Original subtitles

[Music]

From 1929 to 1933, America had been ravaged by a merciless depression.

The public needed something to help lift morale and give courage.

One of the greatest morale builders was the creation of the superhero, Flash Gordon, Captain Marvel, Buck Rogers, Superman, and many others.

They possessed the goodness and moral fortitude which the country could admire in its time of need.

In today's troubled times, we, the producers, felt there existed a need for more entertaining humor,

realizing America's respect for things of the past.

We, in the spirit of burlesque and satire, have created a new folk hero, with the spirit of the old, but the outrageousness of the new.

The originators of the heroes of yesteryear and those who immortalized them on the silver screen and in comic strips played no part in the production of this motion picture.

But it could not have been made without them for their ideas and visions of other worlds have been our inspiration to those innovators and their fans throughout the world. We dedicate flesh Gordon.

Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. North and South America, and all our ships have seen us get a press flash.

Flash. Congress today has called an emergency session, but as yet no one has shown up.

And the president has refused to issue a statement having locked himself and the vice president in his bathroom early this morning.

However, the first lady urges all, and I quote, "See comfort in the Bible."

A bulletin just in. The world's top scientists are holding a conference in Washington, D.C.

awaiting a statement from Professor Gordon, world authority on animal behavior and renowned physicist.

(

Gentlemen, we are in big trouble.

Sexman is Peril's planet.

Extra read all about it.

Sexman is Peril's planet.

Get it now, read all about it.

Sexman is Peril's planet.

Hey, scram, you horny joics.

Gentlemen, as I have told you, we are in big trouble.

I think there is no need for me to describe to you the incredible chaos

our beloved planet has been plunged into

of the disgraceful acts which are being committed at this very moment

in every apartment, on every street corner, in the rooftops,

in grass, huts, in the jungle, in igloos, in the Arctic,

in airports, in markets, in movie houses, in the parks.

Yes, we are in big trouble.

Dr. Gordon, all of us here are aware of the total degradation that has overcome the masses.

But what are we going to do about it?

What is causing it?

Now I say it's a virus, and we must find a vaccine for it.

It is not a virus.

Any fool can see it's a case of mass hypnosis.

Hypnosis?

I've been researched and traced the cost of cans of bad

Passover tuna.

Oh, hey, tuna, do you hear me?

Tuna fish!

Tuna fish!

This guy's got mercury on his brain.

Oh, tuna fish.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

- Welcome, gentlemen, we must be calm.

Future generations are depending

on decisions made here today.

Now, I have discovered three things about this madness.

Number one, not all areas are affected.

Look around you, are any one of you

sexually aroused, for instance?

Any one of you, yes?

No, not all areas have been affected.

Number two, my son, who has been representing

the United States at the 10th International Ice Hockey

playoffs in Tibet, has discovered what

appears to be a great beam of light proceeding

from some far-off planet whose appearance is simultaneous

with the first occurrence yesterday.

Number three, I discovered my wife in bed with the garbage

man.

The garbage man.

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]

among the hosted smoots.

- What about your son?

Did he find anything else out?

- Yes, Professor, what are you holding back for?

What's the scoop?

- My son is at this very moment,

on his way back to this country,

and as soon as he has landed,

we shall all find out.

(plane engine roaring)

(somber music)

(eerie music)

[music]

♪♪♪

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

(upbeat music)

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

(upbeat music)

[MUSIC]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

♪ (dramatic music)

(wind blowing)

- Mabel Towers, Mabel Towers,

we're experiencing foul weather.

(indistinct chatter)

(speaking in foreign language)

- Ahh! - Sorry!

(chuckles)

- Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

- Well, that's all right.

It's your first life.

- My first drink.

It's a terrible storm.

Do you think we're going to make it?

- Don't worry.

These new Ford and Tri Motors

are the safest things in the sky.

(engine rumbling)

(thunder rumbling)

- My name is Dale Orto, what's yours?

- Flesh, Flesh Gordon.

- Oh, Professor Gordon's son?

- Why yes.

