Original subtitles

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

RECORD CRACKLES

GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

d The day I turned my life around

d Was a day like any other

d I tried to start all over again

d I was warned by another

d A circle in a spiral

d A never-ending line

d A solitary weakness

d A ream that you'd be right

d La, la, la, la, over and over again

d I'm going round in circles

d Around and round and round

d Like I'm riding on a cartwheel

d But I can make a sound

d I'm deep into the quicksand

d Sinking below

d All that's left is my land

d Down, down I go

d La, la, la, la, over and over again

d La, la, la, la, over and over again

d Again, again, again, again, again. d

DOORBELL RINGS

Well, we should have...

Angela, could I speak? Am I allowed to speak? It's only my show.

If you want to rant about the Eel Queen,

you can do that on Joy's show. Let me just say, right...

Or, or Radio Four's dreadful Woman's Hour.

But the thing is... I mean, why is it still on?

Why is it still on?

But can I...? No-one wants to hear about menstruation,

rape and female genital mutilation at ten in the morning, Angela.

Listen to me. No... If there's a woman's hour,

where's the hour for black people...

..or midgets, or people that identify as Klingon?

There are people that identify as Klingon, Angela.

You sellotape a mars bar to your head, put a Tina Turner wig on...

No, I just... ...you're a Klingon.

PHONE RINGS This is a rich country.

There's no such thing as food poverty.

I'm living up a tree and I've got cheese.

You know, if the poor people in this country are going hungry,

it's because they're spending their benefits on fags and gnomes.

Solomon is on line two. Hello, Solomon.

Now them bones have been found,

development's halted and your birds are safe,

some say you're no longer a local hero,

just some bigot up a tree.

Well, thank you for that, Solomon.

They're safe for now,

but whether this site becomes a crime scene or an archaeological

dig, the developers will be back, with their chainsaws,

and I, for one, am not going anywhere.

Isaiah is on line three.

Hello, Isaiah.

You ain't even a real Verderer.

Stick it up your ar...

OK, let's have some music now, then, shall we?

But, before we do, a big shout out to Neil and Christine Hamilton,

who sent me a crate of cheese.

It's unbelievable. Honestly, if someone had told me 20 years ago

that I'd be living up a tree,

chomping on a pound of Stinking Bishop that the leader

of the Ukip party had sent me, I wouldn't have believed them.

Humbled.

Truly humbled.

You know, I might be defecating like a tramp up here,

but I'm eating like a king.

So, what will you do?

The right thing. All right.

Well, just don't rush into anything.

I know you. It's very well having socialist principles,

but not if you hand over your entire inheritance.

Think of the cats.

I've spent three weeks thinking about this will, Joy.

Faither Watkins had sex with Mum once

and never did nothing for her nor me when he was alive.

He's not my faither. I don't want his eel cafe or eel king title,

or stewardship of the eel festival.

I'd like to have my half-sister's mind, if they'll have me.

I can't believe no-one saw it. The resemblance is uncanny.

It's going to hit Uncle hard.

His brain will explode.

He doesn't need to know.

He's been like a faither to me since Mum died.

BELL TINKLES

Hey. What's happened to your eye?

Er...

Bird flew into it.

What the hell's going on?

Punch-up at the pub.

The Verderer is furious that Ryan got hurt.

What does he expect, putting that shit out there?

Tony ended it, according to Ryan.

He asked the idiots what Ryan's pronouns had to do with them,

and they said they didn't know, they hadn't really thought about it,

so he said, "Well, maybe you should think about it"

and he whacked them with a pool cue.

Hmm.

Joy, I want to talk to you about something.

About why I was at the mine entrance?

I was wondering when you were going to ask that. Er, what?

I was mining ochre.

SHE GASPS For you heart?

Yeah.

But taking from the land is frowned upon

if you're not from here, Lin, so...

Keep it on the low-down.

I will.

Oh, it's down-low.

Oh, what is? You said low-down.

No, I didn't.

OK.

Joy? Yeah.

There's something else I wanted to ask you.

TWIG SNAPS

That is a really lovely idea, Lin.

The town would really appreciate that.

OK.

You know, let's mull it over.

These things can be really personal.

Oh, yeah.

OK.

Look, look, boys, boys, listen to this.

"Few tasks are more similar to the torment of Sisyphus,

"with its endless repetition, than those of the housewife.

"Day after day, one must wash dishes, dust furniture, mend clothes

"that would be dirty, dusty and torn again.

"The housewife wears herself out, running on the spot.

