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[theme music playing]
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00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:23,840
[Will] The local park,
3
00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:25,680
where people come
to play football,
4
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:27,080
hang out with their friends,
5
00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:29,760
and most importantly,
let their dogs shit.
6
00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:33,240
It's not a cool place,
admittedly,
7
00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,240
but it is a good place
to stare at girls.
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00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:36,160
And if anything is worth
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00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:38,280
braving this
dog-shit minefield for,
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00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:39,840
it's staring at girls.
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00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:42,280
You lot are so gay.
Why aren't we playing football?
12
00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:45,040
Chasing men around a field
with your top off,
13
00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:46,240
what could be
more gay than that?
14
00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:47,240
You.
15
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,160
Brilliant.
Anyway, we're playing Frisbee
16
00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:50,480
because girls can join in.
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00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:53,360
Trust me, girls love this.
18
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:56,760
Border Collies love this. You're
just scared to play football
19
00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,440
in case Donovan joins in
and breaks your legs.
20
00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:02,360
-That's not true.
-Oh, my God.
21
00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:04,960
Check out the Jugasaurus Rex!
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Shit! And it's Carli.
23
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Perfect. Watch this.
24
00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:14,080
Carli!
25
00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:17,360
Carli! Catch!
26
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:26,880
Oh, fuck.
27
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:28,240
[yelps]
28
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:31,760
Oh, my God. I'm sorry!
29
00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,880
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.
30
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,400
I'm really, really sorry.
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[speaking other language]
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[girl crying]
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So as I say, I'm sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.
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00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:51,680
It's fine. You've apologized
about 30 times. Come on.
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00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:53,440
I'm going to get my Frisbee.
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00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:57,000
[girl yelling]
37
00:01:57,080 --> 00:02:00,680
Hey! Those wankers are nicking
that girl's Frisbee. Hey!
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00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:04,200
It's my Frisbee! I've got a
receipt!
39
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:08,040
I've got a receipt!
40
00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:09,960
And so, in what I can only
describe
41
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:11,560
as an attack of Frisbee rage,
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00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:14,440
once again we found ourselves
running from Donovan.
43
00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:15,960
All right?
44
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:18,160
-Not really.
-What's up?
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00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:19,360
Well, think back, Neil.
46
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,040
Last time you saw us,
before you legged it,
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00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:23,480
a Frisbee was heading
towards a disabled girl's face.
48
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,280
Oh, did it hit her
in the face then?
49
00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:26,160
Bingo!
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00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:27,560
Was the girl in the wheelchair
all right?
51
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:30,520
I don't want to talk about it.
I've lost my Frisbee Aero B Pro.
52
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,360
Is the gayest sentence ever.
53
00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:34,760
That's it. We can't
bunk off tomorrow now.
54
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:36,720
-Why?
-Because it's bad karma.
55
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,040
For hitting a spastic.
Well, it could be a sign.
56
00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,120
A sign that you've
shit your pants?
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00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:42,440
I'll see you tomorrow.
I'm heading home.
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00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,000
To wank over your mum's bras?
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00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,480
Well, as she's my mum,
probably not.
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00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:51,400
-Good, can I have them then?
-No. But you can have, um, that.
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00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:53,320
And that.
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00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,040
-See you tomorrow.
-[Simon] See you.
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00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,480
[Will] I'd only been
in state education a month
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00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:58,520
and yet the next morning,
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00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,400
I found myself
ready to break the law.
66
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:01,960
Okay,
it was the truancy law,
67
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:04,480
but it was still
the worst thing I'd ever done.
68
00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:07,880
-Hello, William.
-Hi, Mrs. Cooper. Is Simon in?
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00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,960
Yes, unless he ran away in the
middle of the night. Simon!
70
00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:13,840
Yes. All right, Will, come in.
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00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:17,720
Why aren't you in uniform?
72
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:22,360
We're sorry, Mrs. Cooper,
it was Jay's idea--
73
00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,880
Sorry, we forgot to tell you it
was a non-uniform day.
