Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

Hi. I'm Will, and here are some things

I hoped wouldn't happen in my life.

My father would leave my mother.

I'm so sad.

I'd be taken out of private education

and forced to go to a normal school...

Well, this is nice...

...where the school nutter

would then take a bit of a dislike to me.

I'll rip your fucking throat out.

But do they say, "Whatever doesn't kill you

makes you stronger." Except polio.

And it's not been all bad.

-I want you to fuck me outside. -Really?

This is the story of how I make new friends like him...

Friend. Fucking friend.

And him...

...and him.

Him not so much.

...and definitely her.

Just to confirm, we are going to have sex?

But back to the present.

To put you in the picture, I have no friends,

it's my first day,

and I'm in the headmaster's office

for a welcome chat with the rest of the new kids,

or as they're otherwise known, "the freaks."

You could be friends with us.

Yep, everyone's going to think I'm one of them,

and in a well-meaning but disastrous move,

as a new kid I've got to wear a massive green badge.

I can discuss it with my Head of Sixth, Mr. Gilbert.

He seemed like an intelligent man.

Mr. Gilbert, you seem an intelligent man...

I seem intelligent.

-How lovely of you to say. -No, I just meant--

I've long since been insecure about my capacity for learning,

so it's nice to have it ratified by you, a child.

What I meant was,

do you think these badges that single us out as new kids

-are a good idea? -Yes.

If you have any more views on it,

I suggest you join the school debating society.

Obviously, you'll have to start one first.

-[bell rings]-My mistake. He's a wanker.

Hello, John. I'm Susie.

And so began my first day.

[laughter and chatter]

-Is this 6B? -Yeah.

Great. I'm Will.

Cool.

God, just had a meet with the head and his pet ape, Gilbert.

-What's his problem? -What?

That Gilbert. What a tosser.

I mean, "I'm Mr. Gilbert. I'm such a big, huge massive freak.

And I just love to suck the headmaster's balls. And then..."

Is he behind me?

-Did you hear any of that? -Oh, yes.

Can we start again?

As you can see from his rather natty badge,

this is your new classmate, Will.

As you share most of the same classes Cooper,

you'll be looking after him.

Sir, that's not fair.

Lesson number one of the Sixth Form. "Life is not fair."

Sir. Look at his blazer for starters.

He's got an actual briefcase.

-His shoes are clumpy, his hair's a bit gay... -Ohh.

And that badge? I mean the badge alone.

It's happening. Get used to it.

[bell rings]

Oh, one more thing.

The first day of term drink down The Black Horse.

This tradition is not only ridiculous but illegal.

Don't get excluded before you've even started.

-What's he talking about? -Uh, nothing.

Is everyone going for a drink tonight then?

Um, no. I have to go this way.

"Ohh, I'm Will."

Yup, thanks very much.

-Oh, hello, Will. -Very nice, thank you.

-Nice badge, dickhead. -Lovely. Fantastic.

You must be what, Year Eight?

Ohh, I'm Will, I've got a spacker badge.

"Spacker"? Super. That's not even on the badge.

-Briefcase wanker. -Another baggage-themed insult.

Thanks, Mum. Thanks a bunch.

Truth be told, the first-day nerves had got to me,

so I went for what turned out to be one of the more

eventful shits of my life.

I'm good at shagging now, that's all I'm saying.

Bollocks. How do you do it best?

Just deep. Try to get really deep, right up to the balls.

-And do you put the balls in? -What?

I've heard you've got to put the balls in to make it work.

Yeah, can do. Some girls like it, some don't.

What? Stop talking bullshit.

Who are these girls you've fucked, then?

Look, while you've spent the summer stalking Carli,

I've been out porking loads of vag.

One, I've not been stalking Carli, she's just a friend.

And two, you've never fucked anyone.

Nor have I, nor has Neil.

Shut up, you dickhead. I've fucked loads of gir--

[sniffs, spits]

What's the fuck are you doing? You trying to look at my cock?

[chuckles nervously] Good one.

Fuck off.

I was beginning to wonder what sort of place I'd come to,

and then I found out.

[laughing]

[boy] Look at that.

Beautiful.

Come on, guys.

-You're going to die here, Will. -Okay...

That briefcase makes me want to punch you.

-Of course it does. -What a spastic badge.

That's been pointed out already.

Your shoes are well shit.

-Yep, the shoes. Simon. -All right?

How's it going?

Since about five minutes ago? Fine.

-Yeah. Fine. -Great.

