Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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[audience cheering and applauding]

[Bert] When I was 22, I got involved with the Russian mafia.

Here's how it happened.

[audience cheering]

I went to school at Florida State. I was not a very good student.

This is how bad I was.

I signed up for a Russian class one time, thinking it was Spanish.

And it took me three classes before I realized,

-"I don't think this is Spanish." - [audience laughs]

So I took Russian 1, 2, 3, and 4, never learned a fucking word.

MOSCOW

The end of Russian 4, same teacher pulls me aside.

She's like, "Yo, we're taking a trip to Russia.

If you go, you'll get a minor."

I was like, "Strasvutsia, bitches, I'm back!"

[audience laughs]

We went to Russia. The Russian mob ran everything.

And they told us that our first night.

I'm in the back of the class like, "This trip just got fucking awesome."

VOLGOVITCH CASINO

Then, like, in exchange for our money, they gave us two young gangsters.

The word for that in Russian is "banditti."

[continues on TV] So I ended up befriending the banditti.

[ominous music playing]

Then, one night, the whole class is taking an overnight train trip to Moscow.

We roll to the bar car like a big dick in a locker room.

Just, not that I've ever been that guy, but I've seen it.

So the banditti says to me,

"Don't worry. When it gets dark, we have good time."

I'm like, "What are we doing when it gets dark?"

Reaches into his pocket, pulls a ring of keys out.

He goes, "We're robbing the whole fucking train."

Now...

I'm a good per-- I'm an okay person.

[audience laughs]

My point is, we fucking robbed them.

[music intensifies]

We robbed the whole train, and then we drank hard as shit.

Pull in to Moscow at 6 a.m., hammered, piss drunk. Train stops.

[in Russian] It is him.

My whole class, they're in their pajamas.

They're upset. They've been robbed. I get it.

[in Russian] I want what you stole, Machine!

- [gunshots] -I'm the Machine!

They look at me and look at each other and they're like, "Fuck it! He's the Machine!"

[dramatic music playing]

["Torn" playing]

♪ I thought I saw a man brought to life ♪

♪ He was warm He came around like he was dignified ♪

♪ He showed me what it was to cry ♪

♪ Well, you couldn't be That one I adored ♪

♪ You don't seem to know Seem to care what your heart is for ♪

♪ But I don't know you anymore ♪

♪ There's nothing where you used to lie Our conversation has run dry ♪

♪ That's what's going on Nothing's fine, I'm torn ♪

♪ I'm all out of faith This is how I feel ♪

♪ I'm cold and I am shamed Lying naked on the floor ♪

♪ Illusion never changed Into something real ♪

♪ I'm wide awake and I can see The perfect sky is torn ♪

♪ You're a little late, I'm already torn ♪

♪ I'm already torn ♪

♪ I'm already torn ♪

♪ I'm already torn ♪

[song fades]

[man] Okay.

So, Bert, how we doing today?

I feel fantastic.

I'm eating clean. I'm working out.

Blood pressure's down.

No more partying. [chuckles]

I haven't called anyone in this room the C-word in almost three months, huh?

He's never called Tat a C-word.

- Oh, she's never acted like a C-word. - Thanks, Dad.

- So Mom and I act like C-words? - [Bert laughs]

You'd be shocked.

- Wait. Just leave it there. - Mom! Mom?

- Okay. Okay. - [Sasha] Mom.

- Mom. - I'm still waiting.

- All right! - That's not fair.

Bert, why are we here?

Well, I wanted you guys to see the progress that I've made.

To see how far I've come.

Personal growth isn't something that you need to point out.

Progress is something that your family should be noticing on their own.

Bro, that's why they're here, to notice it.

Hey, if you're not on my team, shut the fuck up, okay?

Okay, no. Has Bert ever talked about his father?

- No. - [Bert] This has absolutely

- nothing to do with my father. - Huh.

I had an incident with my daughter.

An incident.

That was caused by my lifestyle and my behavior.

And I am taking actions to course-correct.

[LeeAnn] And you should know

that he sounds just like his father when he talks like that.

- [Bert] Hold on. - Yes.

- My father doesn't understand me. - Same.

Not same. Not same.

My father's always correcting me.

- Same, same. - Not same, same!

Your relationship with me is totally different

than my relationship with Papa.

Okay, girls, please, can you wait outside?

Perfect. Come on, Tat.

Deuces.

[door opens]

- Ho, ho. - [LeeAnne scoffs]

[door closes]

- So you can see what's going on here? - [Bert] Yeah.

- You just saw that, right? - Yes.

You-- Oh...

Wait. You're talking about me?

Oh, yes.

Oh, fuck off.

Fuck off? Fuck you! Fuck off!

Oh, I didn't say it like, "Fuck off!"

- I said, "Fuck off." - You do not tell me "fuck off."

It's my therapy. I can say whatever I want, right?

- Actually, you can't. - No, like, you signed an oath!

Hey! I am going to allow the two of you to talk about his issues with his father.

Deuces, Bert.

[door opens]

[door slams]

You know the C-word's "cunt," right?

[Bert] Okay. Here we go.

Okay. One last push.

- You can get it all in. Get it all in. - [LeeAnn groans]

We got it. It's gonna-- Getting it in!

15 minutes! 15...

Hey, babe! Look who's up!

[treadmill whirring]

Babe, 96 workouts in a row,

and I still feel like I'm sweating out toxins.

- Still smells like your skin is pissing. - Two more.

One more. Nice. Ho, ho!

- Hey. - [clatters]

Do you think people are gonna think I'm on HGH? Feel that.

- Uh... - Feel my tit.

No, like full-handed. Full-handed. Grab it.

There you go. Nice.

[laughs] I'm making smoothies.

[yells] Who wants smoothies?

[whirring]

[Sasha] Mom, can you please tell him

not to do anything embarrassing at my party today?

Whoa! So that's how we're gonna start our morning?

I haven't done anything publicly embarrassing

in almost three months.

Okay.

But don't go overboard this time.

I just want it to be with my friends.

What friends?

Don-- Eas-- Le--

- So not cool. - Don't.

Are those nut sacks?

No.

It's a pimple for Dr. Pimple Popper.

Oh, you don't think that's a little gross?

Uh, it's totally gross.

That's why Sasha and I love it.

If you think about it,

it's kind of like a metaphor for her exploding into womanhood.

What is wrong with this shirt?

Supposed to be like this?

Hey, babe.

If I stand like this, does it look tucked in?

Don't wear that shirt.

All right.

What are these, my dad's shirts?

[sighs]

Can you please help me pick out a shirt?

Okay.

I think that this therapy is making everything worse.

I think you need to get back on-stage.

[laughs] That's definitely not happening.

- Why? - Sit down.

Have you ever seen The Nutty Professor?

- Uh, no, I have not. - Okay.

Eddie Murphy turns into this one guy,

which is great at first.

But then his family starts hating him

and he starts hating himself.

Uh--

Look.

I'm the Machine on-stage.

I'm also the Machine off-stage.

I got high and I got drunk,

and I almost got our daughter arrested.

I saw the look in her face.

I was helpless and I couldn't do anything,

and I wanted to kill myself.

I will never let that happen to our family again.

[pensive music playing]

Well, fuck, now I wanna watch The Nutty Professor.

It's a pretty good movie. I wish you had watched it.

It's exactly what I'm going through right now.

Maybe for now, for today, we keep it simple.

- I can do simple. - Yeah?

[rock music playing over speakers]

[Bert] There she is.

There's my birthday girl.

Hey, Sash, what do you think of the party?

It's kind of big.

Kind of big and awesome, right?

Hey, Bert, does the DJ have any glitchcore?

Hey, Madison...

I'll go check.

- Hey. Hey. - What's up?

I thought you said you invited, like, ten people.

Oh, no. I invited a ton.

Well, you can't risk no-shows, babe.

And partying with six people is fucking depressing.

I even invited parents that hate me.

- What's up, Madison's mom? - Oh. Hm.

That guy's a bitch. He is such a...

She's going through a divorce. Be nice.

- Seriously? - Mm-hm.

Hey, hey. This is a sweet 16.

- It's a big deal. - Yeah, for Sash.

I think Skeletor over there must be the DJ.

Can you tell him where to set up?

Yeah. Hey, Trainspotting.

You have any glitchcore? Wait, is that my boom box?

Yeah.

- Is that my auxiliary cord? - Yeah.

Oh, do you want my phone?

Nah.

Fucking disgusting.

Hey, don't do that around the kids.

Actually, you know what? Stay away from the kids. We got music! I think.

Gentlemen, what are you doing up here? Girls are in the pool.

They're talking about you. Jump in.

Take your shirts off. Don't piss in my pool.

- Yo, Machine. - Not today, brother. Not today.

Ladies. Steer clear of the DJ. Food's to the right, all right?

Hey, Kreischer, no booze?

Hey, Madison's mom, no husband?

[laughs] Fucking bitch.

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

Killing it, B-Man. Killing it.

[man clicking tongue and making popping sounds]

Hey there.

[tense music playing]

Dad?

In the flesh.

