Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[Will] The local park,

where people come to play football,

hang out with their friends,

and most importantly, let their dogs shit.

It's not a cool place, admittedly,

but it is a good place to stare at girls.

And if anything is worth

braving this dog-shit minefield for,

it's staring at girls.

You lot are so gay. Why aren't we playing football?

Chasing men around a field with your top off,

what could be more gay than that?

You.

Brilliant. Anyway, we're playing Frisbee

because girls can join in.

Trust me, girls love this.

Border Collies love this. You're just scared to play football

in case Donovan joins in and breaks your legs.

-That's not true. -Oh, my God.

Check out the Jugasaurus Rex!

Shit! And it's Carli.

Perfect. Watch this.

Carli!

Carli! Catch!

Oh, fuck.

[yelps]

Oh, my God. I'm sorry!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm really, really sorry.

I'm really, really sorry.

[speaking other language]

[girl crying]

So as I say, I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.

It's fine. You've apologized about 30 times. Come on.

I'm going to get my Frisbee.

[girl yelling]

Hey! Those wankers are nicking that girl's Frisbee. Hey!

It's my Frisbee! I've got a receipt!

I've got a receipt!

And so, in what I can only describe

as an attack of Frisbee rage,

once again we found ourselves running from Donovan.

All right?

-Not really. -What's up?

Well, think back, Neil.

Last time you saw us, before you legged it,

a Frisbee was heading towards a disabled girl's face.

Oh, did it hit her in the face then?

Bingo!

Was the girl in the wheelchair all right?

I don't want to talk about it. I've lost my Frisbee Aero B Pro.

Is the gayest sentence ever.

That's it. We can't bunk off tomorrow now.

-Why? -Because it's bad karma.

For hitting a spastic. Well, it could be a sign.

A sign that you've shit your pants?

I'll see you tomorrow. I'm heading home.

To wank over your mum's bras?

Well, as she's my mum, probably not.

-Good, can I have them then? -No. But you can have, um, that.

And that.

-See you tomorrow. -[Simon] See you.

[Will] I'd only been in state education a month

and yet the next morning,

I found myself ready to break the law.

Okay, it was the truancy law,

but it was still the worst thing I'd ever done.

-Hello, William. -Hi, Mrs. Cooper. Is Simon in?

Yes, unless he ran away in the middle of the night. Simon!

Yes. All right, Will, come in.

Why aren't you in uniform?

We're sorry, Mrs. Cooper, it was Jay's idea--

Sorry, we forgot to tell you it was a non-uniform day.

-No, it's not. Bye. -Yes, it is.

For Years 12 and 13. It is, you little shit!

Right, so it's a Year 12 non-uniform day?

For Christ's sake, Simon, you're 17 now,

I don't want to play these stupid games.

It's a bloody non-uniform day, all right?

I don't believe you. Will?

Yes, it's a non-uniform day.

-See? -Fine. Fine.

But if you've lied to me I won't be angry,

I will be really, really disappointed.

[exclaims]

How stupid is she that she totally believed us?

That's my mum.

Sorry, did you see the way I just lied to her?

I totally did it.

We're bunking off.

-Who are you calling? -School.

I'll just say we're ill and won't be in today.

No, really. Who are you calling?

Don't shit your pants. I'm only phoning the school secretary,

not fucking MI5.

Hello, this is Mrs. Cooper, Simon's mother. Year 12.

Simon and William MacKenzie have food poisoning.

Must have been the chicken.

You're putting on your mum's voice?

I'm sorry. Mrs. Cooper, now you say your son is ill?

-Yes.-Well, Mr. Gilbert,

the Head of Sixth is just here. I'll pass him over. Hold on.

No, there's really no need.

If we hurry, we can still make it in time for English.

Hello?

Hello, this is Mrs. Cooper. Simon and his friend, William,

are ill. Goodbye.

-Mrs. Cooper?-Yes.

What exactly is wrong with Simon?

Food poisoning.

Okay, Simon, I know you're bullshitting me.

I think you'd better get in to school.