I'm trying to find the common room.

Can you show me where it is?

-Um, not really. -Oh.

Posh twat.

Look, it's this way, but do me a favor and just hang back a bit, yeah?

Oh, sure.

Wanker.

I still hadn't managed to shake the freaks.

It's not like I was aiming high,

I just wanted to be friends with someone who didn't

have a badge on.

Might not go to this thing tonight. I'm pretty knackered.

We've just had ten weeks off.

He's just spent the last ten weeks wanking three times a day.

That's why he's knackered.

Yeah, that's it. I've had 210 wanks

and my cock's like a Peperami.

-Whose cock's like what? -Carli.

Oh, it's just nothing.

Are you coming to the pub tonight then? I'll be there.

Great. That's great. Are you going, Simon?

Um, not sure.

I'm sort of more into clubs than pubs.

Yeah, gay clubs.

He's just shitting himself that he won't get served.

No, it's not that.

Come on, I'll buy you a drink. Can you do me a favor though?

Sure. Anything.

You know what my mum's like.

She'll freak if she hears I've been near a pub,

so, don't mention it to your folks, yeah?

-Sure. -Thanks, hon.

-Mm. Do you wear aftershave now? -It's just Lynx.

Oh, it's nice. You coming to Sociology?

-Um, no. I'm good here. -Okay. I'll see you later then.

Are you mental? She's so fit.

Why don't you just walk to class with her?

I just don't feel like it.

Aw. what's wrong? Did you get a hard on because

the pretty girl spoke to you?

Can you fuck off?

Hang on, you haven't actually got a stalk on, have you?

-Oh, my God, he's got a boner. -Jay, please.

-Oi! Simon's got a boner. -Boner!

Let's have a look. Don't be shy. Let's have a look. Show us.

Show us your boner.

[Will] So I was left with a choice. Stick with the freaks

or make friends with the boy now called "Boner."

Are you coming to Sociology, Simon?

Boner. Boner. Boner.

-Oh, I'll save you a seat. -Thanks.

Well, there you go. I suppose beggars can't be choosers.

And so my quest to make friends went, not worse,

but certainly not better.

It was as if I had some kind of contagious disease

and to be seen with me was a form of social death,

which it is,

but I was amazed they worked it out so quickly.

It wouldn't stop me. Anyone can be your friend.

You just need to hang around them long enough.

Oh, don't look left, Simon. There's a girl with

a knee-length skirt on.

-You might spunk in your pants. -Yeah, very good.

-Hi, Simon. -All right? This is Will.

-Nice to meet you. -Oh, briefcase.

-Yeah, briefcase. -Yes, it's a briefcase.

[both] Ohh, briefcase.

-Right. These are your friends? -Where we meeting tonight?

The Black Bull. It's just out on the London Road.

Is this the drink thing? Great. What time?

Whatever time you like. You're going on your own.

-Oh, I just thought we could-- -No, you thought wrong.

Shit. What if we don't get served?

Carli will think I'm a loser.

-She'd be right. -She might not get served.

Girls always get served.

As soon as they get tits, they get served.

And fit girls like her definitely always get served.

-I'm going to get served. -How do you know?

I've got a fake ID.

A driving license that says I'm 18 years old.

But you're not 18.

That's right, Neil. It's fake ID.

-Oh, no... -[Simon] Is that your mum?

-I told her not to pick me up. -She's fit.

-Yeah, I'd fuck her. -Thanks very much.

No, I would though. Wouldn't you?

Hmm, well, if she's my mum... No?

-But if she wasn't? -She is though, so...

But what he's saying is, if she wasn't your mum,

would you fuck her?

-Oh, are we doing this? -You would fuck her?

No.

I want to know, if you'd get down between her legs,

spread them...

Can we stop talking about my mother's vagina.

-Maybe see you tonight? -You're not invited.

Unless you bring your mum.

Did you have to pick me up?

I just wanted to hear about your first day.

I like your badge.

Why did you say I got bullied at my last school?

-I thought you were. -No, I wasn't.

I got wedgied a couple of times, but that was just a fad.

Oh, well, they wanted a reason and that's what sprang to mind.

Instead of, "I can't afford the school fees."

-Yes. -I'm going to the pub tonight.

-With who? -Just some friends.

-Friends. Already? -Yes, "friends already."

Make sure these so-called friends

aren't making fun of you.

-Why would they be doing that? -I don't want you bullied again.

I was not bullied.

Can I borrow 20 quid?

[Will] For all the new Sixth Formers,

this would be a massive night.