[chuckles]

I see you haven't given up trying to learn how to barbecue.

Good for you, son.

Wait, what are you doing here?

Well, I'm not gonna miss my grandkid's sweet 16.

It's a big day.

Right. Right.

Well...

[clicking tongue and making popping sounds]

Not gonna flip 'em yet, huh?

Might be... Eh, it's okay, it's okay.

Really?

Well, I just don't want you to mess 'em up.

You know, then people will be disappointed.

You'll feel bad.

It'll be all that, "Huh, remember Bert's barbecue?

- Those burgers, yikes." - Goddamn it.

Oh, see?

Did you add egg to the mix?

- Okay, Dad. - It binds. It moisturizes.

Makes a much better burger.

- Oh. - My dad showed up.

- From Florida? - Yeah.

And it took about two seconds before he started making me mental with the:

[clicking tongue]

- Look at him! - Hey, Boo Bear! Hi!

He's a monster.

- Oh! - Oh.

Okay, yeah. Breathe it out there, champ.

- [Tatiana] Hey, hey, Dad? - Yes!

Yeah, no. The dog's pooping in the pool.

- What? - [girl] Gross!

Wait, how?

You paid money to see my son take off his shirt

and tell his made-up story about robbing a train in Russia?

Dad, for the millionth time, it's a true story.

It's my job, okay?

[man] And you should get back on-stage.

'Cause I've seen you only, like, five times.

You paid to see him five times?

I'm just shocked that people would actually do that.

[Bert] Dad.

[Albert] You don't buy carpet five times.

- Bye, Papa. - Oh, sweetheart.

[Sasha] I'm sorry, I'm gonna go.

[Albert] Oh, don't worry about that.

And you remember, you can call me anytime whenever you want to talk about...

Well, you know.

- All right. Bye. - [Bert] Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Wait, where are you going? Hold on.

- Bye, Bert. - Mr. Kreischer. Hey, stop!

- What? - Where are you going?

Mads asked me to go to Big Bear for, like, three days.

You are not going anywhere. Hey, you're 16 years old.

You're not going to Big Bear 'cause I know you're gonna drink beer and smoke pot.

I'll be fine because I'm not you. Okay?

Okay, stop. That's fair. That's fair.

I deserve that. I deserve that. Okay?

Hey. Look at me. Look at me. Don't go.

We wrap up this party, me and you,

hang out tonight, we'll watch Dr. Pimple Popper.

I don't even watch that show anymore, Dad.

And I don't even know half of these people here.

What, are you kidding me?

You know-- What about this guy? You know this guy.

- Ray Ray. - You know Ray Ray.

Dad, I said I wanted a small party,

and you promised that you wouldn't embarrass me.

I'm just trying to be a good dad.

See?

It's about you.

- It's always about you! - What are you talking about?

How did I make it about...? How did you flip that?

Don't do that! Don't leave!

Don't you flip me off!

Don't you get in that car!

Don't get-- See?

This is the C-word behavior I was talking about in therapy!

I'm not saying it! I'm just pointing it out!

[sobs]

It's your fat fucking fault! Asshole!

Goddamn it.

Son?

Not now, Dad.

Uh...

We should...

You know...

if you're searching for a new path,

there's always room for you at Kreischer Karpets.

I'm good, Dad, okay? I'm good. I promise.

Just give me a minute.

Well...

I just wasn't sure, you know, how you're making money

if you're not doing the whole comedy thing anymore.

Hey, I'm a grown man.

I'll figure it out, okay?

Yeah, all right, all right, you know.

Just trying to help.

Hold on right there.

No, you're not. You're never trying to help, Dad.

That's the point.

When I got in trouble, what did you say to me? "Oh, don't be an idiot."

My advice to you was don't do stupid things in public,

- especially with the children. - Oh, same thing!

Which is good advice.

And you and Sasha wouldn't be where you were

if you'd only listened to me.

- [door opens] - Oh, my God.

Ma'am, the party's outside. Okay?

Are you the Machine?

Oh, shit.

Yeah, I am. And I can do a picture in a second.

I'm kind of having a private moment with my father, okay?

I'm here for the pocket watch

stolen on a train in Russia 23 years ago

by you.

Okay.

I'm having a shitshow day.

So if this is some sort of TikTok prank, I'm about to lose my fucking shit.

[laughs]

It's definitely a prank. Clearly, that's a fake gun.

- [Bert yelps] - [whimpers] Or not!

- She's got a fucking gun, Dad! - Yeah, I'm clear on that now.

- Sit down! - Yes, ma'am.

- [ominous music playing] - My name is Irina Ivanona Volgina.

And I suggest you start remembering.

It was 20 years ago. I barely remember that trip.

I don't have a watch, and it's definitely not here.

Then you're coming with me back to Russia to find it.

Russia? [yells]

- [grunts] - Look at your daughter.

So innocent.

So pure.

So vulnerable.

Do you see that man?

[Bert] DJ Chemo?

He will follow her on her trip.

If you do not find my watch,

he kills her.

If you try to run, he kills her.

You say a word about this to anyone...

he kills her.

Okay. Okay.

I'll do whatever you want. Just let my daughter go.

Listen, I'll do whatever you want.

Just don't hurt my daughter. And let my father go, all right?

He wasn't supposed to be here. He wasn't even invited.

- I'm going with you. - Dad, you're not going with me.

I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you failed to protect Sasha.

- Dad, stop! You're not going! - He goes!

If you need persuading in Russia,

he might be useful.

For torture.

The car is waiting.

We leave now.

Dad, put your fucking hands down.

Excuse me. Hey, Albert?

Hold, hold, hold, wait up.

Oh, my God. I haven't even seen you yet. I'm so sorry I haven't said hi.

- Hello. - Hello, dear.

- There are so many people here. - [Albert] Mm-hm.

Hi. Oh, who is this?

Uh... this is our, uh, Uber driver, uh, Sylvia.

Sylvia.

Hi. Your Uber driver?

Where are you going?

- Uh... - Um...

[LeeAnn] Oh, my God.

Yeah. I see what's going on.

You two are gonna follow Sasha to Big Bear.

- Yes, we are. - Exactly. Big Bear, yes.

Cool. Great. Well, you know what?

I'll just stay home, take care of everything,

and the two of you can just fuck off on your creepy, little, puritanical--

[ominous music continues]

I love you. I'm sorry. Kiss Tats for me.

Dad, let's go.

Where...?

Good work, Kreischers.

[Irina] This is my bodyguard, Sponge.

Sponge, like you absorb liquids?

Absorb bullets. [laughs]

[music turns dramatic]

[in Russian] Two? You said one.

Still think I made the story up?

[in Russian] You cannot bring both.

Too many questions!

[groans]

[in Russian] Oh, fuck!

Never tell me what I can do. Ever!

[man whimpers]

Move it.

[in English] They said Machine had ice in veins.

Could walk through the walls.

Drink more than any man.

I grew up hearing this myth.

You.

You're fat.

And you have tits.

Very disturbing.

That's body-shaming. And honestly, I expect more empathy out of a woman.

Such a disappointment.

Like opening peanuts and joke snake pop out.

Enjoy your flight, Machine.

It will probably be your last.

["Welcome to Russia" playing]

[yells]

[yells]

- [laughing] - [cheering]

All right. When we land, I'm gonna create a diversion.

What I want you to do is go to the embassy.

Dad.

Now, these people really know what they're doing around the grill.

How can you eat at a time like this?

Son, I'm a small-business owner from a "stand your ground" state.

This is like a Tuesday for me.

[Sponge] Machina, the myth.

Your turn, huh? [laughs]

No, no. I wish I could. I just got a crown replaced.

- Oh, Machina. - [Russians grumbling indistinctly]

But I have an uneven jaw, and it took them forever to...

- Hey, Bert. - What?

You want to know why people respect Kreischer Karpets?

Well, it's definitely not 'cause you spelled "carpets" with a K.

No, that's just good marketing.

It's because we install anywhere.

- We never show fear. - [dramatic music playing]

We face it.

So, Bert, don't show fear.

Wow.

You really shoehorned that message in.

All right, Sponge, I guess I got next.

- [Sponge laughs] - [Russians] Oh!

Machina,

all I have heard about you, and you have titty, huh?

You're such a large man.

[laughs]

[Bert laughs] You're so fucking big.

Let's hope this works.

I'm gonna show you what we in the States call "dad strength."

- [Sponge yells] - [Russians gasp]

[laughs]

[laughing hysterically]

Funny!

Now...

my turn, huh?

[tense music playing]

[Albert] Well, you showed fear.

Son, I think this trip to Russia could give you some... direction.

Look, I had this with me in Rome.

Saved me more than a few times.

You take care of it...

it will take care of you.

- Your pocketknife? - Mm-hm.

Ah, thanks, Dad.

We hope our sons grow up to be the men we wish we could be, Bert.

Maybe this trip can start you on that path.

And also...

if you lose that knife in Russia,

I will disown you.

Ah, funny story.

I did lose your knife in Russia.

Dad, I'm sorry.