- Sir, look out! (screaming)

(sirens wailing)

[SIRENS]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Sir, I got a giant boner.

- What's that damn thing down? - I can't.

- I gotta keep this thing out of control. - I can't.

(crowd cheers)

- Rainbow Towers, Rainbow Towers.

You got 200 son of a bitches here.

Now we're signing off.

(crowd cheers)

(indistinct chatter)

(sirens blaring)

(screaming)

(all laughing)

(woman gasping)

- Dale, there's no way the controls.

The plane's going down.

- Go down, go down.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes?

(crowd chattering)

(crowd chattering)

- Jerry?

Oh, oh, let me go.

Jerry!

Oh!

(tense music)

- David, you have to bail out.

- Please!

(screaming)

Oh, my God! Aah!

Hold on!

Just hold on!

Oh, he can't hold me!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, there she is.

(Dorothy groaning)

- Dale, Dale, Dorothy, are you all right?

- You called me darling.

Oh, flesh, what's happening?

(Dorothy gasping)

- Can you walk?

I think so.

Here, put this on.

Look back.

Looks like some sort of building.

Come on, maybe we can get you a telephone there.

Stop!

- Not another step farther.

I know what you've come here for,

but you're not going to get it.

- Look, I don't know who you think we are,

but this girl's hurt and we gotta get to a telephone.

You see, we were flying along in this airplane from Tibet

when suddenly we were hit by the sex ray from outer space,

and an unrestrained sex origin suit,

which both of the pilots joined in.

When I noticed the plane was going down,

I took over the controls, but they broke off in my hand.

So you see, the young lady nearly overcome with sex madness

myself bailed out just before the plane crashed and we landed just over there.

Do you take me for a fool? Do you think I don't know you've come here to steal the

secret plans to my new interstellar hydro combustion miracle patented

microteffron nuclear gamma strato rocket ship plane missile? Which was 20 years in

the making and employs a new updraft design which lifts the ship on small

spirals of synthetic strontium pellets. Do you think I don't know that? Well, I've

never even heard of it, so you're barking up the wrong tree. Come here, young lady. I

would like to conduct a little experiment. You see, there is evidence that

exposure to the sex ray increases the size of the secondary...

Jerkoff! What? Flexi Jerkoff, I thought I recognized you. Why, why you must be flesh.

Professor Gordon's son.

I was wondering why you knew so much about the sex ray.

Come, let me show you the ship.

Gosh, but it is you.

Dale Ardore? This is Dr. Flexie Jerkoff.

How do you do?

So you see, I have actually discovered which planet the sex ray is coming from.

Unfortunately, the Stratoship was ready just in time.

No, you can't know what it was like out here all alone when the sex ray hit.

It was hell.

Unfortunately, the rocket was completed before that happened,

and the design was not influenced.

You look so funny.

(buzzer)

(dramatic music)

- Oh, the lightness is incredible.

- I was able to get most of the parts

from the Sears catalog.

- And you really think it'll make it

to the outer reaches of the solar system?

- It's got to.

It's the last hope humanity has.

- And, Flash, Dale, will you come with me?

- It will be a dangerous trip,

and I don't know what we're likely to encounter out there,

but someone has got to save the Earth

from the treacherous clutches of that evil gray.

- What do you think, Dale?

- And, Flash, let's do it.

- Sure, why not?

We'll give it a try.

- Wonderful!

The planet's orbit will bring it closest to the Earth

in approximately six minutes.

And there's much work to be done. Come, follow me.

Where do you want these, Doc?

Right over there, fresh storage bin C.

and see.

♪♪♪

♪ (dramatic music)

- What's this gizmo do, Doc?

- Don't touch that dial!

I had an assistant once who touched that dial.

Touched that dial.

Gee, Doc, you really got a lot of neat stuff.

Gonna take you a long time to put it all together?

Don't bother me now, Fles.

You're almost ready.

Get the door.

Which button, Doc?

That one.

♪ (ominous music)

(gunshot)

♪ (ominous music)

- Ignition?

