Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[Will] It was the end of my first term,

and my personal report card read,

"Making new friends, C minus. Must try harder."

Being one of the cool gang...

[imitating engine revving]

[gags]

-[Will] D. -Nice badge, dickhead.

Not losing my virginity...

Whoo!

Will you put your pants on, please?

A-star. But things were looking up.

I'd been elected chairman

of the school's Christmas prom committee.

All right, I was the only candidate, but still.

I really wanted to look the part,

which meant hiring my first ever suit,

and Simon's dad said he knew just the place.

Are you sure this is the best place to hire suits?

Listen, I've been coming here for years.

Old Mr. Sethi knows me very well.

He'll do you a good deal if you mention my name.

It looks a bit old-fashioned.

Neil, the stuff in here never goes out of fashion.

It's timeless.

Yeah, well, I don't care,

'cause I've already bought a suit.

Once, Sethi went mental,

because I brought a suit back covered in grass stains.

If you know what I mean.

Blimey, imagine that.

If you got to hire the exact same suit

I was wearing the first time me and your...

All right, all right. We're going in.

What do you think?

Oh, yes. Very nice. It is a lovely fit.

I'm not too sure about the lapels.

Too jazzy?

They are a little too jazzy, yes.

Is this the sort of suit a chairman would wear?

But of course, definitely for a chairman.

Here we go.

'Cause I'm the chairman of this committee

that's organizing our school's Christmas prom this year.

That's it. You've now officially told

everyone you've ever laid eyes on.

I just think it's important that people know. That's all.

Yeah, I'm the DJ. That's far more important.

I said you might get to DJ.

Oh, yes! Very, very nice.

I think it's kind of hideous. Is it velvet?

-Too jazzy? -Yeah. Yeah, too jazzy.

And for you, my young friend? Shall I find you something also?

I suppose so. But I need something special, yeah?

Something that makes me stand out.

I will get you something extra special, something just for you.

You said I could fucking DJ. Now, don't go back on your word.

Oi, let him DJ. He's part of my plan to seduce Carli.

What's he gonna do? Hold her down?

I get breathless every time I think of her,

and when I see her, my heart does little flips.

-Are you bent? -Shut up!

It's just that right then, you sounded really, really bent.

-Won't her boyfriend be there? -Who?

Well, her boyfriend. The massive rugby player.

Him. Yeah. No. I don't think they're going out.

Or if they are, then they aren't really.

I don't know. But she never says that they definitely are.

-So, maybe they aren't. -Yes.

I mean, that's the most positive possible way of looking at it.

Here we are. Just for you. Perfect.

Too jazzy?

[Will] With the prom a few days away, I was stressed.

But I wasn't the only one with things on my mind.

I think I'm ready for a relationship.

You mean you think you're wanking too much?

-Yes. -Talking of which...

-[Jay] Miss Timms. -She's so fit.

It should be illegal for her to teach biology.

I almost knocked one out there and then

when we did the reproduction system.

As something of an outsider,

I'd say that actually, she isn't very fit at all.

She's just the only adult female in the school under 30.

-She is so fit. -No, she isn't.

I mean, she's fine, but she's no...

She'd definitely get it.

If we could all just concentrate above the waist for a second,

I need you all at a planning meeting this lunch.

I've got you some brilliant jobs lined up

Like what?

Well, giving out the vouchers

that can be exchanged for alcohol.

Shit! If we control the beer vouchers,

we get a pick of the birds.

The drunk birds.

That sounded just a little bit rapey.

Well, say what you like, Professor Words.

Thanks to you, we're gonna be drowning in babes.

I just want the night to be a success.

I've no interest in babes.

Well, that's handy, 'cause they've got no interest in you.

Oh, sorry? Who here has pulled Charlotte Hinchcliffe?

Who? Huh?

Me. That's who.

-She only did it for a bet. -That's not true.

Oh, God, let's not get into all that again.

It is true.

It's not fucking true.

People don't get fingered for a bet, Jay.

With the possible exception of your sister.

-Take that back. -Actually, I do take it back.

Your mum, on the other hand,

she'd probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits.

Oh!

-Oh, no! -Silence!

Oh, no!

[Will] Obviously no one cool

wanted to help organize the prom.

So, when it came to recruiting a crack team,

I wasn't exactly spoiled for choice.

But while there may be no "I" in team,

luckily there was a "me".

And if I was to stop these morons

from screwing up my big night,

every fine detail had to be planned.

Right. Welcome.

As you all know, this is the first ever Christmas prom.

Two things are gonna make this event successful.

Teamwork and exceptional leadership.

The first thing we need to discuss

is the agenda and how that--

-Yes, John? -Are we going to have food?

Yep. Yep, we will.

If you look at the agenda,

that's item four, so we'll get to that.

Because I think we should have food.