I knew you'd let me down.

[thunder crashes]

You did?

[laughs]

[unsettling music playing]

Got your manhood!

Oh, you took my testicles!

[gasps]

[groans]

[woman speaking in Russian over PA]

- Hey there. - While you were out,

- your father and I got to know each other. - Wait.

Also, we watched Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid.

The ending? Wow.

Dad, that's our movie.

Bert, we have to find this watch.

You stole it. What'd you do with it?

Jesus Christ. It's the top five drunkest I've ever been in my life.

I'm usually drunk when I tell the story.

- [dramatic music playing] - Okay. Okay. Hold on, hold on.

Give me a sec. Let me think. Let me think. God. I'm not good with guns at my head.

[whimpers]

Fedor. What about Fedor?

He was the gangster on the train. Everything we stole, we gave to him.

Yeah, I talked to Fedor.

He doesn't remember the watch.

So I killed him.

Jesus Christ.

Igor.

Which Igor?

I know like 50 Igors.

Uh, Igor was the mobster that took care of our class.

He lived with us in the dorms.

Maybe he still lives in the dorms.

Fuck school. Let's party.

[Irina] Hm.

Then this is where we go.

Can't believe you watched Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Fuck.

[jet engines roar]

ST. PETERSBERG

Follow my lead. If we get a chance, we run.

[in Russian] Is there a problem?

[in Russian] Your documents indicate 11 passengers, but I count 12.

[in Russian] I told you so.

[dramatic music playing]

Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad.

Oh, my God. Oh!

He's going down. He's going down.

[in Russian] I count 11.

[Bert] Jeez Louise!

[dramatic music playing]

[Bert] Wait.

That's me. I'm the Machine.

Why am I on a billboard?

[Sponge] Da. You famous.

[chuckles] I'm hot folklore in the Soviet Union.

[in English] The Soviet Union is dead, you ignorant fuck!

We're Russia. We're strong.

[Sponge] We're here.

They turned it into condos.

Oh, hello there.

Ha!

[Bert] Hey, Dad, this isn't Orlando. Quit trying to work a threesome.

Put it back in your pants.

Well, that was rude.

Move.

Hey, here's where we took classes.

This is where I met Igor.

["Santeria" playing]

Wow. Twenty-three years ago.

I should've taken more pictures of my dick.

♪ I don't practice Santeria I ain't got no crystal ball ♪

♪ Well, I had a million dollars But I'd, I'd spend it all ♪

♪ If I could find that jaina And that sancho that she's found ♪

♪ Well, I'd pop a cap in sancho And I'd slap her down... ♪

THE DORMS

[woman] Okay, class, listen up.

Do not expect an easy course load.

It isn't a vacation.

Your goal is to culturally bond with the indigenous citizens.

This is Igor. He is a banditti. You will be taking courses...

I actually don't speak much Russian. What is "banditti"?

Oh, um, "banditti" is the Russian word for mobster.

This is a class trip. How come we've never met?

Oh, I don't go to class much. I'm Bert.

[Ashley] Oh, Ashley.

[woman] But Russia is a dangerous place.

Igor is our fixer.

He is only here for your protection.

He is very dangerous.

Oh!

- [students gasp] - [Bert chuckles]

[woman] You are not to talk to or hang out with him.

All I want to do is hang out with him.

[Albert] I never know what to believe about what you say happened back then.

You do have a very active imagination.

[chuckles] I imagine.

- That's my issue. - Well, one of them.

[Irina] My father and I have a similar relationship.

[Bert] What the fuck is this thing? Is it an iPad?

I got this, son.

I am an Eagle Scout.

[Irina] What is an Eagle Scout?

It's like if James Bond was a Mormon.

An Eagle Scout can get in anywhere.

You'd know that if you'd become an Eagle Scout.

But no... [yells]

[door chimes]

My fist is Eagle Scout.

I'll wait in the car.

[Irina] He has impulse-control issue.

Very sad.

[Bert] Yeah. Steroids will do that to you.

- [suspenseful music playing] - They really dressed this place up.

Still have the world's smallest elevator.

[telephone beeps]

[in Russian] Tell Vanya they are here.

[elevator chimes]

Holy shit.

There was a woman that sat right there.

She absolutely loved me.

Igor's room was all the way down to the right.

I took a shit on a pizza box right there.

Jesus, son.

Eh, it got mixed reviews.

Honestly, if I hadn't sprained that finger,

probably would've made it to the league.

But, you know, I wasn't about to lose a thumb war

to a 12-year-old, you know?

Here you go, dabushka.

Gifts from your American friend.

- [speaks in Russian] - Ah.

Gifts are a very important aspect of Russian life, Ash.

- Bet you didn't know that. - [Ashley] Mm.

Bet you didn't know your fly was down.

[clears throat]

[Irina] Why are you telling us this?

[Bert] Sorry.

Lot of memories being back here.

[rock music playing over speakers]

Whoa, you live right across from Igor and the banditti?

Do you ever hear, like, screams coming from their room?

No, not really.

[Bert] Look at them.

They're magnificent.

How do I talk to them? How do I say my name?

[lively music playing on video game]

I planned the perfect sentence.

[knocking on door]

But the second I was face-to-face with a real Russian gangster,

I panicked.

Ya machina.

Ya machina.

[Bert] "Muchina" means badass.

"Machina" means machine.

I said I was the Machine.

[Irina] You're an idiot.

Ya machina.

- [Bert] Luckily... - [laughing]

they thought it was hilarious.

On machina!

[rock music playing over speakers]

They introduced me to their world, and I introduced them to mine.

Vodka, lemon, two teaspoons of sugar.

- These are called lemon drops. - They're called lemon drops.

Okay, they're from Florida, and they're fucking delicious!

The Machine is powered by lemons!

[Bert] And the legend of the Machine was born.

[speaking in Russian and cheering]

All right, all right, all right.

This next one's a little thing I like to call Beavis and Butt-Head.

His head is a butt!

[Bert] They had no frame of reference for American culture.

[in British accent] Do I make you horny?

[Albert] Austin Powers? Really?

[Bert] Shut up, Dad.

So I stole from the best, and they thought it was me.

To them, I was just some crazy genius who could out-drink 'em all.

- I'm the Machine! - [cheering]

[hip hop music playing over speakers]

I call this the "Macarena."

Word spread fast.

And the legend of the Machine just kept growing.

["Unbelievable" playing]

[Irina] Everyone in Russia heard the stories.

You were folklore.

[Bert laughs] -I was good for Igor's business.

People paid him to party with me.

Wait! The stash hole!

Igor's room has a stash hole in it, in the wall.

And what does he keep in this hole?

Beanie Babies.

Come on. Drugs, money and porn. You're in the mob.

But maybe there's something in there that can tell us how to find him.

It's this one right here.

I hope so, for your daughter's sake.

Oi!

- That's feminism. You asked for it. - Fuck you! Pussy woman-boy!

Well, I see wokeness hasn't made its way to Russia.

[Russian folk music blaring over car speakers]

[ominous music playing]

[knocks on roof]

- The hole? - Yeah, right.

All right.

That wall used to go all the way down.

If I'm not mistaken...

[tapping on wall]

Ah!

Bingo.

[pensive music playing]

[Irina] No watch.

This is something way better.

One of Ash's pot brownies, Dad.

These things were gold back in the day.

Why would anyone keep 20-year-old marijuana brownies?

Ashley's pot brownies are the best thing I've ever tasted.

They're mad strong, though, so only eat a little.

- Don't fuck. - [laughing]

You're fucking with me, man.

Go fuck yourself.

Hey, how'd you become a banditti?

One day,

man told me,

"Igor, help me with this thing."

Thing was mafia.

'Cause if I get hungry, I get hangry, and everybody knows

marijuana goes bad after time. It's like the reverse of pickles.

So no Igor, no watch.

Just old money and pickle weed.

This is not good for you, Bert.

- [woman] Fuck you. - [tense music playing]

[Irina] Vanya.

It's not good for you either.

VANYA

[in Russian] What are you doing here?

[Vanya] He is Machina?

The man's man?

Nah.

He has, uh... breasts.

Your friend, Igor,

he took over the trains to Moscow.

And now I know where to find the watch.

[in English] How do you know Igor runs trains?

Because...

I am respected.

[scoffs]

I make it my job to know these things.

You?

You are foolish woman.

Playing pretend.

I do not play.

- [dog yelps] - Oh!

- [screams] - [thuds]

Holy cow!

[woman sobbing]

You're an insolent child, Vanya.

Now you come with me on train or you go out window.

- All right, let's go, Dad. Come on. - Yeah, let's go. Let's go.

See you around.

Put your hands down.

[tense music continues]

Well, this is wonderful.

We're about to be killed by gangsters.

And you're pocketing ancient pot brownies.

You say shit like that and you wonder why we haven't visited in three years.

- So now it's my fault? - Yeah.

I don't want to be around that shit, and neither do my kids.

Your kids are great. Don't bring them into this.

[Bert] Oh, I know they're great, Dad. They're my kids.

