Original subtitles

Hello. I'm Princess Georgiana.

Queen of Australia!

Unbelievable. You vomit on one little girl...

CLAMOURING

I-I-I-I HA-A-A-A-ATE AUSTRALIA!

You're going to be amazing.

Am I?! Team Queen!

I'm going to have you killed.

There's a new queen waiting to burst out, apparently.

And she's not going to put another foot wrong.

IMITATES AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: I'm the Prime Minister! And I'm just perfect!

Even in this... 10,000-miles-from-home

dust bowl of an inferno.

Your Majesty.

MEN SCREAM

Oh, this poxy country! What now?

My apologies.

I didn't realise you were entertaining again.

Can you believe this?

No, no. I thought you'd have gone by now.

I thought, as a surprise, I'd wake up with you this time.

Well, as you can see, I don't like surprises. Mm.

Last night was amazing.

Mm. From what I remember, you ticked all the boxes.

Well, if you'd like your box ticked again...

Don't - I can't bear innuendo.

You should probably get going before anyone else sees you. Yep.

And I need to get ready to visit a...

..refugee resettlement centre.

Can't wait for you to meet my parents.

Why, are they resettled refugees?

No, but seeing as this is a thing now, I know...

No, this isn't a thing.

Far from a thing.

But you said you wanted to do this every day.

I said the same thing about the Peloton.

Look. Josh.

Who's Josh?

Not Josh. That's not your name. Jack.

Neither is that. I know, because your name is Joe.

It's not. Not finished. Joe-l.

How can you seriously not know my name? I do know your name.

It's one of those cool surfer names like...

..Zach. It's Zach. It's not Zach.

Chad? No. Bon.

You know, I honestly thought we had a connection.

We do. We do.

Which is why...

..I'm going to give you this.

An ashtray?

Not just any ashtray.

This is a royal heirloom of an ashtray.

Mm. Yeah. I mean, it may just be any ashtray - but, either way,

consider this a heartfelt thank you from me to you.

By the way, it's Augustus.

Augustus!

Huh! Really?!

That's not remotely cool.

Anyhoo, catch you later, mate.

I think that went well.

Yes, as tours of refugee resettlement centres go,

that's in my top three. And who doesn't love a date?

Bleurgh! That's like chewing syrup.

Ma'am, I have got something that you are really, really, really...

Shut up and say it. Right.

The Reserve Bank have confirmed the unveiling ceremony for your new $5 note.

Some positive momentum, finally! Where is it?

I want to see it. Is it good?

Er, well, we haven't seen it yet, but they're sending one over.

You know, it might really upset my mother, having her $5 note replaced with mine.

Fingers crossed!

Some people say that we're giving the Queen a hard time, but I think

this is all in the public interest.

Aussies can't relate to some squealing bird who was given things

from Mummy and Daddy on a platter.

What are we going to do about this prick?

Richard bloody Steele and his news empire - he's killing me!

Maybe, Ma'am, you should not concern yourself with what's out there and just let me handle it.

Mm! Cos you're doing a bang-up job so far, Zoe.

Yesterday it was mutton dressed as ma'am.

The day before that, they were savaging me for being the world's only unmarried queen.

Why on earth does he care?

He doesn't, but it makes for great headlines,

and the public aren't used to their sovereign being so...um...

So what? Busty.

I know she's the Queen, but get off the grass!

Spending $25,000 on British chocolate - who does that?

Oh, piss off - you've tasted that waxy shit they sell over here.

I just don't think the average Australian can get their head around that kind of extravagance.

I mean, sure, I've made a buck or two along the way...

Or 30 billion!

..but at heart I'm just a regular bloke from Brissie.

Invite him to dinner.

Here. What for?!

Look at him! He promotes himself as a man of the people.

He'll never accept. Everyone accepts.

He's also dangerous. He's a shark.

Well, that's lucky because I'm a shark charmer.

That's not a thing, is it? Snake charmer.

It doesn't matter, though, because I'm very charming.

Still very much not a good idea.

That's exactly what they said about going for cocktails with the King of Djibouti.

There is no King of Djibouti.

There was that night.

Your Majesty.

How was the visit? They gave us dates.

Ah, dates. They call them nature's caramel, you know.

Don't be a bore, Bernard. Quite.

Rumours abound of you... fornicating with the staff.

