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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:06,466 --> 00:01:10,665 On display this evening, a pastiche of painting from oddball-land. 2 00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:14,572 The poet Sir Max Beerbohm reflected that no one ever died of laughter. 3 00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:17,440 Object of brush and palette: the rebuttal. 4 00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:20,709 The clown is Jackie Slater. His occupation, a comedian. 5 00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:24,718 His aspiration is to collect funny bones and hang them on the walls of his life... 6 00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:27,254 to hide the cracked plaster and yellowed wallpaper... 7 00:01:27,321 --> 00:01:30,758 that is part of the interior decoration of failure. 8 00:01:30,824 --> 00:01:35,455 Poor Jackie Slater: A bad joke told in a foreign language in an empty hall. 9 00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:37,464 The comic unable to coax laughter. 10 00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,830 The painting is called Make Me Laugh. 11 00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:42,927 And this lightless limbo is called the Night Gallery. 12 00:01:58,585 --> 00:02:00,255 Hi, folks. I wanna tell you you're a wonderful 13 00:02:00,279 --> 00:02:02,231 audience to work for. I get a lot of love out of you. 14 00:02:02,255 --> 00:02:05,384 That's what I dig about you. Hey, one of the troops. Good to see you, marine. 15 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:07,826 I tell you, man, supporting the country, it's beautiful. 16 00:02:07,894 --> 00:02:10,473 I did one of those veterans hospitals shows, you know, to help the boys. 17 00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:12,625 Got hit with a crutch. 18 00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:15,965 Hey, uh, folks, uh, 19 00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:18,876 do you wanna hear the one about the astronaut who got stuck up in space? 20 00:02:18,905 --> 00:02:20,781 He says, "How long am I gonna be up here?" 'Cause he 21 00:02:20,805 --> 00:02:22,852 called mission control. They said, "A millennium or so." 22 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:25,888 He says, "Where am I gonna stay?" He says, "There's a hotel." He goes to the hotel. 23 00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:27,452 The guy says, "How long will you need the 24 00:02:27,476 --> 00:02:29,192 room?" And he says, "Oh, about a millennium." 25 00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:31,084 The guy says, "That'll cost you eight cents." He says, 26 00:02:31,108 --> 00:02:32,929 "Eight cents for a millennium? I'm a little hungry." 27 00:02:32,953 --> 00:02:34,669 He says, "I'm gonna have a sandwich." Then 28 00:02:34,693 --> 00:02:36,515 the guy says, "Okay, that'll cost you $800." 29 00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:41,028 He says, "Eight cents for a room for a millennium and $800 for a sandwich?" 30 00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:44,121 He says, "Yeah, in this hotel, we get you by the sandwich." 31 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,631 Uh, do you know how to make a venetian blind? 32 00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:51,171 Poke your finger in his eye. 33 00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:54,674 My wife went to the West Indies. 34 00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:57,370 Jamaica? She went of her own accord. 35 00:02:57,444 --> 00:03:01,973 Hey, how do you like this suit, huh? Sort of a chopped liver gray, huh? 36 00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:03,984 The wife, uh... Well, it's a nice fit, you know. 37 00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:06,646 But the wife says it looks more like a convulsion, huh? 38 00:03:08,321 --> 00:03:10,404 Hey, uh, folks, uh, you know, I was standing out 39 00:03:10,428 --> 00:03:12,622 in front of the Plaza Hotel talking to my friends. 40 00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:15,356 Uh, matter of fact, that's where I was living... 41 00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:17,762 In front of the Plaza Hotel. Yeah. 42 00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:21,359 Well, I know you're out there, folks. Uh, yeah. Uh-huh. And I'm up here, folks. 43 00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:23,034 Of course, if the lighting is bad in here and 44 00:03:23,058 --> 00:03:24,818 you can't find me, just listen for the sound. 45 00:03:29,476 --> 00:03:31,521 Well, ladies and gentlemen, I want to present to you... 46 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,863 four of the loveliest girls you've ever seen 47 00:03:33,887 --> 00:03:36,176 in your life, The Rocky Mountain Rockettes. 48 00:03:36,249 --> 00:03:39,151 Yeah! 49 00:03:41,121 --> 00:03:45,786 ♪♪ 50 00:03:54,601 --> 00:03:57,469 How did it go, booby? 51 00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:03,073 Not so bad for a first shot. 52 00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:06,443 I'm gonna rework it a little before the next show. 53 00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:19,216 So say it! 54 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,295 Say what? What do you wanna hear? 55 00:04:29,736 --> 00:04:31,773 It would have been nice to hear you out 56 00:04:31,797 --> 00:04:34,174 there, pushing a couple of yocks over for me. 57 00:04:35,575 --> 00:04:38,807 Beating your hands together a couple of times. 58 00:04:39,913 --> 00:04:43,179 I'm playing Forest Lawn. 59 00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:45,428 I got the only agent who makes it like it's a federal act... 60 00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:48,047 that says he's got to be horizontal after sunset. 61 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:51,922 Hmm. Didn't go over so good, huh, booby? 62 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:55,258 The only tomb with a stage in it. 63 00:04:55,328 --> 00:04:57,661 That's the only stage with a corpse on it. 64 00:04:57,731 --> 00:05:00,064 He warms up slow, Mr. Mishkin. 65 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:03,262 It's 102 out there. The stiff couldn't warm up in a boiler room. 66 00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:06,101 Tough audience, Mr. Mishkin. You'll give me that, won't you? 67 00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:10,167 Tell you what I'll give you, papers to walk. Do the next show, then cut. 68 00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:12,712 But you said three weekends. 69 00:05:12,779 --> 00:05:15,271 That was before I heard him. 70 00:05:15,348 --> 00:05:18,011 Look. You are his agent. Isn't that the idea? 71 00:05:18,084 --> 00:05:20,144 Sixteen years, Mr. Mishkin. 