[Albert] You know, your problem is you live this life where you get rewarded

for indulging in your worst tendencies.

[intense music playing]

[yells]

[vertebrae snap]

Let's hope that was an adjustment.

Meet you downstairs.

[intense music continues]

Well, we should be safe in here.

[bullets thudding]

I got you, son!

No, I got you! I'm covering you!

- Everything's under control! - No!

[Bert] Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- Lift! - No! No, no! Close, close!

- [Albert] Close the door! - Shoot back, idiots!

[Vanya] I will present the boss with your head, Machina!

Dad.

I can't use that.

After I read Mandela's biography,

I made a vow of nonviolence.

[Vanya] You are dead!

Dead!

Fine. I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg.

[elevator chimes]

[dramatic music playing]

[music stops]

[wailing sirens approaching]

Let's go, dickheads!

[tense music playing]

[barking and growling]

Goddamn it. Let go.

No! I'm glad you're alive! Let go of me!

- [Albert] Get in the car, son. - I'm trying, Dad!

[dramatic music playing]

Sponge!

[in Russian] What happened to the fucking car?

[Bert] So bad. This is not going away.

We need to get on that train!

I'm gonna meet the devil.

I'm going to fucking hell.

- Oh, shit. - [Albert] I'm at my lake house.

- Goddamn it. - [Albert] The fish are jumping.

- I'm having mac and cheese for dinner. - Are you doing breathing exercises?

You can't do breathing exercises for murder, Dad.

I killed a man.

Well, technically, you killed several men.

Oh, God! You're not helping!

- [Irina in English] Hey. - What?

It happens.

I'm not gonna start smoking cigarettes.

No, it doesn't happen. A speeding ticket, that happens.

Shitting your pants at Best Buy, that happens.

My brother Vanya was an asshole.

Oh!

Brother? Like your real brother?

Like your mom and dad are the same mom and dad?

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

- I didn't know he was your brother. - Don't be.

There is a power struggle in the mob.

As oldest, I will inherit my father's empire,

but Vanya wants control.

Wanted control.

- He's dead. - Oh, my God.

I'm still getting used to it.

What the fuck is happening? Get me the fuck out of here.

Many others also want control.

They say I cannot run mob because I'm woman.

This isn't happening.

Boss.

[Irina and Sponge speaking in Russian]

Dad.

Give me some life advice, some words of wisdom.

Everybody's got to die sometime.

That's it?

That's your advice?

Well, what do you want me to say?

That vulnerability is scary and it's hard to open up?

Yeah, Dad. That would've been great.

[laughs] Son.

It was your mother that was the coddler, not me.

[tires screech]

[speaks in Russian]

[Bert] Jesus. We got it, Sasquatch.

[suspenseful music playing]

Igor. Igor.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Hey.

My brother would have shot me if he had a chance.

Thank you for making his death very fast.

Well, then, can I real quick call my daughter,

just to make sure she's okay?

Don't push it.

[music turns dramatic]

Now, this is the kind of Russian architecture I wanted to see.

We're not on a sightseeing tour, Dad.

[ominous music playing]

Hey, Irina, I think this is gonna be great.

We'll find Igor, we'll get your watch, and then you can let us go, right?

Holy cow.

This place hasn't changed a bit.

Oh. Right there.

That's where Igor introduced me to the train banditti.

I cannot go on your student trip to Moscow.

- What? - Yeah.

Different mafia runs train.

Igor, what am I supposed to do here?

What you always do.

[in Russian] This is Machine!

If you give Machine vodka, you have great time.

[in English] Come on, show them your character.

British horny man. Come on.

[in British accent] Do I make you horny, baby?

[all laughing]

- Do I make you randy? Yeah. - It's classic.

[Irina] You really like Austin Powers.

Yeah. It was really big in the late '90s. Give me a break, okay?

I get it.

I get why they liked you.

Wow, thanks, Dad.

Your toxic masculinity was lighthearted and progressive to them.

Yeah, well, your compliment sounds a little bit like a slam.

- Quiet, fucked-up father-son. - [Sponge] Boss.

[tense music playing]

This is the Moscow line.

If Igor runs trains, this is where he will be.

Be careful.

Train mob is very dangerous.

Don't worry. Igor's my boy.

If he's here, we're all set.

Yes, but he knows you.

They don't.

[Bert] They look like they're cosplaying American History X.

Let's go down further.

Less eyes.

[ominous music playing]

Hello.

[in Russian] You cannot park there.

[in Russian] Bring me to Igor.

Yes, sir.

[train horn blows]

[Bert] Doesn't that sound mean the train's departing?

- Get on! - Wait, what's the plan? What are we doing?

We stay on train till we find Igor.

Get the plane, meet me in Moscow with the rest of the men.

I cannot believe I'm doing this Moscow trip over again.

- [Irina] Move. - [Bert] Wow.

This train smells exactly like it did in '98.

THE TRAIN

[Young Bert groans] It smells like cabbage and grandmas.

So long, Saint Petersburg! Hello, Moscow!

Oh, sorry.

[chattering in Russian]

Why does everyone here look like they want to punch me in the face?

It's improper to smile in Russia, Bert.

You save it for the people you love.

Do you?

- Really? - What even is that?

So you want to stay up all night in the bar car or...?

I don't know how you can drink so much and never gain any weight.

I just have really great genes.

Do you maybe want to hang in my cabin instead?

[Bert] I did.

I definitely did.

["The Sign" playing]

Fucking idiot. Fuck.

Thanks, Dad, for the dull fucking knife.

♪ How could a person like me care for you? Why do I bother...? ♪

Ash. Hey.

♪ No I saw the sign... ♪

Yeah.

Fucking ow.

♪ Without understanding... ♪

Oh, jeez.

Way too much.

♪ I saw the sign ♪

Yeah.

♪ I saw the sign ♪

♪ And it opened up my eyes I saw the sign ♪

- Hey. - Hey, what are you doing?

Uh, not much.

I don't know. It's pretty crazy in there.

So you still want to hang out? It's cool if not.

You know, I'm a big fan of romantic buildup.

[Ashley] Oh, yeah?

[Bert] Yeah. Like, I don't even think Ross and Rachel should be together yet.

[Ashley] No way. Me neither.

- [Bert] Right? Save it for the millennium. - [Ashley] Yeah.

- I kind of think we should... - [Fedor] You.

[suspenseful music playing]

Hey.

You are one they call Machine?

Yeah, uh, that's me.

[Fedor] Hm.

[Bert] Fedor was the boss of the train banditti.

He smelled like nicotine patches

and looked at me the way Ted Bundy looked at coeds.

It was horrible.

Machine does not ride with the peasants. Come, come.

Uh, Ashley, I'm gonna go hang out with these scary dudes for a little bit,

and then I'll be right back, okay? I'll check back in.

FYI, I'm a good bed sharer.

Okay? Fun to cuddle with, no night farts...

[Albert] You left that girl, so you could hang out with a criminal?

[Irina] He's right. She was a sure thing.

[Bert] Yeah, well, I've never been good with sure things.

But Fedor took me to the bar car.

This place had booze, drugs, and here's the real gangster part.

[in Russian] This is the Machine.

[cheering]

[Bert] They knew who I was.

[in English] They like you, huh?

[Bert] I guarantee this is where we'll find Igor.

Wow.

I guess nobody parties in the bar car anymore.

[Irina] Hm. Especially Igor.

You know, 23-year-old me loved this place.

Now it looks like a truck-stop bathroom.

I think your therapist would call that "growth people notice."

Wait.

Did LeeAnn tell you I was in therapy?

[exhales]

Well...

when she called to invite me to the party,

she opened up about what you're going through.

After Sasha's arrest, we were both worried you'd...

well, you know, mess up again.

Motherfucker!

Does no one trust me?

Or am I the guy that's only gonna mess up again?

- You're making a scene. - A scene?

I pay my bills by making a scene!

I rip my shirt off and yell, "I'm the Machine!"

[man] Hey!

- [ominous music playing] - Who says, "I am Machine"?

You?

They say Machine can walk through walls.

Only a ghost can do that.

You...

you are not Machine.

You want to see the fucking Machine? They want to see the Machine.

- You're getting the fucking Machine. - Hey, where you going?

First up, I don't normally do this for free.

Secondly, you're dressed like dickheads.

Matching Nazi dickheads.

And third, you say it three times and he shows up.

It's a lot like Candyman.

You've already said it twice.

That's me.

That's me on this bottle of vodka that says "The Machine."

[Albert] What are you doing?

- Dad, sit down! - Ah!

[man in Russian] I think we need to call the boss.

[phone beeps, then line dialing]

- Igor. - Igor?

[man continues in Russian] This guy says he's the Machine.

Igor, it's your boy Bert.

You better have my watch, bitch. Finish it up.

He looks like the cartoon on the vodka bottle.

Only fatter. Yeah, with big titties.

Someone is with him. Volgovitch's daughter.

Go to VIP car.

[in English] Igor want to see you. He will come to the bar car soon.

But before that, it would be an honor to party with you...

Machine.

[Bert] Strasvutsia, bitches.

