All language subtitles for The.Inbetweeners.S01E01.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-iNTRUDER_track3_[eng]

[theme music playing]

Hi. I'm Will,
and here are some things

I hoped wouldn't happen
in my life.

My father would
leave my mother.

I'm so sad.

I'd be taken out of
private education

and forced to go
to a normal school...

Well, this is nice...

...where the school nutter

would then take
a bit of a dislike to me.

I'll rip your fucking throat
out.

But do they say,
"Whatever doesn't kill you

makes you stronger."
Except polio.

And it's not been all bad.

-I want you to fuck me outside.
-Really?

This is the story of how I make
new friends like him...

Friend. Fucking friend.

And him...

...and him.

Him not so much.

...and definitely her.

Just to confirm,
we are going to have sex?

But back to the present.

To put you in the picture,
I have no friends,

it's my first day,

and I'm in
the headmaster's office

for a welcome chat
with the rest of the new kids,

or as they're otherwise known,
"the freaks."

You could be friends with us.

Yep, everyone's going to think
I'm one of them,

and in a well-meaning
but disastrous move,

as a new kid I've got to wear
a massive green badge.

I can discuss it with
my Head of Sixth, Mr. Gilbert.

He seemed like an intelligent
man.

Mr. Gilbert,
you seem an intelligent man...

I seem intelligent.

-How lovely of you to say.
-No, I just meant--

I've long since been insecure
about my capacity for learning,

so it's nice to have it ratified
by you, a child.

What I meant was,

do you think these badges
that single us out as new kids

-are a good idea?
-Yes.

If you have any more
views on it,

I suggest you join
the school debating society.

Obviously, you'll have to start
one first.

-[bell rings]-My mistake. He's a wanker.

Hello, John. I'm Susie.

And so began my first day.

[laughter and chatter]

-Is this 6B?
-Yeah.

Great. I'm Will.

Cool.

God, just had a meet with the
head and his pet ape, Gilbert.

-What's his problem?
-What?

That Gilbert. What a tosser.

I mean, "I'm Mr. Gilbert. I'm
such a big, huge massive freak.

And I just love to suck the
headmaster's balls. And then..."

Is he behind me?

-Did you hear any of that?
-Oh, yes.

Can we start again?

As you can see from his rather
natty badge,

this is your new classmate,
Will.

As you share most of the same
classes Cooper,

you'll be looking after him.

Sir, that's not fair.

Lesson number one of the Sixth
Form. "Life is not fair."

Sir. Look at his blazer
for starters.

He's got an actual briefcase.

-His shoes are clumpy,
his hair's a bit gay...
-Ohh.

And that badge?
I mean the badge alone.

It's happening. Get used to it.

[bell rings]

Oh, one more thing.

The first day of term
drink down The Black Horse.

This tradition is not only
ridiculous but illegal.

Don't get excluded
before you've even started.

-What's he talking about?
-Uh, nothing.

Is everyone going for a
drink tonight then?

Um, no. I have to go this way.

"Ohh, I'm Will."

Yup, thanks very much.

-Oh, hello, Will.
-Very nice, thank you.

-Nice badge, dickhead.
-Lovely. Fantastic.

You must be what, Year Eight?

Ohh, I'm Will,
I've got a spacker badge.

"Spacker"? Super.
That's not even on the badge.

-Briefcase wanker.
-Another baggage-themed insult.

Thanks, Mum.
Thanks a bunch.

Truth be told, the first-day
nerves had got to me,

so I went for what turned out
to be one of the more

eventful shits of my life.

I'm good at shagging now,
that's all I'm saying.

Bollocks. How do you do it best?

Just deep. Try to get really
deep, right up to the balls.

-And do you put the balls in?
-What?

I've heard you've got to put
the balls in to make it work.

Yeah, can do.
Some girls like it, some don't.

What? Stop talking bullshit.

Who are these girls
you've fucked, then?

Look, while you've spent the
summer stalking Carli,

I've been out porking loads of
vag.

One, I've not been stalking
Carli, she's just a friend.

And two, you've never fucked
anyone.

Nor have I, nor has Neil.

Shut up, you dickhead.
I've fucked loads of gir--

[sniffs, spits]

What's the fuck are you doing?
You trying to look at my cock?

[chuckles nervously] Good one.

Fuck off.

I was beginning to wonder
what sort of place I'd come to,

and then I found out.

[laughing]

[boy] Look at that.

Beautiful.

Come on, guys.

-You're going to die here, Will.
-Okay...

That briefcase makes me
want to punch you.

-Of course it does.
-What a spastic badge.

That's been pointed out already.

Your shoes are well shit.

-Yep, the shoes. Simon.
-All right?

How's it going?