"She never gains the sense that she's conquering,

"a positive good but struggles indefinitely against evil."

This is my life.

So, that's what Ryan wants to do.

Always were a lovely child.

We got half-sibling, Carm.

We have!

Could've take Ryan in when Sarah died if we'd known.

Oh, well, Verderer did a decent job.

You'll make sure the cats want for nothing.

Always felt there was someone missing, I did.

Oh, and another thing that Linda wanted me to ask you...

I told her, we ain't doing vegan eels. Nor eel karaoke.

A memorial for Faither...

...for the community, as part of the festival procession.

Didn't have the guts to ask us herself, Saint Linda?

Too busy do-gooding? Collecting the Verderer's shit bags

and teaching the men about the menopause not enough for her?

She wanted it to be a surprise, and I know how much you hate those.

This is why I'm telling you,

because I don't want anyone getting punched in the face again.

She doesn't know about the will or Ryan yet,

and she thought you'd appreciate it,

that it'd be good for morale, you know, to unite the town?

The redevelopment and the Eel Festival has been so divisive.

But, obviously, it's complicated for you both, so...

Why don't you sleep on it?

Do what you want.

We don't give a shit, do we, Carm? No, we do not.

Cantucci.

Hmm?

Cantucci.

Can I what?

A biscuit. Oh, yes, please.

Thanks. Italian almond biscuits, specially for coffee. Oh, lovely.

I think they're off.

No, it's supposed to be like that. You dunk it in the coffee.

Oh, right.

You can suck it if you like. Mm!

Mm!

Nice? Mm! Really nice.

I wish they'd hurry up and date these bones.

I feel a bit vulnerable in the caravan on my own.

Don't worry about it, Linda, I'm sure it's all very innocent.

Yeah, you're right. Nothing to worry about.

Someone probably just died of natural causes

when they were out walking.

Fell over, some soil blew on them,

and then no-one reported them missing.

I never really thanked you for ripping that eviction notice

off and bringing it to the meeting.

Oh, I probably wasn't supposed to do that.

Well, it meant a lot to me. Hmm.

Erm...

Linda? Mm?

There's something I really want to show you.

Oh. Will you come inside?

Yeah.

Oh, God!

I'm sorry, Pig Man, but I don't see you like that at all.

And I'm sorry if I've ever given you that impression,

but I genuinely don't think that I have.

No, Linda, I'm not... Can't men and women just be friends

without men always thinking there's something in it.

And - newsflash - we really don't want to look at your penises

all the time, OK? Babies - that's what we like looking at.

Babies and dogs and cats in costumes, not penises.

I know it's a power thing. What if women expose their vulvas to men?

Oh, hello, my name's Linda.

My life hasn't turned out how I wanted it to.

I've got no power. Look at my vagina.

Linda, please.

Please, just... turn around.

I haven't got my penis out.

Oh, my God, my time capsule!

It's in really good nick still.

There, there! That's where it fell out of my backpack

when I was climbing up the tree.

Oh, my God.

Oh...

Mum's spoon.

Breaking was our thing.

SHE LAUGHS AND SNIFFS

Hmm.

We used to pick this together on, on walks.

Got loads.

Sorry.

Why have you got my...? I meant to tell you that first day,

but the longer I left it, the harder it got.

SHE GASPS Porky!

Oh, my God.

HE SIGHS

It's given me so much comfort over the years.

What's going on, Pig Man?

My daughter, Holly.

I'd just almost tripped over.

That's why she's laughing.

She wasn't with us very long.

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry.

Her mum took the photo.

We...

Well, our marriage didn't survive it.

Her illness, I mean, not the...

Not the trip.

It's funny how, as a parent, you'd give anything for a minute's peace.

What I wouldn't give now for one more minute with her.

She was mad about pigs.

I know it sounds daft, but...

...this is where I feel closest to her.

How old was she?

Ten.

The same age I was when I hid the capsule.

God, you must have thought it was some kind of sign, or...

To find a toy pig where your boars' truffles grow.

Maybe it's a magic tree.

Yeah.

Maybe it was planted on a ley line.

When I was a kid,

I used to think there was something really special about this place.

Something...

...otherly.

I know what you mean.

LOW RUMBLING

RUMBLING STOPS

Was it a school project?

No, no.

When my mum died, I decided to bury everything I loved.

I was so furious with God.

I remember thinking, "Right, well, just have everything, then.

"Have it all." My way of coping, I suppose.

BANGING

There you are.

Siobhan!

