Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[Will] So, I'm halfway through my first term in a new school.

Nice badge, dickhead.

[Will] And, well, it could've been worse.

I will get you.

-I still have all my limbs... -Hey!

Just.

-I've met loads of new people. -[vomiting]

And best of all, no one's tried to fuck my mum yet.

-She's fit. -She is fit.

Don't have a wank over my mum.

And unlike my old school, there were girls here.

And if there's one thing I now know about girls,

and let's face it,

there is only one thing I now know about girls

it's that boys who drive are a whole lot more attractive

than those who don't.

Careful...

[Will] As he was the oldest,

our chances of getting a car to impress the ladies

rested on Simon's shoulders.

[instructor] Gently does it.

[Will] Oh, and his stupid, uncoordinated size-ten feet.

Careful. Little bit more...

I'm just not great at parallel parking.

Bollocks!

[all laughing]

Shut up!

Si, it's me nan.

She wants to know if you want some help parking.

Steady on, boys. It's not easy for Simon.

Okay, let's try again.

[engine starting]

-[crashing] -[Simon] Oh.

Oh, shit!

Right. Um, okay. Off we go, Simon. Into first.

Shouldn't you leave a note?

[instructor] No, we're driving off.

Quickly now. Drive! Drive!

[Will] So it looked like it might be quite some time

before we were picking up girls in a car.

Oi, Jay, I have just had the best lesson ever.

Jack Stephens dropped his ruler next to Miss Timbs

and when she bent over to pick it up,

I saw loads of leg on the way down

and a little bit of tit on the way up.

You lucky git.

Oh, yeah, and it's all locked away

up here in the visual wank bank.

I thought you passed your written test?

I did. I've got the practical tomorrow.

I thought this might give me a few tips.

I don't think there is a section

on how not to be a whining little bitch.

Brilliant.

If you pass, we could go on a road trip.

Could do. We could see what Carli's doing and go with her?

Look, a car is like a mobile pulling machine.

Forget about Carli, forget about all the girls at this school.

There's a whole world of pussy out there.

He's right, although expressed it

-like a terrible misogynist. -Thank you.

Why don't you come to Thorpe Park?

There's always loads of birds there.

Oh, my God, yes!

Thorpe Park!

I can get you free tickets.

How?

-I work there. -Mopping up sick?

Some sick.

You never mentioned you work at Thorpe Park before?

I used to work at ASDA, you never asked about that.

-Your old man needs the money? -He doesn't, actually.

Paying for rent boys can't be cheap, Neil.

My dad's not bent.

Why's he paying for rent boys then?

-He's not! -What, they give him freebies?

I think we should lay off Neil a bit.

Is it right, Neil, that Thorpe Park

has one of only two pulley-launched coasters

outside North America?

-I don't know. -It is right.

I don't know if my dad will let me go.

What's it got to do with your dad?

He's paying for my car. He might not let me do long journeys yet.

Surely he'll want you to get sucked off

by a lovely on the teacup ride?

Are there really loads of girls there, Neil?

Oh, yeah.

Sometimes on the rides, their boobs pop out.

You only get a split second at tits,

they're going at about 70 mph, but it's still good, though.

This is perfect.

Simon passes his test, drives us to Thorpe Park,

Neil gets us freebies, and I get to ride--

A man's cock in the bushes.

The Nemesis Inferno.

This is going to be awesome.

If I pass my test.

[bell rings]

Roller coasters and tits, this is going to be brilliant.

If I pass my test!

[Will] Despite our excitement,

we knew it would take a miracle for Simon to pass his test.

But miracles often come in unlikely packages.

Hello, Simon.

I'm Tracey, your examiner for today's test.

Hello.

Don't look so nervous, I'm not going to eat you.

[chuckles]

So, how are you feeling? Ready to be, um, examined?

I'm a bit nervous.

It's perfectly natural, sweetheart.

We just need to... loosen you up.

Ease into it.

Now, the first part of the test is a doddle.

All you've got to do is sing out

the registration plate of that blue car.

Um... Okay. It's...

It's, um... E

O-S...