Cheers. All the best. God bless.

-Get in before you make me-- -[disconnects phone]

Well, that was fucking dreadful.

-I think he bought it, though. -In what way did he buy it?

I think he thought that was my mum.

[Will] So, with our terrible alibi in place,

phase two of the plan was how to get some booze.

You look like you're on day release.

They'll never serve you.

-Ohh, what about this one? -No, not one of his suits.

He'll go mental if he finds out.

-Shirts. -Not the suit.

-Yes! -Not the suit.

[Will] And so in Simon's dad's suit,

and looking a bit like a Hasidic Jew,

we headed for the off-license.

What are you wearing?

The suit's my dad's. He insisted.

-The hat's his though. -What a bellend!

I'm just an adult man stocking up on booze.

This'll work. £10 each, please.

And as none of you offered to do it, you can fuck off.

-What? -Nothing.

[Will] Unlike those morons,

I knew the key to getting served was confidence.

[shop door opens]

Good day.

Sorry?

Good day.

Ah.

Hello.

Pow.

-Oh, shit. -What?

Nothing.

It's Carli's mum, isn't it? Oi!

Jay, please, don't. She'll recognize me.

He wants to suck your Carli's tits!

[Simon] Unbelievable.

[Will] The key is to let the shop owner

know who's in control.

It like a Jedi mind trick.

I am an adult. You will serve me.

-Can I help at all? -Yes.

I am a man who has recently bought a house in the local area

and I'm having a house-warming party

to which I'll be inviting a lot of the local adults to.

-Uh, hence the crisps. -Yes.

And I'll also probably need some...

alcohol as well. As well as the crisps, et cetera.

Right. What are you looking for?

Some Beefeater gin.

-Okay. How about two bottles? -Excellent.

-Some wine? -Christ, no.

We're not made of money.

And I'll have some extra-strong mints.

For those who are drink-driving.

Right.

That comes to £29.50. Anything else?

-What's on special?

I'll give you a bottle of Drambuie for a tenner

if you pay and are out the shop in five seconds.

Done. My good man.

I shall invite you to the party.

-Mission accomplished. -What's in all the bags then?

Just something to soak up the alcohol.

-Crisps? -Where's the beer?

Have you spent all our money on fancy fucking crisps?

-You twat. -What the fuck's this?

-Drambuie. -What's Drambuie?

-It's whisky-based liqueur. -What's a liqueur?

-It's what benders drink. -Why have we got that then?

'Cause we're heading to yours

and it's your dad's favorite drink.

My dad's not bent.

-He is a bit though. -He's fucking not.

Right, let's look at the evidence.

One, your mum left him because he loves cock.

That's not true. She was in a difficult place.

-In bed with a bender. -Your dad, who is a bender.

Two, he wears tight denim shorts to do the gardening.

And the only night he goes out all week is Wednesday

-and that's to play badminton. -[laughs]

Right, my dad's not bent

because he's got hundreds of porn mags at home

and it's all straight.

-All straight? -Some lesbian.

We should go and have a look then, in that case.

Fine, come on then.

This should be good. I bet it's 90% cock.

They must be around here.

I don't know where they could have gone.

Maybe he swapped them for an Abba boxset.

No, he probably shoved them up his arse. Drink!

-So, what we going to do today? -We can do

anything we fucking well please.

Yeah, but specifically, what do we do?

We could get some birds.

Yeah, let's get some girls. Great. Where are all the girls?

At school.

We'll wait for them to get out then.

We're not gonna do anything until half three?

We could have just gone to school.

We can't fucking do this. Drink!

Hello, Mrs. Cooper? Sorry to bother you at work.

This is Mr. Gilbert, Simon's Head of Sixth.

You know, your mum is so fit, Will,

I reckon she could b e a prostitute.

Thanks.

Have you wanked over Will's mum?

No. Not yet.

Please don't have a wank over my mum.

I can't promise that, I'm afraid.

Yes, hello. Is that Mrs. MacKenzie, William's mother?

Right, can I just check something with you, please?

