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1 [♪]

Respiration,

pulse rate, heartbeat...

all excellent.

Gentlemen...

you have just qualified

to participate as guinea pigs

in an experimental program.

Congratulations.

Guinea pig? What kind of guinea pig, sir?

Oh, you'll see.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

I, um...

I must inform Commander Kiski,

the director of the new program, that you're ready to begin.

Now? Now, major.

But a-all the guys just went to lunch, sir.

And until I return, I suggest that

you both exercise vigorously.

Commander Kiski likes his guinea pigs to be warmed up.

Boy, for a few knee bends, we have to miss lunch.

I hope this Kiski isn't

some kind of an exercise fanatic.

Well. I wouldn't worry about it.

We're in pretty good shape.

Think we can breeze through anything this guy throws at us,

unless he's Attila the Hun. Huh? [BOTH LAUGH]

[LAUGHS]

Oh, what are you doing here, huh?

Oh, master, do you not remember?

You and Major Healey promised to

take me out to dinner tonight.

Oh, no. I forgot about that.

And dancing. Ohh!

[CLAPS]

Do you like my dress?

Yeah, it's pretty, but...

But, but, but. Yeah, yeah, it's great.

Jeannie, will you get out of here? We gotta work out.

What is "work out"?

Well, it's a lot of running and jumping,

bending and stretching.

But if you do all that,

will you not be too tired to take me dancing tonight?

No, no. Listen, we could chop rocks all day

and still be in good shape to take you out.

Now go on. Go on home, please.

You are sure you will not be too tired?

Absolutely. Please, will you?

Very well then. Until tonight.

Yeah, sure. Tonight.

Okay.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Oh. Yes, sir. Hello.

Uh, this is the director of

your new physical-conditioning program. [CHUCKLES]

Commander Frances N. Kiski.

Major Nelson, Major Healey.

How do you do, sir? How are you, sir?

Attention!

[♪]

Marshmallows.

It's Attila the Hun.

[♪]

[♪]

Major...

are you in good condition?

Yes, sir. Wrong!

And you.

Wall-to-wall flab.

What do you say to 50 quick pushups?

Or are you afraid you might hurt yourself?

If you are...

just speak right up.

Oh-ho-ho...

Too easy, huh? All right.

We'll try something else.

Now, watch. Watch my hand.

Watch.

[GRUNTS, YELLS]

See what I mean?

See what I did?

Well... you saw it.

You're dead.

I just killed you, and you didn't defend yourselves.

Well, we're at attention, sir.

[MOCKINGLY] "At attention, sir."

Oh, really? Hm.

See what I mean, Dr. Bellows?

Proved my point.

These men are survival-soft.

Their animal instinct...

of kill or be killed...

has been ruined...

by their easy living.

Hm.

We've received the finest astronaut training, sir.

I think that, uh...

Kindergarten junk!

That's right.

I...

I am gonna teach you how to survive.

Punishment training.

Pain! Pain!

Pain, going past suffering...

into the valley of agony.

That's right.

Now, what do you say

to a quick 10-mile run?

And after that, you'll come back here,

and we'll have three hours

of special exercises.

A... A 10-mile run and three hours, sir?

That's right, major.

That's right.

And tomorrow... [LAUGHS]

We'll start the hard stuff.

Okay?

Right face!

Double-quick... march!

Move it, move it, move it!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Move it, move it, move it, move it!

Move it, move it, move it!

He's trying to kill us. Yeah.

Healey!

Yeah?

Oh, okay. Time.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[GROANS]

He's trying to kill us.

Kill us? See it in his eyes.

He was testing us. Trying to kill us.

But he couldn't break us down.

We won, don't you see? Yeah.

Oh, that's good.

Ten minutes ago, I thought I died.

Let's get out of here.

Where are you going?

[GASPS] Who said school was out?

Oh, well, sir, you said...

You said we could leave after three hours of exercise.

I lied! I tell that to all my boys

to keep them on their tippy-tippy-toes.

You're not through yet.

Here. Try these on.

[SIGHS]

I think there's a mistake.

Somebody, uh, put lead in the pockets.

[LAUGHS] It's a mistake.

There's lead in the pockets.

No, major.

It's not lead.

It's sand.

A hundred and fifty pounds of sand

sewn into the lining of each jacket.

Oh, you look marvelous.

What do we do with these sand dunes

now that we got 'em on?

What do you think you do with 150 pounds of sand on your back?

Run. Uphill.

Now, move! Move, move!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Move it, move it, move it!

