All language subtitles for Fun With Dick And Jane 2005 1080p WEB H264-DiMEPiECEE_track3_[eng]

[**]

[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

DICK: Globodyne
is a consolidator
of media properties.

Globodyne is a consolidator
of media properties.

Consolidator.
Consolidator.

Oh, no!

[HORNS HONKING]

Globodyne's a consolidator
of media properties
and data retrieval

with a focus in fiber-optic
content provision.

It's basically
a synergy of web-based

and platform-based
UNIX-driven
delivery systems.

Okay, I made
that last part up.

[ALL LAUGHING]

JANE: We spent
months on this trip.

I just assumed that you knew
you needed a passport
to get into Russia.

But if I should have told you,
then I'm really sorry,
Mr. Fairbanks.

It's not my fault airport
security strip-searched you,
Mr. Fairbanks.

I mean, maybe you
shouldn't have made
that joke, you know?

I...
Hon? Fire.

You know what
I'm gonna do for you?
I'm gonna load you up...

[VACUUM WHIRRING]
DICK: Blanca?

Can you make
this little man
something to eat?

Oh.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[BILLY SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

JANE: You sure
about this?

The trainer said
it's just a minor annoyance.

He said it just
reminds him to be
a little less vocal.

[BARKS]
[COLLAR ZAPS]

[SPOT WHIMPERS]

[**]

Hey, Dick.

Morning, Joe.

That a new car?

It's the new Mercedes S500.

You can only special-order
these from Germany.

How's it run?

Well, it's a Mercedes.

Check this out.

Mercedes, on.

[CAR ENGINE STARTING]

Yeah?
Well, watch this.

Beamer, sit. Stay.

Play dead.
Good boy.

That's cute, Dick.
Mercedes, off.

[**]

[CAR ALARM BEEPS]

DICK: "It has come
to our attention
that certain departments

"have begun to run
into situations."

"Situations"?

The big boys want
to see you upstairs.

Which floor, 20th?

26th?

32nd?

Not the 51st?

Yes.
[GASPS]

Congratulations,
Mr. Harper.

[GIGGLES]

Uh, go ahead
and wrap this up.
Okay.

How do I look?
Great.

Anything
in my teeth?
No.

I need a paper bag.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Hey, Oz.

Dick. Morning.

It is, isn't it?
Yeah.

Sure is.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Hey, uh, did you, uh...
Did you hear about Bill?

Oh, yeah. That's, uh...
That's wild.

Yeah.

Yeah, I, uh, wonder...

I wonder who's gonna
take his place.

That's the big mystery.

Yeah.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]

You getting off?

Not this time, Oz.

Son of a bitch!

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

["I BELIEVE I CAN FLY"
PLAYING IN ELEVATOR]

* I believe I can fly

* I believe I can
touch the sky *

* Every night
and every cloudy day *

* Spread my wings
and fly away *

* I believe I can soar

* Catch me goin'
through that open door *

* I believe I can fly

[DICK YELLING]
* I believe, I believe
I believe... *

* I believe, I believe
I believe *

[SCREAMING]

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

[**]

[GOLF BALL THUDS]
MAN: That's it.

[MAN CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] Good.

Hello. I'm, uh...

Dick Harper,
and I'm here to see
Jack McCallister.

Oh, well,
that's him now, sorry.

He had to step out.

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

Dick.

Damn glad
to finally see
you up here.

Hey...

Man.

Frank Bascombe, CFO.

Nice to meet you, Frank.
Nice to meet you.

Wow!
Listen, Dick. Dick.

Jack's very sorry
that he couldn't be here
to congratulate you,

well, on becoming the new

VP of Communication.

Are you... Wow!

Holy, uh...

Thank you.
No, no, no.

But also, he wanted
to invite you
to his house

for an orientation meeting
on Monday morning.

Mmm-hmm.

Dick?
Uh-huh?

Ann's got the address.
All right.

Sure. I'll get that.

Okay. Ann?

Thanks.
ANN: Sure.

And, uh, thank you...

Frank.

Wow, cool exit.

How do you
like your eggs?

[**]

Pardon me!

Ours is an age
of unmeasured prosperity.

DICK: Oh, yeah.

You know what?
What?

You should
quit your job.

Quit my job?
Yep.

Well, do you...

Do you even know
what you're
getting paid?

I mean,
I can't quit my job.
Not specifically, but...

Bob got VP last month.
He's making 150,
plus bonuses.

Come on, you wanna
spend more time
with Billy.

Do it. Just...

[LAUGHING]

Do it. Do it.
Quit your job.

We must never become
a winner-take-all society.

JANE: You know
what we should do?

What?

We should have sex...

...on Saturday.

I'll buy candles.

I'll pick up
the new Starbucks sampler,
featuring Sade.

Oh, you animal.
That is gonna
be so wild.

Yeah.

[SADE'S "SMOOTH OPERATOR"
PLAYING]

* Diamond life

Thank you.

Just, uh, make
yourself at home.

[LAUGHING]
Right.

* He moves in space
with minimum waste *

* And maximum joy

* No need to ask *

* He's a smooth operator

JACK: Dick.

Yeah. Mr. McCallister.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Dick.

Hey, call me Jack.
Likewise.

With my name.

Dick, I mean.

Man. Dick Harper.

Dick Harper.

Dick Harper
playing the harp.

Harpo Marx
playing the Jew's harp.

DH. DH!

You're my
designated hitter.

Dick Harper, I need you
to step up into
the batter's box

and knock one
clean out of the ballpark
for me now.

Gone.
You ever have
a nickname?

Uh, well, I...
It was, uh, uh...

Um, Squirt.
The Squirt.

Something about
how I was conceived,
I don't know.

Well, we gonna
think of something.

You didn't have
any trouble finding
the place, did you?

Oh, no, sir.
Uh, by the way,

what a absolutely
beautiful hou...
Home you have.

So then my lawyer
says to her lawyer,

"If she thinks
she's getting
that yacht,

"then she's
a little dinghy."

[ALL LAUGHING]

He always...
He loves that one.

Oh!

Dinghy!
The point is, Dick,
that we need somebody

who projects confidence
in this position.

Now, we've seen
the way you
handle yourself.

You've been
a great cheerleader
for this company.

So we were
thinking that, uh...

Well, you go ahead
and tell him.

No, you go ahead.

[CHUCKLES]
What's up, guys?
Come on.

Don't, uh, hold out
on me here. What?

We want you
to go on Moneylife
this afternoon

and announce our
quarterly projections.

Ooh.

You're the guy.
You're the guy
we have faith in.

You can get
our positive spin
out there.

Right.
Positive spin.

These are
fickle times, Dick.

We need to
stick together
as a team.

Like my daddy
always used to say...

[EAGLE SCREECHES]

Well, you can
count on me, sir.

I mean,
I can't tell you
how happy I am.

[LAUGHS]

Thank you.
Hey, how were
those eggs Florentine?

Best I've ever had.
FRANK: Good answer.

MAN ON PHONE:
I'm on the plane
right now!

And do you know
what's sitting in front
of me? Do you know?

A kosher meal!

A kosher meal!

How many times
do I need to tell you?

I don't need
a kosher meal!
I'm Episcopalian!

No... No, you, Miss, you...
No, you grow up.

Uh, Phyllis?

Can I, uh...
Can I talk to you
for a minute?

[MAN YELLING ON PHONE]

[WHISPERS] It's personal.
[MAN SCREAMING]

Wow. Never actually
had makeup on.