74
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,640
-No, it's not. Bye.
-Yes, it is.
75
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:30,760
For Years 12 and 13.
It is, you little shit!
76
00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:35,080
Right, so it's a Year 12
non-uniform day?
77
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,120
For Christ's sake,
Simon, you're 17 now,
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00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:40,400
I don't want to play
these stupid games.
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00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:42,600
It's a bloody non-uniform day,
all right?
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00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:45,240
I don't believe you. Will?
81
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:48,480
Yes, it's a non-uniform day.
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00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:51,800
-See?
-Fine. Fine.
83
00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:55,160
But if you've lied to me
I won't be angry,
84
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:57,800
I will be really, really
disappointed.
85
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:05,920
[exclaims]
86
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:08,320
How stupid is she
that she totally believed us?
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00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:09,640
That's my mum.
88
00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:11,720
Sorry, did you see the way
I just lied to her?
89
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:13,080
I totally did it.
90
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:14,400
We're bunking off.
91
00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:16,960
-Who are you calling?
-School.
92
00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:19,160
I'll just say we're ill
and won't be in today.
93
00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:21,200
No, really. Who are you calling?
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00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:23,560
Don't shit your pants. I'm only
phoning the school secretary,
95
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:24,760
not fucking MI5.
96
00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:27,640
Hello, this is Mrs. Cooper,
Simon's mother. Year 12.
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00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,040
Simon and William MacKenzie
have food poisoning.
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00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:31,160
Must have been the chicken.
99
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:32,240
You're putting on
your mum's voice?
100
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,600
I'm sorry. Mrs. Cooper,
now you say your son is ill?
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00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:37,120
-Yes.-Well, Mr. Gilbert,
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00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:40,560
the Head of Sixth is just here.
I'll pass him over. Hold on.
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00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:42,000
No, there's really no need.
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00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:44,560
If we hurry, we can still
make it in time for English.
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00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:45,960
Hello?
106
00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:48,200
Hello, this is Mrs. Cooper.
Simon and his friend, William,
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00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:50,120
are ill. Goodbye.
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00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:52,000
-Mrs. Cooper?-Yes.
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00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:53,560
What exactly
is wrong with Simon?
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Food poisoning.
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00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,040
Okay, Simon,
I know you're bullshitting me.
112
00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:58,720
I think you'd better get in
to school.
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00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,120
Cheers. All the best. God bless.
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00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,560
-Get in before you make me--
-[disconnects phone]
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Well, that was fucking dreadful.
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00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:10,200
-I think he bought it, though.
-In what way did he buy it?
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00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:12,640
I think he thought that was my
mum.
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00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:16,640
[Will] So, with our terrible
alibi in place,
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00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,360
phase two of the plan
was how to get some booze.
120
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:20,960
You look like you're on day
release.
121
00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:22,520
They'll never serve you.
122
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,000
-Ohh, what about this one?
-No, not one of his suits.
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00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:26,360
He'll go mental if he finds out.
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00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:28,480
-Shirts.
-Not the suit.
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00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:30,320
-Yes!
-Not the suit.
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00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:32,680
[Will] And so in Simon's dad's
suit,
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00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:34,760
and looking a bit
like a Hasidic Jew,
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00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,360
we headed
for the off-license.
129
00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:39,320
What are you wearing?
130
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,560
The suit's my dad's.
He insisted.
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00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,200
-The hat's his though.
-What a bellend!
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00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:46,640
I'm just an adult man
stocking up on booze.
133
00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:48,760
This'll work. £10 each, please.
134
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:53,400
And as none of you offered to do
it, you can fuck off.
135
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:54,760
-What?
-Nothing.
136
00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:56,440
[Will] Unlike those morons,
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I knew the key to getting
served was confidence.
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00:05:58,480 --> 00:05:59,280
[shop door opens]
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00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:01,840
Good day.
140
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,240
Sorry?
141
00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:05,400
Good day.