Let's go! Let's move it!

Oh, master.

[GIGGLES] And Major Healey.

I almost thought you had forgotten our date tonight.

You are very late.

You promised. I know.

Jeannie, I'd love to take you for, uh, d-dancing, but...

Oh, thank you! No.

[GROANS]

What...? What happened?

You may not believe this, Roger,

but I think we're going dancing.

Yes. Come along. Let's go.

Oh, wait. Oh, oh-oh...

Come on. [LAUGHS]

Whoa, no.

[♪]

Oh, this is such fun.

Are you enjoying yourself, Major Healey?

Major Healey? Are you enjoying yourself?

Yes, I'm enjoying myself. Oh.

Well, I-if you are too tired, we can go home.

No, I'm not too tired. I-I w... I don't want to go home.

[GIGGLES]

Master?

Master, wake up.

Oh. He's asleep.

Master, wake up. Wake up.

Master. [GIGGLES]

Peekaboo.

Wake up.

Thank you, Armand.

I think you'll like this place, commander.

The, uh, music's a bit on the loud side,

but the food is superb. Hm.

Good. After breaking down the men,

I always have a good appetite.

Wake up. Wake up. [GROANS]

[♪]

Look who's here.

He's dancing.

That's incredible.

It's fabulous, doc.

You know, I've had to hold up my training program,

because I couldn't get men

strong enough to get the full treatment.

But with Nelson and Healey,

starting tomorrow, I'll be able to give them the works.

The works?

Everything.

My secret plan.

Oh, master, you should have told me

that Commander Kiski made you work out so hard.

Ahh! Mm.

I would not have allowed you to go dancing. [GROANS]

The dancing was the easy part.

I slept through most of that.

Do you suppose it's possible to sprain skin?

Ohh!

Oh.

Well, let's hobble along

with another day of fun and games

with Killer Kiski.

Oh, but he will hurt you again.

Ah, no, no. He won't be so rough on us today.

No, these physical fitness guys

all work the same way.

They murder you the first day,

then they ease off.

Yeah.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Ah, Jeannie. Ah. Ah.

Hello? Major Nelson here.

Oh.

Yes, Commander Kiski.

Yes, sir.

Ye... All right. All right.

Well, what's wrong?

We're to report to Staging Area F,

pick up our winter field uniforms.

Area F in our winter uniforms? Are you kidding?

It's 100 degrees there.

Hundred and one. Kiski checked.

Master, please let me help you.

No, I'll... I'll take care of it.

It's my responsibility. Tsk.

Yeah, It's not like in school,

where your mother writes you an excuse.

Roge, giddyap.

An excuse from mother?

Mm.

I don't care what Nelson says.

He and Healey can't drink the water.

Now you tell those two softies to get over here on the double.

And make sure they zipper up their overcoats.

I'm through being a nice guy.

Hello.

What did...? How did you get in here?

Oh, I brought you a note from Major Nelson's mother.

A-and one from Major Healey's too.

You'll have to excuse them from any more, uh, exercises.

Notes from their mothers?

What are you,

some sort of weird cocktail waitress?

Oh. Please read the notes.

Oh. I get it.

You're either a girlfriend of Nelson or Healey's,

and you're trying to come over here and help them get out of

some of those hard, nasty jobs.

Oh, believe me, I'm not doing that.

Mm, yeah. I know.

It's women like you that love to smother guys.

Protect 'em, keep 'em soft.

Oh, I just want to see...

I've seen dames like you.

You ruin 'em with your cuddling.

I know.

My Aunt Effie tried to do it to me. Hm.

Every day, I remember,

"Eat your cottage cheese, Francis."

"Drink your milkie, Francis."

"Don't forget to wear your rubber hat, Francis."

Egh-yuck.

Your Aunt Effie sounds very sweet.

Sweet?!

If I didn't get away from her,

she would have made a sissy out of me.

But I'm not gonna let your pals get away.

Not till I make 'em as hard as steel.

I do not think your Aunt Effie

would like the way you treat them.

Her? She'd have them sitting under a tree

eating blueberry pie.

Oh, that is nice.

Oh, yeah? Well, you get...!

[GIGGLES]

Your Aunt Effie is a much nicer person.

Out of here, because I don't really care.

Major Healey and Major Nelson, sir.

Major Healey and Major Nelson?

I told you not to ask for water. He'll kill us.

Attention!

Okay, you guys. Now, I'm...

Oh, I'm... I'm awfully sorry, boys.

Forgive me. Oh, my goodness. I'll have mercy on you.