Since about five minutes ago?
Fine.

-Yeah. Fine.
-Great.

I'm trying to find
the common room.

Can you show me where it is?

-Um, not really.
-Oh.

Posh twat.

Look, it's this way,
but do me a favor
and just hang back a bit, yeah?

Oh, sure.

Wanker.

I still hadn't managed
to shake the freaks.

It's not like
I was aiming high,

I just wanted to be friends
with someone who didn't

have a badge on.

Might not go to this thing
tonight. I'm pretty knackered.

We've just had ten weeks off.

He's just spent the last ten
weeks wanking three times a day.

That's why he's knackered.

Yeah, that's it. I've had
210 wanks

and my cock's like a Peperami.

-Whose cock's like what?
-Carli.

Oh, it's just nothing.

Are you coming to the pub
tonight then? I'll be there.

Great. That's great.
Are you going, Simon?

Um, not sure.

I'm sort of more into clubs
than pubs.

Yeah, gay clubs.

He's just shitting himself
that he won't get served.

No, it's not that.

Come on, I'll buy you a drink.
Can you do me a favor though?

Sure. Anything.

You know what my mum's like.

She'll freak if she hears
I've been near a pub,

so, don't mention it to your
folks, yeah?

-Sure.
-Thanks, hon.

-Mm. Do you wear aftershave now?
-It's just Lynx.

Oh, it's nice.
You coming to Sociology?

-Um, no. I'm good here.
-Okay. I'll see you later then.

Are you mental? She's so fit.

Why don't you just
walk to class with her?

I just don't feel like it.

Aw. what's wrong?
Did you get a hard on because

the pretty girl spoke to you?

Can you fuck off?

Hang on, you haven't actually
got a stalk on, have you?

-Oh, my God, he's got a boner.
-Jay, please.

-Oi! Simon's got a boner.
-Boner!

Let's have a look. Don't be shy.
Let's have a look. Show us.

Show us your boner.

[Will] So I was left with
a choice. Stick with the freaks

or make friends with the boy
now called "Boner."

Are you coming to Sociology,
Simon?

Boner. Boner. Boner.

-Oh, I'll save you a seat.
-Thanks.

Well, there you go. I suppose
beggars can't be choosers.

And so my quest to make
friends went, not worse,

but certainly not better.

It was as if I had some kind
of contagious disease

and to be seen with me
was a form of social death,

which it is,

but I was amazed
they worked it out so quickly.

It wouldn't stop me.
Anyone can be your friend.

You just need to hang around
them long enough.

Oh, don't look left, Simon.
There's a girl with

a knee-length skirt on.

-You might spunk in your pants.
-Yeah, very good.

-Hi, Simon.
-All right? This is Will.

-Nice to meet you.
-Oh, briefcase.

-Yeah, briefcase.
-Yes, it's a briefcase.

[both] Ohh, briefcase.

-Right. These are your friends?
-Where we meeting tonight?

The Black Bull. It's just out on
the London Road.

Is this the drink thing?
Great. What time?

Whatever time you like.
You're going on your own.

-Oh, I just thought we could--
-No, you thought wrong.

Shit.
What if we don't get served?

Carli will think I'm a loser.

-She'd be right.
-She might not get served.

Girls always get served.

As soon as they get tits,
they get served.

And fit girls like her
definitely always get served.

-I'm going to get served.
-How do you know?

I've got a fake ID.

A driving license
that says I'm 18 years old.

But you're not 18.

That's right, Neil.
It's fake ID.

-Oh, no...
-[Simon] Is that your mum?

-I told her not to pick me up.
-She's fit.

-Yeah, I'd fuck her.
-Thanks very much.

No, I would though.
Wouldn't you?

Hmm, well, if she's my mum...
No?

-But if she wasn't?
-She is though, so...

But what he's saying is, if she
wasn't your mum,

would you fuck her?

-Oh, are we doing this?
-You would fuck her?

No.

I want to know, if you'd get
down between her legs,

spread them...

Can we stop talking about
my mother's vagina.

-Maybe see you tonight?
-You're not invited.

Unless you bring your mum.

Did you have to pick me up?

I just wanted to hear
about your first day.

I like your badge.

Why did you say I got bullied
at my last school?

-I thought you were.
-No, I wasn't.

I got wedgied a couple of times,
but that was just a fad.

Oh, well, they wanted a reason
and that's what sprang to mind.

Instead of, "I can't afford the
school fees."

-Yes.
-I'm going to the pub tonight.

-With who?
-Just some friends.

-Friends. Already?
-Yes, "friends already."

Make sure these so-called
friends

aren't making fun of you.

-Why would they be doing that?
-I don't want you bullied again.

I was not bullied.