With respect, Ma'am, this will not do.

Fornicating? Who are you? Moses?!

You've been the focus of enough salacious headlines

in the past to realise what could happen if word got out

about a dalliance between the Queen and her help.

I didn't take you for a snob, but it suits you.

I don't make the rules, Ma'am.

Rules are made to be broken.

I'm sorry you had to hear that, Augustus.

It was rude and insensitive.

No worries. Just glad you remembered my name this time.

I'm a quick study.

I get off work at nine if you...

Why don't you just clock off now?

Yeah, I guess I could do that. Because you're fired.

What?! That's right.

And I obviously have self-control issues that I should probably be working on, but - ha, me!

It's just easier this way.

You know?

For me.

WHISPERS: We have to let him go.

NORMAL: Suppose Weiwei dobbed me in.

Well, for the record, it wasn't me.

Well, how could it have been?

I saw him coming out of your room.

Good Lord. Did you really? How tawdry!

And there's me hoping you'd find me the last word in elegant mystery.

I think that ship sailed - all the way to Djibouti.

With respect, Ma'am.

You come off a little judgy for a bodyguard.

Don't tell me you've never thrown caution to the wind

one balmy evening with a foreign dignitary.

If you're referring to my dalliance with the Venezuelan general,

it was one night during a coup

and we both regretted it in the morning.

Oh...my...God.

Maybe it's a prank. Yeah!

Yeah, I'm sure it's just the Reserve Bank having their usual muck about.

Classic! How could they use the wrong portrait on the note?

I mean, I know I definitely gave them...

..the wrong one.

Oh, my God. I'm screwed.

CLICK, SOFT BUZZER

DOOR OPENS

The Prime Minister, Ma'am.

Your Majesty.

Call me Georgie.

Shall I call you Becky?

I...don't think either suggestion is appropriate, Ma'am.

Off to a fun start.

I don't think these meetings are supposed to be fun.

Not that I'd know, since we haven't had one yet.

Yeah, sorry about that. I've been busy trying to get out of them.

Right. Shall we get down to business?

Take it away.

There's an upcoming vote in Parliament to fund

new childhood cancer research.

All right, keep it light.

It's set to pass unanimously.

Both sides of the House are in agreement.

It's a rare occurrence.

That seems to have caught your attention, Ma'am.

Hm?

Oh, no.

No, not at all. I was just wondering if I could still get away with wearing leather trousers.

Excuse me? I mean, is there a cut-off age?

Forgive me, but we're here to discuss affairs of state, Ma'am.

Forgive me. Do carry on.

Starting in the second quarter of next year,

the single-parent allowance is set to increase by 4.6%, bringing us in line with...

Oh. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I just... I just can't with this.

It is singularly dull. I'm sorry you find the idea of lifting single family homes out of poverty boring.

It does reflect quite badly on me, doesn't it?

Let's just keep that between us gals.

You do know I'm a Republican?

What are you going to do?

Granted, neither of us want to be here,

but, as it is our constitutional duty, let us move on to infrastructure.

Can we just pop a pin in it until next week?

My new banknote's arrived. Exciting!

I'm desperate to see it - I may pee a little.

CLICK, SOFT BUZZER

DOOR OPENS

Prime Minister is leaving.

OK...

To your earlier query, Ma'am -

if you have to ask if there's a cut-off age for leather trousers,

you've already passed it.

Noted.

I wonder if people will start referring to them by my name.

ATTEMPTS AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Crikey, I already gave you a couple of Georgies

to buy some more tinnies, you cheap drongo! NORMAL: What do you think?

Aussies don't speak or walk like that, Ma'am.

ATTEMPTS AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Not yet.

OK!

I'm ready to see mon visage.

This is a prank.

The Reserve Bank strikes again.

It's not a prank, Ma'am.

It must be - because, of the two portraits commissioned,

that definitely is not the one I chose.

I accidentally approved the wrong one.

You accidentally did what now?

To be honest, though, Ma'am, I really don't think there's that much of a difference between them.

Really, Zoe? You don't see the difference between this...

..and this?

Hm?

Because this looks like me on a good day 15 years ago.

This looks like I've just escaped

from the fucking asylum!

Ginger eyebrows?!

Oh, well, they'll just have to destroy all those and print the correct ones.

The thing is... The notes have already been printed and distributed to banks around the country.