No, 5...

1...

C-U-Z.

Shit, it's a V not a U, isn't it?

Well, technically yes, but, um...

You get a pass on that one for having such pretty eyes.

Right, to the Batmobile, Robin.

-Sorry? -Off you pop to your car.

Nice.

Why don't you just let me help you with that?

So, Simon, have you got a girlfriend?

Is this part of the test?

No, but I will fail you if you say yes.

[chuckles] Right, just slip it into first

and pull out of the center slowly.

[engine starts, stalls]

Shit! I stalled it.

False start. Just relax. Try again.

[Tracey] Oh.

Oh, you're shaking.

I've failed, haven't I?

Shush, silly. No one's going to fail here.

Um, right, I'm... I'm not sure

that's helping with the nerves, actually.

Simon, if you don't want my help, you've only to say.

But trust me, I know how difficult this test can be.

[engine starting]

Good boy. You steer, and I'll do the pedals.

That's the tricky bit.

[Will] Simon never did tell us

what happened on his driving test.

I passed!

-Yay! -I passed!

First time. So you owe me that, you little shit.

-Hey, I didn't shake on it. -A bet's a bet. Unlucky!

Oh, well done, Simon. We knew you'd pass.

Your dad's just bringing round your new car.

Oh, God, Mum, this is brilliant!

That is not fair.

-You're not allowed to touch it. -Well, we're very proud of you.

It's a Fiat or something, but he says it is second-hand.

God, Mum, that doesn't matter. This is so cool.

[horn honking]

[laughing]

That is the gayest car I've ever seen.

Oh, no...

Dad. Really?

Really?

It might not look much, but it's a great little runner.

You won't be able to get up enough speed to kill yourself.

I don't want it.

Come on, it's a special edition.

A Hawaii. I bet your mates at school will think it's cool.

I can't go to school in it!

Well, if I was a girl,

I'd think whoever drove this was pretty trendy.

Are you trying to wind me up? Why are you saying these things?

I think you should just be a bit more grateful, to be honest.

Oh, Christ, it's got a tape deck.

See, that's good.

No, it's not! You can't even buy tapes anymore.

Oh, you're being melodramatic again.

Now, why don't you go and show Will?

I bet he'll be jealous.

Yeah, he'll be really jealous of how yellow it is.

And be careful,

that's the most valuable present you'll ever get.

-I fucking hope not. -I heard that!

[Will] The good news was that Simon had passed.

The not-so-good news

was bright yellow and parked in my driveway.

Well, I don't think it's too bad.

It's not great, though, is it?

No. But don't look at the external realities, think of

-the immense possibilities. -What?

Yes, it's a Cinquecento Hawaii, but it's also freedom.

It's the possibility of driving our own destiny.

We can be what we want now,

push our lives literally in the direction we want them to...

Oh, Christ, is that a tape deck?

-Check out the Bendermobile. -It looks like a pedo's car.

He's jealous 'cause his family haven't discovered fire yet.

-You fucking what, McKenzie? -Nothing.

Oh, hello, Mrs. McKenzie.

Oh, hello, Mark. Is this your car?

No, it's Cooper's.

Oh.

-Shame about the color, Simon. -Right.

Um, Mum, we're just off to Thorpe Park.

We're running a bit late so we should probably go now.

Thorpe Park? To ride roller coasters? Is it safe?

Yes, it's incredibly safe.

Won't you be frightened?

You cried when you went on the Ghost Train.

[laughing]

I was five years old! Mum, please!

[Mrs. McKenzie] I just worry about you, petal.

Ooh, actually, I should get you a jumper.

Go! Just drive before she gets back.

[engine starting]

[Will] Simon's dad needn't have worried.

There was no danger of him

getting up enough speed to kill himself,

despite the fact Thorpe Park

would be shutting in a few hours.

-Where's your new car, Si? -Round here.

Fuck me!

Do you get a free Barbie when you buy one of these? Shotgun!

-After you. -I called shotgun.

-What? -Shotgun.

It means I get the front seat.

In what way could it possibly mean that?