142
00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:07,120
Ah.
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00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:08,840
Hello.
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00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:11,520
Pow.
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00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:14,600
-Oh, shit.
-What?
146
00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:15,680
Nothing.
147
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,400
It's Carli's mum, isn't it?
Oi!
148
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:20,360
Jay, please, don't.
She'll recognize me.
149
00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:22,120
He wants to suck your Carli's
tits!
150
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:25,680
[Simon] Unbelievable.
151
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:28,520
[Will] The key is
to let the shop owner
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00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:29,760
know who's in control.
153
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,480
It like a Jedi mind trick.
154
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:35,120
I am an adult.
You will serve me.
155
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:37,000
-Can I help at all?
-Yes.
156
00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:41,720
I am a man who has recently
bought a house in the local area
157
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,360
and I'm having a house-warming
party
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00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:49,080
to which I'll be inviting
a lot of the local adults to.
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00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,560
-Uh, hence the crisps.
-Yes.
160
00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:56,880
And I'll also probably need
some...
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00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:01,760
alcohol as well. As well as the
crisps, et cetera.
162
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:03,240
Right. What are you looking for?
163
00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:08,640
Some Beefeater gin.
164
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:12,800
-Okay. How about two bottles?
-Excellent.
165
00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:14,080
-Some wine?
-Christ, no.
166
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:15,280
We're not made of money.
167
00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:18,120
And I'll have some extra-strong
mints.
168
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:20,480
For those who are
drink-driving.
169
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:21,680
Right.
170
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:24,760
That comes to £29.50.
Anything else?
171
00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:25,640
-What's on special?
172
00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:27,880
I'll give you a bottle of
Drambuie for a tenner
173
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,520
if you pay and are out the shop
in five seconds.
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00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,800
Done. My good man.
175
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:35,600
I shall invite you to the party.
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00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,400
-Mission accomplished.
-What's in all the bags then?
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00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:45,480
Just something to soak up the
alcohol.
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00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:47,800
-Crisps?
-Where's the beer?
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00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:50,680
Have you spent all our money
on fancy fucking crisps?
180
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,640
-You twat.
-What the fuck's this?
181
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,520
-Drambuie.
-What's Drambuie?
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00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:58,000
-It's whisky-based liqueur.
-What's a liqueur?
183
00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,320
-It's what benders drink.
-Why have we got that then?
184
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:01,320
'Cause we're heading to yours
185
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:02,680
and it's your dad's
favorite drink.
186
00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:03,680
My dad's not bent.
187
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:05,440
-He is a bit though.
-He's fucking not.
188
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,080
Right, let's look at the
evidence.
189
00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:09,600
One, your mum left him
because he loves cock.
190
00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:11,920
That's not true.
She was in a difficult place.
191
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,160
-In bed with a bender.
-Your dad, who is a bender.
192
00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:17,040
Two, he wears tight denim shorts
to do the gardening.
193
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:19,560
And the only night he goes out
all week is Wednesday
194
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:21,800
-and that's to play badminton.
-[laughs]
195
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,520
Right, my dad's not bent
196
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:25,200
because he's got hundreds of
porn mags at home
197
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:26,080
and it's all straight.
198
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,040
-All straight?
-Some lesbian.
199
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:29,640
We should go and have
a look then, in that case.
200
00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:31,120
Fine, come on then.
201
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:34,000
This should be good.
I bet it's 90% cock.
202
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:39,400
They must be around here.
203
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:40,600
I don't know where
they could have gone.
204
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:42,600
Maybe he swapped them
for an Abba boxset.
205
00:08:42,680 --> 00:08:46,000
No, he probably shoved them
up his arse. Drink!
206
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,560
-So, what we going to do today?
-We can do
207
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,560
anything we fucking well please.
208
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,200
Yeah, but specifically,
what do we do?
209
00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:57,400
We could get some birds.
210
00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:00,240
Yeah, let's get some girls.
Great. Where are all the girls?