MAN: I'm happy for you.

Hi.

Hi.

Where's Sam?

Ah. Washington.

These are your
talking points.
They were just faxed over.

And Sam is on
the line for you.

Oh, hey.

Hello. Mr. Harper?

Hey, Sam.
How you doin'?
Nice talking to ya.

I, uh, thought
you were gonna be here.

Me, too. I hear
it's beautiful out there.

Oh, that's
the thing about...
SAM: Okay, Dick.

We're on in five.
Oh, yep, sure.

Four, three, two...

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Today we're talking
with the new VP
of Communications

at Globodyne,
Dick Harper.
[CLEARS THROAT]

How you doin', Dick?

Just terrific, Sam.
Thank you for asking.

And so is Globodyne,
by the way.
SAM: Uh-huh.

Now, Dick, tell me,
what is the shareholder
to make of the fact that

Jack McCallister,
your CEO,

has unloaded
a considerable share
of his stocks?

I think CEOs
sell their stocks
for many reasons, Sam,

both professional
and personal.

Actually, over the past year,
Jack McCallister has sold

80% of his holdings
through shell companies.

How do you
explain that?

The reasons for doing
something like that
would be...

Oh, losing you there.
Hold on.
[BEEPING]

The reasons for doing
something like that
would be, uh...

Could be many.

Uh, both, uh...

[CLICKS TONGUE]
Uh... Uh...

There's also talk of some of
the Globodyne portfolio
documents being subpoenaed,

specifically those
of your CFO,
Frank Bascombe.

[CLEARS THROAT]

And now, joining us
with his insights

is presidential hopeful
Ralph Nader.

Really?

Hi, Ralph.

Uh, big fan,
love your stuff.

I wish I could
say the same.

But I don't know
how you sleep
at night, sir.

I believe that
corporations like Globodyne

pervert the American dream.

They leverage our future

so the super-rich
get richer.

You are a disgrace.

Ralph, I don't know
where you're getting
your "sthatistics."

I can only say that,
in my estimation,

Globodyne is
completely transparent,
[BEEPING FLAT-LINING]

and we'd be
more than willing to share
any and all documentation.

What is going on?

Can somebody tell me
what the heck is...

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

Hey, there's a fire!
Somebody should...

Okay. Whoa!

This can't be good.

MAN: Out of my way.

Hey, that's my ficus!
My ficus!

You're not even
from this floor.

Help! Security!

[SIGHS]

[PAPER SHREDDER BUZZING]

What's going on?
FRANK: Oh.

So Dick finally
wants to know
what's going on.

Frank?

Methinks somebody
made a boo-boo.

Maybe we didn't know
how to use Quicken.

Yeah, that could be it.
[LAUGHING]

Frank. Frank,
try to focus, okay?

What's happening
to Globodyne?
Globodyne?

Yeah. Wha...
What happened, Frank?

We took our
shifting losses...

Yeah.

...and we put them
into businesses...

Yeah, yeah.

...that we actually owned.
Mmm-hmm.

And then the balance sheet,

it showed profit.

But actually,
there was...

Debt.
What the hell?

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

Oh, you're sick.

I want you to hit me.
Frank, let go of me now.

I want you to hit me.
Frank, let go.
You're scaring me.

Hit me.
Frank! Get off!

MCCALLISTER ON PA: And I have
the 6000 greatest partners
a man could ask for.

[MAN WAILING]

Mr. McCallister?

I don't know
what to tell ya, buddy.

We're just a cell
in a much
larger organism

called the global economy.

Weak companies
have to die

so that stronger companies
can get stronger.

It's just nature.
JACK: Nature? What?

You ever read
Walden Pond?
It's all in there.

Hey, you send him
a copy of the tape.

What about the other
employees, sir?

Hey, they're
gonna be fine.
Don't go there.

This is America,
the land of opportunity.

I don't know, sir.

With all due respect,
this doesn't feel right.

Step away from
the rotors, now, boy.

They gonna chop
your head clean off, now.

[DR. JOHN'S "RIGHT PLACE
WRONG TIME" PLAYING]

* I been in the right place

* But it must have been
the wrong time *

* I'd have said
the right thing *

* But I must have used
the wrong line *

* I been in a bad place

* And I'm wondering
what it's good for *

Honey? I'm home.

Oh, and the vice president
is home.

Oh.

Mmm-hmm.

I see you got them
digging the hot tub.

I know.
Yes, I called the guy.

They came right out.
Wow.

That almost
never happens.

I know.
We're so lucky.

[TIMER RINGING]

[LAUGHING]
Dinner's ready.

Look at it!

Oh, my gosh!

Look!
Wow!

I did it,
and it's perfect.

My gosh.

That could feed
a family of four.

Oh, I mean,
I... In my...

Look at that, Billy.
Jeez!

I'm surprised
you left off
the hooves.

[LAUGHING]

Uh, you know,
before we get
into that,

I have some
wonderful news.

Mama quit her job!
Yay!

I did. I did, I did!
Isn't that great?

Oh, my gosh!
That's incredible.

The timing of it,
it was just
beautiful, Dick.

And, oh, thank you.
I just... I just did it!

No. Oh, boy.

[GROANS] And now,
you know what?

I can spend
so much more time with
my little, beautiful boy.

DICK: Yeah.

Now, what's your news,
big Mr. VP?

I have something
of an announcement
to make.

It turns out that
a very wonderful opportunity
has just presented itself

in the form of me
not necessarily working

at Globodyne anymore.

[LAUGHING]

Were you fired?

I wasn't fired.
Globodyne tanked.

Dick!
Fired.

What...
What do you mean?

How could that happen?
Hmm?

They... They...
They just gave you
a promotion. And...

There is nothing
to worry about.

I'm gonna get my severance,
money from my pension.

We're fine.
I am a winner.

Billy,
tell your father
he's a winner.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

See?
Si.

[ALARM RINGING]

Hey! Our first day
at home together.

Hey.

Let's have
a big family breakfast.

Oh, gosh, honey,
Billy's already
gone to school,

and I gotta go meet him
for that "Mommy and Me"
lunch thing.

What are you gonna do?
Oh.

Are you gonna
look for a job?

You know what?

I think I might
just take this day.

Great.

I do, I think
you should.

But, listen,
I gotta go pick up
that thing at the thing.

Baby, I gotta go.
I'm sorry.

Sorry. Okay, good.

I'll see you later, baby.
Yeah.

Have a really good time.
Bye.

[SIGHS]

[SUBLIME'S "WHAT I GOT"
PLAYING]

* Early in the mornin'

* Risin' to the street

* Light me up that cigarette

* And I strap shoes
on my feet *

* Got to find a reason

* Reason things went wrong

* Got to find a reason
why my money's all gone *

[GRUNTS]
[CRASHING]

Okay.

* Life is too short
so love the one you got *

* 'Cause you might
get run over
or you might get shot *

* Never start no static
I just get it off my chest *

Cheers.

Former CFO
Frank Bascombe
has been indicted

on charges of fraud
and money laundering.

Lead investigators
say all roads lead
to Mr. Bascombe,

and no evidence
has yet to link

former CEO Jack McCallister
to this growing scandal.

We've all had
to make sacrifices.

I sold my place
in Jackson ho...
No, uh...

Martha's Vineyard.
Oh, shut up.

God.

[WHIMPERING]

Hey, bud.
Hey, hey, hey.

