All language subtitles for Never.Have_.I.Ever_.S04E03.720p.WEB_.h264-EDITH

♪ This is my design... ♪

Detention?

Why am I in detention?

For being bad.

♪ Stop me, going around... ♪

Wha...?

♪ ...in circles ♪

♪ Going in, baby, no need to be careful ♪

My textbooks.

Bad girls don't need books.

♪ Whisper in my ear... ♪

Okay, yeah, maybe I do like being bad.

Yeah, you do.

♪ All the time ♪

♪ And everywhere I go... ♪

And the baddest part about you
is that you're betraying your friend.

- Huh?
- Yeah.

It's so hot how you're
stabbing her in the back.

Her feelings are gonna be so hurt.

Wow. Started kind of hot,

but then turned into a scolding.

Not a great sex dream, Devi.

♪ Driving me crazy ♪

♪ My heart rates won't save me the truth ♪

Devi, come on.
I cannot be late this morning... Ahh!

Okay.

Looks like the termite stair
finally gave way.

I guess
I should call someone about that.

No need, Nalu.
I have someone coming this morning.

What? Who?

Len recommended
a fantastic contractor to me,

and he knows his stuff.

Len has got Yelp platinum status.

You have to leave
over 50,000 reviews to get that.

Uh-huh.

Ah! That must be him.

- It's you.
- Come in, come in.

You know each other?

Yeah, we met
at the principal's office last week

under some very unfortunate circumstances.

Well, circumstances
that your daughter invented.

You know what?
I don't think this is gonna work out.

I'm sorry that my mother-in-law
wasted your time...

Come on, Nalini, he's already here,

and who knows how long it will take
to find someone else.

That's okay, we can wait.

Mom, I can't find my math book...

What the hell?

Fine. When can you start?

The rotten stairs
at Devi's house had shaken her,

but not as much
as that hot Ethan dream from last night.

She hadn't been able to get him
out of her head ever since...

I was like...

"Damn. Devi's kind of sexy."

But even though Ethan's
tattooed torso was a welcome distraction

from an absolute shit-bomb
of a senior year,

she was determined
to remain a good friend to Eleanor.

I can't wait to crack him open
like a creaky cellar door

and explore the hidden treasures within.

All she had to do
was avoid Ethan at all...

...crotch.

Oh my God, I am so sorry.
I didn't mean to hit you in the...

My dick?

Sure you didn't.

I guess we're gonna dream
about that now.

Paxton?

So I did see you. I wasn't sure.

My subconscious
has been hornier than usual.

- What?
- Never mind.

- What're you doing here?
- I'm actually working here now.

It's my first day
as the assistant swim coach.

Ah.

Right, yeah. I'm just starting
my internship with the crossing guard.

- But for real, what are you doing here?
- I'm the assistant swim coach.

Wait, really? But what about ASU?

Oh yeah, uh, didn't work out.
Just wasn't the right place for me.

Yeah, but, like, how would you know?

You were there for, like, what, two weeks?

- Come on, what'd your parents say?
- College isn't for everyone, Devi.

You know that, right?

I mean,
it's actually kind of elitist of you...

Oh no, no, no, I didn't mean it like that.

It's just... I don't know.
I thought you could've given it more time

before you, you know, gave up.

Well, thank you for your concern,
but I'm an adult.

I know what I'm doing.

Hey.

Were you just talking to Paxton?
What's he doing here?

- I guess he's working here.
- Huh?

- So, what's up with you guys?
- You're gonna love this.

We're watching to see
if Ethan takes off his hoodie,

'cause, you know, it's gonna cling
and pull up his T-shirt.

I'm actually just eating this apple.

Cool. I don't really need
to see Ethan shirtless, so...

Wait, Devi, are you feeling okay?

I've seen you leap a picnic table

to see a bus with
the Thunder From Down Under ad on it.

- Ooh, it's happening.
- Uh...

♪ And everywhere I go ♪

♪ I just can't get enough of you ♪

Wait, I don't get it.

Did we all forget that he vandalized
Devi's sport utility vehicle?

He didn't know it was Devi's.
He thought it was a teacher's.

Oh, you mean the underpaid heroes

we get the privilege
of learning from every day?

