Original subtitles

(Singing) Hell no, we won't go.

No, we won't go.

Hell no, we won'! go.

Hell no, we won'! go.

No, we won't go.

Hell no, we won't go. Hell no, we won't go.

Sit down.

All right, Stern.

You're next.

Leg cramps, tension,

headaches, ingrown toenail,

prickly heat, and occasional bedwetting.

Bedwetting, Stern?

Yes, sir.

Only when I'm nervous, sir.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'll tell you what, Stern,

when you get to basic training,

you give this little note to the supply sergeant.

Supply Sergeant?

That's right.

That's an eight-week supply of rubber sheets.

Oh.

Wait there.

They asked to see you together.

What are they, a couple of Siamese twins?

N0, but I get the feeling

that they're joined together from time to time.

Well, send them in.

Shut the door.

Devlin?

Yes, sir.

Is that a checkmark?

Well, that's kind of hard to say, sir.

Looks more like a smudge to me.

Well it's your application boy.

So, what are you trying to say?

Are you or aren't you?

'Cause if you are,

you're gonna have to sign a statement verifying it.

Am I or aren't I what, sir?

Well, you can read can't you?

Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, well see, it doesn't say am I or aren't I.

The way that it's worded is have you ever had a...

I know what it says.

Now what's your answer?

Well, that depends on how you would define an experience.

And what's your problem, boy?

I have no problem, sir.

Well, it says here that you want to be with Devlin

throughout your entire tour of duty.

Yes, sir, that's correct.

Well, what do you think we're running here, a boy's camp?

I understand perfectly sir, it's just that well,

Danny and I have been together ever since grade school,

and well, if we couldn't remain together, I'd just die.

I just don't think I could take it, sir.

You don't understand how it is.

Hey, let's can the B.S., alright.

Now, do you boys want to go in the Army?

- Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.

Fine.

I told you there was nothing to worry about, Elliot.

You know how it is.

Every time I want something real bad, I never get it.

Oh, I know.

Oh, but this is gonna be so marvelous,

living with all those guys.

Hold it!

Are you a homosexual?

No.

Are you a homosexual?

Perish the thought.

Do you ever wear women's clothes?

I'm no drag queen, doctor.

Why not? Too embarrassed?

I just think it's a bit much.

How about you?

Now which do you prefer,

young boys, or mature men?

I think when you really love somebody

that age shouldn't matter at all.

How about you?

Do I get a choice?

Do you favor (bleep) or (bleep)?

Sex has nothing to do with love.

I think it's much more how you feel about the person.

How about you?

(Bleep bleep)

I believe one should remain receptive

to one's partner's needs.

Inhibitions have ruined more marriages.

What do you think of her?

Oh, those are heavenly beads.

What do you think of her?

Hair is too long.

What do you think about

when you look at something like this?

Well, muscles have never been my bag, but...

And you?

Oh, now, that's nice.

Do you mind if I keep it?

I don't have this one at home.

That's all.

Well, you're free to go.

The Draft Board will notify you in two to three weeks

of your reclassification.

Does that mean the Army doesn't want us?

Not at this time.

However, if we uncover any additional evidence

that changes our opinion,

we'll reclassify you 1-A.

I counted so much on going in.

What are we gonna tell our friends?

Oh, I'm sure you'll think of something, Devlin.

Here comes the young counselor.

Hey, Danny.

Dad.

Hi.

The old million-dollar knee, right son.

Whoever would have thought that old track injury

would show up at a time like this?

I'll bet it won't keep you from running around a little

when you get up to Stanford, will it?

Well, actually I don't think I'm gonna have a lot of time

to do much of anything.

I think they keep you jumping pretty good up there.

Stanford? That's my alma mater.

Say, before you accept any offers, Dan,

I want a chance to better the deal, agreed?

Ag reed.

How about that, Danny?

You haven't even cracked your first law book,

and already you've been guaranteed a position

with one of the finest firms in the city.

It pays to have friends in high places.

What are your plans now dear,

now that Danny has his deferment?

Are you gonna keep flying.

Oh, yes, I've asked the airlines

for a transfer up to San Francisco,

so we can be together as much as possible.

We're gonna get some sun okay. Excuse us.

- Have fun. - Okay.

Gee, I didn't know he had asthma.

Maybe that's what you've been mistaking for passion.

I really don't see what you all see in him.

Well, as lover boy says,

"if you haven't tried it,

don't knock it".

- Hi. - Hi.

Hey big brother, how's the old knee?

Tricky, very, very tricky.

And this fruit says to him,

"But sergeant, I've just been there,

and they sent me back here,

and I just don't know where to go anymore.

I'm so confused...

Hey, Elliot.

Excuse me for a second.

Oh, there he goes again.

He's so jealous.

Do you have to pull that fag routine around here?

What's wrong Danny boy, we're out.

I realize that.

I just don't want anybody getting any ideas.

Okay, don't get spastic over it.

What are you doing later?

I just have to take Karen out to the airport. Why?

Wait 'til you see what I've got lined up for you

for a little after hour scene at my place.

My gift to you for springing us free.

Okay-

You know I think that...

My, that boy seems popular.

Your daughter certainly adores him.

Yes, doesn't she.

You know I'm glad Danny cultivated Elliot's friendship.

He needs to be with somebody more outgoing.

He has a tendency to be on the shy side.

Going up to celebrate your victory, Devlin?

I guess.

(Doorbell)

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Laverne,

and you must be that genius

Elliot was telling me about.

You must be my little surprise.

Where is Elliot?

Doing his homework.

Can I fix you a drink or something?

Oh, no.

I'll make you that drink.

You relax.

Easy, Dan.

We've got all night.

Yeah.

Mm!

Mm, mm, mm, mm...!

Hey, what's your problem?

Am I too fast for you?

No, as a matter of fact, you're not fast enough.

You've gotta leave.

Out of here, you've gotta take your purse.

You've gotta get out.

Come on, go.

This is gonna be a bust. The police are outside.

Well, why didn't you say so?

