you, little Kev.
- Oh, hell no!

[screaming]
Help!

It's fucking hot!

Oh, whoa.

- You damn right.
It is authentic.

- He doesn't even know
he's being filmed.

Exactly.

I've been chasing for
this cinema verite style

of realistic hard action
filmmaking for years.

It is my white whale,
my unicorn.

All I needed was an actor
who was fragile,

vulnerable, afraid
of being forgotten.

Afraid of being forgotten.

Thank you, Kevin.
You're a gift.

Thank you, thank you.

- Any questions, uh,
for tomorrow's scenes?

Oh, no.

[speaking French]

I should get back
to the set.

- Bonsoir.
- Bonsoir.

- [speaking French]
- Merci.

Again.

- Hey, can I--
can I ask you a question?

- Yeah.
- So you...

you remember earlier today
when we were shooting

the scene on green screen,

like-like right before
the wire snapped,

you kind of seemed
like you was--

like you were really
into it.

It's called acting.

- You acted like you
wanted to kiss me.

Yes.

- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

♪♪♪

Come on, let's go.

- The fuck.
Stealing my shit.

Hollywood bitch.

♪♪♪

You got anything?

Nope, you?

- Got a drawer
full of old head shots.

Oh.

- "Coach Ron, you are
the bright light

"in the darkest parts
of my soul."

What the fuck
does that mean?

- We should get
out of here soon.

No, we shouldn't.

I know there's
some stuff in here

that he don't
want us to see.

you just gotta
look for it.

He probably got
one of them, like,

secret compartments
somewhere.

Got it!
[latch clicking]

Oh, bingo.

Holy shit.

- Here, I got another lock
for you to pick.

- What do you think's in there?
- Don't know.

Some shit he don't want
nobody to find.

- [distant door opening]
- Shit!

♪♪♪

Get your ass.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

- Oh, isn't
this interesting?

Well, I know that you're both
pretending to be asleep,

and that's fine.

It's probably the best acting
that either of you

will ever do
in your entire lives.

Especially you, Agent Hart.

But if I find out
that either of you

left this bunk
without my permission,

you'll regret the day
you ever stepped

into Ron Wilcox
Action Star School.

If you weren't fake sleeping,
you would have woken up.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

- Holy shit,
that was too close.

You're telling me.

♪♪♪

[grunting]

- Kevin, come on,
open it later.

We're supposed to be
at the sound stage.

- I'm almost there.
Wait a second.

Shit.

I got it!
I got it. I got it.

It's a necklace.

It's got RBG.

Oh, "R" is for Rodrigo,
that guy that he murdered.

- Jesus, Kevin,
give it a rest.

You gotta sneak that shit
back into his office

before he figures out
you stole it.

- [Ron] Rise and shine,
let's go.

- Come on, let's go!
- Shit.

Put this on your side.

♪♪♪

All right, class.

It's a fun day today.
It's a big day.

Behind that door, I got
a very big surprise for you.

- We'd see daylight
for the first time?

- Nope.
Any other guesses?

- You gonna open the door up
and a panther

gonna come through
and maul us to death?

- Getting warmer.
You're getting warmer.

Why am I getting warmer?

- Ooh, a source of protein
other than beef jerky?

- That would be great.
- Watch this.

- Unbelievable. Please.
- Some fruit? A smoothie?

- Josh Hartnett!
- Hey, hey, hey, buddy!

Ooh, ooh look out,
look out!

Ooh.

- [laughter]
- Get off me.

My favorite alumni.

- Class third week, April 1999.
- Oh, come on, that's--

- Come on!
- Oh my God.

Is it possible that
you're too beautiful?

[giggling]

- Um, yeah. You kiss--

it kissed my, um--
you smile a lot.

- What the fuck
did you just say?

- I--
- Kev,

I'm so glad
you're here, man.

This is gonna change
your life.

I mean, when Ron finished
with me,

I shot "Pearl Harbor",
"Black Hawk Down",

"Hollywood Homicide".

- You should have probably
left the last one out.

- When I first came here,
I was nothing.

I was, like, 100 pounds
soaking wet.

By the time I was out of here,
I felt invincible.

I felt like Academy Award
winner Matt Damon or some shit.

