Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

Hi, I'm Will, and as a special treat

I now get to finish my A-Levels at a State comprehensive.

Posh twat.

Everyone's made me feel very welcome.

Briefcase wanker.

-I have made some friends. -Oh, friend!

Unfortunately, they're bigger losers than me.

[gags]

Which means, while other people get to play pool and hang out,

I spend my free periods tied to a chair

with a rubbish bin on my head.

What happened to you?

-I tripped. -Really?

No, not really, Neil. Donovan's tied me to a chair.

He says no-one's allowed to touch me. The prick.

Just so you know, he's stood ten foot away.

Shit. He didn't hear that, did he?

Yep, he's heard that.

-Come on, we'll get you out. -Uh, better not, Neil.

Sorry, we're not allowed to untie you.

Fair enough.

So what are we up to this weekend?

We could go to Bluewater.

A shopping center? Great. You know how much I love chavs.

Bluewater's not chavvy. It's quality.

I go there all the time.

-I rest my case. -To be fair,

they've now got a Nando's.

-The hallmark of quality! -I actually like Nando's.

Well, whatever you sad acts get up to this weekend,

I won't be there.

Oh, no! Who will supply the witticisms?

I'll be up to my nuts in some guts,

shagging those sisters from Caravan Club.

Camber Sands meeting this weekend,

which is always like a massive orgy.

Except it's not, though, is it? It's holidays for old people.

I'm sorry, did someone say something?

Was Bin Boy giving it the big 'un?

It's funny how you never get any girls around here,

yet away on Caravan Club

you're like some sort of gypsy Russell Brand.

I wouldn't shag any of the skanky girls around here, mate.

-Except for your mum. -Get in the queue!

-Brilliant. -If you don't believe me,

you should come to Camber Sands. Even Bin Boy might get some sex!

All right. I'm definitely up for that.

Yeah, love to.

You don't have to.

No, if I have to sleep in a caravan to prove you're lying,

then I'm willing to make that sacrifice.

Fine. Good.

Come down. Then we'll see who's lying.

Yes, you. You're lying.

[bell rings]

-Mark, can we untie him now? -No.

Sorry, mate. See you at lunch.

-See you then. -Oh, shit, it's Gilbert.

Good, now Donovan's in trouble.

-Don't grass. -Cooper, Sutherland, Cartwright,

-and who have we under here? -McKenzie, sir.

Let me guess, no one saw how this happened.

I suppose you tripped.

-No, sir, what happened was-- -You're about to grass, are you?

Sir?

If there's one thing no one likes, it's a grass.

So I will ask you how this happened and you will reply,

"I tripped."

But, sir, if no one reported crimes,

the justice system would collapse and--

I'll ask you again. How did this happen?

-I tripped. -[tsks] Clumsy.

[Will] Thanks to Gilbert's disdain for informers,

I was left tied to the chair for the rest of the day.

Guys?

The one good thing is we called Jay's bluff.

This was the classic win-win situation.

If by some miracle, Caravan Club was full of girls,

then we might get laid,

but if it was full of weird old people and chavs,

which it would be, then Jay would never live it down,

so with high hopes,

we hit the open road in Simon's shitty little yellow car.

How fast can this thing go, then, do you reckon?

It's the special edition,

so I reckon it could probably top a ton.

-Bollocks. -Easily could.

It's a pretty good car.

I thought your dad had forbidden you from going over 50.

He's not here, is he?

-And it couldn't do it anyway. -Right, we'll see.

80's pretty good. We could leave it there.

-Go on, Si! -Oh, my God, we're going to die!

Simon, if you survive and I don't,

give this message to my mum.

"Simon killed me."

-My arms are hurting a bit now. -98.

99.

-100 miles an hour! -[laughing]

-Thank Christ. -[Simon] Told you.

Yeah, not too bad.

[mobile phone plays tune]

Can you get that?

It's from Jay. No idea what it says,

but I'm pretty sure it's not English.

There's an I, then an H, then a V.

Oh, give it here.

He says he wants us to pick him up

at the garage just outside Camber Sands

and he'll show us how to get to the caravan park.

Thank you, Dr Doolittle.

What?

-'Cause he talks to the animals. -I'm not following you.

[mobile phone plays tune]

Oh, and he's also buying a jumbo pack of ribbed johnnies.

Does anyone else need some?

[Will] Despite Simon's best efforts,

we made it to Camber Sands alive.