Can't be that bad,
can it, bud?

[IMITATES BARKING]

[BARKS]
[COLLAR ZAPS]

[BARKS]
Oh!

God.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, you know it.

Uh, so, can I
send you a resume?

No, I got
a terrific one here.
You'll love it.

Do you have
a fax number?

So there are
no new openings
at this time.

Right. And what about
the near future?

Uh-huh. Yeah. Sure.

I could stop calling.

This afternoon? Okay.

I'll be there. Bye.

Hon.
Yeah?

I got an interview
at Pyramid Tech.

[EXCLAIMING]

I was really starting
to wonder there.

[CAR ALARM BEEPS]

MAN: Hey.

Hold on!

Hey!

[LAUGHS]

Dick.
Oz.

[GROANS]

[ALL SHOUTING]

Wanna go get a drink?

You buying?

Sure.

Harper?
Yeah.

Dick Harper!
Yeah.

You don't have to
stand in this line.

Come on with me.

Hey, Oz.
Rain check.

OZ: Son of a bitch!

[MEN SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

MAN: Okay, rip it out.
Get it on the truck.

Hector, what's
going on? What...

What happened?

Your check
go bouncy-bounce.

But it's okay,
I heard what happened
to your husband.

Not everybody
could afford landscaping
like this, eh?

JANE: Hector, please.

I am sorry, Miss Jane.

Oh, no, no, no.

JANE: No, no. No!

This is all...

Everything,
it's all wrong!

I want this out.
Roll it all up.

I ordered
Kentucky bluegrass.

This is green.

Dick Harper!
What a stroke of luck.

Oh, jeez.

Uh-huh.

Um, I'm sorry,

I... I don't remember
where you know me from.

Oh, I don't know you.

I just saw you
spazz out Moneylife.

Oh, my God,
that was great.
[LAUGHS]

Hey, some of the fellas
would like to meet ya.

Hello, Dick.

I can't believe
it's really you.
Oh, my God, it's him.

Did you bring
your "sthatistics"?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Dick, we have
a little expression
around here

when someone
makes a mistake.

It's called
"Pulling a Dick."

Up high, up high.

Have you seen
Dickharperisatool.com?

Oh, you'll love it.
This is dynamite.

I don't know
where you're getting
your st... st... statistics.

[STAMMERING]
St... St... Statistics.

Who is that?
Who is that?

It's you!
It's you!

Can we just get on
with the job interview?

This guy!

We couldn't hire you!

We just wanna
take your picture.

Okay, everybody,
little bit closer.

One, two, three.

ALL: "Sthatistics"!

[MEN LAUGHING]

Hey. How'd it go?

Oh, not too bad.

Um, it was
good practice.

What are you doing?

Uh, going through
our finances.

I'm not sure,
but it seems that

we may be
in a little bit
of a pickle, Dick.

Well, sure,
our financial
bounce-back

has taken a bit longer
than expected.

But, you know,
that's natural.

Our lawn was
repossessed today.

I didn't even know
they could do that.

Now, I think
that maybe it's time
that you should

start thinking about
accepting something

a little bit lower
than a vice-presidency.

No. Took me 15 years
to get a VP-ship.

If I step back now,
I'll lose everything
I worked for.

We're just gonna
have to suck it up
for a couple of months.

In a couple of months,

we'll be declaring
bankruptcy.

Oh, come on.

Our... Our savings...

Look, our savings

was in Globodyne stock.
Jesus.

And look.
Our pension was
in Globodyne stock.

Everything was in
Globodyne's stock. All...

[IN SPANISH ACCENT]
Mom, the lawn
is covered with dirt!

It is so much fun!

I have made a mud man!

Now, Billy
is looking at
the glass half full.

Hon, relax.

We've got 600 grand.

Where?

We're standing in it.
Our house.

Since Globodyne,
the local property market
crashed, Dick.

If we sold
our house today,
we would actually

owe the bank
150 grand.

I knew it.

It was churning in my gut,
and I didn't listen, you know.

You said that
we could afford
this house...

I know what I said.
And we could take out
a second mortgage,

so that we could
put in the pool.

We could
redo the kitchen.
I said that.

All of that. And now
we are on the verge
of losing the house.

If we lose the house,
then Billy loses
all sense of security.

And later on,
never be able
to have a relationship.

So he'll spend
his whole life alone.

Just there he'll be,
just alone,

nobody with him,
just like a bum.

Hon? Hon?
Like a...

Yeah?
You need a paper bag?

You said everything
was gonna be okay.

[VACUUM SHUTS OFF]

DICK: Well,
if you're gonna do it,

be the best.

Hi.

I'm Lucy, and I'll be
your KostMart
training team leader.

And I am so happy
to welcome you
to the KostMart team.

Now, we work hard here,
but we play hard also.

Now, I think
we're all gonna have
a good time here

because at KostMart,
we're more than a store.

We're family.

Now, before we get started,
I am gonna need you all

to piss in one
of these cups.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Wow.

It's taking
a little while.

Just relax.

I've been married
for 20 years.

I know what
it looks like.

You want me
to get you a cola?

It's just hard to do
while you're standing
there watching.

I could sell you
my pee for $100.

I been off the pipe
for two years.
Thank you, Jesus.

MAN: Unfortunately,
we don't have any, um,

positions available
in pilates or yoga.

But we are looking for
a Jeet Kune Do instructor.

Y... Yes.
I mean, that's...

Oh, my...
I thought...

I... I didn't even...
I didn't say that?

I was born doing

that.

Hi, welcome to KostMart.

Watch.

Hi! Welcome
to KostMart.

Check out
our makeup counter
on aisle 12b.

Welcome to KostMart.
Check out our CDs.

Garth Brooks on sale,
aisle 51.

Welcome to KostMart.
Your local...

Gun emporium.
Aisle 42, hunting gear.

WOMAN: And the next thing
I knew, I was wearing it.

Oh. Well, Jane.

Hey, Veronica.

Hi, how are you?

Good, good.

I didn't know
you worked out here.

Hello there, ma'am.
Welcome to KostMart.

I hope you'll take a trip
by the deli counter today

for a complimentary
cube of jalapeno cheddar.

I'm lactose intolerant.

Where do you keep
the cigarettes?

[MUFFLED]
Behind the counter.

But I'm not sure
that's a good...
Dick?

You missed one.

I'll get it.
I'll get it.

Wait. Ma'am?

Ma'am. Welcome!

Here we go. Hi.

Hi. Um...

My name's Jane,
and I'll be your
instructor here today

for beginners'
Jin Ku Pow.

So let's just get
right into it.

Here we go.

[UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]

We're just gonna
loosen up a little bit.

Here we go. Yeah.

There we go.
And ho. And hit.

Excuse me!

Ma'am!

And jab.
And jab.

Ha, ha! Now I gotcha!
Get this!

[GROANS]

It's punch, and punch,
and step and kick!

[SQUEALS] It burns!

I saw you
eyeballin' me

when I came
in the door.

You were all up
in my goodies.

DICK: You know something?
I'm glad you fired me.

How's a person
supposed to survive

and feed their family
on that kind of a salary?

[CAR SAFETY LOCK BEEPS]

It's a lease.

[JOHNNY CASH'S
"WHY ME LORD" PLAYING]

DICK: I don't know
why we didn't
think of this before.

It's such a good idea.

But we're sorry
we couldn't pay you.
I mean, we have no money.