You shouldn't be dressed in these hot outfits

on a day like this.

It's ridiculous.

Take off those clothes. Really, boys.

I don't want to see you suffer.

You should be able to relax and enjoy,

and be nice and cool.

That's no way to dress in hot weather.

Here. Have a drink of water there.

Don't drink it. It's a trick.

Hey, listen, fellas. I have an idea.

You ought to get into some shorts

and sit under a nice cool tree.

[LAUGHS]

I'll get you some pie. Do you like blueberry pie?

It's delicious with cold milk.

You go ahead and rest here,

and I'll go see about the pie, okay, fellas?

Ah.

Drink, enjoy.

You're marvelous. Wonderful boys.

It's so drab in here.

You ought to have chintz to brighten it up a little bit.

Jeez, it would make it so beautiful.

Chintz? In a tent?

Chintz?

It's a plot.

He's going to poison the pie.

It's a trick.

Why would he wanna poison the pie?

If it's not a trick,

we're in the hands of a raving maniac.

Boys. Boys?

Boys? Boys.

Oh. There you are.

There you are.

Hurry up, boys. It's naughty to be a slowpoke.

What am I saying?

Don't go with him. He's trying to get us lost.

Just like Hansel and Gretel.

I know he's acting kind of peculiar,

but that pie was delicious.

[LAUGHS] Oh.

My, the air out here is wonderful.

Yeah.

Are you comfortable, master?

Yeah. Uh, listen, uh, get out of here.

Kiski's gonna be back any minute.

Yeah, with more pie.

I couldn't eat another bite.

Oh, I'm glad you two are getting along so well with him.

Well, he's not such a bad guy once you know him.

KISKI: Major!

Oh, come on, Jeannie. Out, out.

Oh. Yes, master.

Have a nice day.

Yeah... Really, now...

Now... Oh.

Come on. Major!

[MUMBLES]

Hey! There you are. Yeah.

Your easels are all set up.

Our easels? Our easels?

Certainly. On a glorious day like today,

there's nothing like a good paint.

Good paint?

Well, you go right ahead. We... We'll be there.

Well, uh, ahem,

you set up the easels.

Oh, easels. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I had a counselor like that when I was a kid in summer camp.

Eh... What happened?

The camp nurse sent him home early.

KISKI: Boys, painting time!

Easy. Take it easy.

Where's Commander Kiski?

Uh, he's on a, uh...

nature hike, sir.

I'll call him for you.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

GENERAL: Kiski?

This is General Powlett.

Oh, hello, General Powlett. How are you, sir?

Lovely day, isn't it?

Uh...

Excuse me a moment, general.

Uh, Tony... Yeah?

Yours is very good...

but your bunny's all wrong.

Your bunny should have

big, floppy ears and a tiny, fluffy tail.

It's an elm tree. Oh, yeah.

Heh. And a lovely tree it is.

Uh, Roger, yours is very good too.

I love yours. I love your purple and yellow sky.

[LAUGHS]

Very excellent.

Heh.

Are you out of your mind?

Floppy ears and fluffy tail?

What did you do to Kiski?

Well, all I did was take him notes from your mothers

to excuse you from the exercises...

I... I don't want to hear anymore.

Well, he did not even read the notes.

All he did was talk about his sweet, little old Aunt Effie

who used to make him drink milk and...

And baked him blueberry pies. And...

And you turned him into his Aunt Effie?

Well, I only wanted to...

Yeah... Jeannie, you shouldn't have interfered.

You can't...

I will not let him work you so hard.

But you can't... Right back to...

Hey, I didn't know that Kiski had an Aunt Effie.

I thought his only relative

was the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Oh, funny. That's funny.

Well, how about the monster that stepped on Cincinnati?

[CHUCKLES] Roger.

All right, men, we're nearing the drop zone.

This will be a survival exercise

under conditions of maximum hazard.

Commander Kiski, would you like to brief your men?

Please...

be careful.

For this exercise,

we have simulated a drop into enemy territory.

The enemy has already spotted this aircraft,

and from the moment you land, they will be in pursuit.

Ohh! That's exciting.

Under no circumstances

will you permit yourselves to be captured.

Is that clear? Yes, sir.

Good luck, gentlemen.

Ready, sir.

All right. Stand up. Hook up.

Ah.

KISKI: Roger.

Button up your collar.

It's drafty outside.

Tony, are your chute straps tight?

And for goodness' sake, please, stand up straight.

[SENSOR BUZZES] Go!

Well, come on, Aunt Effie.