72 00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:23,156 Then book him in the Air Force Museum. 73 00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:26,887 This guy doesn't tell jokes. He goes on bombing missions. 74 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:30,488 Hey, you can't ace me out after one lousy show, Mr. Mishkin. 75 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:35,400 I can't? Read your contract. 76 00:05:35,468 --> 00:05:39,599 Gimme a break. What do you got to lose? 77 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:42,752 I mean, an act's gotta build. I-I mean, a couple of weeks for the word of mouth. 78 00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:45,439 Tell him, Julie. Tell him, Julie. 79 00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:48,812 Tell him about that gig in Buffalo. Six weeks held over! 80 00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:52,341 Capacity audience in a tough room! 81 00:05:52,419 --> 00:05:55,856 I mean, when I start to grow, man, I-I zoom. 82 00:05:55,922 --> 00:05:58,790 I can fill the Hollywood Bowl. 83 00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:02,591 Unasked, the following opinion: 84 00:06:02,662 --> 00:06:05,996 You couldn't fill a men's room with free shoe shines. 85 00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:38,022 Wanna know something? 86 00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:44,070 I was a fat... 87 00:06:46,172 --> 00:06:48,107 ugly little kid. 88 00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:53,105 And when I used to go to boy's camp... 89 00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:58,483 all the kids used to... 90 00:06:58,551 --> 00:07:00,486 push me off the dock. 91 00:07:02,455 --> 00:07:06,756 And everybody used to laugh. 92 00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:11,724 So I decided that's what I'd do with my life. 93 00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:16,995 I'd make people laugh. 94 00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:28,777 You made some people laugh, booby. 95 00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:39,090 Jules, my loyal, 96 00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:43,824 steadfast friend and artist's representative. 97 00:07:45,398 --> 00:07:49,028 I'm a second-rate schlep going nowhere. 98 00:07:51,604 --> 00:07:55,939 Sixteen years we scratched each other's backs. 99 00:07:56,009 --> 00:08:00,640 I was still digging around in garbage dumps for one-nighters. 100 00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:04,043 Well, what does he know? 101 00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:07,383 I-I mean, can you picture that creep laughing at anything, huh? 102 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:15,854 I got a funny bit. 103 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:24,202 Now that's funny, me thinking I'm funny. 104 00:08:25,905 --> 00:08:27,840 That's funny. 105 00:08:29,642 --> 00:08:33,636 I wish I could make somebody laugh. 106 00:08:33,713 --> 00:08:36,581 I'd give up everything I got. 107 00:08:36,649 --> 00:08:39,380 Everything I got... 108 00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:45,915 just to make somebody laugh. 109 00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:50,061 Hey, barkeep, doesn't this thing ever pay off? 110 00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:02,041 - Jackie Slater? - Hmm? 111 00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:05,408 Your agent called, Jackie. 112 00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:09,574 Loyal, steadfast and true. 113 00:09:09,649 --> 00:09:14,849 Bankrupt, dispossessed and on his way to Philadelphia with a steel guitar band. 114 00:09:14,921 --> 00:09:17,015 Without me? 115 00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:19,059 I gather you didn't kill them in Perth Amboy. 116 00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:22,027 They were dead already in Perth Amboy. 117 00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:25,798 I give you Perth Amboy. 118 00:09:25,865 --> 00:09:28,562 I give you Michigan's Palladium. 119 00:09:28,635 --> 00:09:31,901 Six tables with a pallbearer at each one of them. 120 00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:49,315 We have not met, yefendi. 121 00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:53,588 Chatterje is the name. Miracles by profession. 122 00:09:55,495 --> 00:09:58,260 Miracles. Miracles. 123 00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:03,132 That's just what I need, Mr. Chatterje. 124 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:08,772 You are now face-to-face with Mr. Unlucky. 125 00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:11,835 Forgiveness, Mr. Slater, but compared to me, 126 00:10:11,911 --> 00:10:14,471 you are the winner of the Irish Sweepstakes. 127 00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:18,314 You are the owner of the 1969 New York Mets. 128 00:10:18,384 --> 00:10:22,822 And on the day they repealed prohibition, you are the Little Old Winemaker. 129 00:10:22,889 --> 00:10:27,020 Your indulgence, Mr. Chatterje, but I am a-a ship maker in the desert. 130 00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:29,790 I am a diamond cutter with the palsy. 131 00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:33,231 I am an opera singer with laryngitis. 132 00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:38,636 Reflect if you will, Mr. Slater, on this undersized guru who sits beside you; 133 00:10:38,705 --> 00:10:41,038 this child of adversity. 134 00:10:41,107 --> 00:10:44,509 They booked me in a Democratic dinner in New Rochelle. 135 00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:47,638 They wanted to replace me with William F. Buckley. 136 00:10:47,714 --> 00:10:50,343 180,000 guys roaming the streets, looking for a bar. 137 00:10:50,416 --> 00:10:52,442 And what do I get? The formaldehyde twins. 138 00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:55,331 Now for laughs, why don't you two guys go out in the park and get mugged, huh? 139 00:10:55,355 --> 00:11:00,350 Preferable. Decidedly preferable to what is in store for me... 140 00:11:00,426 --> 00:11:02,452 Death, certainly before dishonor. 141 00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:06,227 You, Mr. Slater, are yet a young man with much ahead of you. 142 00:11:06,299 --> 00:11:09,326 It need not always be Perth Amboy. 143 00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:12,497 You could yet make it on The Andy Williams Show. 144 00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:17,670 I, on the other hand, am fingering the tassels at the far end of my rope. 145 00:11:17,744 --> 00:11:20,646 By midnight tonight, if I do not perform a miracle, 146 00:11:20,713 --> 00:11:24,980 I am relieved of my powers and I have dishonored my ancestors. 