(

- Ready, Dale?

- Alright, hang on.

We're taking off.

(gunshots)

Fire rocket one.

(gunshot)

(ominous music)

- By a rocket too.

(gunshots)

(gunshots)

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hang on now.

We're going through the morontosphere.

(suspenseful music)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

[Music]

Look, Dale.

The moon.

The earth.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Wow! I can see the Great Lakes.

There's Lake Ontario, Lake Michigan, Lake Superior.

What is it, Dale?

The next way, we're heading right for it. Change course quick.

It's jammed, Flash. I can't move it. Let me try.

Let me try!

(suspenseful music)

(screaming)

(sirens wailing)

(screaming)

(crying)

(audience laughing)

(people chattering)

(giggling)

Shh!

(gasping)

(men laughing)

[laughter]

(chattering)

- Another episode like that, and I'll be ready

for the old folks home.

Hey, Doc.

What sort of predators look like to you?

Definitely inhabited fresh.

No natural forest could have affected us

the way that sex ray did.

And look at those green areas over there.

Probably forest or jungle, I should think.

And those are desert areas over there.

This planet even has frigid polar regions,

not unlike those of Earth.

Let's have a closer look, shall we?

Hang on, we're going down.

Forgive me, your protuberance, but at this moment, an alien ship approaches porno.

Probably the Earth people.

Bring the ship down, but I want the Earthlings brought to me on harm. Understand?

Yes, your protuberance.

[music playing]

Not too close.

Look.

I suppose they're friendly.

We did it!

The Snorkelford-Gavin moderator's been hit.

I'll fix it.

Oh, no.

I can't control the ship, Fresh.

No.

Hold on, Jergof.

Do something, Fresh.

We're going to crash.

Oh, no.

It's going to happen.

Hurry, Fresh.

I'm hurrying, Jergof.

I'm hurrying.

Fingers.

I'm trying to.

Hurry, Fresh.

We're in big trouble, Fresh.

Hold on, Jergof.

Oh, Fresh, do something.

Hurry.

Hey, quick.

Give me a body, please.

Come here.

Here's one!

Save them!

You're gone! I think I fixed it!

Oh, God!

You're right. She's beginning to respond to the controls.

All right, now hang on.

Hold on, Dale.

I think the ship's falling apart!

Hold on, Dale.

I'm taking her down.

(screaming)

(screaming)

- Sure.

(screaming)

(gunshot)

♪ (ominous music)

(explosion)

♪ (ominous music)

- Dr. Jirkov!

Dr. Jirkov!

Are you all right?

- Oh, flesh!

I think so.

- Is the ship badly damaged flesh?

I don't know, let's go inside and have a look.

- Yes.

Oh dear...

Just a moment.

I think I have something here for...

Yes.

It was my mother's.

She was buried in it.

Good. There's oxygen on this planet.

This is the strangest place I've ever seen.

I wonder why they didn't say no welcoming committee.

They did! Look!

Quick into that cave!

Sis and disease!

And this is!

(gun fires)

[music]

I can hear him.

[music]

(men chanting)

You men search over there.

- They'll be coming back.

Let's go this way, maybe there's another way out.

♪ (ominous music)

It's so strange in here.

Flash, it almost looks alive.

What is it, Flash?

Not quite sure.

And what unusual formations and textures?

Why, this is like no rock known to science.

It's... it's not hard like a rock. It's...

( gasps )

( growling )

Great galaxy, Spooky!

What is it, Doc?

Some species of penisaurus, I should think.

(growling)

(screaming)

(crying)

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

This way, let me in.

- Check out the truck. - What?

You could use this joke on me.

No, you beast.

Get away from me. You stank.

All right, fish.

Turn aside, you.

(screaming)

(screaming)

Prison fruit!

Hold on giant!

The

again!

(screaming)

[screaming]

(growling)

- What was that?

- Yours people.

It came from down there.

- After them.

(growling)

There we are!

Hey, here, please, alive. Tie them up.

I got you some on the girl.