It wasn't just the drink,

it was an opportunity to reinvent yourself.

A chance for a new start.

And I've told you money's tight.

Do you want me to be called "pikey" by my mates?

Do you?

[woman] Jay, I've got your dinner.

Don't come in. Don't come in.

[woman] All right, I won't come in.

Mum, can I borrow 20 quid?

Here's £10. Just promise me you won't spend it

on the fruit machines.

I can't do that, I'm afraid. Bye.

It turned out we couldn't reinvent ourselves

without our parents noticing.

That's a lot of gel in your hair.

What?

-Smells quite strongly, too. -Why are you telling this to me?

I'm just mentioning it. I can see you've got a lot in,

that's all.

I don't-- I can't wash it now, can I? I've not got time.

God, I don't know why you're like this sometimes.

Can I borrow 20 quid?

[Will] And by "borrow",

we meant "spend and never give back."

Next stop, the pub.

My plan to make friends was working.

Little by little, I was wearing them down.

-Hey, guys. -Not him.

-Oh, he's all right. -Sorry, I'm late.

-Fingering your mum? -Let me think. Um, no, I wasn't.

So what's the plan?

We don't need a plan. We go in there, buy some drinks

and then wait for the gash to form a queue.

Sorry, did he actually say "gash"?

It'll be fine. Relax.

There is nothing relaxing about this.

If we don't get served, I will be humiliated

in front of the girl I've lusted after since she was eight.

-You fancy eight-year-olds? -No, Neil.

Our families are friends, we were both eight.

You still fancied an eight-year-old.

Come on. I've got ID. We'll be fine. You coming in, new boy?

-I do have a name. -Sorry.

You coming, briefcase mong?

Brilliant. After you.

Well, this is nice.

Maybe we should come back later?

Don't shit yourself. We're the hardcore. What are you having?

-Pint of lager. -Pint.

Doesn't a pint seem like a lot when you think about it?

You wouldn't drink pint after pint of orange squash.

-What do you want? -Pint...

Of...

Guinness.

Guinness?

Oh, brilliant. A fruity.

-Oi, bruv. -Yes, "bruv"?

Three lagers and a Guinness.

-Got any ID? -Yeah.

-"Brett Clement." -Yep.

You know this is an Australian driving license?

-Yep. -So, you're Australian?

-That's right, mate. -So when's your birthday?

The 15th of bloody May, 1989.

Is he speaking in an Australian accent?

Sounds like it.

Right. What you want again?

Three jars of lager and a Guinness.

Are the other drinks for your mates?

You betcha, cobber.

I'm not serving them unless they've got ID as well.

Where are our drinks?

Did you want drinks, too?

Well, you'd better go and fucking get them then.

This is tragic. One pint between four of us?

As Jay has clearly failed, I will deal with this.

I've never been served in a pub before,

but how hard could it be?

Good evening.

Could I have three pints, please?

-Do you have any proof of age? -You have my word.

-Any ID? -Look,

my father's left my mother

and I've been forced to go to a comprehensive school.

I've attached myself to a... a fairly average group

and I'm trying to make a few new friends to make life bearable.

You're human, you understand that.

Perhaps you can pour me three non-alcoholic lagers

and we won't tell anyone about it.

I can't serve you at all if you're underage.

Right, you've driven me to this.

The law states 16-year-olds can legally drink cider,

perry or mead,

in a pub, if they're eating a meal.

So I'll have three pints of cider

and three carvery dinners, please.

It states if they are bought by an adult

and accompanied by an adult.

No adult, no alcohol, I'm afraid.

This isn't over.

Hello, sir. My name's William.

I'll pay for your drinks all night

if you'll order three pints of cider

and three carvery dinners

and then come and sit with my friends and me.

You don't have to talk to us,

you merely need to stay sitting with us.

Yeah, all right.

Terry, I'll have three ciders, three carveries

and four double rum and cokes, please, mate.

As many as four?

-Sorted. -Who's that?

-This is, what's your name? -Steve.

-Steve. He'll be joining us. -Why?

-All right, Steve? -Where are our drinks?

It's a long story that involves Steve as well.

Before we get our cider--

-Cider? -Yes, cider.

-We've got to go to the carvery. -Have you gone mental?

What's Carli going to think? "Simon's pretty cool."

"He goes out and has meat and gravy with his booze."

We're not going to get served unless we each get a carvery.

-Nice work, briefcase. -[scoffs] For Christ's sake.