Oh, it's okay.

Your son is very
important to me.

I would do
anything for him,
Mr. Richard.

But in the meantime,

thank you for letting us
pay you in appliances.

Yeah.

SALESMAN: Congratulations.
DICK: Mm-hm.

Hey, think about this, hon,
how many places you'll see
on one tank of gas.

You want me to drive?
Yeah.

* So help me, Jesus

* I know what I am

* Now that I know

* That I've needed you so

* Help me, Jesus

* My soul's in your hand

Here it is!

* Try me, Lord

* If you think
there's a way *

It's all right.
We can live
without it.

People lived without these
for thousands of years.

There goes
the boxing match.

You can go to a bar.

It's rigged, anyway.

What are you doing
with the television?

JANE: Oh.

Hi.

Umm...
You're going to sell it!

No, no. Billy!

[BILLY SHOUTING]

God! Just go, Dick!

Damn it, Blanca,
grab him!

[GROANS]

Go, go!
BILLY: Papa! Mama!

BILLY: Don't take
my Telemundo!

Hurry, hurry.

Spongeroberto
squarepantalones!

JANE: God!
Just go, go, go!

BILLY: I want
my MTV Latino!

[HORN BLARING]

* Help me, Jesus

* My soul's in your hand

JANE: Dick, what
are we gonna do?

We've run out of
things to sell.

Well...

There's always
prostitution.

Dick!

I mean me.

Hon, we just gotta
look for more work,
that's all.

There is no work, Dick.
It's our only choice.

No matter how menial.

There's 6000 other people
out of work.

Vice presidents
are working at Burger King.

Honey, it's gonna be fine.

All we need is $400,

and we're good
for another month.

This is just temporary.
Okay.

So stay calm.
Okay.

And don't panic!
[GASPS] Damn.

[DOOR OPENS]
[DOG BARKS]

BLANCA: Umm...

Are you going to
sit in the dirt hole
all night long?

Come... Come on, hon.
Let's get out.

[SIGHS] Yeah.

I'm starting to turn
into a raisin, anyway.

What's the matter?

You look sad, Richard.

Blanca.
Hmm?

Call me Dick.

Well, Blanca,
there's just
no jobs out there.

Mira, I have a cousin

who might be able
to help you
find some work.

[**]

I need one guy
who knows how to paint.

That's me!

[ALL SHOUTING]

Hold on, I got it.
I got it.

Ha! I'm here.

Hey, I was here first!

[GROANING]

MAN: Congratulations, gueero.

You almost got that one.
Huh?

Don't worry.
There'll be more.

That thing
is already starting
to swell up like a balloon.

[SLURS]
Is it noticeable?

No.
Just a little bit.

Did you see that?

We should
report that guy.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Report him!

MAN 2: We should report him.
MAN 3: Let's report him.

MAN 2: I do it for you.

This is a new drug
in the same family
of Botox.

We don't expect
any problems.

Your check for $14
is waiting for you
at the front desk,

and we think
you are all going
to look beautiful.

Okay.
[MONKEY SCREECHING]

Now, if you can begin
by just filling out
those forms.

Those are
insurance waivers.

And then
you'll find a list

of various aspects
of your face.

Go ahead and check off
anything that you think

you might
want to improve on
just a little bit.

[MUMBLING]
Are deuces still wild?

ALL: No.

I'm screwed.

[SIGHS]

Well, I think
I'm gonna go, guys.

Carlos, Eduardo, Gustavo.
Mucho gusto, Dick.

Pleasure talking to you
last couple hours.

[TIRES SCREECH]

INS AGENT 1: INS!

INS AGENT 2: Hold it
right there.

INS?

INS AGENT 2:
Hold it right there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're not going
anywhere. Hold it.

You gotta be kidding me.
Oh, this is hilarious.

You guys know the drill.
Let's see some papers.

You gotta be kidding me.
Let's see some papers.

Where's my wallet?
Where'd my wallet go?
This is...

No, no.
I dropped my wallet.
My wallet is...

INS AGENT 3:
These are doozies.

What do you got?

We got a, uh,
Don Johnson, Elvis,

and Opie Taylor.

Okay, Dick Harper,
you're free to go.
Dick Harper?

That's me, Dick Harper.

Hey, that guy's
not Dick Harper!

Whoa! Jeez!
We don't want
problems here.

You're making
a serious mistake
in judgment, sir.

I am an American.

You gotta work
on your accent, Pablo.

Could we...
You wanna talk
to my wife, Yane?

Yeah.
Oh, okay, yeah.

We'll call
your wife, "Yane,"

and we'll "athk" her
if you're American.

And then we'll call
my wife, "Yennifer,"

and his wife,
"Yaqueline" too.

It's ringing,
it's ringing!

[PHONE RINGS]

Hola!

Get in!
No, wait!
I'm an American!

Yeah.
I swear on the fag!

Hey, watch your language.
Get in there!

Okay, we have
our results.

Negative side effects
with only three of 14
participants in the study.

That's not bad.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]

SCIENTIST: Let's see, now...
Hello?

Dick, what...

Oh, honey, I...
I can barely under...

What? Why are you
doing that accent?

[**]

Hoo!

Hoo.

[BIRD CALL]

[STAMMERS]

[WHISTLES]

[MEN SHOUTING]

Oh.

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

[SIRENS WAILING]

Oh!

Holy hell.

I did this
little cosmetics test,

and I... And I had
a little reaction.

Is it really that bad?

No, it's not so bad.

It's just different.

Hey, Dick, can we
talk about this
some other time?

Yeah, come on,
come on, go, go, go.

I gotta go in.

I gotta go to bed.

You coming?

I think I'm gonna
sit in the car.

And think
for a while.

Okay.

Don't think for too long.
We gotta get up early.

Soup kitchen
stops serving at 8:00.

[SIGHS]

[RANCID'S
"TIME BOMB" PLAYING]

* If you wanna make the move
then you better come in *

* It's just the ability
to reason that
wears so thin *

* Living and dying
and the stories
that are true *

* Secret to a good life

* Is knowing
when you're through *

I'm not playing anymore.

I've just about had it!

* Black coat, white shoes
black hat, Cadillac, yeah *

[GRUNTS] Sorry.

[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

Oh, my God,
I'm heartily sorry
for having offended thee.

It's okay.
I'm putting it back.

I'm putting it back!

It's okay.

* Black coat, white shoes
black hat, Cadillac, yeah *

* The boy's a time bomb

* Black coat, white shoes
black hat, Cadillac, yeah *

* The boy's a time bomb

* Time bomb!

Mmm.

Wha...

[GASPS]

Hon.

What happened?

I got the lawn back.

Got the...

Oh, Dick.

It's beautiful.

Honey.

Oh, Dick, I love you.

I love you.

[BOTH GROANING]

Ow, oh.

[SIGHS]

[SNIFFS]

Are these too big
for my face?

Uh-huh.

Well, now you look
like the Unabomber.

Good.

What are you doing
with Billy's squirt gun?

We followed the rules,
and we got screwed.

We were good people,

honest people,

and we got screwed.

Damn it.

[LAUGHING]

What are you gonna do now?
You gonna rob a bank
or something?

We got screwed,
over and over again, hon.

Then I stole the lawn back,
and you know what happened?

We have a lawn now.

Yeah, but...
[SHUSHING]

Uh-oh.

We're all just cavemen,

trying to protect
our little patch of land.