- [laughter]
- You're too much.

He's too much.

Why don't you guys catch up,
and, Agent King?

- Yes?
- Let's talk motivation.

- Bye.
- Nice to meet you.

Kev, how's it
going so far, man?

It is not going good.

This place is like a prison.
Do you hear me?

And I think Coach Ron
is trying to kill me.

- Well, that's just his way.
Look at him, he's a teddy bear.

He ain't no teddy bear!

He's the complete opposite
of a teddy bear.

And I believe he
murdered somebody.

I think he murdered
a Colombian drug lord.

I think he did it.

I got a guy named
Rodrigo was here,

- and I think he murdered--
- Oh God, you crack me up, Kev.

- Oh, you're serious?
- Yes, I'm serious.

I went snooping around
in his office,

and I think I found
a keepsake from the murder.

It was a necklace,
it's got "RBG".

- Ron murdered someone
and kept a necklace?

Like Dexter?

- Josh, listen to me.
- Yes?

- We need to call the cops.
- Okay.

- We need the people from
out there to come in here.

- Okay.
- I'm taking about the Feds,

- the DA--
- What are you whispering about?

- Nothing.
We're talking about workouts.

We're talking
my workout, his workout.

It's nothing much.

How's my goddaughter?

- Oh, man, she is
growing like a weed.

- Oh, yeah?
Let me see that.

- Goddaughter?
- Let me see that.

- Whoa-ho! Oh!
- Look at her.

She misses her
Uncle Ronnie, though.

- Well, you tell her
that her Uncle Ronnie

misses that little
pumpkinhead, too.

- [cries]
- Hey.

Hey, why the sad face?
Are you okay?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

[sighs]

I can't find
my special necklace.

The one that I had
custom made with RBG.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

That's okay, it's okay.

- Yeah, she's my favorite
Supreme Court justice.

I mean, I love
her dissenting opinions.

Let me tell you something,
if I find out

that someone stole it,
I'll kill 'em.

- I'll kill 'em!
- Hey!

You have to think
positive thoughts.

We're gonna find it.
It's gonna turn up soon.

I promise you,
it's gonna turn up soon.

- Today we're doing
firearms stunts.

We've got Officer Hartnett,
who is a corrupt cop

who's gone rogue,

we've got Agent King
and Agent Hart.

You finally found him
in this chop shop,

and this is where the shootout
will take place.

Now, here is your gun.

Nice.

- Don't you ever accept
a gun like that.

It's always from the back.

- You passed it
to me frontwards.

- That was a test.
You failed.

Now, these firearms
are loaded, okay?

So please, be careful
how you handle them.

- Well, we don't have
to be that careful

'cause there's-there's
blanks in them, right?

Not loaded, loaded.
Just--

They're blanks, correct?

No, Coach Ron, that's
not gonna do it for me.

I need a verbal confirmation
that it's blanks in this gun.

- What do you think?
- Yes or no?

Are there blanks
in this gun?

- Come on, Kevin.
Get your head in the game, man.

- Josh, my head's in the game.
I'm just trying to be safe.

And he still didn't
say yes or no.

Yes.

- Yes, you heard him.
- Okay, everyone in wardrobe.

I'll see you in ten,
right back here,

we start the shootout.

Let's go, let's go,
let's go.

- Hey, what are you doing?
Get into costume.

- No, not me.
I'm not doing it.

- Kevin, you're
being paranoid.

We all heard him say
there were blanks.

- My gun has blanks,
I guarantee you that.

But I bet you Josh, he's got
a fully loaded fuckin' pistol.

Now, Ron already tried
to kill me once.

Right now, he's probably willing
to go all the fuckin' way.

I'm not doing it.

Trying to make it look like
a goddamn accident.

That's exactly
what it'll do.

Kevin Hart accidentally killed
in Ron Wilcox's Action School.

No, thank you.

- First of all,
Josh would never do that.

He is sweet and sensitive.

And he's tender, probably.

- Okay, what the fuck
is over there, huh?

I bet he's none
of those things.

He and Ron,
they're like this.

Fucking godfather to his kids.
He didn't say shit about that.

And they know
I got the necklace!

So put it back.

- I can't put it back
'cause too late.