We'd arranged to meet Jay at the service station,

and though Simon could just about drive a car,

getting petrol into it still remained a mystery.

[grunts in frustration]

Christ, I forgot about this shit heap.

I don't think even I could help you get laid in that.

Have you ever used one of these before?

It's broken. This should reach.

-You sure you passed your test? -Yes.

How many times did you have to suck off the instructor?

-You want to park it closer. -Thanks, Neil.

Pump number six, please park closer.

Told you.

This is embarrassing.

I'm going to go check out the clunge mags.

Wait for me.

[attendant] Pump number six, do you need assistance?

I think I might go and stretch my legs a bit, too.

[snickering]

-What's so funny, then? -It's your mum in this mag.

Yes, very droll, well done.

No, look, it really looks like your mum's face.

[chuckles nervously] Yes.

Um... No!

Oh, that is definitely your mum's snatch.

I just got a text from this girl at the Caravan Club.

-Oh, yeah, is it Becky? -Yeah.

I texted your photo. What's she say?

"Hi, Simon, my name's Becky. Liked your photo."

Jay says you've got a cool car as well.

See you later." Smiley face.

She's seen a picture of you. Let's get back one of her.

With her tits out.

-Might be a bit soon for that. -She is filthy.

-Still a bit early, I reckon. -What shall I write?

"Spread them. I'll be there in half an hour."

Or, "So lovely to hear from you,

it would be a pleasure to meet up."

-"PS, I'm a poofter." -Don't put the PS.

I've put, "Can't wait to meet up.

How will I know what you look like?"

-Smiley face at the end? -With a wink. It's cheeky.

No, the winky face is the mark of a moron.

I've sent it.

-[mobile phone plays a tune] -Is that Leona Lewis?

It's a picture of her with her sister Suzanne.

-Are they kissing? -Let me see.

-Oh, please be lesbo. -Oh. Fit enough.

I told you there was fit birds,

and there's plenty more where they came from.

I think I'm actually going to get laid.

Oh, my God, sisters! That's so horny!

First rule of Caravan Club is that everyone gets some.

Second rule is, don't tell anyone about the first rule,

as it's a massive lie.

-We'll see about that, won't we? -Yes, we will.

Pump number six, please, and these.

And them.

Do you want a bag for these?

[Will] Okay, admittedly Jay knew some girls,

but driving into the caravan park,

it didn't look like the kind of place

you'd have an orgy.

It looked like a field with some old tents in it.

-Welcome to my world. -Where are all these women?

-There's loads. Look around you. -Where?

Everywhere. What about her?

[Simon] She's about 12, Jay.

She's older than that. Believe me.

Christ! What sort of camp have we come to?

-Here they come. Becky, Suzanne. -Hi, Jay.

This is Simon I was telling you about.

Hello.

Hello. Thanks for your text. Nice car.

Thanks. It's not actually from Hawaii,

it just says it on the back.

I like it. Are you guys coming to the party later?

-Yeah, definitely. -Great, I'll see you later.

That one has fucked everyone.

I've slung one up her a few times myself.

And who exactly is everyone, Jay?

That old man over there? Has he had a go on her?

I promise you that when you go back from this place

you beg your parents to buy a caravan.

I'm not sure Neil's dad could afford a caravan.

If he thought of it as a mobile closet, he'd find the money.

-My dad's not bent. -We only have your word.

-My dad's not bent. -You would say that, though.

-Jay. Dinner's ready. -All right then, dickheads,

Mum's made you tea,

so park up and I'll meet you in the caravan.

Tea in a caravan. I've finally hit rock bottom.

There you go, boys.

Some lovely salad to go with your sausages.

-Thanks, Mrs. Cartwright. -It's my pleasure.

[farting sounds emanating from the toilet]

[farting sounds continue]

[poo splashes]

This is really delicious, Mrs. Cartwright.

[toilet sounds continue]

Cool, crisps. Have you got any ketchup?

[toilet splashes]

-Jesus Christ. -My eyes are burning.

All right, boys? Are you coming to the dance tonight, then?

Yes, Mr. Cartwright.

I've lined Simon up with a girl, Dad.

Finally someone's going to take advantage

of all the birds down here!

Jay's about as much use as a nun's tits.

Leave him alone, Terry, you're embarrassing him.

Delicious crisps, Mrs. Cartwright.

Thanks, Will.