When we go away with the Caravan Club,

there's this bird and her sister

who I've shagged for about two years.

Sometimes I get them to strum themselves while I watch.

Sorry, did you say you go on holiday in a caravan?

-With the Caravan Club. -In a caravan like a gypo?

If my mum told me we were going caravanning I'd call ChildLine.

Shows how much you know, because it's a sense of freedom

that you don't get with other holidays.

It's a sense of shitting in a bucket in a cupboard

you don't get with other holidays, in England,

with your parents.

Actually, it's a well-known fact that the Caravan Club

is like a sex club all over Europe,

which is why I've lost my cherry and none of you sad acts have.

I could've got laid loads of times.

-No, you couldn't. -Yeah, I could, actually.

But I want to lose it with someone I love.

-What? Like Carli? -Maybe I do love Carli.

She's gorgeous, she's smart, she's amazing.

Probably worth mentioning to her then,

if that's the way you feel.

Yeah, why not mention it? Worst that can happen you get nothing.

Best that can happen, you get stinky fingers.

You really are one of the most disgusting humans I've ever met.

Look out. Prince Harry's had a few drinks

and now he thinks he's hard!

I am hard.

So, all this being scared of teachers

and brown-nosing everyone's parents is just an act, is it?

-I don't brown-nose anyone! -You do a bit.

-Good manners cost nothing. -A good shag costs nothing!

A good shag with Carli.

♪ Carli's fanny on your face On your face ♪

♪ Carli's fanny on your face ♪

I keep catching myself on it. It's a bloody menace.

Hang on, I think someone's in.

♪ And your bellend ♪

♪ Carli's fanny on your face On your face ♪

Neil! What the hell is going on?

Ugh! This place smells like a brewery and not a nice one.

Jay, there is always trouble when you're around,

but, Will, I'm especially surprised at you.

I'm so sorry, Steve.

Oh, piss off!

What? Don't talk to me like that in my own house!

I'm so sorry, my manners. Piss off, please.

I've had enough of your lip.

Oh, you'd like my lip, wouldn't you?

Right round your bellend, if Mr. Chippy doesn't get there first.

What's he going to knock up? A closet for you to hide in,

you bumder?

[Kevin yelling indistinctly]

[Will] In hindsight, I might have taken it a bit too far.

Amazing!

Jesus Christ. "Bumder"?

Yeah, fair play to you, that was pretty special. "Bumder"!

It's a mixture of "bummer" and "bender".

I think he'll be all right about it, though. He can take a joke.

That was taken as a joke.

"My lips around your bellend"? Yeah, it should be fine.

I love Carli.

I love Carli.

Shit, I've got to tell her. What if she feels the same?

Seems fairly unlikely.

Life is about these moments.

It's the things you don't do you regret.

Is the kind of cavalier philosophy that caused my father

to leave my mother.

-You go for it. -Bumder.

And so we headed for Carli's house.

[laughing]

I feel a bit stupid doing this. This is fine, isn't it?

-Yeah. Definitely. -Yeah.

You would tell me if I was being a dick?

-Of course I would. -Yeah, yeah.

[Will] I think writing her surname

is particularly important.

I mean, it is her drive,

but you wouldn't want any Carli-based confusion.

I reckon if you put a kiss, she'll definitely suck you off.

-What the fuck is that? -What?

Simon, why are you vandalizing my drive?

Um...

What does it say? You love me?

Look, I can easily wash it off

and we can just pretend it never happened,

and I could not tell anyone and you could not tell anyone.

And my mates could not tell anyone and, most importantly,

your mates could not tell anyone.

Simon, we've known each other for ages.

-Why are you doing this now? -Um...

We were playing dares?

Did someone dare you to be the world's biggest saddo?

So what? You are in love with me?

This couldn't have gone any better.

Actually, I think this is pretty cool, Simon.

Sort of artistic. It's like Banksy or something.

Why don't you come over to mine tonight,

I'm babysitting for my brother,

and we can sort this out then?

-Really? -Yeah, come round about 8:00.