Can I borrow 20 quid?

[Will] For all the new
Sixth Formers,

this would be a massive night.

It wasn't just the drink,

it was an opportunity
to reinvent yourself.

A chance for a new start.

And I've told you money's tight.

Do you want me to be called
"pikey" by my mates?

Do you?

[woman] Jay,
I've got your dinner.

Don't come in. Don't come in.

[woman] All right,
I won't come in.

Mum, can I borrow 20 quid?

Here's £10. Just promise me you
won't spend it

on the fruit machines.

I can't do that, I'm afraid.
Bye.

It turned out we couldn't
reinvent ourselves

without our parents noticing.

That's a lot of gel in your
hair.

What?

-Smells quite strongly, too.
-Why are you telling this to me?

I'm just mentioning it. I can
see you've got a lot in,

that's all.

I don't-- I can't wash it now,
can I? I've not got time.

God, I don't know why
you're like this sometimes.

Can I borrow 20 quid?

[Will] And by "borrow",

we meant
"spend and never give back."

Next stop, the pub.

My plan to make friends was
working.

Little by little,
I was wearing them down.

-Hey, guys.
-Not him.

-Oh, he's all right.
-Sorry, I'm late.

-Fingering your mum?
-Let me think. Um, no, I wasn't.

So what's the plan?

We don't need a plan.
We go in there, buy some drinks

and then wait for the gash
to form a queue.

Sorry, did he actually say
"gash"?

It'll be fine. Relax.

There is nothing relaxing
about this.

If we don't get served,
I will be humiliated

in front of the girl I've lusted
after since she was eight.

-You fancy eight-year-olds?
-No, Neil.

Our families are friends,
we were both eight.

You still fancied an
eight-year-old.

Come on. I've got ID. We'll be
fine. You coming in, new boy?

-I do have a name.
-Sorry.

You coming, briefcase mong?

Brilliant. After you.

Well, this is nice.

Maybe we should come back later?

Don't shit yourself. We're the
hardcore. What are you having?

-Pint of lager.
-Pint.

Doesn't a pint seem like a lot
when you think about it?

You wouldn't drink pint after
pint of orange squash.

-What do you want?
-Pint...

Of...

Guinness.

Guinness?

Oh, brilliant. A fruity.

-Oi, bruv.
-Yes, "bruv"?

Three lagers and a Guinness.

-Got any ID?
-Yeah.

-"Brett Clement."
-Yep.

You know this is
an Australian driving license?

-Yep.
-So, you're Australian?

-That's right, mate.
-So when's your birthday?

The 15th of bloody May, 1989.

Is he speaking in an Australian
accent?

Sounds like it.

Right. What you want again?

Three jars of lager
and a Guinness.

Are the other drinks
for your mates?

You betcha, cobber.

I'm not serving them
unless they've got ID as well.

Where are our drinks?

Did you want drinks, too?

Well, you'd better go
and fucking get them then.

This is tragic.
One pint between four of us?

As Jay has clearly failed,
I will deal with this.

I've never been served in a
pub before,

but how hard could it be?

Good evening.

Could I have three pints,
please?

-Do you have any proof of age?
-You have my word.

-Any ID?
-Look,

my father's left my mother

and I've been forced to go
to a comprehensive school.

I've attached myself to a...
a fairly average group

and I'm trying to make a few new
friends to make life bearable.

You're human,
you understand that.

Perhaps you can pour me
three non-alcoholic lagers

and we won't tell anyone
about it.

I can't serve you at all
if you're underage.

Right, you've driven me to this.

The law states 16-year-olds can
legally drink cider,

perry or mead,

in a pub, if they're eating a
meal.

So I'll have
three pints of cider

and three carvery dinners,
please.

It states if they are bought by
an adult

and accompanied by an adult.

No adult, no alcohol,
I'm afraid.

This isn't over.

Hello, sir. My name's William.

I'll pay for your drinks all
night

if you'll order
three pints of cider

and three carvery dinners

and then come and sit
with my friends and me.

You don't have to talk to us,

you merely need to stay
sitting with us.

Yeah, all right.

Terry, I'll have three ciders,
three carveries

and four double rum and cokes,
please, mate.

As many as four?

-Sorted.
-Who's that?

-This is, what's your name?
-Steve.

-Steve. He'll be joining us.
-Why?

-All right, Steve?
-Where are our drinks?

It's a long story that involves
Steve as well.

Before we get our cider--

-Cider?
-Yes, cider.

-We've got to go to the carvery.
-Have you gone mental?

What's Carli going to think?
"Simon's pretty cool."

"He goes out and has meat and
gravy with his booze."

We're not going to get served
unless we each get a carvery.

-Nice work, briefcase.
-[scoffs] For Christ's sake.

