Original subtitles

Kicking us off, as she does every year,

the First Lady of British folk music herself...

...Shirley Collins.

Happy Eel Day, everyone.

d Adieu to Old England, adieu

d And adieu to some hundreds of pounds

d If the world had been ended

d When I had been young

d My sorrows I'd never have known

d Once I could drink of the best

d The very best brandy and rum

d Now I'm glad of a cup of spring water

d That flows from town to town

d Adieu to Old England, adieu

d And adieu to some hundreds of pounds

d If the world had been ended

d When I had been young

d My sorrows I'd never have known. d

Come on, Town Mouse. Wake up.

Everyone's waiting! Stop smacking me!

What do you mean waiting? Waiting for what?

You! Eel Queen.

Me, Eel Queen?

No, no. It can't be me.

Please, please!

Stop. Stop!

What am I wearing?!

You can't just knock people out and change their clothes.

Ha!

If I haven't got my pants on, I'm calling the police.

Oh, no, it's Linda. It's never. It's Linda, look!

Please, please.

This has gotten way out of hand. I need a wee.

All Hail Linda, the first-ever Eel Queen.

All hail, Linda.

Why am I going in the water?

Need to cleanse you before the festival.

Just symbolic is all.

Summer solstice.

Death of the old, birth of the new.

It's a joyful thing, Linda.

Try and enjoy it.

Don't worry. We'll be in and out like a cantucci.

Linda, as you make your journey through menopause, we baptise

you with immersion,

using the cleansing and healing powers of water,

signifying death, burial and resurrection.

We celebrate your rebirth

as you share these magical waters

with the eel, as it makes its way back to the Sargasso Sea,

back to its destiny.

Sounds like the menopause to me, Linda.

Three cheers for Linda. Hip-hip...

What makes you so bloody special? Nothing. That's what!

Here's to friendship.

CHEERING

In my eyes.

I've got soap in me eyes. Ah!

Where's the towels?

Kids, please hang the towels up!

Ah!

HE GROANS

Ah! Ah, thank God.

Oh, that's better.

APPLAUSE

The procession starts at 3pm outside the Five Alls.

You enjoy today, Linda.

Well, I mean, I don't know what's going to happen.

It's all getting a bit too Wicker Man for me.

Joy? Joy? Uh-huh? Can I have a word with you, please?

Oh, can it wait, Linda? I'm busy uploading everything onto

the live feed. What's going on?

Why did they pick me?

The Eel sisters wanted it to be a childless woman.

Like them.

I'm sure whatever you've done,

you've done it for a good reason.

You represent change, Linda.

That's what today is all about.

You're a menopausal woman passing through.

Not only that, you brought the community together.

The eviction notice, Faither's memorial,

the men's menopause and curry night.

We've changed people's minds.

You make the perfect Eel Queen.

Enjoy your moment.

Oh, and smile!

More. More!

WHISTLING

No, no, no!

Kids!

Did you see that? Did you see what happened?

I gave you one job.

Match it up, then put it in!

They can't hear me.

I don't fucking believe it.

Get this down to Pig Man and he'll get it down to the Verderer.

Righto, Carm. Mind them fins, they're fragile.

Almost done, Cinderella.

Can I see? Yeah.

Take a photo.

Let me see. Let me see.

Oh! Oh, my God.

I love it!

It says put... Match the Tupperware.

Don't match the Tupperware.

Match the Tupperware. PHONE RINGS

What?

Slow down, Siobhain.

You've seen Linda where?

What's...? What's Instagram stories?

Is it on WhatsApp or another messaging...?

Send it. Hang on.

All hail Linda the first-ever Eel Queen!

All hail, Linda!

Well, I wasn't expecting that, but you know.

What do you mean she hasn't told anyone about us?

Why would she do that? I...

I've been here run ragged the last few weeks,

like a slave.

Literally like an unpaid slave.

Why would she not tell anyone about us?

I'll tell you what. Time's up, Linda.

I am not invisible.

I am... Argh!

That's my ankle!

Can't you see me?

Happy Eel Day, Jim.

I've got something for you to try on from the Eel Sisters.

I'll watch the tree for you while you're gone.

Kids!

I'm off to do a couple of hours of fishing with the lads.

I'll be back before tea.

Don't burn the house down!

Welcome to the 2022 Eel Festival!

CHEERING

As you know, we're doing things a bit different this year.

Yeah, we're still celebrating eels.

Wouldn't be no eel festival without eels. But giving it a woman's touch.

Yeah! From time immemorial, we women have had masculine iconography

and phallic symbolism shoved down our throat.

From prehistoric cave art and Greek mythology to the totem and maypoles.

I thought the maypoles represented crops coming up out of the ground.

Well, it don't! It represents male fertility.

It represents something coming up but it ain't a courgette!

So this year it's going to be less of this.

And a bit more of this!

CHEERING

What's up, lads? Female representations of fertility

offend you?

You was born out of one of these, unless you've come out

of some poor woman's asshole. What is it, though?

Sheela na gig, Brian.

Medieval stone carving. Some say a fertility goddess,

some say an architectural grotesque to ward off evil.

But we're reclaiming her as a woman who don't give a shit!

CHEERING

For thousands of years we've been looking at men's willies.

