Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[Will] It was a typical Saturday night in suburbia,

and Wendy's party was the kind of shit party

that happened most weekends.

Her parents were upstairs,

waiting for the house to be trashed.

They'd be down at 11:30 anyway, to turf us all out.

We were downstairs,

bored senseless and wondering how we'd ever get laid.

And anyone who is in any way cool was somewhere else.

Can you get off the arm rest, please?

Sorry.

Although it was nice of you to invite me,

this doesn't seem like a very cool party.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you cancel a night out

with Paris Hilton to be here?

Wendy, do you have any more beer?

I think there's a box of my dad's small beers left.

But don't drink it all.

Charlotte Hinchcliffe and her mates will be here soon.

Yeah, right, like she's going to come.

-Why wouldn't she come? -[Simon] She's fit and popular.

-Therefore, she won't be coming. -Who won't be coming?

-Charlotte Hinchcliffe. -I'd make her come.

All over my face.

You know, she has to get special bras made

because not only are her tits so big,

but they are perfectly round.

Like porn star tits.

And she's a slag.

She once munched off the whole rugby team.

-Can that be true? -No word of a lie.

-I heard that. -Our school doesn't have

a rugby team.

-It was another school, then. -Which one?

-It happened, all right? -Then you can tell me where.

You can ask her yourself.

-Except she won't be here. -Jay, I'm off, mate.

See you soon.

All right then, mate.

Who was that?

-Just a friend. -You've made a new friend?

Oh, a friend.

Since when have you had other friends?

Oh, a friend.

I knew him from when we were doing trials at West Ham.

He's moved into the area. He's just some guy.

-Some guy! -He's just some guy.

-He's just some guy. -That's all it is.

Just a friend from when Jay had trials

at West Ham... That never happened.

-Don't forget the thumbs up. -Oh, friend. New friend.

-Friend. -[Simon] Please be my friend.

-Oh, friend. -Oh, friend.

-Fuck you lot. Where's the beer? -We're out.

-I'm going to the loo. -What, for a wank? You wanker.

-Friend! -[Simon laughs]

See if you can find some more beer on the way back.

Check the washing machine. That's where I'd hide it.

No one ever puts any in the fridge.

Fucking hell, she has turned up.

This is now officially

the coolest party we have ever been to.

Try and look cool, then.

[Will] As expected, the kitchen was a booze-free zone.

Apart from one small beer in the washing machine,

which was presumably Neil's.

I assumed there wouldn't be any in the fridge,

but what the hell.

And to my surprise, I hit the jackpot!

-Think you've got my champagne. -Oh, God. Um...

Sorry.

You've opened it now. You might as well grab a glass.

Right, uh, yes. Thanks. Sorry.

Did you know the original champagne glass

is said to be modeled on Marie Antoinette's breast?

Do you always start off a conversation

by talking about breasts?

-No... How has it gone? -Quite badly.

Right.

-[Simon] She's amazing. -Who?

That girl. Her eyes are beautiful.

You get weird around girls, like a stalker.

-No, I don't. -Yeah, you do.

Where's that muppet with our drinks?

I haven't told my old friends

I've joined a state comprehensive yet.

They think I'm doing voluntary work for UNICEF.

[Charlotte laughs] You pretentious twat.

-[both giggle] -Oi! Did you get us any beers?

Hi, Jay.

Listen, if you really want a laugh,

you should chat with me.

-I'm 50 times funnier than him. -Is he for real?

-Regrettably, yes. -I'm totally for real.

Everybody knows I'm funnier.

Even you'd say so, wouldn't you, Will?

Uh, well, no, not really.

All right, funny boy, make me laugh.

Without undressing.

[imitates motor revving]

[vocalizing]

Crazy Frog.

Okay, uh, if Will ever stops being funny,

I'll let you know. Come on, you.

[Simon] What the hell is going on?

[Jay] Fuck knows.

Her and her mates must be having a snog a twat competition.

That can't be happening,

or someone would have claimed you.

This is brilliant news.

[Jay] How is Will getting off

with Charlotte Big Jugs brilliant news?

[Simon] It means things have changed.

Girls might be about to notice us for who we actually are.

-You're fucked. You're a twat. -Nice.

Oh, my God.

[Neil] I thought she was seeing someone in our year.

Yeah, I heard she was seeing Donovan.

No, who is it?

Is it Donovan, Neil?

He's a nutter and we should warn Will.

It's someone.

-Is it Donovan? -I can't think.

-Donovan? -Let me think.

-Donovan? -That guy...

-Donovan. -What's his name?

This isn't a practical joke, is it?

Because if it is, then I'm...I'm fine with that.

It would be nice to know so we can have a laugh about it,

admittedly at my expense, and then... get on with our lives.

-No, it's not a practical joke. -Oh, great, sure, no.