You can tell Elliot to just go...

Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. Back stairs. Please.

Elliot.

Listen to me, that colonel from the Draft Board

is downstairs checking the apartments.

What?

Just get dressed!

Oh, dear.

Look, Elliot, if you don't believe it,

you come look for yourself, okay.

How do you know it's him?

I saw him downstairs checking the mailboxes.

Okay, so we're having a little celebration party.

With girls?

You know what he said about uncovering new evidence...

Will you get her out of here!

Okay, sweetheart, get dressed, huh.

I can't.

Just do as I say.

But I can't.

You've got my dress on.

Oh, dear.

Look Elliot... Will you get dressed!

It's what we've got to do, now do it!

Look, Elliot.

There's no other way.

It's what we've gotta do.

Not here.

The lady who pays the rent doesn't dig roommates.

Okay, we move somewhere else.

Look, I can't even afford this setup,

and I only pay for the groceries.

Look, don't sweat the money.

That I can handle.

Look, how can I walk out on her now?

She's gonna buy me a car.

Oh, wonderful.

Why don't you go get your tail shot off in Vietnam,

and she can buy you a wheelchair!

Oh, I don't know.

I do.

No, it's not.

This area's just right.

Exactly what we're looking for.

You know I have quite a few other listings

I think you'd find far more suitable.

I have a place in Malibu,

and a couple right above the strip, right up here in the hills.

No, no, no.

No, this is just fine.

It's just peachy.

Oh, frankly fellows,

I really don't think you're gonna like this place.

It's rather sedate here, and the tenants, well,

they tend to be more on the conservative...

Actually fellas,

I have several of my very best friends

are members of your faith.

Would you look at this cottage.

I think you'll find it rather unique.

Well, here we are.

Kitchen here has all modern appliances, all gas.

Here's the breakfast nook.

Isn't that tastefully designed?

Beautiful view,

and a real fireplace.

Look at that.

The bedroom is up this way.

Now, for the coup de grace.

Of course, if you'd prefer something in a two bedroom...

No, no.

One bedroom is right.

Why don't you fellows have a look around,

and I'll wait for you downstairs.

What do you mean this is all right.

Look, Elliot,

I don't want this anymore than you do, you know.

It's bad enough I gotta live here in fairyland.

Now, you want me to share the same bed.

You're forgetting something.

You see, we're supposed to be living like uh...

Yeah.

Well, like uh...

lovers.

Swell.

And what'll we do for a nursery

when the little ones come along?

It's for you sweetie.

We'll take it.

I think it was a terrific idea.

It'll give him a chance to sow some oats

before he has to settle down to those law books.

Best thing he could have done.

I suppose you're right.

But I still don't understand why all the rush.

The least he could have done was discuss it with us.

Well, you know how boys are.

They get ideas in their heads, and...

Miss Devlin.

Well, I think he could have shown a little bit more taste

in choosing a roommate.

Well, don't you think you owe me some kind of explanation.

We'll talk about it sometime, baby.

Hey, baby.

When do I get to try out the new workbench.

Not until the decorator's through, darling.

The color scheme clashes with your hair.

Elliot, be a dear and put some of this on my back.

Sure, Marilyn.

Charles will be away this weekend.

Same set of rules as always.

Sorry, love, I'm taking my sabbatical.

I take a few weeks off every seven years,

whether I need it or not,

to recharge my batteries.

I've run out of excuses to give these broads.

We've gotta talk this thing over right now,

and make other arrangements.

Elliot, there's nothing to talk about.

I told you, I think I saw that colonel downstairs

questioning one of the neighbors.

Yeah, well, right now he's not my problem.

You know if I don't get a kiss

two, three times a day I get a complex.

I realize that, but you're gonna have to learn to,

excuse me, live with it.

How about if I motel it with them?

Wrong.

Yeah, but if I explain to them that we...

No.

No.

Look, Elliot, we can't see anybody,

we can't tell anybody.

We've gotta live like homosexuals.

I don't want anybody even accidentally tripping us up, you know.

If they're gonna start sending investigators around and we...

(Door Opening)

Hi there.

I'm Malcolm DeJohn, your landlord.

I live across the courtyard.

Oh, I'm Danny.

Oh, how do you do.

I'm Elliot.

Well, pleased to meet you.

You are the muscular one, aren't you.

I just adore this cottage,

and I decorated it myself.

Isn't it elegant?

It's you. It's really you.

Oh, thank you, dear.

Cool it, Elliot.

So, are you two just getting started?

Oh, well, actually, you see, uh, we're uh...

We're newlyweds.

Oh, how wonderful.

I must tell Craig.

- Craig? - My better half.

Or at least he likes to think he is.

But then, you know how men are.

Beasts, all of them.

Aren't they though?

You know, if it weren't for this

dreadful feeling of insecurity that I've had all my life,

I'm not sure that I ever would have gotten married.

I was willing to live in sin.

Yes, well, I prefer living in California myself.

It's time for me to feed my peonies.

Your what?

Elliot, those are flowers.

Flowers, right?

They certainly are.

I have the most gorgeous peonies in the entire country.

I bet you have.

I'd like to see them sometime.

Well, I bet you would.

Toodle-loo.

Mr. DeJohn.

Malcolm, Danny, Malcolm.

Malcolm, I'd like to thank you for the fruit,

You're welcome.

And I hope that you can come on over

and have a drink with us sometime.

Oh, we'd love to.

I'd love to meet Craig.

Well, I'm sure he'd love to meet you.

Ciao.

Do you believe that?

Elliot, Aw don't put on people like that.

It's people like that, that go to the Draft Board

and blow the whole thing.

Temper, temper, temper, temper.

Elliot!

98,

99,

100.

You know it's a good thing the Army turned you down.

You'd never make it past the barracks scene.

What's your problem?

Afraid I'm gonna see your precious little bottom,

or are you turning into a silly little closet queen.

I just like my privacy that's all.

It's just a big game to you, isn't it, Elliot.

Well, what else can you call it?