The flan giant's mine.

Leave the bearded one for me.

(dramatic music)

(gunshot)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

Your sickness, we have captured the Earth people

and await your command.

- The Earth people, hey.

Bring them to me at once.

Match the Earth people here!

His sickness will see them!

Stop shouting, you dildo!

(suspenseful music)

(upbeat music)

Why have you come to the planet porno?

To destroy the terrible sex raid

that has brought chaos to a beloved planet Earth.

I should think you'd be thanking me,

but no matter.

No power in the universe can ever hope to squelch

the infinite force of my sex being.

But why must you do this thing?

The Earth is a peaceful planet and poses no threat to you.

(Whinnying)

I'll tell you later.

But how did you get here?

The straddleship I constructed.

A scientist, eh?

I could use a brain like yours.

Gods, take him to the laboratory and show him what to do.

No! No! No!

Bring the earth woman closer.

No! No!

By the goddess Yoni, you are beautiful.

My eyes have never beheld such loveliness.

You shall be my bride.

No!

Oh, she is exquisite.

She is exquisite.

Keep your filthy yellow hands on her!

Shut up!

Sliding eyes!

Take him!

Take him!

Take him to the sex depleter and bring me his essence.

It shall add immeasurably to the pleasure of our wedding night.

Stop! The blonde giant shall not be depleted.

Amura, as queen of darkness and guardian of the sacred power pasties,

you have the privilege to spare him only if he survives the torture I ordain.

I sentence him to trial by ordeal.

So be it, then, Wang.

But if he survives, he's mine.

- To the arena with him! - No!

Oh!

No!

No!

No!

(growling)

(

(

(

)

(

(

)

(

(

)

(

)

(

)

(

(growling)

(suspenseful music)

(dramatic music)

(suspenseful music)

(Grunting)

(suspenseful music)

(suspenseful music)

(suspenseful music)

(suspenseful music)

(growling)

(growling)

- Do the depletor with him.

- He's mine, he's mine, he's mine.

He's mine, he's mine.

- After them, you ninnes.

[music]

[music]

[music]

(soft music)

(Music)

Now and forget forget all

We shall love and

my body

Will be linked forever

with yours

When you awake you shall be my king of darkness

darkness.

[MUSIC]

(soft music)

(soft music)

[Music]

(dramatic music)

(sniffing)

Oh, boy.

(sniffing)

(sniffing)

(sniffing)

(sniffing)

(gasping)

(gasps)

(sniffles)

♪ (whimsical music)

(sobbing)

(wind howls)

(giggles)

- You're protuberance.

We have spotted Queen Amor's ship over the forest kingdom.

Shoot them down and bring them to me.

But your assholiness.

The forest people and we are sworn enemies.

We could not survive a landing in this realm.

Are you afraid of a few vegetables?

I gave you my orders.

I will be obeyed.

Yes, Degenerate One.

Make ready for the ceremony.

Hoano shall have a new queen tonight!

(giggles)

Out of my way, Dildo!

(door opens)

(door opens)

(door closes)

- Guard, I need your help.

Here, hold that.

Yes, now hold that too,

And this also, please.

And just one more thing.

That's it.

Very good.

Put up your hands.

(dramatic music)

(coughing)

Come, please.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Give me the keys.

(grunting)

(suspenseful music)

(groaning)

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Come in me!

Damn! You never done giant!

Oh! Come!

Come!

Come!

We'll find this forever in darkness!

Oh!

(grunting)

[groaning]

(upbeat music)

(hissing)

(gro - exhale)

(mo - exhale)

(mo - exhale)

(mo - exhale)

(upbeat music)

(dramatic music)

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

(gun firing)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(engine rumbling)

(fire crackling)

(footsteps)

[footsteps]

[footsteps]

♪ (soft music)

♪ (all sing)

♪ W A M G M

Emperor Wang is the one for me, without him the planet porno

Would be ever so for Lorno

(Applause)

(

[ Mumbling ]

♪ Francis Newberry ♪

♪ (dramatic music)

- Tanya!