Let's do it.

[laughs]

[Igor] You do drink like Russian.

[speaks in Russian]

- Alcohol is the universal language. - [Igor in English] Yes.

We're all drunk on the inside.

So when do we meet the real Machine, huh?

All right, listen up.

♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪

♪ Come on ♪

- ♪ The nookie ♪ - ♪ Come on ♪

♪ So you can take that cookie ♪

♪ And stick it up your asshole Stick it up your asshole ♪

♪ Stick it up your asshole... ♪

Hey! Hey, excuse me!

Yo, teach. Hey, check it out.

I'm culturally bonding with the indigenous citizens.

Get your ass back to your cabin now!

♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ The nookie ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ So you can take that cookie... ♪

[yelling mockingly]

Fuck that bitch!

This is...

[all] Russia!

[Bert] Dad, you said I had to go to Russia to find myself.

Well, I did.

- I'm king of the world! - [Russians cheering]

[Bert] That's how I felt.

I was king of the world.

[Irina] Titanic?

[Bert] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was stealing wholesale from A-list movies,

but it worked.

Let me tell you something.

Entertaining criminals and sex workers was amazing.

Maybe that's why I do so well in Florida, huh?

[laughing]

They don't even get it.

Tell us more stories, Machine.

The bar car was a blast.

But it's also where shit got real.

Uh, what do you want, Fedor?

[speaks in Russian]

Bread. Okay, cool. Wait.

- I knew you said "bread." - [in English] Yes.

I'm picking up the language. Give me another one, come on.

[speaks in Russian]

Cheese.

I'm basically fluent.

[speaks in Russian]

Uh... money. Got it.

Cool. Um...

Oh, no, are we robbing this guy?

Yeah, I don't...

I don't really want to rob anyone.

[Igor in English] Yes, you do.

[tense music playing]

Do it. Pussy.

First him, then train.

So that's what we did.

- We robbed the train. - [man] Yeah.

["The Fear" playing]

[Bert] I was terrified.

They were practically giddy.

♪ This is our "Music from A Bachelor's Den"... ♪

[Igor] Let's go.

[Bert] Fedor kept feeding me booze.

Now you drink vodka.

[speaks in Russian]

[in English] Let's go. Drink.

That's it.

[Bert] I was completely out of control.

I mean, the rush of it. Turned into a thrill.

This is my room.

I was robbing the train with the Russian mafia.

And I wasn't dying.

[Young Bert] That's all my-- That's all my stuff.

Wait, wait, wait. You're actually taking my stuff?

Oh, no, no, no, no. That's my dad's, uh, knife.

You can't take that.

No, no, no.

You can take the other stuff. But the knife?

- That's my dad's. - [Igor] Really?

No go.

I can't take, huh?

I'm sorry, Dad.

I let him steal it.

[Young Bert] It's all yours.

[laughing]

Machine.

Wow.

I would've cut out his heart

and make him watch it stop beating with his last breath.

I guess we're just built different.

The watch.

[Bert] Once I got really drunk...

I robbed my class.

I robbed my whole class.

[Ashley] What the hell? Get out.

Fuck that bitch. This is Russia.

Ash.

I'm...

Whoa! Woman hit man?

That is new. [laughs]

I felt like a complete and total piece of shit.

Give it. Fast, fast. Give me ring.

Let's go. [speaks in Russian]

- Okay? - That's it.

- Good boy. - Okay.

[poignant music playing]

I'll get it back.

I promise.

I'm sorry, Ash.

Yeah, fuck you.

Machine is the man.

Hey. Machine. Igor need us in front of train.

You wait here. We come back with him.

Machine!

[in Russian] Enough of this pussy shit!

Do you talk about that part with...?

With Ashley when you do your show?

Obviously not, Dad.

But I think about it sometimes.

I think I liked that story better when I thought it was a lie.

And then what? Story of you being stupid idiot asshole is sad,

but you need to remember my watch.

[pensive music playing]

[Igor laughing and speaking in Russian]

Oh! [laughs]

I remember.

There was one last private cabin.

[ominous music playing]

[in Russian] Please don't. It's a family heirloom.

[in Russian] Fuck your heirloom.

[in English] Do it.

Sorry.

[pensive classical music playing]

That was the watch.

My father was no criminal.

He was a salesman.

And then you stole the only thing he ever cared about.

He called police, but no one would help him.

It made him say, "Fuck honest living!

If you want respect, you have to take it."

And from there, he built our family.

Oh, my God.

I'm your origin story.

Most people see themselves as Batman...

not the guy who killed Batman's parents.

What did you do with the watch after that?

We went back to the bar car.

Fedor went through all the stuff that we stole.

[dramatic music playing]

- Ugh... - [watch playing pensive classical music]

I hate this song.

Listen, in Russia,

we always give gifts to a new friend.

Take, Machine.

He gave you the watch?

- Where is it, Bert? I need to know. - [Bert] I don't know.

[man] Machine.

Igor is here.

Igor, I present to you the Machine.

[tense music playing]

[Igor speaks in Russian]

Your friend has aged even worse than you.

[in English] My men say:

"Come to meet famous Machine from a vodka bottle."

I say, "Why not?

You can take selfie."

But you're not famous.

You have tits.

Yeah, we've established that.

I don't know this guy. This isn't Igor.

Who are you?

I knew old Igor. My name is also Igor.

I took train from him, make him disappear.

My train now.

Wait, Igor's dead?

Yeah.

- And you're gonna die also. - [Irina] Enough.

I'm Irina Ivanona Volgina.

You know who my father is.

These two dipshits belong to me.

Now go, if you want to live to see your children again.

Stupid bitch.

You think I didn't ask for permission?

Permission?

[Albert growls]

All right!

Listen up.

- Never show fear, right? - Yeah.

Now, look.

[Bert] Wait, that's the knife you gave me.

No. I gave you one just like it.

I knew you couldn't be trusted with the original.

- I'm not an idiot. - Oh, my God.

You heard me pining about that knife.

You knew I felt guilty for losing it for like 25 years!

That's enough.

[Bert] Dad, stab this bald fucker.

I'm sorry, son.

- But... - [Bert] I can't breathe.

...I swore I would never use a weapon for violence.

[in Russian] Hello.

[dramatic music playing]

[Bert] Whoa!

Oh, my God.

She cut his throat, Dad.

Oh, no, don't touch it. It's bad.

Oh, why is he touching it?

Oh, no. Why are you smiling?

Stop. Stop right there. Stop.

What am I supposed to do, Dad? What am I supposed to do?

Hit him, son.

[screams]

Oh, my God, Dad, I'm inside him!

- Oh, my God! [screaming] - [Igor grunting]

Let go of my arm! I'll try to get it out!

He's so warm!

No, no, no, no, no! God!

God! Help me let go!

God! You're, like, fisting his neck.

Help me!

Son of a bitch! God!

It's like a pickle jar. Just let go of the pickle.

Damn it, Dad. It's nothing like a pickle jar!

Oh, shit!

- Incoming! - [crossing alarm ringing]

Pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull!

[both screaming]

Oh, my God!

Get it off! Get it off me!

Get it off me!

No, not that way! The other way!

[yells]

Hey, were you saying "pull" or "pole"?

Does it really fucking matter, Dad?!

Why did he say he had permission to kill us?

I know where we can find out.

[laughing and chattering]

Uh, hello. Can I have your attention, please?

We're here looking for whoever sent that large, bald man

to kill me and my son.

[Bert] Dad. Hey, Dad.

Dad.

Maybe ease up on the Russian mafia, okay?

[dramatic music playing]

- [Irina] Alexei. - Hm. It is so nice to see you, sister.

ALEXEI

- You have another brother? - [Irina] Mm.

[Alexei] Da. Three of us. Now two.

But thank you for killing him.

He was pain in ass.

And very stupid.

You have the meanest family of all time.

Kind of you to say, Machine.

I can't agree with your methods or your business model,

but it warms my heart to see a son

willing to take on his father's legacy.

Albert, Machine's father.

[laughs]

Oh, sister.

I intend to bring our father the watch Machine stole.

It is over.

Give me Machine.

Machine leads me to watch.

I win.

All right. You win.

You get the watch.

It is here?

Oh, yeah. It is here.

In this room.

We don't have it. We came to collect it.

From him.

Keyser Söze.

Keyser Söze?

Yeah, he has it. Go ahead, give it to him.

[man speaks in Russian] Who the fuck is Keyser Soze?

- [speaks in Russian] - [Bert] Yep, it's his now.

- I'm out of the equation. - [suspenseful music playing]

- [speaks in Russian] - [Alexei speaks in Russian]

[dramatic music playing]

Where are we going?

You're gonna get us all killed!

Shut up and run.

There we go.

[Irina] Fuck!

[tense music playing]

Tsk, tsk, tsk. You make me chase you.

Not nice.

You think you're so cool.

Sister, do you really think you'd take over family?

Why?

I'm strong. I'm smart.

Please. You are a woman.

The world is changing.

Even for our family.

Father and I, we laugh about your delusions.

You and Father always underestimate me.