Oh, the fact that they're probably

watching the house at this very moment

doesn't seem to worry you a bit.

Shh, they probably have it bugged.

Do you think they bug the place?

Absolutely.

That's funny.

Ha, ha.

I can see living with you

is just gonna be a series of bad jokes.

I'm gonna take the side by the phone, okay.

I'm expecting a long-distance call from Karen.

We've got a date tomorrow night.

Oh, that's just great.

I thought you were the one that was all uptight

about the no-broads routine.

Well yeah, I am, it's just that,

well you know, I don't want her to get suspicious.

She doesn't know anything about this,

and how's it gonna look

if I suddenly pull a disappearing act.

After all, I am engaged to the girl.

That's a copout buddy, and you know it.

Expect me to play it straight

while you're out with your chick.

No, that's different.

You don't owe those ding-a-lings of yours any explanation.

It's different with Karen.

Look, if I can just talk to her over dinner,

and try to fix it up so she doesn't get any ideas.

And what am I supposed to be doing meanwhile?

I don't know.

You could read Playboy,

or do some pushups in front of the mirror,

or you could build a model airplane.

Oh, you're just a sweetheart.

Peace.

Lovers should never go to bed angry.

Look, Elliot, I'm sorry.

I didn't know this thing would get this heavy.

It's not turning out anything like I'd planned.

I figured that once we snowed them down at the Draft Board, that was it.

Ah, forget it.

But there's something you ought to know.

Hmm'?

You're not the first man I've ever gone to bed with.

When I was a kid, I used to sack in with my father.

(Knock on door)

Good morning.

Could I borrow a couple of eggs,

and some oregano, if you have some?

Urn-hum.

Come on in, Malcolm.

Oh, thank you.

I was in the middle of whipping up

a little surprise for Craig, and I ran out.

I can't make this very...

My God, what's happening here?

Looks like you had a fistfight with Julia Childs.

I'm trying to make breakfast.

I'm really not too much of a hand in the kitchen.

Say no more, I understand, darling.

When Craig and I were first married,

I didn't know a thing about cooking either.

I used to dress a turkey in Levis.

In fact, on our very first wedding anniversary,

Craig gave me a cookbook,

and I gave him a stomach pump.

Why don't you run upstairs, darling,

and let me take care of this.

Oh, I don't want to put you to any trouble.

It's no trouble at all.

Now, come on, run along.

Shoo, shoo, come on.

Let your fairy godmother get her wand working.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

(Music)

Like the music?

It's all right.

Our interior-decorating landlord

came over to borrow some eggs,

and he's offered to cook me breakfast.

Oh really.

You two are getting awfully chummy.

Better watch out, Craig's liable to get jealous.

Oh, no.

Malcolm's just being friendly.

Sure he is.

And he hasn't tried to touch me or anything.

I'll bet.

Anyway, I'll bet he cooks better than you do.

I doubt it.

Hi, Malcolm.

Oh, good morning, Hercules.

Why don't you go sit right down?

Breakfast will be ready in a jiff.

No, I gotta rush.

Wow, it smells terrific.

Why, of course, it's terrific.

It's my secret recipe,

Montezuma madness.

Maria Montana served it to her lover in

"The Son of the Cobra Queen."

Malcolm, take it easy with the kid.

Don't spoil him.

He's tough enough to live with.

Oh, Elliot, I wouldn't dream of spoiling Danny.

It's hard enough with Craig.

He loves my cooking so,

I practically have to beg him to take me out to a restaurant.

You know, I think I will try a little.

I knew you couldn't resist it.

Neither could Jon Hall.

You're not going to eat my omelet like that!

You're right.

Oh.

Just what it needed.

See you later, Malcolm.

Caramba.

What a charming place.

So quaint.

Hi, what are you doing here?

Well, we thought we'd stop by

and see how you two bachelors are making out.

Oh, we're just making out fine.

Sure looks that way.

I may even move in here with you for a few days myself.

Great. The door's open.

Thanks, Elliot.

Danny.

Oh, hello.

I'm Malcolm DeJohn, Danny's landlord.

Well, I'm Danny's mother.

Oh, well, how do you do.

I'm Danny's father.

- Oh how do you do. - How do you do.

Mom, dad.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Well, we just happened to be in the neighborhood

and thought we'd stop by.

Oh, well, I came over to borrow some oregano.

Danny was lost in the kitchen.

Malcolm offered to make me breakfast.

Well, that's very sweet of you.

Danny, I love your cottage.

It's just so...

Well, actually, we haven't had a chance,

you know, to straighten...

Malcolm, are we keeping you?

Oh, no, no, not at all.

Why don't you show them the cottage?

I know they'll adore it.

Danny, what is this?

Oh, it's a statue,

of two wrestlers.

But they're not wearing any clothes.

Right.

You know how the Greeks do it dad.

Oh yeah, sure.

Well, it's a lovely place.

It's so quaint.

Oh, I must call Dolores, and have her see this place.

Mom, it's so messy upstairs.

Oh, that's all right.

Everything all right, Danny?

Need any money?

Barney.

No, no, no.

You must come and see this.

Dad, about the bedroom.

It's not exactly...

Well, well.

I never expected anything quite like this.

Yeah, well you see, two women lived here before we did,

and we haven't had a chance to change it yet.

Yeah, they had rather strong taste, didn't they.

Where does Elliot sleep?

Elliot?

Yes, show me his room.

No, that's not his room.

See, this is the bathroom.

It's a one-bedroom apartment,

but we're gonna get a couch downstairs

that pulls out into a bed.

That's good.

That belonged to the girls who lived here before.

Well, dad, you've seen it all.

Gee, I'm sorry you and mom couldn't have stayed longer.

Charming.

Mom, would you excuse us a second?

Listen dad, I wanted to talk to you

about the color of the room, you know, pink.

Well, I don't like pink either.

We're gonna get some brown paint,

and I think it'll look really good, dark brown.

Oh, Mrs. Devlin.

That's one of Freddie's isn't it?

Freddie's?

Freddie Braych.

