Original subtitles

[zizokamal]

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starring tonight Patty Duke Carl Reiner

Virginia mayo John Carradine David Wain

and Cesar Romero

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leave

a most cordial welcome to a display of

canvases from what you might call the

mausoleum school of art subject a common

enough item utilized by teenagers and

tycoons the daily journal in which we

notate the happenings of our day-to-day

existence but in this instance a unique

periodical that doesn't record what was

but rather predicts what will be its

title the diary

it's our initial offering in the night

gallery

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and on this New Year's Eve we come to

our last item the Holly Schaeffer

portfolio of particularly unpalatable

people tonight's subject miss Carrie

Crane movie star emeritus if you're over

the age of 50 the name may tug at your

memory I was never a fan of miss cranes

fess pic talent or lack thereof and I'm

currently less than a fan of her

nocturnal antics said antics of this

somewhat faded and jaded relic of Mack

Sennett having to do with being picked

up last night for drunk and disorderly

conduct on the Sunset Strip this is a

picture of the event this was her third

adventure in as many weeks take a look

at the calendar Carrie darling

it's December of 1970 prohibition has

passed us by Hollywood is the funders

and the Honda's it's no longer Fairbanks

and Pickford and lesser lights like Miss

Carrie crane so stop acting miss crane

as if you were pushy aunjanue on the way

up because you aren't and you're not

you're an aging broad who makes a

spectacle of herself like the Wicked

Witch of the West and hot pants

elsewhere on this New Year's Eve he's

crying

I recognize you anyway miss shavers

apartment please Hey she's having a

party and I can't let anyone up without

her permission maybe yeah maybe one

exception bro times sake I just wonder

wish you're a happy new year all right

I'd like to accommodate you miss crane

but please it's important to me I'll

just stay a moment

[Applause]

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[Applause]

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well look who's here fresh from a

triumphant engagement at the West

Hollywood drunk Holly we adjourn this to

another room and deny our guests was

Peter such potentially heart-rending

melodrama over here all right miss grant

I superb business manager my Jeff a

lousy showman if you two girls will

excuse me in case there's any

bloodletting I'd just as soon have a

witness now my darling if it's not too

presumptuous of me to ask who did you

get up here uninvited the guard

downstairs was very kind he remembered

me oh how nice

well he's going to have an even better

reason to remember you after this every

Friday at the unemployment office now

about that package you're clutching

don't tell me let me guess

it's a pearl-handled revolver all primed

and loaded nothing quite so lethal I

regret to say that a peace offering

perhaps or a bribe a little something

intended to lever my foot from the back

of your neck I'll very much like you

Holly to look for motives in dark places

you give the worse so that's what you

expect from everyone

now comes the plaintive lament about her

lost man

the one I stole and what would you call

it

incredible to earth as long as you have

and not to know that a man is miss Dolan

he's relinquished as for the towheaded

bronco rider who occasionally squired

you about you're right he did sort of

gravitate my way then that is the way of

the world isn't it the rich get richer

and the old broads get older and after

him the heir apparent tell me mr. Harlan

is your ex-wife as philosophical as I'm

supposed to be

no as a matter of fact she's not if

either of you need a tuna kid I'll be

outside

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well in a life already notorious for

spectacular boo-boos you've hit an

all-time high

if you thought tonight's telecast or

something catch me tomorrow

well before you heave me out on my ear

Holly aren't you the least bit curious

to know what's in this package it's a

diary Holly I bought it in an obscure

little shop they sell funny little

things curios potions talisman all sorts

of peculiar little items I paid an

enormous sum of money for it words

cannot adequately describe my profound

emotion

goodnight grandmother

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[Applause]

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New Year's Day a bummer all the way

around can't shake that miserable

disquiet of a crane suicide

and how typically hambone to do it on

New Year's Eve can't make it in life to

do it in death but even so an ugly

little preface to what I hope is a

better New Year it's my handwriting but

I didn't write it

[Applause]