Yeah, she opened the packet herself!

[laughs] Don't you boys just love it out here?

Sense of freedom you don't get with other holidays.

Right, we'd best be getting ready, Dad. Maybe see you later.

Yeah, I'll be there.

Fighting the girls off with a shitty stick! [laughs]

I don't think he'll need that stick.

[Will] Looking back, I should have realized

that Mr. Cartwright's explosive bowels

were a sign of things to come.

So the big night was finally here.

The Caravan Club disco and all its delights

of the flesh

lay just inside a giant garden shed.

As predicted, this is shit.

I drove all the way here for this?

It's just getting started. Give it a minute.

Aw! Tune!

[dance music playing]

He's actually quite good.

I'm going to get some hummus.

Your ride for the evening is here.

Do you really think she'll shag me?

Why do you think they come here?

Fresh air?

That text was her way of telling you it is on.

Shit, amazing. I feel a bit weird, though,

because I always thought I'd lose it with Carli.

Listen to me, that bird Becky's an animal.

She'll fuck you till you're blind and teach you all sorts.

When Carli finds out, she's going to be two things:

jealous and wet, because now she'll know you're a stud.

-You really think so? -'Course.

Carli doesn't really fancy you,

so if you're waiting to lose it with her,

you'll be waiting until you're dead.

I think she likes me a bit.

No, she doesn't. She thinks you're a twat.

Becky likes you,

and she likes sex. It's the perfect combination.

Just don't go for anal straightaway.

Okay. Thanks, man.

No problem. Look, here they come. Don't worry,

I'll distract Fatty Boom Boom with the buffet.

[Will] So, amazingly,

it looked like Simon might actually pull.

If he could bring himself to speak to her.

As for the rest of us, I wasn't holding my breath.

I'd imagine it's a sense of freedom

you don't get with other holidays.

-Can I get you some more hummus? -Delicious, thank you.

Why are you talking to the pensioners?

Oh, just taking the piss.

-What, by eating hummus? -Yeah.

Would you rather eat hummus or take me somewhere quiet?

I think I'd rather take you somewhere quiet.

Come over here then.

Sorry, I didn't catch your name.

I'm Will and I like hummus. There, I've said it.

Will, two things. For the next few hours,

I don't need you to be charming or sophisticated

or even interesting.

Just be willing.

-Can you handle that? -I think so.

Good. And second, kiss me.

Right, okay.

-What are you doing? -I just need a moment.

I'm going to take you outside and I want you to fuck me.

-Really? -Yes, really.

Hang on, we barely know each other.

We should get to know each other first, shouldn't we?

I mean, come on, we're young,

let's have some fun

and then fall exhausted into each other's arms.

I've got an idea. Did you ever used to skid as a child?

I used to love it. Come on! Let's skid!

Whoo!

Get your shoes off! It's liberating!

Where are you going?

-Don't you want to skid? -No.

What about our lovemaking?

Lovemaking? Gone off it, sorry.

Oh.

Oi! My shoes! Give me back my shoes!

[children giggling]

[Will] Somehow, in three minutes

I'd gone from guaranteed sex

to being bullied by eight-year-olds,

and I'm still not entirely sure how that happened.

All right, Dad? Thought you was coming to the party?

-Yeah, I was. -I popped my head in the door

and saw you chatting up some fat bird,

so I didn't want to cramp your style.

I was keeping her busy while Simon was talking to her mate.

Don't be embarrassed, son.

If I was as bad with the ladies as you,

I'd have moved on to the fatties months ago.

Hello, Mr. Cartwright. Jay.

All right, Will? You got any action?

Yeah, I pulled a girl, actually.

Fuck off. No way.

Where is she now, then? Cleaning up her beaver for you?

Uh, no. She went off.

Plenty more fish in the sea. Jay's harpooned himself a whale.

Give it a rest, Dad. I already told you, it's not like that.

Yeah, and I told you not to be so fussy and to get stuck in.

You're more likely to get somewhere with a fatso,

because they're grateful for the attention.

-Even from a loser like you. -Dad.

They say any port in a storm,

and she was the size of a fucking port!

I know what you're up to.

You think, because she's so massive,

she'll count as two shags.

Well, she doesn't! [chuckles]

-I get plenty of girls. -No, you bloody don't.

And even if you did, what could you do with that thing?

-It's like a McDonald's chip! -Dad.

You take after your mum in the cock-size department.