[music]

Jerkoff!

Fresh! I thought you were Amura.

This is all I could find to wear.

How'd you get away from Wang's palace?

When I discovered Wang's plan to destroy a motor's ship,

I overpowered the guard with a radium gas I developed in Wang's laboratory.

And, disguising myself as a pilot,

followed the bombership and swooped down to rescue you.

What about Dale?

Even at this very moment,

the ceremony which will render Dale and Wang man and wife

draws ever nearer its fateful conclusion.

It's no use flesh.

Alone we would be powerless to stop it.

Fresh look!

I have led an evil life,

and my thoughts have arisen from the seeds of darkness and greed.

Take these stones.

These are the source of my power,

and with them destroy Wang and his insidious schemes.

These, my power pasties,

are the only force that can stop the sex beam.

Once accomplished earthlings,

my spirit shall at last rest in peace.

She was a noble woman, Fresh.

Took a lot of guts.

She was a brave scout.

Come on, Doc, we haven't got much time to lose.

Wait a minute, Doc. I can't go like this. I feel silly.

Don't worry, Fresh. I think I've got something for you in the ship.

(SINGING)

(panting)

- Come on, jerk off.

We gotta stop Wang.

- All right, Fred. - Come on.

- Oh, please.

(panting)

Here they are!

That's right!

You may...

kiss the bride.

Come here, my little bottle cat.

Get away from me, you slimy snail!

That's all for this ransom affair, you turkey.

No, stop!

Don't let him go, Rwang!

Have you delos?

(upbeat music)

- Dammit, shoot!

- I'll take these jerks off.

(upbeat music)

- All right, Wang, where is she?

Where you going, David?

Don't help me if you've got a hand on her.

- You're too late, you fool.

She must spit her chin away, barely a breath, before love's first kiss.

I have been robbed of my beautiful virgin bride.

Shall I give it to her now, fresh?

Not now, Doc. He's been through enough.

If you find her, tell her I love her!

Stop fighting me foolish women, I'm trying to save me!

I'll...

I have robbed the earth girl.

Follow me.

Where are you taking me?

- Oh, no! Take me back! - Just let you... no! Come! Oh, no!

The Earth Girl.

We've been hoping you'd drop in ever since we heard of your opposition to Emperor Wang.

But perhaps I should explain.

I am Chief Nelly, commander of the vast and powerful Amazon Underground Apporno,

An organization solely devoted to the overthrow of Wang and his corrupt male-savviness regime.

But what does that have to do with me?

Our spies have been watching you closely.

Because of your determined and fragrant dislike of Wang and his cohorts,

we have decided to initiate you into our ranks.

But I'm with the Earth Man, such Gordon.

You will be more used here with us.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Wait. What are you doing?

I've got to get back to play.

No.

♪ (piano music)

(whistle blows)

- Ranch information for selection and inspection!

[chatter]

[chatter]

[chatter]

[chatter]

Very nice face. Very pretty.

Nice nipple. Oh yes.

Hmm.

Pretty hair.

Nice.

Shiny.

What are you doing to your nipples, Eric?

They look very nice.

Very nice.

Place is nice. Turn around.

Let's see.

I've been here. Let's see.

Oh, yeah. Real nice.

Very nice.

Nice bottom.

No. No good.

Step forward.

Oh, excellent, excellent.

Prepare yourself, you'll do.

(singing in foreign language)

(panting)

(gasping)

- Lush!

Lush!

Lush!

No!

No, get away!

Lush!

No, no!

(crying)

Get away, get away!

(crying)

Lush!

(screaming)

Jerk off.

I hear Dale, she's in some sort of trouble.

Jerk off, I hear Dale, she's in some sort of trouble.

- Dale!

- Get away, get away!

- We're in some sort of pit, Doc.

(piano music)

(piano music)

(piano music)

(whimpering)

(whimpering)

(crying)

(dramatic music)

(whimpering)

(whimpering)

(dramatic music)

(crying)

(sobbing)

(crying)

(crying)

(crying)

[crying]

Let me try. Try to get us out of here.