Fab, I am on the rebound.

So if I wanna fantasize about being
a degenerate's girlfriend, let me have it.

It occurred to Devi

that maybe this was the answer
to her current problem.

If Eleanor was Ethan's girlfriend,
he'd be officially off-limits,

and Devi's dreams could go back
to just your normal teeth falling out,

naked at school stuff.

- So you should just ask him out.
- Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- Ah.

Maybe I'll invite him
to my medieval jestering class tonight.

Sure. Or there's, like, restaurants
and stuff like that.

But just go over there and...

talk to him.

Yeah, okay. I... I could go...

- Oh shit, he's coming towards us. Yeah.
- What?

Yo, 'sup?

We're having a party
at my place tonight or whatever.

- Y'all should pull up.
- Cool.

Yeah. Yeah, that's great news
because Eleanor here loves to party.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

I'm like a one-woman disco inferno.

I don't know what that means,
but all right, I'll see y'all tonight.

Dude, corner office. Nice.

Oh. Although, it does smell like nards
because of the locker room next door.

- Yeah. You get used to it.
- Uh-oh.

Picking up on a titch of melancholy.

- What's wrong, my number one rock star?
- Nothing.

Do you think
I made a mistake leaving college so soon?

Are you freaking joking? No way.

Look at you. You're getting paid
to basically hang out with me.

- What could be better?
- I know, right?

And college sucked, man.

Everyone at ASU was a freaking douche,

and now that I'm here,
it'll be just like old times,

except without any homework.

- Well, that's the dream, baby.
- Exactly.

Sorry, it's just Devi kind of gave me
a hard time about it,

and now I'm, like, in my head.

Don't listen to Devi.
She, like, almost killed an old grandma.

And she hangs out with people
who break nice boys' hearts.

- How you doing with that, man?
- Oh, I'm cool.

Yeah, I definitely don't look up
at the sky every night,

wondering if Eleanor's looking
at the same moon that I am.

Or a different moon.

Ah, I'm... I'm sorry, buddy.

I'm just glad that I have
mi mejor amigo back.

And I heard about a huge party tonight.

Let's roll in together and show them
that the king is back.

Hell yeah, man.

- Mm!
- Mmm!

But you gotta drive
because my bicycle exploded.

How does that keep happening?

Good morning, Benjamin.

You're still giving me
the silent treatment, then?

At the insistence
of his girlfriend, Margot,

Ben hadn't spoken to Devi all week,

which was really weird

because even when they'd been
mortal enemies, they'd still talk.

Hi, everyone. I'm Miss Thompson,

and I'll be taking over AP Lit
for a little while,

just until Dr. Keyes recovers
from her hip and spine surgeries.

Apparently, her bones
shattered like glass on impact.

Anyways, sounds like
you've been reading The Crucible.

It's one of my faves.

Did you know that although this play
takes place in the 1600s,

it was written as an allegory
about McCarthyism?

So I'd like for you guys to pair up
and discuss its relevancy today.

Um, how about you two pair up?

- Well, I guess you have to talk to me now.
- Fine.

So, Devi, why don't you tell me
how you can relate to a story

about falsely accusing someone
and almost ruining their life?

Oh my God, I said I'm sorry.
It was an honest mistake.

And in my defense, it really seemed
like she messed up my car.

That doesn't matter.

Ben, can't we just put this in the past?

Margot didn't get in trouble,
and my car is fixed. Let's just move on.

I'm sorry.
This is just how it has to be for now.

She doesn't have to be this threatened.
She does know our sex was bad, right?

Jesus.

- Excuse me, Miss Thompson?
- Yeah?

Can we get into bigger groups?

I... I am just dying
to engage with more of my peers.

Oh, I love that. Yes, let's all
pull our desks into a fun circle.

Oh, Nalu!

Let's go to a long, long movie,
or I'm dying to see the Mexican Riviera.

No need to pack.
We'll shop when we get there.

What are you talking about?

Oh...

My God.

Okay.

So you're probably wondering
where the stairs are.

Funny story. The stranger I hired
put them in the trash.

Andres?

So, it turns out that one step
was the least of your problems.

There was a much larger
termite infestation at some point.

The whole staircase was about to go.