211
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:01,200
At school.
212
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:02,600
We'll wait for them
to get out then.
213
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:04,360
We're not gonna do anything
until half three?
214
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:05,520
We could have just
gone to school.
215
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,840
We can't fucking do this. Drink!
216
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,800
Hello, Mrs. Cooper?
Sorry to bother you at work.
217
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:16,440
This is Mr. Gilbert,
Simon's Head of Sixth.
218
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,920
You know, your mum is so fit,
Will,
219
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,440
I reckon she could b
e a prostitute.
220
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,400
Thanks.
221
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,160
Have you wanked over Will's mum?
222
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,080
No. Not yet.
223
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,200
Please don't have a wank over my
mum.
224
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:31,240
I can't promise that,
I'm afraid.
225
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:34,000
Yes, hello. Is that Mrs.
MacKenzie, William's mother?
226
00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:36,240
Right, can I just check
something with you, please?
227
00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:37,840
When we go away with the Caravan
Club,
228
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:39,480
there's this bird and her sister
229
00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:41,400
who I've shagged
for about two years.
230
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,560
Sometimes I get them to strum
themselves while I watch.
231
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,080
Sorry, did you say
you go on holiday in a caravan?
232
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,920
-With the Caravan Club.
-In a caravan like a gypo?
233
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:54,960
If my mum told me we were going
caravanning I'd call ChildLine.
234
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,800
Shows how much you know,
because it's a sense of freedom
235
00:09:57,880 --> 00:09:59,680
that you don't get with other
holidays.
236
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,680
It's a sense of shitting in a
bucket in a cupboard
237
00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:03,400
you don't get with other
holidays, in England,
238
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:04,520
with your parents.
239
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:07,320
Actually, it's a well-known fact
that the Caravan Club
240
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,640
is like a sex club all over
Europe,
241
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:12,720
which is why I've lost my cherry
and none of you sad acts have.
242
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:14,200
I could've got laid loads of
times.
243
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,360
-No, you couldn't.
-Yeah, I could, actually.
244
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:18,120
But I want to lose it
with someone I love.
245
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,320
-What? Like Carli?
-Maybe I do love Carli.
246
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:25,120
She's gorgeous, she's smart,
she's amazing.
247
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,800
Probably worth mentioning to her
then,
248
00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:28,440
if that's the way you feel.
249
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:31,760
Yeah, why not mention it? Worst
that can happen you get nothing.
250
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,520
Best that can happen,
you get stinky fingers.
251
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:38,880
You really are one of the most
disgusting humans I've ever met.
252
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:41,720
Look out. Prince Harry's had a
few drinks
253
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:42,600
and now he thinks he's hard!
254
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:43,600
I am hard.
255
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:45,040
So, all this being scared
of teachers
256
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,920
and brown-nosing everyone's
parents is just an act, is it?
257
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,480
-I don't brown-nose anyone!
-You do a bit.
258
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:53,800
-Good manners cost nothing.
-A good shag costs nothing!
259
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:56,200
A good shag with Carli.
260
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,000
♪ Carli's fanny on your face
On your face ♪
261
00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:00,520
♪ Carli's fanny on your face ♪
262
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:03,920
I keep catching myself on it.
It's a bloody menace.
263
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,200
Hang on, I think someone's in.
264
00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:07,800
♪ And your bellend ♪
265
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:10,920
♪ Carli's fanny on your face
On your face ♪
266
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,880
Neil! What the hell is going on?
267
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:17,360
Ugh! This place smells like
a brewery and not a nice one.
268
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:19,880
Jay, there is always trouble
when you're around,
269
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,040
but, Will, I'm especially
surprised at you.
270
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:23,760
I'm so sorry, Steve.
271
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:25,440
Oh, piss off!
272
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:29,240
What? Don't talk to me like that
in my own house!
273
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:33,680
I'm so sorry, my manners.
Piss off, please.
274
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:35,320
I've had enough of your lip.