I'd know one of his designs anywhere.

Why yes.

I didn't know men appreciated such things.

Well, not all men do.

Listen, you know,

I hope you'll be able to come up to campus this fall,

see some of the football games, you and mom.

SC is playing up there this year.

That color is yummy for you,

and it adds a very youthful line to your figure.

Oh, do you really think so?

Oh, I do indeed.

Danny's very lucky to have such a lovely looking mother.

Well, you know, as a matter of fact,

I was very young when Danny was born.

I'm sure you were.

Evelyn, I...

I must rush.

I have to get back to my soufflé.

So nice to have met you, Mr. DeJohn.

My pleasure.

Danny, I put the omelet in the oven.

Please try and eat it before it gets cold.

Au revoir, Mrs. Devlin.

Isn't he marvelous?

Yeah.

Isn't he?

Evelyn, I have to be on the first tee by 11:00.

- Goodbye darling. - Goodbye mom.

- Goodbye Danny. - Dad.

Thanks for coming over.

I'm so glad Danny found such a lovely place.

Karen's going to be thrilled when she sees it.

And he has such nice neighbors.

Thank you, it's very good.

Oh, honey, that sounds fantastic.

Well, it's a lot better than living at home, I'll tell you that.

- Do you want another brandy? - Uh-hm.

But I'd like it over at your place. I'm dying to see it.

Well, you will, you know.

But well, we just moved in and the place is a mess,

things all over the floor.

Oh, I wish we finally had a place to ourselves,

and I could cook and play house with you.

Baby, just as soon as I start school,

you'll fly out of San Francisco,

and live with me in Palo Alto.

I know.

I wish we could get started right now.

Well, we could get started.

What's happening back at your place tonight?

Not much.

Let's see, Joyce is in Denver,

Carolyn's in Chicago,

and one of them is due back tonight around midnight.

Well, that gives us about enough time.

Uh, Danny, couldn't we please go back to your place.

I promise I'll keep my eyes closed

until the lights go out.

I promise I won't see a mess...

Honey, look, it's really a bad idea.

Elliot's probably home and...

Look you've got a flight tomorrow morning at 9:30 anyway, don't you?

That's true,

but next time let's make some better arrangements.

Look, I will next time.

You just have to have patience with me.

Things have been so frantic lately.

I don't even know what's gonna happen next.

It's only a copy,

but it's Michelangelo's David,

and I fell in love with it when I first saw it.

As a matter of fact,

Craig and I thought it would be kind of heaven for your living room.

I don't want you people going to any extra expenses or anything.

Oh, nonsense, Danny,

and I know exactly where to put it.

You know, Danny,

"Home Beautiful" wanted to do a spread on this cottage,

but just the idea sounded vulgar.

You know, seeing the two of you getting started like this

is reminiscent of Malcolm and myself

when we were first married.

Oh yeah?

The struggle we had in the beginning trying to adjust.

Well, you know what I say.

Give a little, take a little.

How true.

God knows, Malcolm isn't the easiest person to live with.

High strung, temperamental.

You've got to watch every word you say to him.

The slightest thing is liable to set him off

on one of his tantrums.

Geez, I thought you two were made for each other.

I know.

But believe me, it hasn't been easy.

It started off with the usual physical thing,

you know, just a plain pickup.

Been through it myself.

But how long can one keep up these casual affairs?

You get tired of cruising.

It gets so depressing after a while.

It's just the same old thing,

over and over again.

It leaves you feeling so, so...

Drained.

Exactly.

Before I met Malcolm I was married to a real tramp.

I couldn't trust him alone for a minute.

The breakup was very messy.

I can imagine.

The anguish of trying to explain it to your friends,

realizing all the time

that he had probably been intimate with them.

The utter humiliation of it.

You know what I say.

Love them and leave them.

Again, thank you for the gesture as far as...

- Isn't that lovely? - Yeah.

Cigarette?

It seemed appropriate.

Tell me, how have you and Danny

managed to make a steady thing of it.

Well, we... I guess it was love at first sight.

I guess.

We took one look at each other,

and we knew we were destined for one another.

How romantic.

You never tell me anything like that.

What do you expect after seven years?

Omar Sharif?

Yes.

(Knock on door)

- Hi. - Hi.

Well, we sure had a hard time finding this place.

Who are you guys hiding from, the FBI?

Hi.

I hate to admit it, lover boy,

but you know you've only been gone a few days,

and already I'm beginning to miss

your homely little face around the house.

How'd you find us?

Well, your roommate invited Bunny over,

and we were out shopping,

so I decided to come along with her.

You don't mind, do you?

Oh, no, no.

I thought I told you to call first.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Craig and Malcolm, this is my sister, Lesley.

- How do you do. - How do you do.

- Hello. - Hi.

And this is Bunny over here.

Hi.

Why don't you just sit down.

I'm sorry, Danny,

I didn't know you had guests.

Oh, well, we're not guests.

You see, actually Craig and I live across the courtyard.

It's just one big family.

Oh, well, mom told me all about this place,

so I just thought I'd come here and look for myself.

Somebody sure is queer for nudes around here, aren't they'?

Oh, you sure did look silly in my dress the other night.

Oh, dear.

Bunny, why don't we go upstairs

and look at the bedroom.

Daniel, why didn't you tell us

that you have such a lovely sister.

She's adorable.

In fact, they both are.

Oh, they're all right, if you dig girls.

Well, I have a sister too.

Oh really?

Recently married.

She married a lovely Olympic swimmer.

Tell me.

And the wedding was gorgeous.

The best man gave the groom away.

My father gave the bride away.

And the fact that I wanted to be flower girl,

gave me away.

I bet it did.

(Giggling)

Oh, dear.

Danny, it's really too much.

Who's your decorator, Tiny Tim?

My dear child,

I decorated every inch of this cottage myself.

Tiny Tim, really.

Oh, dig this crazy bug bomb I found.

Sweet child,

that crazy bug bomb is worth about $5.00 a squirt.

Oh, dear.

Well, excuse us.