She ain't got one either!

Can you just leave me alone for once?

Ohh!

All right, all right. Bloody hell, he's just like his mum.

Make one little joke and he has a shit fit!

Fuck this.

Are these the only toilets, then?

Oh, God.

I'd give trap number two a couple of minutes.

I had eggs for lunch.

-Shall we go outside, then? -Yeah, all right.

Fucking hell! Is this really happening?

I'm going to have sex, aren't I?

At last. Thanks for sorting this, Jay.

Fill this up for me.

Thanks so much, mate. Nice one.

Gotcha! [laughs obnoxiously]

Mr. Cartwright, you seem to be splashing me a bit.

-Who stole your shoes? -Just some kids.

Kids? You let them get away with that?

Laughing at you while you're standing in your piss?

I think it's mostly your piss.

Go and get them. Show them who's boss.

Yeah, okay, I will.

[Terry farts]

Better out than in.

I'm going to go now, then.

[continues farting]

[music playing]

I'm curious, are you subversively mocking this place

or are you actually enjoying this hell?

I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about.

I've ripped my top!

Oh, God, sorry, you just turn me on so much.

My parents will see this.

What the hell are you doing?

It's a condom. I thought we should be safe.

Why have you got a condom on?

I'm not going to have sex with you!

-You're not? But Jay said-- -Jay said what?

-He said... -What? What did Jay say?

How's it feel to be a man, then?

You fucking liar. Shagged her and her sister, have you?

-Loads of times, yeah? -Untold.

Really? She didn't seem that keen,

and her sister's 13 years old.

Well, I haven't actually shagged her and her sister exactly,

but other similar girls.

Thanks for the condom. I'll be lucky if I'm not on some

sort of pedophile register by the end of the night.

Fuck, she's talking to her parents. We'd better go.

-Where's Neil? -Don't know and don't care.

Let's get out of here. Will, we're off.

Will, come on.

Prick.

[Will] And just when I thought things

couldn't get any worse,

I then had to spend a night in a caravan

with Jay's dad and his irritable bowel.

Thanks for your hospitality, Mrs. Cartwright.

See you soon, Mr. Cartwright.

Cheers, lads. And Simon, don't worry about that Becky business.

Her dad's calmed down now. We were all your age once.

At least you had a pop, unlike soppy bollocks here.

Um, thanks.

Don't mention it.

Just try not to rape anyone on the way out!

I don't see why I should ever talk to you again,

let alone give you a lift home.

You're just angry because you didn't get laid.

Yeah, that's it.

Let's just get out of this dump.

Please, God, don't let me ever

have to come back to a caravan park.

-All right? -Where have you been?

I slept in the car. Shall we go then?

Shotgun.

-My seat's a bit wet. -Mine is, too.

Yeah, it's wet here as well.

Neil, did you wet yourself in my new car?

-It's not really new. -Did you wet yourself?

No. But I did have a bird back in here.

-You fucked a girl in my car? -No, it's too small.

Did a lot of fingering, though. She wanked me off a few times.

[all exclaim in disgust]

-God! -Get me out of here!

Neil!

-Bloody hell! -Disgusting.

-[Simon] Thanks, Neil! -Who was she, then?

Some sort of punky redhead. She was nice.

She was mine! Oh, God.

We can't stay here.

I'm not getting in the spunkmobile.

-Clean it up, Neil. -Why?

Because you have spunked on my seats!

Oh, God, this weekend has been a disaster.

One good thing is we've learned the Caravan Club is shit

and that Jay is a liar.

I'm such a liar? That Neil got some?

-No... -Neil got some.

-You lied. -Clean it up, Neil.

-It's your car. -It's your spunk!

Some of it could be her juice.

-Did Neil get any? -That's not the point.

-Yes or no, did Neil get some? -You lie.

And I want petrol money.

-For what? -For petrol! Money for petrol.

[Will] I'm not sure what we learned

from this sorry episode,

apart from never take advice from Jay...

-But Jay said-- -Jay said what?

...when you are offered sex, don't skid...

Whoo!

...and never, never follow Mr. Cartwright into the toilet.

My eyes are burning!

But as we stood arguing on the side of the A2,

one thing was for sure.

Neil can produce an unholy amount of spunk.

And I want this cleaned now.

No, it's in your car, so it's yours.

So if I spunk on you, that's yours, is it?

-No. -You are fucking disgusting.