It just does.

Look, we drove over here with me in the front seat.

We've come to pick you up, we've picked you up.

Now in you get and I'll return to my previous position.

It's not happening, freak. I called shotgun.

-He's right, he did call it. -What?

-You're backing him? -Get in the back, Will.

Ow! All right, I'm getting in. Get off!

I'm hyperreflexic, my bones will pop out.

[Will] So we had a car.

It was a shit car, but it was still a car.

All we needed now was some girls.

Aye! Up ahead, a car full of muff!

Pull alongside them, Si.

I can't. I'm not turning left. It's against the Highway Code.

-Well, just beep them. -No.

-Don't be such a pussy! -Oi! No! Get off!

All right, all right.

-[horn honking] -[groans]

Hello, lovelies! Follow them.

[Simon] All right, I suppose.

[engine sputters]

[Simon] Shit, I stalled it.

Oh, you dickhead. They're getting away.

You make it sound like we're about to attack them.

I can't believe you lost the muff wagon.

What were we going to do anyway?

Follow them until they're forced to drive to a police station?

[Jay] They love it, you tool. It's called flirting.

Yeah, a terrifying and unsolicited form of flirting.

If you didn't drive like such an old woman,

we might actually catch up with them.

I'm not going to risk our necks for some random girls.

I'd give a left bollock for them.

So get a fucking move on.

I think that's them up ahead.

Yes! We've caught up with them. Do a left.

-What're you doing? Pull out. -No.

[Will] There's a space, you can go now.

[Simon] No, it's not safe.

Are you winding me up? Look, go now!

[Will] Thorpe Park is going to be closing soon, Si.

Look, fuck off, all right! I've just passed my test.

I'm not gonna crash

'cause you twats can't wait two minutes.

Just fucking go!

-There's a gap! Quickly! -All right! For fuck's sake!

[imperceptible]

Oh, shit.

[Simon] Now look what you've made me do.

Oh, God!

Why are they going so fucking slowly?

Yeah, I mean, it's almost as if they don't want to see

their dearly departed fly out the back onto the A320.

[Simon] Oh, God!

[Will] It wasn't a great start to our first road trip

and knowing our luck, they'd be burying him at Thorpe Park.

It's fair to say

overtaking dead bodies wasn't Simon's strong point.

By the time we finally got to Thorpe Park,

we only had two hours

of valuable roller coaster time left.

I can't believe you lost the muff, you bellend.

They were giving us the come-on.

Yeah, by driving away as fast as possible.

They wanted us to chase them.

But it's hard to have a chase when you don't go over 30.

It's 30 for a reason.

Look, I think we should remember

-today's about roller coasters. -[clutch plate rattles]

And Simon's got us here safely.

I thought it was about me, passing my test.

Yes. As well.

But mainly it's about Nemesis Inferno.

No, today's about tits.

-And we are in luck. Get them. -[Simon] Right.

[Jay] Park it!

-Quickly, you dickhead. -Fuck off!

I'm not waiting any longer.

Oh, no!

Oh, shit!

Oh, dear. Your dad's not going to be pleased, is he?

God, look what you've done. Christ, I've only had it a day!

Oh, you're in the shit!

-Where you going? -My dad's going to go mental.

-I've got to get this fixed. -But the roller coasters.

I don't care. I have to get this fixed.

But Simon, we've come so far.

Neil's sister's boyfriend is a mechanic. He'll fix it.

-Is he? -Well, there you go, then!

We'll go and find Neil,

his sister's boyfriend will fix the car,

and your dad will be none the wiser.

As we've traveled all this way,

we might as well enjoy the rides.

But my car...

Simon, look at me. Look at me!

I guarantee the Nemesis Inferno will cheer you up.

Or think about them lovelies.

They're in there with their tits and that.

Come on, let's go and find Neil for you.

Can't we just phone him?

He's at work, Si. He can't take personal calls.

We're going to have to go in, if we want to talk to him.

What about my car door? What if someone nicks it?

We'll take it with us.

They'll definitely have a place to store it.

[sighs] Fine. For fuck's sake.

