Original subtitles

This is the easiest assignment Stockwell has ever given us.

Tracing down this little trinket.

But it counts. It counts against the total number of missions, right?

That's what Stockwell said.

He called it a freebie. Still I don't like it.

Frankie, give them some smoke.

"The man who chases too many dollars, chases disappointment."

It's too long.

Eight words. Eight words is the ideal fortune in a fortune cookie.

Okay, then it's dumb. Besides, it's not true.

"Man who must write 200 fortunes by Monday,

"needs support of all friends around him."

Two hundred over the weekend?

Listen, pal, they don't stop eating fortune cookies on the weekend.

They must eat at least 14 million Sunday night alone.

Well, I hope you're getting paid by the cookie.

You know, you better crank this up, they should be here any minute.

Go. We'll take these guys for a ride.

Yo, check this out. Look at this thing.

What the...

This thing is cursed, man, I can feel it in my bones.

There's no such thing as a curse.

Man who do not believe in curse, may suffer bad luck.

What was that disturbance?

Did we take a hit?

All right, saddle up, boys, this is where we're jumping out.

We gonna jump? We gonna jump? All right.

Could you hold this a second?

Well, why do I want this thing?

Hey.

I don't want to be stuck with this thing. Hey, Face!

What took you so long, huh?

Did you forget something? Here.

Oh, there it is, we were looking for that.

Make sure this isn't busted.

Thanks for dropping in when you did, 'cause those guys were about to...

Looks like it's in one piece.

I think he's trying to say thank you.

Thank you?

English. Oh, you speak English.

English, English, yeah, English. Yes, yes, yes.

My name is Murdock, H.M. Murdock.

Murdocka, Murdocka.

Murdock. No "Ah."

Murdocka.

Listen, could anyone tell us where we are?

You're on Toga.

Do you have a radio? Or telephone?

- Telephone! - No.

Oh, now wait a minute, what's going on here, huh?

He has saved our people from disaster.

He is the answer to our prayers.

The Great King Murdocka has been sent here from the heavens.

Topu.

Or not topu. That is the question.

But apparently I just did them a real big favor

by driving off the warrior tribesmen of Toga Toga.

Toga Toga?

Yeah, that's their cousins from across the bay.

They used to live in peace for years, but now,

lately they've been coming over here and bagging people for their island.

Is there a population shortage or something?

- Headhunters. - What?

Yep. Headhunters.

Right at the neck.

They hunt heads?

See all those little sacks that they left behind?

- Those are heads in there? - That's it.

Don't worry I've activated the homing device.

Good, good.

Hannibal and B.A. should be able to triangulate us from that.

Make thunder! Make thunder!

No, no, no, no, no, Chief. Chief, I only make thunder once a week.

Monk! He look like monk.

I look like a monk?

I heard you talk about them before. Where are these monks?

In monastery.

Do they have a telephone or radio?

Yes. Radio. Talk in box.

Where is this monastery?

On island of Toga Toga.

Toga Toga. Well, at least we know where there's a radio.

It is custom. King must take bride.

Most beautiful woman of all island.

Oh, look, Chief, I mean, I couldn't possibly choose the most beautiful...

- You do not have to choose right away. - Good.

Romance all women. It is duty of King.

I would have been perfect for this job.

But if King fails to please even one,

it is proof he is not god.

What's the penalty?

Death.

Patea!

Patea! This man is hut builder.

Build hut for this man.

Hut fall down in rain storm. Man very angry.

Throw fire-bone in builder's hut.

Burn hut to the ground.

Now both men want hut built for them.

Patea. Justice.

Patea. A hut is very important.

Therefore these two men

will rebuild each other's hut.

And until they are finished,

they will live together as hut-mates.

And learn to respect and love each other for all time.

For in the words of the great god Joe Namath,

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut.

It's getting stronger, Hannibal.

Yeah?

Shorten the triangle, see if you can pin them down.