I guess I can tell when we're not wanted.

Come on Bunny, let's get out of here.

Hey Bunny, hang around a while.

They'll be leaving soon.

Don't bother, Bunny.

It's obvious you'd rather

spend your time with your neighbors.

Bye.

Come on, but...

I'm terribly sorry about this.

Oh, it's all right, Danny.

Danny, I want to talk to you.

Oh, would you excuse me a second please.

Certainly.

Talk about being un-cool.

Hey, now wait a minute.

Whose idea was it to invite them in the first place?

Look, Elliot, I thought that we had an agreement.

- Look, it's only your sister. - Yeah, but that other one isn't my sister,

and you obviously invited her over.

They found the place.

- I didn't know they were coming over. What do you want me to do.

- You had invited (Unintelligible).

- I didn't do anything, what do you want me to do?

I don't know about you, but I'm hurting.

Do you want them to hear us?

What do I care if they hear me.

Look, you can take this whole scene

and shove it for my money.

Look, if I don't start getting a little,

I'm gonna wind up a basket case.

Why don't you broadcast it to the whole world.

Where'd everyone go?

Where do you think everyone went?

Look, Elliot, if Malcolm and Craig

think that we've been putting them on,

they could go right to that Colonel

and spill the whole thing for us.

Where are you going?

Well, I'm gonna go and try to straighten it out.

Straighten them out.

Impossible.

$5.00, $10.00, $15.00,

$20.00, $25.00, $30.00.

(Knock on door)

- Hi, Craig. - Hi.

Listen, I wanted to apologize.

Oh, don't be silly. Come on in.

Thank you.

Make yourself at home.

- Who is it, dear? - It's Danny.

Here, take a seat.

Danny.

Hi, Malcolm.

Hello.

I love your rug.

Oh, isn't Beulah heaven?

I trapped her under the sink.

What's going on.

I wanted to apologize to the both of you

for the scene that was caused.

I had no idea that Elliot was gonna invite anybody over.

Well, Danny, first of all, you don't have to apologize.

Good Lord, Craig and I have had our ups and downs.

Haven't we dear?

We certainly have.

In fact, I was just telling Elliot

that we fought that entire first year we were married.

Year and a-half.

Would you like some iced tea?

Sure.

Lover?

No thanks.

Just a little sugar.

Certainement.

Well, you and Elliot seemed to hit it off marvelously.

Oh, he's a very nice person.

In fact, you're very lucky to have him.

Yeah.

Now, listen lover boy.

If you're going to make any sudden changes,

I wish you'd let me know.

I was writing out the check to your landlord

when I found out you'd moved.

The bedroom is upstairs, I take it.

Yes, but you don't understand.

We've really got to hurry because I told Ben

I was going to get my hair combed out.

You can spare me 2O or 30 minutes, can't you?

Yeah, well, look, I meant to call you

and explain what's happening.

I'm sure you did.

My, you have gone theatrical, haven't you, darling.

Well, it came this way.

All that's missing are the mirrors.

Darling, you don't seem too excited to see me.

But you don't understand, Danny's across the...

I think I can fix that.

Why don't you get ready?

You've got work to do.

Elliot, what the hell is going on in...

Hi, Mrs. Conway.

Elliot...

Mrs. Conway?

How are you, Danny?

Well, I'm fine thank you.

Your mother was telling me about your lovely new house,

and I was just passing by in the neighborhood so...

Excuse me.

You stupid son of a bitch.

What could I do?

She barges in here and starts pulling her clothes off.

It's only my mother's best friend, that's all.

So I wanted to keep it in the family.

I must hurry.

This really is a lovely place you have, Danny.

Bye.

Your mother's best friend, huh?

Well, let me tell you about your mother's best friend.

She was paying my rent,

and I think I owe her for it.

Okay-

Right now, I'm paying your rent, so you owe me,

and you do what I say!

No broads!

You dirty bitch!

Look what you've done to my peonies!

You can take your lovely peonies!

And besides, you silly queen, they're not even peonies!

They're marigolds!

Good God, I think she's right.

They are marigolds.

I may not know my flowers,

but I know a bitch when I see one!

Oh.

Elliot, it's not funny.

Can't you get it through your thick skull

that we're being watched 24 hours a day.

How is that gonna look on the report they send in on us?

Ah, she wasn't even here long enough to wash her hands.

That's not the point.

The point is that we can't be seen with women.

If they find out we're faking it,

we're gonna be in Vietnam Monday morning.

Can't we be AC/DC?

Oh, you're hopeless.

No, baby, you are.

You're playing this thing way too heavy.

You've got to take it seriously!

Well, I still think something should be done about it.

I mean that whole thing he's moved into is...

Well, it's unhealthy.

Now, calm down honey.

I don't see any harm in Danny having a little fun

before he leaves for school.

After all, he and Elliot are two normal

red-blooded American boys.

Well, I gotta get down to the club.

Normal?

You call that Elliot Crane normal?

Daddy, I don't see how you can be so blind.

Well, you have to admit, my backhand has improved.

Yeah, but your serve's still lousy.

I didn't see you serving any aces.

I think your serve is simply super, sweetheart.

It's your forehand that leaves something to be desired.

Hey, Elliot, anyone ever tell you, you're sick?

Only my girlfriend baby, and he likes me this way.

Hey, Elliot, I dropped my soap.

Pick it up for me, will you?

Not on your life, lover!

It's not safe for us girls to bend down

in front of all you silly, virile, gorgeous, he men.

I want that boy fired, and I want him fired today.

Oh, come on Barney,

you don't really believe that kid's a faggot, do you?

Just because he's been kidding around

in the shower room.

If you'd seen his apartment,

and heard what my daughter told me,

you'd know he wasn't kidding.

That boy's as queer as a $3.00 bill.

Oh, Barney, for Christ's sake.

Ed, I'm reminding you, as chief officer of this club...

What's your problem?

I was canned today.

You're kidding me.

What for?

You tell me.

Foster called me into his office

and told me I was through.