They know I got
the goddamn necklace.

You know what? It's not
safe for me here.

- I gotta go.
- Oh,

so you're just gonna give up
on your lifelong dream

because you're afraid
of getting shot?

Fuck that dream!

And look, I'm leavin'.

You got a choice.

Come with me.

Uh...

I can't.

I'm sorry.

This is my shot.

I understand.

It is your shot
and you deserve it.

Okay.

Nice.

[door shutting]

♪♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

One, two, three.

[laughing]

Yes!

♪♪♪

Ugh. That dick.

The fuck is my car?

You gotta be kidding me.

[clicking key fob]

Oh, motherfucker!

[car beeping]

He killed my car.
He killed my fucking car.

[Ron Wilcox] Kevin!

Kevin!

Where are you?

Come out, come out
wherever you are!

Shit.

♪♪♪

[sighing]

Goddamn it.

Motherfuckin' squirrels.

Shit! Get your ass
outta here.

Shoo!

Go squirrel!

[mimicking squirrel noises]

[squirrel growling]
Motherfucker.

Better get your ass back.

You hear me?

I ain't scared of you.

You better keep it over there
before you get hurt.

Bring it over here,
you get what you want.

Shit. Shit!
Oh...

[squirrel squeaking]
I see you.

I ain't takin'
my eye off you.

I got ya locked in.

Stay back!

[squirrel squeaking]

Stupid woods.

Oh.

Thank god.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir?

How ya doin', man?

- You know you're trespassin'.
- Yes.

I mean, no. No.
I didn't.

I do now. But I--

- Sign posted
right over there.

Only got two words on it.

No and trespassin'.

Yep.

I see it now.

I see it now. I didn't see that
when I-- when I came in.

The way I came in,
my back was to that.

So, I never caught that.

You're a city boy, ain't ya?

- Well, uh, I refer to myself
as a city man,

not a boy.
You can say boy, man,

whatever you--
what do you prefer?

- Woods ain't safe
for a city boy...

much less a city man.

Okay.

I'm gonna address the
elephant in the woods.

This whole "Deliverance" thing
that we got goin' on right now--

which is great, okay?
'Cause it's workin'.

So, when things are workin',
you give 'em the accolades

that they deserve.

I'm-I'm uncomfortable, sir.

I'm actually scared,
all right?

So, now that we know that,
let me help this mood

by just telling you
why I'm here.

I'm tryin' to use a phone.
You got a phone?

I wanna use it real quick,
and I'm outta here.

Two minutes.

- No! I'm not out
of my mind.

As a matter of fact,
I'm very much in my mind.

- The dude's tryin' to kill me.
- [Danny] That's unfortunate.

- What do you mean?
Unfortunate?

Listen to me, Danny.
He's trying to kill me.

- No, totally.
[text message alert]

Kev, listen.
I've got huge news.

All right? Ready?

"Pound Pups 4."

"Pound Pups 4."
They want you to voice Reggie,

a quick-witted,
short-tempered goldendoodle

who craves mischief.

- Did they ask
for me directly?

Yeah. Now, listen.

The money's not what
you're used to making,

but this could be the role
that gets you back

in the good graces
with the comedy gods.

- Hey, I-- Uh...

Hey! I-- Hi.

Hey, I'm Reggie
the goldendoodle

and I'm ready to
create some mischief!

See? You're a genius!

It's amazing.
I'm in the movie right now.

I'm watchin' the movie!

[chuckling]

Now, normally, we'd,
you know, counter.

Negotiate a better deal,
blah, blah, blah.

I think we should
close this one.

Huh? What do you think?
[sighing]

No, no, no.
Don't sigh.

Be happy.
This is good, Kev.

Oh, goddamn it.
Are you crying?

- How did we get here,
Danny? Hmm?

[sniffles]
How did we get here?

Just tell me
how we got here.

- Look. Stop beatin'
yourself up.

Huh? You made a mistake.

You tried to be
somethin' you're not.

You're not an action hero.

You know that now.

So, is that a yes
on "Pound Pups 4?"

- [crashing]
- I...

[Waylon] Help! Help me!

- I'm stuck!
- [Danny] Kevin?