But you know what?

I deserve to be treated as an equal.

Agreed.

Huh.

[dramatic music playing]

- [Alexei] Hey. - Jesus.

I like this feminism thing.

And if you don't want me to kill your father next,

you will take me to the watch.

[Bert] All right. Stop, stop, stop, stop. I'm gonna do whatever you want.

Don't hurt my father, okay? Give me a second.

Dad. Dad, Dad, Dad. Listen to me. Listen to me.

We're gonna be fine. We're gonna be a team.

Dad, listen to me right now, okay?

Butch Cassidy and Sundance. End of the movie, Dad.

- Waterfall. We're gonna waterfall. - Enough.

This is for your own good.

[pensive classical music playing]

[screams] Dad!

My son is a moron. You were wasting your time.

I'll help find your watch.

But only if you promise to keep my granddaughter safe.

[ominous music playing]

[laughs]

You are a very good father.

[Sasha] A cop pulled us over.

Dad, there's a cop.

Officer, no, I don't have a driver's license.

My dad's in the backseat.

Dad, stop. Shit, Dad.

Dad, wake up.

[groans]

[groaning] Oh, God.

Oh, shit.

[groaning] Ow!

Son of a bitch.

Hello?

Fucking Dad.

I'm tired.

I'm sore. I'm hungry.

I'm hungry.

Thank you, Ash.

[crow cawing]

[pensive music swirling]

[rock music playing over headphones]

Wait.

Hey.

Is my daughter okay?

No.

[whimpers]

[Albert] My son is a moron.

[Young Bert] Hey, what's up, sleepyhead?

- What's this thing? - It's a mace.

The fuck are you doing here?

Oh, I'm not here. You're just really high.

I am really high.

God, I came to Russia to become a man.

All I became was an asshole criminal.

Yeah. You're gonna hang on to that for a while.

A lot of it, all the shit that happened on the train.

But, hey, that shirtless idiot thing?

[chuckles] It pays off bigtime.

- Really? - Oh, yeah.

- Yeah? - Oh, dude.

This trip to Russia sets you on a path.

You, my friend, are great at making people laugh.

Thanks, man.

Yeah.

- I am gonna be okay. - Yeah.

And then your wife's gonna put you in therapy.

Whoa.

- We're married? - Oh, yeah.

Is she hot?

- I mean, yeah. - Wait, what do you mean?

I mean, I think she's hot. I think she's hot. I mean, she's 50.

You married a 50-year-old?

Dude, what the fuck? I thought you said we were gonna be okay.

No, I forgot how dumb I am.

We married her when she was 30.

She was-- She still is a smoke show. She's hot as shit, okay?

- Okay. - Don't make me defend our wife.

[groans]

She's a great mom.

Whoa.

We got kids?

- Yeah. - Boys?

- Mm... - Ah, I knew we'd have boys.

I always wanted to have boys.

Look at us.

Both of us just figuring ourselves out.

Ah.

Well, I am.

You're still pretty lost.

I mean, you're literally lost in a forest.

High on a pot brownie.

'Cause your dad kicked you off a train.

Because he hates you.

Because you can't save your own daughter, who hates you.

Now your wife's gonna hate you. Your whole family pretty much hates you.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

I know this. I know this. Why are you doing this to me?

'Cause I'm trying to save you. You're about to get shot.

How so?

You're about to get shot.

Meaning what?

You're under fire.

- [bullets impacting] - [screaming]

[dramatic music playing]

Fuck! God!

Oh, my God!

Fuck.

[suspenseful music playing]

Bert?

Igor?

- Bert. - Igor!

- Machina! - Igor!

You look like a big bear. I mean, what?

- Oh! - [laughing]

- God. - My friend, you are here.

I can't believe you're alive. Oh, shit. It's good to see you.

[Igor laughing]

Do you have any snacks?

[Russian folk music playing on radio]

This is my home.

For years now.

- Nice. It's kind of like West Virginia. - Yeah. West Vagina.

Igor! Deuces.

[Bert] That's uncircumcised.

[Bert and Igor laughing]

- You almost hit that guy, Igor. - Yeah.

[honks horn]

It's a tradition here.

Ah, look at this.

This is it.

IGOR'S VILLAGE

- [Bert] This is your house? - [Igor] Yeah.

[children laughing]

Holy shit.

Oh! Wait, are these all your kids?

Yeah, this is most of my kids.

- Oh, my God. - [speaking in Russian]

Jesus, you know you can pull out, right?

[in English] Yes, but my dick is little bit longer, so I'm like:

- Oh, like a magician. - Magician!

- With the scarves! - Yeah.

- Hey. - I missed you.

[speaks in Russian]

...Machina!

Hey! Yeah!

- Oh, Machina! - Yeah!

[speaking in Russian]

Huh?

Igor.

Igor, Igor.

[Igor speaking in Russian]

[in English] My wife, she's a big fan of you, Machine.

- Oh! - Many in village are.

They listen to your podcast.

Why no new episodes?

[in Russian] Igor, have you killed the bear?

[in Russian] Not yet, but this is better! I find friend, Machine. Real one!

[in Russian] Blessed day for our village!

First you find Machine, Then I find whore!

- [in English] She find whore. - What?

[woman speaking in Russian]

- [villagers chattering] - [suspenseful music playing]

- Holy shit! Irina! You're alive! - [groans]

How the fuck are you still alive?

Goddamn it. Oh, my God!

[in English] Would you like to buy her for the fucking?

I don't know.

What do you think? How much?

More than you have.

I don't know, maybe--

Oh, my God! What happened to your leg?

Oh, that looks bad.

Here, tell me if you feel this.

- [screams] - Oh!

Igor! Help! I know this whore!

Let's get her in your house!

- Here. - Igor, do you have any hydrogen peroxide?

Uh... no, but we have many kind of animal spit.

- Okay, well, here you go. - Fuck! [screams]

Okay, you're fine. No, no, no. We're good.

- Fuck! - Just get me something to dress it with.

- I gotta get this boot off. - [Irina cries, then groans]

- Okay. Okay, here we go. - Okay. Wait, wait, be careful.

- [Bert] All right. - [Irina groans]

Oh, it's pretty bad. Okay. - [groaning]

[retches]

- Oh, is it bad? - It's not that bad.

- Is it that bad? Oh, fuck! - It's not that bad.

I just can't look at it. [vomits]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Fuck!

It's fine. It's fine.

Did you just put it in your pocket?

I didn't know where to put it.

Oh, I'm gonna be sick now. Oh, fuck!

Don't you throw up. If you throw up, I'm gonna throw up.

Don't throw up. Don't throw up. Please don't throw up.

- I won't throw up. You don't throw up. - I won't throw up, if you don't throw up.

- I'll trust you. Okay. - Deal.

Oh, God. Okay.

- Just do something about it! - I don't think I can do this.

Give me a pep talk.

- Just pull it out. You can do it. - Okay.

- I can do it? - You can do it. Just pull it out. Okay?

- One, two... - Three, two...

No, wait. No, wait.

- Three! Two! One! - Three! Two! One!

[both yelling]

I did it! I did it!

You're not gonna...

[Bert, Igor, Irina, Sonia laughing]

So anyway, I shoot the dude,

he shoots another dude, dude shoots another dude.

Three dudes, one-- Four-- Three-- Three bullets.

It was top ten all-time kills for me. Hell, yeah!

Yeah. Oh, is this...?

- Are we high-fiving a murder? - Yeah.

Hey, where is your father now?

Who the fuck knows?

Let me tell you something. If he is alive, I'm fucking killing him.

[Igor laughs]

Hey, Igor, what brought you here?

Hey, thanks to you, Bert.

- Me? - Yeah.

What?

When I saw how you find joy in every moment,

it make me think, "Mafia is dangerous."

Not easy life.

And one day, as I strangle man for not paying me for...

ah, whatever,

- I remembered something you say. - What?

You told me most important thing in life,

it is to find your smile.

- Oh! - Eh?

- Ho, ho, ho. Igor. - Huh?

I stole that from City Slickers.

Billy Crystal? 1980s? Cowboys? Nothing?

His whole deal is stealing shit.

Back then, Irina. Okay?

Hey, I just left. It was my choice.

My smile.

Mafia was not my smile.

This was. Children, family, Sonia.

In mafia, I would have died.

But I have this, thanks to you, Bert.

You saved my life.

Good for you, Igor.

Hey, at least I didn't ruin his life, right?

[Irina whispers] Bert?

[children laughing]

Bert?

Hey. Are you asleep?

Yeah.

What is this thing you did that made your daughter hate you?

All right.

So me and my big, fat friend Tom, we're doing a podcast,

and we get accidentally very fucked up.

- That's not so bad. - Wait for it.

So Sasha's 15, right? She's got her learner's permit.

I'm like, "Hey, come out to me.

Get my car, drive me home." Right? Bam, bam.

You asked your teenage daughter to drive you home drunk?

It gets worse, okay?

She rolls a stop sign.

Cop pulls her over.

Turns out, having a parent in the car doesn't count if the parent's trashed.