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jab

Hey

go back to sleep only the movement

erupting about I can't I couldn't what

about you to sleep at all good spits

mm-hmm it wasn't easy well it's morning

a new day explain it to me explain what

what you couldn't explain last night I

have never written in this diary Carrie

crane had no sooner left when the first

page was filled in in the minutes later

she walks in front of a car I don't want

to be held and I don't want to be

humored I want answers please don't look

at me if she can't decide whether the

flag the next elevator or booked me a

reservation in a rubber room a simple

answer to an impossible question how did

an entry in my handwriting appear in

this diary describing a suicide before

it even happened

she planted it in your mind something

she said the the way she acted that's

why you wrote it I didn't write it I

tell you I never touched that thing

Holly what other explanation is there I

guess you're right there's my girl

we'll just leave it at that and forget

it

agreed I'm gonna go put on some coffee

if your head is half as big as mine is

we're both red blanket cases I never did

like that broad anyway she was a

vindictive lush you know what she called

me a direct quote my dear she said I was

a malignant crossbreed between a vulture

and a hotel dick

now she's dead anyway so who cares Holly

yeah

you said only the first page was filled

in right that's right the second page is

filled in too

January 2nd didn't work last night

should have gone to the desert or up to

Arrowhead no Sun and one and no snow and

the other so just stayed home to top

everything off the phone was out of

order I didn't write that either

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oh I'll be with all my shaper you just

sit where you are Georgie Porgie the

last time you got into the act I wasn't

too crazy about the results miss crane a

night before last but she said she had

this present for you yeah terrible thing

Tara - the real beauty night time well

that day has long led the premises

Georgie so you just remember that the

next time you feel your heart melting

over some antique has been hmm I don't

care if they wheel in a gift wrap Rolls

Royce you keep him out of my digs you

read me Georgie

yes ma'am

Oh miss Schaefer I thought she was at

the television studio

I figured you'd beat the studio by now

getting ready to tape your show oh

there's plenty of time yet I've got

least an hour I want this thing burned

did you say burn burned incinerated

cremated and finish up later William how

much later miss Schaefer I was hoping to

get home a little early tonight alright

then just just leave it and do it

tomorrow are you all right busted it

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[Applause]