Didn't think that it was.

I liked that kiss.

So did I. And if you're lucky, you might get more.

Oh, my God, sex?

I'm not going to have sex with you, Will!

No, no, of course not.

How about we... don't have sex in here?

All right.

-Was it Donovan, Neil? -I'm trying to think who it was.

-Oh, yeah, it was Donovan. -You fucking idiot.

-Oh-ho! Will's dead. -Shit, we should do something.

[Jay] Well, after he gets beaten up,

we could take him to hospital.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

-Right, don't say anything. -Okay.

-All right? -Yep, yep. Yeah, I'm all right.

I heard your mate is with Charlotte.

Um... don't know. Don't think so.

-Yeah, they're upstairs. -Cheers.

What?

-So sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Dean. -That's okay, Mark.

Hope you're having a nice time. The loo's on the left.

Thank you very much.

-What are you doing here? -I came to see you.

Leave.

No, stay. Mark, it's finished.

-Now, please go. -No.

I'm not leaving till you tell me it's over and you mean it.

It's over and I mean it.

I think you should leave.

What, you're telling me to leave?

-Yes. -Or what?

-Please don't hit him. Just go. -Or what?

Mark, please. For me. Just go.

Yeah. Yeah, all right. I'm leaving, I'm leaving.

Good, because I was going to call Wendy's parents.

-Don't think that I won't. -Okay, mate, two things, yeah?

One, be nice to her, because she is kind and fragile and gentle,

not like people think.

And two... if you tell anyone I said that, I will kill you.

I will kill you!

[door slams shut]

What a dickhead.

Fucking hell, he's leaving.

No screams and he's not covered in blood.

Will must have got away with it.

Or Donovan killed them both silently.

She is so beautiful and she keeps looking at me.

She's only looking to see if you've stopped staring at her.

-She's still looking. -'Cause you're freaking her out.

I think we've got a connection. Her eyes. Why don't we go over?

No, I don't need to pull. I've got a sure thing lined up.

-A midweek wank? -No.

I've entered that charity blind date thing at school.

-That's tragic. -That's where you're wrong.

Because I get the choice

of three girls to take out on a date.

So I don't need to spend my Saturday

scaring girls like Simon does.

What if she's feeling the same and neither of us does anything?

She's fit and she's the year above.

She'll never go for you.

Look, Will, yeah, has pulled Charlotte Hinchcliffe.

Anything could happen tonight. I'm going over.

Go away.

[Will] With Simon's humiliation,

the party was over,

and some of us had done better than others.

I don't get it. Charlotte Tits could have had me,

and she went for that? Come on, then, what did you get?

Well, a gentleman never tells.

-A bender never tells. -Brilliant.

Look, come on, did you get a chew on her boobies or not?

-I can neither confirm nor deny. -Bender.

Don't listen to them. This is brilliant.

Are you seeing her again?

I've got to call her tomorrow. She said we should hook up soon.

[sighs happily] Amazing.

And don't tell my dad anything yet.

It'll only set him off.

'Course.

-[Alan] Good night? -No, boring.

-Will pulled. -Did you, Will? Good work.

Um... thanks.

When I was your age, I used to love house parties.

Getting off with some bird,

one of the rooms underneath the coats.

Dad, can we not?

Ah, in fact, I think I met your mum at a house party, Simon.

-Jesus Christ. -Ohh, she was wild.

She didn't just like keeping it upstairs.

No, we did it in the kitchen,

in the garage...

I think we notched one up in the greenhouse once.

-Stop the car, I'll walk home. -Oh, come on, Simon!

Me and your mum like doing it, too, you know.

[all exclaiming in disgust]

-They do it in your house, Si. -Dad.

-You're so embarrassing. -Oh, your mum loves it!

[Will] Two days had now passed since I kissed Charlotte,

which meant it probably wasn't a wet dream.

Hello, stranger. Hello, boys.

[Will] Pulling me at a party was one thing,

but how would she treat me at school?

Hi, hi. How are you? What have you been up to?

Well, on Sunday, me and Sarah went up to London,

bought some vibrating love eggs

and put them in on the train back.

And where did you eat in London?

Did you hear what I said?

Yep. It sounded like a private matter,

so I thought best not to intrude.

Does it intimidate you when I talk about sex?

No. Not at all.

I'm just interested in London restaurants and stuff.

You have had sex before, haven't you?

Yes. Yes. Loads. I've done it with two different girls.

I've had 11 lovers already.

Five girls, actually. Sorry, it was five, not two.

-All right, stud. Who were they? -A girl I met in Australia.

-Australia? -Yeah, I went there on holiday.

-When was that? -2005.

So you were 13?

-I was very mature for my age. -Older woman, was she?

She was a couple of years younger.

So she was 11?