I'm gonna stop you right there, Mr. Ramos.

I'm not an idiot. I know when someone
is trying to upsell me.

I'm really not trying to upsell you.

This was necessary
for your family's safety.

Oh, see, I'd be worried
about your own safety if I were you.

Okay. Before you send
your husband after me...

Oh no, no. See, there is no husband.

I'm perfectly capable
of slapping someone on my own.

Listen...

I'm happy to put your stairs back up
if you like to keep falling through them.

Otherwise, my crew will be here
first thing in the morning

with wood that isn't 90% bug skeletons.
Sound good?

♪ You like designer, baby ♪

♪ Well, I'm gonna show you Prada... ♪

Oh. Hi.

Hey.

So how are you?

I'm good.

I'm good. Ah, just chilling, so...

- Cool. I'm glad to hear that.
- Yeah.

Um...

Well, I should probably go find Paxton.

- Yeah. It... It was nice to talk...
- Yeah.

...to you.

Hey, El. Sorry we're late.

Our Uber driver
was, like, very scared of driving.

- Have you talked to Ethan yet?
- Uh, no, I haven't seen him.

Oh. Then go out there and find him...

Hey. Glad y'all made it.

Mm-hmm. Yep, we are all here.

Hi, Ethan. What a fête.

I bought a bottle of vermouth.
Where should I put it?

Probably next to the rest of the alcohol
that's kind of in a pile behind you.

Cool.

You know what? I can take it there.

Yeah. Kinda wanna
take a lap anyways, you know?

Holla at my homies.
Maybe take a pee. Who knows?

Okay, you guys get it. See you in a bit.

- Yeah, you are.
- No, it's not, I swear.

♪ Don't hula hoop it... ♪

Man, this party is exactly what I needed.

Amen. Sherman Oaks for life!

Whoo! Let's go!
Yeah! Cricket's in town!

Yo, is my weed laced,
or is that Paxton Hall-Yoshida?

You back, dude?

It's freaking dope, man. You're a legend.

Yeah, it's me, man. I don't know
about that legend stuff though.

Oh, I do.

Let's freaking party, assholes! Yeah!

Yo.

What are you doing out here?
You think my party sucks?

No, not at all.
Just getting some fresh air.

All right.

Is it cool if I chill with you?

Okay.

So Eleanor is pretty cool, huh?

I guess.

♪ You're floating... ♪

Wanna make out?

♪ Floating, you're floating ♪

♪ You're floating... ♪

I don't know if we should.

♪ You're floating, floating ♪

♪ Floating... ♪

Well, A for effort.

Devi?

Oh. Hey, Eleanor,
we were actually just talking about you.

El, wait. I'm so sorry.
Just let me explain.

Explain what? The concept of betrayal?

I think Ethan likes me.

He's been sending me vibes all week.

And I tried to stay away from it
out of loyalty to you, but...

I think I like him too.

And I guess we couldn't fight it anymore,
so he kissed me.

- Cool story. He kissed me too.
- Eh?

Fifteen minutes ago, right by the fridge,
he also kissed me!

What? That asshole!

What kind of person leads on
two different people at the same party?

Never mind, I am hearing it.

What's going on? Are you guys fighting?

Am I misunderstanding you,
and you're about to sing a cappella?

Do not invoke my second favorite art form
in this charade.

We're obviously fighting.

I just caught Devi kissing Ethan.

What? But you were just kissing Ethan
by the fridge.

Eleanor, I'm so sorry. I only did it
because I thought there was a connection.

Oh, this sucks. We have never let a guy
come between us before.

And I get that it helps
that I'm not attracted to any guys,

but come on,

we can't let dumb Ethan
ruin your friendship.

Why doesn't everybody promise
to stay away from him?

And once again,
I do realize it's easiest for me.

I... I can do that. He's dead to me.

I've already forgotten
how good of a kisser he is.

Yeah, I guess I can avoid him too.

Great.

Besties before testes. Okay, hug it out.

All I'm saying is this is
our opportunity to get an elevator.

All right, Pati,
I brought all of your favorite supplies

so you don't have to keep climbing
up that wobbly ladder.

Devi, please spot me.

Okay. All right.
Engage your core, Pati.

Mami, no! Get off that ladder.