Heard there was cannibals on some of these islands.

Hello, General.

Where are you?

Five miles west of the Toga Toga Islands.

Well, you're off course, the rendezvous is Kantalia.

I know that. We had a slight delay.

You have the crystal skull?

Not exactly.

Well, if you're on the beach, catching rays, Colonel Smith,

I will rescind my offer of a mission credit for this simple pick-up and delivery.

Stockwell, the plane crashed. They had to parachute.

You know the President plans to return the skull to King Fassad of Baraq

tomorrow evening at a state dinner.

I'm aware of that. My first priority is finding my men.

Just keep in mind, if the President fails to keep his promise,

this could result in strained relations in the Middle East.

Sorry, General, the Middle East will have to wait.

I'll tell you guys I'm not crazy about spending the night here, all right.

I just hope Hannibal's closing in.

Your wedding date has been set.

I haven't chosen a bride yet.

Your friend has chosen for you.

- So, I might have... - Frankie...

...made an offhand comment about this lady

- I thought was particularly cute. - Frankie.

I am Leesa,

your humble servant.

I do as you command.

No, no, no, you're not my servant,

and you don't have to do as I command. I mean I can't...

This woman will not serve me.

This woman will be my equal.

The women's movement comes to Toga Island.

It is time for you to bless the meal.

Let us be thankful for the peace and joy here on Toga today

and for this bounty that is before us.

May we continue to prosper and love, forever...

Well said, my son.

It's the monks!

Oh, boy, are we glad to see you guys.

Yeah, we heard you have a radio.

It seems we have a new god on the island of Toga.

Can I speak to you behind the totem pole here?

Hi, I'm H.M. Murdock from Washington, DC.

I am Brother Marino, this is Brother Francisco.

We bring the word of God to these islands.

That's wonderful. It really is wonderful.

I mean, let me explain what's going on here.

I know what it looks like.

See, we're trying to get out of here.

And these people, they mistook

me and the skull...

We understand.

That's a relief.

This man is not a god.

We see him make magic.

Fall from sky.

Bring thunder stick.

Bring sacred head.

The great Murdock will pass the test of the great Tatoopoo.

Tatoopoo? What's the Tatoopoo?

The test of immortality.

Wait a second here, the only way to test immortality,

would be to see if a guy

is mortal.

Tomorrow at dawn, the test of fire.

No. No. No.

Listen, I could make a flame retardant, you know,

like the stuntmen use in the movies.

No.

Really. All it is is a mixture of asbestos, hydrogen glutamate and aloe.

I got asbestos and HG in my knapsack.

Aloe? Where are we gonna get aloe?

We'll tap some.

That's not a cactus, that's a palm tree.

No, it feels like aloe to me.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no. - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I told you it'd work.

Think I have blisters all over the bottom of my feet. Do you wanna kiss them?

No. No, don't hurt them. These are the good guys.

All right! Johnny! B.A.!

Are we glad to see you guys.

Where's the skull?

- That's a very long story. - Long story.

Yeah, it is.

Hey, man, pretending to be a god ain't cool.

You're gonna pay one day.

Come on, we've got 10 hours to rendezvous.

The end of an era, huh?

No, no it's just a strategy, you know?

You let your opponent think that he's defeated you,

so you can surprise him.

Looks like you've lost a little of the old magic, Murdocka.

Murdock, look I suggest that you take care of this right now.

I know I... I should never have...

Listen, I've been trying to tell you I'm...

I'm not a god, I'm just another guy, another man.

I mean, I wanna help you that's all.

Me and my friends, we're gonna help you.

We're gonna go and get Leesa and we're gonna get that skull, and we're gonna...

We're gonna bring it back.

We're gonna help you. That's all we've been trying to do is help.

The rendezvous with Stockwell is at 1800.

I bet those Australians ain't far behind.

Yeah. How's it coming, Murdock?