Well, I have a club,

and I'm gonna
take what I need.

[WHISPERS]
Maybe you should
steal some Prozac.

Keep laughing, Jane.
Keep laughing, okay?

I'll be back soon,
with the loot.

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm coming.

Not gonna miss this
for the world.

Suit yourself.

Besides, you're gonna
need a good wheelman.

[PANTING]

Okay, that's it.
Joke's over.
Let's go home.

No, no, no.
We haven't done
the caper yet.

Wow, okay, will you...
Then...

Then let's do it before,
you know, we die of
carbon-monoxide poisoning.

Wait! When you're
in there, will you
get me some SnoCaps?

Oh, no, no, no,
Raisinets,

Raisinets.
I want Raisinets.

Hon! Your thingy-mabob.

I knew.
All right.

And don't forget
to kill the witnesses, hon!

Okay.

[DOOR DINGS]

[DOOR DINGS]

[SOFTLY] Hi.

Ugh!

[LAUGHS]

[PANTING]

Brain freeze.

You ever get that?

Phew.

One brain freeze.

Anything else?

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah, I got something

else...

Right here.

Hey, Jake, take a break.
I got this one.

That'll be $1.29, please.

[GRUNTS]

[MUMBLING]

$1.29.

[DEVO'S "UNCONTROLLABLE URGE"
PLAYING]

Go! Jane, go!

Just go!

Oh, God. Oh, God.
You did it?

Oh, there that is.

That was wild.
That was wild!

You actually robbed
that place?

No, but I had a slushie,
and I didn't even
pay for it.

[EXHALES]

[LAUGHING]

Well, then our problems
are pretty much over.

Jane, just
drive the car, okay?

We'll find
another place, okay?

Give me your money!
Oh!

Garth!

Dick?

Oh, my God.

You remember Jane.

She's in the car.
Jane?

Hi, Garth.
Hey, Jane.

Honey, it's, uh,
the guy, Garth.

GARTH: What's this?

From the barbeque.

Harper,
what are you...

Oh, I had you
going there.

Had me going?
You scared me to death.

GARTH: You're a madman.
DICK: And we should
hang out soon.

Yeah, you wanna
hang out with Garth
soon, hon?

GARTH: All right.

Drive. Just drive.

Just drive the car.

Okay, Dick. Okay.

My car's right there.

[LAUGHING]

Thank you, sonny,
thank you.

Oh, no, I...
Oh, maybe.

[JANE LAUGHING]

DICK: Okay, stop the car.

Now, that place
is loaded.

JANE: They are ripe
for the picking.
Uh-huh.

And you are just
the guy for the job.

But seriously,
doesn't this remind you

of that movie "Heat",
with Val Kilmer?

I'm trying
my best here.

There's nothing
to be ashamed of,
is all I'm saying.

Dick, some people...

Some people have
that robbing thing and...

And some people don't.

Maybe you're not a badass.

SHOPKEEPER: Hey, man.
What can I do you for?

You can do me
for all the money
in the till.

This is a stickup.

Whoa, what's wrong
with you, dude?

I'm married.
That's what's
wrong with me.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!

Move it, paraquat.
Uh...

Come on, zig-zag!

[YELLS] Oh, God!
He's robbing me.

Dick!

Honey, robe.

Oh, God, okay.

Oh, sweetheart,
I'm sorry.

Listen to me.
What are you doing?

Are you craz...
What do you mean?

Listen, put your hands down.
He's been under
a bit of stress.

Why are you
undercutting me?
To be fair, we both have.

DICK: I'm trying
to rob this man.

We don't need
to do this.

I got a call
about the mortgage.

If we don't
pay it tomorrow,

the sheriff's coming
to put us out on the street.

Get the money
out of there right now!
I mean it!

Pull it out,
put it in a sack,
and let's go!

Come on.
Come on!

DICK: Wow,
that's fantastic.

Women are amazing,
aren't they?

This is like
jelly jars.

[BOTH YELLING]

Look, look.

DICK: Hon?
Huh?

I don't think
anybody's actually
following us.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Oh, look out for that.

[YELLING]

Oh! Park under there.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe
we just did that.

We did do it.

We did do it.

[MOANING]

[HORN BEEPING]

DICK: It's not like
we stole from some
old lady, you know?

Exactly. And you know,
maybe we can
figure out a way

we can give back
some of what
we've taken

to other people
who really need it.

We will.
It's a definite
possibility.

Wanna grab
a cup of coffee
while we're here?

Iced mocha
sounds nice.
Yeah.

DICK: All right,
everybody,
this is a holdup.

Get down on the ground
and you won't get hurt.

Whoa, Jesus.
Are you okay, hon?

I'm okay.
All right.

You! Two iced mochas,
let's go. Move it, move it!

Two iced mochas.
Yeah, whipped cream.

Whipped cream.
Any whipped cream,
hon, on yours?

No, thanks.
No whipped cream
on hers.

No whipped cream
Are these nonfat muffins?

[SCREAMS] Are they
nonfat muffins?
I think so!

Okay. Hon,
these are nonfat muffins.

Get some of those.
Which ones,
vanilla or chocolate?

In the back,
in the back.

This one?
No, no, that one.

Front?
No, that one.

Yeah, okay,
that's good.
That's good.

Okay, nobody
try to follow us,

because we're
desperate criminals.
All right?

We're crazy people.
And I'll kill you all!

Oh, honey.
Coffee, coffee.
Oh, yeah, right.

Thanks a lot.

JANE: What are you
doing in there?

What do you think?

[IMITATES MOTORBIKE]

It's Elvis on a motorcycle?

It's Evel Knievel, hon.

I like the way
it makes my butt look.

[LAUGHING]

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Hi, hi.

[ALL GROANING]

[THE MOONEY SUZUKI'S
"ALIVE & AMPLIFIED" PLAYING]

Oh!
Yay!

* Listen here
'cause here it comes *

* Got hot licks
on your guitar strings *

* Riffs and rhythms
and guitar things *

* Turn me on
and turn me up
and turn me loose *

* I'm alive and amplified

* Turn me on
and turn me up
and turn me loose *

* I'm alive and amplified

* Turn me on
and turn me up
and turn me loose *

* I'm alive and amplified

* Turn me on
and turn me up
and turn me loose *

Honey, where's my car?

Mercedes, out.

* Come alive
and a gimme five *

* Just slap my hand
and amplify *

Yay!

Now I can watch soccer!

[WHISPERS]
No matter what happens,
know that I love you.

Oh, I love you too.

Let's do this.
Okay.

Go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go!

No!

[DISTORTED]
Holy God.

This guy's really loaded.

[DISTORTED]
Ooh-wee!

Wow.

That's a lot of lettuce.

[CHUCKLING]

Should we
pistol-whip him?

[LAUGHING]

Hey, don't laugh.

Uh-uh.
Don't you laugh,
now, okay?

Because it demeans
what we're doing here.

Yeah.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Anyway, shall we?
Let's do it.

W... What is that?
DICK: Nothing.

Don't do
anything funny,
or else...

...you could pay
the ultimate price.

[HIGH-PITCHED
DISTORTED NOISES]

Beep, boop.
Beep, beep. Boop.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

* Domo Arigato

* Mr. Roboto

* Domo

* Domo

[HUMMING]

[IMITATES GUITAR]

Honey, come on,
cut the crap.

Let's go.

Okay.

Don't move.

We sound so funny.

I know.