Oh my God, where is this joker?
It's been five days without stairs.

I'm not surprised he scammed us.
His whole family's a bunch of con artists.

I've called him repeatedly.
I've heard nothing.

There must be a... a police division
for negligent contractors, right?

I mean, th... there must be.

Auntie, I'm looking at his Instagram,
and it looks like he's at another job.

Ooh, I love that herringbone tiling
he's doing. I wonder what color that is.

How dare he leave us stairless

to go gallivanting
with another person's house?

Know what? I'm gonna call him,

and I'm gonna leave his voicemail
another piece of my mind.

- Here.
- Wha...?

Got the address.
He's at 4124 Arroyo Avenue in Calabasas.

What? How'd you figure that out?

All you have to do is just check his tags,
who tagged him,

then the geotags,
then cross-reference with Venmos...

- Have you guys never used a phone before?
- Gen Z is scary.

Morning, staff.
I'll try to make this brief.

First order of business.

I'd like to officially welcome back

Mr. Paxton Hall-Yoshida, who'll be joining
the Athletics Department.

'Sup?

And I'd like to also introduce
our new sub, Lindsay Thompson.

Yes, I actually just finished college.

And I'm excited to educate
some young minds.

That's cute. Bless your heart.

All right, and lastly,
the Cricket costume is still missing,

and we obviously cannot buy a new one.

I mean, look at this rat hole.

So any new tips would be appreciated.

Uh, I kind of overheard
some of my swimmers

saying that the cricket
might have been borrowed

for a non-school-related, uh, beer party,

and it might be under the bleachers
covered in p-puke.

Terrific.

Don, get me my rubber gloves.
We're headed to the bleachers.

All right, meeting adjourned.

Hey, I'm Lindsay.

So you used to go here?

Oh yeah. I just graduated.

Cool. It must be crazy coming back
to your high school as a teacher.

Mmm... Not really. It's basically the same.

Seriously?

I mean, you don't feel like
an old loser yet? No one's roasted you?

Uh, no. But I don't think anyone here
would roast me, so...

Give it time. You think you're
a respected role model one minute,

the next, some twerp tells you
you have weird thumbs,

and now you don't know how to hold chalk.

- That sucks.
- Yeah.

But yeah, once again,
I'm not really worried about that.

This is gonna sound braggy and weird,
but I kind of own the school a little bit.

Okay, well, good for you.

But if anything changes,
you know where to find me.

Thanks.

Devi had kept her promise
to Eleanor

and had successfully avoided Ethan
all week at school.

But like most hot guys,

Ethan was blissfully unaware
of the drama surrounding him,

and he had no idea he was being avoided.

Hey. It was, uh, pretty fun
hanging out at my party, huh?

Kind of.

Until I found out that you kissed
my best friend right before you kissed me.

Oh shit. You found out about that?

Listen, I... I didn't plan it.

But I saw you sitting outside,
and I was like,

"Damn, I kinda wanna kiss her right now."

So I did.

Damn, his logic is flawless.

You should come out
to the parking lot during lunch.

I'll be skating. I'll do a trick for you.

Okay.

It's because of Devi.

I'll just sit back here so that Devi
doesn't try to make conversation with me.

Babe, you know I don't care
if you talk to her, right?

This whole silent treatment thing
was your idea.

I know because it's just easier this way.

She just always complicates things.

If you say so, my high-strung king.

- I'll see you after class.
- Okay.

Well, that was a gut punch
if I ever felt one.

Someone's self-esteem

might need a little skater-boy pick-me-up
after that.

Oh yeah!

♪ Floating, you're floating ♪

♪ You're floating ♪

♪ You're, you're, you're floating ♪

♪ You're floating, floating ♪

Eleanor? What are you doing here?

Uh, nothing. I love alternative athletics.

Oh, cut the shit, El.

You're here to hang out with Ethan
after you promised me you wouldn't.

So? So are you, apparently.

Uh... Nuh-uh.
I'm out here tryin' to get sunshine

because my vitamin D levels
are friggin' low as hell.

Uh-huh, yeah,
the only D you're jonesing for is Ethan's.

Okay, fine. Let's just admit
that we both still like him.

- How are we gonna solve this?
- Simple. You give him to me.