Ta-da.

Oogah-boogah.

Hello, General.

I'm on my way to the rendezvous point. You have the crystal skull?

Well, we know where it is.

You told me the team had it in its possession.

A Chief Saderaka has it.

Well, then go get it.

Oh, you see, the island is full of cannibals and...

The President is calling me every hour.

If he can't return that skull to King Fassad,

King Fassad can't put his countries oldest religious object back in his museum.

That means he's broken a promise to his people,

the President's broken his promise to him,

I've broken my promise to the President,

and you've broken your promise to me.

Now, in that scenario whose dog gets kicked?

We're all invited to the White House for dinner.

It's still there safe and sound.

Frankie, get as close as you can.

B.A. and I'll go straight in and grab the skull.

- What about Leesa? - We'll get her later. Go.

You helped us conquer the other islands.

And you said that we were supreme.

Now there is another god?

Hey. Don't worry about him.

This lady will stay.

We got a deadline with Wo Tong. She works like the others.

No.

Yes.

What's the story?

The Chief's got all the comforts of home.

Furniture, radio, a diamond the size of a rock.

And those monks, they're leaving and they got Uzis under their robes.

Boy, they had the nerve to question my motives.

Where are they going?

They're taking them to work somewhere.

Work? What kind of work?

Come on, you bunch of heathens.

Put some back into it.

Digging diamonds here, men.

Come on.

Come on.

The replacements are here.

About time.

These rats are spent, and we're still short on the load.

They're taking Leesa.

Frankie, you and Face check out that mine.

Come on, guys.

And that's what you get, when you don't do what I tell you.

Maybe you'll listen from now on.

Get rid of these two.

Get up, you lazy heathens, come on, let's go, you heard the man.

Go. Get up. Let's get out of here, come on.

Let's move it.

Come on. Faster.

Face.

How many are down there?

Just the guy with the whip. But he's gonna miss his partner before long.

Dig.

What the hell...

Throw down!

What about the skull?

We'll have to come back for it.

What the hell is the matter with you guys?

I set you up here because you convinced me

you were the tough American mercenaries

who could make this chain of islands fall in line.

Hey, we got you six out of seven islands.

We would have gone seven for seven if that jerk hadn't fallen out of the sky

and proclaimed himself a god.

Who are those people?

Beats me.

They handle their weapons pretty good. I'd say they were hired guns.

Hired guns.

They've seen the mines and the monastery?

All right. We must hit them before they have a chance to make a move.

Bunch of fools, worshipping the king fool of all time!

Where is Haba-tika?

Haba... Haba-tika?

The crystal skull.

Oh, oh, we're working on that. We're working on that.

Remember, "Patience is a virtue that cannot be hurried."

Colonel.

A word with your majesty?

Patea's not till 4:00. I hope it's nothing serious.

The problem is Baraq could cut off relations with the United States

if the President can't deliver.

Stockwell's decided he'll meet us here at 1800 and fly the skull back personally.

Good, that's good.

Maybe Stockwell can use his influence to help these people.

Hannibal, look what's going on around here.

We gotta do something to put a stop to this.

Face, actually the Great God Murdocka

is exactly what we need right now.

Oh, I get it,

we take the natives over to the island of Toga Toga,

and attack the mercenaries and get the skull back from Chief Saderaka.

Wrong.

I've got a better plan.

Look at that idiot, he thinks he's really a god.

Where is everybody?

Looking for us?

Get out of here.

Move, move.

You, too, get moving, sucker.

Frankie, you and Face set up that monastery to blow.

We'll meet with you after we have a talk with Chief Saderaka.

Is he buying it?

He understands these are not the men of God.

But they bring him great wealth.

That's right.

And there's plenty more where that came from, Chief.

They're stealing your wealth. Putting your brothers in chains.

Making them slaves. You'll be next, sucker.

You'll be the ones working the mines!