That's what
I was thinking.
Oh, my God.

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

[SQUEALS]

Did you guys hear
what happened
to Bob Blaustein?

[LAUGHING]

Bob Blaustein?
Yeah.

Who's Bob Blaustein?

Oh, he works
at, uh, Sonent Global.

Or, should I say,
"worked" at
Sonent Global.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, and if they're
not careful,

Sonent Global's
gonna become
the next Pyramid Tech.

Absolutely.
Ooh, ouch.

Yeah.
Oh, Dick,

what have you
been up to since
Globodyne went under?

Oh, just workin' at home,

playing in the stock market.

I tell you guys...

It's like stealin' money.

You're on fire, Dick.

[**]

[WHISPERS] Last job.
Try to stay focused.
Okay.

Let me hold that door
for you, ma'am.

Why, thank you.
You're welcome.

Oh!

Oh, my goodness.
This woman
has fainted.

Are you all right?

You might want to
open her blouse
so she can...

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Breathe.
Right.

JANE: Oh, no,
no, no, I...

JANE: Oh, no.

[BEEPS]

Oh, that's it.

Oh, uh, let me
get back to you.
Excuse me.

Yes?
May I help you?

Vault inspector.

What happened to Phil?

Necrotizing fasciitis.

Caused by
an invasive streptococcus.

What?

Flesh-eating disorder.

It's all over the money.

Might wanna
wash your hands.

[BOTH YELLING]

WOMAN: Everybody down!

MAN: This is a robbery!
No way!

WOMAN: Freeze, everybody.

[SIRENS WAILING]

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.
Oh, no.

WOMAN: Nobody
move a muscle.

You, whiskers!

Whiskers,
on the floor.

Oh, Dick. Oh!

I will blow
those whiskers
right off your face.

All right! I'm down!

Go get the money, please.

WOMAN: You're money.
I'm guns. That's the plan.

Put your
weapons down.

Oh, shit.
Stick to the plan.

I'm putting it down.
I'm putting the weapon down.

WOMAN: Bring it on, pigs!

MAN: Honey.
What are you doing? Ow!

Oh, Dick.
Oh, Dick. Oh, Dick.

Run, Dick, run.

WOMAN: You coward!

Stay on the ground.

Whoa, boy.

WOMAN: You filthy pig!

I'm sorry.

WOMAN: Bring it on!

I'll take on all of you.
[WHISPERS] Oz?

Hon, get the car.
Get the car.

Debbie.

DICK: Thank you very much.

Oh, Dick. Honey. Oh!

Oh, thank God.
[SIGHS]

WOMAN REPORTER ON TV:
Oz and Debbie Peterson,

former employees
of now-defunct Globodyne,

were charged
with armed robbery

after holding up
a local branch...

Dick.

Dick, that could
have been us.

What were we thinking?

...and turned to crime

as a result of
their sudden unemployment.

DEBBIE: No, no, no, no!

Like this woman,
Naomi Seiler,
God!

a human-resources manager
caught last May managing
a different kind of resource,

220 kilos of
Canada's finest marijuana.

I knew her.

She always remembered
everybody's birthday.

Or this man,
Mark Fish,

a former VPof Globodyne
who was arrested

after using his home
as the setting for secret,
high-stakes cock fights.

Mark Fish?

He was such
a nice guy.

Former Globodyne
CFO Frank Bascombe

starts serving his 18-month
prison term next week.

18 months?
But that's nothing.

Bastard.

...trying to incriminate
Jack McCallister.

MCCALLISTER: I don't think
I got away with anything.

The collapse of Globodyne hurt
me financially and personally,

just like any other employee.
I'm sick about it.

I'm ate up about it.

Now, watch this shot.

Did I get him?

Now you did.
Great.

Look at that guy.

Everybody's in hell,
and he's on vacation,
shootin' stuff.

Man, I hope every one
of these bastards
get what they deserve.

Prosecutors say
next to be indicted
will be

company spin doctor
Dick Harper.

Harper gave the public...
What? Indicted?

...Globodyne's finances
about one minute
before the company...

Indicted?
That's not fair.

They made you
go on that show.

You hear what they said?
I'm gonna be indicted.

But you only said
what they told you...
Indicted, Jane!

Indicted!

I'm gonna be indicted!

Wait, it's gonna be okay...
Indicted!

Honey, Dick.
Indicted!

Honey.
I'm gonna be indicted!

Hold it, they can't...
It's gonna be okay.
Just calm down.

I can't calm down,
I'm gonna be indicted.

Indicted!

I'm gonna be indicted!

[DOOR OPENS]

Indicted!

[DOOR CLOSES]

I'm gonna be indicted!

You know, I haven't seen
you in the downtown club
for a while, sir.

Well, that's because
I was very, very busy.

Being indicted.

[EXHALES]

[YELLS]

[LAUGHING] Look at
all of these executives.

You guys
are my kind of peeps.

Captains of industry.

Masters of the universe.

Presidents
of hair club for men.

That's a nice
piece of hair.

You can't even see
the tread marks.

This squirrel died
of natural causes.

[LAUGHING]

Excuse me, pardon me.

I gotta get
to the toppy-tip
of the financial summit.

Isn't anyone
going to do anything?

This happens every week.

This guy actually
isn't that bad.

[MUMBLING]

[CARTOONISH VOICE] Hello,
I'm a corporate puppet.

And I'm gonna need
some more string

so I can go on believing
I'll be a real boy some day

without being manipulated

by the bullshit!

Oh, my God, Dick.
Come down from there.

Hon.

I'm in the middle of
a very important meeting.

Sweetie, you're standing
on a table,

pretending to be a puppet.

Who's pretending?

[MUMBLES]

Couldn't you have
just cut him off?

He only had
half a beer.

Dick, hi.

Long time no see.

[YELLS]

Frank!

I'm gonna get...
Frank!

Just...

Frank, where are
you goin'?

JANE: Dick!

DICK: Come on, Frank.

I just wanna have a talk.

Hey there, Frankie.

How do you like those
eggs Florentine?

JANE: Dick!

Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, it was Jack.

It was Jack.

He siphoned off
all of Globodyne's assets,

and then he dumped
the stock.

It was his plan
from the beginning.

Son of a bitch.

That fucker!

Hon, language.

She's right.

Yeah, and I bet
when you get out
of prison,

you'll get $20 million
to keep your mouth shut.

No, 10.

You think I could have
gotten 20?

Dick.
I want him.

Let go.

Don't you think
I feel terrible?

Why do you think
I'm drinking myself
to death?

Well, instead of drinking,
why don't you
do something about it?

Yeah, Frank.

Sometimes the cure
is a clean conscience.

That is good.

Thanks, hon.
I just thought of it.

You did?
Yeah.

You're right.
You're right.
Help me up.

Help me up.
Yeah, help me up.

I gotta think
of something.

Okay, just
give me a minute.
Just give me...

Hey!

Hey!

Not this time, Frank.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

It's force of habit.
I know a way.

I know a way.

But it's really,
really risky.

FRANK: That's where
Jack keeps it.

400 million
in highly liquid
US bearer bonds.

So it's a vault job.

Go in after midnight,
bypass security, and...

[IMITATES DRILLING]
Power tools.

It's a little
simpler than that.

Power tools.

FRANK: Jack's gonna
have to take those bonds
out of the safe-deposit box.

DICK: That should be
fun for him.

Here's my babies.

DICK: So, what's
he gonna do
with the money?