Christ, no! I mean... yes...

I suppose she must have been.

-Jesus, 11. -And what about the other four?

Had they reached puberty?

God, yes, they were very recent.

One was a couple of weeks ago,

another one was... a few days ago.

I see. Well, I reckon you should come round on Friday night

and, you know...

God, you mean... you know... on Friday?

-Why not? It's no big deal. -Not a big deal.

I'm not a virgin, you're not a virgin.

-I'm so not a virgin. -I believe you.

What are you doing?

-I'm reading. -That's what I meant.

I don't know how anyone bothers with this shit.

It's like a slow version of TV.

-Then why bother? -For Blind Date.

It'll make me sound clever

if I say I read, and girls like clever blokes.

But once a girl speaks to you

she'll realize you're not a clever bloke.

Exactly, that's why I'm saying that I read books.

No, not exactly because you'll still seem stupid

even though you've lied about reading books.

Exactly.

Oh okay then, Neil, that clears it up. Good plan.

You coming round mine tonight, play Pro Evo?

Depends. Will your friend the footballer be there?

Aw, friend. Football friend.

Aw, best friends for ever and ever.

-Ohh, friend. -Fuck off, he's not my friend.

All right. You're touchy about your friends.

Come round mine. My dad's out.

-Oh, at last. -No, I mean going out.

-Cottaging? -No, he's playing badminton.

-Sounds like a euphemism. -We're not going round yours.

-Your house stinks. -Does not.

-It does smell odd. -Like what?

-It just smells like being poor. -Fuck off!

-Shit. -Charlotte again?

I don't why she doesn't just come over and say hello.

Because she doesn't want to be seen dead with you.

Well, on Friday she'll be doing

more than being seen dead with me.

-You're having sex? -Nice.

-Does she know you're a virgin? -Told her I got laid last week.

Last week? Shit.

Here's a tip for you. The more fingers up, the better.

They fucking love it. Try to get at least three.

What? I'm telling you, all the birds I've shagged love that.

So no birds love that, then.

-Well, your mum loved it. -Brilliant.

Knowing my luck, she'll have dumped me by Friday anyway.

Yeah, as she's using you to get back at Donovan.

-What? -It's obvious.

Everyone can see it.

It's still great for you

because you get a go on those fantastic tits.

-That's not true. -Yeah, it is.

No offense, but you don't look much like her type.

-She goes for big rugby players. -Fifteen at a time, sometimes.

Fuck off! Fuck off, the lot of you. You don't know her.

Listen, mate, I'm only trying to look after you.

You're just jealous because a fit girl fancies me and not you.

Come on, don't be a dick.

It's not all about looks.

Beautiful women like Charlotte understand that.

Maybe if you weren't so obsessed by that arsehole Carli,

who's just stringing you along, you'd see that.

Fine, get your stupid fucking heart broken, I don't care.

I've had mates before you

and I'll have mates after you've fucked off.

[Will] It was true. Simon still did have his old friends.

-[Jay] Books get me girls. -[Neil] Books! Books!

[Will] And he was welcome to them.

Books. Blind Date books.

[Jay imitating sex noises] Fuck the book with us, Simon.

[Will] Friday rolled around

and I was all dressed up for my,

you know, date with Charlotte.

-Bye, Mum. -Where are you off to?

-Just to meet a friend. -Is it a girl?

-No. -Is it a boy?

No! It's a girl, all right. Her name's Charlotte.

Charlotte! Is she pretty?

Yes. She's beautiful.

She's one of the most popular girls at school.

Oh, Will, don't go for the good-looking girls.

Everyone's after them.

Someone like you

will have much more of a chance if you go for plainer girls.

Someone like me?

Trust me, good-looking girls just break your heart.

Let good-looking boys go out with good-looking girls.

Are you saying you think I'm not good-looking?

Darling, I think you're beautiful.

Right.

Thanks, Mum. See you later.

Can you not?

-All right, Jay? -All right? Nice car.

Do you like it? Just got new rims for it.

-Yeah, it's well nice. -Aw, friend.

Oh, car friend.

Car friend, shall we play football?

I've just got to pop home,

but you can have a drive later, if you like.

-Yeah, maybe. Cheers. -[Neil] Thanks, friend.

-Car friend, football. -[Simon] Cheers, friend.

-See you later, then. -Yeah.

-He's not my fucking friend. -All right.

-Friend. -[laughs]

Friend. Friend.

-Where's your friend? -Friend.

Just to confirm, we are going to have sex?

-Yes, I can confirm that. -Told you, Mum.

-Did you just call me Mum? -No! No. God, no.

-Are you all right? -Yeah, I'm fine.

-Are you going to hurt me? -If you want me to.

-No. No, sorry, no, I meant... -I know what you meant, Will.