She can't get her license for two years. I got a misdemeanor. It was awful.

Well, if that's everything, that's not so bad.

I wish that was the worst thing my father ever did to me.

It almost sounds nice.

Four minutes before I passed out, I started a livestream.

And I livestreamed the entire event.

It immediately went viral.

Next weekend was Father's Day.

[poignant music playing]

She was so mad.

Oh, God, she didn't talk to me for a month.

It was a wake-up call.

[sniffles, then sobs]

I've been this party guy for so long, I don't even know who I am anymore.

[music turns hopeful]

Then maybe you're not supposed to be only Bert.

Look what you did for Igor.

Your stupid drunk talk, it saved his life.

I don't follow.

We do not grow by destroying part of ourselves.

We grow by finding a balance between parts.

Balance like Steve Urkel.

Did you just say "Urkel"?

It's a reference to one of my favorite American television shows.

Family Matters.

You know it?

Yeah. Wait. But wait. What the fuck's Urkel got to do with this?

Oh!

In season five, Steve Urkel takes this potion

that transforms him into Stefan Urquelle, like, this cool version of him.

Everyone starts hating him, but what does he do?

He doesn't surrender.

He improves his formula,

and in the end, he gets best of both worlds.

You are the Machine and Bert.

You have both sides.

But now you need to balance.

I get it.

Goddamn it.

Can't believe I slept on Family Matters.

Oh, you should definitely watch it. It's very good.

"Did I do that?"

[gasps] He watched it.

When communists came, politburo burned down the church

and build this factory.

When the communists leave, factory closed.

When I came to the village, I helped them build this.

- [Bert] You built this? - [Igor] No, no. Inside.

I took you here because building this place,

feeling closer to God,

taught me how to forgive myself.

You know, for all the bad things that I did, murders,

all those years ago.

Why do you think I hooked you up with the train banditti?

I don't know. To show them a good time?

Da. And?

To keep your class safe.

Train banditti are very dangerous.

They do terrible things to the passengers.

I introduced them to Machine to distract them,

by doing what he always does.

Yeah. I robbed a lot of people, Igor.

So?

Was anyone hurt, killed?

You spit in a girl's face. You were an asshole.

- But your class, they were safe - [auspicious music playing]

because you did exactly what you're supposed to do,

by showing them good time, making them laugh.

You protected those people.

That is what a man does.

Goddamn it.

[Irina] Seems you're a good man, Bert.

- Thanks, Irina. - [pensive classical music playing]

[Igor] It's time to feed kids.

Holy shit! That's the watch! Oh!

My father's watch.

[dramatic music playing]

[speaks in Russian]

How do you have that?

You gave it to me when you left Russia.

You said it was thank you for being a true friend.

You were very, very drunk.

I was embarrassed taking it,

but the words were nice, so I just took it.

Sweet, drunk words.

God, yes.

Let's go, Bert.

I have an empire to claim.

I would pay to listen to her talk during sex.

I would pay to have sex with her.

[Bert] Sorry about your bathroom.

Thank you for taming the whore.

No, thank you.

I'll cherish these.

The fuck am I supposed to do with a chicken?

Hey, Bert. I need to come clean.

After train, I talked to Fedor, and...

he gave me what you stole from class.

Then everyone go back to U.S.A., so I kept it to remember.

- [Bert] Hold on. No way. - [Igor] Yeah.

Dude.

Hey, take it.

And go to Moscow and save your father.

If he's still alive. He may have been tortured to death.

I think she's autistic.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, man. Thank you for everything, man.

- No, no, no. - No?

You've been a good-luck charm to me.

- My life changed the day I met you. - Hey.

- Bert, thank you. - No, thank you.

- No, thank you. - No, thank you.

[both yell]

- God. I'll miss you, brother. - ["Hey Man Nice Shot" playing]

[Irina] I'm gonna miss these disgusting poor people.

So you just think it and say it? You don't stop it at all, right?

Yes, basically.

- Never met someone like myself before. - Yeah.

♪ Hey, man ♪

MOSCOW

♪ Nice gun ♪

♪ Hey, man ♪

♪ Have fun ♪

♪ Hey, man ♪

♪ Have fun ♪

♪ Nice shot, man ♪

- [song fades] - [people laughing and chattering]

[Albert] So I keep having this recurring dream

where Dolly Parton throws me her pick,

calls me on-stage and wants me to jam with her.

I'm freaking shredding,

but my fingers turn into spiders and my teeth fall out.

Pretty sure it's my heart medication having a reaction with my sleeping pill.

But, hey, it's better than doing acid,

and kind of the highlight of my day at this point.

- It's sad but true. - What the fuck is going on in here?

Oh, hi, son.

[Bert] You two are buds now?

Dad, why are you talking all fast like you're on speed or something?

'Cause I'm on speed. And it is so, so, so, so great.

Oh! More drugs.

Ooh. [snorts]

Ooh! Oh. [laughs]

Look at me.

I'm Molly Parton!

[Albert and Russian laughing]

You see what I did there?

[ominous music playing]

Irina. You're alive.

- Super. - Yes, asshole, I am alive.

I brought the Machine, and I even have the watch.

So suck my dick.

- Thanks. - Fuck you, Sponge!

No, fuck you.

He pay me.

You hit me.

[Irina] I should have left you in that gulag,

with those doctors poking and prodding you.

I would string you up by your balls.

[playing pensive classical music]

[ominous music playing]

Machine.

I must say,

your dad is so fun.

He is the original Machine.

[Albert] I'm the prototype.

He has been partying with us.

Now, your mom was more of a kind of missionary kind of gal,

but Annika... Oh, ho!

- She's got the cushion for the Pushkin. - [Russians laughing]

Oh, Dad, please stop.

See, your dad has spent so long looking after you,

he never got a chance to have fun on his own.

Oh, ho!

What a load of horseshit that is.

Those Dolly Parton tickets he was just bragging about? Front row?

Who do you think bought them for him?

And to think I thought I was finally understanding you.

I found your fucking knife. Yeah, you want this piece of shit?

When he kicked me off the train,

I thought, "Maybe he's trying to keep me safe,

protect me or has a plan."

But no plan. No fucking plan.

You're just a big old dick!

I may have let you down in this world. You've pointed that out a lot.

But you know what, Dad? You have let me down.

Just like I let Sasha down.

I can't believe I thought you were here to take care of me.

Dad, take a fucking look around.

You let me down!

Son.

I will always take care of you.

[laughs]

[Alexei] What?

You people threatened my granddaughter,

you kidnapped my son,

and made me do a lot of amazing drugs.

And this is how we say thank you in Florida.

[Alexei grunts]

[intense music playing]

Holy shit!

[women scream]

Motherfucking Eagle Scout.

Oh, fuck!

You have amazing tits! - ["Take Me Home Country Roads" playing]

- [gunshots] - [Bert] Oh, shit!

I got the doors!

God!

[intense music playing]

[all clamoring]

I thought you were nonviolent.

I am! But I also love my son!

I knew you'd survive falling off that train

because of your big old boobies and protective layers of fat.

Oh, my God, you're so high right now.

I am so high. I am so high!

Idiots, stop talking and run. I'll find the watch.

Come on, come on, come on.

Shit. Let's go, Keith Richards.

Dad, come on! Stop lollygagging!

[dramatic Russian music playing over speakers]

God. All right. Have a great night, everybody.

Ooh, you're dropping your money.

Don't drink and drive. Grab a T-shirt on your way out.

All right, have a good one. Oh, here we go. The last ones out.

Sorry for the gunfire, everybody. Have a great night.

Take care. Thank you very much.

All right, Dad. We're good.

Now, listen, I need you to use this drug energy for good.

All right? Like Charlie Sheen did.

Oh, shit. Dad, get down.

[both grunting]

- Bert. - Shh!

- I lied. - Stop talking.

Come on, let's go.

[Albert] Look at me. I think I failed you as a dad.

- Dad, be quiet. - I can't.

I'm feeling so many feelings, and I need to tell you about them.

Bert?

- Bert? - What?

I need to say this.

Instead of accepting you, I criticized you.

But it was only because I wanted to keep you safe.

Why have you never told me this?

I don't know. It's...

Vulnerability is scary, and opening up is hard.

- What drugs did they give you? - Well, well, it was...

Okay, come on. Let's go. Let's go.

One was yellow, but I don't know what it was.

[suspenseful music playing]

- Bert. - Dad, shut the fuck up.

This is important.

- All dads mess up, Bert. - [tender music playing]

But the good ones, we--

We try to do better.

I guess sometimes it just...

takes us a while.

You're my boy, Bert.

Don't ever forget that.

You'll always...

be my boy.

This is nice, Dad.

You should do drugs more often. Look at us.

We're finally working through our shit.

- [machinegun firing] - [Bert and Albert screaming]

Dad, let's go!

Goddamn!

I just wish it had happened before we were about to die!

No, we're not gonna die.

Here.

You have always succeeded by being exactly you.

Now, take off that shirt

and show those SOBs who you really are.

Hey!

[dramatic music playing]

[speaking in Russian]

[in English] Fuck.