well you've listened to my bizarre

little tale what's your professional

assessment doctor do I have the

necessary requirements for interior of

duty on that couch over there you make

it sound like punishment miss Schaefer

well coming here wasn't my idea it was

Jeb's mr. Harlan's soft gentle friendly

persuasion it will get your head

examined lover you you say there have

been two notations predicting future

events and all these events came to pass

a suicide my phone being out of order

and missing tonight's show you canceled

your show miss Schaefer in order that I

might fit you in it was entirely your

own doing had you waited until tomorrow

gone ahead and done your program then

you would have foiled the prophecy is

this not true and the other things

you're gonna tell me that those were of

my own doing too it was you who dropped

the telephone if nothing else you must

admit that you've been a very

cooperative accomplish next you'll have

me convinced that I pushed Carrie crane

in front of that car well that's what

they'd like you to believe isn't it

suicides it's their parting gift an act

of punishment they'd like us to feel

responsible for their death it can be

sometimes in this case I'm inclined to

agree with you the explanation is

insufficient to our needs

that's wonderful doctor thirty-five

bucks an hour to find out something that

I knew before I came through that door

well I'm not without a theory there have

been cases like this mache fir they're

not covered by psychiatry however what

then it has to do with certain forms of

clairvoyance telepathy an area called

hyperesthesia let it make a great lounge

act in Vegas if instead of appearing in

your diary you would actually seen it

had visions of it I think we might call

it

paranormal precognition it's rare but

it's not unheard of in your case I think

what's happening is an altogether

subconscious compulsion to write these

visions down with no recollection

however of having done so that's the

weenie hmm

my subconscious is the culprit thank you

very much doctor the next time I have a

problem I'll take it to Popular

Mechanics your hour isn't up yet

that's okay keep the change

um you spoke earlier of the accusations

miss crane leveled at you wouldn't you

like to explore those in walks Sigmund

Freud did I hate my mother did I love my

father what's my position on women's lib

look I'll give you Holly Schaeffer in

one terse cogent paragraph I grew up in

a tenement building I had to scrounge

for what I got nobody gave me anything I

did take it and that included everything

and no guilts doctor no guilts at all I

see you see you seen nothing you think

you see the classic guilt neuroses the

lady is a predatory grabber lady can't

face it lady would like to hide it in

her subconscious lady sublimates it by

making kooky entries in a diary and has

no idea

January 3rd

a black day Jeb is gone a man I loved

wiped out for no good reason

I can't live with his death I can't live

with the knowledge that somehow in a

manner both mysterious and unfathomable

I was responsible this whole thing must

end I can endure no more of it the wrong

people are dying I may be able to

justify my sins but I can no longer

forgive them do you God after this how

do I live with myself in fact you should

be landing in San Francisco but allow me

sacred San Francisco business in fact

some of your investments I'm leave my

look I've gotta reach him I've got to

talk to him immediately I I don't see

how I don't even know what tell me stuff

that you see you left so suddenly there

was not even time to make reservations

I've gotta talk to him don't you

understand that well I'm sure you'll be

telephoning in tomorrow morning first

thing

yes of course he will look when he calls

you tell him to stay put not to leave

that hotel for anything you gotta tell

him that miss Schaefer if you could just

tell me what this is all about perhaps

I'll tell you what it's about you tell

him that if he doesn't anchor himself to

some real estate tomorrow he's gonna

wind up in the obituaries tell them

that's the way it is in the diary and

you've gotta tell him that you've caught

it down you've just gotta tell him that

somebody's gotta tell him you've gotta

tell him

you mustn't blame yourself you were

hysterical I couldn't control you I

thought perhaps if he were here so when

he phoned me last night

anxious to know our consultation had

gone I I expressed my concern to him he

was on his way to the San Francisco

Airport when it happened he was killed

instantly everything I touch turns to

graveyards everything he phoned me I was

the reason he was hurrying back not you

because of me doctor don't you see

because of me I'm 29 years old

and in all those years I've only loved

once Jeb just Jeb no one else

I think if he'd asked me pretty please

I'd have died for him

tell me doctor what have I got to show

for those 29 years a fancy high-rise

apartment catalog of victims and a

growing list of corpses that's a pretty

pathetic inventory wouldn't you say miss

Schaefer

maybe I'll retire televisions foremost

hatchet lady put my talent what did you

call it

precognition - more productive use the

ponies maybe Pimlico Hialeah Saratoga

Hollywood Park all I have to do is look

in the diary check the winners and make

my bets it's like having a copy of

tomorrow's newspaper how can I lose nine

horses nine winners

what is it there's nothing written in it

January 4 is a blank page miss Schaefer

throw that thing away get rid of it what

good would that do do you think for a

moment that I don't realize what this

means just because there's nothing

written on this page doesn't signify

that it bears no meaning last entry

January 3rd the wrong people are dying

dear God after this how do I live with

myself

can't you understand now why it's blank

last entry Holly gives it to Holly

you dig shrink next entry nothing the

page is blank because I won't be alive

to write in it not after tomorrow

nurse nurse I've got to see dr. mill

you've got to get him for me nurse do

you hear me nurse are you there can't

you hear me get me dr. bill I didn't

want to disturb you doctor but that has

been going on all evening now I'll look

in on it

yes miss Schaefer Schaefer never nobody

here but us historical figures me I'm

Napoleon's favorite mistress next door

we have Delilah who's planning the grand

opening of a men's barbershop down the

hall there's a lady who recites a lot

goes by the name of Sarah Bernhardt just

historical figures the nurse said you

were calling for me it's almost 12

o'clock in a few minutes it's gonna be

January 5th

I know well she wouldn't let me have it

you know why miss Schaefer coming here

was your idea you laid down the ground

rules no sheets no ropes no silverware

no plates nothing sharp no instruments

at all with which you might do yourself

bodily harm I know maybe I was wrong see

I just assumed when I read that last

entry in the diary but because the page

was blank I was automatically gonna do

myself in but I ruled out the prospect

of natural causes a heart attack a

massive cerebral hemorrhage an

unexpected error ism you're in perfect

physical health miss Schaefer you read

about it every day people with no past

medical history

all of a sudden dropping dead so don't

tell me it can't happen to me it can and

it will unless

but I can beat the rap I have a plan I

have it all figured out it's so simple

it's crazy I mean I don't know why I

didn't think of it before the page is

blank yes

don't you see I mean it's so obvious

it's ridiculous all I have to do is

write something on that blank page I

don't have to die I can write anything

anything at all if I write on the page

it means nothing happened to me don't

you see I mean how could I write

something about who's already dead

doctor in 10 minutes it's gonna be Drive

o'clock for god sakes please get me up

there I'll be right back

in the upper right-hand drawer you'll

find a pen would you give it to me

please

hey you're going to let her have it

you're new on this ward aren't you it's

pepper shift I thought so otherwise

you'd know we give her a pen every

evening every evening doctor yes miss

Schaefer has been a patient at the

sanitarium going on five years now yes

miss Schaefer I'm hurrying

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ah

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seven o'clock already I haven't realized