Kevin, I need
a verbal yes on this.

Kevin, don't let
this go away, buddy.

- [Waylon] Help me!
- [Danny] Kev, goldendoodles.

You love dogs, Kevin.

[Waylon] Help!

- [Danny] Kevin.
- [Waylon] Help me!

[coughing]
Help!

- Hey, you okay?
- No!

- Fuck.
- Damn truck broke.

Ugh. Shit!

It's on my chest.

I can't breathe.

- I'm gonna call
somebody right now, man.

Okay? I'm gonna
call someone.

Hey.

Hey!

Oh, sh--

Okay. Come on.

You gotta lift this truck.

You gotta lift this truck!

Lift the fuckin' truck.

Come on, Kevin.

Ready.

Three, two, one.

[yelling]

I'm doing it!
I'm doin' it!

[yelling]

[coughing]

Oh.

You okay?

Breathe, man.

Slow down.

Take your time.
All right.

Nice and slow.
Get your breath back.

- Oh, my god.
You just saved my life.

- No.
- Oh, oh, yeah.

You're like
a real-life Rambo.

I guess I kinda am.

Oh...

How can I ever
repay you, sir?

Sir? No, man.

Wait, you don't
know who I am?

You don't recognize me from
movies, TV, stand-up comedy?

Uh, no?

The name is Hart.

Agent Hart.

Hey, you wouldn't happen
to know of a shortcut back

to Ron Wilcox's Action School,
would you?

- Wilcox Property.
- Yeah.

Uh, yes, Agent.

Uh, you can follow that path,
it'll take you right to it.

Okay.

I think I'mma go
and get on that trail

before the sun goes down.

- Uh, that--
you ain't walkin'.

♪♪♪

Oh, yeah.

[motor revving]

♪♪♪

- How was that?
- [Claude van de Velde] Phenomenal.

We got it.

- All right, that's a wrap
on the creepy trailer!

[applause]
Well done, everyone.

♪♪♪

- [Jordan] Stop!
Goddamn it, stop!

Motherfuckers.

Chitty chitty
bang bang, bitch.

[gunshots]
No!

No!

Fuck!

[laughing]

- Holy shit, Jordan.
You weren't joking.

He actually thinks we're using
real bullets today.

Kev.

- You told him?
- I'm sorry, it was funny.

It's not fucking funny!

'Cause that man back there
is a lunatic.

You're a fucking lunatic,
Coach Ron.

Hey! You know what?

Maybe I am a lunatic.

Maybe I oughta
just kill ya!

- Hey, no, Ron.
Hold up.

Let me kill him.

- Stop it.
- No. Me! Me! Me!

[gunshots]

Stop it. Stop!

You know what, assholes?

Y'all wanna fuckin' play,
then play. Go ahead.

Unload 'em all.

- All right.
Now we're havin' fun.

- [gunshots]
- After you.

Shit!

Holy shit.

Maybe there was
a bullet in there.

- You're bad, man!
[laughing]

- [indistinct chatter]
- Motherfucker!

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, my god.

- Josh, stop, man.
This is bullshit!

You're tryin' to
fuckin' kill me!

- What's your problem?
I already apologized to you.

- When? When did you apologize?
- I thought I did.

- What, you thought
you apologized?

- You know what, maybe I would
apologize to you

if you gave me back
my necklace.

There it is. There it is.

You know I took the necklace
so you tried to fucking kill me.

- Hey, hey.
- Just admit it, man!

- Kev, Kev, Kev, Kev.
Just chill out.

We're all just
goofin' around.

We're just having
a little fun, okay?

Nobody got hurt.
Nobody got hurt!

- Oh, it was a goof.
- Yeah, just a goof.

- Well, now that I know that,
I guess I feel better.

All right.

- Did you know it was
a goof, Jordan?

- You know what,
I don't know. Okay?

It was-- I don't--
I don't know.

- You don't know.
- I'm staying out of it.

- Now, you're staying out of it.
- Yeah.

- You know what? Okay.
Everybody's tempers

are a little hot
right now.

Maybe we could all
just take a break.

- Maybe take five.
- Let's take a break.

- We drink some water.
We have some beef jerky.