Look, Chief, these diamonds they rightfully belong to you

and to your brothers across the bay.

Hey! Hey!

Now, ask him nicely if we can have the skull.

No. That skull is sacred to my people.

I don't think it went over too well, Hannibal.

We'll take it if we have to.

We will fight to the last man.

We will go to war. We will defend it to the death.

Hannibal, look, if they're willing to fight to the death, I mean...

You have no intention of blowing him away.

Oh, yes, I do.

Look, if there is a war, a lot of people are gonna die.

Now, there's a better way of doing this.

Why don't we do it one on one?

We'll have a fight.

The best fighter from your tribe, the best fighter from his tribe.

And whoever wins keeps the skull.

This is good. You are a wise man.

Good.

I accept.

I am ready to fight.

Get in there, B.A.

No.

First you said yes.

If Chief fight, no one less than Chief must fight.

Now wait a minute.

Isn't a king and a god greater than a chief?

It is right.

Good.

Then the Great God Murdocka can fight the Chief.

- Now, wait a minute. - I accept.

Aren't you glad you got your job back as king?

Now, wait for your opening.

And when you see it, let him have it.

His or mine?

Yours.

That a way to go, Murdock!

This is now yours.

Thank you.

I am forever your servant, me,

and all of my tribesmen.

No, no, no, no. We're just men.

I'm a pilot and my job is to fly.

You're the chief and it's your job to keep peace here on Toga.

So do it.

He's a man of great honor.

Had a hell of a time finding you fellows.

Oh, we're an elusive group.

Isn't that something to look at?

I sure am glad to see you, darling.

I don't suppose you'd be willing to give it up for the sake of world peace.

Let them kill each other, I say.

I got a buyer in Singapore waiting for this little item.

Yeah. Well, how about $10,000?

That's peanuts, mate.

Where are we gonna get that kind of money? Diamonds.

Diamonds? What's this about diamonds?

Oh, well, it's just a guy in Sydney owes me some.

You're lying.

Now, tell me about the diamonds, mate.

Don't tell him nothing, Hannibal!

The Chief here's got this diamond mine on the other side of the island.

Really? Isn't that downright interesting.

And there's a monastery full of diamonds.

See? We could make a deal, we get the skull and you guys could get the gems.

Uh-huh. Yeah, well, the deal is, we take it all, see?

And maybe let you live. And that's a big maybe.

- Oh. - Let's go.

Would you look at this thing?

Yeah. Something else, isn't it?

I mean do we really have to blow this joint?

Yeah, well, if we don't, they'll just come back in a couple of months,

and start the whole thing all over again.

Well, there it is.

It's got half a million dollars of diamonds in it.

Go scout it out.

What is going on here, my son?

You didn't say nothing about no monks.

Well, monks do go with the monastery now, don't they?

I understand you've got some diamonds.

Men of God have no need for such baubles.

You better not be trying to con me, sport.

This is the bloke that shot at us.

He ain't no monk.

Well, I just signed up.

I mean, this has no power. It can't guide or protect you, that's the truth.

It's wisdom and knowledge that will guide you

and heaven knows you have enough of that.

But there is something I'd like to give to you

as a sign of respect

for all that you have taught me.

That should scare off any enemies.

Leesa.

Yes?

I must go. You understand that?

Yes. But someday

you will return?

Come in, Empress Two.

This is Empress One to ground.

Sounds like our ride.

Back to reality.

You know, we really gotta come back here someday.

You know, and just spend some time relaxing in the sun.

Respond, Colonel Smith.

Respond please.

Hello, Stockwell.

Come on down. We got the skull.

Yes, I can see that.

I've got you on the plane's surveillance system.

Everybody wave to the General.

Hi, General.

You like that, Stockwell?

I can also see quite a party going on down there.

I knew you were on vacation.

Now, General...

Save it.

This is the last time you get an easy mission, Colonel Smith.

Talk to you later.