it was so late well this is the last one

if you do not mind I have this thing

about mirrors won't you sit down

this won't take long your name please

come dracula your address post-office

box 13 Bistritz transylvania this is

most generous of you your do I say

highness

your eminence will suffice your eminence

after all it isn't often that we get

people of your station in life

especially foreign visitors to our sunny

shores which is a shame because the

cause is you well know as her worthy one

oh I can think of none worthier you are

keep looking at our equipment there's

nothing to be afraid of you know afraid

me good well it's just that some people

are a trifle too squeamish on their

first visit young lady I am never

squeamish good because after all it is

only one pint oh but one pint will not

do I do better make it three three oh

your eminence that's most commendable of

you but I'm afraid it's impossible I can

see that this is the first time you've

given there appears to be a slight

misunderstanding your eminence

young lady this is a blood bank

certainly ah well then I wish to apply

for a loan

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our painting reminds us that there's a

strange fascination to digging holes

alongside ancient oaks you give the

average man a shovel and an X on a map

and the fantasies come thick and fast

pirate gold hidden Confederate treasure

and sometimes the unexpected and

sometimes the unwelcome hence the title

big surprise

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uh-oh there he is what do you think he

wants why don't you ask him are you

kidding I wouldn't go near him for a

million dollars it's anybody ever gone

there not unless they were crazy come

here I have something to tell you

he means you Chris does not know with a

blue jacket see he does mean you

so what come on

see what he wants you chicken shut up I

won't hurt you oh yeah well go on

chicken I am NOT go talk to him man come

on you're so brave running qjuj trying

to get out of it I'm not trying to get

out of anything then do it all right

[Music]

that's it that's it man come a little

closer

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you're not afraid of old mr. Hawkins are

you not afraid of anything

that's a lad what's your name Chris well

how would you like a big surprise

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you're Miller's field is your that great

big oak tree is over that tree face the

steeple of the church

you understand walk 10 paces dig down

poor feet understand walk 10 paces take

down four feet and there you'll find the

great big surprise

[Music]

really yeah there's nothing down there

why do you tell me the ones he's pulling

a prank ever why what could we do him he

wouldn't know if we dug the hole or not

he's always at home how do you know

because he's always there have you ever

seen a leave has anybody

it's a prank yeah well what if it isn't

alright then what is it well suppose is

funny down there

did you say there was full he wouldn't

say he just let you find it huh and

after you found it you'd go running back

and give it to him I suppose yeah would

like fun you would and he knows it

that's why there's no money down there

but if there is done what no really he's

old Annie maybe money don't mean nothing

to him anymore

maybe he's one of those crazy guys who

likes to give money to people cuz cuz it

makes him feel good well there's only

one way we can find out what are you

gonna dig with your hands I'll go borrow

some shovels for mill is mine you want

it we'd be wasting our time I'm gonna do

it

me too waste of time

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one two three four five six seven eight

nine ten

stupid

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you dig a while now you don't think you

don't share share what there's nothing

down there get out of the way then

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well how about you dig some more nothing

to do it all by myself you know

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it's four feet deep he's not yes

no it is I told you he was pulling a

prank

he's probably rolling on his floor right

now laughing like crazy thinking of us

and you out here digging this stupid

hole it's not four feet yet it is four

feet and I'm clearing out you do that

you're not gonna be able to share sure

what dirt

you coming

then you're not gonna get to share

either come on let's go to my house and

get something to eat don't come running

back to me after I find it what a jerk

you'll be sorry so long digger

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thinking about foot we have some Chris

no

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why should I

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surprise

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our final offering a study in depth of a

gentlemen from the academia seen here at

the lectern delivering a most scholarly

treatise this particular class I don't

think you'd want to cut the paintings

title professor Peabody's last lecture

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during the past term we have covered the

field of pagan religious cults taking in

such far ranging subjects as Kali

the Druids Thoth Andre Malik the

Dionysian mysteries obeah and the red

voodoo sect Satanism Moloch

Ifrit the East Indian Benji's and the

magna mater all of them viewed from the

perspective of an enlightened 20th

century how patently barbaric and if I

may say so childish childish that is in

the sense it's childish to believe that

Clark Kent in the guise of Superman can

leap over tall buildings in a single

bound

yes mr. block were they really so

childish sir superstition had a way of

explaining things things that otherwise

were to were bewildered

too frightening to face balderdash

superstition is and always has been a

bottleneck in the path of progress

primeval man was out making sacrifices

to non-existent gods when he should have

been directing his energies to

harnessing the elements no there was I

oh yes this should interest you mr.