FRANK: There it is,
the Grand Cayman bank.

JANE: Grand Cayman?
What is this place?

FRANK: It's where
rich people go
to evade taxes.

DICK: Bastards.
JANE: Honey.

DICK: They can't hear us.
What's next?

FRANK: McCallister
takes the bonds
to an account representative,

who asks him
for his signature

to verify what they
call "membership."

And then, once
the bonds are counted
and confirmed,

McCallister will receive
a CRM-114 deposit form,

and on this form,
he inputs his account number

that only he
and the bank know.

And then the agent
will take this

to an authorization officer
for further verification.

And once the account
representative has stamped
and initialed the document,

the account rep
will take the CRM-114

back to McCallister
for final approval
before finalization.

I thought
you said this was
gonna be simple.

Can you explain it again?
Jane doesn't seem
to understand.

Jane, it's simple.
It's so simple.

Jeez.

Now listen.
All we have to do...
Phew.

FRANK: ...is switch
McCallister's CRM-114,

with his account number,
with one of our own.

So sorry.

FRANK: A copy
that we have made

that has a number
from an account

that I have established.

And Jack sends
the 400 million to us

without knowing it.

That's... You got it.
It's, uh, so simple.

That is beautiful.
It's a switch.

FRANK: It's a switch.
DICK: A simple switch.

It's a switch.
That is so sexy, man.

That is unbelievable.
That's gonna be fun.

Except Jane is gonna
have to do the switch,

because if McCallister
sees either one of us,

he's gonna know
something's up.

And I...

Do nothing.

I can do that.

Yeah.

Okay.

You... You do it then.

You... You're the one.
Yeah.

Yep.

[SIGHS]

I mean,
you could do it...
No, it's good.

No, you do it.
You do it.
You do it.

You deserve to do it.
Honey, it's...

[BESSEMER SUNSET FOUR'S
"MIGHTY DAY" PLAYING]

* A great day coming

[INHALES] Are you ready
to make the switch?

Yeah.
Do you have the form?

Honey, it's right here.

We should practice
the move one more time...

No, I got it.
Okay, fine.

I won't even
be involved, you know?

And I won't
participate at all.

It's all you.
Let's do one, for good luck.

Oh, I got dressed up.

You're not
doing me any favors.

Get outta the car!
All right.

I just think it's important.
That's all.

Okay, I'll be
the bank representative.

And you be you.
Whoa, whoa.

Whoa! Hey, hey!
Wait, sir!

No! No, no!

MAN: Sorry.
No!

Oh!

Everybody ready?

Uh, no.

What?

Well, Dick
lost the form. So...

What?

Do you have
an extra copy?

Do you have any idea
what I went through
to get that form?

Oh, let me guess,
a fifth of scotch!

[EXHALES]
You son of a...

Wait. Stop it.
Knock it off!

God, wait a second.
Can we get another one?

Is that possible?
How can we do that?

You know what,
I'm gonna take the car.

And I'm gonna try
to delay McCallister
from getting here.

He's here. He's here.
Oh, God.

What are you...
I'm going.

DICK: [WHISPERING]
That was not cool.

Okay. It's very simple,
I got it.

I got it.
It's very simple.

Go into the bank.
Go into the office

of the client-relations
coordinator.

All the document forms
are backed up
on her hard disk,

JANE: [WHISPERS]
Do I say hello?
Never mind.

Just blow past 'em.

[GASPS]
Whoa.

WOMAN: Oh, certainly.
I'll patch you through.

Quaint.

McCallister.
12 o'clock.

Okay, I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna go. Stall him.

Hon.
What?

How am I supposed
to find the client
relations coordinator?

Turn around.

Oh. Duh.

Oh, my.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Jack McCallister.

[LAUGHS LOUDLY]

I'm sorry.
It's me. Deb Festerbooth.

[SIGHS]

Hi.
Hi.

[CHUCKLES] Oh,
is that the legendary
espresso machine?

You want some?

Really, could I?
Sure, yeah.

Good to see you, sir.
From the fundraiser.

I am truly sorry.

But I really
don't recall you,
Miss, uh...

Festerbrook.
Booth. Yes.
I have to go.

No, listen,
this is crazy.

You have to remember.

[WHISTLING]
And here you go.

Thank you.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Oh, excuse me.
That's my phone.

Oh, me too.

Grand Cayman bank,
how may I help you?

[DEEP VOICE]
Karen Williams, please.

[PHONE RINGS]

This is Karen.

Yes, Mrs. Williams,
this is Officer...

...Redgreen of the...

MVPDL,

and we've recovered
a stolen vehicle

that is registered
in your name

and we'd appreciate it
if you could come down
to the impound lot...

What? My car's
been stolen?

[WHISPERING] Don't you
remember my tattoo of
a green monkey on my ass?

Someone stole my car
right outta the parking lot.
No way.

[SNORING]
[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Yeah.

[WHISPERING]
It's Dick. I got it.

Dick.
Yeah?

Is the client-relations
coordinator a blond woman
with a red scarf?

Yeah.
'Cause I think she noticed
that her car isn't stolen.

What's the account number?

P-N-5-9-7...

P-N-5-9-7...

Uh-huh?
2-K-4-0.

2-4-K...
No! 2-K-4-0!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[GASPING] My car!

Oh. Oh. Oh, my God.

Got it.

Oh, my God! My car!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I didn't see you there.
What is wrong with you?

Well, what's wrong with me?

You're parked
in a handicapped space.

That's not
a handicapped space!

It is now!

Yes!

[GRUNTS]

What are you doing here?
I got this...

It's too late.
It's too late.

The account rep's
authorizing the CRM-114,
right...

Oh, man!

Wait a second.

He's not going back
into the room.

Where is he going?

I'm gonna go down there and get
this stamped and initialed.

You stall him.

Oh, I hate stalling.

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Traffic congestion.

Hey, Spence.
Good to see you again.
How ya been?

[STUTTERS]
Well, thank you.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Uh...

Will you excuse me
for a moment?

Of course.
Yeah.

Hey, Dick, I'm probably
gonna be arrested for DWI.

[POLICE SIREN WAILS]
So I won't be there
when you get out.

Can we talk
about this later?

Look what I found in his car.
This guy right here.

Because I don't
wish to discuss this

in front of the branch
employees. That's why.

Nobody likes to be
the bad guy, Bill.

But here I am,
chopping heads.

[GRUNTING]

I already verified...

I understand
the need for layoffs.

I'm just concerned
about bank morale.

I'm fine.
Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Madam, can I have
my form back?

What did you
just call me?

DICK: [WHISPERING]
I just don't wanna
start a bloodbath.

Can I have
my form back?

Your "forn"?

Is that the correct
spelling of your name?

Why don't I just, um,
do this for you, sir?

My form.

You know, there is
one bright light
down here.

His name is Spencer,
the guy with the stampy thing.

He's top-drawer.
Thank you, sir.

[GASPS]

Dick? Dick Harper?
[PANTING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Jack McCallister.

[AWKWARD LAUGH]

MAN: You just struck me.

Look at you!
Look what the cat
coughed up.

[LAUGHING]
My gosh, you cut
an impressive swath,

I'll tell you that much.
And you smell good,
too, ya devil.

JANE: Just hold on a second.

What do you say
we just put all this
behind us?

Dick, what are you
doing here?

You know, working,
mostly, here.

Temporarily,
over in transfers.

Okay, just drop it.