- All right. Okay.
- We just--

- We reconvene in a bit, okay?
- I'm cool. I'm cool.

- You're cool?
- I'm cool. Give-- Come on.

- Give him a hug.
- Give me a hug, man.

- Give me a hug.
- I don't-- No.

- Come on. I love you, man.
- That's beautiful, right?

How do you love me? How?

- How? How does
anybody love anybody?

- What?
- That's profound.

It's a good question.

- We're gonna
miss you, big guy.

- I'll miss you too, baby.
- That was a hoot!

- Now he's lettin' us see
daytime as if we're free.

- I never said you
weren't allowed to leave.

You got a little bit
of imagination there, buddy.

- Well, I remember
my car used to be here

and now my car is
at the bottom of a ravine.

Guess I'm imaginin'
that, too?

- Yeah, well, you know,
this is meth country.

Probably a couple of tweakers
goin' for a joyride.

- They'll be back.
- Ah...

Tweakers love to drive,
I keep forgettin.

- I thought we were
gonna be cool, baby.

- Yeah.
- I am cool. Cool.

[chuckling]

Hey, look.

I know this has
been tough on you.

You only got
a couple days left.

My advice, take as much wisdom
as you can from this guy.

- And just have some fun.
- Yeah. Thank you.

Appreciate you, Josh.

See ya, Kev.

- I love you, man.
- I love you too, man.

Jordan.

The fuck was that?

[car starts]

[music playing in car]

- Agent Hart.
I wanna tell ya somethin'.

- I don't really feel like
dealin' with it, Coach Ron.

But look.

I'm sorry about
that live bullet, man.

I really am.

It's all I wanted, man.

All I wanted
was an apology.

I know.

You sayin' that to me makes
the world of difference.

I'm sorry that
I accused you of--

of tryin' to kill me
and other people.

Now, give me a hug, man.
Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Uh, guys?

- Yeah.
- Who is that?

[car honking]

- Holy shit.
- Oh shit!

[tires squealing]

- [explosion]
- Oh, shit!

- Get inside!
- What the fuck was that?

- Come on!
- Fuck this shit!

- Goddamn it!
- Oh, shit!

It's a bomb!

What the hell is happening?

- Hey, Ron, I-I don't
know this scene.

Where is it
in the script?

- It is not in
the fucking script!

- No, no, no.
Tell me you're kidding.

Tell me that
was just a stunt.

That we did not just watch
Josh Hartnett explode!

- It is not a stunt!
It is not in the script!

Josh Hartnett is dead!

Oh, god, I've fucked up.
I've fucked up!

What the fuck is goin' on?

- I can't.
- What the fuck is goin' on?

- [speaking with British accent]
- O-okay, Kevin.

Don't-Don't be mad.
Don't be mad.

But this whole thing,

aside from what just
happened to Josh Hartnett,

has-has been scripted.

- What the fuck
is that accent?

- I was acting,
I'm sorry!

I'm not from Chicago,
I'm from Essex!

Claude Van De Velde wanted you
at your most authentic,

so he hid a bunch
of cameras in here

to film us playing roles,
doing the stunts,

all of it.

But whatever just happened
wasn't part of it.

Which is fucking insane, Ron!
For fuck's sake!

For fuck's sake?

That's what you
wanna say to me?

For fuck's sake?

[speaking foreign language]

- Talk in your regular voice.
- All right.

No, I've lost it now.
I'm in my head!

- Who does that?
Who does this to somebody?

[grunts]
[gunfire]

Oh, shit. You okay?

- Oh, god.
I'm such a fucking idiot!

- What was I thinking?
- What the hell was that, man?

- You want to know
what the hell is going on?

- You're goddamn right
I wanna know what's going on.

I bought some drugs.

- I sold them to the wrong people.
- What?

- And Rodrigo got mad at me
and we got into a fight.

And then, I accidentally
killed him.

- You did kill Rodrigo.
- Yes.

- I told you
he fuckin' killed him.

- And that necklace.
That necklace was his necklace.

I'm a horrible person.

I'm going straight
to hell.

- You're goddamn right
you're going to hell.

- What are you doing?
- Claude!

- What are you doin', Ron?
- Claude!

Claude, if you're watchin',
you call the cops right now.