He said something about

they're not really needing a lifeguard,

that somebody's daughter was gonna come in

and give the kids swimming lessons.

Said something about me being

a bad influence on the kids or something.

Considering what you've been doing to their mothers,

they might have a point there.

Yeah, and what's that supposed to mean?

Nothing, Elliot, nothing.

Look, I'll ask my old man

to find out what the story is, okay.

Yeah, well, whatever.

I've got $57.00 to my name and no prospects.

Don't sweat the money, that I can handle.

I hope the whole thing blows over soon anyway.

Look, I've got a date with Karen.

You gonna be around?

Well, if I am, it's not gonna be by myself.

I'll tell you that right now.

Now, wait a minute, Elliot.

We've got an agreement, and you stick to it.

I don't see it holding you back any, champ.

Elliot.

Okay, just be cool, huh.

Don't bring them back here.

Okay?

Hey, Louise.

Well, where is she?

What do you mean she's getting married?

Who'd marry her?

Yeah, the same to you, buddy!

Look, honey, you'll really like this place.

It's a new place,

and it's gonna be a good dinner.

Now, come on.

Danny, no, I don't want to have dinner.

I want to see where you and Elliot are living.

You gotta be hungry after a flight like that.

I'm not hungry.

Danny, are you sure there's not another girl?

Hey, what would I want with another girl

when I've got you, huh?

Look at me.

You're all the girl I need.

All right.

Just the same,

I want to see where you and Elliot are living.

Uh, now?

Yeah, now.

I'm sorry.

It's just that things aren't that way now.

Well, how are they?

It's just different, that's all.

Please, Phil, you can't end it just like this.

Well, you know we were meant for each other.

Not really, darling.

How can you be so indifferent?

I'm not being anything.

Hi.

Buy you a drink?

Yeah, why not.

Peter.

- It's not what I expected. - Everybody says that.

You know, just moving in,

we're gonna make a lot of changes, of course.

That's Elliot's.

Oh.

Where do you sleep?

I'm sleeping down on the couch,

and we're moving twin beds in.

I'm sorry.

For what?

For suspecting you.

I thought you and Elliot were living up here with some girl.

Oh, well, now you know you're wrong.

It's funny, I've never been this jealous before...

Honey, I don't want you to be jealous 'cause I'm all yours.

Okay, well, I tell you now,

it was really Elliot I was worried about.

I envisioned him bringing up all of his ding-a-ling girlfriends,

and the two of you having a...

You know.

Honey, my taste and Elliot's taste in women

is totally different.

He likes them dumb and sexy,

and I like them smart and sexy.

Oh, is that what I think it is?

Well, it looks like a fireplace to me.

Does it work?

No.

You mean genuine imitation.

We could fake it.

(Malcolm) Oh, Craig, it was humiliating...

Much better.

...he was saying, such a chump, such a chump!

What? Who was that?

Well, that's uh...

that's one of our neighbors.

What kind of a neighborhood is this?

Yeah.

Look, you know, I'm really kind of hungry.

Why don't we go?

There's a place a couple of blocks from here.

We can walk over and get something to eat, huh.

Boy, you sure changed your mood fast.

Well, you have to uh...

feed all your appetites.

Okay-

It's a shame, you know, losing your job and all like that,

for no reason at all.

I know what it's like.

They treat us like we were diseased or something.

Oh, hey Danny.

Hey listen, that's one of the gay bars

all the girls have been talking about.

Can we go in, please?

Honey, what do I want to do going into a place like that?

Oh come on, I'll protect you.

No, really, it'd be...

Please, one drink. Come on, please.

Look, a bunch of fruits hanging all over me.

I don't need it.

Honey.

You know, one time I had this great job,

secretary to this big industrialist.

Then there's this big government contract on the line.

What do I hear from him?

Sorry, Freddy, government clearances and all.

I was out the door.

And believe me, listen,

I never did any playing around on the job.

Well, I had this pal Johnny, when I was...

How about another drink?

There's one behind you, and he's wearing an earring.

Shh.

I wonder if they have a little girl's room in this place?

I seriously doubt it.

On second thought...

Danny, isn't that Elliot over there?

Yeah.

Wonder what he's doing here?

I don't understand, what can Bruce give you that I can't?

Dorothy, you've got to understand.

I can't.

Elliot, what are you doing here?

Danny.

Come on over and join us.

Who's that? Karen?

Listen you.

I saw him first.

Now wait a minute gorgeous, I've gotta...

Piss off!

Hey, Elliot.

What did you do that for?

Ah, the creep's been pawing me all night.

What happened?

Ah, some queen tried to get fresh with me.

But he just wasn't my type.

Come on, let's go some place and get a little drink.

I think you've had enough.

Who me?

Listen, booze or broads,

there's always room for one more, I always say.

Right, Elliot.

What?

Nothing, nothing.

Forget about it, Elliot.

Hey, Danny.

I thought we had an agreement.

Not here, Elliot.

Why not?

This is as good a place as any

to get this thing straightened out.

Do we have an agreement or don't we have an agreement?

Shut up!

Hey, hey, Danny, what's he talking about?

What does he mean?

I don't know, honey. He's just drunk, that's all.

I'm not that drunk, lover boy.

I remember you telling me, Elliot, baby,

we're gonna give up broads for the duration.

It's just gonna be you and I, in our little...

Elliot, I'm gonna put you right through the wall!

I wouldn't try it lover boy.

What the hell is he talking about, Danny?

I don't know.

Don't talk to him like that. I simply won't stand for it.

He's mine, all mine.

Okay, Elliot, he's yours, he's all yours!

Karen!

Karen, you don't understand!

Karen!

Karen!

Looks like we're stuck with each other, love.

Oh, I don't understand it.

He seemed like such a sweet young thing too.

Well, they just don't seem to make

those sweet young things like they used to.

Well, I just can't believe it.

You would have if you'd have been there.

The way they kept arguing about being faithful to each other.

I don't know. It was absolutely incredible.

Faithful? Elliot be faithful?