Didn't work.

Stand back, Flash.

Come on, Doc.

(thudding)

(

There she is, Doc.

Good Lord, Flesch, they're Dykes.

Dykes!

(screaming)

Aren't any of you try anything now?

I've got the power pasties and I know how to use them.

You get back there with the others.

I know your kind.

Now, what were you doing down here?

What were you doing with there?

Get back there!

You're gone!

(growling)

(loud splashing)

(loud thudding)

(growling)

(growling)

- No, no, you might as well crash.

(growling)

(growling)

(yelling)

(growling)

(shouts)

(pig squealing)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(yelling)

(growling)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(growling)

(growling)

(growling)

(loud screeching)

(growling)

(sniffing)

(growling)

(growling)

(growling)

(growling)

(growling)

(growling)

(horses neighing)

(growling)

(yelling)

(yelling)

(growling)

(growling)

(screaming)

(growling)

[screaming]

(growling)

(growling)

(yelling)

(yelling)

(yelling)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(yells)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(upbeat music)

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

But what happened to it, Fresh?

An arrow. A poison-tipped arrow, in fact.

Whoever you are, we owe you our lives.

Nonsense. I was happy to do it, for you see, I'm Prince Precious, rightful heir to the throne of porno.

Years ago, this planet was a veritable paradise, but Wang, a maniacal botanist whose organ was devoured by a crazed penis flytrap,

could not tolerate the existence of so much pleasure.

so much pleasure. And so, banding together an army of the

infinite and frustrated, and armed with a small but effective sex ray, plunged my

palace into carnal chaos, and took it over, exiling me and my few advisors to

what is now known as the Forest Kingdom. Then you feel that together we might put

an end to Wang's savage reign. And that our new cosmic friendship might inspire

an everlasting bond of kindness and love between the peoples of this planet and yours.

If there's anything I can ever do to repay you.

[music playing]

♪ (soft music)

(water splashing)

(water splashing)

(pl DEC

- laughter)

(po WWII

(laughter)

(app reporters falling productively)

Oh, oh, oh, no!

Oh, oh, oh, no!

Stay a while, Fles. The fun's just beginning.

I'd like to precious, but I can't.

I better get back to the lab with Dr. Jerkoff and help him work on the destruct of him.

Come. I'll go with you.

(children laughing)

(laughing)

(woman screams)

(children laughing)

(children laughing)

Fresh, I was just going to send for you.

What?

What happened, Doc?

Any scientist could tell you, Fresh.

The beam is finished and ready to be tested.

Now, if my calculations are correct,

one blast from my device and Wang's odious sex ray

will be utterly smashed to smithereens.

Well, how does it work, Doc?

I'll show you.

First, we have to attach the power pasties.

Let me help you out.

Now over there is a scared model of Wang's sex ray.

Surrounded by an electro magnesium force field so impervious

that were it not for the energy of Queen Amora's power pasties,

we could never hope to destroy it.

Now stand back.

Watch this.

- Wow. - Fantastic, Doctor.

- That's incredible. - Congratulations.

Congratulations.

It works, Jirgof.

It's the eighth wonder of the world.

I knew it would.

Then all we have to do is mount her in the ship

and blow Wang's evil ray to arms.

Then we can go home, can't we, Flash?

With good luck and good weather, Dale.

We'll be home tomorrow night.

Oh, Flash.

Let me prepare the ship.

- Yes. - To the ship.

ship.

Your loneness.

The earthmen have invented a gun

with which they plan to destroy a sex ray.

I have had enough of these

medallers.

They have interfered with the affairs of my regime for the very last time,

and they will be stopped.

He...

Now listen carefully.

(suspenseful music)

- Doc, we're getting close to Wang's palace.

- Just one more minute fresh.

I'm almost ready.

Careful!

This device has a delicate electromagnetic balance.

Any disturbance could blow us all to atoms.

There it is, Jerkoff, the sex ray.

It's the forest flyer, sound the alarm.