147 00:11:25,051 --> 00:11:27,179 So work a miracle. Who's stopping you? 148 00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:30,652 There is no willing recipient. 149 00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:35,252 No soul trusting enough to allow this poor guru to conjure up a blessing. 150 00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:38,264 I am without hope. 151 00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:41,768 I am a dispossessed soul, tiptoeing in agony... 152 00:11:41,834 --> 00:11:44,531 across the wasteland of my shattered dreams. 153 00:11:45,605 --> 00:11:49,565 Wait a minute. What's with this miracle bit? 154 00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:52,612 Ah, you are now diddling with the essence, yefendi. 155 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:56,616 Every miracle-working guru must work a wonder at least once a month. 156 00:11:56,683 --> 00:12:00,313 I am in arrears, hence disaster. 157 00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:02,321 What kind of miracle? 158 00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:04,323 Name it. 159 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,092 Could you get me on The Dean Martin Show? 160 00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:10,494 You should only ask. 161 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:13,863 Could you get me four weeks at The Sands in Las Vegas? 162 00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:15,868 With options. 163 00:12:15,935 --> 00:12:18,530 Could... Could you... Could you... 164 00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:20,767 Speak, yefendi, speak! 165 00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:26,743 Could you fix it so I can make people laugh? 166 00:12:26,813 --> 00:12:30,306 Hysterically. Uncontrollably. 167 00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:33,046 Beyond your wildest dreams. 168 00:12:33,119 --> 00:12:35,213 So do it. 169 00:12:36,856 --> 00:12:39,553 Do it? Make a miracle. 170 00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:42,562 Th-This moment? 171 00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:45,758 You got until midnight to make a miracle, so... so be my guest. 172 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,701 I-It shall be done, but... 173 00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:51,670 But what? But what? The payoff, huh? Huh? 174 00:12:51,738 --> 00:12:54,173 What? The small print, huh? 175 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:57,733 Candor dictates certain prior admissions, Mr. Slater. 176 00:12:57,810 --> 00:13:01,975 Before a miracle is wrought, it is necessary that I leave no truth unspoken. 177 00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:07,419 This is a cardinal rule amongst the Order of Working Miracle-making Gurus. 178 00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:10,889 In the hierarchy of my art, how shall I say, 179 00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:13,324 I am something less than proficient. 180 00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:18,991 That is to say I am given to small imperfections in the miracles wrought. 181 00:13:19,065 --> 00:13:21,899 Which is why I find myself at this 11th hour... 182 00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:25,837 so precariously in the proximity of the proverbial creek. 183 00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:27,840 What imperfections? 184 00:13:27,907 --> 00:13:32,470 Insignificant imperfections. Small, itsy-bitsy. 185 00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:34,199 But it is necessary that I acquaint you with 186 00:13:34,223 --> 00:13:35,824 the fact that in the circle of my peers... 187 00:13:35,848 --> 00:13:38,511 I am known as... as a klutz. 188 00:13:40,286 --> 00:13:44,087 So I'm obliged to tell you of certain miracles wrought by me... 189 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,592 where small ironies intruded, 190 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:50,152 and the results were, how shall I say, unfortunate. 191 00:13:50,229 --> 00:13:53,063 I don't care. 192 00:13:53,132 --> 00:13:57,263 There was a wrestler in Vero Beach, Florida, who wanted to visit Tibet. 193 00:13:57,337 --> 00:14:02,275 That was his dream. He awoke to find himself stranded atop Mount Everest, 194 00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:05,039 in the midst of an unmerciful blizzard. 195 00:14:05,111 --> 00:14:07,356 They finally had to fetch him down with a pair of ice tongs. 196 00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:10,316 I wanna make people laugh! 197 00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:12,818 I have in mind another ill-starred venture, 198 00:14:12,885 --> 00:14:16,788 having to do with a retired schoolteacher in Spokane, Washington. 199 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:20,884 A Civil War buff. A passionate admirer of the Great Emancipator. 200 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:25,455 Wanted only one thing: to be in Lincoln's shoes. 201 00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:29,195 Wound up in an insane asylum, claiming he was a woolen sock. 202 00:14:29,268 --> 00:14:33,706 Had to be restrained from sticking darning needles into his head. 203 00:14:33,773 --> 00:14:36,174 Am I getting through to you, Mr. Slater? 204 00:14:36,242 --> 00:14:39,406 There are miracles, and there are risks. 205 00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:43,382 But I don't care. I'll take the risks. Just do it! 206 00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:51,784 It is done. It is done! Done! 207 00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:54,020 What? Done. 208 00:14:54,093 --> 00:14:57,461 - What? Wh-What's done? - "What's done?" 209 00:14:57,530 --> 00:15:00,398 What did you say? Did you say, "What's done?" 210 00:15:00,466 --> 00:15:04,198 What's done? What's done? What's done? 211 00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:07,069 What's done? 212 00:15:10,276 --> 00:15:13,144 I can't believe you said "What's done?" 213 00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:16,444 Oh, I can't believe it. He said, "What's done?" 214 00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:21,057 Come here. Come here. This guy has got the 215 00:15:21,081 --> 00:15:23,121 greatest routine. Say it again. "What's done?" 216 00:15:23,189 --> 00:15:26,853 What's done? Come here. 217 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:29,725 Do it. Do it. Give it to them. What's done? 218 00:15:37,703 --> 00:15:39,672 What's done? 219 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:53,617 Hey, guru, you done it. 220 00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:56,417 You made a miracle. 