[dramatic music continues]

THE MACHINE

Now you gotta party with me.

Who the fuck are you?

He's the motherfucking Machine!

[all laughing]

[guns cocking]

Oh, shit.

I'm bulletproof, baby! Yeah!

Come on! Yeah!

["More Human Than Human (Meet Bambi in the King's Harem Remix)" playing]

Suck my dick, Captain America.

Machina!

What are you gonna do with a stick? Come on.

♪ More human than human... ♪

I got your stick now.

Oh!

Not too bad.

Oh! [laughing]

- [speaks in Russian] - Dad, put your hands down.

Get down now! Come on!

God, I'm so strong!

[yells]

Here we go. Dad, Dad. Down, down.

Help me fuck up Lenin.

- Let's do it. - Come on!

[Bert yelling]

- Oh! - [Albert] Oh! [laughs]

Take that, communist!

Hey. Eagle Scout.

We have a rematch.

- Hammer, Dad. - Here.

♪ More human than human ♪

Oh, titty boy.

[Sponge laughs]

[Albert] I got you, son!

Dad! Dad!

Sorry, old man.

Absorb that, Sponge.

[laughs]

Oh, shit. Dad. Get off!

Are you okay? You okay?

I-- I saved you.

Yeah, you did.

[gunshot]

Oh, shit.

Come here! Come on, Dad, let's walk. Oh, shit. Shit. Let me see.

- [gun cocks] - You... are nothing...

but an ignorant, fat American who has no respect.

Our father earned our respect.

[pensive classical music playing]

Your father...

sells carpets.

I think I will make him watch you die, Machine.

My name's not Machine.

My name is Albert Charles Kreischer III,

son to Albert Charles Kreischer Jr.,

owner and operator of Kreischer Karpets,

the best goddamn carpets you can find in Southwest Florida!

Three convenient locations.

[Albert] Tell him, Dad!

And if I ever see your albino-looking ass again,

I'm gonna whip it quick as a bitch.

And last, but surely not least,

I'm gonna need that knife back. That's a family heirloom.

Hm.

- You want knife? - Oh, yeah.

[suspenseful music playing]

Oh, I wouldn't-- I wouldn't do it that way, though.

[Alexei grunts]

[Bert] Uh-oh.

I would have someone help you. Oh, God. It's--

Oh, my Jesus. That's how Steve Irwin died.

Oh, my God.

You work out every day? That's-- Looks like an everyday thing.

- Enough talk. - All right, yep.

[knuckles crack]

Oh. So now's when we bang, huh?

[speaks in Russian]

[dramatic music playing]

- [gasping] - [Alexei groans]

[groans]

- [grunting] - [shoulder pops]

[Bert] Okay, here we go.

[dramatic music playing]

So you can fight.

I went to Florida State.

All we know how to do is fight, fuck, and drink.

And I can't fuck worth shit.

Oh. I just got that crown.

Would you like to know why I hate you, Machine?

Oh, I'm dying to know.

All my life, men were measured against your stupid legend.

"The best."

"The man's man."

I say, fuck that!

So I worked to make myself better than you.

Stronger than you.

Look at you now, Machine.

You are nothing.

[Irina chuckles]

So dramatic, Alexei.

All these fucking speeches.

Irina.

Typical macho bullshit.

- Oh, Dad! - Whoa, whoa, my arm!

- Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. - Son...

you didn't show fear.

[vehicles approaching]

[dramatic music playing]

[guns cocking]

[man in Russian] Enough!

Is this how I raised you?

Your watch, Papa.

[playing pensive classical music]

I brought it here to return it to you.

So...

it's clear that I have won.

[laughs]

[in English] Oh, Irina. My beautiful daughter.

You want to take over?

You cannot even kill brother.

You become friends with idiot.

I would never give this to you.

Actually, can I step in for a second?

I think you guys should talk it out. Now, me and my dad...

- This is Russia. - Okay, okay.

We don't do your weak, America, lovey-huggy shit.

[speaks in Russian]

[in English] Hugs are for pussies.

Well, that explains a lot.

[tense music playing]

Alexei understands.

It is why he will run family.

You are weak.

A leader must be a wolf.

Kill or be killed.

If you do not like it,

take it up with God.

But you first.

[music intensifies]

[music crescendos]

Did I do that?

[whimpers] I am definitely watching Family Matters when we get home.

[dramatic music playing]

Look at that! Look at that! Look at that!

Irina, we can work together.

I am your brother.

Shut the fuck up!

Take him to our family dacha while I decide

which part of him to cut off for his insolence.

[speaks in Russian]

Fuck you, bitch. This is Russia.

- [Bert laughing] - Machine, I will kill you someday!

- I don't think so. - [Alexei] I will come for you!

- I don't know about that. - Machine!

- I can't hear you. - I will come for you!

Whoo! Go, me! Right?

That was awesome!

Thank you, Bert. You inspired me.

Wait, how?

When you said you're going to kill your dad at Igor's house.

- You said you were gonna kill me? - Well, yeah. You kicked me off a train.

Now go, before police shows up.

- And, Bert. - Yeah?

Your daughter is sweet.

My DJ friend tells me she's a good girl.

- Some drugs. But smoke, not snort. - Okay.

- Good girl. - Yeah.

[Irina speaks in Russian]

[in English] You're a good dad.

Keep it up.

Or else your daughter may kill you. [laughs]

[laughs nervously] Oh...

Thanks, Irina.

See you around, pussy boy.

[hopeful music playing]

[Sasha] Hey, deuces. Bye.

Bye, girl.

- Dad? - [Bert] Keep it, sir. Thank you.

- Dad, look. Mom said that... - Oh, my gosh!

- There she is! Come here! - What?

Oh, my God, I love you.

I am so sorry. You are a fantastic kid.

No, look. I'm really sorry. I was really mean at the party.

Look at us. We're apologizing.

I should be kidnapped to Russia once a year

- just to make this happen, right? - What?

Oh, there's the smile.

You did that smile when you were a little girl.

You're still my little girl.

Oh! And there's my woman.

Oh, well, well. It's nice to see you two back.

I hope you worked out your shit finally be--

[tender music playing]

[LeeAnn] Mmm.

Wow.

The fuck are you wearing?

- Oh, my God, what is that smell? - Okay, these are clothes.

I do not know what that smell is.

- Did you go to Vegas? - I did not go to Vegas.

- Where's your dad? - Dad's in Florida.

He's got a doctor buddy he plays golf with who doesn't ask any questions.

We could all use one of those, right, guys? Am I kidding?

- Dad! Hey! - Oh, there she is!

From the top rope!

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, I love you! My favorite daughter!

- Just kidding. I'm not kidding. - Hey.

I can't wait till you get kidnapped.

- What? - Guys, Dad's back!

Dad's back! It's old-school Dad!

[therapist] How was your week?

Oof. Complicated.

Dear Ashley, are you still hot? I'm not.

I don't expect you to forgive me,

but I wanted to keep my promise.

Gifts are an important aspect of Russian life.

So are apologies.

This is mine.

Last week, the subject of your father came up,

and I thought we could explore that.

[Bert] Jesus Christ, Dad. That Annika girl.

- Did you wear condoms? - Oh, oh, oh. Will you stop? Stop.

- I'm just saying. - I don't want to hear it again.

Please put that down the memory hole.

I can't, Dad.

Since when do you have such a razor-sharp memory?

What happened--

When you say things like, "Your mom is a missionary woman."

[Albert] Oh, no!

Nah, we're good.

You and your father?

Yeah. We're thick as thieves. Butch and Sundance.

- Really? - Yeah.

Well, if you don't mind, can I ask how that resolved itself?

You can ask, but I don't think you're gonna believe me.

Well, humor me.

Hm...

All right.

When I was 48 years old, I got involved with the Russian mafia.

Here's how it happened.

["Father of Mine" playing]

♪ Father of mine Tell me where have you been ♪

♪ You know I just closed my eyes My whole world disappeared ♪

♪ Father of mine Take me back to the day ♪

♪ Yeah, when I was still your golden boy Back before you went away ♪

♪ I remember blue skies Walking the block ♪

♪ I loved it when you held me high I loved to hear you talk ♪

♪ You would take me to the movies You would take me to the beach ♪

♪ You would take me to a place inside That is so hard to reach ♪

What's up, Florida?

It's your boy, Bert Kreischer.

The Machine.

I love three things:

- Having a great time... - [man] Yeah!

...making sure other people have a great time,

and quality carpets

- delivered at a reasonable price. - [man] Oh, yeah!

That's why, if you're looking for some acrylic,

wool, plush, saxony, or level loop...

None of that nylon shit.

...you need to find your way to a Kreischer Karpets.

It's my dad's business, and he's right here.

Say hi, Dad.

Hey, son. You can't say a swear on TV.

The best goddamn carpets in Southwest Florida.

That's Kreischer Karpets, spelled weirdly with a K.

Take it off, Dad.

Okay, fine.

Did we mention we have three convenient locations?

[pensive classical music playing]

[dramatic music playing]