275
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:36,800
Oh, you'd like my lip,
wouldn't you?
276
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:40,400
Right round your bellend, if Mr.
Chippy doesn't get there first.
277
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,840
What's he going to knock up? A
closet for you to hide in,
278
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:45,400
you bumder?
279
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:54,120
[Kevin yelling indistinctly]
280
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,600
[Will] In hindsight, I might
have taken it a bit too far.
281
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,240
Amazing!
282
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,120
Jesus Christ. "Bumder"?
283
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,480
Yeah, fair play to you, that was
pretty special. "Bumder"!
284
00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:07,920
It's a mixture of "bummer"
and "bender".
285
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:11,440
I think he'll be all right about
it, though. He can take a joke.
286
00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:13,240
That was taken as a joke.
287
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:16,600
"My lips around your bellend"?
Yeah, it should be fine.
288
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:18,440
I love Carli.
289
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:21,480
I love Carli.
290
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:24,040
Shit, I've got to tell her.
What if she feels the same?
291
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:25,520
Seems fairly unlikely.
292
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:27,200
Life is about these moments.
293
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,960
It's the things
you don't do you regret.
294
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:31,120
Is the kind of cavalier
philosophy that caused my father
295
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,080
to leave my mother.
296
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:33,600
-You go for it.
-Bumder.
297
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:35,800
And so we headed for Carli's
house.
298
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:36,880
[laughing]
299
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:39,400
I feel a bit stupid doing this.
This is fine, isn't it?
300
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:41,480
-Yeah. Definitely.
-Yeah.
301
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:43,240
You would tell me
if I was being a dick?
302
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,400
-Of course I would.
-Yeah, yeah.
303
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:46,480
[Will] I think
writing her surname
304
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:48,240
is particularly important.
305
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:49,280
I mean, it is her drive,
306
00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:51,280
but you wouldn't want
any Carli-based confusion.
307
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:54,360
I reckon if you put a kiss,
she'll definitely suck you off.
308
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,480
-What the fuck is that?
-What?
309
00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:58,560
Simon, why are you vandalizing
my drive?
310
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:00,400
Um...
311
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,240
What does it say? You love me?
312
00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:05,040
Look, I can easily wash it off
313
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:06,840
and we can just pretend
it never happened,
314
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:10,040
and I could not tell anyone
and you could not tell anyone.
315
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,080
And my mates could not tell
anyone and, most importantly,
316
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:13,760
your mates could not tell
anyone.
317
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:15,280
Simon, we've known each other
for ages.
318
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,080
-Why are you doing this now?
-Um...
319
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:18,280
We were playing dares?
320
00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:21,000
Did someone dare you
to be the world's biggest saddo?
321
00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:24,240
So what? You are in love with
me?
322
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:26,880
This couldn't have gone any
better.
323
00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:30,280
Actually, I think
this is pretty cool, Simon.
324
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:33,400
Sort of artistic.
It's like Banksy or something.
325
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:34,800
Why don't you come over to mine
tonight,
326
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,000
I'm babysitting for my brother,
327
00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:37,480
and we can sort this out then?
328
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:39,760
-Really?
-Yeah, come round about 8:00.
329
00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:41,240
My folks will be out by then.
330
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,760
Probably best to avoid them
until this has washed away.
331
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:45,880
Um, yeah, I'm not sure
this washes away--
332
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,280
Whatever. I'll see you later.
333
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:51,520
Yes!
334
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:54,440
Incredibly, I think
you might be in there.
335
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:56,480
Of course he's in there.
She's wet for you, mate.
336
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:58,320
I cannot believe this worked.
337
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,720
Maybe she was impressed
by your artistic side.
338
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:02,600
No, bollocks. It's because
you're drunk.
339
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:04,000
Do you think so?
340
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,480
Yes, it's because you're wasted.
Like Pete Doherty?
341
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:07,520
Girls love it.
342
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:09,720
I think Pete Doherty
is on heroin.