221 00:15:59,325 --> 00:16:02,818 Yes, yefendi. I'm afraid you're right. 222 00:16:21,614 --> 00:16:24,641 You know how to make a venetian blind? Poke your finger in his eye. 223 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:33,088 ♪♪ 224 00:16:40,099 --> 00:16:42,364 Hi, booby. 225 00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:47,305 Aw, you killed 'em. You were fantastic. I was listening. 226 00:16:47,373 --> 00:16:49,933 I mean, all you had to do was to open up your mouth. 227 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,376 Yeah. 228 00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,607 I was, uh, 229 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,047 I was really proud of you, Jackie. 230 00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:02,420 You should be. I done it all myself. 231 00:17:05,291 --> 00:17:09,626 I thought steel guitar bands was your current thing. 232 00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:13,757 Was, is right. They rusted out on me. 233 00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:17,736 I got 'em a fair date in Columbus, Ohio, and they got booed off the stage. 234 00:17:19,438 --> 00:17:23,068 I had no choice, Jackie. I had to take on somebody else or starve. 235 00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:27,737 Forget it. I understand. 236 00:17:30,116 --> 00:17:32,381 What I don't understand though... 237 00:17:32,451 --> 00:17:35,421 is how come I'm not getting any kicks. 238 00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:37,423 What do you mean? 239 00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:39,618 I mean I'm boffo wherever I am. 240 00:17:39,692 --> 00:17:44,426 I mean, every time I open up my mouth, everything I say, they scream. 241 00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:48,195 I mean, I tell old jokes, Julie. I don't mean just old, I mean with cobwebs on them. 242 00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:50,566 I mean antiques, and they roll all over the floor. 243 00:17:50,636 --> 00:17:52,730 Well, that's great. 244 00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:54,933 It should be great. 245 00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:59,536 But it isn't. It's... dull. 246 00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:02,411 But isn't that what you wanted, to make people laugh? 247 00:18:02,481 --> 00:18:04,746 Well, isn't that what you're doing? 248 00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:09,880 Look. I-I read the Variety reviews about the bit you did on the Skelton show, 249 00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:11,891 and they said you broke up the joint. 250 00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:17,221 I broke up the joint. You wanna know what I did? 251 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:24,435 I put on my hat, walked on-camera. 252 00:18:24,503 --> 00:18:27,029 I took off my hat. 253 00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:30,270 They screamed all over the place. 254 00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:34,974 I finished my routine. I put back on my hat. I walked off. That's it. 255 00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:40,110 Big deal. I took off my hat. 256 00:18:40,186 --> 00:18:43,122 It's a wonder Skelton didn't fire his writers right on the spot. 257 00:18:43,189 --> 00:18:46,785 I mean, he's the guy who works months to work on a little piece of business... 258 00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:49,454 in a hope that it'll pay off in a couple of chuckles. 259 00:18:50,529 --> 00:18:54,990 And I walk on, take off my hat, and they scream. 260 00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:58,003 I mean, I haven't heard such laughs since they pushed me off the dock. 261 00:18:59,171 --> 00:19:02,073 - So? - Jules. 262 00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:08,036 Don't you understand? I'm bored. 263 00:19:10,516 --> 00:19:15,079 I used to have to work for it. No, fight for it. 264 00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:18,591 And now it's all... 265 00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:22,562 Dullsville, U.S.A. 266 00:19:22,628 --> 00:19:25,393 What do you want? 267 00:19:25,464 --> 00:19:28,059 I mean, you all the time wanted to make people laugh. 268 00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:31,502 Well, look. Now it's happening. 269 00:19:31,570 --> 00:19:33,903 I mean, what else is there? 270 00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:36,636 A comic wants to get laughs. 271 00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:41,108 There's gotta be something more. There's gotta be more to it than that. 272 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,115 Anybody can get laughs. 273 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:47,210 A dum-dum takes a pratfall. A fat kid gets pushed off the dock. 274 00:19:47,286 --> 00:19:51,018 Hardy-har-har. Big deal! 275 00:19:51,090 --> 00:19:54,356 Look at this, man. I got... I got a telegram. Look at these telegrams. 276 00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:59,661 I got... I got offers. I got deals. I got guarantees. 277 00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:04,102 But to be what? A rum-dum baggy pants schnook. Look here. 278 00:20:04,170 --> 00:20:06,196 ♪♪ 279 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,976 Look at this. 280 00:20:16,082 --> 00:20:18,142 Well, who's David Garrick? 281 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:22,951 Julie, get outta the tent shows. Forget the carnivals. 282 00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:26,959 You wanna manage donnickers and ragbag operators all your life? 283 00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:29,928 This is legit. This is Broadway. 284 00:20:30,996 --> 00:20:33,107 "We'd like to discuss with you the possibility 285 00:20:33,131 --> 00:20:35,127 of your playing a straight dramatic role... 286 00:20:35,201 --> 00:20:37,636 in play I have under option." 287 00:20:37,703 --> 00:20:42,368 Julie, you dig it? A straight dramatic role. 288 00:20:42,441 --> 00:20:44,774 Jackie Slater, an actor. 289 00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:47,905 Now look, booby. You never did no acting. 290 00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:50,882 You were never a straight man. You are a comic. 291 00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:54,045 Was a comic. Was a clown. 292 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:57,352 Was a dolt, was a dunce, was a klutz. 293 00:20:57,423 --> 00:21:01,053 No more, understand? An actor... Jackie Slater. 294 00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:03,221 No, make that Jack Slater. 295 00:21:03,295 --> 00:21:06,322 No, John Slater. 