My folks will be out by then.

Probably best to avoid them until this has washed away.

Um, yeah, I'm not sure this washes away--

Whatever. I'll see you later.

Yes!

Incredibly, I think you might be in there.

Of course he's in there. She's wet for you, mate.

I cannot believe this worked.

Maybe she was impressed by your artistic side.

No, bollocks. It's because you're drunk.

Do you think so?

Yes, it's because you're wasted. Like Pete Doherty?

Girls love it.

I think Pete Doherty is on heroin.

I'm not sure I should do heroin, Jay.

[Jay] Right, vodka, whisky, and a load of creme de menthe.

When she sees you after this, she'll be frothing at the gash.

Are you sure my dad won't notice?

No, he'll never tell.

I think he might as his whisky now tastes of apple juice.

Look, it'll be worth it.

-What's that? -Fuck off!

-What have you got there? -And again, fuck off!

-You are in such shit. -That's a hat-trick. Fuck off!

Mum knows you bunked off.

And also everyone knows that you love Carli D'Amato.

-I don't love her, actually. -Everyone knows, you spaz.

You wrote it on the pavement outside her house.

Even the Year 11s were laughing about how sad you are.

Yeah? Well, how sad is a date at her house tonight?

-You're such a sad... -No, you're the sad because...

Twat! You're such a little... Fuck! Shit!

He's made you look a right knob.

So when are you gonna make the move, then?

I don't know.

I've got to get the kid brother out the way first.

I could come and look after him for you.

Bollocks! I'll take care of the kid

while you take care of the... [grunts] business.

Mm! Business.

-I think I'd better take Will. -Fine. Your funeral.

[Will] Jay was wrong.

It wouldn't be a funeral,

but it would be as much fun as one.

And so, that evening, we arrived at the house

of the girl Simon had always loved...

-[doorbell rings]-...and we were drunk.

-So very drunk. -Hi.

-Hi. -Hello, there.

Oh, hello, William. You coming in then, Simon?

-Are you his chaperon? -No, it's cool, babes.

He's going to watch the kid whilst we chat

about, you know, our feelings.

Okay. Best not to call me babes though.

-Really? -Really.

Come on in then. Chris is in there watching TV, Will.

Come on, you, let's get a drink.

So, Dad went totally ballistic about the driveway.

I think you're still invited over for Christmas,

but he's going to make your parents pay for an

industrial stone cleaner.

-It was worth it. -Can you smell bleach?

Shh...

-[Will] What are you watching? -[Chris] Don't know.

Think there's been a big bomb.

Really? It's one of those recreations of a dirty bomb.

What's a dirty bomb?

It's just a big nuclear bomb

that terrorists would use to kill everyone in London.

Have you been drinking spirits?

Sorry, don't know what I was thinking. Would you like some?

I'll stick to wine, thanks.

-Wine is for girls. -I am a girl.

This is a man's drink. If you don't want it, I'll have it.

And if you can't take me like this, well, I'm sorry, babes,

but this is the package.

Oops! There goes the tallest building in London.

That'll be a few thousand dead.

My mum and dad are in London tonight. Would they be killed?

Yes. Not only killed but obliterated.

Merely a scorched shadow on the pavement. Dust.

-So they are dead forever? -Yes, dead forever.

My mummy! My daddy!

-No. -Mummy! Mummy!

Come on, Carli. You know why I'm here.

And I know why I'm here.

And you know why I'm here.

-Kiss me. -You know I've got a boyfriend.

Just finger yourself in front of me.

Jesus, Simon!

They do it in Caravan Club. Come on, I know you want to.

-Well, I don't want to, so... -Yeah, you do.

Simon, are you all right?

[gagging]

Oh, Christ.

[vomiting]

[coughs]

I don't think I'm very well.

-[Chris] Daddy! Mummy! -Chris?

[gags]

Look, I'm really sorry.

I was just telling him about terrorists and stuff.

You were telling a seven-year-old about terrorists?

He won't sleep for a week now, you idiot.

Have you unblocked the sink yet? All the lumps?