Well, you can look at our fannies for a bit.

MEN CHEER

On our terms! Aw!

Unbuckle me, Brian.

Go on, Brian. Go on, Brian. Unbuckle her.

Today we celebrate women's transition from one world

to the next, from puberty and menopause,

and finally rebirth.

And as we mark the eel's final journey back to its birthplace

in the Sargasso Sea... To reproduce and die,

let us also mark woman's

as she embarks on her final journey back to her true self!

Over to you, Linda, Eel Queen!

May all your transitions be joyful.

May all your transitions be joyful!

MUSIC STARTS

You look banging. Well, thank God for that.

It's a minefield for white people, Joy,

all this blackface stuff. No, it isn't.

Just don't do it, Tone.

TRILLING, CHEERING AND CLAPPING

Wait for me! I'm one of the eel children.

I'm one of the eel children!

You've made it!

You've got your fins!

The first station is...

...puberty.

Puberty, puberty!

Would a girl like to come up?

Willow! Yeah, go on!

Puberty where it all begins.

As she transitions from childhood to adulthood,

everything changes.

Yep. No longer a child, not yet a woman,

she tries to make sense of her unfamiliar changing body.

Aw! Cute, she's ready.

LINDA COUGHS

It happens so fast, doesn't it, Willow?

One day you're packing your favourite teddy for a sleepover,

and the next it's sanitary towels. LAUGHTER

Do you know how I dealt with my puberty, Willow?

I became a Goth.

You won't think this because the world is doing a really good job

of telling you the exact opposite,

but what you look like is not the most important thing about you.

That's right. That's right.

So don't waste time comparing yourself to others or worrying

about what other people think of you,

and don't...

And don't wait until you're 50 to love yourself,

because you, Willow, are brilliant and amazing and unique.

And there's no-one else like you.

We're not meant to look the same.

We're supposed to be different.

Our fingerprints, our faces. Our vulvas.

Woo!

I wasn't going to mention vulvas but now you have,

every single vulva in this procession today is completely

unique and magical.

Vulvas are like snowflakes made of gammon.

LAUGHTER

Thank you, Willow.

May all your transitions be joyful.

Make all your transitions be joyful!

Ready?

CHEERING

Oi, do you guys know Linda?

CHEERING AND MUSIC

The second station - menopause.

Menopause!

Would a menopausal women like to come up?

Sarah?

Go on, Sarah! Go on!

Well, I'd just like to say

me and the lads was firmly against the womanisation

of the festival at first.

But we think it's right

women has a go, at last!

And, well, we need to know about the menopause and all,

so we can help our wives when they're fucking mental.

Yeah. Mm.

Thank you, Brian.

Nice to have a man's perspective on the menopause.

Well spoken.

Ravaged by menstruation, pregnancy,

childbirth, breast-feeding,

high heels and spandex. Must now prepare for its final onslaught.

Amnesia, anxiety, depression,

cardiovascular disease,

osteoporosis.

And last but not least, vaginal dryness!

Thank you.

I didn't know anything about the menopause until a man told me

I was in it.

Sounds right!

I thought I had dementia.

You too, Sarah.

Without the menopause,

I wouldn't have had the confidence to come here.

I wouldn't have made new friends, and I wouldn't be Eel Queen.

And I know that every menopause is different

and that a third of women will be having a really, really hard

time of it, and it hasn't been plain sailing for me,

but I feel great.

I really do.

I feel liberated...

and powerful,

like I've joined a club of cool, wise, brilliant women.

And I see them.

And I know that they see me.

I see you, Sarah.

Thank you.

May all your transitions be joyful.

May all your transitions be joyful!

CHEERING

The third station - rebirth.

Rebirth!

As she approaches her final chapter, Reborn Woman realises

all the violations and inequalities her foremathers endured.

The sexual harassment, objectification, unequal pay,

molestation, the loss of autonomy,

the belittling. The rape, the murder,

the domestic violence, honour killings.

Female genital mutilation.

Breast ironing. Arranged marriages.

Child brides. Prostitution. ICE CREAM TRUCK JINGLES

Ooh! Ice cream.

Oh, ask him if he does rum and raisin.

Reborn Woman realises she will die before any of these are eliminated.

Perhaps this is the cause of her anger,

not the lack of oestrogen.

Yes!

Come on, Jackie. It's your turn now.

CHEERING

Linda.

This is what today is all about,

coming out the other side.

We recognise and celebrate you, Jackie.

You made it.

You made it!

May all your transitions be joyful!

Make all your transitions be joyful!

Come on, Jackie! Jackie, come on!

CHAINSAW

Faither's memorial.

Would you like to say a few words, Eel Queen?

Yeah. Yeah. OK.

Um...

As you all know, this was Faither's favourite spot.

I never met Faither, but I know how important

he was to the community.

You'll all each have your own personal memories of him,

both good and bad.

And so let's take a moment to remember those now.

CHAINSAW ROARING

GASPING

Tree!

WHISPERING

It's been here hundreds of years, just like our forefathers.

And foremathers. Maybe it's a magic tree.

Linda?

Who the fuck are you?

d Oh, Sally, my dear, it's you I'd be kissing

d Oh, Sally, my dear, it's you I'd be kissing

d She smiled and replied you don't know what you're missing. d

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