296 00:21:06,398 --> 00:21:09,926 No... Jonathan Slater. 297 00:21:11,704 --> 00:21:15,869 For the best actor in a starring role... 298 00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:17,876 The envelope, please. 299 00:21:20,412 --> 00:21:22,347 The winner... 300 00:21:25,084 --> 00:21:28,680 Jonathan Slater. 301 00:21:28,754 --> 00:21:32,213 All right, Mr. Slater. I'd like your reading now. 302 00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:35,056 Page one. Of act two. From the top. 303 00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:38,461 Oh. Now just keep in mind that you're a circus clown. 304 00:21:38,531 --> 00:21:40,319 You've just discovered that your wife has 305 00:21:40,343 --> 00:21:42,332 left you. In fact, you've just read the note. 306 00:21:42,401 --> 00:21:45,860 And at this moment, there isn't a single thing in the world that you wanna live for. 307 00:21:45,938 --> 00:21:47,873 Yeah, I got it. I got it. Right. 308 00:21:47,940 --> 00:21:51,843 Oh, uh, Miss Wilson. Would you read the girl acrobat, please? 309 00:22:03,389 --> 00:22:06,757 What's the matter, Bimbo? You look odd. 310 00:22:06,826 --> 00:22:10,729 Sure, odd. I'm a clown. 311 00:22:11,730 --> 00:22:13,892 A clown's supposed to look odd. 312 00:22:13,966 --> 00:22:16,868 A funny thing happened to me on the way to the big top. 313 00:22:18,370 --> 00:22:20,464 My life just got dissolved. 314 00:22:24,944 --> 00:22:28,244 A clown isn't supposed to cry! 315 00:22:28,314 --> 00:22:32,046 He's supposed to laugh. 316 00:22:38,924 --> 00:22:44,429 But the smiles... are just painted on. 317 00:22:54,974 --> 00:22:58,775 I-I'm sorry, Mr. Garrick, but the guy's a comic. 318 00:22:58,844 --> 00:23:01,575 No matter what he reads, it comes out like a gag. 319 00:23:01,647 --> 00:23:05,482 I thought he had what we needed. Something... Something in his face. 320 00:23:05,551 --> 00:23:10,012 Face, gestures, everything. He's strictly for laughs. 321 00:23:10,089 --> 00:23:12,024 Look at him. 322 00:23:12,091 --> 00:23:14,560 Just look at him. 323 00:23:14,627 --> 00:23:19,031 Okay, I made a mistake. Shake his hand, pat him on the back and get him out of here. 324 00:23:26,805 --> 00:23:29,036 You wanna know what you are? 325 00:23:29,108 --> 00:23:32,476 You're a bunch of dirty, rotten, insensitive people. 326 00:23:32,544 --> 00:23:34,877 That's what you are. 327 00:23:34,947 --> 00:23:38,611 You're the kind... the kind who pushed me off the dock. 328 00:23:38,684 --> 00:23:41,483 "Pushed him off the dock." 329 00:24:34,139 --> 00:24:38,839 As must be obvious, yefendi, miracles are not without risks. 330 00:24:38,911 --> 00:24:41,676 Unforeseen little addenda. 331 00:24:41,747 --> 00:24:43,773 "Unforeseen little addenda"? 332 00:24:43,849 --> 00:24:45,948 Thanks to you, I can't say "How are you? Good 333 00:24:45,972 --> 00:24:48,048 morning. A glass of orange juice, please"... 334 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,783 without people breaking up in screaming convulsions. 335 00:24:50,856 --> 00:24:52,791 It was as you wished, yefendi. 336 00:24:52,858 --> 00:24:55,327 Well, I don't wish it anymore. Understand? 337 00:24:55,394 --> 00:24:59,855 I want you to fix it so that I never have anybody laugh at me again. 338 00:24:59,932 --> 00:25:02,800 Yefendi, there is an unwritten law: 339 00:25:02,868 --> 00:25:04,837 One miracle to a customer. 340 00:25:04,903 --> 00:25:08,965 I don't care, you second-rate swami. I want another miracle. 341 00:25:09,041 --> 00:25:14,036 I want you to fix it so that I can touch people, move them. 342 00:25:14,113 --> 00:25:16,947 Make 'em cry, not laugh. 343 00:25:17,016 --> 00:25:19,747 You get that? And I want it done now. 344 00:25:19,818 --> 00:25:21,787 Because if you don't, what's left of you... 345 00:25:21,854 --> 00:25:23,750 will be able to be stuffed in that 346 00:25:23,774 --> 00:25:26,315 moth-eaten turban and dumped in a doggie bag. 347 00:25:31,030 --> 00:25:33,465 It is done. 348 00:25:33,532 --> 00:25:35,592 "Done." Done. 349 00:25:35,667 --> 00:25:39,604 You'll never again be laughed at, yefendi. Never ever. 350 00:25:42,107 --> 00:25:44,667 Well, we'll just see. We'll just see. 351 00:25:50,082 --> 00:25:52,779 Hey, lady! Hey! Hey, lady! 352 00:25:52,851 --> 00:25:56,618 Hey, lady, did you hear the one about the two Arabs... 353 00:25:56,688 --> 00:25:58,531 who met on a streetcar, while the first one... 354 00:26:03,629 --> 00:26:06,641 Now try to keep calm. I just told you, we've already called the police. 355 00:26:06,665 --> 00:26:09,328 They're on their way here now. 356 00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:12,337 ♪♪ 357 00:26:34,059 --> 00:26:36,995 I wonder if I'll ever get the hang of this. 358 00:26:45,637 --> 00:26:48,368 ♪♪ 359 00:26:52,077 --> 00:26:56,242 Our second painting this evening has to do with the stalker and the victim. 360 00:26:56,315 --> 00:26:58,250 The hunter and the hunted. 361 00:26:58,317 --> 00:27:00,954 That rare breed of Homo sapien whose love of 362 00:27:00,978 --> 00:27:03,881 butchery is not a sport but a consuming passion. 363 00:27:03,956 --> 00:27:07,916 Offered to you now, Clean Kills and Other Trophies. 364 00:27:35,154 --> 00:27:38,147 I call this my trophy room, Mr. Pierce. 365 00:27:39,758 --> 00:27:42,785 Oh, I'll take care of that, Tom. Very good, sir. 366 00:27:42,861 --> 00:27:45,262 Tom here is an Ibo. 367 00:27:45,330 --> 00:27:47,663 He's the son of a tribal chief. 368 00:27:47,733 --> 00:27:49,793 He's a highly educated young man. 369 00:27:49,868 --> 00:27:52,497 His father sent him to school in England. 370 00:27:52,571 --> 00:27:55,370 Will that be all, sir? That'll be all. Thank you, Tom. 371 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:57,375 Excuse me, gentlemen. 372 00:28:00,546 --> 00:28:02,811 Quite a specimen, isn't he? 373 00:28:02,881 --> 00:28:05,248 Specimen? 374 00:28:05,317 --> 00:28:08,044 He's an African, Mr. Pierce. Don't be misled 375 00:28:08,068 --> 00:28:10,881 by the Oxford accent or the tailored clothes. 376 00:28:10,956 --> 00:28:14,324 For all the outward accoutrements of civilization, 377 00:28:14,393 --> 00:28:16,328 he's never left the jungle. 378 00:28:16,395 --> 00:28:21,959 He still carries amulets and fervently believes in black magic. 379 00:28:22,034 --> 00:28:25,368 A pagan savage, Mr. Pierce, like all his breed. 380 00:28:25,437 --> 00:28:29,465 About the trust fund, Colonel. I'll only require your signature. 381 00:28:29,541 --> 00:28:34,605 I've made all the arrangements for the money to go to the beneficiary. 382 00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:36,911 Plenty of time, Mr. Pierce. 383 00:28:36,982 --> 00:28:40,043 Plenty of time for Archie's inheritance. 384 00:28:41,587 --> 00:28:45,786 Do you know anything of hunting, Mr. Pierce? Or guns? 385 00:28:45,857 --> 00:28:47,849 I'm afraid not, sir. 386 00:28:47,926 --> 00:28:52,227 - That's your hobby, my father said. - Hobby? 