-Come on. -I really, really like you.

You know... I adore you.

-A lot. -I like you, too. Come on.

Will... stop. Look, don't move your whole body.

-Just move your hips, you know. -Right.

-Sorry. -Yeah, you know...

-Just my hips. -Yeah.

-How would that work? -Well, you sort of just...

Ugh, look, forget it.

You haven't done this before, have you?

No. Sorry, I lied. Shall we have another go?

I think the moment's gone, to be honest.

Sorry to ask... Have I just lost my virginity?

I'm not going to count that one.

Can I count it, though?

-Probably not, no. -Oh. Okay. Shall we cuddle?

I'm going to get dressed.

You should go before my mum gets back.

And, Will, don't tell your mates, yeah?

My mates? Not sure I have any.

Will you put your pants on, please?

-Friend. -Friend.

-Friend. -Made-up football friend.

Just give it a fucking rest, will you?

-Hello, isn't that friend's car? -Ohh, new-rims car friend.

I'll show you how much of a friend he is.

Fucking friend.

-Oh, friend, friend! -[car alarm blares]

Fucking football friend.

I never thought he'd get that wound up.

Yeah.

-Jay, what are you doing? -Oh, friend! Friend!

I'm not your fucking friend, all right? All right?

-Friend, friend, car friend... -So are they friends or not?

New car friend, let's go for a drive some time.

See you, friend. See you later, friend.

Friend, friend, friend, football friend.

[Will] Later that week, it was the school's Blind Date show

and I was there to see how Neil's

brilliant book reading plan went.

Even though I wasn't talking to him.

And finally, the same question to number three.

People say Anna Karenina

because of my aristocratic elbow,

but I'd secretly like to think I'm more Jane Eyre.

[students laugh]

Right, have you made your decision?

Um... I don't know.

Oh, come on! I know it's for charity,

but we've got another one to go. Get on with it.

Um...

Number three.

[students] Ohh...

She's doing her A-levels four years early

and she loves Russian literature. It's Susie!

[groans]

Hi, Charlotte, it's me, Will. I don't want to be a stalker,

but I was wondering if you could get back to me.

Just so you know, I'm on the mobile now

and not the home number.

Okay. Bye, then.

[Mr. Gilbert] Time for us to meet the boys,

so boys, out you come.

All right?

-Hurry up, no swearing. -All right?

-Where's your girlfriend, then? -She'll be here in a minute.

Right, we won't hang around, then.

Number one, what's your name and where do you come from?

I'm Nick, I'm from Twickenham...

-Have you got a girlfriend? -Yeah. Oh, yeah.

What's her name?

It's Charlotte Hinchcliffe, actually. She's a Year 13.

-Is she pretty? -Yes. She's very pretty, John.

-And do you love her? -Yeah. Yeah, I think I do.

So those are the boys.

Let's meet the lucky lady that gets to choose one of them.

It's Charlotte from Year 13.

Just like your girlfriend.

What's your name and why are you here?

My name's Charlotte Hinchcliffe and I'm here for a bit of fun.

That's your girlfriend. Why is she on a dating thing?

I don't know, John.

Tell us a bit about yourself, and keep it clean.

Well, I'm single. I've been messing around with a few boys

and now I'm looking for a real man

who's going to show me a good time.

I said keep it clean.

I'm looking for a big, strong man

who really knows what he's doing.

I won't tell you again. Okay, let's have your first question.

[Will] That was the end of my first love affair.

To date, my only love affair.

There was only one thing to do.

Run to my mum and cry.

I'm so sad.

I feel sad. You were right, Mum.

I know it hurts, petal, but it will get better, I promise.

I just started to make friends

and I dumped them all for this girl.

Why don't we move you to another school?

-Stop trying to make me move. -I don't want you bullied again.

I was not bullied.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, hello, Mrs. McKenzie. Is William in?

I'll leave you to it.

What?

Just wanted to know if you wanted to come out.

Um...

Neil's date is that weird girl

who's taking her A-levels four years early.

Turns out she's about 12. He's at Milwaukee Fried Chicken.

She's so young, her mum's had to go with her.

The three of them are sitting there around a bargain bucket.

-You should come. -That does sound quite funny.

-Mum, I'm off out. -Brilliant.

How's your football friend?

Ugh. I don't think we're friends any more.

I had to borrow 300 quid

to get his car fixed so he won't call the police.

It was amazing. You should have seen it.

He's a really nice bloke. I don't know why I did it.

You've got mental problems?

[all laugh]

[Will] I learnt many things from my first heartbreak.

I learnt a little about love...

Go away.

...a bit about anatomy, a lot about friendship...

Oh, friend! Fucking football friend!

...and nothing at all about sex...

Will, stop.

...apart from rubbing up against the perineum

doesn't count as losing your virginity.