You call the fuckin cops.

Senor Wilcox!

Oh, shit.

- My nephew Rodrigo's body
washed up

4 miles due south
of here!

A coincidence, no?

I'm gonna give you
2 minutes.

Exactly dos minutos
to bring your ass out here

and face me like a man!

If not, I'm gonna set fire
to the building

and burn you
like a chicharone.

[whimpering]

- Snap out of it!
- I can't! It's over!

- Listen to me,
motherfucker.

This is why men shouldn't be
left in charge of anything!

My career is just now
becoming the thing

that I have worked
my entire life towards!

And I'm not dying because
of you, you fucking idiot.

We're all gonna die!

[scream]

- Oh, shit.
- What the fuck, man?

- Everybody gotta
calm the fuck down!

They're all blanks.

- Hey. Hey. Hey.
- Don't hit me.

- I'm not gonna hit you.
Look.

When I first walked through
that door, you told me.

You said, "Kevin--"

You said an action hero
is not in here.

- You said it's not in here.
- Uh-huh.

You said that it's here.

It's in your heart, man.

You know, clearly,
you done made some mistakes.

And one of those mistakes
involved murderin'

the nephew of some kind
of drug lord.

- [wailing]
- Oh, god.

I killed him!

- I'm not tryin' to
fuckin' upset you, man.

Listen.
I know that you know.

I know that you know that
there's an action hero in there.

And I know that a true
action hero is-is-is tough.

Is confident.

And they're unfazed
by the minor details

that disrupt
your average lay person.

They will take responsibility
for their shit.

You go out there
and you tell the truth, man.

Tell the fucking truth.

Say Rodrigo's death--
say it was an accident.

Say it was a fucking accident.
And give 'em--

Give 'em this.
Here.

You give 'em this,

say you wanna make
things right.

- I wanna make it right.
- That's all you gotta do!

Say I wanna make it right.
I'm sorry.

- I fucked up.
- I fucked up.

- I wanna tell the truth.
- I wanna tell the truth.

- That's it!
- I don't wanna make a mistake.

Okay, listen.

All you gotta do
is be the action hero

that you wanna see
in the world.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Tell the truth, man.

That was amazing.

Amigos!

Amigos.

Peace. Peace.

Paz.

Paz. Paz.

Paz. Paz. Paz. Uh...

- Shit, it's
actually working.

Kevin, did you just
save our lives?

- No. I just know
that being the hero

means ownin' up
to your mistakes.

I had to learn
the same thing in my life.

Just glad that Ron can
learn the same thing too.

[gunshots]

Shit!

What the fuck!

Is he dead?

- I mean, he took a lot
of bullets. I think so.

We gotta check.

We gotta check to see
if he's still alive.

[gunshots]

- He's dead.
- Yeah.

- He's dead.
- Yeah.

- He's fuckin' dead.
- Okay. Okay.

Maybe if we just stay quiet,
they'll leave.

- I like that plan.
Yeah. Yeah.

- Juan. Ortiz.
Go inside.

If there's any witnesses,
kill them.

- Hide!
[overlapping chatter]

Go!

Fuck.

- Close it, close it,
close it.

Hold it. Hold it.

Hey, do we got any more
real bullets?

- [banging]
- I checked already,

they're blanks.

- What do you mean
they're fucking blanks?

Is everything in here
a fuckin' prop?

[banging]
What about the knife?

The knife
I stabbed you with?

- It was retractable.
Fake blood.

- Shit! Are you
fucking kidding me?

Shit! Go.
Go, go, go!

Kevin?

Yeah.

Um, if anything happens

and we don't
get out of here alive,

- I just want you to know--
- Stop.

I love you too.

- Uh...
- Shit. You were gonna

say somethin' else,
weren't you?

You were gonna say it
was nice knowin' me?

- Yeah.
- Fuck me.

We're about to die.
You could've at least lied.

I mean, you've been lying
this entire week,

wouldn't have made
that big of a difference.

- I'm sorry.
I was hired to play a role

and they paid me
a lot of money.

Like, a lot.

- You're not making it
any better.

You're actually making it
a lot worse.

- Shh.
Did you hear that?

- Shit.
They're coming.