I was wondering what type everyone thought we should have.

Yep. As I say,

that is on the agenda, so we'll get to that.

Lasagna's nice, and so are burgers.

You don't need a plate for burgers,

which gives them an edge on lasagna.

Yes, John, please. We'll get to that.

But you can eat burgers off a plate too.

Listen, lard-arse.

There will be food so shut the fuck up

so we can get this over with!

-I just wanted you all-- -Shut up!

Right. Right. Okay. Um...

Item one. Venue.

We're having it in the school hall, obviously.

Item two, band.

We don't need a band. I'm DJing.

After half ten.

I should be DJing the whole thing!

-Well, they're booked now. -You're shit at this.

I'd be much better.

I've organized hundreds of parties.

This is the first ever Christmas prom,

not a chimps' tea party.

What we want is a good, structured evening.

What we want is a big mucky disco and a piss-up.

Hang on. When have you organized parties?

-All the time. -I've known you for ten years

and I have never seen you organize a party.

Bollocks. What about my birthday party last year?

Your mum organized that.

Yeah, under my supervision.

-And that was a wicked party. -I fingered a bird.

See? And also, I organize the Caravan Club parties.

Remember, we have been to a Caravan Club party.

-And it was shit. -I fingered a bird.

Well, there you go!

Look, Jay, now's not the time.

Item three.

Seriously, Will, why are we here?

You've clearly decided it all already.

No, I haven't.

There's still loads I need your help with.

Like what?

Like, who cleans up the next day.

-What item's that? -Twenty-eight.

For Christ's sake, just get on with it!

-Okay. Item four, food. -Oh, good.

-[Jay] She did it as a bet. -One more time, that's not true.

Say what you like, I know it was a bet. Ask her.

I will.

Well, there she is over there. Go ask her now.

I'm not going to ask her now. I'll ask her later.

-Or tomorrow at the prom. -Right, course!

Right. Here goes. Phase one.

Carli!

Oh, hi, Simon.

All right, sick-boy boner?

Yeah. Listen, this dance, you are going, aren't you?

-Yeah. -Great.

Great. Maybe we could go together?

I could do with a lift, yeah, thanks.

Right, a lift. Yeah.

Tom's car's broken, so that would be perfect.

Great. Got to get here early to help Will set up.

So, I'll pick you up about 4:00?

4:00?

You want me to get to a prom that starts at 8:00 at 4:00?

Well, that's what time I'm getting there.

There'll be loads to do.

So, what? I could turn up in my evening dress

four hours early and help you blow up balloons?

You could help scrub the floors.

It might be fun. You know, all together.

-Are you mentally ill? -Ha-ha. Good one.

Tell you what, I'll see you there.

In the evening.

Great. Great. I'll see you there, then.

You know, since he's met you, he's become much more of a dick.

Really?

Yeah, he does seem to think more and, like, express himself.

Isn't that a good thing?

Does it look like a good thing?

[groans]

-I'm charging you for the chips. -I never had chips!

Right, then. So tomorrow is your Christmas party, or prom,

if you will insist on speaking like our transatlantic cousins.

Myself and Miss Timms will be attending...

Yes!

...to make sure you enjoy yourselves sensibly.

Now, obviously we want you to have fun,

but in order to make it enjoyable

for everyone, we have a few rules.

One, everyone will get two

alcoholic drink tokens and no more.

Frankly, the last thing I want

is to be cleaning up your dreadful sick,

or even worse, you putting your arms around me

and telling me that I'm, "All right for a teacher,"

and that you love me.

Two, this is a school dance and not the last days of Rome.

[chuckles]

What I mean by this is no heavy petting.

And I will be the judge of what constitutes heavy.

-Pervert. -I heard that.

If I see anything that I consider too much,

you will be sent home.

Is that clear?

[students mumble]

-Is that clear? -Yes, sir.

Good. Have a nice evening.

I'll leave you in the hands

of the chairman of the organizing committee,

God help you, William McKenzie.

-Thanks, Phil. Now... -Sorry?

-Thanks for that, Phil. -Phil?

Oh.

It's just 'cause the dance

is outside of school time so I assumed...

Well, you assumed wrong, Will.

-Very wrong. -Sorry.

-Right, then. -Say my name properly.

-Mr. Gilbert. -Say thank you.

-Thank you. -Say, "Thank you, Mr. Gilbert".

-Thank you, Mr. Gilbert. -Better.

Okay.

Um...

Just a few things to make sure it runs smoothly,

I've got the schedules here.

I've not forgotten about you. I'll be watching you tomorrow.

And if I see you anywhere near Charlotte,

I'll rip your fucking throat out.

Have a nice time.

Well, that's good.

[Will] Brilliantly, it wasn't just

my reputation on the line at the prom.

Now it was my life.