Here we go. Jump.

[YELLS]

Aunt Effie?

He called him Aunt Effie.

Oh. Yes, sir.

It's a term we use when we jump out of a plane.

Uh, like "Geronimo."

Aunt Effie!

Aunt Effie?

Any sign of Kiski?

Yes.

He parachuted right in the middle of the enemy camp.

You're kidding. Yeah.

And we're on the wrong side of the river.

You mean we're in enemy territory?

Yeah!

Jeannie! Jeannie!

Hey.

[LAUGHS] Did someone call?

Oh. Jeannie.

Here. There's...

Jeannie, we are in enemy territory.

They've got Kiski.

Do you have any idea what

they're gonna do to him at... At headquarters

if he arrives in his condition, huh?

Anyway, this whole area's surrounded by enemy patrols.

Get us out of here, quick. Yeah.

Well, I thought you'd never ask.

They're gone.

Well, I had them spotted for a moment, sir,

but they seem to have disappeared.

Well I don't know, sir.

They were there just a moment ago but, well, they're gone.

- Don't, sir. - I...

TONY: We're back on the plane.

Yes. Now you can jump on the right side of the river.

No. Jeannie, don't you understand?

We've got to rescue Kiski.

We've got to get to the other side of the...

Ahh!

Come on, Major Healey.

Hey, wait a minute.

You haven't got a parachute.

Yeah. Yes. Isn't that exciting?

Aunt Effie!

[MOUTHS] Aunt Effie.

You sure?

Okay.

All right.

Sentry's spotted two more parachutes

on this side of the river.

Uh, I'll cover this sector.

You blindfold the prisoner. Take him to headquarters.

Untie me. I'll scratch your eyes out!

Move.

The prisoner got away, sir.

Hop in. We'll catch him.

They've been reported where, general?

Right there.

But that's 30 miles from the drop area.

It isn't possible.

Don't ask me to explain it, doctor,

but I know that they helped Kiski escape,

and somehow commandeered an enemy vehicle.

Blue Squadron has got 'em trapped in Box Canyon.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

General Powlett.

What?

Well, they've got to be there.

Are you sure?

They got out.

Now, how did Kiski do that?

But you said there was no way out, sir.

There was one way. Straight up.

Thanks for the ride, Jeannie.

Oh, You are very welcome, master.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What are we gonna do with our fearless leader?

Untie me, you rotten boys. Untie me.

Blink him back to normal.

Oh, but master, he is so mean.

Yeah. Well, I know that,

but I-it's his career, Jeannie.

Go on. And you blink out of here too.

Oh, no, master. Go on.

I'm not kidding.

You never let me have any fun.

Jeannie? [SCREAMS]

Ah! [SCREAMS]

Hold on. You untie him.

Take off his blindfold, and I'll take this off.

[SCREAMS]

Whoa, maybe we better just

take off the blindfold.

Wait a minute.

You meatheaded, goldbricking, jet jockeys!

I'm gonna break you...

Gee, sir. Uh, sir. Can you walk?

Sure, I can walk! What are you?

You got us through that survival mission without a scratch.

Help him, Roger. He's weak.

Who's weak? I'll... The survival mission?

Yeah, you were an inspiration to both of us.

Don't you remember, sir?

Well, of course he doesn't remember.

He struck his head on that rock, trying to save your life.

I did? On the survival course?

Steady. Whoa. Take it easy.

I'm perfectly all right. I'm perfectly all right.

All right. Just leave me alone.

Whoa. Le... Let me down.

You and Healey? On the survival course?

I did?

We'll tell you all about it

before General Powlett gets here.

Okay. Okay. But just... Just help me.

I... I don't feel too good.

I don't know how you did it.

Your act is gonna go down in history

as one of the most heroic acts ever.

And so, gentlemen, because of your miraculous,

and in my view, highly suspicious success,

headquarters has decided to

abandon Commander Kiski's program.

Abandon it, sir?

Well, if it were such a success,

why... Why do they want to abandon it?

Because we feel that you had already been

superbly conditioned as astronauts.

Ah. N-no more punishment.

Uh, from now on, it's, uh, easy living, huh?

However, headquarters feels that it's vital

to maintain your fine conditioning.

And to that end,

they have assigned a permanent physical instructor.

You soft-bellied lounge lizards.

This is where I remove the fat from your frame.

Right. Put that down!

Now get moving.

What are you standing here for?

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Hut two, hut two, hut two.

Marshmallows. Ho-ho.

You guys, move it!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[♪]