343
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,680
I'm not sure
I should do heroin, Jay.
344
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:15,040
[Jay] Right, vodka, whisky,
and a load of creme de menthe.
345
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,800
When she sees you after this,
she'll be frothing at the gash.
346
00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:19,400
Are you sure my dad
won't notice?
347
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:20,680
No, he'll never tell.
348
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,240
I think he might as his whisky
now tastes of apple juice.
349
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,240
Look, it'll be worth it.
350
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:26,880
-What's that?
-Fuck off!
351
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,840
-What have you got there?
-And again, fuck off!
352
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:32,000
-You are in such shit.
-That's a hat-trick. Fuck off!
353
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,120
Mum knows you bunked off.
354
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:36,160
And also everyone knows
that you love Carli D'Amato.
355
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:39,120
-I don't love her, actually.
-Everyone knows, you spaz.
356
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,960
You wrote it on the pavement
outside her house.
357
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,400
Even the Year 11s were laughing
about how sad you are.
358
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:47,800
Yeah? Well, how sad is a date
at her house tonight?
359
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:51,080
-You're such a sad...
-No, you're the sad because...
360
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,680
Twat! You're such a little...
Fuck! Shit!
361
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:55,720
He's made you look a right knob.
362
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:57,520
So when are you gonna make the
move, then?
363
00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:58,680
I don't know.
364
00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:00,400
I've got to get the kid brother
out the way first.
365
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,200
I could come
and look after him for you.
366
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:04,080
Bollocks!
I'll take care of the kid
367
00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:07,320
while you take care of the...
[grunts] business.
368
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,600
Mm! Business.
369
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:17,560
-I think I'd better take Will.
-Fine. Your funeral.
370
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:18,960
[Will] Jay was wrong.
371
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:20,480
It wouldn't be a funeral,
372
00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:22,280
but it would be
as much fun as one.
373
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:25,400
And so, that evening,
we arrived at the house
374
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:26,560
of the girl Simon had always
loved...
375
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,200
-[doorbell rings]-...and we were drunk.
376
00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:30,320
-So very drunk.
-Hi.
377
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,240
-Hi.
-Hello, there.
378
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:35,640
Oh, hello, William.
You coming in then, Simon?
379
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,360
-Are you his chaperon?
-No, it's cool, babes.
380
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:41,400
He's going to watch the kid
whilst we chat
381
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:43,080
about, you know, our feelings.
382
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:46,600
Okay. Best not
to call me babes though.
383
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:48,280
-Really?
-Really.
384
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:52,400
Come on in then. Chris is in
there watching TV, Will.
385
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:55,000
Come on, you, let's get a drink.
386
00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:00,280
So, Dad went totally ballistic
about the driveway.
387
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,360
I think you're still invited
over for Christmas,
388
00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:04,240
but he's going to make your
parents pay for an
389
00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:06,240
industrial stone cleaner.
390
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,160
-It was worth it.
-Can you smell bleach?
391
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:10,960
Shh...
392
00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:13,360
-[Will] What are you watching?
-[Chris] Don't know.
393
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:14,920
Think there's been a big bomb.
394
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,960
Really? It's one of those
recreations of a dirty bomb.
395
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:20,560
What's a dirty bomb?
396
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,040
It's just a big nuclear bomb
397
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,560
that terrorists would use
to kill everyone in London.
398
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,560
Have you been drinking spirits?
399
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:33,560
Sorry, don't know what I was
thinking. Would you like some?
400
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:34,840
I'll stick to wine, thanks.
401
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:37,640
-Wine is for girls.
-I am a girl.
402
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,720
This is a man's drink. If you
don't want it, I'll have it.
403
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:44,080
And if you can't take me like
this, well, I'm sorry, babes,
404
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,120
but this is the package.
405
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,200
Oops! There goes the
tallest building in London.
406
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:54,720
That'll be a few thousand dead.
407
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:57,880
My mum and dad are in London
tonight. Would they be killed?