It was the moment of truth. Prom night had arrived,

and as I watched my crack team setting things up,

it's fair to say I was shitting myself.

David, don't lean on that, it'll come down!

Who's written the toilet signs?

Where are the toilet signs?

We're in the school. Everyone knows where the toilets are.

-They piss in them every day. -Not everyone will know.

We're meant to have signs. Pen! Pen!

It's fucking run out.

How can this be happening? Tonight is a fucking disaster.

It's fine. It's all fine. It looks good.

Look, people are going to judge tonight, and therefore me,

as either a huge success or a massive failure.

You've got balloons.

You're already one up on any event

the school's had before. Just relax.

Also, it's very hard to relax

knowing that Donovan might very well

kick the shit out of me at some point.

Oh, right. That makes much more sense.

Anyway, how come you're so calm?

I thought you'd be shitting yourself about Carli.

No, I'm fine. Jay's got his end sorted

and I know exactly what to say.

Right. Are you sure you should trust Jay

with what could be the tenderest moment of your life?

Yeah. He'll be fine. It's a good plan.

And can it be worse than puking on her brother's head?

Maybe. You haven't told me what it is yet.

What the fuck are you wearing?

Oh, my God! And I thought our suits were shit.

Ha! Your cock, it looks so tiny.

-It's like an acorn! -Have you gone mental?

No, this is cool. Look, I saw it in Nuts.

Girls will fancy me because I stand out.

You'll stand out because your cock is minuscule.

Will you stop looking at my cock?

Mate, I think that's brave.

-Really brave. -It's so shit.

Actually, maybe I'd better go

stick a couple of socks down there.

-Any jobs for me? -Wash your hands afterwards.

Gotcha.

Will, where's the toilets?

Oh, for fuck's sake!

[dance music playing]

[Will] Despite being organized by my team of geeks,

it actually looked like people were enjoying the party.

[singing]

Mind you, I couldn't afford to relax.

John! John!

Stop eating the burgers!

-He's stressed. -Yeah.

And to be honest, I think it's a pretty good party.

And it just got even better. Here's Miss Timms.

-She actually looks quite fit. -Very fit.

Very fit indeed.

I'm on soon. You ready, Si? Have you found Carli yet?

-Not yet. She'll be here soon. -Another drink?

Better not. I don't want a repeat

of what happened last time.

-You okay with the plan? -Yeah. Yeah, I'm on it.

You've got the timings and everything?

Yeah, to the second.

-Please don't fuck it up. -I won't fuck it up!

Go on, go and find her.

Right. Here goes.

[Will] As Neil was about to discover,

the problem with drinking for Dutch courage

is the next level of drunk up from that is Dutch dickhead.

So far, so good.

The band rocked, people largely

found the toilets without a sign,

and best of all, my throat remained unripped out.

[students cheering]

Now all I had to worry about was Jay's DJing.

[music playing]

This isn't on the approved playlist!

No one likes this one, Jay.

Well, that's it, it's a disaster.

Hello, stranger.

Oh, um...

Hello.

Is... Is Mark not around?

Why? Were you going to ask him to dance?

[chuckles]

No. No, I wasn't.

-You all right? -Yeah.

I just don't know whether this is any good.

I mean, what makes a cool party?

You and your bloody party, Will.

It's great. Just enjoy yourself.

You're just being nice.

Why would I want to be nice to you?

Trust me, I've been to loads of shit

parties and this really isn't one.

-Really? -Yeah.

You've done well. For a geek.

Come on, we're going for a dance.

Oh, I...

I don't really dance, to be honest.

And I've... Yeah, I've got stuff to sort out.

Fine. But you owe me a dance later. Agreed?

Agreed.

-Oh, Charlotte? -Yeah?

-You know us? -Yeah.

I wasn't a bet, was I?

Just enjoy your party. We'll have a dance later. Okay?

-Give us a burger. -You could say please.

Just give me one.

I've got to be back up there in three minutes.

Not until you say please. Manners cost nothing.

For fuck's sake. Can I have a burger, please?

Of course you can. Would you like ketchup on that?

Yeah, go on, then. Please.

Your DJing seems to be going well.

Yeah, it's all right. Made a few cock-ups.

-Well, no one's noticed. -It's weird, but...

I feel better when I'm doing it. Kind of not so tense.

My counselor used to say

that frustration often comes from wanting to be noticed.

Yeah. Yeah, that's it.

It's probably why I exaggerate a bit.

To feel special?

Yeah. It's like sometimes I feel like

the kids here don't pay attention to me.

Like I'm so dumb, I don't matter.

I guess making a few things up at least makes them notice.

Do you fancy a beer?

I've still got my two tokens. I don't mind sharing.

Yeah. Yeah, cheers.

I understand how you feel, you know. Back in a moment.

-You're DJing, aren't you? -Yeah.