387 00:28:52,297 --> 00:28:54,323 Hardly a hobby. 388 00:28:54,399 --> 00:28:56,698 It's what I do with my life. 389 00:28:56,768 --> 00:28:59,966 I don't think there's any game in the world that I haven't stalked. 390 00:29:00,038 --> 00:29:02,200 Stalked and killed. 391 00:29:04,543 --> 00:29:09,345 This, uh, baby here is a... a Thompson gazelle. 392 00:29:09,414 --> 00:29:11,349 I got him in the Nyeri Forest. 393 00:29:11,416 --> 00:29:14,318 Those horns are 16 and three-quarter inches long. 394 00:29:14,386 --> 00:29:17,948 It's mentioned in Ward's Records of Big Game. 395 00:29:19,191 --> 00:29:22,787 I understand you just graduated college, Arch. 396 00:29:22,861 --> 00:29:25,797 Yes, his sole, remarkable achievement to date. 397 00:29:25,864 --> 00:29:29,926 That is, if you don't give points for excessive brandy consumption. 398 00:29:31,136 --> 00:29:34,129 This might interest you, Pierce. 399 00:29:34,206 --> 00:29:37,540 That chap gave me big trouble. 400 00:29:37,609 --> 00:29:40,670 I got him on a rainy night. Lions are temperamental beasts. 401 00:29:40,746 --> 00:29:42,806 They're subject to moods. 402 00:29:42,881 --> 00:29:45,783 Rainy weather makes them nervous. 403 00:29:45,851 --> 00:29:48,582 But darkness stimulates them. 404 00:29:48,654 --> 00:29:53,115 They hunt at night, and I hunted him at night. 405 00:29:53,191 --> 00:29:56,992 One other trouble about lions is that they can see in the dark. 406 00:29:57,062 --> 00:30:00,226 So, for openers, he had all the advantage... 407 00:30:00,299 --> 00:30:03,133 Rain, night... 408 00:30:03,201 --> 00:30:05,136 and his uncanny sense of smell. 409 00:30:05,203 --> 00:30:09,538 All the advantages, Colonel, except a gun. 410 00:30:09,608 --> 00:30:14,069 A lion on a charge can run 40 miles an hour, Pierce. 411 00:30:14,146 --> 00:30:16,377 If you haven't got a gun or a marksman's eye, 412 00:30:16,448 --> 00:30:18,974 he can spread you over the map of Africa. 413 00:30:20,752 --> 00:30:23,517 Do you hunt, Arch? 414 00:30:23,588 --> 00:30:25,523 Archie hunt? 415 00:30:25,590 --> 00:30:28,116 Does that look like a hunter, Pierce? 416 00:30:28,193 --> 00:30:32,528 Can you picture that dish of jellied consommé squaring off to a wild animal? 417 00:30:32,597 --> 00:30:38,298 No, Archie does little but occupy space. 418 00:30:38,370 --> 00:30:42,034 Hunting requires traits of character that he fails to possess. 419 00:30:42,107 --> 00:30:45,305 Not the least being guts. 420 00:30:45,377 --> 00:30:48,142 But not everyone goes in for hunting, Colonel. 421 00:30:48,213 --> 00:30:50,148 I am not concerned with everyone. 422 00:30:50,215 --> 00:30:52,741 I'm concerned with that pallid handwringer over there, 423 00:30:52,818 --> 00:30:57,586 who would take his inheritance and give it to one of his myriad causes... 424 00:30:57,656 --> 00:30:59,818 Senegalese unwed mothers, 425 00:30:59,891 --> 00:31:02,451 pickaninny's free lunch program. 426 00:31:02,527 --> 00:31:05,725 Or perhaps something dearer to his heart and character... 427 00:31:05,797 --> 00:31:08,961 The Women's Liberation Movement. 428 00:31:09,034 --> 00:31:13,062 My father would prefer that I do a little random killing. 429 00:31:13,138 --> 00:31:17,041 Why not? Man has been killing for a million years. 430 00:31:17,109 --> 00:31:19,442 And man is not the only animal in the jungle. 431 00:31:19,511 --> 00:31:21,480 If we don't kill others, they'll kill us. 432 00:31:21,546 --> 00:31:24,243 That's the equation of survival. 433 00:31:24,316 --> 00:31:27,081 What if you both survive? Do you hear that, Archie? 434 00:31:27,152 --> 00:31:29,519 You have a colleague, a kindred soul. 435 00:31:29,588 --> 00:31:34,219 And do you think that is wrong to kill something like that? 436 00:31:34,292 --> 00:31:36,227 If it's done unnecessarily. 437 00:31:36,294 --> 00:31:39,025 "If it's done unnecessarily." 438 00:31:39,097 --> 00:31:44,058 So the criterion of cruelty is not the act but the motive. 439 00:31:46,638 --> 00:31:51,269 There is a certain tribe in Africa called the Masai, Pierce. 440 00:31:54,446 --> 00:31:56,381 Every now and then, 441 00:31:56,448 --> 00:31:59,782 they pick out some of their less active senior citizens... 442 00:31:59,851 --> 00:32:04,585 and put them out in the bush so the hyenas can eat them alive. 443 00:32:04,656 --> 00:32:09,424 Didn't Adam Smith have some theory about overpopulation? 444 00:32:09,494 --> 00:32:11,486 The painted savages don't need fancy economists... 445 00:32:11,563 --> 00:32:15,466 to tell them how to keep the population down. 446 00:32:15,534 --> 00:32:19,471 They act upon instinct. The instinct of survival. 447 00:32:19,538 --> 00:32:22,702 I suppose you would call that cruel, would you? 448 00:32:22,774 --> 00:32:27,075 I'd call it savage, uncivilized. 449 00:32:27,145 --> 00:32:30,843 But at least it's death with some purpose. 450 00:32:30,916 --> 00:32:33,408 I kill with a purpose. 451 00:32:33,485 --> 00:32:37,980 And my purpose is to prove that I am superior to what I kill. 452 00:32:41,092 --> 00:32:43,027 Archie? 453 00:32:43,094 --> 00:32:45,290 A point of information. 454 00:32:48,300 --> 00:32:52,601 Mr. Pierce has a briefcase with some papers in it for me to sign. 455 00:32:52,671 --> 00:32:55,573 There's a couple of million dollars worth of securities, 456 00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:58,974 stocks and bonds waiting for you. 457 00:33:00,045 --> 00:33:02,640 Are you aware of that? I'm quite aware of that. 458 00:33:02,714 --> 00:33:05,980 Oh, he's quite aware of that. 459 00:33:06,051 --> 00:33:08,452 And are you aware that you will be a millionaire... 460 00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:11,012 in a few weeks? Yes. 461 00:33:11,089 --> 00:33:15,026 And are you aware that it only requires my signature? 462 00:33:15,093 --> 00:33:17,028 I'll, uh, just get my briefcase. 463 00:33:17,095 --> 00:33:20,725 That will not be necessary. I know the contents of that briefcase. 464 00:33:20,799 --> 00:33:23,462 I know the nature of those securities... 465 00:33:23,535 --> 00:33:27,233 Their number, their names, their current values. 466 00:33:27,305 --> 00:33:29,638 I want to make a codicil. 467 00:33:29,708 --> 00:33:32,303 A codicil? Correct. 468 00:33:39,217 --> 00:33:44,679 If within 15 days, my son has not killed himself an animal, 469 00:33:44,756 --> 00:33:47,851 I wish to dissolve the trust. 470 00:33:47,926 --> 00:33:51,829 Are you aware of the condition I have just imposed? 471 00:33:51,897 --> 00:33:56,335 I wish you to kill an animal... by yourself. 472 00:33:56,401 --> 00:33:59,269 With a gun. 473 00:33:59,337 --> 00:34:01,499 Exhibit "A," Mr. Pierce. 474 00:34:01,573 --> 00:34:04,737 The illustrious heir having just been given due notice... 475 00:34:04,809 --> 00:34:09,577 that his father has arbitrarily diddled him of what is his, 476 00:34:09,648 --> 00:34:12,914 does nothing but stand there and suffer. 477 00:34:12,984 --> 00:34:14,919 Colonel... 