They spotted us, Jerkoff, get ready.

(footsteps)

- Now!

(dramatic music)

- Stop him!

(screaming)

- Get right past me!

Pull the ship up quick.

It's back!

Let me give it a try.

Fresh, we're doomed!

(screaming)

- We stopped falling, what's happened?

- We've fallen into some sort of magnetic beam.

It's drawing us safely down.

- But why would Wayne want to save us?

He doesn't. Look!

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

♪ (dramatic music)

(thunder rumbling)

(explosions)

(explosion)

(playful music)

(upbeat music)

[Music]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

When last seen, our hapless heroes

were about to be crunched into oblivion

by the perverted wangs chomping jaws.

Is there no justice on porno?

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Dale, this is yours.

Dr. Gerthal?

Here's one for you, Flash.

[engine revving]

[engine revving]

[engine revving]

[engine revving]

[engine revving]

Dale!

Are you all right?

I'm all right, Flash.

It's really a shame about that other guy.

Stealing your pasties like that.

And he was my best boy.

Whatever happened to the other fellow?

We only had four parachutes.

Oh.

Come on, we gotta get the wag.

Come on, Trish, let's go. Hurry up.

Stand firm and improve.

(dramatic music)

- Come on, Trudges, let's go.

Hurry up.

- Yeah, for a minute, through.

(dramatic music)

- There he goes, that's him.

(thunder rumbling)

(thunder rumbling)

(water splashing)

(giggling)

(water splashing)

(screaming)

- Your struggles are useless.

You are trapped and you shall not live.

I have tolerated your feeble attempts to thwart me for the very last time.

We have ways of dealing with you, Yankee.

See how you like my royal flush, earthly guy.

What is it? A throne! It's over here!

What have ya got for you!

There used to be ...

That's it, earthly. Goodbye, Gordon!

Sweet dreams, half an hour before you!

(water splashing)

- Bye.

- Bye.

(laughing)

- Nice knowing you, Fred.

- Yes, of course.

- Thank you.

(screaming)

(crashing)

(water splashing)

(upbeat music)

♪ Fresh Gordon is dead ♪

♪ Hey, fresh Gordon is dead ♪

♪ Hey, fresh Gordon is dead ♪

♪ Gordon is dead ♪

♪ Fresh Gordon is dead ♪

♪ Baby, fresh Gordon is dead ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Flesh, goodness, flesh, goodness, flesh ♪

♪ Flesh is flesh, flesh is flesh ♪

♪ Flesh, goodness, flesh, flesh, flesh ♪

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(crowd murmuring)

- Your lones!

(screaming)

Oh great importantite, I have done as you commanded

and I brought you under the power jewels.

Though the Earthmen cannot now destroy the sex beam, they're alive and loose in the palace.

Never mind that! I have dealt with them already. Give me the jewel.

Did the nasty spy frighten my babies?

Never mind that. Little Wangy-Pangy is going to take care of you all.

Wang he favors you with a tree kit.

My little peanut butter cup.

(giggling)

- What do you mean it's stuck?

- It's stuck!

Stock what do you mean?

Let me have him flesh I've been waiting for this moment for a long time

That's all, Wang! Where is it?

You guess!

Is it getting warm?

All very warm.

Is it getting fresh?

Oh, that's not it.

(suspenseful music)

- You can add Jule.

(Jule screaming)

- Can't you add Jule this minute to your hair?

- Oh, I can't, it's stuck!

What do you mean it's stuck?

Give me that jaw!

(screaming)

- I can't!

- Idiots!

You thought you could defy me,

but you will be yet to tangle with my rapist robot.

(laughing)

- It's stuck!

(footsteps)

(footsteps)

(footsteps)

(footsteps)

(screaming)

(laughing)

Oh, I wish I had a picture of this.

Wait, that's all this melody in here.

Flash!

What a way to go, eh, earth man?

In a flash of mechanical ecstasy.

(screaming)

(screaming)

- [Man] Flush!

- Flush!

Flush!

Flush!