I liked him first. I kissed him first,
and I just got dumped, so I need this.

Okay, what?

If anyone needs this, it's me.

You got dumped by a guy who loved you
so much that he proposed to you

after a meaningful relationship
and tons of amazing sex.

The person who took my virginity

ditched me for someone else
and won't even speak to me.

And frankly, these first few weeks
of my senior year

have been one real mother–

You kissed somebody already?

Well, well, well.

Hello, KTLA Live at 5.

We are submitting some hard hitting
footage for your Scambusters segment.

What is going on? What...
What are you doing here?

- Kamala, is he in focus?
- Yes.

And not in slow motion
like when we practiced.

Great. This man behind me has left

a multi-generational household of women
stairless for nearly a week.

Please, there's no reason
to send anything to Scambusters.

- Can... Can we just talk about this?
- Fine.

Camera's gonna be still rolling.

Uh, did you just think
you could take advantage of me

because I'm some lowly widow
who can't stand up for herself?

I didn't know you were a widow.

I assumed you were divorced
because of your...

personality.

That's very rude.

- I was planning on coming back next week.
- Ne... Next week?

We are three women
who are now sharing one bathroom.

Everything is clogged, Andres. Everything.

Listen, I'm not unprofessional, okay?

I just happen to be a little...

spiteful.

I guess I'm still a little mad
about what went down between our girls.

Margot is a sensitive kid,
and I'm raising her on my own.

You're raising her on your own?

My wife ran off in the middle of the night

to open an erotic toy store in Las Vegas
with her new boyfriend.

My story's a little different than yours.

Hey, I'm going to stop filming now.

I think it's starting to feel
a little invasive.

I'm sorry, uh, that
that happened to you, Andres,

and I am sorry about the way
Devi treated your daughter.

But I really do need those stairs.

Yeah. I promise I'll be there
first thing tomorrow.

- You can have him.
- What?

Ethan, he's yours.

I don't even really like him.

I think I just missed Trent
and wanted a distraction.

Aw. El, I'm so sorry.
Why don't you tell Trent how you feel?

I can't. You should have seen
the way he looked today

after he heard that I kissed Ethan.

I haven't seen him look that hurt
since he fell off the Hollywood sign.

I bet he misses you
just as much as you miss him.

I do think about him a lot,
especially at night.

Like, sometimes, I wonder if we're
both looking at the moon at the same time.

Anyway, uh, I'm sorry
things have been tough for you.

That stuff with Ben really sucks.

Yeah, it's not great.

You deserve to have some fun.

And I feel like Ethan knows
how to have some fun.

Like, sexually.
I don't think he's a hobby guy.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Are you sure you're really cool with it?
- You have my official blessing.

Thanks, El. You're a really good friend.
You know that?

Well, one day you can give me
one of your lovers, and we'll be even.

Mmm.

It's a deal.

All right.

How could she move on so fast?

Has she completely forgotten about me?

What about the time
we Lady and the Tramp'ed that Sour Straw?

Did that mean nothing to her?

Dude, I'm so sorry.

Looks like I'm not only a super senior,
but also a mega-cuck.

Hey, come on, man.

Look, you're not gonna feel
like this forever.

I promise you, bro.

All right, I'm gonna grab my bag.
I'll be right back.

Did you guys see that Paxton
was here for the weekend?

But it turns out he's actually working
at the school now.

It's, like...
It's, like, freaking pathetic.

Hey.

You good? I saw you got bonked by Shrimp.

Ah. Yeah, no,
it wasn't that big of a deal.

Kids said you flew through the air,
and they thought you were dead.

Is there a reason
why you're waiting by my car or...

Oh, yeah, I just, you know,
want to make sure you're okay.

And see if you...

...maybe wanted to hang out?

Okay.

Only if you don't kiss my friends though.

And girls who aren't my friends.

I would just prefer
being the only person you're kissing.

Okay, tough, but fair.

I don't know if you noticed,
I grew like a foot over the summer.

Yeah, dude, she noticed.

And I guess girls are into me now,
or whatever,

so... I got a little greedy.

But I like you.

I like you too.

So yeah, I can chill out
on all the kissing stuff.

Except for...

...you.