How did you...? Found my phone. Weird kid in a cafe,

two weird sisters in another cafe,

small man up a tree and, hey, presto.

I knew it. I told Steve there was someone else,

but he wouldn't have it, the gullible dick.

Oh, boo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

"I'm Linda. I've locked my grief in a time capsule."

"I've got the menopause."

"I want people to know me as Linda,

"not as somebody's wife and mum."

Oh, you didn't know there was a husband and kids at home, did you?

Oh, shame.

We're not... I knew it. I knew you didn't have it in you

to go off on your own.

I knew there had to be a man involved.

All this finding yourself bullshit,

when all you've found is Jesus of Nazareth here.

Do you rise again on the third day, do you, mate?

Oh! Maybe you rise every day.

You dirty Bertie, Lin! That's enough, Siobhan!

I'm going to give you two some space.

No, this is your home. We'll go outside. OK.

Great to meet you.

Put a T-shirt on. Linda... Linda!

Phew!

Have you seriously traded in your husband and kids

for Crocodile Dundee, some twat up a tree, and two weird eel women

who have to be the biggest pair of cunts I've ever met?

And I've met Ant and Dec.

It's been really good for me, this trip, Siobhan.

It's been bloody selfish, is what it's been.

I'm entitled to have some time to myself.

You should do the same.

Leave me out of this. This has got nothing to do with me.

It obviously has. It's always about you.

It always has been.

You didn't need to take Mum's role, Siobhan.

You were just a kid yourself.

But you did, because that was the only way that you could

deal with her death. And I let you because I could see that

it filled a hole. But it stops now.

It's exhausting.

I love you, Siobhan.

But, please...

You're not Mum.

So, live your life and let me live mine.

Mistakes and all.

Three weeks on your own and

you've turned into a right cocky little shit.

Oh, God.

The truth will out, Linda, because it always does.

Tell them who you are and stop being a weird idiot.

Or I will.

And why are you dressed like Julian Cope?

Twat.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut you off there, Jackie.

Breaking news just in -

the results are back from the lab and has been confirmed

that the bones found by the developers are definitely human.

They've been sent off for further analysis.

The plot thickens.

Back after this.

ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

There you go.

Ah...

The wife's found out about Lin's fucking ledger.

It's causing a lot of problems.

They're already timing and costing their chores now.

They said it already adds up to a spa weekend.

You better hope this don't catch on, Steve.

It's like the Icelandic women's strike of 1975 all over again.

Jesus Christ.

Hello?

Ags?

Is anyone home?

Hello?

Oh! Could you stop doing that?

What?

I just want to tell you that I'm staying in the pub tonight

because they found... As you know, the bones are human,

but they haven't dated them yet,

and I don't fancy staying out in the woods on my own in a caravan

with no lock on the door.

Human bones, you say? Whoa! Please!

Why don't you have a drink with us, Linda?

Settle them nerves.

You'll get some of faither's special whisky out.

And maither's special glasses.

No, no, I just want to go.

It's very nice of you, but, but I'd just much rather...

Oh, sorry.

I'd be honoured to have some of faither's special whisky

out of one of maither's special glasses. Thank you.

Thank you.

The water of life.

SHE CHOKES AND COUGHS

SHE HACKS LOUDLY

BIRDS' WINGS FLAP

Don't fret about no bones, Linda, nor your tree.

Oh, all right. I won't fret, then.

Why is no-one bothered about this?

It's all sorted, Linda.

Great-great-grandfaither seen to it.

Great-great-grandfaither... Here we go again.

...he was born on this land over by them bins,

and was returned to it over there, by that tree.

Got dug up.

Then was returned to another part of it.

Do you know what?

Really sick of these riddles.

Why don't you just speak norm...?

No!

You didn't.

The bones are great-great-grandfaither's?

Oh...

Hah!

Isn't that illegal? Not round here.

Forest rules.

Do others know?

Them as need to know knows.

Forest folk what has the forest in their hearts.

And the pathologist's office. And the police.

And third cousin Bernadette.

Her loves digging up bones.

And now you.

And now me.

See, Carm? Digging up the past does sometimes work.

We trust you, Linda.

And we don't want the whole town knowing,

so keep it on the low-down.

I will.

Oh, it's down-low.

What is?

You said...

Nothing.

Cheers.

Here's to friendship.

And truth.

SHE SWALLOWS LOUDLY

Jesus! You swallow loudly.

d Oh, Sally, my dear, it's you I'd be kissing

d She smiled and replied, "You don't know what you're missing."

d Oh, Sally, my dear, I wish I could wed you... d

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