That guy couldn't be faithful if his life depended on it.

You know, there's something wrong with him.

I mean it's one thing to be in a constant state of heat,

but with him, it's like, I mean it's unnatural.

Look, I'm not worried about Elliot.

I don't care about Elliot.

It's Danny.

It's like he doesn't even want to be with a girl.

Karen, you don't think

there's anything wrong with Danny, do you.

Look it, I'm his sister,

and if there was anything odd about him, well,

don't you think I would have noticed it before now?

Ooh, I'm gonna be late.

I've got a doctor's appointment.

I'll talk to you later.

Wait. Wait.

Wait a second. Karen, it's not Danny's fault.

If anyone's got a problem,

it's Elliot, not Danny.

I'll talk to you later.

Now, where is she?

AH right, she went sailing.

Sailing, with who?

I don't know.

Some doctor friend or other.

A doctor?

Did she tell you where the boat was moored?

Somewhere at the marina, I think.

Well, thanks.

You 're welcome.

Look, you call me anytime you need help.

Hey, man, I'm splitting for the beach.

- Is that alright? - No.

I'm just trying to be considerate.

Really, some people.

Elliot, I don't want to hear you do that fag routine again,

do you understand?

Ah.

Look, Elliot, I...

Yoo-hoo, Elliot.

Elliot, Elliot, Elliot, Elliot.

You are coming tonight, aren't you?

To what?

To the party.

Craig and I are having a party,

and everyone's gonna be there, simply everyone.

It's our annual costume ball,

and you're supposed to come as your favorite camp character,

Tarzan, Superman, Judy Garland,

well, you know what I mean.

Of course, come as someone from a fairy tale.

You bet your sweet biceps.

But all of our friends are gonna be there, Elliot,

and we want you to meet them

because we know that you'll find them

absolutely fascinating.

Well, I'll tell Danny when I get back,

but I doubt he'll come.

He simply has nothing to wear.

Oh well, tell him not to worry.

I'll find him something.

You're a doctor, what do you think?

I think your friend has a problem.

Well, what do you think she should do about it?

Well, unless she's one of those sick types

that prefers that sort of relationship,

I'd say she should drop him fast.

But, he seemed so normal in the beginning.

Latent tendencies sometimes don't show themselves

until there's a crisis.

What did they accuse him of?

Oh, you're putting me on.

Well, did he actually try anything with the kids,

or did he...

You're kidding.

My dad?!

Well, that's funny.

He never said anything about it at dinner last night.

What does Elliot usually do on his day off?

What brings little sister out here into mans country?

Oh, well, I don't think I'm so little, do you?

Not when you put it that way.

Well, I hear you're pretty good.

I could have told you that.

At outdoor sports.

I'm good at everything.

Outdoors, and indoors.

Well, then, prove it.

I thought you didn't dig me.

Well, I can change my mind, can't I?

Hey, Elliot!

Hey, one of these nights, I might just give you a call.

What's the matter with right now?

Well, I'm right in the middle of a game.

Oh, are you looking for excuses?

Elliot, you're breaking up the game!

Well, I think you'd better make a decision.

Is it gonna be them, or is it gonna be me?

What's it gonna be?

God, I guess he don't wanna play with us anymore.

Hey, come on Joe, let's go.

Hey, come on.

Well, where did Danny go?

I don't know, he left this morning.

Well, do you think he'll be back?

Hey, maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

What's the matter, you got cold feet?

N0, R's...

Look, you're Danny's sister.

Oh, come on.

It's not incest or anything.

You guys are only roommates.

Look, when you make up your mind

whether you like girls or not,

I'll be upstairs.

Where have you been?

I've been on pins and needles waiting.

I had to be careful.

I think she's having me watched.

Well, this is the last place they'd think of looking for you.

I don't know what's wrong.

This never happened to me before.

Me either.

Maybe you just don't like girls.

What's that supposed to mean?

Don't you think I know what you are?

Uh...

I can't trust you for a second, can...

Lesley?

It's true what Karen said about you.

What did she say?

Nothing.

You two can kiss and make up for all I care.

Never let it be said that I was a home wrecker.

Nothing happened, Dan, nothing.

Yeah.

Lesley!

Lesley!

Hi.

Lesley!

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Have I got a girl for you.

Da-da!

Well, didn't Elliot tell you?

Danny, it's our annual costume ball, and it's tonight.

It's going to be absolutely mad.

I'm going to be heaven.

Here now take this, dear.

Now, I've got 5,413 things to d0,

and you're going to be stunning.

Bye.

Transylvania, here I come.

Get dressed, and I'll escort you to the party personally.

If that's the way you feel about it.

(Doorbell ringing)

Elliot! Hello.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Everybody's here.

So let me see.

What?

Your costume, let me see your costume.

How bold!

Hey, everybody!

This is Elliot, our next-door neighbor.

Hi, Elliot.

How do?

How are you?

Wanna dance?

Oh!

So thrilled you could come.

Well, let's have a look.

Fabulous, fabulous!

Simply fabulous.

Well, you said to be imaginative.

I certainly did.

Indeed.

Where's Danny?

Oh, he's back in the bedroom sulking.

I don't know what's eating him.

Well, let's go drag him out.

Oh, I don't know.

I think we should leave him alone for a while.

You know, he's simply impossible when he gets this way.

I know just what you mean.

Malcolm gets the same way when she's upset.

Come, let's have a drink.

Where did you find him?

Him is our next-door neighbor Elliot,

and he's married.

Don't stain the carpet, Pagliacci.

Go take your heart pill.

Come, Elliot.

Elliot.

He is a brute, isn't he?

Yeah, but he's not gonna get away from me tonight.

I got a big investment in him.

Honey, you don't stand a chance.

You're hardly his type.

Oh, and this is Myra Brokenbridge.

Oh, charming.

Cool it.

And over here, this is Cleopatra.

Hi.

And this is heaven.

Hi, Elliot.

And this is Judy Streisand.

Yeah, she went over the rainbow,

and somebody broke her nose.