478 00:34:14,986 --> 00:34:19,617 By rights, he should by now have been rifle-butting me into oblivion. 479 00:34:19,691 --> 00:34:23,560 But that is not Archie's breed. He has no aptitude for violence. 480 00:34:23,628 --> 00:34:26,291 He's been taken on trips through the jungle, 481 00:34:26,364 --> 00:34:28,890 to hunting preserves, the African velt... 482 00:34:28,967 --> 00:34:33,905 Places which most boys would welcome as high adventure. 483 00:34:33,972 --> 00:34:37,568 But whenever a gun was fired, I found him cowering under a bush. 484 00:34:37,642 --> 00:34:40,840 Sir, none of this is my business. 485 00:34:40,912 --> 00:34:43,541 I'm here for a specific reason, 486 00:34:43,615 --> 00:34:45,709 to handle the reversion of the trust fund. 487 00:34:45,784 --> 00:34:47,912 That's all I'm supposed to do. 488 00:34:47,986 --> 00:34:50,148 As to any disagreement you may have with your son... 489 00:34:50,221 --> 00:34:53,316 As to any disagreement between me and my son, 490 00:34:53,391 --> 00:34:55,375 that is very much your business, 491 00:34:55,399 --> 00:34:58,159 Mr. Pierce, because it relates to the trust. 492 00:34:58,229 --> 00:35:00,787 I am not going to hand a gravy bowl over to 493 00:35:00,811 --> 00:35:03,634 this simpering vegetable who has dishonored me. 494 00:35:03,702 --> 00:35:06,501 I'm afraid you don't have any choice in that matter. 495 00:35:06,571 --> 00:35:08,665 I could refuse to sign. 496 00:35:08,740 --> 00:35:11,574 That would be most unwise, sir. 497 00:35:11,643 --> 00:35:14,238 You've been paying fiduciary taxes on... 498 00:35:14,312 --> 00:35:16,781 Don't give me that fiduciary nonsense. 499 00:35:16,848 --> 00:35:19,443 - What could he do to me? - He could sue you. 500 00:35:19,517 --> 00:35:21,782 Sue me? 501 00:35:21,853 --> 00:35:25,415 This vegetable get a battery of lawyers and sue me? 502 00:35:25,490 --> 00:35:29,257 He could start proceedings in the morning in a court of law. 503 00:35:30,295 --> 00:35:32,628 That would be my advice to him. 504 00:35:32,697 --> 00:35:37,533 And my advice to you, Mr. Pierce, is to go to bed and get some sleep. 505 00:35:37,602 --> 00:35:42,768 Because tomorrow, Archie and I are hunting deer. 506 00:35:42,841 --> 00:35:46,403 And my son is going to fire a gun... 507 00:35:46,478 --> 00:35:49,915 for the first time in his miserable life. 508 00:35:49,981 --> 00:35:52,109 Because if he doesn't, 509 00:35:52,183 --> 00:35:55,915 I'll take every security in that trust fund... 510 00:35:55,987 --> 00:36:00,550 and I will drivel it away on every high-risk venture... 511 00:36:00,625 --> 00:36:04,187 that I can find in either market. 512 00:36:04,262 --> 00:36:09,565 By Wednesday morning, I will turn that two million dollars into wastepaper. 513 00:36:19,144 --> 00:36:23,878 Father! Is it really so incomprehensible to you... 514 00:36:23,948 --> 00:36:26,383 that I can't kill anything? 515 00:36:27,452 --> 00:36:29,421 How about an animal? 516 00:36:29,487 --> 00:36:32,651 Come on. M-Maybe a child. 517 00:36:32,724 --> 00:36:35,751 How about any living thing? 518 00:36:38,263 --> 00:36:40,391 You answer me! 519 00:36:41,466 --> 00:36:44,664 It is incomprehensible to me that I have managed to sire... 520 00:36:44,736 --> 00:36:47,706 a muling, sniveling, self-indulgent milksop, 521 00:36:47,772 --> 00:36:52,142 who is unable to grasp the most elementary fact of life: 522 00:36:52,210 --> 00:36:56,341 The whole world is a bloody hunting jungle. 523 00:36:56,414 --> 00:37:00,408 You stalk with the hunter, or you run with the quarry. 524 00:37:00,485 --> 00:37:04,183 You have no other choice. The beasts have no choice. 525 00:37:04,255 --> 00:37:08,022 Only man. That is why he is superior. 526 00:37:08,093 --> 00:37:12,963 Oh, no, no, no, no. Not superior, j-just deadlier. 527 00:37:13,031 --> 00:37:15,591 You take away his gun, and he's a beast. 528 00:37:17,335 --> 00:37:20,794 You are currently in possession of a gun, Archie, 529 00:37:20,872 --> 00:37:25,901 a bolt-action .458, which could make a hole in me the size of two fists. 530 00:37:25,977 --> 00:37:27,912 What are you waiting for? 531 00:37:29,814 --> 00:37:31,942 Nothing. 532 00:37:37,122 --> 00:37:40,149 Send him off to bed, Tom. 533 00:37:40,225 --> 00:37:42,160 Leave the door open and a light in the hall. 534 00:37:42,227 --> 00:37:44,594 I imagine darkness frightens him too. 535 00:37:52,871 --> 00:37:55,397 Archie, listen to me. 536 00:37:55,473 --> 00:37:57,499 You don't have to kill a deer... 537 00:37:57,575 --> 00:38:01,535 or swat a fly or step on an ant if you don't want to. 538 00:38:01,613 --> 00:38:03,548 You don't have to do anything. 539 00:38:03,615 --> 00:38:06,517 All you have to do is sign your name. 540 00:38:06,584 --> 00:38:09,296 Naturally, since we represent your father, we couldn't take the case, 541 00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:14,258 but I'll send you to a first-rate law firm. 542 00:38:14,325 --> 00:38:16,385 By tomorrow lunchtime, 543 00:38:16,461 --> 00:38:19,124 they can get a court order impounding the trust. 544 00:38:19,197 --> 00:38:21,132 Do you think he's different? 545 00:38:23,334 --> 00:38:25,929 Do you think he's a special case? 546 00:38:28,173 --> 00:38:30,108 Mm-mm. 547 00:38:31,309 --> 00:38:33,676 He's 20th-century man. 548 00:38:35,146 --> 00:38:39,777 That's his big passion, to... to commit murder... 549 00:38:39,851 --> 00:38:45,620 under the protection of a... of a state-issued hunting license. 550 00:38:47,425 --> 00:38:51,260 Why, I know he's a whole lot closer to the norm than I'll ever be. 551 00:38:52,864 --> 00:38:54,833 And tomorrow... 552 00:38:57,001 --> 00:39:03,832 Tomorrow... I will try to shoot a deer. 553 00:39:06,144 --> 00:39:09,046 That's the only choice I've got. 554 00:39:09,113 --> 00:39:11,309 That's the only choice he's given me. 555 00:39:15,286 --> 00:39:18,279 It is not the trust, Mr. Pierce. 556 00:39:18,356 --> 00:39:21,155 It has nothing to do with that. 557 00:39:22,227 --> 00:39:25,322 You know, a moment ago, 558 00:39:25,396 --> 00:39:27,592 I almost killed him. 559 00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:33,137 And I would have, because it was in my heart. 560 00:39:34,339 --> 00:39:36,274 But Tom... 561 00:39:39,410 --> 00:39:41,345 Well, thank God for Tom. 562 00:39:41,412 --> 00:39:47,352 Anyway, better a-a deer than a... than a patricide. 563 00:39:47,418 --> 00:39:49,910 Wouldn't you say that, Mr. Pierce? 564 00:39:52,557 --> 00:39:55,823 Judging by your expression, I guess you wouldn't. 565 00:39:59,097 --> 00:40:04,866 I'm okay now, Tom. I'm... I'm okay. Good night. 566 00:40:25,223 --> 00:40:28,591 Had you never met Colonel Dittman before? 567 00:40:28,660 --> 00:40:33,689 No. My father's been his lawyer for years, but I know very little about him. 568 00:40:33,765 --> 00:40:35,700 He has a strange god, Mr. Pierce. 569 00:40:35,767 --> 00:40:40,467 He... He worships death, and then he nails it to the wall. 570 00:40:40,538 --> 00:40:43,940 And yet you came here with him and you've stayed. 