I used to DJ at a top nightclub in Ibiza.

-Oh, yeah? -I could get you a regular spot.

You look like you're really into it.

Yeah. It's all about being sensitive.

I find it hard to trust,

but when it's just me and the music, I'm sorted.

-Are you bent? -What?

It was just right then, you sounded really, really bent.

I heard. Do you want to come up to the decks with me?

-Yeah, all right. -Got them!

You didn't say please.

What about opening up and trusting?

Oh, fuck off, you fat wanker.

Carli?

-Carli. -Simon.

-You got here all right, then? -Looks like it.

-Where's Tom? -Ugh! That dick!

He's out with his rugby mates.

I left them just as they were gonna start drinking beer

out of each other's bum cracks.

Right. That's a bit weird, isn't it?

I don't care, I'm not interested.

Right. Great.

So, did you want anything in particular?

Yeah. Yeah, I did want something.

[music stops]

Why has the music stopped?

I stopped it.

Because... I need to say that...

I just wanted to say to you that--

Are you going to ask me to finger myself again?

No, God, no! No.

I just need to say that...

Um...

Simon, I've had enough of dickheads today. What is it?

Why are you being so weird?

[students tittering]

-Oh, no. No, it's nothing. -Nothing?

I was going to say something, but it's gone now.

What were you going to say?

-I was going to say that-- -[Miss Timms] Neil!

-What the fuck is Neil doing? -Come here. Oh, go on.

-Neil, what are you doing? -I love you. Please.

[students laughing]

-[student 1] Boner! -[student 2] Boner!

Oh, God!

[student 3] Boner.

Every year. Every year someone has a pop, don't they?

Come on, Sutherland. Let's get you a glass of water.

-[laughs] -[music plays]

What's the problem?

I wanted you to come here with me tonight, yeah?

You decide to go out with your friends instead.

What's wrong with that?

What do you mean what's wrong with that?

I had to come here on my own.

I fucking warned you about talking to Charlotte.

You are taking the piss!

I didn't! I wasn't! She came over to me!

-Mr. Gilbert! Mr. Gilbert! -Hey! Put him down!

[music stops]

-Or what? -Yeah, leave him alone.

[student 1] What's wrong with you? He ain't even done nothing.

-Don't be a dickhead, Donovan. -[student 2] Wanker!

[student 3] Yeah, fuck off, Donovan.

Leave the speccy short-arse alone.

He's organized a good party.

Yeah, Briefcase is all right, Donovan. Don't be a tit.

Charlotte.

Thanks. That was really kind. And really great.

I sort of knew that I'd have to say a few words of thanks

at some point tonight. So I've prepared a little speech...

[music starts]

Again. Of course.

Well done, children.

A fairly innocuous jamboree of adolescent nonsense.

Fear not, the relationships that some of you

have entered into tonight,

well, they may seem like everything now,

but they'll be over in a matter of weeks.

Now, if we can just make it home

without tagging people's property...

Yeah. I may go to bed relatively hate free.

Oi! You two! Do you want me to fetch up my dinner? Go home!

I'm allowed to enjoy this, aren't I?

Oh, yeah. Well done, mate. Top night.

Tonight, I win. Party was good, Charlotte probably not a bet,

and best of all, Donovan didn't beat me up.

That last one you can only enjoy over the holiday.

He'll kill you next term.

Did you really enjoy it, though?

Yeah, I had a laugh. Why did you think I hadn't?

Well, you know. It didn't exactly go to plan with Carli.

Well... I was standing there,

ready to say all this stuff to her,

and it just wouldn't come out.

And then I thought, am I really that bothered?

And then Neil tried to fuck the teacher.

Oh, leave me alone.

Honestly, she looked like she was going to slap you.

But I think your erection scared her off.

-What were you thinking? -I don't know.

-I think it was the suit. -It was definitely too jazzy.

I thought Miss Timms would like it.

Even though she's 30, is going out with Gilbert,

would go to prison for snogging you?

Gilbert was all right about it, actually.

Are you looking forward to biology next term?

-Not really. -It should be interesting.

Oi, oi! Guess who just got a blowy behind the decks?

-Well, not you, obviously. -Guess again.

Jay, you're my mate. But please, for once, just don't lie.

-What happened? -Blowy.

I said, "Please don't lie."

All right, all right. She gave me a hand job, not a blowy.

[all] Ah!

I knew it was bollocks.

What? I just got a hand job on the school stage.

That's better than any of you.

Bollocks. It's already come down from a blow job.

You'll be telling us it was outside the trousers next.

-It was. -That doesn't count!

Oh, well, that's not even a hand job, then!

What has just happened there,

my friend, is you've spunked yourself.

-That counts. -Doesn't count.

I haven't cleaned my cock yet, so...

Does this count?

[all exclaiming in disgust]