-You coming then, Neil?
-Get mine for me.

-All right?
-Yep.

I just lost ten quid on a
fruity.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Oi!

[mobile phone beeps]

Shit, it's from Carli.

Brilliant. She asking
if your fit mate Jay's coming?

No, she's saying it's so packed
she can't see where we are.

-Is she a retard?
-She's in the Black Horse.

-Where are we?
-Black Bull.

Right, so we're in the wrong
pub. Let's go.

We've got three carveries
on the way.

Neil, how could you confuse the
Black Bull with the Black Horse?

Come on, I was half right.

[machine beeps]

[dance music playing]

-Boner. Boner.
-Good start.

-Boner.
-Boner.

-I'm going to find Carli.
-Whose round?

-New boy's.
-Again?

-Yep.
-Aww.

Simon.

-Simon.
-Hi.

Where have you been?
Come and sit down.

Hi.

-Don't be shy, squeeze up.
-Oh, really?

Yeah. Tom's just coming back
with the drinks.

Cool.

-[student 1] Boner.
-[student 2] Boner.

Tom, this is Simon
I was telling you about.

You all right, mate?

Yeah. Bit pissed. Been to the
Black Bull first

just to sharpen up.

Wow, this is a new Simon.

You cried when your dad poured
whiskey

over the Christmas pudding.

At least I didn't make myself
sick in my plate

when it had peas on it.

Thanks for bringing that up.

-Lee Sharp.
-Lee Sharp.

-It's definitely Lee Sharp.
-Lee Sharp.

Lee Sharp.

Roy Keane...

Four pints, please.

-ID, please?
-You've got to be kidding me.

-Can't serve you without ID.
-Do you do food?

Kitchen's closed.

I'll just take
the four pints then.

I'll just see your ID then.

Look, I've spent all night
trying to buy one drink

so I can take part
in this poxy school tradition,

so I'd like four pints of lager,
please.

ID, please.

-We should get going, Carl.
-Yeah.

-You're going already?
-We've been here for two hours.

Sure.

Do you want a lift back, Simon?
Tom's got a car.

'Course he has. No.

-Come on, Carls. See you, mate.
-See you later, Simon. Bye.

Bye. See you.

-Lee Sharp. Lee Sharp.
-Lee Sharp.

-It's definitely Lee Sharp.
-Lee Sharp. Lee Sharp.

Giggsy.

-Four. Pints. Of lager.
-ID.

Look. Just look around you.

Everyone in this bloody pub is
underage.

[students exclaiming]

He's underage. She's underage.

He looks a bit older because
he's uglier,

but he's in the year below me.

Look at that bumfluff.
Sixteen.

That bra's got padding in it.
Sixteen.

His mum still buys his trousers.
Sixteen.

Sixteen. At a push, 17.

Sixteen.
And this one, Mark Donovan.

Yeah, he looks old and he's
meant to be hard,

but he's still only 16.

All these people you've served,
whatever bloody ID they've used,

are underage.

Right, we're closed.
Everyone out.

[students exclaiming
in disappointment]

You lot are all barred. Out.

Nice to see you again, McKenzie.

And congratulations
on doing my job for me.

I'll make sure you get
another badge for this.

-Sir...
-Now get out.

I want to have a pint.

Pint of lager, please, Ian.

I don't care how fit your mum
is, I wouldn't be seen

dead with you.

You coming, Si?

Ah, no. I said I'd look after
supergrass here.

I'd better not leave him on his
own, just in case.

Why you staying
with that bellend?

I am here.

Yeah, I wish you weren't.
See you later then.

What a first day.
I'm such a twat.

Yes, you are. That was
pretty specialist back there.

"His mum still buys his
trousers"

was a personal highlight.

Thanks. I made that up.
Who was that guy with Carli?

A friend, who didn't need ID.
And had a car.

-I'm sorry, mate.
-No, it's okay.

Please don't hit me.

I'm not going to hit you here,
but I will get you.

You won't know when it's coming,
but it is coming.

At some point in the next year,
I will get you.

Is that your mum? She is fit.

Thanks.

Lovely to meet you,
Mrs. McKenzie.

I will see you later, Will,
yeah?

Nice to meet you. He seems nice.

He's the school psycho
who just threatened to kill me.

-I'm glad you're making friends.
-Do mums ever listen?

[Will] I'd had
an eventful first day.

My quest for friends had led
to me alienating

the entire school,

and the psychotic head of
Sixth Form.

The really good news is I'm
now on the school nutter's

"To Stab" list,

if he doesn't
shag my mum first.

Maybe I should've
just stuck with the freaks.

At least things can only get
better,

or they could just
stay the same.

Or get worse.