- Play dead.
- What? No.

- They'll walk in here,
they'll see that we're dead,

and then they'll leave.

- But how-how did we die?

- I can't hear you.
I'm dying.

What the...

[grunting]

[screaming]

Oy! Did you hear that?

- Yeah.
I think it's Ortiz.

- Oh. Then what the fuck
are you waiting for?

[muttering]

It's not fuckin'
rocket science.

[grunting]

- Kick me, bitch? Huh?
Kick this!

Kick me twice,
shame on me.

Kick me three times--
[screaming]

[gunshots]

Don't look,
I'm on your fuckin' back.

Come on, let's get
the fuck outta here.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Come on.

You think you can
win a gunfight

with a Colombian
drug lord?

- No. We don't have guns
in England.

Didn't you say you're
from North Philly?

- What are you doing?
I can't take the gun like that.

Give it to me right.

Ron would be proud.

Shut up, Ron would be proud.

Ron would be proud.
[gunshots]

Shit!

Go. Go, go, go.

Fuck, fuck, go.

[whistling]

- Okay. I'm going
to create a distraction,

and then you're going
to shoot the guy.

- Yeah.
- Are you ready?

- I've never been
more ready in my life.

- On three.
One, two--

- Wait, wait, wait.
No, don't count like that.

Go the other way. Three, two--
Like that does better for me.

Three, two, one.

[metal clatters]
Go, go, go.

- It's go-time.

[gunshots]
Yeah, motherfucker!

Yeah, motherfucker!

[gun clicks]

God damn!

[gunshots]
Motherfucking prop!

I'm out! I'm out!
I'm out!

Fuck!
Almost got him.

- Yeah, you did.
- Yeah.

Okay, he's reloading.

- Follow me. Quick.
- Okay.

Wait, wait. Wait for me!
Wait for me!

Damn it.

Can't believe
I missed his ass.

I had him. The sight.
It's gotta be the sight.

- The sight is off with this.
- No, Kevin.

You just can't shoot for shit.
We need to think!

There has to be something
in here we can use.

- Guess what we can't use? This.
It's out of bullets.

I ain't got
no more bullets.

- [gun clatters]
- Kevin! Focus.

It's props.

It's a bunch of fuckin'
props over here.

♪♪♪

Whoop, there it is.

[door creaking]

[car horn honking]

♪♪♪

[gunshots]

- [Kevin] Hell no!
Oh, hell no!

[static]
Oh hell no! No-no-no--

- Got you,
motherfucker!

Oh shit!

Okay, okay,
okay, okay.

[grunting]

Hold his ass.

Oh, you thought it
was over, didn't you?

But I don't
travel alone.

No, I got my friends
with me.

Let me introduce you to
Mr. Fuck Shit and Mr. Up.

- Kevin, shut up!
- Okay. No, no, I was--

I had more,
but I can cut it.

Hold this motherfucker.

Shit! I thought
you had his feet!

Shit! Yeah.
We got his ass.

I got him.

- Ain't no "I" in "team."
Put it up here.

Let's get outta here.
Come on.

Watch your step.
Watch your step. Let's go.

He kicked me right in
the fucking nose,

son of a bitch.

Run! Run.

Hey, wait a minute,
Jordan.

Jordan, slow down.
It's a cliff.

It's a cliff!
It's a cliff!

Oh, shit.

Come on, we've got to go.

- I can't! I can't do that.
That's too far.

- I'm sorry.
- Jesus Christ, just jump.

- Just go. Go save yourself!
- No!

We're both getting out of here.
Now, hurry the fuck up!

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

Fuck!

Go. Go. Go.

Shit.

Why didn't you say
you love me back?

- Uh, I dunno.
We just--

We're just kinda getting
to know each other and--

[gunshot]

[yelps]

- Any last words
before I blow your brains out?

Don't shoot me, okay?

You ain't gotta
do this.

You ain't gotta
do this, man.

Yeah. Just let me...

[imitates squirrel]

Why are you doing that?

Cut it out.
Stop it!

You look at me
when I kill you.

Look at me!

I know that there's
nothing up there.

[grunting]

[ringing]

[grunting]

Ah, shit!