408
00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:00,880
Yes. Not only killed but
obliterated.
409
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:04,760
Merely a scorched shadow
on the pavement. Dust.
410
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:07,720
-So they are dead forever?
-Yes, dead forever.
411
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:12,360
My mummy! My daddy!
412
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,360
-No.
-Mummy! Mummy!
413
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:16,760
Come on, Carli.
You know why I'm here.
414
00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:19,360
And I know why I'm here.
415
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:24,280
And you know why I'm here.
416
00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:26,680
-Kiss me.
-You know I've got a boyfriend.
417
00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:28,880
Just finger yourself
in front of me.
418
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,040
Jesus, Simon!
419
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:33,800
They do it in Caravan Club.
Come on, I know you want to.
420
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,760
-Well, I don't want to, so...
-Yeah, you do.
421
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:39,160
Simon, are you all right?
422
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:45,240
[gagging]
423
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:47,600
Oh, Christ.
424
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:49,800
[vomiting]
425
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:52,480
[coughs]
426
00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:57,360
I don't think I'm very well.
427
00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:00,000
-[Chris] Daddy! Mummy!
-Chris?
428
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:01,760
[gags]
429
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,120
Look, I'm really sorry.
430
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:05,960
I was just telling him
about terrorists and stuff.
431
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:08,360
You were telling a
seven-year-old about terrorists?
432
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,720
He won't sleep for a week now,
you idiot.
433
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:13,560
Have you unblocked the sink yet?
All the lumps?
434
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,560
I am really sorry.
I think maybe I ate something.
435
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:19,960
Could we maybe sit down
and talk about us?
436
00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:22,160
And have you got any Nurofen?
It's just... [gags]
437
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:28,920
Oh, dear.
438
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:33,160
I think we'll be off now.
439
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,440
Right, I think we'd better get
you back to mine and cleaned up.
440
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,520
Oh, God, my head!
441
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:41,680
I've ruined it.
442
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:46,200
I love her and I've ruined it
with her. Oh, God.
443
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:48,200
Oh, she's so amazing.
444
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:51,720
I'm going to say this to you
as a friend. Shut up.
445
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:54,040
Today has been a fuck-up from
start to finish.
446
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:55,640
We need to write it off, okay?
447
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:59,000
Today's gone.
It isn't going to get any worse.
448
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:03,520
Oh, shit. Isn't that your mum's
car?
449
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,840
Yes. And that's Neil's dad's
car.
450
00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:08,280
Oh, shit.
451
00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:12,800
Oh, shit.
452
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:15,720
Well, it's every Wednesday and
we play sort of, I suppose,
453
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:17,440
best-of-three games,
454
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:18,880
and the changing facilities
are not too bad.
455
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:19,760
[door closes]
456
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,160
-Yeah, yeah.
-All in all, it's a good thing.
457
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,280
Right. Sit down, you two.
458
00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:30,360
[Will] Sometimes in life,
you have to sit down
459
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:32,720
and take your punishment
like a man.
460
00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:36,040
Unfortunately, this was not
one of those times.
461
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:39,240
Well, you've had quite a day
off.
462
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:43,360
You've lied to your mothers,
bought alcohol illegally,
463
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,240
abused Neil's dad,
stole my suit,
464
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:46,880
defaced the pavement
outside Carli's.
465
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,240
Am I missing anything?
466
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,720
We also hit a spastic with a
Frisbee.
467
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:53,320
I feel totally let down,
William.
468
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:54,520
It wasn't our fault, mum.
469
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:57,160
What you said to Kevin here, I
brought you up better than that.
470
00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:59,840
-It isn't our fault.
-Why's it not your fault then?
471
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:02,760
It all happened because he
touched us.
472
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,840
-[Alan] What?
-Me?
473
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:10,440
He touched us here, and here.
474
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:13,680
And here.
475
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:18,000
-The bumhole.
-You evil little shits!
476
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:19,360
I'll deal with this, Kevin.