- No! - Flush!

(chattering)

- Fools!

What do you think you're doing?

What a way to go, eh, Wang?

You have not heard the last of Wang!

You have not heard the last of Wayne!

Wes, come on.

We can't let Wayne get away.

Never mind, Wayne, now.

We have to get the jewel and save the earth.

That reminds me.

Oh... Oh... Oh...!

I can't! I can't!

Spit it out!

It's stuck!

(dog barking)

A plague, a pox, a pestilence, a storm.

Anything, anything, oh great one,

the fate of all evil rests in your hands.

Arise, arise and destroy your enemies

and avenge the glorious cause of perversion.

♪ (dramatic music)

♪ Oh boy

♪ I just love murder

- Out of my way you little fox

(laughing)

- Monster's work is never done.

Oh.

(ominous music)

Mmm.

Oh, fuck.

Put it upstairs.

- Stop. - Hurry up, Ruchers.

Look.

Listen.

Too late now, my imbecilic siblings.

The sex ray is too good for your Earth.

I'm going to burn your fucking planet to a fucking crisp.

Watch your back.

Well...

Oh...

Delightful.

He's got Dale!

Quick, Rudolph!

Use the restrictor beam and kill him!

(screaming)

- I dare not!

At this distance, there's too great a risk of hitting Dale.

This only we could get closer.

- Wait a minute!

We'll use Wang's rocket ship!

Come on!

(dramatic music)

- Ah, you and I are going to be good, friend.

Could you?

(dramatic music)

- Now.

Wow.

(crying)

Well, this is the Tower of Murder,

and it's where I hang out.

(dramatic music)

- Oh no!

(crying)

Are you having a good time?

Oh, God!

Oh, my!

Flash!

Flash, David!

Oh!

God, it's high!

Oh!

Oh, my!

(snoring)

- I wonder how you'd look in black, now, Lons.

What do you think of that?

(screaming)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(whimpering)

(screaming)

(sniffing)

Oh.

Mmm.

(whimpering)

(whimpering)

(whimpering)

(whimpering)

(whimpering)

(whimpering)

(whimpering)

I just wanted to say...

Look at your tits.

(screaming)

There she is, Doc.

(screaming)

(screaming)

Oh, you're getting serious.

Okay, Doc, get ready.

Ready, Frish.

(screaming)

Okay, Doc, get ready.

Ready, fresh.

Fire!

Doc, you missed!

You know I missed.

I'll get him.

Now...

I never...

Up yours, Gordon.

Cold pain.

- Monster! - Now...

You kiss yours.

Oh, God! Get away!

My ass!

My ass!

My ass!

Team humiliation!

The emerald!

- Oh, God.

- Oh.

(panting)

- Stay home.

Are you all right?

- I'll stretch.

- Oh, Lord.

(groaning)

- Oh, I was too fast in a flash.

This will pay.

No one bounds my ass.

At least to get away.

Oh, shit!

(explosion)

(gunfire)

(screaming)

(explosion)

(gunfire)

(gunfire)

(gunfire)

(gunfire)

[gunfire]

(explosions)

(explosions)

(tires screeching)

(explosions)

(screaming)

(explosion)

(explosion)

(somber music)

[explosion]

[music playing]

Goodbye, George.

Goodbye, Prince.

And Dale.

Goodbye, Flesh.

Precious.

We'll miss you around here.

Don't worry, Precious. I'll be back.

And next time, it'll be a family visit.

be a family visit. With Wang out of the way and his terrible regime dispersed, the universe

is once again safe for democracy and freedom and the right of all to happiness, each according

to his own personal religious convictions. Goodbye, Flesch. Goodbye. Goodbye. Have a

safe journey. It's been grabbed. Yes. We'll see you. Bye, Flesch. Be sure to ride, Flesch.

- Take care, Porsches. - See you. Bye.

- Bye now. - See you. Bye.

There she is. The Earth.

(soft music)

- Oh, flesh is no place like home.

(soft music)

[Music]

[BLANK_AUDIO]