[yelling]

- Go home. I'm sure there's
a real hero somewhere

in need of
a goofy sidekick.

[panting]

Well, you're not
alone anymore.

[wincing]

I've got you,
I promise!

Kevin!

Focus.

[grunting]

[yelling]

[thud]

I owe you one.

[imitates squirrel]

I'm comin' for you.

I'm comin'.

It's a simple jump.

Three, two, one.

Hey.
Hey, come on.

Jordan, no.
Come on, get up. Get up.

Jordan, no.

Look at me.
Look at me.

Don't you die. Don't you die.
I'm not gonna let you die.

Come on, Jordan. You can't--
you can't die, not--

Come on, Jordan.
Get up. Don't do--

Jordan! Jordan!

I jumped.
I got over here.

Jordan?
I fucking jumped!

[crying]
I fucking jumped.

I fuckin'--

Breathe.
[clapping]

Bravo.

It's a wrap, everybody.

[cheers and applause]
Bravo.

A wrap?

Agent Hart!

Coach Ron?

Woo! Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Oh, yeah.

- What the fuck
is happening?

- Hey, baby. It was good workin'
with you.

No hard feelings, man.
Sorry.

- Hi.
- Oh, no. Come on, Jordan.

- This was a part of it, too?
- Yeah.

- Sorry, Kevin.
- Jordan.

I really thought
that I lost you.

Oh, Kevin.

- Well, I guess I'm glad
that you're alive.

Well, movie magic.

- Movie magic.
- Very good. Very good, guys.

- Jordan, no.
Come on. Get up. Get up.

Jordan, you can't do this.
Don't die.

Come on, Jordan.
Get up. Don't do--

Jordan!
Jordan!

I did it. I jumped.
I got over here!

Jordan.
I fuckin' jumped!

[crying]
I fuckin' jumped.

♪♪♪

[clapping]

- [sighs]
- Well?

- That may be the strangest
movie I've ever seen.

So bizarre
and-and-and violent.

And yet...
authentic.

You can't teach
acting like that.

- So, you liked it?
- Like it?

I like kidney-shaped
swimming pools.

I like reduced-fat
eggnog.

This movie?

I loved.

He loves it.

- How does it feel
to be a leading man

in your own
action movie?

- Wow.
- Kevin, please.

Oh, the same stage.

Uh...
[applause]

Oh, stop, stop.
Guys.

Well, I learned
two things.

The first thing is
that it's dangerous.

It's dangerous
as hell.

I mean, I was set on fire.
[chuckling]

I was hit in the head
with a bat.

Punched. Kicked.
I'm really gonna be scarred.

- [laughing]
- Yeah, he probably is.

- No, I'm serious. I don't know
why you're laughing,

I'm being very serious.
[laughing]

I'm gonna have real issues
because of this guy right here.

- Fuck yeah!
- It's not--

It's not a fuck yeah.
It's a serious thing.

The second thing that
I learned is that, uh,

there's no such thing
as a leading man.

'Cause you're nothing
without your co-stars.

And I had that
in-in you guys.

So, thank you. Come on.
Get up here.

- Seriously. Get up here.
- Bro.

- Buddy.
- Take this in.

Take it in with me.

Wait, wait.
Do I get top billing?

- Yeah. You'll have
top billing.

- Nice.
I forgot to ask.

- Well, I think it's time
to celebrate.

- Yes!
- Yes!

- Looks like we've got
a hit on our hands!

Ron, congratulations!

- Congratulations, everybody.
[applause]

- Ladies and gentlemen, we have
a real treat for you today.

- Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Easy with the spoilers.

This requires a little
dramatic build-up.

- Okay.
Here it is.

Now, you know that
I'm not a big fan

of these high-budget
action films.

Here she goes again

with her love
of fancy foreign films.

- I have discerning taste.
This is my build-up.

- This is what you requested.
- Continue.

- This movie
by Claude Van De Velde moved me.

- I gotta say.
- It's an incredible film.

I've seen it 27 times.

Team Van de Velde right here.

- The hero of this movie
is not the action star

that you would expect.

The one that really
saves the day.

Well, we have him here today.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Sassy the squirrel.

[cheers and applause]

- Oh, you're a lot bigger
in person.

Oh, hell no.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