block since it illustrates my point we

will this afternoon discuss what is

indisputably the most outlandish ly

preposterous of all the ancient cults

one which inexplicably took root about

well as recently as 50 years ago in

arkham massachusetts i refer to the

worship of a group of obscure gods known

as the great old ones you know as

incredibly bizarre as it may seem to us

now sitting here in our air-conditioned

classrooms no advance 30 of comparative

religion would be complete without a

brief examination of them if only for

the laughs well now I have here you will

observe a list of names these are these

so-called major gods how they arrived at

their pecking order as anybody's guess

perhaps they won their stripes and some

entered lúthien crap game okay

nyeh laughs attempt nyeh laughs attempt

the crawling chaos reputedly the first

deity worshipped in olden each IFFT boom

ha a towel the most ancient one whose

terrible powers have been feared by all

the world since Lamar arose from the sea

and the children of fire came to teach

the elder law to men he's rather like a

press agents hand out doesn't it

providing he was on the surgical time he

wrote it next we have pasta the

unspeakable sir yes mr. Dolan

perhaps I'm mistaken but I'd done a

little outside reading on the subject

and isn't the God you just mentioned

isn't it a punished world blasphemy to

speak his name aloud punishable by whom

mister Derleth having unwittingly

committed the fatal faux pas am I now to

expect a midnight visitation from some

tentacle monstrosity from beyond the

stars you sincerely hope not mr. Derleth

my wife and I have just installed new

carpeting yes now as I was saying before

mr. Derleth with commendable solicitude

chose to interrupt

we have great posture who I might point

out as a half-brother to Cthulhu

the next name on our prestigious list

norther the real a Cthulhu time I

pronounce that name I'm tempted to say

goes on tight

Cthulhu actually predates niala the tip

and listen to have been worshipped in

the primal brew by the first humans then

there's dear old as a tough

God of all things new growth

were wife to pastor oh sorry mr. Durrell

if I said that name again

must remember to tell my wife to set

places for two unexpected guests and

finally last but not least you're sort

of the lurker at the threshold

seems to be a summer storm coming up and

I trust you all brought your bumper

shirts as well I guess that disposes of

the gods means like an Albanian

vaudeville program doesn't it ladies and

gentlemen presenting for the first time

on any stage anywhere shub-niggurath and

her performing catalyst

yes mr. Lovecraft without whose esoteric

contributions no seminar would be

complete you you have a question sir yes

wasn't there a book a grand grimoire a

testament indeed there was mr. Lovecraft

indeed there was and through a

fortuitous circumstance I have in my

possession a copy of it sparing no

expense I bring to you direct from the

library of the Miskatonic University a

manuscript of that most infamous of all

cabbalistic treatises the Necronomicon

by Abdul Alhazred

translated from the Arabic into Greek by

Theodorus philetus 8950 from Greek to

Latin by olya Swami's ad 1228 black

letter Edition Germany circa 1400 what

we have here my dear students is the

equivalent of a paperback edition but we

must be grateful for small favors since

I'm given to understand that even this

is a scarce item owing to the fact that

unlike other volumes of demonology and

necromancy it was rigidly suppressed

down through the centuries which serves

to prove that not all fools around

buying essence this this overblown

gibberish and I have read it all is as

corruptive ly harmful as the Farmers

Almanac

I have selected a few representative

passages to read aloud view the text

itself more than any observations I

might offer should prove to you just how

imbecilic lis laughable this this entire

religion is mr. Lovecraft till you are

be starring yourself again

may I anticipate your question isn't it

yes it is mr. Lovecraft it is written

and in terribly terribly bad penmanship

I my dad all who behold this book will

fall heir to ghastly consequences

whereupon I can only say mr. Lovecraft

they're having injudiciously partaken of

the Blue Plate special this noon at the

campus cafeteria I can imagine no

consequences more ghastly than the

indigestion which is be deviling me at

the moment by this is unseasonable

weather we're having had I'm half

tempted to suspend class so that we can

all go out and it's no it's for the

strawberry crop no no no no my night

merely said half tempted

Terios never is it to be thought that

man is either oldest or last of the

masters of Earth know that the greater

part of substances walks alone the old

ones were the old ones are and the old

ones shall be

car and time of no dimension and to us

uncie

they wore fowl in lonely places whether

words have been smoking and the Wrights

howl through with their seasons which

are in the blood and differ from the

seasons of Matt the chipper with their

voices the earth mutters with their

consciousness they penned the forest

they raise up the waves they crush the

cities it not forest or ocean or cities

for hosts the hand that smites as a

founders shall they be known to the race

of man soon they shall rule again

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and now if there are no further

questions

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[Applause]

you