477
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:22,680
Now listen to me, you two. That
is an extraordinary allegation.
478
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:24,880
And you should think carefully
before you repeat it.
479
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,400
-Just because Kevin's gay--
-Wait, no, I'm not gay.
480
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,320
It's all right. We're all
friends, it doesn't matter.
481
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:31,200
But I'm not gay.
I was married for nearly--
482
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:32,800
Oscar Wilde was married.
483
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:34,200
That is enough, William.
484
00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:35,880
Although he is right, Kevin,
and it's fine.
485
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,320
I'm not gay!
486
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:38,560
All right,
don't have a hissy fit.
487
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,120
Just because Kevin is gay
488
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,280
doesn't make him
automatically a pedophile.
489
00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:43,720
I'm not a pedophile.
490
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,680
If you want to repeat those
allegations,
491
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,680
then we'll take them seriously.
492
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:50,320
But if you tell the truth,
that it never happened,
493
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,160
we'll move on to the other
things you're in trouble for.
494
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:53,360
Okay.
495
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:58,240
The truth is... we're
alcoholics. You have to help us.
496
00:20:58,320 --> 00:20:59,680
All we can think about is where
497
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,120
the next drink
is going to come from.
498
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,120
We're literally out of control.
499
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,200
Today we even
talked about heroin.
500
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:06,720
There's a long road ahead of us,
501
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,400
but with your support
and your love,
502
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:11,920
we think we can make it.
503
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:17,400
So please, as our parents...
help us.
504
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:26,520
[parents laughing]
505
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:32,960
[Will] And so we were
so pathetic,
506
00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:35,680
even my mum,
who has no sense of humor,
507
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:37,440
was laughing at us.
508
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:44,480
-Hello. You look well.
-Thanks. How's your mum?
509
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:48,160
Not happy. But fit, like a
prostitute. How's your dad?
510
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:51,640
Really not happy. But at least
he's not bent like Neil's.
511
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:52,600
What?
512
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:55,920
Shit, Si, you don't look well,
mate. What happened?
513
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,560
He was up all night
fucking Carli's brains out.
514
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:00,080
[scoffs] Not quite.
515
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:01,080
Obviously, by "not quite",
516
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:02,400
he means he puked
on her brother's head,
517
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,840
then went home and accused
Neil's dad of being a pedophile.
518
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:07,320
-You dickhead!
-[laughs] What a knob!
519
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:10,400
My dad's not a pedo.
520
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:13,720
Boys, good of you to join us
today.
521
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:16,400
-Oh, shit.
-Shit indeed.
522
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:19,080
Now, boys, you are in the sixth
form,
523
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:21,360
so actually you're under no
legal obligation
524
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:22,960
to attend school.
525
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:24,760
Sutherland, Cartwright,
526
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:26,360
if you want to piss away your
chance
527
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:27,480
of gaining some qualifications
528
00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:30,000
and improving your lives,
then be my guest.
529
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:31,800
I still get paid at the end of
the week.
530
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,920
-Really? Oh, great.
-Brilliant. Thanks, sir.
531
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,640
I knew no day could go as badly
as yesterday did.
532
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,520
However, Cooper, MacKenzie,
533
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:42,600
phoning the school and
pretending to be your parents?
534
00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:45,680
Ohh, that, my little friends,
is fraud.
535
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,720
I think we'd better go and see
the head.
536
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:02,440
[Will] They say
it's the things
537
00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:03,880
you don't do in life
that you regret.
538
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:05,880
Well that's clearly
not true.
539
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:07,680
I regret hitting that girl
with a Frisbee.
540
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:11,320
And I regret hurling insults
at Neil's dad.
541
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:12,320
Bumder!
542
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:14,040
And I'm pretty certain
that Simon
543
00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:15,680
regrets everything
he did that day.
544
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:18,800
Oh, dear.
545
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,520
But they also say
all's well that ends well.
546
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:24,680
Hang on, this didn't even end
well.
547
00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:33,560
[theme music playing]
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