You Egyptian asp.

Excuse me.

Calm down.

What's a girl like you, doing in a place like this?

Lord only knows.

These parties of Malcolm's are just impossible.

Let me freshen up your drink.

Love it.

Hi, honey, remember me from The Lush Life?

Flake off.

Sure didn't take you long, did it honey?

Plus, you didn't have to be rude.

He's some fag I met at a party last night.

Let's get away from these queens.

This is a nice place to relax in.

God, it's so stuffy in there.

I don't know why Malcolm insists

on throwing those parties at his place

when Dick's is so much more suitable.

Oh, Dickey's is divine.

Oh, it's in there sweetie.

Well, I must say,

his costume is rather inappropriate for the theme.

Oh, I don't know.

I'd love to be a stewardess

and entertain all those handsome executives.

They'd never take you honey, not with your legs.

Oh, up yours.

Coffee, tea or me.

Danny?

You're messing up my hair.

Oh, it's nice and soft.

You're nothing but...

Well, what'd you expect, Ann-Margret?

What's the matter, boy?

Don't you like drag queens?

(Laughing)

It's not that unusual.

I talked to a doctor.

He said that he'd...

We've gotta be away from each other for a while,

so you can think about things.

No, I don't time need to think things over.

I love you, and I want to marry you.

Don't you understand that?

I asked the airline for a transfer.

I'm leaving for Miami.

No' no' no' no' You...

You were gonna transfer to San Francisco.

Well, like I said, I...

I talked to the doctor,

and he said that he thought you needed time to be alone,

without the pressures of trying to make a difficult decision.

You needed time to re-evaluate things,

what you want to do with your life.

Honey, I know exactly what I want to do with my life.

I want to be a lawyer,

and I want to marry you,

and I want to have children.

Don't you realize that this whole thing

is nothing but a hoax

that Elliot and I dreamed up to avoid the draft.

That we are perfectly normal.

Honey, we're perfectly...

I'll show you that we're perfectly...

Danny, Danny, please, there's nothing to prove.

Hey, I understand.

Elliot tells me you're sulking.

Now, let's have none of that.

Oh, hello.

Craig, not now, huh? Please?

Of course, I understand.

Everybody seems to understand.

Pleased to have met you.

Look, honey.

I've got a flight leaving in an hour.

Can...

Can I at least have some place to write to you?

No.

I don't think that would be too good an idea.

Hello.

Danny, you naughty boy.

Look...

Well, you're not even dressed,

and after all the trouble I went through

to get you the outfit.

Danny, come over if you want to, to the party.

Excuse me.

I'll never know what he saw in you.

Eat your heart out, honey.

Grow some hair on your chest, and I might give you a call one night.

Yeah, I'll have that in writing.

I love your beads.

I can't take my eyes off of you for one minute, can I?

Well, what's a girl to do? Lock herself in a closet.

You were supposed to be here hours ago!

Let go of my arm, Vince, you're hurting me!

Are you gonna let him talk to me like that?

You can do better than her, Vince.

I know a real girl that...

You bastard!

You're a fine one to talk!

You wouldn't even know how to satisfy a girl!

Why don't you take your dress off and fight like a man!

If she takes her dress off for anybody,

it's going to be me.

Watch who you're grabbing, mac!

Take your greasy hands off him, Miss Thing!

You butt out, bitch!

It is none of your business!

You come with me, handsome,

and let these girls work it out for themselves.

Listen sweetie, I told you last night!

Am I gonna get beat up again?

Now, are you ready to go home?

Sorry for the tiff, dear.

Oh, that's quite all right.

Goodnight.

I detest cheap notoriety.

Well, so do I,

but wasn't that punch divine?

Dad, I couldn't tell you.

I couldn't tell anybody.

I was afraid that if they started sending investigators around,

started questioning people,

somebody was gonna slip up

and tell them that we were normal.

I'm sorry you didn't come to me sooner, Dan.

I'm sure a competent psychiatrist

might have been able to help you with your problem.

Dad, didn't you hear me?

Didn't you listen to what I said?

The whole thing was a hoax from the beginning to the end!

Elliot and I are perfectly normal!

Oh, come off it, Dan.

What do you take me for?

Don't you think I know about Elliot?

Why else do you think I had him fired from the club?

We can't have perverts like him

coming into contact with our children.

Those Army doctors are no fools, Dan.

It's their job to spot fellows like you with problems.

I don't know.

I thought that you were glad that I got deferred.

Not that way.

Do you realize that this'll be on your record

for the rest of your life,

that you'll never be able to hold any kind of a job

requiring a security clearance?

Did you ever ask any of your fairy friends

what it's like to have a stigma like that attached to them?

Did you, huh?

Dad, I'm trying to tell you something!

Don't tell me, tell your Draft Board!

I'm sorry, Devlin,

but there's nothing I can do about it.

It's out of my hands.

Don't you see that I'm admitting to you

that the whole thing was a fake,

that we just thought it up just to make you think...

You don't seem to hear what I'm telling you, Devlin.

Now, regardless of your intentions,

you've been found unsuitable for military service.

Now, in plain words, boy,

Uncle Sam doesn't want you.

Hey, Danny.

He wouldn't buy it, huh?

Yeah, it figures, after the party last night.

I wasn't even there.

But I was.

And it figures, you told me to be convincing,

and I guess ljust assumed...

Well, it's like you said,

"it's better than getting your butt shot off in Vietnam".

It just didn't turn out like I planned.

Well, where to now? Back to your folks?

That's the last place in the world I want to go.

No, I'll go up north and try and find some place to live

until school starts, I guess.

What about you?

I think I'll head down to Florida.

I hear that beach boys do all right with the horny old broads.

Will I see you before you go?

No, I'm gonna take off this afternoon.

Well, hang loose old buddy.

This thing will all blow over.

I doubt it.

Those idiots, thinking that they could fool us.

You really had them figured, didn't you George?

Well, that's my job, Joe,

to weed out all the undesirables.

We don't want their kind in the Army, do we, Joe?