I am really sorry. I think maybe I ate something.

Could we maybe sit down and talk about us?

And have you got any Nurofen? It's just... [gags]

Oh, dear.

I think we'll be off now.

Right, I think we'd better get you back to mine and cleaned up.

Oh, God, my head!

I've ruined it.

I love her and I've ruined it with her. Oh, God.

Oh, she's so amazing.

I'm going to say this to you as a friend. Shut up.

Today has been a fuck-up from start to finish.

We need to write it off, okay?

Today's gone. It isn't going to get any worse.

Oh, shit. Isn't that your mum's car?

Yes. And that's Neil's dad's car.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Well, it's every Wednesday and we play sort of, I suppose,

best-of-three games,

and the changing facilities are not too bad.

[door closes]

-Yeah, yeah. -All in all, it's a good thing.

Right. Sit down, you two.

[Will] Sometimes in life, you have to sit down

and take your punishment like a man.

Unfortunately, this was not one of those times.

Well, you've had quite a day off.

You've lied to your mothers, bought alcohol illegally,

abused Neil's dad, stole my suit,

defaced the pavement outside Carli's.

Am I missing anything?

We also hit a spastic with a Frisbee.

I feel totally let down, William.

It wasn't our fault, mum.

What you said to Kevin here, I brought you up better than that.

-It isn't our fault. -Why's it not your fault then?

It all happened because he touched us.

-[Alan] What? -Me?

He touched us here, and here.

And here.

-The bumhole. -You evil little shits!

I'll deal with this, Kevin.

Now listen to me, you two. That is an extraordinary allegation.

And you should think carefully before you repeat it.

-Just because Kevin's gay-- -Wait, no, I'm not gay.

It's all right. We're all friends, it doesn't matter.

But I'm not gay. I was married for nearly--

Oscar Wilde was married.

That is enough, William.

Although he is right, Kevin, and it's fine.

I'm not gay!

All right, don't have a hissy fit.

Just because Kevin is gay

doesn't make him automatically a pedophile.

I'm not a pedophile.

If you want to repeat those allegations,

then we'll take them seriously.

But if you tell the truth, that it never happened,

we'll move on to the other things you're in trouble for.

Okay.

The truth is... we're alcoholics. You have to help us.

All we can think about is where

the next drink is going to come from.

We're literally out of control.

Today we even talked about heroin.

There's a long road ahead of us,

but with your support and your love,

we think we can make it.

So please, as our parents... help us.

[parents laughing]

[Will] And so we were so pathetic,

even my mum, who has no sense of humor,

was laughing at us.

-Hello. You look well. -Thanks. How's your mum?

Not happy. But fit, like a prostitute. How's your dad?

Really not happy. But at least he's not bent like Neil's.

What?

Shit, Si, you don't look well, mate. What happened?

He was up all night fucking Carli's brains out.

[scoffs] Not quite.

Obviously, by "not quite",

he means he puked on her brother's head,

then went home and accused Neil's dad of being a pedophile.

-You dickhead! -[laughs] What a knob!

My dad's not a pedo.

Boys, good of you to join us today.

-Oh, shit. -Shit indeed.

Now, boys, you are in the sixth form,

so actually you're under no legal obligation

to attend school.

Sutherland, Cartwright,

if you want to piss away your chance

of gaining some qualifications

and improving your lives, then be my guest.

I still get paid at the end of the week.

-Really? Oh, great. -Brilliant. Thanks, sir.

I knew no day could go as badly as yesterday did.

However, Cooper, MacKenzie,

phoning the school and pretending to be your parents?

Ohh, that, my little friends, is fraud.

I think we'd better go and see the head.

[Will] They say it's the things

you don't do in life that you regret.

Well that's clearly not true.

I regret hitting that girl with a Frisbee.

And I regret hurling insults at Neil's dad.

Bumder!

And I'm pretty certain that Simon

regrets everything he did that day.

Oh, dear.

But they also say all's well that ends well.

Hang on, this didn't even end well.

[theme music playing]