We have baby-changing

and disabled access for limited rides.

Right.

Not really what I asked, though.

We don't have anywhere to store car doors.

Turns out they don't have anywhere to store car doors.

Knew it. Fine. We'll take turns carrying it, then.

I'm not carrying it.

Fuck not carrying it. You're paying for it as well, mate.

Me? Why?

-Because you ripped it off. -You reversed!

But you're the one who ripped it off!

Hey! Let's not argue.

Let's just get in there, have some fun.

Face it. If you could park properly,

this wouldn't have happened.

Yeah? I'm the only one who can drive, so you can fuck off.

I can drive. I took an army driving course when I was ten.

Bollocks, you still wet the bed when you were ten.

[Jay] Yeah, I wet your mum's bed, with my spunk.

[Simon] Yeah, brilliant.

[Will] When we got into the park,

I realized it had been worth ruining

a dignified man's funeral for.

It was amazing.

We may have lost the, hmm, tits,

but the roller coaster was still in our sights.

First up, we had to find Neil,

if only to stop Simon bitching about his car.

-I'm not paying for it. -Yes, you are.

-Good luck with that. -[Will] Let's just find Neil.

What's that?

[gibbering]

Are you all right, Mr. Monkey?

-[grunts] It hurts! -Does he need help?

Help! Help!

Not up my nose! Not my nose!

-He's gone mental. -[Will] Poor fucker.

-A wasp! -Neil!

Wasp! In me costume!

[all laughing]

Oh, God, that hurts.

Stupid bloody wasps!

Neil, I need to speak to you about your sister's boyfriend.

Oh, Jesus, Neil!

Christ, you're naked under there.

[Jay groans]

I don't think it's a good idea to be naked

if you're working with kids.

Mr. Monkey isn't naked. He's got a waistcoat and a hat.

No, not Mr. Monkey, Neil. You.

-But I'm in the suit. -Yes, naked.

Look, I'm in agony here.

Put some of that cream on my stings.

-God, all right, then. -The worst ones are on my back.

And arse.

[Jay] Fuck that! Look, you lot can stay here

and finger Neil's arse if you want to,

but I'm off to find the clunge.

Neil, seriously, can you put it away, so we can talk?

Put some clothes on.

All right. All right.

Oh, not again. [laughs]

-What? -They're always doing this.

They're bonkers. They've nicked my clothes.

Where would they put them?

I don't know. Last time this happened, they burnt them.

Burnt them?

Please hurry up. We can't go on the roller coaster

if you're naked.

Don't worry. I'll get something out of the lost property bin.

There's always stuff in there.

[Will] With the stench from Neil's arse

still hot in my nostrils, we headed for Nemesis.

Though technically dressed,

the clothes Neil had picked from lost property

made him look surprisingly like a Brazilian male prostitute.

I've just seen the clunge head towards Nemesis.

Sounds like they're thrill-seekers, too.

I hope they're cock-seekers, too.

-Brilliant. -See you.

Neil, I seriously need to speak to you about my car.

What?

Your sister's boyfriend works in a garage, doesn't he?

-Yeah, he works in a garage. -Will he be working tonight?

Probably, he works most evenings.

Brilliant, perfect, that's sorted.

The park's about to close so we'll go on Nemesis now

and deal with the car later. But we'll go on Nemesis now.

I suppose so.

[cell phone ringing]

Oh.

Hello.

Yes, I got your text.

Yes, I'm safe.

-No, I'm not crying. -[Simon chuckles]

[Will] So far, the only terrifying experience

I'd had all day was seeing Neil's cock and balls,

but now the Nemesis Inferno was tantalizingly close.

[male announcer]This is your last chance

to queue for Nemesis Inferno.

The ride is now closing.

-Shit, still an hour queue. -That's nothing.

I once waited three hours

for the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland Paris.

-You are mental. -Mental.

Why is enjoying things mental?

This place is full of muff,

but you're only interested in roller coasters.

Girls are everywhere, Jay.

The best rides in the country are only here.

You sound like you're 40.