Yeah, I was in Mexico
for a while.

But most of all, I've been
working in transfers.
Just drop it.

Oh, by the way...
Poppycocker.

... you are
my greatest inspiration.

So there's no
hard feelings about
the whole Globodyne thing?

Hey, you did
the best you could,

and that's all anybody
could ask for, right?

Very decent of you to say.
Like my granddaddy
always used to tell me.

Bye.

[EXCLAIMS]
You were so great.
We did it!

Mr. McCallister?

I don't know.
I think I might have
made a mistake.

Are you kidding?
You were great!
No, no, no.

[LAUGHING]

Days like this,
I'll tell you, they make
my hand shake.

Know what I'm saying?
[LAUGHING] I could imagine.

What's he doing?
I don't know.
What is he doing?

Uh, we got one situation
here, now, fellas,

which is that
that number wrong.

That's incorrect
right there.

[EXCLAIMS]

Did he see us?

[CHUCKLING]
[WHISPERING] I have no idea.

I think he saw you.

[WHISPERING]
I think he saw you.
Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.

You were sticking
your big head out there.

I gotta hit
the road here, fellas,

so I'm gonna
sign this for ya.

Then you gonna
change that for me.
Yes, of course.

[LAUGHING] Oh, man.
You know, this is really
not the time.

It's really not the...

[SIGHING]
Oh, God, he's coming.
He's coming, hon.

[SIGHING]

Jack, hey,
it was great, uh,
seein' ya.

Where's Frank Bascombe?

Come again?

You didn't think
I'd catch that,
now, did ya?

[STUTTERING]
What do you mean?

All right, Dick, here's
what you're gonna do.
You're gonna turn around.

You gonna march outta here
now. You're gonna take
goldilocks there with ya.

And I won't put the two
of you in prison
for a very long time.

Actually, honey,
I think that sounds
pretty good. I think...

[WHISPERING]
I think we should
take it, you know.

You think so, hon?

I think... I do.

Because I don't.

[WHISPERS]
Dick Harper!

I've been terminated,
bankrupted,

deported and blackmailed
because of you.

And I'm not leaving here
without your money.

What you gonna do, Dick?

Shoot me if I don't
approve that form?

Write me a check.

You are kiddin' me.

Dick, it's not
gonna do us any good.

He's just gonna cancel it
the minute we
walk out of here.

[EXHALES] I don't care.

I don't care.

I'm not walking out of
this bank empty-handed.

All right.
All right, Dick,

I'm gonna write you a check.

I'm gonna need
my hand back, though.

Gladly.

All right, yes, sir.

I'm gonna
write you that check.

And what's more,
I'm not gonna cancel it

as soon as I
leave the bank

because I think it takes
a lot of cojones to do

what you two
have done here today.

And I admire that.

So...

Here you go.

Just a little something
to show you what I think
you're worth.

Y'all take care, now.

[WHISPERING]
Dick, honey.

Give me
the squirt gun, okay?

Do you still have
McCallister's form?

Why?

Because I just got
his signature.

Weren't you an Art Major?

Dick Harper!

I had no idea
what you were doing!

I was completely fooled.

God, I didn't know
you could act.

Hon, in 10th grade
I played Biff in
"Death of a Salesman".

Oh, that's...
Just... Wow!

See the way I got
my eyes watering up?

Yes, sir.

It's all right there.

I am married
to a genius.

It's a turn-on,
isn't it?

[BREATHING DEEPLY]
You're a criminal.

I'm a hardened criminal.

Hon,

first, we need
to talk to Spencer.

Right.

[EXHALES]

Are you in the habit
of signing things without
looking at them?

Uh...

MCCALLISTER:
Miss Sheinkopf.

Miss Sheinkopf,
I'm gonna be home by six.

[CAR ENGINE STARTING]

[PEOPLE YELLING]

REPORTER 1:
Mr. McCallister!
Mr. McCallister!

We're all waiting
for you over here, Jack.

Everybody's really pumped.

Come on!

Is this some kind
of a joke, Dick?

Are you still trying
to get even with me?

Why would I wanna
get even with the most
generous man on the planet?

I still can't believe
you did that.

Jane and I
were way off base.

He's on in 20, right?
Let's hook him up.

Wait. On what?

Sam Samuels.
Moneylife.

Oh, and, uh,

here are some
suggested responses.

Live to southern California,

where, in the most
stunning act of
personal generosity,

Jack McCallister...
Who do you
think you are?

I'm your VP
of Communications, Jack.

...personally funded
the corporation's
struggling pension fund.

Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! You said
I just did what?

[CHUCKLING]
God.

I love this guy.

[LAUGHING] But, uh,
seriously, Jack,

what made you do it?

Well, I, I, I, uh...

Sam, I, uh...

[CAMERAS CLICKING]

[STAMMERS]
Uh... I...

I realized, Sam,

that since the employees
of Globodyne had
given me so much,

it was time for me
to give back to them.

So yesterday,
I wire-transferred...

$400 million

into the newly-created
Globodyne pension relief fund.

[ALL WHOOPING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Let's look at what
happened today

when the first
ex-Globodyne employees

received their
shares of money.

Many of these people
had their entire life savings
invested in the company

and were delighted
to learn their pensions
had been returned.

[CRYING] Oh God!

It is the first time
in US corporate history

that a CEO has
personally funded
a bankrupted pension plan.

This incredible gesture
won't soon be forgotten
by the people

whose lives it has
so dramatically affected.

And this is just
the beginning.
In the coming months,

thousands more
will be receiving a check

for the full value
of their lost pensions
and life savings.

[ALL CHEERING]

Jack, Jack,
he's got your back!

[ALL CHANTING]
Jack, Jack,
he's got your back!

Jack, Jack,
he's got your back!

You hear that?
They love you, Jack.

Now go to hell.

REPORTER 1: Mr. McCallister,
do you consider yourself
a modern-day Robin Hood?

REPORTER 2:
Do you wanna
save the whales?

[CROWD CONTINUES CHANTING]

[REPORTERS CHATTERING]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.

REPORTER 3: Have you
decided to contribute
to the homeless?

REPORTER 4:
What made you
so gracious?

[ALL CHATTERING]

MAN: Mr. McCallister,
how about giving
a brother a buck?

Look at our
beautiful family.

[DICK AND JANE
SPEAKING SPANISH]

My name is Dick Harper.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

[LAUGHING]

I agree.

GARTH: Hey, Harpers!

Stick 'em up!
[DICK LAUGHS]
Look who it is.

Garth?
How ya doing, Garth?

Great. Hey, how do you
like the new wheels?

Nice.
Hooked up with
a new company.

Great benefits.
Yeah?

Yeah. They trade energy.
It's called Enron.

* Oh, the moon belongs
to everyone *

* The best things in life
they're free *

* The stars belong
to everyone *

* They gleam there
for you and for me *

* Flowers in spring
the robins that sing *

* The sunbeams that shine

* They're yours
and they're mine *

* Love can come to everyone

* The best things in life
they're free *

* Moon belongs to everyone

* The best things in life
they're free *

* The stars belong
to everyone *

* They glitter there
for you and me *

* Flowers in spring
the robins that sing *

* Sunbeams that shine

* Oh, they're yours
and they're mine, y'all *

* Love can come to everyone

* The best things in life
they're free *

* Oh

* All the good things

* Every one
of the better things *

* The best
best things in life *

* They're free

[**]

[**]

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