571 00:40:44,008 --> 00:40:47,945 For the boy. That is why I came. 572 00:40:48,012 --> 00:40:51,107 And that is why I stay. 573 00:40:53,217 --> 00:40:55,812 A legacy of 50 years, Mr. Pierce. 574 00:40:55,887 --> 00:40:59,915 Bullet holes, punctured bodies, chopped-off heads. 575 00:40:59,991 --> 00:41:03,553 A convocation of victims. 576 00:41:04,595 --> 00:41:07,565 And now he wants to add his son. 577 00:41:08,933 --> 00:41:12,370 Another trophy of the kill. 578 00:41:53,678 --> 00:41:57,308 This rain is a gift, Tom. Excellent for tomorrow's hunting. 579 00:41:59,584 --> 00:42:02,144 I am speaking to you. 580 00:42:07,592 --> 00:42:10,494 Why will you make him kill tomorrow? 581 00:42:10,561 --> 00:42:13,156 You have had 21 years without it. Why tomorrow? 582 00:42:13,231 --> 00:42:15,257 It's my last chance. 583 00:42:17,101 --> 00:42:20,697 I want to give him his manhood. Can't you understand that? 584 00:42:20,772 --> 00:42:24,072 That is what you will strip him of if you give him a gun... 585 00:42:26,177 --> 00:42:28,043 and make him use it. 586 00:42:28,112 --> 00:42:31,446 If you had refused to hunt, what would your father have done? 587 00:42:31,516 --> 00:42:34,850 We hunt for food. 588 00:42:34,919 --> 00:42:37,821 We hunt to stay alive. 589 00:42:38,990 --> 00:42:41,858 I was never taught to kill for pleasure. 590 00:42:41,926 --> 00:42:44,486 The day I can kill without pleasure, 591 00:42:44,562 --> 00:42:47,225 my son can have everything I own. 592 00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:53,995 If you're praying to your gods, pray that the rain quits before dawn. 593 00:42:54,072 --> 00:42:57,702 Then the deer will come out and enjoy the good weather. 594 00:43:08,052 --> 00:43:10,647 That is not what I pray for. 595 00:43:11,722 --> 00:43:13,850 Keep your eye on the canyons over there. 596 00:43:13,925 --> 00:43:16,156 The whitetails don't like the wind. 597 00:43:16,227 --> 00:43:18,560 We'll be out of their scent up here. 598 00:43:20,031 --> 00:43:23,195 When you see the deer, Archie, line up the forelegs. 599 00:43:23,267 --> 00:43:26,931 Place your shot so as to kill or anchor him at one. 600 00:43:27,004 --> 00:43:31,499 Line up the upright part of the "T" with the back crossbar. 601 00:43:33,744 --> 00:43:37,010 Aim to break the shoulder just above the middle of the body. 602 00:43:40,451 --> 00:43:42,511 That way you'll bring him down quick. 603 00:43:45,089 --> 00:43:48,526 If you aim high, you'll break his back. 604 00:43:55,566 --> 00:43:58,832 A low shot can hit his heart. But if you're high and in front, you get the neck. 605 00:43:58,903 --> 00:44:03,500 So make a clean kill, Archie. 606 00:44:03,574 --> 00:44:05,873 Look. He's yours. 607 00:44:08,045 --> 00:44:11,846 Take it slowly. Aim carefully. 608 00:44:11,916 --> 00:44:15,250 Just squeeze it off. 609 00:44:15,319 --> 00:44:17,447 Squeeze it, Archie. 610 00:44:17,522 --> 00:44:19,821 Squeeze it. 611 00:44:19,891 --> 00:44:22,486 Remember, just above the middle of the body. 612 00:44:22,560 --> 00:44:25,029 How you lined it up. 613 00:44:25,096 --> 00:44:27,565 What are you waiting for? 614 00:44:27,632 --> 00:44:31,535 He's not going to stay there all day, damn it. Take your shot! 615 00:44:32,603 --> 00:44:36,301 Take your shot, damn it. Take your shot! 616 00:44:40,444 --> 00:44:43,175 I told you a clean kill. 617 00:44:43,247 --> 00:44:45,307 Now we've got to follow his tracks. 618 00:44:45,383 --> 00:44:47,318 We've got to check the blood marks, 619 00:44:47,385 --> 00:44:49,581 find out where you did hit him. 620 00:45:08,539 --> 00:45:11,151 You want to butcher an animal, I could have ordered one. 621 00:45:11,175 --> 00:45:14,737 I could have tied him down and let you get at him with an ax. 622 00:45:14,812 --> 00:45:17,372 It's the same bloody thing. 623 00:45:18,950 --> 00:45:21,112 I could have predicted it. 624 00:45:21,185 --> 00:45:24,917 We tracked for three and a half hours because the great white hunter, 625 00:45:24,989 --> 00:45:27,720 sneaking up the stairs, hit him in the lungs. 626 00:45:27,792 --> 00:45:30,261 But he did get a deer. 627 00:45:30,328 --> 00:45:32,320 In the lungs. 628 00:45:32,396 --> 00:45:35,059 When I saw the blood, I knew we had a long hunt. 629 00:45:35,132 --> 00:45:38,864 He tried. Heaven knows he tried. 630 00:45:38,936 --> 00:45:41,565 That's supposed to make me proud? 631 00:45:42,607 --> 00:45:44,974 You've got nothing to be proud of. 632 00:45:46,244 --> 00:45:48,236 Not a damn thing. 633 00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:11,829 Open a window, will you, Tom? 634 00:46:11,902 --> 00:46:14,098 It's hot in here. 635 00:46:14,171 --> 00:46:17,266 Much too hot. 636 00:46:17,341 --> 00:46:22,112 My head... My head is burning up. 637 00:46:27,151 --> 00:46:29,313 Didn't you hear me? 638 00:46:29,387 --> 00:46:31,322 Why do you stand there? 639 00:46:34,759 --> 00:46:38,787 My head. Something's happening. 640 00:46:40,197 --> 00:46:43,861 My dear God, my head. 641 00:46:52,743 --> 00:46:54,678 You're leaving, Mr. Pierce? 642 00:46:54,745 --> 00:46:56,680 Yes. 643 00:46:56,747 --> 00:46:58,841 Look after him, Tom. 644 00:46:58,916 --> 00:47:04,321 He shot himself a deer a few hours ago. 645 00:47:04,388 --> 00:47:08,553 Just remind him that it was a deer and only that. 646 00:47:08,626 --> 00:47:11,460 And make him understand that he wasn't the executioner. 647 00:47:11,529 --> 00:47:14,158 It was his father. 648 00:47:14,231 --> 00:47:19,226 Why, his father has been punished, Mr. Pierce. 649 00:47:19,303 --> 00:47:21,033 Punished? 650 00:47:21,105 --> 00:47:23,836 Properly and befitting the crime. 651 00:47:24,975 --> 00:47:26,910 Where is he? 652 00:47:26,977 --> 00:47:29,674 The colonel? In there. 653 00:47:32,016 --> 00:47:34,645 Best not go in there, Mr. Pierce. 654 00:47:36,087 --> 00:47:40,650 Why not? Sometimes the punishment is as ugly as the crime. 655 00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:46,158 Last night I prayed to my gods, Mr. Pierce. 656 00:47:46,230 --> 00:47:49,894 It was the only thing left to do. 657 00:47:49,967 --> 00:47:52,436 What did you pray for, Tom? 658 00:47:52,503 --> 00:47:57,908 That the hunter should know what it is like to be the victim. 659 00:48:15,159 --> 00:48:19,654 Best go now, Mr. Pierce. Take the boy with you. 660 00:48:19,730 --> 00:48:22,495 How? How could... 661 00:48:22,566 --> 00:48:25,001 There are gods, Mr. Pierce. 662 00:48:25,069 --> 00:48:29,165 Gods of the bush, of the Congo, of the rain forests. 663 00:48:29,240 --> 00:48:32,142 And with them, vengeance is an art. 664 00:48:39,483 --> 00:48:42,851 Let's go. We're getting out of here. 665 00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:45,446 What about my father? 666 00:48:45,523 --> 00:48:49,619 Don't worry about him. He's in good company. 667 00:49:43,247 --> 00:49:47,082 Now there is a trophy. 668 00:49:53,691 --> 00:49:56,525 The king of the jungle. 54362

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