I'm queuing. And I'm getting in a separate queue

for the front four seats. The front's the best.

The ride is now closing.

Si, are you coming?

You sure your sister's boyfriend will be working tonight, Neil?

Yeah, I told you he works evenings.

Well, that's sorted then! Now, can we please get on the ride?

[Jay] Shotgun the outside seats.

[Will] No, you can't shotgun a roller coaster.

[Jay] Well, I just did.

Oh, yes!

You know this is one of the only two versions

of this roller coaster outside of the US?

And I promise,

although it's taken a little bit longer...

Half a fucking hour longer.

...to queue for the front, it will be worth it.

Unencumbered thrills.

And we can come back all year thanks to Neil.

-Come on, we're up. -Room for one more at the front.

-Sorry? -One more at the front.

How can there possibly be room for only one more at the front?

Well, there's three people on the front

so there's a spare seat there.

Yeah, let's just rewind a bit, shall we?

Why are there now three people at the front?

-Sir, if you could just get on. -They've pushed in.

We spent over an hour

queuing specifically for the front and they've pushed in.

-Sir... -Get them off!

Get them off and make them move!

Fucking pushing in.

It doesn't matter. We'll sit at the back.

Sir--

Are they so dumb they think it's okay to push in!

Make them move!

Shut up, you plum, and get on the ride.

Sir, it's the last ride of the day. Please get on.

Will, honestly, it doesn't matter. Just get on.

Fine! Fucking fine!

I'll just get on and sit at the front

next to these inconsiderate arseholes.

I'm the worst human being in the world.

[people screaming]

[Will] When I look back on my life,

I'm pretty sure that ride will be a low point.

With a bit of luck,

the others wouldn't find out who I'd insulted.

[Simon] They were on the front?

Oh, no, Will.

Oh, my God.

-Will... -Oh, my God.

-Don't! -[Simon] Arseholes?

-This is the best! -You're going to hell.

[Will] Please don't.

[Will] So I'd finally got to ride the Nemesis,

which wasn't as much fun as I'd hoped.

It would be a long journey home,

made longer by Simon carrying the door

and my heavy sense of shame.

Well, it can't be too hard to find.

It's the color of my nan's piss.

Why are you watching your nan piss?

Oh, Christ! What am I going to say to my parents?

Will the door go back on?

Stop shitting yourself.

Neil said his sister's boyfriend will be able to fix it.

No, he won't be able to fix that.

What?

You said he'd be able to fix it. You said he worked in a garage.

He does, BP garage.

He mucks about with cars,

but he won't be able to fix that in a million years.

The door's come off.

This is a disaster. My dad's going to go mad.

It'll be fine. We'll find someone else to fix it.

I know a bloke who builds Formula One cars.

He owes me a favor.

Your make-believe friend can't fix it.

We'll find a mechanic on the way back.

It can't be too hard.

As long as it's fixed good as new,

and my parents don't know, that's all I care about.

Over here it is, car park D.

Ah.

Oh, dear.

What the fuck has happened?

Holy shit! What's happened?

At least they left the tape deck.

[Simon] I don't believe this.

There's no explaining this to my dad.

I mean, who and why?

[horn honking]

Yes, that makes sense.

Fuckers, let's get them.

Jay, I'm not going to chase after

and then fight the Happy Foundation bus.

How are we getting home, then?

[Will] It's true. Girls do like cars.

They just don't like shitty little yellow cars

that ruin funerals

and don't have all the doors they were made with.

Girls are also less keen on boys who wear Speedos,

borderline sex pests,

and people who insult the disabled.

Inconsiderate arseholes!

But it's not all bad.

What we learned today is there isn't a car on the planet

that can make us cool, whatever state it was in.

Dad... What you need to know is it wasn't my fault.

Well, I'm sorry, but it wasn't my fault!

♪ I've just had The craziest week ♪

♪ Like a party bag of lies Booze and then deceit ♪

♪ So I'm moving to New York ♪

♪ 'Cause I've got issues With my sleep ♪

♪ Looks like Christmas came early ♪

♪ Christmas came early for me ♪