So unprint and undistribute them.

I get that you're less than pleased, Ma'am, but millions of dollars

have already been spent on producing these notes.

I'm unclear of your point.

Well, my point is, wouldn't it be wasteful to spend all that money

on changing them when you could spend it on more pressing national concerns?

You wouldn't be saying that if it was your gormless,

haggard old medieval face on every $5 note!

Who cares how much it costs?!

Just change it!

Is it just me thinking we should prank them back?

SHE LAUGHS

I didn't think he'd accept. Of course he accepted.

Richard Steele is just like everyone else when they get a royal invite -

squeal with excitement, tell everyone they know, and buy new shoes.

This is a bad idea.

It shouldn't take much to win him over. He is, after all...

ATTEMPTS AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: .."just a regular bloke from Brissie."

Then we can watch the good publicity roll in.

He controls the largest media conglomerate in Australia.

He's not the editor in chief of the Goondiwindi Post.

The Goody-whatty-what?

Hunting! Excuse me? Tell him you like hunting. But I don't.

It is a barbaric practice favoured only by the stupid and the sadistic.

No wonder my family enjoy it so much.

Well, you could just say that you do - to impress him...

..because he's a hunter. He loves hunting. He hunts.

My God, I find you irritating.

Your Majesty. May I present Mr Richard Steele?

Mr Steele. How lovely of you to join us.

Are those new shoes?

HE CHUCKLES We're bloody killing it these days.

And you want to know why I'm such a massive success?

Because I give people what they want from their news, not what they need.

And, er...if I may speak freely, Ma'am? Do, do.

I simply cannot get enough of the absolute balls up that you're making of things.

Ha-ha! Perhaps that's a little too free.

Revenues are through the roof.

Oh, and this new story about how you want to reprint the $5 note

because you don't like your picture?

You are the gift that keeps on giving, Ma'am.

Well, I don't know where you've got that idea from,

but it must be fun to speculate.

Would you excuse me just one moment?

Well, this is a nightmare. The man won't budge.

I've tried humility, flattery, sorcery.

Did you mention the hunting? I'm not saying I hunt, you fucking dullard!

How about a little bribery?

Don't we have a knighthood or something I can slap him round the face with?

Er, there's Order of Australia. Excellent! Go get one.

It's not really... Just GO!

DOOR OPENS

I do apologise.

SHE CHUCKLES

Now, where were we?

Oh! Yes.

I was just telling you how much I love this country.

Well, that makes two of us.

I do. I love it.

I was just thinking how wonderful it would be if it were to love me back.

Right! How do you see that happening?

Oh... I don't know.

I suppose one way would be...

..I honour you with the Order of Australia,

then your media outlets could stop treating me

like I'm some paedo terrorist.

Are you suggesting a quid pro quo?

Who could ever say?

Well, that'd be you, Ma'am.

Because it sounds like you just tried to bribe me.

No!

Ha! No, no - no, no, no, no, no!

No medals, no bribery, no quid pro quo.

I don't even speak Latin. Dead language. Who's got time for that? Not me.

I'm too busy hunting!

STEELE CHUCKLES

Hunting and killing.

That's one of mine.

It's a salmon.

Ah. Fish hunting - I do that, too.

You mean fishing? Not the way I do it.

You ever hunt a kangaroo?

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Better not when I'm around because I'll have shot it dead

before it can wipe its arse.

HE LAUGHS

THEY BOTH LAUGH

Well, well, well, I might have had you pegged all wrong.

I was thinking you were just a stuck-up incompetent waste of space.

And I took you for an avaricious, insufferable old bore!

THEY LAUGH

How wrong we both were! Wrong.

Yeah, well, maybe we can find a way of working to our mutual benefit.

Are you suggesting...

..a quid pro quo?

Who could ever say?

I'm taking my mother roo hunting this weekend. You should join us.

What do you reckon we roll our sleeves up and get our hands...

"Nice and bloody"?!

That's how our hands will be after we've been hunting -

"nice and bloody".

That's disgusting. Yes. It is.

As you will soon discover, because you're coming with me.

No, I can't go hunting. No - I'm vegan.

Well, I suggest you load up on hemp balls, Pollyanna,

because you're going to need your energy.

Another day, another dip in the polls for Queen Georgiana.

She wants to recall the $5 note

because she doesn't like the picture.