-You coming then, Neil? -Get mine for me.

-All right? -Yep.

I just lost ten quid on a fruity.

-Really? -Yeah.

Oi!

[mobile phone beeps]

Shit, it's from Carli.

Brilliant. She asking if your fit mate Jay's coming?

No, she's saying it's so packed she can't see where we are.

-Is she a retard? -She's in the Black Horse.

-Where are we? -Black Bull.

Right, so we're in the wrong pub. Let's go.

We've got three carveries on the way.

Neil, how could you confuse the Black Bull with the Black Horse?

Come on, I was half right.

[machine beeps]

[dance music playing]

-Boner. Boner. -Good start.

-Boner. -Boner.

-I'm going to find Carli. -Whose round?

-New boy's. -Again?

-Yep. -Aww.

Simon.

-Simon. -Hi.

Where have you been? Come and sit down.

Hi.

-Don't be shy, squeeze up. -Oh, really?

Yeah. Tom's just coming back with the drinks.

Cool.

-[student 1] Boner. -[student 2] Boner.

Tom, this is Simon I was telling you about.

You all right, mate?

Yeah. Bit pissed. Been to the Black Bull first

just to sharpen up.

Wow, this is a new Simon.

You cried when your dad poured whiskey

over the Christmas pudding.

At least I didn't make myself sick in my plate

when it had peas on it.

Thanks for bringing that up.

-Lee Sharp. -Lee Sharp.

-It's definitely Lee Sharp. -Lee Sharp.

Lee Sharp.

Roy Keane...

Four pints, please.

-ID, please? -You've got to be kidding me.

-Can't serve you without ID. -Do you do food?

Kitchen's closed.

I'll just take the four pints then.

I'll just see your ID then.

Look, I've spent all night trying to buy one drink

so I can take part in this poxy school tradition,

so I'd like four pints of lager, please.

ID, please.

-We should get going, Carl. -Yeah.

-You're going already? -We've been here for two hours.

Sure.

Do you want a lift back, Simon? Tom's got a car.

'Course he has. No.

-Come on, Carls. See you, mate. -See you later, Simon. Bye.

Bye. See you.

-Lee Sharp. Lee Sharp. -Lee Sharp.

-It's definitely Lee Sharp. -Lee Sharp. Lee Sharp.

Giggsy.

-Four. Pints. Of lager. -ID.

Look. Just look around you.

Everyone in this bloody pub is underage.

[students exclaiming]

He's underage. She's underage.

He looks a bit older because he's uglier,

but he's in the year below me.

Look at that bumfluff. Sixteen.

That bra's got padding in it. Sixteen.

His mum still buys his trousers. Sixteen.

Sixteen. At a push, 17.

Sixteen. And this one, Mark Donovan.

Yeah, he looks old and he's meant to be hard,

but he's still only 16.

All these people you've served, whatever bloody ID they've used,

are underage.

Right, we're closed. Everyone out.

[students exclaiming in disappointment]

You lot are all barred. Out.

Nice to see you again, McKenzie.

And congratulations on doing my job for me.

I'll make sure you get another badge for this.

-Sir... -Now get out.

I want to have a pint.

Pint of lager, please, Ian.

I don't care how fit your mum is, I wouldn't be seen

dead with you.

You coming, Si?

Ah, no. I said I'd look after supergrass here.

I'd better not leave him on his own, just in case.

Why you staying with that bellend?

I am here.

Yeah, I wish you weren't. See you later then.

What a first day. I'm such a twat.

Yes, you are. That was pretty specialist back there.

"His mum still buys his trousers"

was a personal highlight.

Thanks. I made that up. Who was that guy with Carli?

A friend, who didn't need ID. And had a car.

-I'm sorry, mate. -No, it's okay.

Please don't hit me.

I'm not going to hit you here, but I will get you.

You won't know when it's coming, but it is coming.

At some point in the next year, I will get you.

Is that your mum? She is fit.

Thanks.

Lovely to meet you, Mrs. McKenzie.

I will see you later, Will, yeah?

Nice to meet you. He seems nice.

He's the school psycho who just threatened to kill me.

-I'm glad you're making friends. -Do mums ever listen?

[Will] I'd had an eventful first day.

My quest for friends had led to me alienating

the entire school,

and the psychotic head of Sixth Form.

The really good news is I'm now on the school nutter's

"To Stab" list,

if he doesn't shag my mum first.

Maybe I should've just stuck with the freaks.

At least things can only get better,

or they could just stay the same.

Or get worse.