I mean, what an egomaniac.

This is going to cost our bank millions of dollars

so she can look prettier on our $5 note.

No!

Oh, yuck.

Oh, my - is that a man?

It doesn't look good to me. It doesn't look good at all.

HE LAUGHS

The entitlement of this - I'm just furious.

She is treating our currency

like her private Instagram.

"I don't like my picture. I want a new filter."

Was that the first time she saw the photo, or did she saw...

Did she see the photo... She would have had to see the photo. Exactly.

So it's just a waste of money.

You need to let go of this idea of changing the note.

Absolutely not!

Public opinion is trending against it!

You can't trust the public - they don't know anything!

With the greatest respect, Ma'am,

where YOU'RE concerned, public opinion is everything.

They are our litmus test and our scoreboard all in one.

I grew up in the public eye.

A little fat ginger princess.

The lesser of the two royals.

And while my golden child of a brother could do no wrong,

I was vilified for wearing glasses and eating crisps.

The only words of encouragement I got from my largely absent parents

were, "Well, darling, no-one likes a four-eyed tubster!"

So, with the greatest respect, Zoe...

..while public opinion may be everything,

the public can be ignorant and shallow and cruel.

And if they think I'm going to allow my ascendancy to this throne

be commemorated with a pocket-sized opportunity to mock me

every time they pay for their macchiato,

they're very much mistaken.

Now...

..set up a meeting at the Reserve Bank

at which I will tell them they must reprint all the notes.

And if they question this catastrophically vain

and reckless course of action,

I will kindly remind them

THAT I'M THE FUCKING QUEEN!

I mean...

..she did love her crisps.

Your Majesty. Don't get up, Mr Walsh. This won't take long.

I believe you know why I'm here.

Indeed I do, Ma'am.

So allow me to get to the heart of the matter.

Setting aside your obvious upset at the unfortunate mix-up,

it is my duty to remind you that your role as queen -

while clearly a benefit to Australia -

is purely ceremonial

in terms of your relationship with the Reserve Bank,

making your views immaterial.

Any further interference regarding the banknotes

could be considered a violation of federal laws

and leave you open to prosecution.

Oh, well, if you can't do it, you can't do it.

Bye!

It was worth a try!

Who fancies a froyo?

MUSIC: Big Rock Candy Mountain by Harry McClintock

One evening, as the sun went down

And the jungle fire was burning

Down the track came a hobo hiking

And he said, boys, I'm not turning

I'm headed for a land that's far away

Beside the crystal fountains

So come with me We'll go and see

The Big Rock Candy Mountains...

You all right there, Grizzly Adams?

This feels so wrong.

I worked for the Humane Society in Oatley when I left uni.

If they could see me now...

We are in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere.

I think your secret's safe here.

Ma'am, I apologise in advance if my anxiety gets the better of me today

and I don't use proper protocol.

Your lack of ceremony will be the least of our problems today.

VEHICLE APPROACHES

Your Majesty, I'd like you to meet my mother, June.

Well, this is lovely. Pleasure to meet you.

You're holding it upside down, son.

We've got a lovely day for it.

You like to hunt, June?

Oh, she likes to do more than just hunt, don't you, Mum?

Yeah - like to skin 'em, too.

Nothing better than being elbow-deep in the entrails of a wild beast

and walking away with a new rug.

All right, should we get going?

Go on!

Good boy. Ha-ha!

Is there anything more peaceful than...

..being out here just at one with nature?

LOUD GUNSHOT

Got the bastard! Go get him, Oscar - go get him!

OSCAR BARKS

You certainly are at home with a gun in your hands.

Ooh, you should see her with a bow and arrow. Oh!

Stick an apple on his head and I'll split it at 30 yards.

Oh! Maybe later, but that's definitely happening.

So, Richard, I was just very keen to pick up on our last discussion...

LOUD GUNSHOT

Got it! Go get him, Oscar!

Oh, great, now I'm deaf.

BARKING

I'm just saying, it makes sense, doesn't it?

The Queen and the media mogul working together for their mutual benefit.

Too easy! Sh!

Here he is. What is it?

It's a kangaroo, you idiot.

It's beautiful.

This is the big buck I've been trying to get for the last year.

He is really sneaky... WHISPERS: ..so keep quiet.

LOUDLY: Absolutely - we wouldn't want it to hop away before we blast its head off.

BIRDS CALL

HE COUGHS LOUDLY

Oh...

Oh, for fuck's sake!

My bad. Right, that's it. We're splitting up.

Better get your rifles out of your arses

because no-one's going home until we bag that roo!

I'm in actual hell.

Oh, no, it's all right, I've got it.

Ah!

We're not really going to shoot anything, are we?

No, of course we're not going to shoot anything!

God, I'm starving. Well, you're in luck.

Pretty sure roo burgers will be on the menu later.

You realise your anxiety's gone to the next level?

Sorry. It's all right. Please don't spoil it by apologising.

How are we going to get out of this?

Well, we could just fire off a shot and say the roo ran away.

Oh, that's a very good idea, Ma'am.

Where? Anywhere.

LOUD GUNSHOT

PAINED ANIMAL CALL

You shot the roo.

It was an accident. You killed the roo.

You told me to fire off a shot. Yes, but not at the bloody roo!

I wasn't trying to shoot the roo!

There's only one thing out here

we didn't want to shoot and you shot it!

It was your idea!

You are an awful, awful man!

ROO WHIMPERS

Oh, my God. It's not dead!

HE GASPS

Look what you've done! You've not killed it!

You just said you didn't want me to kill it!

I didn't want you to shoot it but, if you were going to shoot it, you should have shot it and killed it,

not shot it and not killed it! Oh, my head is exploding!

It is writhing in agony!

What are we going to do?

Shoot it and kill it, not shoot it and not kill it again!

Why do I have to do it? I already shot it once.

Exactly.

HE GRUNTS SHAKILY

ROO WHIMPERS

I can't do it. Oh-ho! My God, look at the eyes!

Look, he's looking at me.

Oh, I feel sick.

God, you are absolutely the most useless thing on this planet!

Give it to me.

Give! It! To! Me!

Oh, my God, I see what you mean about the eyes!

I can't do it!

Maybe we could save him! What?! How?!

Well, he's not looking too bad - we could get him to a vet.

We can get him to a kangaroo vet.

Yes! Yes, there must be one around here.

We will get him to a kangaroo vet and we will save him.

You hear that, boy? We're going to get you some help.

Everything's going to be OK.

Holy shit!

LOUD GUNSHOT

Oh!

That's it, you beauties, one last shot.

Now, I'm not going to lie to you guys.

You had me really worried at first.

But I tell you, dropping a roo from that distance,

and then going in close range, looking him right in the eyes

and blowing his brains out!

You kidding me?

I assure you, I couldn't make it up.

Your Majesty...

HE EXHALES

..you are a stone-cold savage.

I'm all in.

Who's ready for some roo burgers?

HE GAGS

Oh.

CLAMOURING

The note is officially in circulation, Ma'am.

And may I commend you on your very convincing speech,

which can't have been easy for you, given how, shall we say,

viscerally you feel about it?

Mm. Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.

Know when to walk away? Quite.

And, lucky for me, I never carry cash,

so I'll never have to look at that rancid image again. Hm!

Thank you, Peter.

And, er, well done on the Kenny Rogers catch!

HE CHUCKLES

Can we leave, please?

The whole place smells of mini quiche.

Who's going to tell her that's her official portrait?

God, not me. I'd rather shoot another kangaroo.

TV CHANNELS CHANGING

..the ongoing... No, thank you. ..the housing crisis...

No. Boring.

..couldn't expect it to be... Commitment ceremony? Yes, please.

So...I'm staying.

That's... That's easy.

Yeah! Whoo!

Coming up after the break, our couples...

We had a few nights together and the banter was great and...

Oh, no. ..I honestly thought we had a thing.

But she lured me in,

she spat me out.

And to shut me up, she gave me this.

Oh, no!

Which may or may not be

a royal heirloom.

Stunning revelations there.

And coming up, leaked photos

of Queen Georgiana

that have animal rights activists

up in arms.

FU-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-UCK!

Oh, no

Whose big idea was this, huh?

Oh, no

We had a good thing

Now it looks like we're stuck with it

Oh, no

The vandal, too hot to handle

The vandal, too hot to handle Oh, no

The vandal, too hot to handle

The vandal, too hot to handle Oh, no

The vandal, too hot to handle

The vandal, too hot to handle...

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